In short
Amanda Kloots reflects on grief six years after her husband Nick’s death from COVID complications, and how grief shaped her identity, parenting, relationships, and public life. She also discusses authenticity, “policing” of how widows should grieve, and her spirituality (signs from Nick).
Guest
Amanda Kloots—Ohio-born performer (Broadway ensembles, tours, Radio City Rockette at 23), later a TV figure (Dancing with the Stars; permanent host of The Talk). She was married to Nick Cordero; he was hospitalized 95 days (ventilator medically induced coma, sepsis, dialysis, heart stopped) and died July 5, 2020 at age 41 when their son Elvis was 1.
Key claims
grief revealed her “true authentic self”; she learned not to idolize a deceased partner; she focuses on “one thing a day” to find joy; she believes in specific signs from Nick and shares them with her son.
Notable examples
Instagram backlash for smiling and posting workouts two weeks after Nick died; therapy advice to remember the marriage wasn’t perfect; a People magazine Geico Gecko ad falling onto her bed as a sign; a stroller fight with Nick over who pushed it to the pediatrician.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOAmanda Kloots' Journey Through Grief
0:45 to 4:25
A deep dive into Amanda's experiences with loss and resilience after her husband's death.
“go through this experience of losing her husband with a one-year-old live.”
Life Before Loss: Amanda's Early Career
4:25 to 7:05
Amanda shares her background as a Broadway performer and her early ambitions.
“Oh, gosh, I've been following you for a long time.”
Navigating Rejection and Building Resilience
7:05 to 11:10
Discussion on the challenges of rejection in auditions and the importance of hard work.
“So then, okay, so I - You got rejected from those schools.”
The Positive Outlook: Shaping Amanda's Character
11:10 to 13:25
Exploring how Amanda's upbringing and faith influence her positive outlook on life.
“Meaning, like, just repeated rejection, repeated rejection.”
Facing Life's Dark Moments
13:25 to 14:00
Amanda reflects on the challenges she faced during her divorce and the feelings of despair that accompanied it.
“So you're like, how positive are you, Amanda Clutes?”
Navigating Grief and Identity
14:00 to 14:54
Amanda shares her struggles with identity and grief after loss.
“And like, why, why, why is this happening to me?”
The Chaos of Parenthood
14:56 to 16:50
Discussion on the overwhelming tasks of parenthood and finding moments of connection.
“I feel like there's something no one adequately explains to you before you have a baby, which is that your entire day becomes a series of tiny maintenance tasks.”
The Chaos of Parenthood
16:54 to 18:59
Discussion on the overwhelming tasks of parenthood and finding moments of connection.
“There is a very specific version of me that exists at 3 a.m.”
Reflections on Authenticity in Grief
21:16 to 22:40
Exploring how grief can reveal one's true self and priorities.
“Expect ultra honest guest conversations, personal hot takes and unfiltered advice where I give it to you straight.”
The Transformative Power of Grief
22:40 to 24:44
Amanda reflects on how grief has transformed her perspective and identity.
“is what have you learned and understood about the woman who lived through that moment?”
Show all 28 chapters
The Public Scrutiny of Grieving
24:44 to 27:48
Discussing the societal pressures and expectations surrounding grief.
“Like when you're going through that, like I'm like, oh, my God, I'm like I'm like Amanda.”
Navigating Personal and Public Grief
27:48 to 28:05
Amanda shares her experiences of being observed while grieving publicly.
“Yeah, and people were like, join my free painting class at noon, you know, or I'm going to teach you how to, you know, do this at one.”
Navigating Grief and Public Perception
28:05 to 37:12
Learn how Amanda Kloots dealt with external judgments about her grieving process.
“Was that you were being sort of policed and watched in every way?”
Decision Fatigue in Daily Life
39:33 to 41:05
Explore the exhaustion of making daily decisions and its impact on well-being.
“I have decided that one of the biggest scams of adulthood is that apparently, in order to relax, you first have to do an enormous amount of work to arrange the relaxing.”
Decision Fatigue in Daily Life
41:12 to 43:05
Explore the exhaustion of making daily decisions and its impact on well-being.
“You guys, I have entered a phase of adulthood where I get genuinely excited about a pan.”
Decision Fatigue in Daily Life
43:12 to 45:07
Explore the exhaustion of making daily decisions and its impact on well-being.
“That's F-R-O-M-O-U-R-P-L-A-C-E dot com slash BLF and use code BLF for 10 % off sitewide.”
Decision Fatigue in Daily Life
45:11 to 45:22
Explore the exhaustion of making daily decisions and its impact on well-being.
Navigating Grief and Relationships
45:22 to 47:25
Understand how to navigate conflicts and emotional challenges in new relationships after loss.
“And it's probably over what we all have, which is like the dishes and the diapers and the ordering and just the dumb shit, just dumb shit.”
Finding Joy in Grief
47:25 to 49:35
Learn about the importance of seeking small moments of joy during periods of profound sadness.
“What is the number one thing you would say to a woman who was in your position?”
Signs and Spiritual Connections
49:35 to 54:11
Discover how to connect with lost loved ones through signs and spirituality.
“Maybe that's just going and standing outside in the sun and letting like feeling the sunshine on me.”
Friendship Through Grief
54:11 to 56:00
Explore the bond formed between Amanda and Harry through shared experiences of loss.
“So Harry Jowsey, by the way, for the listeners who don't know, has a new Netflix show.”
Finding Connection Through Grief
56:00 to 57:30
Explore how grief can forge unexpected friendships and connections.
“Like I was really judging this man really wrong.”
Misconceptions About Healing from Grief
57:30 to 59:10
Understand the flawed beliefs surrounding the healing process after loss.
“but actually really get along and love each other.”
What Not to Say to a Grieving Widow
59:10 to 1:01:30
Learn about the common phrases that can be unhelpful to those mourning.
“I'm going to survive and I'm going to like heal.”
The Importance of Presence for the Grieving
1:01:30 to 1:03:25
Discover how showing up can be more impactful than words for grieving individuals.
“I, the best example, because I had Elvis, right?”
Yearning for Family Life After Loss
1:03:25 to 1:05:35
Delve into the longing for a traditional family life post-loss.
“What does Elvis do that is so Nick that it either freaks you out or you just love it?”
Music's Role in Grief and Remembrance
1:05:35 to 1:10:00
Examine how music connects to memories and aids in the grieving process.
“But it's still like wild that I grew up in such a family.”
Finding the Right Song for Grief
1:10:00 to 1:11:13
Learn how music can evoke memories and aid in the grieving process.
“that first year of grief, it's like pretty much all I listened to.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Kristin:The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome to another episode of After Bedtime. I am so happy that you are here today because Amanda Kloots is our guest. If that name rings a bell, but you can't exactly place who Amanda Kloots is, her career exploded with Dancing with the Stars. But right before that moment, that's where we really really saw amanda amanda was a broadway star and during covid she started sharing about her husband who tragically lost his life to covid where he spent 95 days hospitalized under a ventilator medically induced coma he had sepsis dialysis his heart stopped and she was sharing every minute of this i know that in those times i was watching her and we all watched her go through this experience of losing her husband with a one-year-old live.
