Burnout: Why You Feel Exhausted (Even When You're Doing Everything Right)

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. If you feel exhausted all the time, even when you're technically getting sleep and you've tried rest, you've tried breaks, you've tried deep breathing, you've tried everything and nothing is touching that baseline of burnout, this episode is for you. Today, Dina and I are breaking down the science of burnout and not in the you should go take a bath kind of way. We're talking about what's actually happening in your body and your brain, why the usual advice doesn't work, and how to finally complete the stress cycle, okay, which is something not a lot of us even know about, this stress cycle and how to actually close it.

0:47We've definitely never been taught how to close it. And so today, we're talking about what's actually happening in your body, in your brain, in your nervous system, and why the usual advice doesn't work. Let's get into it. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process.

1:33Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here. Dina, hello. Hi. Hi. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hey. How are you? I miss you living here. Oh, I saw you yesterday. We see each other literally all the time. Still miss you. Then you flew home. And I will also see you in two days at your house when I sleep at your house. but I also miss you too. I miss you too and relevant to nervous system burnout.

2:18I mean, Los Angeles, man, that burned out my nervous system on that run. It's like this city is crazy. It is a crazy city. It's so hard. There's so much driving. It's the cars. It's honestly just the cars. If you can stay in your own little pocket, the weather is nice. It's nice to be outside. But if you have to step into your vehicle, it is chaos. You have to time your entire day around the traffic and how long it's going to take. And it's going to take at least 40 minutes, by the way. And then, you know what the biggest curveball was that I completely forgot about, but makes a lot of sense? Tell me.

2:57Kids falling asleep in the car on the long car ride. It It happened all the time. It could have been 9 a.m. Okay. They slept a full night, 9 a.m. It could have been 4 p.m. They're falling asleep left and right in the car. And I was just like, guys, guys. I don't have this problem. Oh, my gosh. They were really tired. Yeah, they were very tired. Yeah. You guys are also spending it, but in a good way. Like, it's vacation. I'm proud of you because I think old us would be like, we have to have. And this is, by the way, if anybody is doing this, it's not a problem. But we have to be back at nap time just so.

3:31We have to have bedtime just so. And I think, you know, it's great both ways. I'm going to be very honest because back when I was doing that, I think we all were a little bit less tired, to be very fair, right? Like when you stick to your routine and your schedule, but you're not living life as much. You know what I mean? Yeah. We were at the beach any second that we weren't working. I would like pack them up, take them to the beach, go have fun in the sun. And then they were falling asleep in the car because they were tired. Wow. Makes sense. Like a 5 p.m.? Like a 5 p.m.? Yeah. Oh, girl. That's the one I'm talking about.

4:07Did they go to bed? No. At night? Oh. No. No, that is the problem. Put that together. I did not put that together. That's the problem. The bedtimes were crazy. And I am so happy to be back here in my calm, quiet city of Denver. Just live in life. Well, I'm excited. That makes me happy, too. And I'm happy to be here. Besties, I moved to California. For those who don't know what we're talking about, after these three minutes of talking, I moved to California. Dina is in Denver. She also comes to California all the time. And I go to Denver all the time. So really nothing has changed, but we are talking about Denver and California.

4:52But we're talking about the move and Dina's visit. That's really relevant to this episode because we're talking about burnout. And I low-key feel like I've been burning out since 2020. Has anybody not been burning out since 2020? Things just change. The whole life just flipped on its head in so many different ways. what I'm looking at bestie is just Dina's eyes closed you know just like things changed man they just changed like if you weren't pregnant you'd have a cigarette hanging out of your mouth like change I have this huge I have a huge t-shirt on right now too I'm like I'm the big Lebowski just pregnant you know what I mean

5:35we've survived a lot our generation we really have okay so we've all been burnt out since 2020. If nothing else, we've all been stressed since 2020. And I don't know that any of us have really ever been taught how to break this cycle of burnout and or stress. Exactly. And same, I thought stress was the problem, but stress is actually normal. Stress is part of life. And what we're not taught is how to end stress, how to close the loop. And that's the part that's missing. That's the part that makes burnout so real and so, so dangerous. And so today's episode, we are actually going to teach you how to end that stress cycle using the work of Emily and Amelia Nagoski.

