ADHD Expert: The 'Darts' Hack That Makes Female ADHD Easier! It's really simple.

0:00Hannah Bookbinder:What's your mission within the world of ADHD? So my story begins with my very first ADHD client who I had. I was just out of graduate school and he was in elementary school. And at the time, we didn't know that he had ADHD. And his parents came to me and they said, fix him. And I said, OK. And he didn't seem broken to me. He was this cute kid, and he was calling out in class. He was missing his deadlines. He was fighting with his parents because of homework. And we sat down together, and I said to him, you know, look, so-and-so, you know, what's your experience here? And he told me, and he said that it's very difficult for him to pay attention in class, and that he's fighting with his parents and his teacher is giving him bad grades.

0:57And as we spoke, it became very clear to me that this was not the defiant kid that he had been made out to be, that he was actually quite bright and quite capable, but he was having difficulty because of these executive functioning skills that he could not harness. So after some time of working together, We identified some strategies and tools that were going to be helpful to him. And Alex, he took off. He became successful. His grades went up. The fighting went down at home. Actually developed a nice relationship with a teacher. And to be a part of that process, to be squarely in his corner and to be supporting him and rooting him on, was quite a privilege.

1:46and I was sold. And my mission in this field is to do something similar. It's to work with the people who come into my office, whether you're a child or whether you're an adult, and help them to understand their profile and help them to understand why things are difficult for them and what they can do to kind of outsmart themselves and set themselves up for success and to remind them that everybody brings something to the table. You know, we all have positive attributes as much as we have difficulties and to remind them that they have theirs and let's capitalize on those.

2:31Hannah Bookbinder:It's an amazing mission and an amazing success story. What do you think the emotional toll is on someone who might struggle with executive dysfunction and never get the strategies that help them find their way through? It can be devastating. I mean, at its worst, you have people who are more prone to suicide, to substance and alcohol abuse. So that's the extreme end of it. But then there is also challenge that comes with having relationships because many people are constantly disappointing their spouses. You know, your husband, wife, partner says to you on your way home, don't forget to pick up X, Y, and Z for dinner.

3:18Well, you come home, but you forgot the X, Y, and Z for dinner. So now you're going to have cereal and milk for dinner. And after a while, those incidents sort of stack up because of that disappointment. They can count on the fact that you're going to disappoint them. It translates into difficulties in school. People are more prone to failing out or to having difficulty with their grades and performance. College and university age individuals frequently will drop out or take a pause and be forced to do that. And then there's also challenges that come with maintaining a job.

3:58Hannah Bookbinder:And I suppose if you do present in that behavior, it might expose you to comments like you're lazy, you're unmotivated, you're unreliable. I'm sure most of our listeners and viewers will have at some point been called lazy because of the executive function challenges that come with having a busy brain that rarely switches off. Why do you think people with ADHD are wrongly called lazy, unreliable, or unmotivated? Because I think that unless you've worked with a neurodivergent population, you don't have an appreciation for the intricacies and the nuances of this disorder. And I think that it's very easy for us as a society to slap a label on something that we don't understand.

4:39So it's not unique to the neurodivergent population that we're oversimplifying things and calling people lazy, defiant, difficult, unmotivated. Anything that we don't understand, we just sort of categorize it as what we think that it is, and then we can move on.

5:00Hannah Bookbinder:It seems to be that many people with ADHD experience an odd perception of time. And we had Dr. Ned Hallowell explain that people with ADHD, they're either in the now or they're in the not now. And this creates a really amplified version of out of sight, out of mind. Like if something isn't in your immediate proximity, you can quite literally forget that it exists. It's why I've really struggled to remember to reply to text messages sometimes. Or I joke about it, but it's why I forget to empty my washing machine. because as soon as I leave the machine or I close my phone, that task just disappears from my memory.

5:37Hannah Bookbinder:How big do you think the concept of out of sight, out of mind is within the ADHD community? I think it's huge. I mean, you're talking about the working memory. So when you have situations where parents, this is a very common challenge that we talk about in my office. Mom and dad said to me that I need to go upstairs. I need to pick up my room. brush my teeth, and bring my uniform down for the soccer game. They went upstairs. They kind of circled around, and they came back down again. Was the room clean? No. Were the teeth brushed? No. You can tell from the smell of their breath. And they obviously don't have their uniform either on or in their possession.

6:19So unless in that type of a situation, it's like in their face going off, it's very difficult for them to remember that. and it just saturates almost every part of their lives.

