Nelly Furtado Opens Up About Late ADHD Diagnosis (EXCLUSIVE)

27:01See, that's ADHD gold.

27:05Nelly Furtado:That is impulsivity, right? That's just doing something. Because a lot of people would be too fearful to go to song search? It feels so good because you're just really, you're living the way you want to live, you know? The way I want to live is like that. But not every day is like that. Regular life is not like that. What about imposter syndrome? Because in those moments when you're on stage in front of thousands of people, like, and you look very confident, but inside, do you feel always as confident as you look?

27:36I've come a long way and I've really come back to realizing that, like, The art of performing is really in the preparation. If you prepare well, that's what gives you the confidence. So only in the last two years, three years max, have I realized that if I walk off the stage and I know that I did everything possible to make it the greatest show I could do in that moment, I feel really good about it. and if somebody says it was a good show it's literally icing on the cake for me where 20 years ago when I was in my early 20s doing shows I really had no idea I just did my thing my thing and then after if somebody told me it was a good show then I believed it was a good show know what I mean see the difference so I think I've realized that like like most things in life like it's kind of like it's all about it's quite boring it's all about the preparation you know to mean and in composition in music a lot of teachers will tell you that and like even my um my vocal teacher i remember him saying that before he passed ron he would be like no the you don't have to add any magic to it you don't have to worry about that because when you're in your early 20s you're all about what about what about the rock and roll you know what am i gonna burn my guitar on stage and it's like no if you just sing the song the magic of the composition already exists in the melody and lyric so it's going to come together and it's going to be

29:02Nelly Furtado:magical you know what i mean does that make sense totally just before you go on stage like what's your routine how would you do to calm the adhd mind in those moments um basically i i lately have been doing a lot of like just body stuff like stretching just kind of like stretching mental preparation as i like to listen to the show tape just i call it a show tape it's basically like a recording of the show um i also do my vocal warm-ups uh i meet up with like my dancers we do a little more warm-ups i meet up with my band we sing like a song through it's very like kind of systematic i've been reading a lot like celebrities right they have like an athlete you know you just know what you have to do for the game it's like you know what's what you need to do for game time you know and post-show like how are you feeling when you come off stage uh basically when i come off the stage you see this is very different i have to say there's been like a totally pronounced difference between who I am now as a performer and who I was like.

30:00I was thinking about this last night, actually, because I kind of came home after a really good show and I was like looking out at the water and it was like this great moment. And I thought to myself, wow, remember when you used to like in your early 20s when you were doing this, you know, kind of like first putting out music and everything, you would just come back from a show and just feel absolutely insane you know you would just have so much so many so many like chemical like sort of like i don't explain it like adrenaline it's like your your little 20 something year old body's feeling all this adrenaline for the first time and i don't think your body knows how to process it properly so it just takes a long time or it's like a lot harder to be grounded but now in my 40s i'm super grounded so like it's so much more enjoyable when i tell you like it's so much more enjoyable and so less terrifying so less terrifying how do you sleep and i mean like because a lot of four hours minimum post-show i can't sleep at least i need at least four hours to wind down so after the show after the show you have too much adrenaline i need minimum four hours so if the show finishes is it like say 10 o 'clock you're up till 2 3 a.m oh yeah yeah for sure if i finish at 10 or like yeah if i walk like last night i walked off stage at 9 p.m i fell asleep at 2 a.m and i was surprised

31:31Nelly Furtado:i was like oh i'm proper tired what do you do to like wind yourself down is it like a do you have a drink do you you have to like banter a little bit you have to like socialize like last night after I walked off stage, I went back and watched like the next performer. And then after that, we were like, I don't know, we were taking pictures. We were like, yeah, I had to get home. And then luckily I had to pack for this excursion. So luckily I had something to do. And I was so grateful that I had that task because I was like, this will help me get tired. You know? How do you sleep? Because sleep's a big issue, right?

