Your Negative, Ruminating Mind: Here's Your Way Out | Sister Dang Nghiem

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32:23You articulate the stakes very well. So let's go through, again, in more detail, the beginning of new practice. Let's go through one step at a time so that I can ask you annoying questions to make sure I understand fully. Before we get into the step, let me ask, should we do this in meditation? Can we do it just walking around, you know, thinking? What's the best setting for enacting this? Oh, wonderful. We can do this in any setting. I usually do this in meditation, in sitting meditation. but throughout the day, even when I'm sitting in a toilet stall, I can give thanks to myself, watering my flowers.

33:05I don't have to do all four steps at once, you see? So for example, I have pain from Lyme disease. So there are times when I'm sitting in public or private, I'm lying in bed and there's pain, then I scan through my body and I give thanks to my body for carrying that burden of pain for me. And I also express my regrets to my body that in the past through my unskillful thoughts of self-harm, unskillful speech of putting myself down, self-sabotaging, et cetera, that I have also contributed to the weakness of my body so that, you know, now it can bring about certain illness in myself, you see? So beginning anew can be anytime and anywhere while you're driving a car, something comes up, you can say, I'm sorry that happened.

34:01I'm sorry that I thought so negatively about myself. I don't mean that. So this is key. You can do it anytime, anywhere and in any proportion. In other words, you can pick one step and do it in the bathroom or driving. It's really, you know, dealer's choice. Exactly. And the foundation of the practice is that we use loving speech and deep listening. Loving speech is a kind of speech that inspires understanding, confidence. A speech that uplifts. Even if we express pain, we still need to use loving speech in the way that your actions make me feel like this, you know, or this is how I feel versus you are like this, you're bad, you're horrible, you know, that's not loving speech.

34:59So we learn to use that loving speech towards ourselves to say, I'm sorry, I didn't know, or I could have done better, but I'm very sorry, I hurt myself. That's loving speech. And then deep listening means that when we listen, so in sitting meditation, I would follow my breath, I would stay anchored in my body, and thoughts would arise in my mind. You see? And I would listen without judgment, without trying to fear it a certain way. I just stay anchored in my breath and my body. And I listen. That's deep listening. Without trying to influence yourself or the other person, without imposing certain judgment or reasons, just listen to hear what is said and what is not said, verbally, non-verbally.

35:59Listen with a very spacious and quiet mind, and it helps if you follow your breath. and relax your body. And you can say, come back, come back. So practicing deep listening and loving speech, that's what we do in sitting meditation. Day in, day out, we listen to ourselves and we speak lovingly to ourselves. Loving, it doesn't mean you are not honest. You're very frank, honest, open with yourself. But with compassion, with kindness, you do that. And then we will be able to practice that with others. I will have done a little bit of this in the intro, but I want to say it again. To my fellow skeptics, especially dudes who might be hearing this thing about speaking lovingly to yourself, but this is not just men who might have this reaction, it's all good.

36:59I hear you. I sympathize with you. I'm speaking lovingly to you right now. I get it. This sounds cheesy. It sounds embarrassing. I don't want anybody to know I'm doing this shit. Nobody has to know you're doing it. But you should know that there's a ton of science to show that if you can counter program against your inner critic, if you can rewire your inner dialogue and thereby improve your inner weather, it will have all sorts of positive psychological and physiological effects. So Sister D is not just making this up. It's been around for a millennia, and there's modern science to show that it's really, really good for you.

37:38I feel the necessity to say that to the skeptics in the audience. How does that go down with you, Sister D? Well, you know, in neuroscience, we know that there's the default mode network known as DMN. in our brain. When we're not doing anything, you know, we're not busy or even when we're busy, this default mode network is on and it's chewing. It's like, you know, a cow that regurgitates and then we'll chew again. Whatever that happened, we have this ingrained in our mind, rehearsing, going over again. Unfortunately, going over and over again, the negative things about ourselves and others. And it's very detrimental when it's done automatically and unconsciously, unknown to us.

38:31And so you think of this very mainly in the sense that, you know, visually, you got two boxers. One boxer keeps hitting the other boxer and the other one, he'll get up, he'll try to get up, he'll try to get up again. But after a while, if one just keeps punching, the other will not be able to get up anymore. Well, that's what we do with the inner critic. We let this DMN, default mode network on all the time when we're awake and when we're sleeping. Eventually, we lose all the faith and hope for ourselves. And of course, then we would lose all the faith and hope for humanity. You see? So mindfulness, self-awareness helps us to be aware of this and to counterbalance it by bringing in that loving speech and deep listening.