6:27I'm sorry if I butchered your name, if it's Nagoski or Nagoski. Okay. Authors of the book Burnout, The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. This book was amazing. It changed my life and it brought this work into the mainstream. Thank God. we're going to apply it today to those of us with little kids, okay, and just kids in general, because I think closing that stress cycle is paramount. And it's incredibly hard for those of us who have kids that kind of need to live in a constant state of stress and demands. If your body just ever feels like it's kind of stuck, right, like you're literally frozen, but your brain cannot turn off, it's just going a million miles an hour, you are not lazy for being stuck.

7:13You are not ungrateful for feeling overwhelmed in this chapter of life. You're probably burnt out. And it also doesn't mean that you don't love your kids or your life. It just means your body is stuck in an unfinished stress cycle and it's trying to save you. Before we actually get into this episode, let's talk about what burnout actually is. Because burnout is such a buzzy word right now. We're all saying like, we're burnt out, I'm burnt out, I'm burnt out. But what does burnout actually mean? Burnout isn't just feeling tired and burnout is not just, I kind of need a break right now. It's something deeper.

7:53And honestly, burnout is more dangerous than that. And from a psychological standpoint, burnout is defined as emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, a reduced sense of accomplishment or efficacy. And I'm kind of laughing because, man, that reduced sense of what? You're burnt out? I thought that's why you're laughing. Because you realize like, oh, shit. Like, oh, man. No, it's that reduced sense of accomplishment. Like, damn, if that doesn't resonate with me when I am burnt out, like nothing feels like anything. You know, all the good stuff just feels like relief. Anyways, it's not just about being overworked.

8:38It's the long term result of chronic stress without relief. And you just can't recharge. You can't reset. You feel numb and disconnected, irritable, just like you're failing, even when you're doing your best.

8:54After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings is brought to you by BetterHelp. I don't know about you, but my Instagram feed is a whirlwind of cold plunges, gratitude journals, screen detoxes, dopamine hit hacks. It is truly a wellness hack central hub and it overwhelms me and it kind of makes me feel bad about myself. It's also really hard to know what's true and what actions I actually should take and what's the most important thing to do rather than just being bombarded with all of this advice and I get too overwhelmed and I do nothing. So instead of trying to do every single wellness trend that exists on TikTok, I am using trusted resources, talking to live therapists so I can get personalized recommendations and that helps me break the noise and make me feel good about actually doing something for my mental health.

9:46BetterHelp makes me feel like I am making a difference in my personal well-being. My mood is better. I feel like I am just empowered to be the best version of me. And that's really what therapy is about, is trying to better myself, become the best version of me for my kids, for my husband, my everybody in my life, but also for myself. Just being in a really, really busy world. It's important to be able to stop and learn positive coping skills, remember how to set boundaries, and really just dive into all the stuff that we don't have time to dive into. With over 30 ,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

10:29And it works with an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5, based on over 1.7 million client reviews. It's convenient too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10 % off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash feelings. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash feelings. Sleep Number's new collections are designed to adapt to the changing nature of your life and your sleep needs.

11:11Whether it's the personalized comfort of the Comfort Mode mattress, the targeted pressure relief of the Comfort Next mattress, or the climate collection that actively cools or warms to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. And now, all beds are on sale during our biggest sale of the year. Save 25 % on the new Comfort Next Luxe, plus free delivery on any mattress. Ends Monday, only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com. Okay, so here's how I knew it wasn't just being tired, okay? I was sleeping enough and my kids were sleeping and yet I still woke up bone tired. I was getting time to myself.

