23 AuDHD Accommodations You Don't Know About (But REALLY Need)

0:28Fall has never looked or tasted this good. 23 all dhd accommodations that are going to make people's life a lot easier um and there's three in here that i'm going to flag when we get to them that i personally think has helped me the most um and i truly believe that will help the listeners and the viewers the most so what do you mean by all dhd accommodations all dhd if you've got a dual diagnosis of autism and adhd that complex push and pull many contradictions wanting to be clean but struggling to maintain that clean environment or craving stimulation but also getting overstimulated easily for example that that internal tug of war um if you live with that type of neuro type that type of nervous system which can be very confusing then the accommodations that that work well for that are very unique and I think that's what we're going to go through today.

1:20Great. Okay. So 23? 23. And I think so many people get an ADHD diagnosis at one point in their life, and then they finally realize that actually there's more going on, and they also have autism. And I think the problem somebody faces in that position is that they then don't know what to ask for, or they don't know how to advocate for themselves, whether that's in their personal life, in trying to be productive, in their relationships or at work. I think it's a very confusing time because they're not only coming to terms with this new awareness that they're all ADHD rather than just ADHD. So they're also trying to figure out who they are and therefore really struggle to understand what is going to work for them in terms of benefiting their life.

2:07And what was that? I remember Jay Beach had a really good analogy about what all ADHD feels like. It was that there's like two siblings dragging each other across the room by their hair. I love that visual. Very good visual. So I guess if that's what is happening in your brain, you don't really always know what to ask for. So this is a list. It's what you can ask for. Yeah, and the first one, and this is going to be quite, I don't think it should be controversial. I think it's normalizing not having a shower every single day. I personally do have a shower every day. I'm very busy. I'm up and down to London a lot.

2:41I'm very active. But I think for a lot of people, it's not necessary. And I feel like there's this kind of unspoken rule that you have to shower every single day. And that's what everyone does. That's what humans do. But I'm speaking to a lot of people in the community. I think that actually getting undressed, getting in water, it's incredibly overstimulating. It's a sensory nightmare sometimes, having to get soaking wet, having to dry yourself, the time that it takes, the sort of mental energy it takes to think about starting that process. I feel like unless you are a marathon runner or you're extremely active, I don't think we need to shower every single day sometimes.

3:19Having to wait for the perfect temperature of the shower. It's a waste of time. Scratchy towel. The feeling of your feet on the cold ground. Putting on clothes when you still might be slightly damp. That's bad. Yeah. But then you could have it the other way as well. Like if people would maybe like shower because you can zone out and you don't have background noise because you've just got the monotone of the shower and the water. So do you think some people like showering? I think some people love showering. I love taking baths, for example. I try and have at least three, four baths a week. It's my total comfort zone where I enjoy spending time.

4:01It's great. Light a candle, lower the lights. For some people, it will work. For some people, it doesn't. I think it's just a conversation to start. If you are somebody listening or watching and you feel a lot of shame about not showering, as often as society tells you that you should, then sometimes it's not necessary. And we can unstrip that sort of unspoken requirement to shower every single day. So number 23, never ever shower ever again. Right. Okay. Good. Saving water bills. Exactly. So number 22. 22. Never brush your teeth. a brush your teeth. Give a non-answer. So what I mean by that, if someone asks something of your time, for example, do you want to go for dinner tonight?

4:50Or do you want to go for lunch in an hour? Or can you walk my dog tomorrow? Rather than say yes straight away, I think it's the knee-jerk reaction for many people. Give a non-answer that gives you more time to think about what you really want to do. Because I think so many people have this kind of internalized, masked response when people ask something of them and they jump to yes. When you can give a non-answer, which could be, can I let you know tomorrow? I'm not comfortable with that idea. I don't know all the information. Can I get back to you? Are some examples. And it's up to you to decide what's urgent.

5:30Don't let somebody, maybe it's a boss, maybe it's somebody you don't know very well, pressure you into thinking that there's urgency to give a commitment right now, you can make that decision yourself. And by saying, can I let you know tomorrow, you're giving a non-answer, you're buying yourself time, which will enable you to then think about whether you actually want to do that thing or not, rather than letting the masked version of you lead the way, which often puts you in a position you don't really want to be in. And it's very hard to turn a yes into a no. It's easier to turn a can I think about it into a yes.