39:29Breathing in, I'm aware that I'm thinking very negative about myself. What I did yesterday, I think it was stupid. It was dumb. What I said, what I did. Then you say, I'm sorry. Yes, maybe I could have prepared myself better. Or you can say, I did my best. I can learn from it and I can move on from it. I'm sorry. I put myself in that situation too, and it feels bad. You see what I mean? You still acknowledge the situation, but you don't have to keep like punching yourself, getting yourself down on your knees. And then you cannot even get up to do better for your own sake and for the sake of your family and society.

40:14Many people in high position, They can be very aggressive, can be very violent. But deep inside is a wounded child. All the insecurity they experience because they were harmed, they were hurt, they were bullied. And now they become big bullies. That is when we don't take care of ourselves, then we will hurt others. Another concrete example, I met this woman and she said to me, Sister D, the first time that I met the man who became my husband, he felt so familiar to me. And that's why she was attracted to him. And she said, but I didn't know why. Not only after I got married to him, then I realized that he's just as emotionally absent as my parents.

41:15That's what she was attracted to, his emotional absence. So when we are not aware of ourselves, of what we carry deep within, we will perpetuate it in our life and in the lives of others. You see, so being a soulmate to oneself, again, to remember, to take care of, to know oneself, to take care of and to master ourselves is to help our family and society. yeah i sometimes look out at the world is like all of these untrained minds all of these people who haven't had the benefit of learning about the various modalities for training your mind including meditation and the dharma and they're kicking their own ass walking around with untreated trauma from their parents in the world the larger culture yes and then taking it out on other people passing along their pathology willy nilly.

42:17And so then we get this rolling shit show of history. But the good news is that it is possible to end the cycle right here in your own mind. You can stop adding to the garbage and instead add light. Exactly. So not thinking of yourself is being incredibly selfish. selfish. Yes. Yes. Not thinking of yourself, not taking care of yourself is incredibly selfish. Yes. I'm writing that down. Okay. As I write that down, let's just go back to step number one, which you call watering the flowers or expressing gratitude toward yourself. Can you just walk us through how one would do that very practically?

43:01Okay. Like in society, we say thank you all the time, right? For small things. But how often do we thank ourselves? So the first step of watering flowers simply is to thank yourself. Thank your body, whatever that you can come up with. Like a teen who in Asia would say, I'm grateful for my body for being healthy so that I can do a lot of outdoor activities, for example. I'm grateful for my eyes. I'm grateful for being patient, for example, or being caring. So you acknowledge your physical and emotional intellectual qualities. You thank yourself for the efforts you made. Like this morning when I was not feeling so well, I took a moment to just sit very still and I said to myself, thank you for always trying, my dear.

43:59I call myself my dear, my love, honey, sister-dee or my little sister, my sister. You know, just acknowledge, recognize the efforts you make throughout the day. Doesn't matter if it's big or small, great or not, just acknowledge. that is uplifting yourself. Many of us are quite insecure. We need affirmation from others. We wait for praises from others. We wait for others to tell us that they love us. But the truth is that if we are lucky to have some people who give those things to us, we wouldn't feel it deep in our hearts anyway because we don't believe it, you see? But if we can practice that, giving thanks to ourselves, very often in our daily life, we give the acknowledgement to ourselves, the recognition to ourselves.

45:07Then that's inner strength. We don't need to wait for others to do it for us. That's being self-love and self-sufficient. And from that place, you will be more generous to recognize that in others, even if they are causing you pain or causing you irritation. You can still see the goodness, the efforts that they are making. So that is learning to appreciate oneself. You know, and also like in the computer terms, we talk about, you know, if the computer is stuck like this morning, I tried to get on to connect with you and the computer just froze. So what I did, I turn it off. I restart it. I refresh it.

45:57You know, I reboot it. So that's what we do. The same thing we do. But unfortunately, we don't do that with ourselves. But we can through the practice of beginning anew. When you feel a little down or you're stuck, just refresh, restart by taking a moment to sit quietly, come back to your in-breath and your out-breath as it is. That is also beginning anew. No words, but you start afresh with your breath. Becoming aware that you're still alive. However horrible the situation is, you're still alive. You still have a body. You see? And then you can say, I know you're tired. And I'm grateful for all your efforts.

