3 Things Your Strong-Willed Kid Needs to Hear

0:00Kristin:The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Today on After Bedtime, we're talking about strong-willed kids. The ones who push back, question everything, melt down big, and leave you wondering if you're totally failing as a parent. Maybe you have one of these kids, or maybe you were one of these kids. I was one of these kids. And here's the truth. There are no bad kids. There are only misunderstood kids. And strong-willed kids especially get mislabeled as bad. In this episode, I'm going to share the three things every strong-willed kid needs to hear. These words can rewire how your child sees themselves, how you see them, and maybe even how you see yourself.

0:58This is all coming from a person who was a strong-willed kid, a bad kid. This is coming from someone who is parenting a strong-willed kid who has been labeled as a bad kid before. And this is coming from research and neuroscience. I am really excited about this episode. It's so meaningful to me and I feel like is such important work for these misunderstood kids. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. the thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

1:37Kristin:We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here.

2:12All right, you know that kid. Maybe you have one, or maybe you just know one. This is the kid who will just not stop pushing back. They question everything. They scream back at you. They dig their heels in. They're the kid who, when you say, put on your shoes, looks you dead in the eye and says, no. And maybe you have that strong-willed kid, or maybe you were that kid. I was that kid. And let me tell you something most people won't. Being that kid is exhausting. It can feel like running a marathon every single day with no breaks, the pushback, the constant why the fights that last so long you forget what you were even fighting about.

3:02The sheer bone deep exhaustion of looking at your kid and wondering, why can't you just do this like everyone else? Why can't you just do it happily for once? And under all that frustration sits a really big fear. Will my child even be okay in this world? Will they ever fit in or are they headed toward rebellion, heartbreak? I mean, maybe even jail. I know that everybody worried about me going to jail. No joke. True story. I actually won the superlative in my high school yearbook, most likely to go to jail. True story. Ask my high school. Listen, strong-willed kids often get mislabeled as bad kids.

3:48Teachers might whisper it or they just wait until they're in the break room or they're home at night and they absolutely unload about that kid. Family might say it to you. They might say there's something wrong with your kid or something wrong with your parenting. Strangers in Target might look at you like you're failing and you start to wonder, is something wrong with my kid? Is something wrong with me? Am I parenting too loosely, too strictly? Like, what do I need to do to get this right so that my kid can just be like all the other kids that I see out there? But here's the truth. There are no bad kids.

4:28There are only kids who are misunderstood. All kids are wired differently. And kids who cannot and will not just march in a straight line like everyone else, they're just as valuable to society as the rule followers. We want to fast forward later on in life. We absolutely need the straight and narrows, the rule followers, the HR people, the administrative assistants, the project managers, the ones who are organizing all of the things and they're very logical, the accountants. But guess what? We also have to have the innovators, the dreamers, the CEOs. We cannot value this trait less in kids or else we run the risk of dimming that fire.

5:25Yes, they are harder to raise, but they are also the kids who push humanity forward. These are kids who question the system, who notice what other people don't. They're the ones who see the world in ways that no one else can. So let's talk about me for a minute. You may know me as Kristen from Big Little Feelings. I run a very popular parenting account that helps parents raise emotionally healthy, resilient kids. You know my business partner and best friend, Dina. We could not be more different. When I was a kid, I was that strong-willed kid. I was always in trouble. Okay. I was the kid who always got the report card that said, she just has so much potential.

6:16She has so much potential. If she could just dot, dot, dot. Okay. because I also got the she never stops talking. She never stops disrupting the class. She's always talking to her neighbor. She's never paying attention. She's always off in a different zone and she's not listening. If she could just listen, if she could just stop talking, if she could just sit still, then she has so much potential. I was the one who always asked why. I never accepted because I said so or because this is the way we do things. I always, always wanted to see if there was another way that was smarter, that was faster, that was quicker, that was more efficient of doing things.

7:02I didn't understand why I needed to go to biology class. If I had no interest in biology, I knew as an adult I was never going to use it. I'm not going. I'm simply not going. and it started even earlier than high school. So when I was really little, it was more of a, oh, she never really listens. She doesn't pay attention. My grades were not good. My older sisters had phenomenal grades. Okay. So my parents really didn't know what to do with me. And I feel bad because they didn't know what to do with me. Teachers didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't like a horrible rebel at that point. I did turn into that and we'll get to that.

7:39but I was just different. I marched to the beat of my own drum. I was off in La La Land a lot. I was not that interested in what was going on in school. I was very interested in people. I was very interested in the people around me. I was very interested in learning what I wanted to learn about. I was not interested in what I didn't want to learn about. I was also very curious. I wanted to think about things in ways that we were not talking about in school and that did not go over well. I remember at a very, very early age hearing a lot of things, a lot of things like, why can't you just be more like your sister?

