Your Nervous System Is Being Hijacked. Here's How To Get It Back. | Tara Brach

32:16They tend not to be aggressive and obnoxious and destructive. So that's just one thing to say. The second thing I wanted to say to to have your back on all of this is that this is not weakness that because there is there is and I get it. This this desire to push back on what you're calling love based activism as weak. Well, that's not what's needed right now. This is what's gotten us in trouble in the first place is all too much namby pamby love stuff. But being motivated by hatred and aggression on the level of the brain makes you less effective. Love does not mean you're inviting your enemies over for dinner or giving them a free pass or you're being a doormat.

33:03It just means you are not miserable, which isn't helping anybody anyway. OK, so now I'm going to shut up and see if you agree with everything I just said there. I totally do. I mean, the whole idea of choosing love is not just that it sounds nice. It's really our opening to a more evolved potential. And for me, one of the key pieces of that is, again, Gregory Boyle, is to be able to use our imagination to sense what's possible in others. I mean, I think as long as we can sense the possibility in others for goodness and the possibilities in our world, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen, but it means that we're part of whatever healing is possible.

33:55And one of my heroes, John Lewis, most of you know of, you know, long-lived civil rights leader, congressman, African-American, lived through decades of racial violence. So he told a story. And this was, it was about over 65 years ago, he was talking about how he and a colleague were beaten with baseball bats by a group of white men. And they didn't fight back. They didn't press charges. They treated their wounds and continued their work, which is nonviolent resistance. Okay, so about 15 years ago, one of those attackers, his name was Elvin Wilson. And he walked into Lewis's Capitol Hill office with his son.

34:41And he said, you know, I'm the man who beat you and I want to atone. Will you forgive me? And so Lewis said, you know, I forgave him. We embraced, you know, he and his son and I, and we all wept. And then we talked. Then as he's finishing telling the story, and he says this quietly, almost to himself, he says, people can change. So I'm sharing this because here he was. He had the resilience and the courage through these decades. And this is despite the brutality, the cruelty, the hatred and racism. He maintained his imagination to see potential in humans. And I feel like that's our work. I quoted Thich Nhat Hanh at the beginning, to not let this consume our light.

35:29It's to keep having the spiritual audacity to choose love. and the place it's hardest, I think, speaking personally, for me is when I'm caught in the bad othering. You described one way is to bring people to mind and have a wish that actually makes a whole lot of sense for them. For me, there's an initial step before I can even do that often when I'm bad othering is to first go inward and sense in myself where it's coming from. Like do that U-turn because usually it's coming, even though it's taking shape as anger, under anger there's something we care about. I mean, there's something that matters to us.

36:19And it feels really crucial right now that we keep getting down to what we care about because that's what will give us hope, You know, that we can sense we care about people and other people do. Other people are caring and we're holding hands. That caring is a cleaner burning fuel than hatred and aggression. And that doesn't mean you can't take really firm action, but let it be motivated by caring about the people you claim to protect and caring about yourself, caring about the world. So let that be what drives you rather than wanting to see, you know, death and destruction rain down upon your enemies.

37:00Yeah, yeah. There's that line from a movie, vengeance is a lazy form of grief. And so, you know, vengeance is, it doesn't really help the world. If we get down to our grief, and I'm a believer in grieving, I often will ask that question to people like, what's breaking your heart? because even the question when I ask myself, I realize there is a place in me where my heart's breaking and I am so glad that that's there and that I can feel it because embedded in grief is caring. And when you say it's a cleaner burning fuel, oh my gosh, I mean, there's no transformation that's happened through history that was something we would applaud that came from vengeance, anger, hatred, you know, it comes from care and the leaders that we most honor.

37:52You can feel that caring coming through. Tara, let's go back to something you were talking about earlier. I think you were talking about somebody who's very active on the Ukraine issue and she's doing it in ways that are like small, like small daily actions. The last time you were on the show, and I'll drop a link in the show notes because it was a great conversation and And in many ways, this conversation is building on it. You used a phrase that I had never heard before. And then I started saying it a lot and it kind of got picked up in the in the culture, not just because of me, but also because of you and others.

