What To Do When Your Mind Won't Quit | Bart van Melik

0:04Bart van Melik:This is the 10 % Happier Podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

0:18Bart van Melik:Hello, my fellow suffering beings. How are we doing today? If, like me, you've got a mind that likes to marinate in what-if loops, what if I panic, what if I always feel this way, what if I'm going to be a little bit more. if I can't handle this. If you're prone to that kind of thinking, this episode is for you. You're about to hear a master meditation teacher, Bart Van Melleck, hold forth on how to handle these doom loops and much more. Bart also talks about forgiveness and what it actually means not to force forgiveness, how to work with boredom in meditation instead of running from it, how to get out of your head and into your body when you feel disconnected.

0:54Bart van Melik:And he talks about a breathing technique that he uses in lots of stressful situations, including when he's in the dentist's chair. So there's a lot here. Just a little bit about Bart before we dive in here. Bart is a guiding teacher at the Community Meditation Center in New York City. He also occasionally serves as Teacher of the Month over on my new-ish meditation app, 10 % with Dan Harris. Like all of our Teachers of the Month, Bart will occasionally do a live session where he takes questions from subscribers. And today we're going to play you one such session. Before we begin, a heads up that I've got two live in-person events coming up on May 17th.

1:32Bart van Melik:I'll be at the 92nd Street Y in New York City. I'll guide a meditation, take your questions. Specifically, I'll focus on how meditation can be truly helpful and not self-indulgent in these fraught times. And then coming up on October 16th through 18th, I'll be doing a weekend event at the Omega Institute in upstate New York. It's our annual meditation party. I do it with Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren. It's a full weekend where we teach a variety of meditation techniques. We take your questions. We even throw a dance party. It's a great way to deepen your practice and to get to know other people who also meditate.

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5:22Thank you for practicing together a radical act of kindness. So I just want to offer some responses, not so much answers, but responses to your questions. And the first one is from Michelle. So I'll just read her question to you. It's about forgiveness. The times that I find my mind uselessly running those old tapes is usually about an interaction with someone that caused me to know that I cannot work things out with them. And I want to forgive them and myself so I can move on already. But I'm not sorry for the words I spoke and I don't believe I will ever be. Selfishly, forgiveness is what I need for my own peace.

6:14And my course of action has been metta, which is kindness in the Buddhist language. My course of action has been kindness to them and myself. And the question is, can you speak to this? And if there's something more or different I can be doing, I'm ready for new challenges, not the same old boring ones. Thanks, Michelle. I like that last piece, the not same old boring ones. I think it's really important to be creative in your meditation practice. And ultimately, the question to what practice is the best is about what works for you in that moment. There's not one way to always address experiences because they're always changing.

7:02And so when it comes to forgiveness, in my particular experience, I've noticed that it's a process. And sometimes I try to use it as a way to get over things. Just like mindfulness. Sometimes in my practice, I have this hidden agenda like, if only I'm mindful of it, then it should go away. If only I really forgive this, I should feel better. And so I would really kind of be careful if there's that sense of bypassing happening with this really heartfelt wish to forgive. And maybe also to keep listening to these old tapes of regret. I think what this practice allows us to do is also to change our attitude to them.

7:56So if you go through meditation practices and it feels like you're reliving the same thing over and over again, if you can do that, it's actually really powerful because it empowers you to keep being with it. and over time this bearing witness will move us towards a different attitude to it. And so with forgiveness I would definitely not force it. But maybe sometimes when you see the old tape again, Michelle, and this is for all of us, notice how am I holding it. And maybe something has shifted. Maybe then see if that might feel like a sense of forgiveness. ultimately forgiveness is about giving up all hope for a better past.

8:50And it's a brave thing to do. But really give yourself time and creativity in this. I think that's really helpful. And knowing you do not need to hold this alone. So really appreciating you sharing this question, Michelle. Thank you. The next question is coming from Varsi. Varsi is asking, How best should I deal with inattention and boredom while meditating? I've been meditating consistently since the pandemic, but sometimes I don't feel as motivated to practice as I did in those early days when everything was new to me. I think we can all relate, Varsi, that the honeymoon phase of meditation practice will only last for a while because, as the Buddha said, all things are impermanent, even our initial hallelujah phase of meditation.