6:08Don't let their impatience dictate your life decisions. Yes. Because you're like, well, what right do you have to be impatient? I don't have to give you an answer now. You can even say that. Yeah, exactly. It's so important to prioritize your own energy and your own well-being and what you want to do rather than being pressurized into doing something that you don't want to do. Yeah. Yeah, and that ties into the whole people-pleasing aspect, doesn't it? Of always saying, yes, I'd love to do that, even though you don't want to. And then it comes back to haunt you. Okay, number 21. So this is one of the three that I think are going to help the most.

6:46A mental health day. You know, I think that so many people with all DHD wake up and you're just completely dysregulated. You wake up, you can feel that you're approaching burnout. out, you've had a really stressful, really overstimulating couple of days, and you feel that inability to focus, that brain fog, that irritability. And I think we should really normalize having mental health days and advocating for yourself and taking that day off work and doing whatever it takes in that 24 hours to bring yourself back to a regulated space, spending time with yourself taking a long walk spending time with people that you really really like because if you don't if you just work through that dysregulated space if you force yourself to go to work or you force yourself to go to that thing you said yes to then you're only going to crash into burnout and then you're going to need three or four days off to recover from that burnout so it's really beneficial for everyone when you are in that dysregulated space and you wake up and you feel like you just can't do today to advocate for yourself and just take that day off yeah i guess that inner turmoil that inner pain is telling you something isn't it just relax take a day to yourself what do you what would you do on a mental health day alex what would i do yeah i would probably spend a couple of hours on youtube probably play computer games probably listen to music i'm a big damien rice fan take my dog for a walk i'd probably have a takeaway you know I'd probably skip the gym.

8:20Yeah, although some people would want to go to the gym on their mental health day, wouldn't they? Yeah, for some people it's absolutely great. I think I'm lucky I live on the seafront. I'll take my dog for a long walk, get that fresh air in my face. I think it's so important to really connect with the natural earth. So I'd go on the beach, fill those stones under my feet, maybe dip my toes in the water and just spend time with my dog. Yeah. Nice mental health. What would you do on a mental health day? On the mental health day, yeah, I think I would start with a big, nice, long run. And then the rest is simple after that, isn't it?

8:55After you've done something sort of quite hard in the morning, you can relax for the rest of the day, as we were just talking about off camera. But yeah, I guess intuition, just following what your body wants. Yeah, it's amazing how many companies don't have taking a mental health day as part of their accommodation packages or don't see it as a necessary accommodation. If you genuinely feel, and if you are all DHD, you'll know that feeling where you just don't have any social battery left. You're full of brain fog, completely overstimulated, overwhelmed. You need to really protect yourself at that point because if you just plow through it and go to work, get on the bus, train, whatever it is, get to the office, you're going to crash anyway, significantly harder a couple of days later.

9:41and then you're gonna have to take two or three days off yeah good advice mental health day good right number 20 so i probably got a bit of male privilege saying this but i stick to the same outfit most days as often as i can and i don't wear the same i've got like four of these four of these white t-shirts i've got three of these jeans i've got quite a few of these jackets it just takes away the decision-making ability of having to decide what to wear. If I had to decide what to wear every single day and have a new outfit, a new look, then I wouldn't have any capacity left in my head to think about managing this podcast and being creative.

10:22I remember Daniel Radcliffe did that, didn't he, during the height of Harry Potter fame? To trick the paparazzi, he'd just dressed the exact same thing every day, so it looked like they got the same picture every day. Sneaky. Sneaky. but also clever and he wasn't overwhelmed in the morning choosing his outfit. So also good advice if you're extremely famous. At Hogwarts, do they have to wear the same outfit every day? I think so. The same gown. The same gown, yeah. Maybe he learned it there. Yeah, that's good advice because you do dress in the same thing pretty much every time you come to the studio, don't you?

11:00Yes. If you watch the back catalogue of episodes, you'll see that I wear this, or have worn this for probably six months. Actually, to be fair, it rotates. Every six months is generally a slight change, depending on seasons, probably. Once I find something that I like, then that's it. It's like, okay, that job's done. I've made that decision. I don't need to think about that anymore, and that's what I'll wear for six months. So, number 19. What's that? Flexible start times. so I think we should all accommodate for ourselves in whether it's in the workplace enabling yourself to at least have the confidence to ask to start work maybe 10 minutes earlier or 10 minutes later than is the sort of standard time to come into the office how many people have been forced to come into the office at the required start time and because of that it's put them in the firing line of the rush hour traffic or a really, really busy underground train or a packed bus.