32:07Nelly Furtado:In the community, particularly with ADHD women. When you're not gigging, when it's just like a day off, how are you? How's your sleep then you know just don't go on your phone and you're fine i think phones were designed like to keep you up at night and i think if you just have the discipline to like put your phone away or turn it off i know it's controversial i turn my phone on completely i didn't realize this um that it was controversial um or i you know turn on airplane mode you know sometimes you know as long as you know all my loved ones are close but like um yeah that and then you know what helps when I was first getting back into performing because I took like five years off I was like really like hyper focusing like really focused and I was like okay what do I need to do so I like I need to wake up again for rehearsal tomorrow at 8 a.m oh my god I have so much adrenaline so I would just turn off all the lights and just use candlelight it's such a good trick because it gets your whole system really ready for bed.

33:11Candle light, fire light, fire. No lights.

33:14Nelly Furtado:Yeah, that's interesting. That's a good trick. You have to do it. No lights, no phone lights, none of that. One of my guests has the hairdryer as their item. It's brown noise, like a little bit of background noise. It really helps them sleep. Oh, wow. Do you relate to that at all? Noise. Oh, I wear a sleep mask now. I just put something heavy over my eyes. right to just blank out it looks like I'm like about to go to space or something it's got it's like this sleep mask I found at a spa um yeah that helps but I didn't bring it on this tour so I'm a little bit like but I'm fine got ya yeah I mean that's a bit of a that's awareness right that's that's like an amazing reading just like a regular book just like reading yeah so you're able to like read whole books because I really struggle reading whole books oh this is funny I could buy a ton of books I didn't realize this was weird until I knew I had ADHD, where I was like, do you read the article from the end and go to the beginning?

34:11You ever do that?

34:12Nelly Furtado:I start a ton of stuff. I got a load of books that I've bought and I've read the first chapter. Yeah, you read it, yeah. And then I'm bored. And you're like, hmm, move on to the next one. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I do finish a book. See, but this goes back to the college thing. You should watch me read a book. I'll read a lot of books. When I say it takes a long time because I need to process every line. I can't just like passively read it. I have to be like what's your favorite genre of book like what keeps your attention it depends I've read so many different like types of I go through phases like right now what am I reading I just literally picked up this book I just picked up a book at the airport the other day it's called um lessons in chemistry okay yeah it's good so far I like it yeah it's good it's fiction and if you were to look back through your life nelly at the sort of the traits of adhd would you describe any as sort of helping you have like a superpower do you think some of them have really benefited you know i talked a lot about that last year when i was putting like my album out i was like yeah it's like a superpower and so now i it is it is but also like i liked you know my friend once was like you know it depends your approach it just depends on your approach like i don't like even when you say to me like when you're like well what would you have changed like if you went back and you knew you had ADHD but i don't think i don't think it would have been better if i knew does that make sense like i'm kind of glad i'm finding out now to be honest tbh i'm glad i didn't know is that weird to say i think do you think do you think you do you harbor any shame around previous versions of Nelly?

35:54Because maybe I would have made excuses or something for myself. I mean, do you know what I mean? Like, I wonder if I, if I didn't know.

35:59Nelly Furtado:Well, I guess if you understood why, like why you did things in a way that might be considered unusual, you might have not beaten yourself up so much. I'm not sure to be honest. Is that weird? I don't know. No, sometimes it's better to not know, right? Yeah. I'm kind of somehow strangely grateful. I didn't know until now. Because I feel like I'm more capable of using that knowledge in the way that sees me now. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, if you know, then… Like, I've got to say, I do really feel like with ADHD, I know you can do things that can help you a little bit. But you just have to accept your life is not going to be…

36:37You're just going to have to live in the moment, to be honest. You know? I think that's the truth.

36:43Nelly Furtado:if you know then you look it up and you read that you're you're disordered which isn't very nice to read right well yeah that's the thing like i that's the thing so so and it's too bad because i guess there's misinformation out there about it because i've read like it described as a disease which is not a disease you know you're just like neuro neuro atypical i guess yeah yeah essentially yeah neurodivergent yeah neurodivergent i mean it's And I like all those labels. Like, they're fine. But I just also don't want them to, like, limit anybody. You know what I mean? But I think that you should be proud in their limitation as well and be able— You know how I think it should be?