0:58Kristin:So today we're going to sit down with Amanda. It's an incredible story and journey that she shares, and I cannot wait for you to listen to it. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth. The unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process.
1:37Kristin:Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. Okay, y 'all, Amanda Kloots is here. She's in the studio. She's waiting to come in. But I wanted to give a little backstory because I know Amanda from the videos that she made when she was losing her husband. It really stuck out to me as this moment in COVID where we were all really afraid. This was new. It was right at the beginning.
2:15Kristin:and I remember so distinctly seeing her making these videos, seeing her with a 10-month-old, seeing what was a fear of all of ours, like what if we lose our partner? What if something happens? And we all watched her share this in real time. It has stuck with me so much. And then I remember watching her thrive on Dancing with the Stars After. So her backstory outside of that is actually incredibly interesting. Amanda grew up in Ohio. She was one of five kids. She moved to New York City at 18 and became a professional performer. So I didn't know this. She actually was in Broadway ensembles. She was on tour.
2:53Kristin:She was a Radio City Rockette, which, by the way, was my dream when I was a kid, and it didn't pan out for many reasons. But she was actually a Radio City Rockette. She talks a lot about auditioning and getting rejected, which I love. You know, I always love touching on resilience. So I talk all about how she dealt with rejection, how she bounced back, how her upbringing and her childhood really set the tone for her success and being able to be rejected. And then we move into being married, having a 10-month-old, and losing your husband when you never thought this was going to be your reality.
3:30Kristin:So Amanda spent 95 days with her husband who was hospitalized, okay? And she started sharing those live updates that we all saw. And he died July 5th, 2020 at 41 years old and Elvis had just turned one. So what you're going to listen to today is you're going to listen to a woman who has been through the unthinkable. You're going to listen to a woman who has lost her husband, who identifies as a widow, who's raising a kid on her own, but has also had a career explosion since her loss. She became a permanent host of The Talk. She competed on Dancing with the Stars. She wrote a New York Times bestselling memoir, and she has a new podcast called Good Grief, which I am obsessed with.
4:12Kristin:It is a podcast about grief beyond death, divorce, miscarriage, losing a career. And I am just obsessed with Amanda. So we're going to bring Amanda into the studio. Amanda, welcome to After Bedtime. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy to be here. Oh, gosh, I've been following you for a long time. So I have so much to talk about. before we talk about what has happened to you because I feel like a lot of your interviews and a lot of what we're interested is what's happened to you it's your story but I kind of want to know about about you so like Amanda at 25 or 20 uh-huh before any of this happened like What did you think your life was going to look like?
5:02I was living in New York in and out of Broadway tours. So I would like be doing a tour, come back to New York. I had already been a Radio City Raquette. That was I was 23 when I got that job. Had already Broadway debut. That was at 22, I think, or maybe it was after 24. It was after 24. so I was live honestly Chris I was living my dream I was I was making it I was making it as a dancer Broadway I mean when I was six in sixth grade I wrote an essay saying I wanted to be a Radio City Rockette I wanted to be on Broadway so I was living my dream wow yeah yeah how did that
5:46Kristin:happen because you're one of five yeah you're the fourth in the five yes so I don't I don't know anything about this. Like I haven't found anything about this. How you went from a big family of five and you're able to make it to Broadway. And it's even crazier because I didn't really start even singing until I was in high school and got involved in choir. But I wasn't a solo singer. I was like in choir. And then I did. I tried out for the high school musical Guys and Dolls. and I got the part of Adelaide. This was my senior year. And doing that role, I was like, I want to be on Broadway. I want to do this.
6:30And that is very late for somebody to have that realization because most kids I know now have been professional singers now for a long time or voice lessons or grew up in the theater, went to theater camp. And I found that out when I started auditioning for colleges and trying to get into like these stellar universities, Michigan, Juilliard, NYU, Carnegie Mellon. I auditioned for all of them, didn't get into any of them. And I just remember being at these auditions and hearing other people sing and being like, who do I think I am that I can do this like I don't sound like her I could dance better than any of them but I didn't I wasn't rounded out do you know what I mean I didn't have really any acting experience or or singing experience so it was a weird thing to try to do and my brother and my sisters were not in the perform I was the first person to go mom and dad I want to move to New York and be on Broadway.
7:35So it's a journey. So then, but then how? So then, okay, so I -
7:39Kristin:You got rejected from those schools. I got rejected from those schools. I did get into a school in Dayton, Ohio, because I grew up in Ohio, and they had like a pretty good musical theater program. And then I also auditioned for a school in New York City that was a conservatory, two-year conservatory. And I got in there. Wow. And I kept telling my mom and dad, I gotta go to the New York school. And my dad was like, you should go to the four-year college and get a degree and then go to New York. And I was like, but I shouldn't. I was like, I really think I need to be in New York, be immersed in the culture and be able to go see Broadway shows and audition.
8:16And he said to me, OK, eventually he was like, OK. He was like, these two years cost the same as sending your brother and sisters to four-year college. You get these two years. after that you're on your own wow and you'll be 20 years old and you will have no college degree and that's it like that's the equal I I make sure everybody's equal that's it and I was like okay and two days before I graduated I booked my first national tour of a Broadway show wow
8:50Kristin:I don't know that everyone would have made that choice especially you know it's it's it's good that your parents even kind of gave, you know, relented in that way. You know, it's stern enough. I know. Like it's a right in the middle way. It wasn't like a wild belief in you, which would be nice, of course. But like to even be able to say, OK, like this is what your brothers get. So I guess you get this and this is what you get is pretty wild. And then for you to say yes, I know the audacity. Did you just know you were going to do it? I did. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. I love I did. And and I'm very much like that.
9:29Like I have like the weird I've always had like a weird intuitive like notion when I'm supposed to be doing something. It's very like a strong thing that I can't really deny. And so then I just know that it's I know that it's right. And I just knew I just was like, no, I'm going to do this. And also when I know I'm supposed to do something, I'll put the work in. I will go I will go above and beyond putting the work in. So I'm not somebody that's just like, I know I'm going to do this and I'm just going to wait for the phone to ring. Like I know I'm going to do something and I put the work in to get it done.
10:07Kristin:Intuition and hard work. 100%. And did any at any point did that intuition get cloudy for you? Yeah. I mean, I would audition and I would not get anything or I'd get cut. Yeah. Fair. But at the same time, the blessing of getting cut in an audition is that you now know what you need to do to get kept for the next time. And a lot of these Broadway shows, and as you start to learn the process, end up having the first kind of cuts. So if you get cut first round, you know the next time what they're going to do for that. Like it's the same thing. It's the same process. so you can build yourself up again to come back and be better.