46:47I love you. Thank you. If you just say that to yourself, in those moments, that's such deep consolation. Such deep love. You see how it's different from if you are tired, then you're like, oh, I'm so stupid. I can't get anything done. Oh, I have so much things to do. That just clutter yourself more. It's like punching yourself yet another time. So we have a choice. Make sure we make a wise choice in this way. Within this context of thanking yourself, expressing gratitude to yourself, you've said that it can be helpful in moving from a scarcity mindset to an enoughness mindset. Thank you. Can you explain what you mean by that?

47:38Wonderful. A scarcity mindset many of us operate on. I'm not good enough. I'm not enough. And so whatever we do, again, it's not enough. And it doesn't make us good enough either. That's a scarcity mindset. So it's like we're drowning and we're like trying to get some air, but it's just never enough. And of course, if we're not enough, then others are not enough either. And so this world is just impoverished through our lens, through our negative views. But if we recognize that, you know, the Chinese character for enough, it has a mouth, a straight line for the body, vertical line, a horizontal line for an arm, and then two crosses for two legs.

48:30That stands for enough. If you got a head, a mouth, you got a body, you get one arm only and two legs. That's enough. You see what I mean? Then we see, you know, like we have more than enough. We still have this body with all the organs intact. We still have a job, still have a roof over our head. There are people who have a lot less than us. And yet, if they know that they have enough, then they are actually richer than us in their mind. And actually, in the teaching of the Buddha, there's this line, Tri tuk vi tối phu. if you know that you are enough, that you have enough, that is the most wealth.

49:17That's the wealthiest thing. So it's not that you accumulate more things, more titles, more honors, more successes, that you are rich, you are wealthy, you are powerful. It is in knowing that you have enough, in knowing that you are enough, that you are the wealthiest person. Isn't that great? It's great. And I'm just reflecting, honestly, on how I struggle with this, you know, having been raised in late stage capitalist America and watching TV shows growing up called Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. And, you know, it's still even after doing 800 interviews for this podcast and 15, 16 years of pretty dedicated meditation, I still have, I can still see in me the lack of enoughness.

50:08Then it goes back to interbeing. Your view is not your view, my dear. Your view has been inculcated, ingrained in you from your parents, from your society, from all these generations. So if Dan Harris can transform this view by recognizing, wow, I still have my head, nice hair, right? My eyes still, you know, healthy, don't have the word glasses. You still have teeth to smile, such a nice smile, right? You still have a body, not bad, right? And you do meaningful things in the world. I just went to a retreat at Omega Institute in New York. and there were a couple of people who said they found out about our tradition through your podcast, my dear.

50:59Oh, that's great. Isn't that wonderful? So you are influencing people in the world. You are doing good. But if you don't recognize that, then who can feel that they are enough, that they have done enough, you see? So Dan Harris practices, he will help so many others see that they are more than enough, that they have more than enough. So in knowing that you have enough, that you are enough, that you become the wealthiest person. And it's a practice of being mindful of what we have. And as long as you're still breathing, you still have a lot. And as long as you live in this country, you still have a lot more than many people all over the world.

51:47Even with its problems, no question. Yes. That was extremely helpful. I really appreciate it. I could put that on a loop and play it to myself every day. Just a question that goes back to the Buddhist concept of the self being an illusion, which, again, I just want to say to people listening that I know a lot of people, you know, come to Buddhism because they want a little more calm in their life. And then they, you know, wash up on the rocky shores of this, this very hard to grok concept of the self being an illusion. The key to understanding, in my opinion, is two things are true at the same time.

52:21One on one level, you're you are you dear listener to this show. You are you. You had to make the affirmative decision to listen to this podcast and you're moving through the world right now. And you're you on a deeper level. If we took a high powered microscope and applied it to your body, you know, it would be mostly subatomic particles spinning through empty space. So so ultimately, there is no core graspable nugget of you. And so it's about understanding these two truths simultaneously. That's how I handle it. And Sister D, I'm sure you'll leap in here and correct any errors I've made. But it just kind of gets to this question that keeps coming up in my mind when you talk about talking to yourself more lovingly.

53:05Who is talking to who? There's no who.