38:27I got picked up in the culture and the sort of depressing post Trump reelection days. And that that phrase is action absorbs anxiety. I had literally never heard it before I heard you say it. And then I started saying it a bunch, giving you credit. And now other people say it sometimes give me credit, which I don't deserve because I did not coin it. And so I just love you to say a little bit about how action is available to those of us who are perhaps overly over employed and have a lot of child care responsibilities or whatever and don't have time to like make signs and go marching. What what what's available to us?

39:08Yeah. Well, first of all, I didn't coin it, and I can't remember who did, but it's a great phrase. But what I add to it now, action absorbs anxiety, and action with others deepens belonging and serves the world. That it really makes a difference to hold hands and act together. and so but I think your question was just really good is what do you say to the person who is overwhelmed and busy or who feels just isolated or stressed or has no idea where to start and you know I often will talk about just the small things of I mean I was so touched by this woman who that I mentioned who said that reaching out in those small ways she said it saved my life and that was very big you know it's just that I started trusting that even these small things make a difference so I think we that's part of the interdependence web that we're part of that if we care and just reach out in some small way there's also a quote that I'll share that has stuck with me a lot this is John Rodell who says whenever I feel helpless in this overwhelming world I become a helper oh oh my love on the days when it feels like I have no power I serve others you see whenever I wash the world's feet my hands immediately stop shaking well you can feel the truth of it that we lose our selfness our separateness in the moment that we're washing the world's feet in any way in any way here I come with another in my glib profane little statements but uh the view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass and that's what happens when you're helping other people you're just less stuck in your stuff and the helping doesn't even have to be related to the thing you're worried about you know if you're worried about ukraine texting a friend who's having a bad day will suffice in my view and that and I'd be curious to see if you agree but that to me qualifies as action that absorbs anxiety absolutely I mean I feel like anything we do out of caring is part of love-based activism and I think that it feels really important that we stretch some to widen the circles and by that I I mean, let ourselves pay.

41:53We don't have to like take on every cause in the world, but often we can live in this cocoon where we really, those over on that continent, having that happen, feel very unreal. So it's valuable to see what we can do to have others become more real to us. And that means stretching a little to live into the felt experience of what would that be like? You know, what would it be like if, you know, because of this climate emergency, I had to leave my home and I didn't have the money for other homes and I wasn't able to get across a border to somewhere safer? And, you know, what would that really be like?

42:38So I think it's important that we stretch in that way. And I say that and also want to say that it's easier to stretch. it's easier to widen circles it's easier to talk about forgiveness when we have the privilege of not being that proximate ourselves and there are many people that are living much closer into violence and are much more overwhelmed and the first step on a on a path of healing and freedom for the world is to if we're choosing to love we have to choose to love what's going on inside us And so I feel like the grounds of this path we're talking about, Dan, is really, we're talking about having the spiritual audacity to choose to love because it's always dangerous because it takes us beyond ourself and that always feels dangerous on some level.

43:31And the first starting place is to love our fear, to love our hurt, to love the parts of our own being that we have in some way pushed away. because if we're traumatized, we have to do that so that we're feeling more safe, more at home, so we can then even have the capacity to widen circles. So I feel like in my own teaching, I have to be very careful not to talk too much about how we all need to forgive everybody, you know, because we can't. If we've been traumatized, there's a natural development in that process. And it starts with bringing a lot of love inward and having others help us have that feeling of more safety.

44:22The springtime thaw is finally here. Flowers are blooming. Days are getting longer. We're saying yes to more plans and finally getting outside, running, walking, just moving again. It's the perfect time to upgrade your everyday go-tos with Bombas. Bombas sports socks are super comfortable and designed with sport-specific tech for running, cycling, yoga, hiking, you name it. I've been wearing Bombas sports socks for a while now. They are awesome. I wear them not only for my workouts, but also just when I'm wearing a nice pair of sneakers out and about because they're not only functional, but they also look good.

44:58They've also got slides and sandals, underwear and tees, and they've got a really cool mission. For every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to somebody facing housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated with over 150 million donations and counting. Head over to Bombas.com slash happier and use the code happier for 20 % off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash happier. Code happier at checkout.