37:24I think it should be, like— It should be less, like, of this thing that's, like, this— It's diagnosed and then you have this— It should be more, like, this is how I like to think. This is how I like to work. Probably a lot of people out there also have totally different brains, but we all just kind of like are forced to like be in like a system whereas we should like all be able to advocate for like how we like to process information how we like to deliver it there should be less shaming about the way we communicate for sure and I think that's probably the way forward you know what I mean it's like I should be able to tell like my colleagues like hey I actually need this information presented to me this way or I'm not gonna listen to you and like why I don't I'd like yeah and I'm going to ask for the document 10 times today because I'm sorry but that's how my brain works you know what I mean like if that should be okay and so like I guess it's step by step you know yeah making tiny accommodations and adjustments

38:23Nelly Furtado:for yourself right almost like advocating for yourself standing up for yourself make that normal you have to I did that with a realtor actually once oh a realtor it was so lovely yeah because I was in New York and at the time she was going to live with housemates like in New York like like like a while ago like a long time ago my daughter and I was walking the streets of New York looking at all these apartments and he's shoving all these documents in my face he's lovely he's like a friend of mine and I'm just like god he thinks I'm gonna fill these forms out today i'm not kidding i'm like oh yeah that's the other thing we haven't talked about that documents forms driver's licenses all that stuff i go into total collapse anyway he hands me these forms on the streets of manhattan and we've looked at 10 apartments and i'm like i'm like oh my god like because for some reason i really did have to do them and i was like i need to talk to you let's sit down at this coffee shop and I'm like you know so I just found I have ADHD and this is actually really overwhelming for me but I know we need to do this today and you do need certain information from me personally you know and he just was like oh my god I'm so happy you told me that I'm really happy you told me that of course I want to help you let me help you how can we make this easier and that was an amazing moment to know that A, I was confident enough to do that.

39:58And two, there was no shame around it for me. You know? No shame. Just like, this is me. This is how my brain is. Because, yeah, it's hard. Like, you know? Like, it's hard when you're a kid growing up with, like, different neurodivergent traits. Yeah, it is challenging. And it's like, I'm sure so many people go through this, you know?

40:19Nelly Furtado:Well, kids growing up with neurodivergent conditions, a lot of them get othered, right? They get ostracized. They get called too sensitive, too much, too moody. And that can compound throughout a childhood to create an adult that feels not enough or too much or is very sensitive to rejection or doesn't understand why they sometimes have to put on a completely different version of themselves just to fit in in that particular moment. They have to change their entire personality to be more likable for whoever they're with on any particular day. Have you heard of the term rejection-sensitive dysphoria?

40:55Well, I've heard about it, but I'm learning more about it with you today, how you were telling me the reason why people think that if you have ADHD, you might kind of suffer from that as well.

41:07Nelly Furtado:Yeah, so I subscribe to the idea that children with ADHD were exposed to so many more negative criticisms. 20 ,000 is the theorized number, like micro-corrections, like stop fidgeting, why are you so lazy? Why can't you just do the task? 20 ,000 more little comments like that throughout our childhood. So when we turn into an adult, we're so primed to react viscerally and defensively when we are criticized or rejected as an adult. Do you relate to that feeling? I don't know. Like we were talking about it and I was wondering if it was more like with the hyperactive sort of kind of ADHD. because again, mine's more inattentive.

41:46So I thought, oh, that would make sense for a hyperactive person who has always been like scolded. You know, you would definitely, I think, feel like angry about that later if you were criticized as an adult. But for me personally, I think it has been a little more subtle, but there for sure. Because I think maybe, yeah, self-esteem wise, right? You just get a little bit affected that way, I think, when you feel different.

42:12Nelly Furtado:if Nelly's criticized or rejected can that look like a shutdown can you fill with sadness or rage yeah that's happened to me before yeah it's a lot better now like and I feel like a little bit more what's actualized as sort of like uh you know I'm 46 so I'm like I know who I am you know now fully i feel like a lot more complete i think as my personality but that can still happen to me for sure if somebody like rubs me the wrong way or says or something triggers me emotionally for some reason yeah i can have quite a shutdown and shut people out it's a visceral feeling it can be like the community purported it it can feel like a like a punch to the chest right or someone's like you know sticks in a dagger and twists it it's a pain response to a criticism or and it doesn't always need to be a real criticism it can be a perceived criticism or maybe it's just kind of like the fitting in thing you know what i mean just kind of like again like ways um maybe that that's what happens you could just build this like you know this anxiety around fitting in so maybe a little bit more like oh you know when you feel left out i think and it could be really made up in your head yeah totally you can spiral right based off nothing.