10:49So that's what I would do. And yeah, I mean, my first, I booked 42nd Street, but I had been cut from that audition twice before. When I booked the Rockettes, I had been cut twice before. So it wasn't just like this magical, you know, thing. It was rinsing, repeating, relearning, teaching, focus, hard work, again and again and again.
11:09Kristin:And where does that resilience come from? Meaning, like, just repeated rejection, repeated rejection. where a lot of people would give up or waver. I think that was my dad. My dad was somebody who built himself up. He started out as like an assistant at an insurance company and then worked his way up to being the president of the insurance company. We saw him work every single day of his life. He'd come home at six, eat dinner with us, but then go into his office and work. Every Saturday he would work. We would go with him to the office to like play in the office and do our homework. But like just seeing my dad work so hard and like then, you know, earning different, you know, levels up.
11:49I think so. Because I can't attribute it to anything else. I think that was, you know, put the hard work in. He was always like, focus, head down, put the hard work in and you'll see the reward.
12:03Kristin:And then, OK, so shifting a little bit, though, which I can still pick up right now, is you are an incredibly positive person, right? Like, you know that about yourself. You pride yourself on that. Is that who you you really, really are like deep inside and you feel like it was just innate and you were born that way? Or is that something that kind of came from surviving or being through things that you have been through? No, I think it was pretty much, I think, again, it goes to back like how I was raised. And I like my mom and dad always believed in us. They always encouraged us to do, you know, all the things.
12:45They never, you know, made it about themselves or, you know, you should do this or you shouldn't do this. It was always like an encouragement kind of atmosphere. I think, too, like growing up, going to church and having like believing in something bigger than yourself and having faith, I think, also just is a very positive way to grow up and like something that like is just is still ingrained in me. And so, yeah, I think it was just always me. And then I've just been tested to see if it's the actual truth or not.
13:22Kristin:after test after test. So you're like, how positive are you, Amanda Clutes? Well, that's my next question. Like, was there ever a time where you were in one of those tribulations and you were like, there just is no fucking silver lining here. There's no silver lining.
13:44I'm really thinking. Yeah, good.
13:51I mean, I would say the first time I really probably was tested with this was going through my divorce because I just, I never, I never thought I would be divorced at 32 years old after being married for seven years. And I really thought my life was over. I thought I was a washed up old lady who's going to want to marry a divorced woman how am I ever going to find love again and I think there was death that was probably if there were dark days it was then yeah that I I mean that was the first time I had panic attacks first time I was you know depressed it's the first time I ever went to therapy so yeah I would say those were some days where I was like who am I What am I doing?
14:40And like, why, why, why is this happening to me? Hard to find a silver lining.
14:45Kristin:Yeah. OK, well, I mean, that's, you know, relatable to hear that, you know, in those moments, sometimes it's just like this sucks. Yeah. I feel like there's something no one adequately explains to you before you have a baby, which is that your entire day becomes a series of tiny maintenance tasks. tasks. Feed the baby, change the baby, wash the bottle, find the passy. Wait, when did I last eat? When did I shower? And especially for me, having just gone through baby number three, I've realized that you can spend the entire day trying to get through that list. There's so much to do. It is truly nonstop.
15:24Kristin:Or you can find those tiny little pockets inside the list. The moments where I can actually stop and just be with him because there's always something. Someone always needs you. And for me, one of those moments is when I take him out of the bath and I'm putting lotion on him. I give him a full body baby massage. He loves it. And for us, it's not just bonding time, but he has really sensitive skin. The one thing that I've found is Aquaphor baby sensitive lotion makes such a difference. It is lightweight. It instantly soothes and gently moisturizes the dry, sensitive skin. And it turns something that I already need to do into this really sweet little moment of connection.
16:08Kristin:Because sometimes I think we hear bond with your baby and we imagine that we need to create some elaborate, magical experience. And really you don't. Sometimes bonding is just slowing down during the normal everyday stuff that you're already doing anyways. It's the diaper change where you make them laugh and see extra 30 seconds after their bottle. It's rubbing lotion onto those sweet tiny little baby legs of theirs that are, by the way, going to be running away from you in like five minutes, which is not only bonding, but really helps his skin. Like truly, if you have a baby with dry or sensitive skin, could not recommend this more.
16:45Kristin:You can find the new Aquaphor Baby Sensitive Lotion now at Walmart, Amazon, and Target. Visit aquaphorus.com to learn more. There is a very specific version of me that exists at 3 a.m. with a newborn. She has one eye open. She has no idea what day it is. She's holding a screaming baby while trying to make a bottle, and suddenly a task that would normally require approximately four functioning brain cells feels like the SAT. Ask me how I know. It's because this was me just months ago. And anything that requires turning on the giant overhead kitchen light at 3 a.m? Jail. Straight to jail. Which is why I need every parent currently in the baby stage to know about the Mom Cozy Night Pro bottle warmer.
17:34Kristin:This thing feels like someone actually interviewed exhausted parents before designing it. The water tank is transparent and has a nightlight so you can see what you're doing without lighting up the entire house. It remembers your settings, which means you're not standing there entering ounces and minutes while your baby is screaming their head off. And it heats a bottle evenly in about three minutes. Plus, and this is probably my favorite feature, if you start warming it and your baby pulls that classic, actually, never mind, I'm asleep again, it automatically keeps the bottle at a ready-to-feed temperature for up to 60 minutes.
18:10Kristin:And it works with plastic, glass, silicone bottles, even milk storage bags. And then, my friends, there is the other part of feeding a baby, which is the dishes, the bottles, the nipples, the pump parts, all the tiny little things that just fill up your sink overnight. And the Mom Cozy Deep Clean Bottle Washer D8, it holds eight bottles at once and it washes, sterilizes, and dries everything inside out in just one and a half hours. If you are in the infant stage or you know someone who is, you need these Mom Cozy products in your life. Right now, you can get 10 % off the Night Pro bottle warmer and 10 % when you pre-order the deep clean bottle washer D8 at momcozy.com with code biglittlefeelings.
18:54Kristin:But move fast. This deal expires and it's the best price you'll see until Black Friday. So head to momcozy.com and use code biglittlefeelings for 20 % off my favorite Mom Cozy products. There was definitely a phase in my life where I treated sleep like it was optional. Like, sure, I'd love to get some sleep. But first, let me finish 14 things and scroll for no reason and respond to one more email and then I'll crawl into bed. Absolutely wrecked. And now absolutely not. I have three kids, a job, a brain that's doing 700 things at once all day long. Sleep has officially entered the category of we are protecting this at all costs.
19:34Kristin:And I'm gonna let you in on a secret, one life-changing way to make sleep feel better. And it has nothing to do with like 11 steps and a nighttime routine. It's literally just making your bed somewhere where you actually cannot wait to get into. And that, my friends, is all thanks to Bowling Branch. I have loved Bowling Branch for years and years. I cannot recommend it enough. And I know, nice sheets sounds like one of those really boring adult purchases that you hear about. But I am telling you, the first time you get into this bed with these sheets, which are literally the softest thing you will ever lay on, you're like, oh, okay, yep, nope, this is what people mean.
