Founder of World’s No.1 ADHD Coaching company: The real reason ADHD women are still struggling

23:46What did you do to make that happen? How did you do that? You know, what did you do differently? And so now people are starting to focus on what's focusing on, on, on what's right and what not what's wrong. And, and by writing it down, and this is key because it sounds so juvenile in a way, but you have to, you have it there right in front of you when, not if you forget, because you will forget, you're going to forget like in an hour.

24:10Shanna Pearson:Really useful. And I think like, it's okay to move the definition of what a successful thing is, like depending on your mood. that day. That's exactly right. Like getting out of bed can feel easy on some days, but if stuff's going on in your life, then that can completely change how much energy you've got. Yeah. You really don't want to get out of bed. If you're like going to work and you're, you've got to reply to five emails, it's easy to say, well, okay, replying to five emails is successful, but some days just turning on your laptop is the task. Just sitting down and like trying to focus on anything is, it feels impossible some days.

24:45So yeah.

24:46Shanna Pearson:Forgetting your successes. Like, I feel like success amnesia, that's quite a niche characteristic, certainly from my experience and speaking to many people with ADHD that a doctor wouldn't tell you about, right? They have no idea. They don't understand this. So, you know, we have a lot of, this is interesting. I thought this was interesting. We ended up having quite a few doctors who are clients of ours because, like, they started off as, like, referral partners. they send us people and then, but then they get feedback and it's, and then they realize that they don't, they understand it logically.

25:19They know how the brain works. They know how, you know, they know about everything about ADHD, but they don't realize how it affects them themselves because there's doctors who have ADHD. So working with doctors is amazing because they know everything. Talk about the client that knows everything. They have all the answers, but yet But they still feel there's still a lot of pain in their life.

25:41Shanna Pearson:If there is a doctor listening, what other niche characteristics of ADHD do you think there are that perhaps aren't in the minds of many doctors? I think a lot of doctors don't realize how hard we are on ourselves. Unless it's a doctor with ADHD and then they very well know how hard we are on ourselves because they are incredibly hard on themselves. and just trying to do it all, whatever all is, and having a very hard time of it because there's so many things to do, especially these days. We're not in the day where we had to go and plow the fields. And it was like one thing that we had to do and you're plowing a field, but you're doing the same thing and it's kind of lovely in a way.

26:23And that is not our world right now. And there's just so many different things to do. And if you can't compartmentalize easily, how on earth are you able to follow through on any of these things if it's all jumbled up in one big mush like how so the fact that we do on some level it's amazing it's like it's incredible and then you know and there's so much more you can do obviously than that but then even just getting from point a to point b is fabulous and to be able to do it in different areas of your life because so many of us and i think this is also something a lot of medical professionals don't quite understand.

26:59A lot of us are quite good at certain things in certain areas of our life. It's not like people with ADHD are living in a hole somewhere. We're quite awesome in certain things, but it seems like almost all of us are really challenged in other areas, especially challenged. If you're doing incredibly well at your work and you're so successful in whatever that means to you and what the world has framed it as, your relationships might be like down the drain. And because it's really hard to focus on all of these different areas, you're like hyper focused on one thing.

27:39Shanna Pearson:I guess you have to understand how, what tips work for you to potentially turn your ADHD, your struggles into a superpower. I'm so aware that I really struggle with memory. And I know that's quite a common one, but I take advantage of my brain when it's that is optimal, which is in the evening. And I plan my day, my next day. I think, what are five tasks I need to do tomorrow? And then I write each one on like a rubber bracelet. And then when I wake up in the morning, I put the five bracelets on. And as I go through my day and complete the task, I take off that corresponding bracelet. And if I take off all five, then I reward myself.

28:11Shanna Pearson:I buy something off my Amazon wishlist, for example. It's a little hack that I've realized through age and awareness and experience, that is how I turn that struggle. Or I manage that struggle. Do you have any? I love that you're kinesthetic like that. I love that you have a physical, like it's physical for you and you actually take off the band and, you know, instead of just crossing it off a list. Well, it's almost like gamifying it as well. It's for sure it is. Do you have any other tips of how somebody might be able to turn their struggles into a superpower? A quick word from our sponsor with a riddle.