11:52I really was trying to do all the things that you're supposed to do, you know, self-care, fill up your own cup, get dinner with friends, but I still felt numb. I couldn't access joy. I honestly couldn't really feel anything. And that wasn't tired. That was burnout. Yes, exactly. You feel emotionally flat or disconnected from your kids or your partner. Okay, so let's do a quick rundown of symptoms because I think so many of us can relate to this. But you feel emotionally flat or disconnected from your kids or your partner or your friends. You have a short fuse and you feel guilty immediately. I'm sure that resonates with so many of us.

12:33You fantasize about escape or disappearing, not like in a dramatic way, just, you know, wanting to kind of disappear type way. You feel like you're doing everything and just nothing is working. Oof. Or here's another one. You dread the day, even when there's nothing necessarily quote unquote wrong. That's not tired. That's your nervous system screaming at you. I have had enough. Now here's the science. Burnout isn't about the presence of stress. It's about being trapped in it. Stress is a biological cycle. Something triggers your nervous system like a tantrum, a deadline, overstimulation, and then your body jumps into action mode, right?

13:17Your heart rate goes up, cortisol spikes, your adrenaline flows. You're supposed to come out of that stress state after the stressor passes. This is a really important part. But here's the thing. In modern life, especially as a parent with kids, you rarely get the full cycle. Think about it this way. The tantrum ends and then your partner asks you where the wipes are and then your other kid spills something and now you're making dinner while your body is still in just like DEFCON 1 mode. You know what I mean? It's thing after thing nonstop. The wipes part is what just got me. My cortisol just went through the roof when you said something happened.

13:56And then the partner's asking where the wipes are. And then the dog is peeing on the couch. And then somebody throws up. And then you get a work ping on your phone that's like, hey, can you hop on a call for three quick call for three minutes? Boop, boop, boop. And so Emily and Amelia Nagoski call this the stress cycle. And they explain that you can't solve burnout by removing stressors alone. You have to complete the stress response in your body. Rest alone doesn't always do that. Sleep doesn't always do that. A glass of wine definitely doesn't do that. So I, in the past, was doing this all wrong.

14:36And when I read their book, my mind was blown because I thought I needed to rest more. I needed to sleep more. I needed to take a nap. I really needed to do a bubble bath. And it just was not working. So what you do need are specific actions that tell your body you're safe now. The threat is over. Finishing the stress cycle is how you actually recover. And for parents, especially moms, completing this stress cycle is so hard because even when I do get a break, okay, speaking for myself, I can't relax. Even though I am a type of person who is very tired and I will lay down. I know not everybody will.

15:20You know, we have a friend and she is just always like puttering around and doing something. That's not me. But my brain is fucking puttering around. OK, even when I am resting, my brain is spinning. My body feels wired and I am just like, OK, well, now we got to go to the camp and then we have to get the sign up and then we have to get the diapers and then we're going to get the wipes. Oh, my gosh, we have to do this. And then we have to do that. Even when I'm resting. Right. That parenting stress, it's so invisible and it can be chronic. There are no clear like on-off switches. You're constantly anticipating needs.

15:56You're managing emotions, multitasking. Oh my God, the multitasking. Your stressors, they stack. And most of them don't have a defined to end point. Plus, moms in particular are often socialized to quote unquote, be grateful to put themselves last to do everything with a smile on your face and have zero needs and to carry the invisible load without complaint. Now that leads to chronic dysregulation and emotional suppression, which fuels the burnout. It's like being in a marathon that you didn't train for, you didn't sign up for and there's no finish line. And you're also expected to smile, pack snacks and never yell while running the marathon.

16:40And you pack the snacks I don't like anymore. Oh no, did I peel the banana the wrong way? Now we're going to give you six science-backed ways to complete the stress cycle. We are going to end burnout, my friends. It is possible even while running this marathon. Yes, let's talk tools so you can actually feel better. Because this is the good news. You don't have to overhaul your life. You don't need a 10-step plan. You just need to send your body a signal that that threat is over. You need to close the loop. Okay, let's go into tool number one here. It's movement. So 20 to 30 minutes is great, but even honestly 30 seconds helps.