20:16Kristin:But the bigger thing for me is that they're really breathable because there is literally nothing worse than getting into a bed exhausted and then somehow being too hot under your own sheets. Bowling brand sheets are 100 % organic cotton and they're woven specifically for airflow. So the cooling part isn't like, I don't know, some chemical treatment or synthetic technology. It's literally how the cotton is woven. The whole bed just feels more comfortable. I'm telling you, once you switch to Bowling Branch, you will never ever want to sleep on anything again. They aren't that good. Like I notice the difference if I put something else on my bed.
20:50Kristin:I also have the really cute waffle blanket and their comforter and their pillows. Upgrade your sleep with Bowlin Branch. Get 15 % off your first order plus free shipping at bowlinbranch.com slash biglittlefeelings with code biglittlefeelings. That's bowlinbranch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D, branch.com slash biglittlefeelings, code biglittlefeelings to unlock 15 % off. Exclusions apply.
21:46Kristin:in the baby. Expect ultra honest guest conversations, personal hot takes and unfiltered advice where I give it to you straight. No exceptions. So sit down, tune in and take notes every Sunday because the rules of dating may have changed, but the standards higher than ever.
22:08Kristin:I want to shift into Nick. Obviously, we all most of us who are listening watched this happen in real time. I mean, even for me, we're now six years later and I can vividly remember you sharing the story live because it was such a fearful time for everyone. And your story was so close to so many of us who are raising small children, who have our partners that we can't imagine our life without. So my overarching question, since I know you've talked so extensively about that time, is what have you learned and understood about the woman who lived through that moment? Like looking back at you in that moment, going through it, sharing it publicly, hearing seeing all the things happening outside what do you understand now that you couldn't possibly have understood while it was happening in the moment i would say that i i understand now that that is my true authentic self wow like the woman that came out in 2020 is like that is if you want to know who I am that is me and I say that because I have done immense amounts of therapy since that but I also say that because when life is that crystal clear and COVID heightened it right like it's crystal clear if you're going through that when the world is normal when the world is not normal and you're going through that, it's really crystal clear what's important, what isn't and who you are and what you're fighting for.
24:11And you're a new mom with a 10 month old at home. I look back at videos because, you know, Instagram archives everything. And so on anniversaries or birthdays, you know, I'll go back in time and like find stuff and I'll watch videos of myself that I posted on stories like saying like, hey, guys, you know, this is the update today. And and I don't recognize her because she looks so different because grief makes turns you into a different looking person. Trauma and grief. Like when you're going through that, like I'm like, oh, my God, I'm like I'm like Amanda. Oh, my God. Like, you don't even like I don't even recognize her.
24:52But what I what I notice is just true authenticity. And that is something that was such a beautiful gift that I realize now, like how important authenticity is and how grief can really help you find that.
25:10Kristin:I know you have a podcast. Good grief. Tell me again how long ago you've been doing it. August 5th. So just a few weeks. I love, I told you this before, but I love, I love hearing about grief. I love talking about grief. So I'm so excited. Same girl, same. And so when you're researching and you're thinking about this show, that's such an interesting thing that you just said. Is that what you're finding is grief almost strips you back to your most authentic self? It can if you let it. Wow. That's so fascinating. I've never thought about that. and I have to think that that has to be true because there's nothing else in the world you can do except be in that exact moment like you're no longer thinking about the bills and the cat food and the weather and what this person said about you or what that person thinks about you you're just it's this right now this moment right now everything else is stripped away and you're just your most human raw self you're probably not really masking or thinking about what you should be saying what you should not be saying you're not worried that you don't have your makeup on saying it right you're worried that your hair is dirty doing what you need to do how you need to do it yeah that is so interesting yeah wow yeah but also really like good life lesson and great reminder on a daily basis of like what's really important and what isn't important and I think COVID taught us all that though you know what I mean like that was such a beautiful thing to see like Instagram turn into like this help self-help social media center instead of my life is perfect in Mexico in my perfect white dress with the perfect scenery and my perfect hat.
Read the full transcript
27:05Kristin:And your car and your brand new everything like a G-Wagon behind you. In Mexico City like this, which is what it had become. And I remember, you know, feeling like there's no like my life will never feel like that ever again. And also being so liberated by the fact that no one's posting these photos right now because everyone understands that life is very crucial right now it was a really i thought it was a nice like go back to zero on instagram moment you know i feel like we're kind of coming to close to another one like everyone needs to like calm it down a little bit totally like we all showed up in our sweatpants and like the houses behind us were messy and the toddlers were messy and like things were just real and it was great Yeah, and people were like, join my free painting class at noon, you know, or I'm going to teach you how to, you know, do this at one.
28:04It was like such a, yeah, interesting, you know. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think one of the things I really noticed about that time following your journey and your story was there was a lot of policing around your grief and how you were grieving or
28:25Kristin:not grieving, how you were moving on to work or how you were not moving on to work or how you were mothering or how you were just how you should or should not be grieving and living your life after losing your husband. Yes. Does that feel accurate? Is that how it felt for you? Was that you were being sort of policed and watched in every way? Yes. I mean, yes and no. When I remember going home to Ohio, like a couple of weeks after Nick passed away and I did not want to go. Actually, my mom and dad were like, no, you're coming home and you're just like going to be here. And I was like, OK. And I'm a fitness instructor.
29:00I own a fitness company through covid. I was constantly posting workouts, encouraging people to move their bodies. I strongly believe in moving your body for mental health. And I posted a workout of me on my parents' porch. And I'm smiling and I'm happy. And it's like two weeks after Nick died. And there were so many comments about like, I can't believe you're smiling and working out after losing your husband. And I was like, really? Now, I don't do well when people act like fools. So I lash out. It's what happened after the dating thing, too. When I said I was dating again, I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
29:46So like, if you're going to sit on your couch and judge me and act like an idiot, I'm going to come for you.
29:51Kristin:Oh, I love this energy. It is who I am. And I'm good. You know, now, if you're right, then I'll I won't say anything. But when you're wrong. Yeah. Sorry. And these people were wrong because, first of all, fitness to me is, again, like I said, mental health. It kept me sane while Nick was in the hospital. It has kept me sane since being a widow. So to be on my Instagram page doing a workout, encouraging other people to move and smiling. Yeah, for that 20 minutes of that day after losing my husband two weeks ago, those 20 minutes, I was smiling. I probably wasn't before. I probably wasn't an hour after.
30:38But for those 20 minutes and the workout glow that you get after, I was smiling. And I'm grateful for that smile.