53:14At least there's this body, there are these thoughts, and we work with that. Ultimately, if you have high blood pressure or heart disease, it's usually genetic. right? If your child has schizophrenia, that's usually genetic too. So it's a transmission from previous generations to this generation. So yes, on the one hand, there is me, Sister D, there's you, Dan Harris, and the listeners. And at the same time, we have our ancestors in us, their genetic contribution. Now, not just physical traits, you know, their anxiety, their depression, their trauma. We have received everything of them. They have transmitted everything of themselves to us.

54:12And that is from the self equals to non-self. That's the transition. Because if we say, this is me, I have nothing to do with my parents. Once I turn 18 and move out of the house, I have nothing to do with my parents. But you recognize, wow, when you get married, somehow you recognize you behave just like your parents. I talked to a man recently. He said, between my parents, they went through five divorces. And me, I just got a divorce the second time. And I really don't want to repeat this. He's not a big Buddhist or anything. He just came to the practice. But he has inner wisdom to realize he's repeating what his parents have done.

55:00You see? And he doesn't want that. That's why he came to the practice in order to not repeat that pattern in his parents. Recently, I also helped a mother and daughter to do beginning and new. They expressed gratitude to each other, to themselves. First, they water three seeds, you know, three flowers in themselves, and then three flowers in each other. And then they also expressed their regrets. and then when we went to her, the girl, you know, she practiced cutting, this little girl, I mean, only 15 years old and her arms are full of cuts, okay, and she also picked her skin, very big patches and her face as well and she also pulled her hair but she apologized for many things, but she never mentioned her body.

56:03And then I said, what about your body? Can you express regret to your body? And she stayed silent for a long time. And I said, what about you picking on your skin, causing it to bleed like that? There were some very fresh wounds. And she said, I don't want to apologize because I know I'm not going to stop. So anyway, after a while, I told her, express your regret and say, I want to love you better. I want to take better care of you. And she did. You know what? When it was her mother's turn, she undid her watch and she showed her wrist to her daughter. And she said, I'm so sorry I transmitted to you.

56:58These are scars. I started cutting myself to for many years. The daughter had never known. She's 16 years old, but she never knew her mother also practiced cutting. Until now, her mother showed her the scars and told her. So that is transmission, you see. transmission of the sadness, of the pain, of the trauma from mother to daughter, unspoken through unspoken language. But the daughter is repeating without knowing that she's repeating her mother's pattern. That is when for myself, we go to non-self, speaking very concretely. I don't want to go to subatomic particles and things because people But that's something very, at a gross level, very obvious, very concrete, touchable.

57:56That's through beginning I knew that the mother was able to tell her daughter something that she hid all these years. She showed her concerns towards her daughter. She cried when she saw those wounds on her daughter. But her daughter never knew. But from that conversation, the daughter realized that, well, I am repeating my mother's pattern, that my body is my mother's body. So when I pick on my skin like that, my mother feels that pain. And if I learn to take care of my sadness, of my confusion, and take care of my skin, that is the best way I can help my mother heal. my mother inside me and thankfully my mother outside me she's still alive and we can help each other to heal it's that concrete it's that real I like your version better coming up Sister D talks about the remaining three steps of the beginning a new practice keep it here

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1:01:15I'm aware that we've only got 30 minutes left, and I'd like to move through the remaining three steps of the beginning again practice as applied to oneself. So if you're up for it, let's talk about the second step, which is saying I'm sorry or expressing regrets? Yes. We actually went through a lot of that in our conversation earlier, expressing regrets, to be able to say to ourselves, I am sorry. I have been unskillful towards myself. In my thoughts, I've been self-sabotaging. In my speech, I've been negative in my actions, like picking my skin, pulling my hair, trying to hurt myself in any way, or trying to walk away from situations before I actually fail.

1:02:07Like we do that self-fulfilling prophecy, oh, I'm not going to be able to do it anyway. So we walk away from the situation. And then we say, see, I couldn't finish it. I couldn't succeed it anyway. So we recognize those negative coping mechanisms that we have done to ourselves. Maybe when we were children, others put us down. Our parents were unskillful to us. But now as victims, we have become perpetrators and we continue those patterns from our parents or we continue to try to escape or, you know, to run away or to shut down, to numb ourselves or to keep fighting. All those patterns, all those ways of coping maybe worked at one point in our life, but now it just becomes a habit and a personality.