9:49I think boredom is actually really worthwhile looking into. I used to teach a lot of young people meditation, and I remember in the middle school, our topic was boredom. And I remember one kid saying, I like boredom. And everybody else in the group was like, why? And he said, boredom is not that bad. It's not that stressful. I don't mind it. And I think that could be a great attitude, actually, to recognize when it's here and then just see, what's boredom like? And in meditation, there's two really important questions. The first one is, what is this? And so you might go, huh, boredom? And then the second one is, how does it feel?

10:43How does boredom behave? How does it manifest in my body? Those are the most important questions in practice, not so much why am I bored, that can easily trigger us into a lot of more thinking. Now, what I found really helpful is to see that boredom is like a wave. It comes and it goes again. And the more you see it in your practice, the more helpful it also is in daily life. because why do you pick up your phone or device often? Probably because there's some element of boredom of not really knowing what to do and then just start looking for something. And so in practice, you can actually see that your mind might start looking for things.

11:38So become curious the next time when you recognize boredom and then just go, what is this? How does it feel? And notice that it's impermanent and actually not that stressful. Yeah. Thanks for that question. Oh man, I want to already acknowledge that I can go through all of them, but I really appreciate sharing them and they're really helpful to read as well. The next one is from Heidi. Heidi writes, Please, can you help me understand better how to get out of my head and into my body? I am feeling so detached and disconnected from my life and the people in it, which is a lonely place to be. Everything I'm learning through meditation is about connecting with the body, but I'm still struggling to understand what that means and how it helps.

12:38And being part of a community like this is a really big help in not feeling alone. So thank you. I just want to start with that last piece, Heidi. And honestly share with you that without community, I would have stopped meditating 25 years ago. And I really love the Buddhist teachings. some kind of a geek in that way. And there's one passage where the Buddha is sitting next to his cousin. And his cousin, Ananda, as his name, was also his attendant. And he's telling the Buddha, he says, look at that huge group of disciples that are all doing their thing. Isn't this practice half of, you know, this life that we're leading?

13:33And the Buddha goes, Ananda, no, don't say that! It's the whole of this practice. Friendship and community is the whole of this practice. So Heidi, you're really pointing at something really important. Being part of community is a really big help in not feeling so alone. What I've learned in community is also to listen to all the different voices. and everyone is in a different social location, yet very often there is a sense of a connection somewhere. And so your question is a great act of generosity about struggling what it's like to really be mindful of the body. And I think what could be really helpful is again to be creative.

14:29In what kind of activity is it easy for me to feel the body? And I remember I was teaching in a VA hospital in the Bronx here in New York City. And one man said the same thing. He said, when I'm sitting, I don't really feel my body that well. Can I do something else when you all do sitting meditation? Or do mindful chair yoga meditation? And I said, what would you like to do? And he said, can I do mindful salsa dancing? and then pretend as if I'm dancing with my wife? And I asked the rest and everyone was like, fine, go for it. So this man is kind of doing these movements and all this stuff. But these movements, he says, really make me feel a sense of connection to my body.

15:19And so Heidi, and for everyone really, I would highly suggest finding ways to feel that sense of connection with your body. And for me personally, it's swimming. And I'm maybe a strange person for many of you, but I swim year-round outside in Coney Island in New York City. It's really cold. But when I feel coldness, it's easy for me to feel the body. And it's really important to do so because in all the meditation instructions the Buddha gave, he so often started with the body. and so Heidi I would highly suggest what kind of activities do you do that you can easily feel that you are embodied another one I do it's maybe strange but I love mindful vacuuming and I'm really in my body I did it before this session because then the session goes better when I'm in a clean bedroom and so be creative when it comes to that finding ways that you can connect with your body.

16:30And also you said that you feel sometimes disconnected. Maybe that's also the system saying like, I'm overwhelmed. I'm not available right now. Maybe sometimes what kindness would do is to realize I feel disconnected even from the people close to me because I might need some time to come home to more internal awareness. I think that's a really important intuitive listening that the practice can give us too. The next one is from Anne. Hi, tips for speaking back to negative what-ifs and speaking back to obsessive body scanning outside of seated meditation fueled by anxiety. What if I panic? What if I always feel this way?

17:26What if? How can I take my meditation into this part of my life? What Buddhist wisdom can I apply? Thank you, Anne. I think that worry is such an important mind state to recognize. And in the Buddhist teachings, it was called an obstacle to seeing clearly. Now what the Buddha said about worry and restlessness and also anger is that when we feel that in that moment, it's hard for us to see the good in ourselves, the good in others, and the good in both when we're not mindful. So it's a powerful mind state, universal but powerful. And I like that you, in your question, Anne, said what if. So if you catch yourself thinking what if, most likely what's going on is worry.