11:59And you're completely overstimulated, completely derailed and disheveled mentally before you've even got to work. And sometimes just advocating for a slightly flexible start time, 10 minutes either side. And you completely avoid the frazzledness in your head that comes with avoiding the rush hour traffic. Yeah, that's good. And also flexible start times, I reckon you could avoid small talk if you start a little earlier or start a little later. Because if everyone arrives at the same time, everyone's talking, it's annoying. But if you start earlier, you're like, oh, I can't talk, I'm busy with work.

12:35I actually got here early because I take my job seriously. That's a good extra little point. Yeah, you can have some quiet time at the coffee area, coffee machine, without having to talk about the weather with your colleague. Yeah, I agree. That's a good point. Right. Number 18. Yeah, so again, this one's for the workplace, really. And it's asking for a grace period after a meeting, because I've been in hundreds of meetings in my career, and so many times there's a problem that is put to the group, everyone in the meeting. And you always get the loud, extroverted person shouting out an answer, and so many times that's the solution that the group runs with.

13:16when a lot of the time there's such brilliance and creativity that is trapped inside anxious minds to somebody who might have all dhd sat in that meeting biting their fingernails tapping their foot under the table fidgeting with their pen unable to contribute and put their idea to the problem forward in that environment because of anxiety whereas if you put a grace period between the delivery of the problem, say half an hour, and then people can go away in an environment that they feel safe in and then submit problems to the solution in a safe way, like for example, an email or maybe a dropbox on the wall.

13:56And time and time again, if you just give that half an hour, that half an hour grace period, then you unlock the brilliance and the creativity that is so often trapped inside all dhd minds the squeakest wheel gets the most attention that's the audi hd nightmare because they're quite introvert and quiet people usually and creative and it can build resentment and a sensitivity to injustice because you'll see that idea rolled out and you know that your idea was better but you just didn't have the environment around you that enabled you to deliver it. Yeah. One thing that's worse, when you tell someone your idea and then they shout it out and they get the credit.

14:41Yeah, that's devastating. Yeah, that's terrible. But anyway, okay, that's great advice. So even like maybe, as you say, an email or a suggestion box or something like that. Yeah, an email is brilliant because again, it avoids the awkwardness of having to approach someone face-to-face. So much anxiety can be avoided if we start communicating or at least give the option to communicate electronically rather than face-to-face. Phone calls, face-to-face conversations can be an overstimulating, anxious disaster for so many people. And because of that, it's almost like this paralysis that stops the brilliance and the potential and the ambition that is trapped inside so many ADHD people from coming out.

15:21And because of that, they perhaps don't get that promotion or they don't get that recognition that they deserve. Tiny little accommodations like let's just allow people to communicate in a way that they feel comfortable with exposes their brilliance and actually gives the, it puts the, it balances the playing field and makes it a fair environment. Yeah. Fair environment where everyone can progress at their own pace. Okay. Number 17. Eat the same food every day. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's good to have a balanced diet. of course switch it up when you can and when you want to but i feel like so many people with all dhd really struggle to think about different things to eat and often therefore actually skip meals and i just feel like sometimes it's better to eat the same thing rather than not eat at all we went fernando's yesterday didn't we and i had macaroni and cheese yeah and samantha hugh said macaroni and cheese you a lot of people have that every day because it's a predictable texture, predictable sensation.

16:27And I shouldn't be ashamed of it. And I'm not. You, if you're comfortable for me to share this, you eat different food types in an order. For example, you'll eat the macaroni and cheese and then you'll eat the chips and then you'll eat the chicken. You won't blend them together. I didn't realise that was a slightly different way of eating until you said. But to me, that makes perfect sense. because you want the intensity of each one at its highest optimum level. So I don't understand choosing a bit of each all-in-one bite. Some people mix it all up, mix it all up, don't they? Like spaghetti bolognese, like a child.