1:03:06We need to recognize those patterns and to say, I'm sorry that I continue to do that to myself. Help me to do better. Help me to change that. I deserve that. We need to say to ourselves, I deserve healing. I deserve transformation because my healing and transformation will be the healing and transformation of my parents as well as of my children and the younger generations. So expressing regrets, being really open and honest with ourselves, you know, about our unskillfulness is very important. I often tell young people, you can fool others, but make sure you don't fool yourself. You can lie to others, but make sure you don't lie to yourself.

1:04:07When I, you know, helped that young teenager and she wouldn't even look at her body or express any regret about her body. And I pointed to her about the scars and the scabs on her arms, on her face. She smiled and I said, do you remember what denial stands for? And she had this smirk on her face and she said, don't even know I'm lying. I said, you're such a good disciple. Because I've taught them that, you know, I've taught many young people. Denial can stand for don't even know I'm lying. Okay, so make sure you don't lie to yourselves. Make sure you just say, I'm sorry to yourself, and it actually feels good.

1:04:55Some of us who have been hurt and abused, we wait for the perpetrator to say sorry to us. A woman on her dying bed is still waiting for her husband to say sorry because he betrayed her in the past. And if we're lucky, they say sorry. But we can practice that for ourselves. You can say, I'm sorry that I have become a perpetrator. I'm sorry that I'm unkind and unsupportive of myself. And from that place, you don't need to wait for others to apologize. And I share with this mother and daughter, when you can begin anew with yourself in this way, you don't even need to forgive the perpetrator. The forgiveness, it just takes place by itself.

1:05:54We are hurt, that's why we need others. You know, to forgive others. But when we heal this wound, you realize that the perpetrators out there, they also have been victims. They've also learned, witnessed those kind of negative behaviors. failures, they've also experienced that. Hurt people hurt people. That's why they perpetuate that kind of pain. So if we learn to be our own soulmate again and care for ourselves, begin anew with ourselves, then our heart becomes wide open and magnanimous to help care for others instead of pining away, dying instead of truly living and truly giving to life. What is the difference between, I understand it when you're doing beginning anew with two people, but when you're doing it with yourself, what's the difference between step two, which is saying I'm sorry, and step three, which is expressing hurts or, you know, describing the things that have been done wrong to you?

1:07:04Oh, that's good. Then they overlap a little bit. Yeah, they overlap. So we can go to the third part, okay? Expressing hurts that have been done. When we do self-beginning anew, that have been done with ourselves. So yes, it's overlap. Like, I'm sorry, you know, I don't take care of my body. I do self-harm. I entertain, you know, suicidal ideation, et cetera. Please help me to find a way out. So you can express all that. So that overlaps with the second one. Also, a lot of time, either we don't acknowledge our denial, we are not even aware that we have been hurt. Some people, they don't remember their childhood, the abuse that they went through.

1:07:57until when they're older, they practice meditation, and then certain memories will resurface. So hurt can be deeply entrenched that we are not aware of. So we need to sit more quietly with ourselves. And over time, we can realize why we are the way we are. This is because that is. This is not because that is not. That is interbeing, you know? you have everything in your life and yet you are not happy. It's because there's certain issues in your life have not been addressed, have not been healed. Also, people don't want to express hurts because it makes them feel vulnerable. So we try to sweep it under the carpet to ignore it because we're afraid we cannot handle it.

1:08:50Also, we don't want to express hurts because we are afraid that will be misunderstood by others, you see? Or others don't really receive it well and they will lash back at us. So it is threatening. It is scary to make ourselves vulnerable. So again, doing self-beginning is important because of that. That's how I see it. We can learn to be vulnerable to ourselves. We can learn to be there for the vulnerable, wounded child in us and to reassure them, I'm here for you. I'm here to practice deep listening with you. I'm here to practice loving speech with you. Tell me, talk to me, help me to be there for you.

1:09:41Help me to care for you. Now I'm an adult. Now I'm a teenager. I can take care of you. So if you are able to allow the child in you to express hurts, if you are able to express hurts to yourself, then you build that internal strength. You are not so fragile and so vulnerable to yourself and to others. So if I understand it correctly, step two of apologizing, that's basically saying to the body or to yourself, You know, I've been speaking unskillfully about myself to myself or to others, or I've been mistreating my body. I'm going to apologize. With step three, it's about admitting one's own wounds to oneself, even if one is not willing to admit them to others.