8:15Your sister sits in the front of the class. Can you just sit in the front of the class? Your sister goes up to her teacher and says hi every morning and goodbye every morning and gives the, could you be like her? Why can't you just be more like this person? I remember that at an early age and it really stuck with me. And then I remember as the report cards kept coming in, my confidence or knowledge actually, not confidence so much, as the knowledge of who I am started to shift. So I knew I had all of these traits, but I didn't know that they made me bad. And it wasn't until I started understanding that the teachers didn't like this, my parents didn't like this, adults didn't like this.

9:00I started to put together that I was bad. I was always sent to a timeout. I was always locked in my room or other places to think about what I've done. I always forgot things. I didn't want to do things. And I was punished for that. I was always, always told that I should be quieter, that I should listen, that I should follow the rules? Why am I so difficult? Difficult was a big one. And so I can still remember the sting of those words. They stay with me today. That label, quote unquote, bad, it stuck to me like glue. And it burrowed in. And it turned into shame, even at a very early age because when you're called bad enough times you stop hearing it as something you did and you start believing it's something you are.

10:01I remember the exact shift of internalizing well I'm just a bad kid because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sit still. I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop joking around and laughing. I still can't to this day. You should see me on a Zoom call. I'm making the whole Zoom call erupt laughing. And no, I don't have the spreadsheet or the numbers. I still don't have what I'm supposed to have or supposed to be prepared for. I'm a CEO of a company. Now somebody else has those for me. But at the time, I remember thinking, well, I'm bad. I might as well be bad. And that's a pretty dangerous place for a little kid to be.

10:41But it's a real dangerous place for a teenager to be. There are hormones flying. There's forming your identity. And I leaned in to being that bad kid because that was who I was. I skipped school. I quickly learned that if you skip one class or you skip 30 classes, you get detention either way. So I skipped 30 classes. I barely graduated high school. I made a point to have a sort of ego about me. And I say ego as sort of a character. of being the bad kid. I experimented with many things that I shouldn't have experimented. Drugs, alcohol. A lot of those were, yes, to feed into this bad kid energy, but a lot of it was also to numb that shame.

11:30I didn't want to be bad. I wanted to be good. I definitely did not want to be difficult, but I was. I couldn't stop being difficult. And here's the truth. The reason I am sitting here today as a CEO of a company, as someone who has amassed a pretty big following somehow, someway, three and a half million followers, as someone who has turned their passion into their career that not only brings in financial security for my family, but also helps millions of people living my dream. The reason I am sitting here today, and I can say this with full confidence is there was one person and one person only.

12:12And this person was my dad. And my dad said to me, and yes, he also made me feel like I was bad many a times. But many, many times he looked me in the eye and he said, your brain is different. Your brain is awesome. You are going to be huge someday. Whatever you want to put your mind to, you are going to be incredible at it because you don't just follow the rules. You're not like everyone else. You You question things and you are special and you are different. And it is only because of hearing that messaging and somewhat internalizing that messaging that I am sitting here today, that I as an adult do all the same things that I did as a kid.

12:52But now I'm celebrated for it. Now I'm innovative. Now I think outside the box. Now I have that brazen confidence where I'm like, well, I can do anything. There's no real rules in life. Like I could create anything out of thin air. I think outside the box. So here's what I'm going to give you today. I'm going to share three things that can shape the way your strong-willed kid sees themselves and will then literally shape the rest of their life. Three things I want you to say to your kid and say to them often because while the world told me I was too much and I was bad and I would never amount to anything, there was one person and one person only and that person believed in me.

13:36And I'm going to share with you how you can believe in your child while still, yes, getting to the end of the day. I promise they're not going to go to jail. They're not going to light anybody on fire because when you fill them up with this confidence, they can do anything. If there's one refresh worth making this season, it's your bedding. Summer nights always leave me wanting bedding that feels lighter, more breathable, and genuinely comfortable. That's why Quince is my go-to. They focus on high-quality materials like European linen and bamboo, but without the luxury markup. It's the perfect balance where everything feels elevated but still effortless.

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15:33Kristin:Friends, there is one night that I will remember forever when I first had kids. Someone had given me a very cute outfit. It had buttons. It had the snaps. And it was two in the morning. I'm there fighting for my life. I haven't slept in weeks. And I heard my last string of patients just go doink in the middle of the night and fell on the floor crying. I will never forget that. You're trying to line up these microscopic buttons in the dark while your baby's rolling away like an angry alligator. No, no, no, no, no. Those days are done. If you have not heard, you need to hear about magnetic me. Hey, I'm not exaggerating when I say I gift this to basically every new parent now.

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18:15Kristin:You know, I know myself pretty well now. And one thing about me is I am a person who becomes very emotionally attached to my tiny morning rituals. I need some sunlight. I need my coffee. But I have a little secret, friends, okay? Cachava travel packs. Now, I don't know if you know about cachava, but like this is the easiest way to check off all your nutritional boxes, protein, fiber, vitamins, minerals, greens, probiotics, like electrolytes, omegas. It is truly all in this one little shake, which is amazing because summer always throws routines completely off for me. You're out the door earlier.