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29:20Shanna Pearson:A simple voice prompt when you have to plan something or a task pops into your mind and the new AI planning assistant hears it and smoothly transcribes it into an easily digestible list of instructions to guide you through. Give it a go and use the link in my bio for 30 % off. Just a note though, this code is only applicable on the web browser, not the smartphone. Back to the episode. Do you have any other tips of how somebody might be able to turn their struggles into a superpower so i want to just reframe it i i i feel like a lot of our struggles are struggles and i don't personally i don't love the word superpower and i'll tell you why i have like a thing about it and a version because i think about i don't know when it became like a big thing that adhd is a superpower i don't think it is a superpower i think it's really really hard to have ADHD.

30:16And sometimes when we tell people, you know, let's turn this into a superpower or you have ADHD, like, do you realize that that's actually a superpower? And they feel like they feel horrible about themselves and they, and they can't get out of bed on time and they can't do anything right. According to whatever right is for them and other people, it feels even worse because now I have the superpower and I'm failing at that too, you know? So I always like, I always like want people to know that A.D. She is, it's actually quite hard to live with on so many levels. And, and the challenges, the challenges that we have, we can turn them around so that we're not challenged by them anymore, period.

31:02And they just become like, they kind of evaporate from this heavy challenge into just like, this is just, you know, this is now I know what to do. And now I know how to, how to do this versus thinking of it as like turning it into a superpower because there is no, there is no, I think our, our, you know, something we're amazing at is hyper-focusing. That's, that's great, but it can also keep us away from other things that we want to be doing or need to be doing also. So it's about balancing. That's, that's the goal.

31:31Shanna Pearson:I feel like one of those challenges or key challenges is like just feeling misunderstood because of those differences, perhaps. The way you go about the world is just slightly different to what you've been taught is quote unquote normal. Like, for example, we mentioned earlier that overwhelm sometimes, you know, there's highly caffeinated squirrels all in your head, barreling around different thoughts, pulling you in a different direction, and you physically can't move sometimes because of that overwhelm. You're paralyzed. And that can look like laziness to those close to you. But that's an example.

31:59Shanna Pearson:How can ADHD be misunderstood generally to those close to you? I think that, I think you just hit it on the head when, when you're paralyzed in overwhelm, you can literally be like this, like, and you have like a thousand things to do. And you're just sitting there like trying to figure out what on earth you're going to do first and how you're going to do it. And this is sort of how it feels in your brain where you're just like bracing and everything sort of feel, you know what, do you like amusement parks? Yeah, for sure. Rollercoasters. Okay. So I love rollercoasters too. and you know how it's like really scary when you're going up the hill like we talk about going down but it's like when you're going up i always think the metal cable is going to snap yeah like who's holding this and why do we trust those people destination the whole like engineering of this ride but you're going up the hill and it's like click click click click click and you know you're getting to the top and and that feeling in your stomach and i feel like that's we live with that 24-7 where it's just like slowly, slowly, slowly, and it's building and building and building, and you're about to let go and fall off of something, but you don't even know what that is.

33:13And you're constantly bracing for that. And that is very stressful. And it's hard. And a lot of our clients, you're on the verge of tears. You're on the verge of tears all the time. And that's something that a lot of people misunderstand because this is not laziness. Like you're not feeling lazy when you're going up that roller coaster. You're not, you're just like, you're bracing. And that experience is, is such a big part of us that a lot of people can't even express. And so now you're bracing for something and you're really like trying to figure out these like 13 ,000 things that you need to do.