45:30Summer always changes how I get dressed. This is, I'm pretty sure, true for you as well. I, speaking personally, want pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, things that are easy but still look good. And that is why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that look and feel amazing. Think breathable linen and soft organic cotton. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markup. It's that rare balance where everything feels elevated but still effortless. Quince European linen pants and shirts are the perfect warm weather upgrade to add to your rotation starting at just$34.

46:05Their tees are soft and easy to wear and their lightweight cotton sweaters are perfect for those cooler summer nights. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. You've heard me talk about Quince before. They're a longtime supporter of this show, for which I'm grateful. I'm actually looking down as I read this ad copy. I'm looking down over my desk. I can see my feet and I've got Quince socks on at this very moment. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to Quince.com slash happier for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

46:42Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash happier for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash happier.

46:59can you say a little bit about how practically we can learn to love our own fear our own hatred our own whatever is dogging us yeah well maybe to just go back to that i said earlier to have first of all the understanding that if there's a part of ourselves that we're not opening to. It's there. And the feeling of not opening to it, what it does is it locks us in some undercurrent of anxiety and tension and not being at home. So Carl Jung always talked about that our suffering comes from the unseen, unfelt parts of our psyche, and it just feels true. So that's the first. It's just some intuitive understanding that if I don't open to what's here, I'm going to be imprisoned in a certain way and I won't have full access to the joy and the love.

47:55So once we're motivated, once we're motivated to have that, and again, it's spiritual audacity, that courage to choose to love, then the practicality is, and I often use RAIN for this because it's so useful, is to recognize the way those parts are expressing themselves in the moment. It might be that we're constantly judging other people, or blaming other people, or we're constantly judging ourselves, or we're always postponing things, or whatever shape it takes just to start where we are. That's the entry point. Wherever we are, that there's some hint of suffering, we start there and name it in some way and let it be there.

48:41I always encourage people to use the message, this belongs, because just like a wave in the ocean, it is here. It's reality. So reality belongs. And any effort to push away or judge or not pay attention denies reality or war with reality. So the first two steps are to name the suffering as it arises. And I use blame a lot as an example because so many of us are caught in anger and blame. And then to say, okay, this belongs. And then to begin to really investigate. And it's very somatic. I mean, the mistake most people get into is to do a kind of mental investigation of he said, she said, I shouldn't, I didn't.

49:29Feel it in our bodies. It helps to say, well, what am I believing when this is going on? Just to get a little more sense of the limiting thought that's containing us. But go into our body and feel it. And here's a trick I use a lot. because most of us are pretty dissociated from our bodies and you know there's that saying our issues are in our tissues and we have to we have to feel what's here to be able to to really open the big question is well how do I get into my body and what I found helps is let's say under blame is a feeling of personal failure and adequacy or shame or not okayness to make the facial expression that you think approximates that and take the posture and play with this.

50:22This is psychodrama. It's expressive therapies, but it works. It works. It's an outside-in thing that works. Actually make the face and feel the feeling behind the face because the vagal nerve runs through the face. It gives a lot of information. And then just have the intention to feel in the body what you're feeling, to say yes to the most vulnerable place inside the body. So that's the way of getting in and feeling feelings. And the healing comes when we sense what that place needs. It's often a place that feels unloved or unworthy. And what it needs is some flavor of care. and we can kind of be in dialogue with the parts of ourselves and find out what's the flavor and then my hand on my heart try to offer it and if we can't offer it ourselves don't be shy about invoking or imagining because this is imagination again that works any source that you wish you could get that affirmation from any source imagine it like if it's the mother you didn't have, imagine that mother.

51:38If it's formless light and love, imagine that. If it's your dog or if it's a tree, just bring it up and then sense what you needed coming through. Because what I have found is when we can really say yes to the feelings and offer some care, there's an enlarging of being, we're occupying a larger sense of who we are. And we're living from a larger truth. It's like more true, the space of compassion and presence than any story that we were caught in. So I hope that's helpful. I know it's a little abstract when I give it, when I give the directions in that way, but I hope that gives a feeling for it.

52:25No, it's great. I'm going to say it back to you to make sure I've got it. And of course, by extension, to make sure that the viewers and listeners have it. Is that is that cool with you? Please. You mentioned RAIN. That's an acronym, R-A-I-N, that was first articulated by a Dharma teacher named Michelle McDonald, but but popularized by you over many, many years and to great and very helpful effect. And so what you're saying, if we're proceeding from the question of like, how do we love the difficult or ugly parts of ourselves, our hatred, our shame? Rain is a great and very practical method that you can use in formal meditation or just as you're moving through the world.