30:46Kristin:Yeah. The fact that you even could. That I even could. That you even could. Yeah. Yeah. So something that I love that you talk about, and I wonder if you talk about it on your podcast even, is your marriage with Nick wasn't perfect. Yeah. And I don't know that a whole lot of people talk about that after they've lost someone. You know, like I think it's and even I am really guilty of this. I lost my dad and I'm really guilty of sort of glorifying, but yes, sort of glorifying. And there's nothing really wrong with that, by the way, like celebrating and keeping their name and all of that. But I do find myself sometimes being like, well, that's not actually all the way true, is it?
31:29Kristin:you know yeah so what is it like when your partner your partner passes and you have all of these complicated moments that were unspoken the way that we all have our partnerships right now yeah what is that like then in the grieving process when there's there's so much that wasn't said there's still some animosity there's there's resentment there's all those things that are still left on the table? Such a great question. And it's very multi-layered. So I'm going to try to remember all the layers that I want to address because this is a good question. I haven't talked about this a lot on my podcast.
32:06Right away, it makes me remember how all the fights that Nick and I would have are just so dumb. And you just regret all of them. And if I could take all of them back, I would. And we would fight and over dumb stuff. And like we wouldn't talk to each other for like a whole day. And we never like, I don't know. I mean, it was never like yelling and screaming. I don't really remember that. But we would fight. And, you know, we could just get on each other's nerves. And I just hate that like I only got five years with him. And I just hate thinking that any of those years and any of that time was fights.
32:53It's so sad. And it has been something I've also realized in now living alone with my son. I don't fight with anyone anymore. I realized this like a year after Nick died. I was like, I haven't fought with anybody. I don't fight with Elvis. I don't fight with my friends. I don't fight with my family. like wow like I don't fight with anybody anymore isn't that lovely and it made me really like think about how my next marriage like I really I know I'm not saying it's possible I know I know I know I'm just saying that my goal is to not have that in my life I really come to appreciate peace and joy.
33:37And that's what Elvis and I have together. And if we can do it, then I can do it with somebody that I'm going to marry. So that's the first thing I will say. The second thing is, I went to this therapist early on. And he was a chiropractor, but he does like energy, like cranial sacral stuff. Like it's a lot like he's not cracking you. It's like a car. I don't know why he even calls himself a chiropractor, but his name was Dr. G. He's here in LA. And he was so interesting. And there was one day I was really, really sad. Like in the beginning, any therapist I went to, like I was already crying whenever, like if I was sitting at your table or in a chair, I was already crying before you even said, I'm so-and-so.
34:20Who are you? And he looked at me and he was like, can I ask you a question, Amanda? And I was like, yeah. And he was like was your marriage with nick perfect and i was like no and i was like not at all and he was like did he annoy you sometimes and i was like yeah a lot of times and like did he get he got on your nerves and you guys would fight i was like yeah and he was like don't forget that stuff too he was like because in grief like we we immediately remember all the wonderful things And we get so sad about those things. He was like, just remember to balance it out. And I was like, he was like, I know that sounds weird.
34:58He was like, but just try not to idolize the person that is gone because it's just a scary road to go down. And I really, till this day, appreciate that. And we'll give that advice to other widows or widowers that I talk to because I'm like, I know it sounds weird to say this, but like, just remember, they weren't perfect. Like you didn't have a perfect marriage. Nobody does. Not to say that you can't grieve it. But you know what I mean? It just was like a nice little like, yeah, like, don't make it so hard on myself all the time. Right. You know?
35:32Kristin:Yeah. And idolize and sort of have that that idyllic thing. You'll never have it again. Yeah. Sort of dehumanizes what the relationship was or what the experience was. that you'll ever feel that way again because it's gone forever rather than like this this was a real you know back and forth it had a challenge yeah but I will say in this sixth year in the anniversary of his passing I was like going through old photos putting together like an Instagram reel as you do and I was like putting all these things together and I was like my god I had a good one Like, even though I said all what I just said, I this year really like looked at him and was like, God, he was just so unique, like uniquely him.
36:29I'll never find anyone like that again. And I'm not even trying to. So that's also the other thing. But I really appreciated, not for the first time, but in a long time, how crazy and kooky and weird and wonderful and lovable and not lovable this man was. He was so cool. He just had a cool factor about him, even when he was not being cool. So that's why I said that question is so layered. because I think the road of grief teaches you so many things about that too.
37:12Kristin:Yeah, absolutely. Do you know what I absolutely do not need more of in my life? Decisions. I make approximately 9 billion decisions a day. What are the kids eating? Who needs what? What are we making for dinner? So when I finally get time to work out, I do not want to arrive at the gym and be like, hmm, what should we do today? No, no, no, no. Please, for the love of God, somebody just tell me what to do. And that is why the Ladder app makes so much sense to me. This is not just like a giant library of random workouts where you scroll around and you pick whatever looks good that day. The Ladder app gives you an actual strength training plan created by a certified coach.
37:55Kristin:So every week you get a new plan that builds on what you did before. so your workouts actually connect instead of randomly just doing legs because you saw some woman on Instagram doing a Bulgarian split squat and thought, sure, I guess we'll do that now. And while you're working out, you have in-ear coaching guiding you through your sets, cues, form reminders, motivation. It basically feels like having a personal trainer in your headphones without needing to coordinate another human being's schedule with yours. The app also reminds you your weights, your reps, your sets, which I love because otherwise my workout tracking system is basically, hmm, I feel like I used the medium heavy dumbbells last time.
38:38Kristin:Ladder remembers everything. And best of all, and very importantly, you can choose the kind of strength training that actually works for you. Pilates or bodybuilding, dumbbells at home, hybrid strength, kettlebells, which I love. you can train at home or at the gym. And that's the key. You've got to find what really works for you because that's the only way we actually show up and stick with something consistently. And Ladder makes that really, really easy to do. Remove the guesswork with Ladder and get a real coach in your ear telling you exactly what to do for every workout. No thinking, everything planned for you.
39:19Kristin:If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit.blf and take a quick quiz to find your perfect ladder plan. Use my link and get a free seven-day trial with no credit card and$10 off your first month if you join. I have decided that one of the biggest scams of adulthood is that apparently, in order to relax, you first have to do an enormous amount of work to arrange the relaxing. Like, I would love a vacation. Do I want to research flights and pack for three kids and remember 17 chargers? Somehow transport everyone through an airport and sleep somewhere else? Well, sometimes, but a lot of times, no. I would actually just like to sit next to a pool for several uninterrupted hours.
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43:36Kristin:Like, I can own 40 options, but somehow I'm still reaching for the exact same sweater for work and the exact same dress when we go out on our dates and the exact same bag that has inevitably become a carrier for snacks and wipes and tiny little cars and 17 other random objects that don't belong to me. That's the chapter I'm in. I love it. And let me tell you, the things that I reach for consistently are from Quince. Their stuff has become some of the most worn pieces in my closet because it feels elevated without being so expensive. And the pieces I have from Quince hold up ridiculously well over the years.