18:26And I think when you have a sense of energy, kindness, curiosity with you, my suggestion would be to see if you can go again, oh, worry is here. Worry is being known. how does the worry feel in the body?

18:52So you're already in that way, shifting a little bit from the narrative. For me, for example, when there's worry, I feel a lot of tension around the temples, often the jaws clenched, and I feel a tightness a little right here in the chest area. so if you have the energy and curiosity and kindness for it explore it just like boredom just like any other state

19:26the reason why this particular bearing witness to it with kindness is so powerful because it will empower you when it comes back again that you know oh I've said this through it's still not something I really like it feels like praying for stuff I don't want maybe I can be with it that's the empowering part of practicing awareness of mindfulness but I think sometimes also when you say what if I panic and it becomes too much then what would kindness do is perhaps and this is also from the Buddhist teachings redirect your attention somewhere else. And not like in a way that you feel like, oh, I should be with the worry.

20:20No, way more coming from a place of, I'm too tired maybe for this. I can't hold this. Where else can I turn my attention? And the Buddha gave one specific suggestion, and that is to become mindful of your body breathing when there's worry or restlessness. Here too, see if you can be creative. Maybe what kind of breathing has become helpful for you. And my go-to is a technique I've learned from a Tibetan Buddhist monk who's from Nepal and his name is Yonghe Minyor Rinpoche and once he came to visit a class I was teaching of mindfulness meditation in a juvenile detention center and you know we first did the program and then the kids asked him so can you also teach us a meditation and he said sure I'll teach you a meditation that I use when I'm afraid and I remember in that particular place even the guards were like, let's try this we want to learn about an easy meditation that I can do when I'm afraid and so he had us all lie down and then he said, see if you can feel your body breathing but he did something special you could do it right now See if you can pay extra attention to the out-breath.

22:06Feeling your body breathing out, very specifically. And then he said, every time you exhale, make your body a little more heavy. He kept repeating, exhale, heavy.

22:27Exhale, heavy.

22:33And I could already feel that the environment of the whole space with the intercom going on, you heard keys in the juvenile detention center, was changing. Exhale, heavy. And then he added only one more thing. he said, now with every exhale, say the word calm, as if you're talking to a young child.

23:04Exhale heavy, exhale calm.

23:14Or any other word that has a soothing impact on you. Because the exhale in and of itself is already a relaxation.

23:36And you could say that a simple practice like that is again a radical act of kindness. especially when you're holding that in the midst of feeling worry, feeling powerless about the news. And so sometimes mindfulness of what's really there might not be the kindest thing to do. Also, someone shared in the questions, feeling way more sensitive because of mindfulness practice and that at night maybe so activated that it's hard to fall asleep, maybe in that moment, mindfulness practice is not the kindest thing, but more like just restorative relaxation practices.

24:30And so now that every time I go to the dentist, I go exhale heavy, exhale calm. Even when I had a serious operation, that was my go-to in the midst of all the what-if thoughts. And so I really appreciate you bringing that in.

24:57Because meditation is not about getting rid of any of all these states.

25:05it's about gently empowering us to bear witness to them to be with them and to hold them with as much kindness and compassion as possible and so every time you feel like your meditation doesn't feel good or you wonder why did I do this, all very normal but it's really helpful. So as a teacher, I always tell people and even myself sometimes, the most difficult meditations are perhaps the ones that we learn the most from. Because if your meditation was always blissful, how are you going to apply this in your life?

25:58I'm aware of the time and I want to acknowledge also other time commitments that you have and so I want to thank you for your presence and all the questions if you want to stay connected with me you're most welcome to join a global and local community called Community Meditation Center and of that particular community, I am the guiding teacher. And we meet every Sunday from 10.30 to noon Eastern. And it's all based on donation. You can just join through Zoom just like this. And every month we have a theme. And we're going to explore actually befriending difficulty like worry, like you shared with us, Anne.

26:47So you're most welcome to join. And just lastly, I want to share the merit with you all of our time together. This radical act of peace revolution, of coming together in community. I just first want to invite you again to drop the question and see what arises. What would kindness do right now? What would it do for the body?

27:24How would kindness hold your mind state?

27:39Kindness is the greatest protection in the entire world.