17:26Run, shake, dance, punch a pillow, like whatever you feel like doing, whatever you can do, move your body like the threat is still in it because it is. This is so easy and so quick to do. So we're talking about the second something stresses you out, the second that your kids are overwhelming you, go into the pantry and just shake it out like Beyonce is playing. Okay. I will literally turn on a song if I'm feeling overwhelmed by signing up for a school camp and be like, okay, I'm going into stress. And after I've done it, I'll close the loop by turning on a song LCD sound system. And I will dance to it and have some sort of movement for five seconds.

18:05Just move when you are feeling stressed. You know who does this really well? Dogs. They literally, they literally, I'm not even joking. They literally shake and then they move on. You'll probably notice it. Okay, tool number two, breathing. We say this all the time, and it's so woo, and I hate breathing. I say this on every podcast episode, but we're going to say it because it works for most people, by the way. Okay, so slow, deep breathing, especially longer exhales, activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the one that helps you calm down, and it tells your brain that you're safe. So you can try something like four seconds in, hold it for a second, and eight seconds out.

18:51And if you've ever told your kid to take a deep breath or to use one of their coping skills, but you refuse to do it yourself, honestly, same. That's me. But I'm going to tell you something. I shit talk breathing all the time because I tried for so long and it has started to work some of the time. So I am I am doing it. I'm trying it. I do feel like the exhale being longer is maybe the key for me and the counting because before it was just like, oh, take a deep breath. and I just take a deep breath and feel nothing. But if you actually do it with intention, they're like one, two, three, four in, and then eight out.

19:28I hate to admit it, but it actually works. The third tool is positive social connection. So even a quick text to your bestie, you know, someone who really gets it, just something like, hey, checking in, or like I see you, or a 20-second hug can help your nervous system reset. We are wired to co-regulate. This is really hard for me because A, like we've talked about on other episodes, I wasn't necessarily somebody who was comforted as a child when I was upset, right? I was alone a lot. And so when I'm upset or I'm stressed out, the last thing I'm going to do is sort of reach out to somebody else and either say, I need a hug, I'm having a hard time, or even just talk to somebody.

20:09I'm going to want to withdraw. but that instinct is really unhealthy and it actually can complete that stress cycle when you fill up your biological need to be around others. I love this tip too because shame lives in the shadows. It lives within us when we just hold that stuff in, but when we connect with someone, that's so healing. Okay, tool number four is a fun one. laughter, like real full body laughter. It releases tension. It completes that stress cycle. And honestly, yes, memes can heal you. Oh my God. So when you're sending me a bajillion memes back and forth and I'm sending you reels, this is actually us healing.

20:54Did you get the goat one I sent you today? I sent you baby goat scoops. Time to bottles to drink. You're going to love it. I'm so far behind on yours, Dina. I probably have, I don't know, 125 of yours. And now they're piling up. So I have to admit, I have not seen the, but now I want to go see it. This makes a lot of sense because I feel like I do calm down after I've only been scrolling the things that you sent me. Not like scrolling in general, because that obviously is not the best tool. But if you've sent me something funny. Also, stand-up comedy specials. I have noticed, right? It's like an instant hit of sort of dopamine.

21:30mean? And I've never actually used this tool when it comes to stress. Like if I'm feeling really, really stressed out, I need to close the cycle and get some laughter in. Yeah, it can be a conscious tool now. I love it. I love it too. Okay, tool number five is one of my favorites, comes naturally crying. We all have in this generation the urge to shove crying down. I still do this all the time where I'm trying to shove it down. It's so hard to remember that crying is healthy. Girl, if you need to cry in the car while eating a granola bar and staring into space, you're healing. That's the good news, okay?