44:14Kristin:I can actually like live my life in it. One of my biggest repeat offenders is my Quince sweater that I've worn for work meetings and interviews and podcasting. Basically, anytime I need to look kind of put together and like I'm trying a little bit harder, but I still want to be really comfortable. It is the dream. The magic of quince is that they take everyday essentials and they make them in premium materials like Mongolian cashmere and organic cotton and washable silk. Yes, washable. And they are designed to be timeless, not something you buy because it's like trendy for six minutes, and then you never wear it again.
44:49Kristin:And the crazy part about it is they cut out the middleman. So you are not paying for that giant markup. You're getting really amazing quality at a really amazing price. I'm obsessed with it. My mom's obsessed with Quince. Find the fall pieces you'll reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash BLF. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash BLF. And I'm curious because you're saying you're like, I regret having fought. I regret having the resentment. And it's probably over what we all have, which is like the dishes and the diapers and the ordering and just the dumb shit, just dumb shit.
45:37Kristin:So in reality, and when you go into a new relationship, do you really think that it's possible to eliminate that because you have the perspective of wait this shit doesn't matter i mean maybe not all conflict because conflict will come up and conflict is healthy but the bullshit ones like do you really believe that that's possible yeah i do now i do for instance like i remember this one fight nick and i were like going to the pediatrician and I was like doing the stroller yeah holding the stroller pushing pushing the stroller what do you do with strollers a long time pushing the stroller and I don't know why I was I was high and mighty pushing the stroller but I was and he like tried to take the stroller and I was like I'm pushing the stroller and he was like I want to push it and I was like While I'm pushing it.
46:33And we are walking to the pediatrician, Central Park West, fighting over who is going to push the stroller to the pediatrician's office. Like this is marriage with kids. It got so heated. We didn't talk for the rest of the day.
46:53Kristin:Yeah. Because of who was going to push the stroller. So, yes, I would love to think. that in my next marriage, I've grown enough in six years and done therapy enough to go, push the stroller. Thank you for taking that load off of me while we walk to the pediatrician. That's so nice of you to want to push the stroller because I'm going to have to feed and change him later and you can't breastfeed him. So yes, please push the stroller. Yeah. Yeah. So I'd like to think yes okay good yeah i report back i would love to know that would be amazing one of the biggest things i want to come out of interviewing you is i know there are many people who come to our page who listen to the podcast who have lost somebody close to them many have lost their spouse some have lost their children just unimaginable losses and so if they are in the thick of it right now?
47:51Kristin:Like there's no way out. This is the cloud. This is the grief. It is dark. It is insurmountable. Yeah. What is the number one thing you would say to a woman who was in your position? Yeah. Well, I will say what I did and what I did was I would just focus on doing one thing that day to find joy one that was my task I could lay around the house and cry for the other 23 hours and 56 minutes but for four minutes I was going to find joy doing one thing wow and sometimes that thing would last like I said for four minutes or a minute sometimes it was a two-hour joyful thing but it was that one thing a day and it really really helped me in the beginning because you're so lost you're so sad you're so woe is me you don't want to talk to anyone no one really has the right things to say anyways you're so in your head that it just was okay this is the one thing i'm gonna do and it did really help me it's a great it's a great i don't let anybody i just cried a lot i didn't lose a partner i didn't lose a partner i lost my dad but cried a lot yeah in my sweats but you can you know what i mean you can cry you can cry like i said cry for the 23 hours and 58 minutes, but try to do one thing.
49:32That's the two minutes that makes you smile. One thing.
49:35Kristin:Yeah. Maybe that's just going and standing outside in the sun and letting like feeling the sunshine on me. I must be a lizard. Like that makes me smile. Me too. That could be my joy that day. Totally. Sometimes it is my joy. I go sit in my, my front yard and just feel the sun like warming my skin it brings me so much joy that's enough yeah absolutely i want to get into spirituality because apparently recently you're getting a little more into it where you're you're connecting oh i've always been very yes no this has always been a part of me yeah okay and nick had nick started coming to me in signs when i was in ohio two weeks after he died really oh Yeah.
50:17Kristin:Okay. First of all, have you read the book Signs? Well, that's how I knew how to start asking because I read only chapter one of that book. Are you serious? And at the end of it, I was like, and I intended to read more, but I am not a really big reader. And so there's that. Not proud of it, but I'm just going to be honest. That's okay. And when I read that and then I started asking for signs and I started receiving signs, I was like, well, I don't need to finish the book you did it by the way it's laura lynn jackson she's amazing and her book is signs and i'm obsessed with it too it is yeah i need to finish it or start it again i think it's the same gist but i don't i mean i read it in like a day because i was just i tore through it yeah it seems so two weeks after he passed yeah you did you ask for signs or he was starting to show you signs no i asked okay in that book she says you have to ask yeah and you have to be very clear and you have to be like, you know, don't just say, show me a butterfly.
51:17Show me a purple butterfly with polka dots and it's in my face and I can't get rid of it. You know what I mean? Like so that you really know it's a sign. Yeah. Yeah.
51:26Kristin:Isn't that crazy? My sign the other day and my husband make fun of me right now, although he's getting a little more into it. He's a little more open to it because it really happens all around. But the one I did the other day was a cat wearing a pink cowboy hat because it has to be so specific you know at first you're like a hummingbird and you're like well is this a sign or is this a fucking hummingbird and then you're like when you see a cat with a pink cowboy hat on you're like that's you that's something at home good you know if i just i could just like hack my way into it by going to home goods i have a such a you want me to tell you a good story so i finished reading that book and i decide to ask for the geico gecko lizard because Nick had put it on his vision board that I made him make in January of 2020.
52:16He had a couple things, only a couple things on this vision board. Of course, mine was packed. His was a huge cutout of RuPaul and the Geico Gecko. Okay. For what purpose?
52:29Kristin:We don't know. To this day, okay. Don't know. Could just be for science, I guess. And like something else, okay? It was like those three things, okay? so I'm sitting at home in Ohio and I had just shot the people magazine no no no hadn't done that yet Nick was on the cover of people magazine the next day so I go that night I asked for the sign the next day I drive myself to Walgreens and I get the magazine I don't even have the courage to look at it or open it i just go buy it yeah and i'm at the counter and i'm buying it and the man says to me like oh my gosh like i i know you are like i followed your story and he was like i'm so sorry for he was so nice and i was just crying buying this magazine yeah i go home i go up to my room i put the magazine on my bed and i just leave it there okay and then i go do my day whatever I come to get ready to go to bed at night and I forget that it's there and I take the bed covers over and the magazine falls and on the back cover of Nick's People magazine is a huge Geico Gecko ad and I was just like are you kidding me like of all the ads that could be on his magazine.
53:59On the back cover. On the back cover. It's the Geico Gecko. I know. And so then I was just like, I was sold. I was like, okay, then we're asking for signs. We're in this now. We're in this now. We're in this together.