6:34Hannah Bookbinder:There is humor to be found in relatability. I share the washing machine story and people laugh because they think, well, I do that too and I think it makes them feel less alone. But how can out of sight, out of mind, other executive function challenges scupper the progression of people's lives in a manner of all forms? It goes back to what we were talking about earlier And it affects everything from school performance to your performance at work to your relationships. I mean, think about how many times people disappoint others in those different roles that they have and the implications that come with that.

7:14So if I'm an employee and my boss has asked me to do something and it's very important because there's this big project that's about to take place and I fall through on mine and everything was, you know, contingent upon my following through, I'm probably going to lose my job. And my boss is going to lose that opportunity to have had that project take place and then therefore get the business. the school it's difficult because I didn't you know follow through with my group and now they're going to suffer the consequences of that choice and it's really not fair because all of them they rose to the occasion and they did what they needed to do at school and in the big bad world

7:59Hannah Bookbinder:do you think people with ADHD are made to feel guilty about not being able to think in this very linear and disciplined way that many neurotypical people seem to be able to do with such ease? Yes. Because again, they don't get it. They don't understand why you're starting at A and not ending directly at B. And they are made to feel guilty, either because of their own, you know, high expectations that they have of themselves, or because the rest of the world is saying, you screwed up. You didn't follow through. What's wrong with you? It's not that difficult. All you have to do is try harder. I feel like people with ADHD can be tremendously good and effective and focused in times of real crisis, but often it's the little things that can overwhelm us.

8:53Hannah Bookbinder:Why do you think people with ADHD are easily overwhelmed by small things, things that maybe neurotypical people might be able to do without getting overwhelmed? When you're in a crisis, that dopamine is flowing, free flowing, and that dopamine helps with focus and being able to think things through and troubleshoot. I think it's fascinating because, as we know, people with ADHD have a deficit of or deficiency of dopamine and noradrenaline. So when we are in a point of crisis, we release adrenaline. And that almost takes us up to a base level where are able to focus where a neurotypical person who might have a regular level of noradrenaline already when they face a crisis and then they release further adrenaline it sends them into a panic yes but the adhd person that extra adrenaline just baselines us we're able to focus and navigate our way to the solution you've worked really closely with people with adhd going back to the guilt of feeling different not thinking in a linear way what can that do to someone's self-esteem i think that it can chip away at it you know repeatedly over and over and over again to the point where you're lacking confidence in so much of what it is that you do and it leaves you questioning the next time you need to be able to do something and it could be related to what it is that we're talking about, or it could be completely unrelated.

10:28But after a while, you start to believe, you develop this inner narrative that I'm going to go out there and I'm going to screw up. And so what's the point?

10:39Hannah Bookbinder:Do you see a lot of people with ADHD suffering in silence? Absolutely. Because I think that masking is a very big part of neurodivergence because of the shame that's involved, because they want to be able to present to the world as somebody who has it together, who can meet the standards of what it is that the world has expected them to do, what their loved ones, their teachers, their colleagues and bosses want them to do. I think it goes back to the famous, well-used swan analogy, the people with ADHD, they're so good at masking, people see the brilliance and the beauty of the swan on the lake, but they don't see the legs frantically flapping underneath the surface, desperately keeping them above water.

11:23Hannah Bookbinder:A quick word from our sponsor. We've all had that nightmare. You're on that final warning from that friend. If you miss their birthday again, your friendship is over. Finito. And you do miss it. Even worse, you miss their wedding, and you were giving the speech. The speech you forgot to write. I can change. You plead with them, and they say, no, you can't. Well, actually, you can. How? Timo app. That's how. Timo app has organized me in a way that's made me unrecognizable to my nearest and dearest. What ADHD? Timo's ultimate planning partner checking in on you to see what you need help with and what chores you need to accomplish day to day.

12:00Hannah Bookbinder:The important difference is Timo is designed by neurodivergent brains for neurodivergent brains. And you can tell. It's built to adapt to your neurodivergent way of thinking and be flexible to your way of planning. And now it's even more simple with the AI Planning Assistant. Timo offers an incredible new voice transcribing service, making it even easier to use. It's almost so simple that it feels like a cheat code to play life on easy mode. Give it a go and use the link in my bio for 30 % off. Just a note though, this code is only applicable on the web browser, not on the smartphone. Back to the show.

12:33Hannah Bookbinder:People with ADHD are often misunderstood by those closest to them, which is really heartbreaking. what do you think that does to people's self-worth so Alex I have this metaphor that somebody close to me gave to me at one point and it's the target so within the target you at the center of it you have the bullseye and then you have the rings that come out from there and in the bullseye are where the nearest and dearest people are located in your life and those are the people who are supposed to be your people, your people who understand you, who support you, who love you no matter what. And when the people in your bullseye don't understand you and don't appreciate who you are and judge you as a result of what they perceive you to be, and in this case, it's ADHD, but they don't understand the nuances that come with ADHD, that's devastating.