22:05That is what healing looks like sometimes. And a full crying session, 100 % completion. Your body is doing the work for you. So let it happen. Let it flow. I'll never forget when I told the very first therapist that I had that I didn't want to cry after my dad died because it hurt my head. It gave me a headache when I would cry. And I never forget her saying when you cry, it is a release and your body will feel better. I mean, every time it feels so bad right before you're about to cry and you're like, no, no, no. And then you let yourself do it. It's like a pressure release valve. Well, the science of it is there's calm down chemicals that release in your tears.

22:46So please do cry. Dina, what is your number one go to product right now? like for your kids in general. I'm very curious. Oh, I have one hands down that comes to mind because my kids, well, one of them have very sensitive skin. So do you know about Tubby Todd? Girl, I love Tubby Todd. Oh, yeah. I learned about it, though, from actually all our like BLF community, like the one who first recommended it to me when I was like having major issues a few years ago with my kids. And it's been a game changer. I feel like I got into it in the newborn stage, right? It's like all that weird skin stuff. And same.

23:27It was like and also other influencers, I think, would post it, not because they were like actually even being sponsored posts. They were just literally talking about how amazing they were. And I obviously will do anything anybody on the Internet says. And they were right. Hubby Todd is a bath and body brand for sensitive skin little ones and the parents who care for them, trusted by over one million families. Nice. There's like the viral whatever, you know, the lotion, you know, I'm talking about it's like the all in one tubby Todd and that everybody has to have. You just have to have it in your house.

23:57I use it. I also really like their face sunscreen, to be honest. Have you ever tried their stick, the stick face sunscreen? We have it in our house right now. It's the best face sunscreen, hands down. It's easy to get on. It is easy to get on. And what I'm going to say also is that the ingredients like they're gentle. You can use them on eczema prone babies, which is what my kid was dealing with when he was a newborn. It's literally just magic in a jar. Exactly. Did you know it was actually, I know this for a fact, founded by a mom dealing with eczema and sensitive skin with her kids. We have to extra support her.

24:32I'm so glad that we are sharing this on the pod. I love moms. Me too. But I have to say like, because I'm about to be like right back in it And I feel like I have a very high probability that I'm going to have a baby who has really sensitive skin, skin issues. Like I dealt with it for months, honestly, with my first one, it was at least a whole year now that I'm thinking back about it more. It is just so stressful when you are dealing with that and you see your kid in pain and you're like, what do I do? Where do I go? Nothing is working. I mean, this was one of the things that actually worked and it like saved our lives.

25:09So I'm stoked. So what I'm saying is immediately after this, I'm going to write it down. No, I'm not even going to write it down. I'm just going to go do it. I'm going to stock up on Tubby Todd because Lord knows I'm going to need it. And we're so lucky that we were able to get a code for our BLF family. We love Tubby Todd. And if you want to try Tubby Todd, you can use the code Tubby Todd. Big Little Feelings 15 at tubbytodd.com for 15 % off your first order. New customers only. Tubby Todd is a bath and body brand for sensitive skin, little ones and the parents who care for them trusted by over 1 million families.

25:46Visit tubbytodd.com and use code tubbytodd Big Little Feelings 15 at checkout for 15 % off your first purchase. That's T-U-B-B-Y-T-O-D-D.com and use code tubbytodd Big Little Feelings 15 for 15%. Sleep Number's new collections are designed to adapt to the changing nature of your life and your sleep needs. Whether it's the personalized comfort of the Comfort Mode mattress, the targeted pressure relief of the Comfort Next mattress, or the climate collection that actively cools or warms to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. And now, all beds are on sale during our biggest sale of the year. Save 25 % on the new Comfort Next Luxe, plus free delivery on any mattress.

26:27Ends Monday, only at a Sleep Number store or sleepnumber.com. percent off. And tool number six here is creative expression. So think journaling, drawing, singing, writing. Creating helps externalize emotion and it signals release. And let's be really clear here that your creative expression, whatever that may be, your drawing or your writing or your singing, it doesn't have to be good. That's honestly what stops me from doing this. And I'm sure many adults, how many of us are ever singing or just drawing or do like to know that this is going to complete a burnout cycle. Let's do it. You know, they have those adult coloring books.