33:55And three of them have to be done incredibly well. and then somebody comes in and asks you, hey, did you take out the trash? You know, your partner or your roommate or whoever. And you're like, what? And then you'll snap at them. How can you ask me that? I'm sitting in my chair. And it's like, that's a misunderstanding because they're just like, now they've been yelled at for asking you to take out the trash. They have no idea that you're sitting there freaking out about, you know, all of the stuff that's in your mind. So I think, obviously, communication. helps people understand what's going on if they if they know like how it is they would assume that

34:35Shanna Pearson:like if you're not doing anything that you're enjoying yourself like they must think you're not doing anything you must be having a great time yeah you're browsing on amazon the chaos is in our head right someone described it as i think you know if you're a school and you sort of rock back on your chair you swing back on two legs and that moment where you swing back slightly too far it feels like you're going to topple over yeah that moment the way you're the anxiety of feeling like you're going to go flying back. Exactly. That feeling in that moment, that's constantly how we feel. That's it. I like the rollercoaster analogy.

35:03Shanna Pearson:It's like a constant state of anxiety, worry that you're going to let someone down. And then that like, holy crap moment. Yes. But they don't see that, right? That's the misunderstanding. They don't see it. They don't understand it. It's invisible. They just see a still person scrolling social media. Yeah. And shopping, you know, or watching or just watching nonstop, like, you know, show after show after show, because you're just trying to distract your mind enough that you can feel a little bit more grounded and a little bit more calm and take you out of that non-stop spin of what I would call like true chaos, internal chaos, and it has nowhere to go because again, we can't compartmentalize.

35:45So it's such a, that's why I feel it. So my book is called Invisible ADHD because because there's so many reasons why it's called invisible ADHD, but our biggest, most painful symptoms are completely invisible. It's not about, you know, my house is a mess, my car is a mess, and I'm always late. It's not that. I mean, that's a big thing, and it leads to other things, but that's not the pain. That's not, nobody that I've ever spoken to wants to be known as well organized. At my funeral, I want people to stand up there and talk about how organized I was and how on time I was. That's not really a goal for any of us.

36:27We just want to feel good. We want to be happy. We want to be able to love people the way we want to love them and appreciate them rather than being always in our head.

36:38Shanna Pearson:ADHD women, why do you think they get missed? Why do you think so many were diagnosed late? I think that we were back in the day when I was in school way long ago, the horse and the buggies. I mean, at that time, honestly, it was a boys thing. And the boys who have ADHD in general, and I want to stress in general, because there's plenty of boys that don't do this. But in general, the majority of boys are very external in their hyperactivity. So they're more disturbing. Like they're disruptive in class. They're running around. They can't sit still. They're like pulling on girls' hair. They're being annoying to other people.

37:20And so the teachers, it's like the squeaky wheel. You know, that kid is going to get a lot of attention and is going to get noticed. And the teachers are going to be, you know, calling the parents and the parents are going to be taking the kid to the pediatrician. Like, what is wrong with my kid? That kid just can't sit still. The girls, girls in general, because plenty of girls are not like this, but most of them are, are internal. And their hyperactivity is like, it's kind of like what we were describing now, but we have it. I mean, a lot of men have it later in life that their external goes internal, but girls have always been the internal hyperactivity.

37:58And they are literally sitting there silently, silently, not disturbing anyone, just in their minds, completely in their mind, whether they're trying to please their teacher or trying to get something right, and they don't even know what they're trying to get right, or just like getting lost in a daydream because it's a beautiful daydream. And it's definitely more interesting than what's happening in class right now in front of them. Or, you know, just, you know, just, just inside and you're not disruptive. And your teachers love you because you don't say anything because you're like, you don't even know what's going on.

38:32So you're very, you're an easy, you're an easy student. And so we got missed because we tended to be very quiet in general.

38:41Shanna Pearson:In your book, you speak about smart yet scattered women. Do you meet a lot of these women? What does that sort of brain look like? What frustrations can come with being smart yet scattered? When you have a nonstop brain and it's just going at like 100 miles an hour and there's like, you see every possibility open all at the same time. So there's no time and place for each possibility. It's all there right now. And which is why we get scattered because like you're going there and then you're going there and you want to go there and you want to go there and you want to go there right now, like and yesterday, right?