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21:27Kristin:You know what absolutely humbles me as a parent? Trying to, quote, relax on vacation. Like, why do I always imagine family trips are going to look like slow mornings and coffee by the water? Everyone peacefully applying sunscreen with birds chirping in the distance. When in reality, it's someone crying because their waffle feels wrong. The more I've done this, the more I've become obsessed with trips that don't need to be perfect to still be amazing. Which is why we've been talking nonstop lately about Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I love that it actually feels built for real families. Like, yes, you have the gorgeous beach and pools and all the classic summer vacation moments.

22:06Kristin:But there are also so many things to do when your kid suddenly decides that they are done with the beach after 11 minutes. You can spend the day going mini golfing. You can hit up Ripley's Aquarium, go to Wonderworks, which my kids would absolutely lose their minds over because it literally looks like an upside down house. There are water sports, live entertainment, amazing restaurants, little beach towns to explore, which is my vibe personally. It genuinely feels like there's always another fun thing around the corner. Also, as someone who deeply believes vacation should include good food and not just surviving on melted granola bars and french fries from the pool snack shack, there are literally thousands of restaurants.

22:47Kristin:Thousands. Which honestly feels important for my emotional well-being, okay? You belong at the beach. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Plan the best family vacation ever at visitmyrtlebeach.com. Trust me, you will remember this summer forever. Okay, before I share the three things, I want to share a piece of research that's going to give you solace. There is actual research that shows strong-willed kids, the ones who question everything, the ones who push back the hardest, when they are fostered, guided, and celebrated instead of shamed. They actually have some of the most positive long-term outcomes.

23:26Yes, my friends, that is research. That's not just me saying it. One, they are more likely to become leaders in their fields. In fact, one study found that kids rated as quote-unquote defiant by teachers were more likely to become high-earning adults than their compliant peers. They're also more likely to resist negative peer pressure. Research shows that strong-willed kids are less likely to fall into risky behaviors like substance abuse because they won't just quote unquote go along with the crowd. Then they also grow up with the confidence to stand up for themselves and others. Studies on authoritative parenting show that when kids feel both accepted and guided, they develop the highest levels of self-esteem, empathy, and long-term resilience.

24:10But when those same kids are constantly labeled as bad, trouble, difficult, the outcomes shift. They're more likely to internalize shame, to struggle in school, to disengage, to act out, not because of who they are, but because of how the world responded to them. So if you're exhausted, if you're scared, if you feel like you're failing, just hear this. You have more power than you realize. The way you show up, the words you say, and the belief you carry can literally rewrite the story your child will carry for the rest of their life.

24:50Kristin:All right, here's some famous strong-willed kids. I just think you need some proof and we need to look at history. All right, so many of the people we admire today, the ones who have shaped culture and science and art, were once labeled as bad kids. Albert Einstein, he was called slow, lazy, and a poor student. His teacher said, quote-unquote, he'd never amount to much. Thomas Edison, he was told he was, quote-unquote, too stupid to learn and was kicked out of school. Oprah Winfrey, preach, prayer hands. She was suspended again and again as a teenager, constantly told she was quote unquote too much.

25:30Maya Angelou was mute for years after trauma and was considered quote unquote difficult by teachers only to grow up and become one of the most powerful voices in history. And of course, Steve Jobs. He was constantly in trouble, constantly challenging authority and got suspended multiple times. All of them, once called bad, broken, stupid, trouble. And in reality, they were brilliant, visionary, and world-changing. And your strong-willed child belongs in that same story. So now let's get to the three things you're going to say to your strong-willed kid. Number one, nothing you could ever do would make me love you less.

26:13Every slam door, every meltdown, every time they hear you're in trouble again, it builds fear in your child. If I keep messing up, you'll stop loving me is what they think. No matter how tough they seem, that's their deep fear. And that fear turns into walls. It turns into defiance. It turns into a child that seems unreachable. Trust me from experience. The antidote? Words they can hold on to like oxygen. Nothing you could ever do would make me love you any less. Not when you scream at me. Not when you throw the shoe. Not when you lie. Not even when you make me want to scream into a pillow. I love you even then, especially then.

27:01The next time your child is melting down, whisper, nothing you could do right now could make me ever love you less. And if you're exhausted, I want you to remind yourself, my job isn't to raise a kid who never messes up. My job is to love them through it. I actually say this to all three of my children right before bed. I say it every single night. I say it to my quote unquote good kid, the one who has a lot of pressure, wants to make everybody happy, follows all the rules. I'm equally as worried about her. I'll be honest. I say it to my strong-willed kid. I say nothing you could ever do would make me love you less.