54:12Kristin:I love that. Do you still connect with him? All the time. Okay, that's amazing. All the time. Do you pass that on to Elvis? To your son Elvis? Yeah, he does it too now. He's like, we get in the car. He's always, you know, yeah. It's a sign from Dada. Like, oh yeah. he's yeah this is going to be a really not easy segue because now i want to talk about harry jowsey randomly i feel like this is your story you know where i'm like i don't even know how to go from here to here it's true and it's just you you know where i'm like there you go how are we going to go from grief to ghosts slash angels and spirits to now harry jowsey i love it it actually does flow and you'll understand why.
54:51Okay. Tell me. Exactly. Well, there's a grief connect.
54:54Kristin:So that's what I want to know. Like, how does this happen? Why does this happen? Why are you on? So Harry Jowsey, by the way, for the listeners who don't know, has a new Netflix show. It's like how Mary, Mary Jowsey, Mary Harry. He's an eligible bachelor. And I saw you pop up on the screen and I wasn't even watching it. I was watching like a trailer and I was like, oh, what, what on earth is she doing there? What the heck? So tell us. Yeah. What is the connection here? We had met very, very briefly at a charity event because he was there with my Dancing with the Stars partner, Alan Burstyn. So we met quickly.
55:29Then he came on the Tyler Henry show that I was hosting on Netflix as the celebrity guest. So we reconnected on the Tyler episode. I'm so jealous. I know. It was so fun. Tyler gave him this really great reading that day that was really about like, this is not who you are. Like you're meant for some really great things. And like you have a really beautiful purpose in your life. And and Harry had cried on it because his friend had committed suicide. Like he and I was like hosting and I was just like, who is this man? Like I was really judging this man really wrong. Like he's a vision board. He's a manifester.
56:07He works hard. He's like he's, you know, talking about his friend. Like I saw this really like beautiful person. So after that episode, I like go up to his manager and I was like, can I be on Harry's podcast? because like we could talk about all these things and Dancing with the Stars and this show and blah, blah, blah, blah. I did not know anything about his father. So I go on his pod. We have a great chat. And then afterwards he comes up to me and he's like, before you leave, he was like, I asked you a lot of those grief questions because my dad's dying and I'm leaving tonight to go to New Zealand and he's going to take the drink to pass away.
56:42And I was like - Oh, it was before. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, Harry. and so then wow i just kept voice noting him while he was in new zealand asking about everything that is happening he's voicing me back i'm offering any kind of help i can we become like these really good friends through grief so not a weird segue so not a weird it all comes back it all comes back
57:06Kristin:and connection and being authentic and being vulnerable yes and being vulnerable like he's so vulnerable. He has such an emotional side to him. And so now knowing him, it's so not weird that he would have asked me that question and just been like, hey, I'm going through this. And it sounds like you could help me. He's really good at that. And so, yeah, we're an unlikely pair, but actually really get along and love each other. He's one of my favorite people. I love the guy. He's a really good person. And I do feel like he and I don't I haven't followed his journey that closely just because I'm old and you know he's a little on the cusp he's a little bit on the Alex Cooper younger side yes but I do feel like there's been a shift since his dad passed which is what sort of happens with grief where you're just like wait a minute what do I want to do with my life what am I doing with my life how am I treating others how do I want people to treat me I feel like there's been why am I just dating all these girls who's the one my dad will never meet my wife now my dad will never meet my kids now like a lot all of those things and they are real and yes does he still mess up yes he's 29 years old girl if i had a camera on me at 20 something you know so you can say but like he's really good at saying like both can be true yeah yes he really does want all of these things and on a daily basis he is trying to be a much better human being and grow and learn and evolve.
58:34And he is Mr. Self-Help book at the same side. He is still a 29-year-old man in Hollywood. So it is, you know, it's a journey. But he's the first person to say, I'm not perfect. And he's not. But he's a great, great friend.
58:49Kristin:I love that. I love that. I'm going to shift into rapid fire because we're almost at time, which I hate. Rapid fire. I hate rapid fire. Let's do it. I love rapid fire. I do too. It's my favorite part of the podcast. I love it. All right. What is something you believed about grief six years ago that you now know is completely wrong? That you could heal from it. I really thought that like one, I really thought when I lost Nick, this is going to be bad, but I'm going to get through it. I'm going to survive and I'm going to like heal. And in three years, I'll probably be remarried and have more children.
59:25And I will have like figured out grief, like conquered it.
59:31Kristin:And I have chills. I mean, again, I did not lose a partner. I cannot, you know, that is not applicable at all. But I was just so naive and thought I was like, well, I'm going to take six weeks. Yeah. And I'm not joking. Like had it on the calendar of like, these are my six weeks, you know? And I thought that was really noble. And I'm going to grieve. I'm going to grieve. And then I'm going to be great. Yeah. And that is not how it goes. That is not how it goes. What is something people say to grieving people, especially a widow, that we should retire immediately? Oh, my God. There's so many. And you can name a few.
1:00:11Many. Yeah, name a few. Especially a widow is a good one. You know, you're young. You can find, you'll get married again. You'll find love again. Thank you. Might be true. I hope so, but not helpful at this time. The other one I would say is, you know, you're going to have to get over him in order to love again. And that is also absolutely not helpful and not true. That's like saying, I can't have another child because I won't love my first as much. Yes. Or if you lost a child, God forbid you'd have another one because you still have to love the first one. Yes. Or you lose a pet. You can't get another pet because that means, like it's so wrong, but it is placed on widows and widowers all that time.
1:01:10Is that something common? Very common. Wow. You can't, you're never gonna, you know, well, you'll find it, you know. When you like close the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. and what I've really started to like get the message out is like no no no my heart is very big yeah and has lots of chambers and Nick will always have one of them and I hope somebody else has another chamber too it is not something I ever have to get over nor will I ever get over
1:01:43Kristin:I will sing that man's praises till the day I die oh yeah what is on the other side what are the most helpful thing somebody could say to you as a widow? I would say it's not things you say. It's just showing up. I, the best example, because I had Elvis, right? He was one. I had four friends that we ended up calling stroller buddies and they were couples. So two couples. And while Nick was in the hospital, they started this. And then after Nick passed away. They continued it for a year. Wow. They would show up and take Elvis on a walk. They would walk into my house. They would get the stroller.
1:02:26They would grab Elvis. They would not talk to me. They would take my son and they would give me an hour to the dot. They'd come back in an hour and it was my time they didn't care what i did how i used it i love that but they took my son for an hour it was the they showed up wow no advice no nothing needing to be said nothing just here i am yeah in fact when they did have to ask me a question they would be like amanda we're so i'm so sorry we have to ask you this question like and i'd be like oh my god You know what I mean? But like it was purely we are here for Elvis. We're not even here for you.
1:03:11We're here for Elvis. Yeah. Like don't think this isn't about you. Yeah. This is my hour with Elvis. Although I'm sure.