39:21And maybe also next week, because that would be great. But it's just, that's, and because we're intelligent people in general, like most of us are, all of these possibilities keep getting bigger and there's more possibilities. And we're thinking of more ideas and more different ways of doing the same things. And well, that's interesting. And we're very curious because we see everything and we're open to everything and it's all interesting and we're attracted to what's interesting. We're like magnets towards that because we need the stimulus. And so it's almost impossible not to be scattered when you're interested in seeing and engaged in so many different things at the same time.

40:01It's how could you not be scattered? Of course we're scattered. You know, maybe that's like, maybe that's fine. Maybe it's totally fine to be like so alive and invested and like really like, like just locked into so many different things. It's beautiful. Think of what everyone else is missing. Right. And then also it makes life very hard because, well, can't you, why can't you just, you know, pick one thing or why can't you just like, just like follow through on that? And so that's a learning. And if there's one thing I know a thousand percent for sure, it's that all of this is actually manageable a hundred percent because like, even if I thought, okay, well, you know, it worked for me, but I don't know if it's going to work for other people.

40:48Like now I can firmly say that all of like our challenges, we can learn how to manage them. We're not damaged. This is all learnable in the same way that you teach a kid how to dance or how to ride a bike. We're not born knowing how to do certain things. And some people are born with the ability to compartmentalize and we are not. And so we learn how to, and that's it. And that's it. It's not a horrible life sentence. You can just learn how to do things differently.

41:22Shanna Pearson:I've spoken to a ton of ADHD women on this podcast, and they speak of their differences and the experiences that those differences have created in their past, maybe in romantic relationships like RSD, how they behave when they're triggered. The feedback they give me is that they feel unlovable, which is obviously heartbreaking. Do you think generally do ADHD women have an internal feeling of being unlovable? I think that not necessarily as being unlovable. The people, the women especially, that I've spoken to who we work with that feel unlovable are the ones that have had the hardest times in relationships.

42:07But even, so I want to bring this back to remind me that I said this, even they realize that they are lovable. because if we went back to that guest or those guests that you've had and they're talking about how unlovable they are, I would immediately ask them, who has ever loved you? Who has ever loved you at any moment? And then I would want them to write down those people. And maybe it's only one person. Maybe it's their grandparent. Maybe it's a bunch of people. Maybe they realize that it's certain people in their family and maybe they'll realize that they had two relationships where this person was madly in love with them, even if it was for two days, because a lot of us have a lot of different relationships and it's a little bit, that in itself is a little bit challenging.

42:58But even if they just realized that this person or they had this relationship and this person did love them. So tell me, how did that love feel for you when your grandmother and that boyfriend or girlfriend or sibling or best friend or whoever it was, and you realize the people in your life that have loved you.

43:20Shanna Pearson:It's hard though. You're factually lovable, even if nobody loves you right now. Or you feel nobody loves you right now, even though I promise you somebody does. What if that kind of irrational internal critic thinks that they loved a version of you that wasn't your true self? A lot of us put on a persona at the start of a relationship we mask that's not unusual right um and we can convince ourselves that they loved that version then when we unmasked in the relationship they loved the version that you were giving them which doesn't make you unlovable that just makes you a really good um person to portray a certain aspect of your personality that you wanted to portray at that time that's still a part of you even though it's not like your soul and they loved that version of you that you chose that you yourself brilliantly designed to portray.

44:10And that was you who did that. That was your creation.

44:14Shanna Pearson:So that's still you. What facts can we write down that can remind ourselves of that? Because I feel like a lot of people, they might put a version of themselves forward into the world and whether that's intentional or not, it can be very different to how they truly feel underneath. And they can convince themselves that the person didn't love the real version of them. They loved the masked version of them? Like what facts go back to your advice earlier? What facts can we write down to reassure us of the fact that how did I create that version of myself? First of all, who was that? Tell me who that version was and write that down.