43:35Nelly Furtado:They'd be like, I'm so left out. Social approval, having that removed can be really painful. Yeah. Do you have any words of wisdom, Nelly, for perhaps like a late diagnosed ADHD woman, someone who is still finding themselves, finding their confidence? Yeah. Any words of wisdom? To be honest, what I really feel is that I think you should try to learn about yourself. Like for me personally, like I know that like if I haven't gone to the dance studio in a while and like learn some choreography or like done particular kinds of like exercise that help my brain, it's going to be harder. I'm going to have a worse time with my ADHD.

44:12Like if I don't get my exercise in, if I don't like go do like something creative, if I don't do like go to the dance studio, like do choreography, get grounded. So I think you need to know what might work for you, you know, personally, it's different for everybody. But I think overall, don't like judge yourself and don't hold yourself to some strange standard of perfection

44:34Nelly Furtado:or think you're going to conquer, you're not going to conquer. There's no conquering of ADHD. There's nothing to conquer. You know what I mean? Exactly, because you're not broken. Conquer, yeah, there's nothing. It's okay, you know what I mean? It's okay. It can be challenging because you never feel like you're quite catching up. You feel a little bit behind all the time. But you have great moments. you can have great moments of triumph. So like focus on those. Focus on the good ones and then just let everything else kind of slide and don't worry too much about it. Personally, I think that's how you live without, you don't want to hate your brain because the moment we overanalyze what our brain is doing, I think we start to hate our brain, to be honest.

45:20I think we start to go, because like, think about it, right? If you're trying to like check yourself all the time, like, oh, no ADHD. You can't be like, no ADHD. i've got a list today like it's like it doesn't work because then you're constantly criticizing yourself and then you just hate yourself you know yeah well that's the reality i feel because i've

45:41Nelly Furtado:spoken to thousands of late diagnosed women in the community and you know there is a real sadly it's heartbreaking there is a real feeling of of self-loathing sometimes because yeah for sure women have been told that they're too sensitive like i feel like it's that internal critic that internal yeah it's not like and you're not like you're not like you're not um what's the word like you're just not you're not like peak function you're not at peak performance because we live in a world where like everybody wants to be at peak performance because we have all the information so why why why don't we work oh why don't you work there's ways to work you know yeah not work i mean why aren't you performing at peak you know what i mean that's like the culture in general.

46:25And it's like, no, we just need to be human. You know, it's okay to be human.

46:32Nelly Furtado:I feel like lots of people with ADHD, they kind of pretend to be someone that they're not, which is sad. But when you discover who you really are, then you don't have a deficit of attention towards the thing that you're interested in. You have like an abundance of it. And that's when you can become the best in the world, world beating at that thing. But I feel like traveling towards finding who you really are, perhaps after years and years of masking and pretending like that's a hard journey to go on that's probably really hard yeah i sympathize with people maybe that maybe even pursued different um maybe careers that they maybe genuinely were interested in perhaps would be really difficult um or maybe i mean there's things i didn't pursue that i was interested in because i probably i don't know was who knows over all the reasons we're talking about like there's things like maybe i wanted to try but didn't you know um so you just kind of do what you're good at I think you know when your most famous song right I'm like a bird one of the lyrics is you don't know me that well oh yeah do you think you know yourself well I know myself pretty well yeah I think yeah I've yes I can say that what are some of the things you were interested in but didn't pursue well I remember at one point I wanted to go to film school or something like I remember just like different times like in different decades kind of like oh i did do that and i mean i'm not gonna blame adhd for that or anything but i just think um yeah anybody like who hasn't found their passion yet you know i think should keep keep digging for sure i think it's it's a worthy it's a worthy pursuit because when you're passionate about something i mean there's nothing better you know then it gets then you can hyper focus on something really makes you feel really good and what about advice for the younger version of yourself with this like new knowledge of adhd that you have if you could go back in time and sort of put your arms around young nelly what would you tell her one day this will all make sense like literally that's probably soothing right just to reassure yourself one day this will all make sense while you're like hiding in the bathroom stall because you don't want to talk to people yeah is that actually what happened yeah what are you hiding from i don't know i used to just kind of get like in social function sometimes like with these big like big festivals um at our church they throw these big like parties in the church hall and as a as a young kid i remember going and just feeling overwhelmed by everything and then i'd have to like go hide in the bathroom stall until i like regulated i just like to regulate my nervous system for like 15 minutes and then i could go like back out which is so weird i know because i like perform in front of so many people.