17:06Spoon in, just mix it. I just don't understand that at all. It goes like a weird grey colour. I want everything. I want to know exactly what I'm tasting at any individual moment. would it stress you out if you put the macaroni cheese, the chips and the chicken on a spoon together and did everything in your mouth at the same time? I thought of it is disgusting. I think that's quite common. So imagine if you had a transparent stomach and you see all the food that you've just eaten in there. That is how I would imagine, I wouldn't eat that, if that makes sense. It all mixed up together. The idea of eating that would make me feel so sick, so I wouldn't do it on my plate either.

17:47have you always been that way yeah always been that way i don't know what it is i don't like foods mixing or running together baked beans oh baked bean like sauce running into like toast oh gosh and i think also what's helped actually is when i try and mix things up a bit rather than think about different meals i order those like at home cooking boxes that arrive in the post for example and this isn't a sponsor but hello fresh or at the moment i'm using planthood which is really good and you get like at the moment we're doing three a week and it turns up and some really simple instructions and it's it's really nutritious and you just saves that having to go to the supermarket and just thinking like what am i going to eat tonight so sometimes that's a little extra hack too that's a great one right moving on to number 16 so spend as much time with animals as possible like i have a dog um and i spend so much time with milo he's been on the podcast once before i didn't bring him today because um i've got a dodgy knee um and it's quite difficult to walk with him with a dodgy knee but i i he's i think dogs are brilliant when you're overstimulated when you're overwhelmed lying down with my dog i didn't realize how much i used my dog over the years as as a comfort person just in the non-verbal communication sometimes you know i i make big hand gestures i make funny facial expressions, funny noises, and then they communicate back in the same way non-verbally, and you pick up on that.

19:16And it's great for becoming regulated, coming down from being overstimulated, oxytocin release. It's the biggest hack, I think, that I've done to accommodate myself in stressful moments. It's really just cuddle up to my dog and really appreciate time with my little boy. Milo. Milo, yeah. Who is taking mental health day today and staying at home. Yeah. He's probably at home thinking, oh, a bit of peace and quiet. Yeah. He's got too many fluffy, squeaky toys. He's very overstimulated at the moment. Yeah. He was in once, wasn't he? He was in once. Great dog. Yeah. He will be back. He'll be back. My sincerest apologies for interrupting your hyper focus, but a quick word from our sponsor.

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20:43It's almost so simple that it feels like a cheat code to play life on easy mode. Give it a go and use the link in my bio for 30 % off. Just a note though, this code is only applicable on the web browser, not the smartphone. Back to the episode. Number 15. 15. Noise cancelling headphones. I think everyone will be familiar with the noise-canceling headphones. I've been a big wearer of Loop earplugs in the past, but there are many others. And again, not a sponsor, just a big fan. I think the story that cemented it for me and how much of an impact, like lowering your exposure to external noises, was back in 2016, I worked in a marketing agency and my job was to grow their Facebook.

21:24It was a really busy, overstimulating office. There was a ball pit. Music was playing. Everyone was chatting. This was before I knew I had ADHD. So I didn't understand why in that environment I was completely frazzled, unable to think. But then I asked if I could work downstairs where it was a lot quieter in the cafeteria. And in the next three months, I had grown their Facebook from zero to eight million followers. And I remember the difference, actually, just shielding myself from all of that background noise. The difference it made to not only my anxiety and well-being and happiness in the office, but the trajectory of the outcome of my results, it was huge.

22:01All because I had just recognized that external noise, or too much of it, made me overstimulated and actually paralyzed my ability to be creative. Don't wear noise-canceling headphones when you're in an argument with your spouse. Because it will make it worse. I remember a waitress once was wearing them, Loop, and she got all of her orders wrong. That's actually true. so they really work really well yeah right number 14 so this one is email or write down what you want me to do really clear written instructions i think and advocating and having the confidence to ask people to give you those is so important i am allergic to verbal instructions if someone tells me to do something a lot of the time it will just turn into absolute gibberish in my head and I won't remember any of it.