44:47How did I create it? Because I created it. You created it. They created it. This isn't something somebody said, here's a script. This is who you're going to be, Alex. In this relationship, I want you to be this person. This is something that you came up with. It's you, which is beautiful. And somebody fell in love with that part of you. And you don't think it's your true self or your true soul, but it's still something that you created from your true self and from your true soul. It's still you, right? So you just, I write down everything and I write it down in places like, in ways that I can see it.

45:20So I would write it in big letters. You know, I created this, they loved that. You know, who am I really? well you could tell me that you're if it's if like the masked part of you and the part that you don't want people to see right and so which part of you is that part of you and you know you I would want you to embrace that part of you so that you could then be you know you don't know if that part of you is lovable or not because you've probably never let anyone see it so therefore you have zero fact that you're unlovable for those per like that part of your personality because nobody knows that part of you.

45:57If I always kept my elbow covered, nobody can say what a great elbow, right? Nobody can say, Alex, you are awesome in this and this and this way if you've never let anyone see that part of you. But the parts that you have created and the parts that are out in the world, people love. So, so far, you could just look at that and notice that the parts of you that you do put out there have been lovable. They have been. and quite possibly the other parts that you would like to put out there in the future, and maybe you will, and I hope you do, those parts will be lovable to someone as well.

46:34Shanna Pearson:They have to learn to love all of you, right? Even when you get triggered by RSD, whether they know it or not, and you go inward perhaps with shame, or maybe you fill up with rage, but you internalize it. They have to love you as a whole, right? You know what? I don't know because I'm married. Okay. And I definitely know that my husband does not love my whole, like every single part of me. Like there's no way he would, he's not that crazy. So, but you know, there's, there's certain, I mean, obviously he loves me, right? There's no question, but he does not love a hundred percent of me. And I am, Oh, like, I'm so okay with that because he would be nuts.

47:21I wouldn't even, I don't even think it would be attractive for him to love certain parts of me because those are not the most lovable parts of me. And so like, why would he love it? Um, and so I'm, I'm fine owning that. And I'm also fine trying to do better with the unlovable parts of me that really piss people off or just annoy people like crazy. Yeah. It doesn't mean you're unlovable though. You can still be loved even with those, I would call them personality quirks. I think when someone loves you in spite of your personality quirks that are the difficult parts to get along with, that's love.

48:01And they don't have to love the most difficult parts of you. They just have to love you. Does that make sense?

48:07Shanna Pearson:It does. Yeah. I feel like RSD, rejection sensitive dysphoria, is one of those quirks, right? That needs managing and can cause a thorn in the relationship. Totally. It's a huge deal. And I think that's something that you have to talk to anybody you're in a relationship with about like, this is what happens to me. This is what happens to me. Like you experience RSD, right? So you would tell people, like you would tell your partner, this is what happens to me. I don't love it. I wish it didn't happen because it feels horrible. Like I want to go into a hole and never come out again. And this is not something that I embrace with all my heart.

48:48I would love for this to change because I don't know anyone with RSD who wants to, who like loves that. It's, it's, it's heartbreaking. And anybody who loves you, um, will understand it even if they don't love that part. Does that make sense?

49:06Shanna Pearson:Totally. Yeah. I mean, so when you separate yourself, they'll be like, okay, that's Alex doing that. And this is what I need to do when that happens. How would you describe the feeling of RSD? Like how does it show up in your people you coach? And for myself personally, where everything is just like, there's no way, if you think about it, like we're very porous. So we feel everything. And where some people can be more like a glass, right? Where things just kind of like bounce off of it. But if we feel everything and something happens, like, oh my my gosh, like when you, when you looked at me like that, it looked like you hated me.

49:46When you say things like that, like it startles me. And I think for a lot of our clients, that's what, that's what it is. It's like these little movements, like what you were describing earlier, these little suggestions and, and, and facial expressions are like mirrored to us. and I think a lot of it is, you know, showing us how we feel ourselves and asking like, why am I, you know, just, just taking everything to mean the worst possible thing. That's what it feels like because we grew up thinking something is very wrong with us or something. Why can't we fit in? And why does nobody like me? And why do I not, why am I not connected to everyone the way all of these other kids are connected to each other, especially girls, because girls are like, they always like stick in groups.