13:34You know, how are you supposed to explain to your nearest and dearest who are supposed to get you that I am not what you think that I am? This is who I am. It's a part of who I am. It's like somebody who, for example, is asthmatic. Would you judge somebody because they couldn't breathe well on their own and they need to have a nebulizer or an inhaler? No. It's just a part of who they are. And ADHD is just the same. You know, this is what is a part of the fabric of who they are. We all have something that's the fabric of who we are. And so let's figure this out together. And when the family doesn't understand that, you know, I have families who come in and they say, well, he can sit there for five hours and play video games.

14:21You know, well, of course he can. The dopamine, you know, firing is taking place on a regular basis. But it's different. It's a different type of mental energy and power that you need to sit down for the same five hours to write a research project or to create the pitch that you're going to give to your boss. It's just not as intriguing. So I think that we really have to work with our families and the people who are in that bullseye area to better understand the individual so they can better support them. and that's part of why I wrote my book was to help parents and the coaches and the teachers who work with these kids on a regular basis to understand what it's like to walk a mile in their footsteps.

15:11Hannah Bookbinder:And people with ADHD as well, particularly women, can be misunderstood by their doctors. Yes. How many people were misdiagnosed with an anxiety disorder before there was any conversation that actually ADHD might be the underlying issue here. But do you think ADHD can manifest itself as anxiety or depression? Yes, I think that it can. I think that, you know, the diagnoses of depression and anxiety are very common comorbid diagnoses, either as primary diagnoses or as secondary to the diagnosis of ADHD. I mean, if you think about it, all the things that we're talking about today, it's understandable why people who are neurodivergent would experience depression and anxiety.

16:01Hannah Bookbinder:And overwhelm is a huge topic. How do you think overwhelm can present itself in someone silently? Perhaps no one else sees it, but it's an internal battle that they're contending with. And also, how can it present itself outwardly that might impact those near them? So if you're presenting an internal representation of overwhelm, then you will see people who have completely withdrawn themselves. They have isolated themselves from their loved ones, from their teachers, from co-workers. There's a lot of inner dialogue that obviously we're not privy to. With shame, you're screwing up again. And why can't you get it together?

16:45and then externally people might present as being very aggressive. They lash out. You're noticing that they might be turning in their assignments late. They're not meeting deadlines of other kinds. They're seemingly disorganized. Everything is scattered about.

17:04Hannah Bookbinder:It's huge, isn't it? I've always said it's like those highly caffeinated squirrels in your head, each one pulling you in a different direction, a different idea, but no one sees them. No one sees that internal battle that you're contending with. And it's no surprise then that some days you're completely overwhelmed to the point that you can't move. The physical paralysis kicks in. You're rendered unable to move, can't do anything other than scroll social media. And then, of course, that exposes you to the comments we said earlier. Like, why are you so lazy? Why can't you just start the task? That's a terrible cycle.

17:40Which is heartbreaking. Yes.

17:41Hannah Bookbinder:How can we hack our dopamine system to get boring jobs done, to get over that overwhelm? One of my favorite things to do after working with a client to help them to develop a sense of awareness is to use that sense of awareness to kind of gamify things. So maybe you do something like play Beat the Clock. If you think that it's going to take you about 10 minutes to do said project or assignment or task, then set your timer for 10 minutes and see if you can beat the clock. The other piece that you can do to play with time is to guesstimate how long it's going to take you. So I think that it's going to take me, you're talking about laundry, It's going to take me 30 minutes to fold these four loads of laundry that I have to do.

18:38And I'm not going to play beat the clock, but I'm just going to do it so that maybe the next time I have four loads of laundry that I have to fold, I'm going to beat that time. And I'm also going to see if I was correct in my estimation. So not only in that situation are you kind of gamifying the project, but you're also helping yourself to develop a sense of time. the other ways that you can sort of have tasks become a little bit easier is to kind of position the things that you need so for example if you need to feed your dog then if you had a place in a drawer where you could put the the kibble and anything else that you need for the the dog and you put the bowl on top of it, when it's time to feed the dog, you've already kind of outsmarted yourself and supported yourself by making everything located in one spot.

19:35So all you have to do is open the drawer, pour the kibble, and Fifi can have her lunch.