53:13So R is to recognize, oh, this is what's happening right now. I'm yeah, I'm just in a spiral of self-loathing. I'm looking in the mirror and I don't like that guy. So just to recognize it is R. A is to allow it. We don't want to be at war with reality. This is what's happening right now. As you said, this belongs. I is to investigate it. And that doesn't, as you say, mean a cognitive intellectual investigation. What are the roots of this? Is this because of my, you know, how my dad talked to me when I was a kid? No, this is about investigating somatically. how is this self-hatred or whatever we're dealing with showing up in the body?

53:55And if you have no toehold in your bodily sensations because the world teaches us to dissociate, you can actually do a little bit of play acting of like making the facial expression that roughly approximates the thing you're trying to investigate and adopting the posture that that might essentially doing an interpretive dance of the emotion and then allowing your mind and your mindfulness to see like, how does this feel? Is there a buzzing in my chest? Is there a heaviness in my head? Is this is there a feeling of an anvil in my stomach? So you're just checking it out. And by checking it out, it loses some of its solidity.

54:38You start to see that it's made up of a flexing gumbo of sensations. And then N is nurture. There are lots of ways to talk about and but and nurture is one of the most common one ones and what you were recommending is like to talk to that part of ourselves that is the difficult part that we're trying to work with and if we can't summon something useful and constructive to say to that part well we can enlist help from somebody in our world so maybe it's me imagining my cat ozzy who loves me and jumps up on the bed and licks my face in the morning is saying, bro, that hateful part of you is actually just the organism trying to protect itself.

55:24Like it's not awesome and we're not trying to give permission to it, but we are trying to peacefully disarm it through seeing that it is trying to help you. How did I do as a rough summation there? You did great. It really was It's great. And there's some things I particularly liked, which is that the more you pay attention in this way, the less you're identified. And that's just what happens. And the N of nurture, it's not so much of a cognitive message as an energetic warmth that we intend to let in. And I always talk about after the rain, just like after a real rain is when you see the flowering.

56:06after the rain we can start to sense that larger not so identified presence that's more who we are and and the beauty of it you know learning to this is a way we're loving love is a form of attention we're loving our fear we're loving what's here is that once we've done that and once we're resting in a larger space it's much more natural for us to perceive ourselves as part of a larger world and to very caringly and creatively want to serve into that world. So it does work to first start inwardly to love what's here and then find that we are in love with our world. Yes. And then when you engage effectively and lovingly with the world, your inner weather gets even better and then your relationships get even better and then you get even this is this is the upward spiral that is available to all of us if we want to go there it is a virtuous uh a virtuous spiral one of the illusions i do want to name because we're talking a lot about feeling a larger belonging and serving into our world is that it's an illusion that we're a separate self trying to help and that's when most of us are in and it's very the reason I so like teaming up with others is because it makes it so clear that I'm part of the stream of caring that and the stream of awakening and one of the most one of my most ongoing reflections I invite anybody to do this because I feel like it really helps especially when we're feeling like the world is really in trouble and feeling isolated is I will bring to mind all of those beings that I know that really care and there's tons and tons, all of you listening people I know who are helping are trying to do what they can I was with a group recently and so many people were talking about how they wanted a more loving world and they wanted to help.

58:21They weren't sure what to do. So just to bring everyone to mind, those around the globe that are caring about the most vulnerable and about our living earth. And then I'll bring to mind beings from the past, just to sense, and this isn't necessarily famous people, but just all those who care deeply and in small ways or large ways try to help. And then I'll do those in the future, our descendants, you know, our great-grandchildren, children, those who will be trying to serve the world. And then I kind of pull it all together as this big field of caring. Bodhicitta is the word, you know, that aspiration to help and sense that we're all a part of this.

59:04And that gives a lot more resilience and freedom and courage and happiness, then it's kind of like the exhaustion of thinking that I'm separate and trying to make a difference. So I invite people to reflect on all those who are caring. It really does help. I buy it completely. And, you know, one of the big themes of this conversation is the meeting of inner and outer. And in fact, the illusion that there's a separation between inner and outer. But if we think of roughly what you just described as an inner exercise of using imagination and contemplative practice to break down this barrier, this illusion of separation, we can think of that as an inner move.