50:37And I was never in a group ever. And like, so you're always thinking there's something wrong with you. And then people show you that with a facial expression or a word, you can just ask yourself. It's like, one of the things you can do is, is asking like what meaning you're putting on it. Like, what do, what do I think she meant by that? Or what do I think he meant by that? Or what did they, you know what was that about and you could just ask the person i've gotten really annoyingly good and asking like did you mean anything by that and usually it's like what are you talking about no i didn't mean what do you mean i don't even realize i did that it can be the perceived right

51:18Shanna Pearson:like the criticisms and rejections like you could find out about a social event and and you could question someone who's going and they said yeah this this party's happening you can come if you like. And that can really set you up. What do you mean if you like? Don't you want me there? It can make you feel like your presence at that party is going to be a nuisance to them because they haven't explicitly invited you. You almost, in the absence of positivity, you assumed the worst. Yeah, you assumed the worst. Do you think this thought pattern is more common in women than men? Honestly, I don't think it's more common in women than in men.

51:51I think plenty of men, plenty of men experience this plenty of men um most men have become professionals at masking that part of of them because they can't look vulnerable and they don't want to look like defeated or sad or or you know express like well that made me feel bad like well you don't talk about your feelings you know but so many men experience this and it's really hard, I think, especially for men, because I feel like they have, it's less acceptable still, which is sad for them to be, for a man to be like, well, why did you say it like that? You know, this is how it made me feel. Like, that's just like not very manly, you know, but you absolutely can.

52:40You can say it in your own way. Like, oh, so you don't really care if I come or not? No, what do you mean? I just didn't want you to feel pressured that you have to come. I would love for you to come like you can just turn the whole thing around you know when you're if it's like the party yeah or whatever but don't like i think just as many men experience this as women

52:59Shanna Pearson:honestly adhd women i often hear they get misdiagnosed with anxiety depression before an adhd diagnosis why do you think that is i think because a lot of doctors don't have a ton of information on ADHD and what that looks like. Even the ADHD diagnostic criteria is very executive function-based, and it doesn't really touch on the emotional side. So for women who tend to experience ADHD much more on the emotional side, we're going to be answering these assessments like that the doctors give us. Usually, if you tell your doctor you're feeling down or your life isn't working and why can't I just, they're going to give you assessments for anxiety and depression.

53:44And then if you look at the assessments they give you, so in America, I think it's probably the exact same here. This is what they'll give you. They'll give you a clipboard.

53:52Shanna Pearson:Right. And it's going to have the depression self-assessment scale. This is actually what it is. Okay. So now you're a woman with ADHD and it's like little interest in doing things. Now imagine if you're stuck in school or in a job and you're like, it's so boring and you can't focus. Like you're going to be like several days, more than half the days. Feeling down. Trouble falling asleep. Trouble staying asleep. Poor appetite or overeating. Like these are like, I feel like people with ADHD have one or the other. We're not really balanced in the food area. Feeling bad about yourself. Trouble concentrating on things.

54:36These are being fidgety or restless. these are like, there's, there's nine questions on the self-assessment and eight of them are all ADHD symptoms. So you're going to fall under, you're going to, you're going to be diagnosed by your doctor with, with depression. And you very well might be put on an antidepressant because that's what happens to about 80 % of the women that we coach were initially misdiagnosed with depression. And the anxiety questionnaire is the exact same thing, except that it's literally, there's seven, it's a GAD seven. This is what they give you at the doctor's office. You know, trouble relaxing, worrying too much, feeling nervous, being restless, being annoyed.

55:18Like when you like, you know, feeling afraid. These are all things that people, especially women with ADHD experience regularly. And so we are almost always misdiagnosed initially unless you're seeing a doctor that knows ADHD fee, in which case they will then look a little bit deeper. But if they don't, it's going to come out like you're going to show that you have depression and that you have anxiety.