1:10:36Yes, yes. Deeper levels. The step three is deeper, going deeper than step two. Yeah. And it may also be in step two mistakes that I made vis-a-vis myself. And in step three, it might be admitting the mistreatment I suffered at the hands of others. Exactly. But that I don't necessarily want to admit. Exactly. Right. And when we do beginning anew with each other, for example, if I do beginning anew with you for step two, I can say, I'm sorry, Dan. You know, I said something. I thought it was funny. but maybe you didn't feel it was funny. Maybe you felt I tried to put you down, for example, like that, you see.

1:11:21Because sometimes when we are funny, trying to be funny or sarcastic, it can be also hurtful. Or you mean to do well, you buy a gift, but the person doesn't appreciate it because the person doesn't like that particular food or that particular kind of flower, you see. So if we love but without understanding, then our love can also be misplaced or misunderstood or can be suffocating. So we can also express that we are sorry. And then the third part, you have done that to hurt me many years ago. Or, you know, I feel disrespected by you or I feel unheard, unseen. by the way we don't communicate with each other.

1:12:11So that's like deeper hurts. Okay, so let's talk about the fourth step, which is resolutions. Yeah. Can you talk about how we would carry that or enact, operationalize that step? The fourth step is to find resolution. It's important because in relationships, even if we can say, I'm sorry, you know, I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry, I drank again, I did drugs again, or I'm sorry, I checked out and I stay in my room for eight hours without talking to you. But if we keep doing it again and again, then our apologies become meaningless. We lose faith in each other. So to find concrete resolutions to remedy the situation is very important.

1:13:03and the same thing, it starts with ourselves. We need to build trust and confidence in ourselves. Through hurt and pain, many of us actually lose faith in ourselves. Through the modality of checking out, trying to escape situation, escaping ourselves, we really feel we cannot be there for ourselves. were not able to resolve conflicts. So not only you lose faith in the adults who hurt you, but you have also lost faith in yourself as children and then as adults. So our teacher has taught, the way out is in. The way out is in. The way out is not to going further outward, to seek entertainment and diversion.

1:13:59to forget and suppress. The way out is in. And it makes a full cycle of learning to be one's old soulmate. To sit with oneself, listen to your breathing pattern. Oh, I'm having a stress breathing pattern right now. I'm going through a stress response right now. Using the mindful breath, just being aware of the in-breath as it is, the out-breath as it is. You anchor your mind in your breath, in your body. Your breathing becomes more relaxed. Your body becomes more calm. You're self-regulating. And then you listen to what's arising in your thoughts and your feelings. And you practice loving speech and deep listening to that.

1:14:50That is the way out is in. You're going back in. And the certain wounds will arise. It will speak to you. But you will be in such a stable posture that you say, I'm here to listen to you. Help me not to run away from you anymore. You understand your situation is such at this time because of what happened five years ago, 10 years ago, even 20, 30 years ago. That is the way out is in. We see the roots of the problem. We don't, you know, like take care of the problem by the branch. Like you cut something at the branch, but at the root is diseased. It's not tended, then it will give out more diseased or sick branches and leaves.

1:15:39So we take care of the problem at the root. And mindful breathing can help. You can learn more about our practice through the Plum Village tradition. We practice mindful walking. We practice deep relaxation. all these practices is to come back in. And you know what? The stress and pain in our life is expressed in our body. We may not be aware of it, but in your breathing pattern, short, shallow, rapid, your face may be full of tension, may be full of creases. You know, people who frown a lot, they have many lines on their forehead, between their eyebrows at the edge of their mouth. We carry our trauma.

1:16:28The shoulders may stoop over. We may have a hunchback. Our arms, our hands are tense or restless. All that expresses a lot of stress, emotional stress. So if we learn to be aware of the body, we relax, we breathe, we learn to embrace our own body. All that will help relieve the tension and the physical and mental pain. And bit by bit, we make peace with ourselves, with our life, from the roots. And from that place, we are able to begin anew with our loved ones. Now, in Japanese, there is this art called Kintsugi. K-I-N-T-S-U-G-I, Kintsugi. When a beautiful, precious vase or object is broken, they don't throw those pieces away.