19:41Hannah Bookbinder:Hannah, I want to move on to my favorite part of the show, which is called the ADHD item section. Every guest brings in an item that represents ADHD, and yours has been patiently waiting underneath this cloth. Wonderful. I'm going to reveal it now. Yes. There we go. I mean, what is that? And why does it represent ADHD? This is a shape sorter. And very often when I'm talking with either my clients or the parents, if my client is a child, I talk with them about how we are constantly trying to take this kid and shove him or her in a spot that is not right for them. We're taking the wrong shape peg and putting in the wrong shape hole.

20:30And so a shape sorter is sort of representative of that struggle and that difficulty. And when my clients come to me and When they get the understanding of who they are and we develop and take these strategies and skills that empower them, they can take the onus of figuring out their shape and finding the correct hole that they need to go into. And by doing that, the inside of this shape sorter is representative of the community of their people, where they belong together and they understand and appreciate and can celebrate their talents and their gifts and to support each other with the areas where they need to have the support.

21:24Hannah Bookbinder:Amazing representation. I feel like too many people with ADHD are squares and they try to make themselves a circle. Yes. And of course, I guess the consequence is a battered self-esteem. Absolutely. Low self-awareness. Finding your tribe is huge, right? Finding community, recognizing that for all of these years, you have been a circle. And the masking has been such a bad use of energy because it's so exhausting pretending to be someone that you're not. Completely. And that's not to say either, by the way, Alex, that just because you find that microcosm that you fit into doesn't mean that you can't broaden your horizons and go into other areas.

22:06But as long as you have that group, that bullseye of people that we were talking about to support you and understand you, and that serves as your foundation, then you're going to be golden.

22:18Hannah Bookbinder:I want to move on, Hannah, to audience questions. Yes. And it's in a washing machine. And the section's called Washing Machine of Woes because the audience writes in their woes, ADHD woes. And it's a washing machine because my ADHD item is a washing machine because it represents memory loss for me. Because I always leave my clothes in the machine after the cycle's finished. And I do ask everyone, do you relate to that? I do relate to that because I can get very busy. And so sometimes what I do is I will, our washing machine and dryer are downstairs in the basement in our laundry room. So I will either leave the light on to the basement or maybe I'll put the laundry basket outside the door to trigger that memory so I can understand.

22:58Hannah Bookbinder:I've been using the Teemo app, which has helped me remember, and I'm getting better. Do you have any tips, tricks that help you with working memory? I have my app, yes. My Toad app helps to remember things that need to be done with some of the tools that are in there. and I think that also you know having a list that I can refer to is something that's really helpful to sort of keep me on target brilliant this week Hannah someone has written in anonymously and asked I get RSD flare-ups that's rejection sensitive dysphoria with the most slight thing like I asked my boss for a meeting the other day and he replied fine with a full stop at the end and I'm sure now he will fire me.

23:47Hannah Bookbinder:Why is RSD so strong and do other people experience it physically like I do? RSD is, as William Dodson has pointed out, it's the neurological, it's a neurological emotional component of ADHD. So it's very tied to the ADHD diagnosis and I think that unfortunately because people are told so often that they are screwing up, that they're failing, that they're disappointing X, Y, and Z people, that there's a sensitivity that develops as a result of that. And that physical experience of the RSD is a very common feature that comes with it for people who are neurodivergent. So it's very real. It's not to be considered, you know, some people, again, if you want to talk about labeling or labeled as being too sensitive and they should just get over it.

24:51It's not a big deal, but it is a big deal. And I think that part of helping people who struggle with the aspect of RSD is to support them in that and to process these incidents.

25:02Hannah Bookbinder:yeah rsd is brutal isn't it i think it's it is the hardest part of living with adhd i think it's like a constant state of feeling like you're going to let someone down yes and it's very predictable because you can know which instances it's going to show up but it's often masked because people don't want to show the public that they are feeling as overwhelmed and hurt and disappointed it as they feel. So, you know, a lot of times people don't understand, they don't even recognize that an individual is experiencing this. Hannah, this has been truly fascinating. I want to finally deliver you a letter that was written by the previous guest to their younger self.

25:45That sounds wonderful. I'd be happy to do that. To my younger self. Hello, darling. Lots and lots of love. I am so sorry things feel so tough. This too shall pass. Now is not forever. Keep seeing the world with joy and enthusiasm. There is so much good everywhere, however much it may seem otherwise. Keep finding the light. Keep moving forwards. All my love, you.

26:11Hannah Bookbinder:Really nice. That's lovely. What a lovely note to end on. Yes. Really appreciate you making the trip, Hannah. My pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you.