49:13Nelly Furtado:Do you think there's much of a difference between like the Nelly that no one else sees behind the scenes compared to the Nelly that the world sees on stage? I don't know. I mean, yes and no. Yeah, I think everybody's multifaceted, you know what I mean? I think there's a lot of sides to my personality, but I've kind of always been that way. We're going to do the ADHD item section, Nelly. Every week, my guest brings in an item that most represents ADHD, and I'm going to reveal yours now. Okay. Green tea Alright We got some green tea One of my favorite things Why does green tea represent ADHD? Green tea For me I've been drinking green tea every day For like I don't know Like 30 years or something I Think You asked me to To like Think of an item And the reason I chose green tea Is because I think when I wake up in the morning, one of the first thing, probably the first thing I do actually is go make myself like a cup of green tea, but I usually use the leaves and I just kind of like steep them.

50:20And I'm like kind of particular about the different kinds of teas that I drink, but I'll have any green tea. I'm not that picky, but, but yeah, I have like a little ritual, I guess you could say. And I think it kind of just makes me feel more normal, quote unquote, to have anything that I do the same every day and that would be probably it. Right. The only thing, the only thing I do every day. Everything else is a mess.

50:44Nelly Furtado:Well, it's good to set the day off on some kind of like... It's really proper. For sure. Really normal. How does it make you feel? Do you feel like more focused afterwards? Yeah, it also makes me feel more focused. It makes me kind of feel like ready for the day, you know, and just kind of like ready. I drink it on stage. Really? Yes, I bring like this lovely mug of green tea and I'm just like... It keeps my mind like, I don't like, you know, forget lyrics. Do you think school is generally set up to accommodate an ADHD brain? I mean, is life, is work, are alarm clocks? No. It is hard, isn't it?

51:22Nelly Furtado:I think, but, you know, this has been fascinating, Nellie. Train schedule? Nothing is. So why would school be? Like with scheduling. Like scheduling. okay scheduling i ask for when i'm working i ask my team for the schedule 20 times a day when there's already an app where everybody else is on it's called master tour do i have it on my phone of course not why would they think i would download that app onto my phone when i can just ask someone far too organized no this has been really really fun um just finally i'm gonna And I think you know the previous guest. I'm going to deliver a letter that was written by the previous guest.

52:03Nelly Furtado:I think you know her. Who's written her Three Rules to Live By. And I'm going to deliver it to you. And if you could kindly read it. Okay. This is the previous guest. And I think you know her. Oh, Shanna. Shanna Pearson. That's my girl. It is. She's Shanna. This is. Okay. Three Rules to Live By. Oh, she sent me these? Yes. These are primo. This is like some guru stuff going on. One, this is going to make me cry. Own your differences. They've served you in some, brackets, many ways. Two, write down what you've done well and how it's helped you so that you'll see it often when, not if you forget.

52:51so she's like so you see it off and when not if you forget three get out of your brain by getting into your body so true help so much what's your sport do you play sport

53:03Nelly Furtado:hi nelly channa hi channa thank you yeah i run a lot like running exercise is my kind of um oh you run yeah yeah medicine for me yeah it's medicine it's good do you do you exercise much yes and I've gone through phases where running has done that for me for sure yeah exercise for sure yeah it's helped so much Nelly this has been truly truly fascinating thank you so much thank you