1:17:29They actually seal these pieces together with gold. Now you have a new pot, a new vase, and those cracks are highlighted, accentuated with gold. and it actually becomes even more beautiful and more exotic. You see, now all of us will have broken pieces in our life, in our hearts. We don't have to throw those parts away. We don't have to try to come up with a drug that can erase memory. But through the practice of mindful sitting, mindful walking, loving speech, deep listening. We learn to be our own soulmate. We learn to embrace our wounded inner child. That's gold, gold that will mend the pieces of our life, making us unique.

1:18:33Like you, Dan Harris, you are unique. No second person can be like you. No second person will be like me. You know, if you look at me, above my eyebrows, right in the middle on my forehead, there is a scar. I was in so much pain as a child. At nine, I was sexually abused. I couldn't tell my mother or anybody else. So I used this Vietnamese coin that it looks like it has a star shape. so I scrub it on my forehead and those two edges cause my skin to bleed, to scab over and to form this scar. It's 40 some years already and now the scar is smaller, it's lighter but is still there. You see? But you know what?

1:19:35Because I have practiced to be my own soulmate, to heal my wounded child from this scar, from this trauma, I have turned that into something precious, more precious than gold. I understand suffering and I know the way out and I'm actively practicing it and I'm transmitting it to you, to many young people so that they can do the same. And maybe they are more fortunate than me. They meet their Dharma earlier than me. You see? So that's Kintsuki, mending with gold, mending our wounds with the practice of self beginning anew, mending our relationships with the practice of beginning anew. Fortunately, in our time, most people come together because we love each other.

1:20:37Not rearranged marriage or arranged marriage or something, but our love. But after a few years, we don't appreciate each other anymore. we don't respect each other anymore we may be together but we are abusive and unkind to each other and then we may commit adultery having extramarital affairs causing even more problems not long ago I offered a consultation to a woman of Japanese descent and she fell into that situation and at the end, I said this to her. I said, you know, Japanese art, it's so unique and precious because it's simple and elegant. You know what? When I said that, she just broke down and cried.

1:21:44she just soft so hard so when we suffer when we are hurt we hurt others and we create more complications in our life by doing things that are not very healthy not very helpful we complicate ourselves but true art has simplicity and elegance. And a beautiful life also has the elements of simplicity and elegance. And we can do this concretely in our daily life by going through these four steps or any one of these steps anywhere, anytime. Just come back and be real, authentic with ourselves. You know AI, artificial intelligence, going back to being non-human? Well, AI can also mean authentic insight.

1:22:55To maintain our humanness, our spiritual being, we need to gain authentic insight. not to be swept away by artificial intelligence. Authentic insight that's already innate in us. We just need to come back, to quiet down, simplify our lives, make time to sit quietly, to walk in nature, to listen to ourselves, to listen to each other, to strengthen relationships from within and without. And it gives deep meaning in our lives and it brings about healing and transformation at the base. Thank you, my dear ones. Sister D, I love having you on the show. I just want to remind people that Sister D has written several books, A Woman's Journey from Doctor to None, Mindfulness as Medicine, Flowers in the Dark and the fourth book is The River in Me The River in Me we also have talks online on YouTube talks from our teacher from our monastic brothers and sisters and many of my talks on YouTube as well okay we will put links to those in the show notes in the meantime thank you for making time to do this it's always awesome thank you dear Dan Thank you for all your efforts in bringing positivity into the world, okay?

1:24:36And when we practice this, we are not just 10 % happier. We are a whole lot happier, okay? True happiness, deep from within, okay? And then practice it. Practice beginning anew with yourself and your loved ones, okay? Okay, I will. I love it. Because you help change many others. Thank you. Thank you.

1:25:03Thanks again to Sister D. Always love having her on the show. If you want to listen to her earlier appearances, I've dropped some links in the show notes. And if you want to go deeper on self-compassion, we've got a guided meditation customized to this episode from our Teacher of the Month, Vinny Ferraro. Speaking of Vinny, he will be doing a live guided meditation session tomorrow, Tuesday, September 9th at 4 Eastern. and we're now doing these weekly. They will feature either me or the Teacher of the Month or the two of us together. And finally, don't forget, if you want to practice with me in person, I've got a couple events coming up.

1:25:37One on September 21st at the New York Insight Meditation Center and the other on October 24th through the 26th, the weekend-long thing, at the Omega Institute. Links for both in the show notes. Finally, thank you so much to everybody who worked so hard on the show. Our producers are Tara Anderson, Caroline Keenan, and Eleanor Vasili. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer. Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer. DJ Kashmir is our executive producer. And Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.

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