55:46Shanna Pearson:Anger. Do you see a lot of anger when women finally realized that they were misdiagnosed? I don't know if anger, some women are pissed. Well, rightly so. They were taking antidepressants for years and it doesn't work. And God knows how many women that happens to who don't then go seek a different diagnosis, right? Because if you have ADHD and you're misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, and then you're put on medication, it's not going to work in the same way that if you're put on medication to also help your ADHD. And so now your life is still not working. You still feel bad about yourself.

56:25You're not able to follow through on things and you're not, you know, and you're on medication and that can make people even more depressed because now even that's not working, but you think it should be working. So anger, frustration, like so much frustration, like what is wrong with people that they can't see what this really is. But on the flip side, there's a lot of women who are finally properly diagnosed with ADHD and that's when like the light bulb hits and they're like, oh my God, that is totally me. you know and they're and they're really happy and relieved about that because now they actually

57:02Shanna Pearson:have an answer do you see significant changes to a woman's life after an adhd diagnosis uh not right after an adhd diagnosis i see it in their mood because it's kind of like the it's like the veil is lifted you know so they don't feel now they understand themselves a little bit Whereas before, even if nobody else in the world understands you, when you don't understand you, it's really, really difficult. It's awful. But now if you've been diagnosed with ADHD and still nobody understands you, but you now understand you, that's a game changer. That's a game changer. Because now it's like, okay, this is why I am the way I am.

57:46This is why I do what I do. And you're at a point now where you're at choice. It's like, well, okay, is there anything I can do about this? Because obviously there is, but now it's up to you rather than everything being like lost and not knowing what to do.

58:00Shanna Pearson:And if a woman's listening, maybe they've just had a diagnosis and they've come to this podcast to find reassurance, what closing words of wisdom would you give to a late diagnosed ADHD woman? Oh my gosh. The best thing you can know if you have ADHD is that your symptoms and all of the things that are difficult for you, they are manageable and you can absolutely do things in a way that work much better and much more easily for your brain. And I promise you, and if this can work for all of our clients who swore that nothing works for them and that they are beyond help and beyond hope, I promise you this will work.

58:41Like not this, like anything, but it's manageable. I know that for a fact. And so you're good. You're good. You just have to take the steps and you have to learn what you need to do in a way, you know, to do things in a way that actually works with how you think and with how you do things.

58:56Shanna Pearson:Amazing. I feel like that was like 22 ,000 ADHD clients condensed into a paragraph. Yeah. That was incredible. It's unbelievable. It's amazing. My favorite part of the show, just penultimately, I want to reveal your ADHD item. Okay. I always ask my guests to bring in an item that represents ADHD, and yours has been patiently waiting underneath this cloth. I'm going to reveal it now.

59:23Shanna Pearson:A sponge. In fact, there's two sponges. One just went flying. Here's the second one. All right. Awesome. There we go. What does a sponge represent ADHD? We should also have like a bucket of water. But the thing about, and you were talking a lot about RSD, and what I want people to understand about who we are, as ADA shares is we are incredibly porous. We absorb everything. We absorb all of the stimulus. We absorb all of the information and we absorb all of the emotion, all of the emotion. And if, if this were like emotion, like you're talking about, like when, when we, we pick up on everything, right?

1:00:02So if, if there's like a whole bunch of like external stuff over here from other people and you put the sponge in it, it's going to soak it all up. And it has nowhere to go except for in this big sponge. And so like when you like squeeze it out, it's all coming out all at the same time. It's not like we have places. It's like, this is like my work area and this is my home and this is my relationship. It doesn't work like that. Everything just gets all mixed up in itself and absorbed into one area. And then it all comes out, you know, when it's, when it's too much. And so this is the porousness.

1:00:39Is that a word?

1:00:41Shanna Pearson:It is now. I'm sure it is. The porous nobility of the ADHD-er is how we honestly absorb everything. Incredible. I never, ever thought that. I'm not going to be able to wash my dishes now at home without thinking of my entire… We are for it. I use that word a lot with our clients. It's just like when you think of yourself like that, you can get it. You can get why you feel so much. And should we like try to manage and wring some of that water out or do we embrace it? You embrace it and you manage it. You embrace it while you manage it because you better embrace it because it's not going away in terms of like, you're not going to be a different person, but you're going to know what to do with all of that emotion.