22:57And then I'll be like full of shame, full of embarrassment because I haven't been able to follow through on the tasks that they've asked me to do. So advocating for yourself, asking for emails or written instructions, such a simple one, but I think adds so much clarity into you actually being able to do the tasks that people are asking of you. Do you think that's because you're too busy trying to figure out eye contact rules and that, so you're not actually listening to what they say? Oh yeah, absolutely. You know, if someone's explaining the board game instructions to me or if i've pulled over and asked someone for traffic directions which i just don't do anymore because i've learned that it just doesn't go in it's almost like the masked version of me slips back on i'm suddenly thinking about am i making too much eye contact which eye am i looking at how am i coming across what's my tone of voice and i drive away from that person or i it's that it's now my turn to to play the board game my turn to roll the dice and i've no idea how to play it or i have no idea where i'm driving because that person explaining the directions to me or that person explaining how to play the board game it's just evaporated because i couldn't be paying attention number 13 ask for context so important so many people are just stuck in a absolutely catastrophic mode of anxiety when someone asks them for a quick chat tomorrow morning or their friend or their partner says can we talk later and doesn't give you any context.

24:24And you're just left there thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going to get fired. My relationship's about to end. The world is going to finish. And that's it. And you can't do anything other than essentially be stuck in waiting mode until you get some reassurance that your world isn't about to end. And it's not fair that we're having to be stuck in those periods of heightened anxiety. I mean, that can look like sleepless nights. If someone texts you on Friday saying, can we chat Monday morning? Your weekend is ruined. So asking for context, never allowing somebody to put you in that position. So if your boss emails you asking for a quick chat, like reply, yeah, okay, fantastic.

25:02Can I please just understand what we're going to be talking about? Can you send me an agenda? Really advocating for clarity and context over the future scenario that you're going to be walking into will save so much anxiety. True, yeah. I mean, it could be that they are being, overly ambiguous. So it's not your fault. It's theirs. But what if you ask them for context and your boss says, quick chat, and you say, can you just tell me what this is about? And they say, well, it's about the firing. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, bad news does happen. Bad news does happen. And I think there's no way to get out of bad news sometimes.

25:44But at least you're either going to get the bad news now, or you're going to get it on Monday morning with a horrible weekend as well. So you might as well choose to get it now and enjoy your weekend. A band-aid. Take it off fast. Yeah. Don't let anyone put you in a position where a lack of context or clarity is causing you to be unwell. We shouldn't let anyone put us in that position. We'd rather, we can take bad news and we can talk about RSD and that's another conversation, but we'd rather know the context and what's going on and deal with it rather than be stuck in this horrible, horrible black hole of uncertainty and anxiety and catastrophization over what is that meeting going to be about don't let anyone put you in that position yeah no one has the right to put you in that position number 12 a sentence we should all say to ourselves it makes sense that i feel this way and i think it's such an important reminder that so many of us should should say to ourselves, particularly when it comes to feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed or paralyzed sometimes with an inability to make a decision or the intense emotions that can come with an RSD trigger.

26:56All of these things are very relatable experiences to the Audie HD community. And there's a huge amount of shame sometimes in recognizing that that's happening to you and not understanding why and how much of a contrast that presentation and manifestation of those feelings can contradict with how a world that is calibrated to a neurotypical standard has taught you is wrong huge amounts of shame so in those moments it's really important to remind yourself like it makes sense that i feel this way it makes sense that rejection is so painful because we were criticized 20 ,000 more times than a neurotypical child in our childhood.

27:37With that context, it makes sense that a tiny criticism fills us with sadness and shame. It makes sense. And likewise, when you've got a brain that has no traffic light system, when there's a million highly caffeinated squirrels barreling around up there, pulling you in a different direction, a million ideas, a million thoughts, and sometimes no ability to order them in any kind of priority, and therefore it renders you physically paralyzed to do anything, like it makes sense that you feel this way. It makes sense that right now you can't get off the sofa and stop scrolling social media because that's the only thing that's reminding you of how horrible you feel about yourself.

28:17Like it makes sense that I feel this way. It goes a long way to pulling you out of that shame when you are stuck in these heightened emotional states. It makes sense and you're not alone in feeling that way. There are millions of us who experience those highs and those lows. And yeah, exactly. It makes sense that I feel this way. And there is a huge community of all DHD people who feel the same. Yeah. Okay, number 11. Pay the convenience fees. And what I mean by that is sometimes things are easier to do. For example, buying chopped fruit instead of buying fruit that you have to chop. buying meal boxes, like I suggested earlier, the HelloFresh things, all of these things that are going to make your life a lot easier, but perhaps come with a slightly higher price tag.