59:55But there are also outer moves, to harken back to the question that the people in the group you were speaking to asked, like, how do we get involved. And, you know, I don't think it's that complicated. Like volunteering is there are plenty of organizations that would love to have your labor. And and volunteering is a great way to put yourself in contact with people who share your values. And it doesn't have to be huge and all consuming. My cousin, Deb, for example, does this thing where on a Wednesday evening, once a month or once every other month, like people drop off the makings of sandwiches.

1:00:34And then we all make the sandwiches together and we drop it off at a shelter for the own house. And it's fun and the kids are involved and it doesn't cost a lot of money. And, you know, you know, it's not changing the whole world, but it is making our little corner of the world better. And I think these two, you can call them like inner contemplative exercises and then outer concrete moves work beautifully together. And in the end, they serve to shave down this illusion of separation. That's beautifully said. And I don't think they can be separated because the more we wake up our heart, the more we naturally want to help.

1:01:15And the more we help, the more we get tender and open. And I also like what you're saying about local. There's something about local and with others that comes really naturally. It doesn't have to be some grand. Like one of my friends here speaks Spanish. So once a week for three hours, she volunteers to help immigrants make sure they understand the documents that they're having to deal with. And another one of my friends is in a rural county and she serves on the election board. and has ended up having to really create relationships with people from the party that she's not part of. And then all sorts of, I mean, the question I ask Dan often, which I've mentioned, is we can sense what really stirs you, what breaks your heart, and also what is love asking?

1:02:08I mean, I just feel like if we say what is love asking, in some way it moves us to, We can donate. We can volunteer time. We can in some way reach out. And whichever we do, if we do it with real care, it does make a difference. Another way to phrase that question, I mean, I'm totally fine with what is love asking, but another phrase that our mutual friend Joseph Goldstein uses a lot, and he got this phrase from Ram Dass, the legendary and no longer with us, sadly, meditation and spiritual teacher and author. he wrote a book or he co-authored a book called How Can I Help? And that's just not a bad phrase to keep in your mind as you move through the world.

1:02:55Yeah, beautiful. Before I let you go, Tara, can you say a little bit about your new workbook? Again, the Courageous Heart workbook. I mentioned earlier that we can care a lot and yet it's very easy to get caught in that trance of busyness, overwhelmed, we can get numb, we can get indifferent, we can get angry. The workbook is a set of trainings for bodhisattvas, meaning all of us who care, to help us wake up and serve from our most caring, awake heart. It starts with very simple practices and how to arrive fully and get more embodied within ourselves and that it includes a lot of the using our imagination kind of practices that I've mentioned and ultimately it's something we can it's a workbook that you can practice with others because there's relational exercises how to work and how to deal with the relationship where there's distance where you've kind of closed your heart to somebody, it's very practical.

1:04:02And it's also has the vision of that we don't know what's going to happen in this world and we don't need to know. We don't need to be hopeful in the sense of having certain expectations. But if we keep open to what's possible, to humans realizing and living more from their goodness, we can serve into that. And that's all that matters is that today, tomorrow, we take those steps that can be helpful and see what happens. Well said. Is there anything you were hoping that we would get to that we have failed to get to? No, this has felt actually really complete. And I've loved the way you've grounded things and what you've added in.

1:04:45I actually took some notes.

1:04:49Well, thank you for saying that. I appreciate it. And thank you for making the time to do this. It's always such a pleasure to talk to you. I feel the same, Dan. Thank you. I want to thank everybody who worked so hard to make this show. 10 % Happier is produced by Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasili. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer. Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer. DJ Kashmir is our executive producer. And Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme. Also, one quick ask before I let you go. So head on over, please, to danharris.com to sign up for my weekly newsletter.

1:05:27Every Monday, I drop a little bit of goodness into your inbox. Mondays, especially Monday mornings, can be super stressful. So that is when I drop in one useful nugget that you can operationalize in your life immediately, either from ancient wisdom like Buddhism or from modern science. It's short. It's easy to read. It's worth it. It's free. Sign up at danharris.com.

1:05:55This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.