1:03:16Kristin:Yeah. And that's what they told you. But secretly it's like also it's giving you the hour without putting the pressure on you. Exactly. But that's what it was. They took the pressure off. Great advice. Yeah. What does Elvis do that is so Nick that it either freaks you out or you just love it? When he will stay up till like 1 a.m. watching a documentary. Oh, my God. At seven? And I let him. Oh, he would do that at four. He would be watching like drummer documentaries at age four. And that's so Nick. Oh, it's so Nick. Nick would stay up till the wee hours of the morning watching a documentary. Oh, my God.
1:03:47And then the other thing is Elvis will just like zone out and just like lay down and just kind of like zone out. And that's so Nick. I used to call it Fantasyland and I would drive the bejeejus out of me because while Nick was in Fantasyland, I had done five fitness classes and taught a retreat and written a book. And, you know, I'd come back and I'm like, you're still in your pajamas, laying on your bed, looking at the ceiling. And he'd be like, babe, I've been in Fantasyland. And I'm just like, and this wasn't even like assisted by weed. It was just Nick being in Fantasyland.
1:04:24Kristin:Just being Nick. Just being Nick. Yeah. this is what are you still scared to want I don't know if I'm scared but I maybe I am scared to want it but I'm not I don't know if I would say want it I'm more so scared of if it will ever happen but like I've never lived in a home with like a partner and my child right and I'm 44 and I've had two husbands right like I've never come home to like my family where like my husband's in the kitchen cooking and I greet my son and we all like sit down on the couch together and watch a movie or like wake up and like I'm making coffee and he comes down and we spend the morning like I've I've never had that so I'm not scared to want it I think it's more so like scared that like will that ever be my life?
1:05:20I want it to be, I hope. But it's like, it seems so far away. And I've gotten so used to living the opposite way that it's scary because I'm so comfortable living the other way. But it's still like wild that I grew up in such a family. My dad, had, you know, such a wonderful mom and dad, marriage, kids, family, home, home, home, family, how important it is. And then I've never gotten to live it.
1:05:55Kristin:The vulnerable answer. I'm sure your son, by the way, sees your home as home, home and family, but I hear you. It's like in the way that you had it and you imagined it. That was your plan. And having two marriages. Like it's so weird. I know that music is super important to you. it's your background is I have two questions one is there a song that helped you with grief continues to help you like there's just something that sticks out or some kind of ballad that just really connects you to the moment and then my second question is about your podcast music choice which I believe is Nick's Nick's song okay so tell me about that okay yeah so So moving the first answer, there's kind of many because so many songs are signs now from Nick.
1:06:50Yeah. So like Prince was Nick's favorite musician and he would sing Purple Rain at any chance that he could. And I'll never forget the first time I heard Nick sing Purple Rain at a charity event. I was like oh wow like that man can sing like he and he like even though he was six five and 220 pounds he really took on Prince's like mannerisms and you know Prince was I think like super short and super skinny so like the exact diabolical opposite of Nick so Prince music if it plays, I listen to the radio, if it's in the car, if I'm in the car and it comes on, I'm always like that just is like an immediate grief comfort because I feel like that's a sign.
1:07:44Yeah. Nick did a one man show April of 2019. And I was not necessarily the most supportive of this idea because at the time he was not working and it was going to cost us a lot of money in order to do this. And then he did it and he wanted to hire people to be there to record it, which also cost more money. And I was also not a fan because I was pregnant. I wasn't working very much. I was going to go into pregnancy leave. He wasn't working. So I was on like money management mode. and all I kept seeing was the dollar signs out the window well it was recorded and then after he passed away his musical director from that show has like friends in this record recording agency and they turned it into a cd and it was on spotify and it was all like they did it they just did it They were like, can we do this in honor of Nick?
1:08:58And I was like, thank God, yes. It was one of those things where they just showed up and did it. And that album has saved my life. It's Nick singing a bunch of different music. And it starts off with, all night long, all night. And then it goes, and as each song in between, he tells his life story. so not only is it just an album of incredible songs but then it's Nick singing the songs and then it's his life story thank God he did that one man show thank God he didn't listen to me thank God he ignored that I was like this is costing us way too much money because now Elvis can hear him speak hear his life story he talks about us being pregnant and welcoming our son into the world.
1:09:47Elvis lights up every time he hears that part. Is this when Dada talks about me? He always says. And it's just like my most treasured album. And for a good long time, that first year of grief, it's like pretty much all I listened to. Now, the podcast comes around and I have to pick a song for the podcast. And I'm like, what am I going to pick to match like good grief. Like it can't be sad. It can't be happy. I got to find this like middle of the road song. And they give me this like non licensed music website to look through. So I'm looking through this website and then it dawns on me. Nick had a band called Crater Destroyer in Toronto, one of his many bands that he had.
1:10:32But there were two songs that during COVID I really started to like love and listen to. One was We Need a Miracle. The other one's For It All Fades to Black. and I was like ding ding and I found it and I turned it on and I was like this is it's perfect and then I was like not only is it perfect the perfect tone the perfect everything but it now I get to have Nick with me every single podcast which I wouldn't have this podcast unless he had been in my life. And he had, you know, given me such a beautiful gift. So yeah, music is a big one.
1:11:12Kristin:Amanda, I could talk to you all day. Thank you so much for having me. Just loved. I loved having you here. I loved everything you talked about.
1:11:48Kristin:Thank you.
From the publisher
If you watched Amanda Kloots during the early days of COVID, you probably remember her story. Her husband, Nick Cordero, spent 95 days in the hospital before dying from complications of COVID-19. Their son, Elvis, had just turned one. And Amanda was suddenly living a life she never, ever imagined for herself.
But this conversation isn't just about what Amanda lost. It's about everything that comes after.
Six years later, Amanda sits down with Kristin for an incredibly honest conversation about grief, motherhood, resilience, love, and what it means to keep building a life when the one you planned disappears.
Amanda opens up about something we don't talk about enough: you don't actually "get over" the people you lose. You don't have to stop loving them in order to love someone new. And finding moments of happiness doesn't mean you're grieving them any less.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- The tiny rule Amanda swore by to get her through her darkest days
- Why the best thing her friends did after Nick died involved almost no words at all
- The advice she'd immediately retire when talking to someone who's grieving,
- Why she refuses to pretend her marriage was perfect just because Nick is gone.
- Her perspective on what grieving people ACTUALLY need
We also talk about the signs Amanda still receives from Nick, raising Elvis with his dad's memory woven into their everyday life, her unexpected friendship with Harry Jowsey, and the part of her future she's still scared might never happen.
And maybe the biggest takeaway: grief and joy aren't opposites. You can be devastated and laugh. You can miss someone forever and still want something new. You can deeply love the life you have while still grieving the life you thought you'd have.
You'll leave this episode with a completely different perspective on grief, what it actually means to "move forward," and how to show up for someone you love when there truly are no right words.
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