1:01:25And especially when it comes to RSD, a lot of times it's just really questioning your own thoughts and not just falling into it and believing every single thing you think, because that would be, you know, that's never a good recipe, right? But people are going to look at you the way they look at you and say things the way that they say things because of how they are, you know? And a person who's like, you know, come to the party if you want, might be very scared of putting pressure on you or might not want you to feel obligated because they don't want to be that kind of person or, you know, they might have their own thing that they're dealing with.

1:02:05And, and just to, just to, to start asking more questions about what you think people are thinking or feeling.

1:02:12Shanna Pearson:An incredibly helpful reframe. Oh, cool. Good. I want to do my favorite part of the show, which is also my favorite part of the show. It's the ADHD agony aunt section and it's called the washing machine of woes because an audience member writes in and it goes in the washing machine because that's my item, because I always forget my laundry in the machine after the cycle has finished. That's a great washing machine. Oh, thank you. I always ask, do you do that? Do you forget your laundry in the machine? I forget my laundry in the dryer. Right. Okay. Yeah. Which is equally bad. It doesn't smell, but it's always very wrinkly.

1:02:49Shanna Pearson:You skip the damp smell. That's handy. I have been using the Timo app there and I have been getting a lot better. Someone's written in, Shauna, this week, into the washing machine and they have asked, I feel like I have masked my whole life and imitated those around me to fit in. I don't even know who I really am and I have no sense of self. This is apparently an ADHD trait, but I'm also told it's a borderline personality trait. How can I tell which it is? ADHD or BPD? Gosh, that's a tricky one. Feel free to say pass. I think I'll pass one. I'm not a borderline personality disorder specialist.

1:03:31Here's what I want to say to this person. Number one, if you're worried that you might have borderline personality disorder, you want to talk to a doctor about that. You want to know what's going on with you. And it's good to ask questions to, you know, to you and such. But take it seriously and take yourself, you know, like look at it and you decide what it is. But more importantly, whatever you're being told, whether it's ADHD or whether it's borderline personality, find out what your challenges are. Specifically, like, what am I not good at? What do I want to be better at? What could really change my life in a really powerful way?

1:04:11and start working on that, regardless of whether it's ADHD or borderline personality or anything else, or you're just not feeling, you're feeling really stressed out and chaotic and scattered. Find out what it is and figure out and look for ways and learn ways to deal with that.

1:04:32Shanna Pearson:Just finally, Shauna, I want to deliver you a letter that was written by the previous guest where they wrote their three rules to live by. Okay. This is good. There we go. Three rules to live by. If something is taking more than it's giving, then that's a sign to get rid of it. Gosh, yeah, deep, but very true. Use your emotions to help you decide on what tasks to do. If something is a effing bastard of a task, call it that, okay? Use your emotions to help you decide on what tasks to do. So I need to say this. in our coaching program, we absolutely do not do that ever. Because if you use your emotions to decide on what tasks to do, most of us would end up eating ice cream and watching movies all day long.

1:05:25Because that's what I want to do. And that's what I feel like doing. And the things that I really don't want to do that have to be done would never get done. And then I would feel like a mess. And then I would feel discouraged. And then I would feel like, why is my life not the way I want it to be? Because I felt like the hardest times of my life, I was being driven by my emotions. And if there's one thing I've learned with all the work that I've done with ADHD years is it's action first, not emotion first.

1:05:57Shanna Pearson:Yeah. I mean, with a scatty mind and a sponge full of emotions, it can be hard which one to know which one to steer you. Yeah. And if you're doing the actions that you need to do in a way that's fun and that works with who you are and your emotions, believe it or not, your emotions will actually change. That's why our coaching is action first, because the actions create the emotion, which then creates different results versus emotion first, not for an ADHD-er. Truly fascinating, Shauna. Thank you so much. You're welcome.