29:07And I think what I mean by pay the convenience fees is accept sometimes and give yourself the grace to not feel bad about paying a bit more extra money for the sake of convenience. Because sometimes if you force yourself to save the money and take the harder route, there will be a higher cost in other areas of your life emotionally physically perhaps a burnout huge costs that could potentially be avoided just by paying a slightly high financial cost when you decide what to spend the money on yeah so we're into the top 10 yeah this is where it starts to get very exciting indeed which number is this number 10 number 10 yeah so this one is one of the three that i said it's going to change i think have the biggest impact this is one of the main three ones this one is difficult conversations when walking but that we'll all have difficult conversations that crop up in our lives and i think it's kind of the neurotypical standard to perhaps decide to sit at a table or to go to a cafe and to sit down whereas i think it's adding movement in is so important i think it sort of activates that subconscious part of the brain that lowers anxiety if you're walking in a park or even going on a run together having difficult conversations when you're moving really decreases the stress and anxiety and really helps you focus on what's actually being said yeah it's less confrontational isn't it yes exactly yeah have proper conversation you just have the have the option to be distracted by things as opposed to staring each other down yeah it's very primitive isn't it when you're looking at someone's eyes in that way number nine have a socks and pants rack so i wash my clothes downstairs they come upstairs where i spend most of my time and they hang out to dry on this rack all my socks and pants are just hanging up dry all the time so rather than having to go downstairs into my wardrobe which is an additional thing to do i just pick them off the rack and it's just saved so much time really simple how are the state of your socks these days are they do you always wear matching socks so all of my socks are white and when i buy white socks all i buy is white socks so it's just so much easier to find a pair yeah i think these are these one is a brand and one is a different brand so i'm not wearing matching ones okay but they're both white yeah you can't see the logo Had you not said that, no one would notice.

31:31Yeah. Great. Okay. Number eight. In contradiction to what we're doing today, don't sit opposite someone if you're going to have a conversation with them. So let me flesh that out a little bit. If you're going to a social event or you're sat down with someone that you don't know very well, if you sit opposite them, you're kind of forcing this quite confrontational to some people setup. you're almost enabling the requirement for eye contact which many people struggle with so sitting on the same side of the table so you're like shoulder to shoulder just alleviates that inbuilt requirement that neurotypical standards say that we need to make eye contact when having conversations while we're on the topic do you have any good hacks as to how to become better with eye contact I'd look at the nose.

32:26I think that's quite a common one. I just look right in the middle, in between the eyes. And I think that creates the illusion from your point of view that I am looking at you in the eyes. Do you have any good ones? Yeah, just don't do it. Don't even try. Just look anywhere else. And if they have a problem with that, then they're not for you. Yeah, I've found out that cats, if you look at them in the eyes, they sense that you are a massive threat to them. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. Do you think that's the same with all DHD people? Maybe. I think it probably is linked, isn't it? Like when you eye contact with any animal is quite a sort of an aggressive act, I think.

33:07Isn't it? It's a show of dominance. Yeah. Or I certainly perceive it to be. If someone's like laser focused with eye contact, it's almost intimidating. Cats blink very slowly if they trust you. like that the slower the more they trust you so if you like someone do that like me on the sofa watching tv falling asleep in the after saying i'm watching this film and then nodding off 10 minutes later yeah i slowly close slowly blink and then i'm off and then you're off yeah all right number seven so this one is a little hack that's massively helped me like if you if you park your car in a big car park or you go to the gym and you leave your bags in a locker before you walk away trust me take a photo of the location of your car or take a photo of the locker number the amount of times i haven't done this in the past and i've come back after my workout or i've come back after my shopping trip whatever i'm doing and i can't buy my car and it is an absolute disaster taking a simple photo of the number or the location of the car park huge time saver so in your camera roll how many pictures are there of your car just a random picture of your car in car park um more more random lockers because i don't park too much um because where i do park my car is in quite a small car park but i go to the gym for four days a week and little flex not bad yeah so yeah loads and loads of pictures of of uh lockers and my camera roll yeah that's funny is that do you actually have that yeah i do really yeah yeah i'll show you if you want to show the camera if you want yeah as proof so here's my latest one 43 141 so yeah little hack to help you alleviate a load of stress and where are we now we're at number six now don't feel any shame about going to the same place if you like it the same restaurant the same cafe yeah you know if you like a place if you like the menu if you like the vibe if you like the chairs the texture of the place, the smell, what they offer food.