Celebrating 10 Years of Marriage - Not the Anniversary Trip We Expected

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome to another episode of After Bedtime. I am sitting here with VP Hype Squad, my husband, post, what do we want to call this? Post... The accident. Traumatic event? It wasn't an accident. Well, you accidentally smashed your head into a planter on the ground. Emergency? Sure. Medical emergency. Medical emergency. So we're sitting together for the first time. in two weeks we haven't sat together yeah we have i mean for a podcast it's been longer than two weeks is this what it takes to get back on the show is that what it takes that's what i'm about to that's what i'm about to intro is that hello besties welcome to this very special episode that was supposed to be about our 10-year anniversary.

0:55So we went to Palm Springs for our 10-year anniversary. Lovely trip without children. And we brought our podcast equipment so that we could do an episode. 10 years of marriage, a trip to celebrate. We were going to share 10 lessons that we have learned over our 10 years. It was going to be light and easy and reflective. And then... The universe was like, psych, bitch. then and now we're gonna get a little more serious there are moments that split your life into before and after and this episode might get a little bit emotional but when i found tyler bleeding outside of our hotel room well from the hotel bleeding from the head as the headline said i it definitely became a before and after moment the before you think you have time the after you realize, holy shit, I don't have any time.

1:49Now is the time. We were supposed to be recording this and having this episode on a nice, relaxing Palm Springs daybed. And when I found Tyler outside of our hotel, and we'll get into what happened, in that moment, everything in my body went cold, dissociated. I mean, the worst going through my mind. And because suddenly there was a question that I had never let myself ask. What if this is it? What if it's over in this moment? And I have to be honest, it went through my mind many, many times. Not in that when the EMT showed up, when we were at the hospital, it was terrifying. And what ran through my head was, what about all of the things we've been putting off and all of the conversations that we said we'll get to and all of the tiny resentments and the stupid fights and I haven't even been able to apologize for those?

2:39And what if this is how it ends? And the only thing that I could think was none of this fucking matters. Like, I don't care about any of it. Not a single thing we've argued about, not the tone, not the timing, not who was right. The only thing that matters is that he has to be okay. He has to be okay. And whether or not I was about to lose the life that we built together. So this episode has shifted a bit. This episode is about 10 years of marriage, but really it actually became about what becomes painfully clear when you're forced to face how fragile all of this actually is. We're just going to catch up after that, huh?

3:24We're just going to catch up. That was casual, right? Catch up. Here's the deal. I love going to our daughter's softball games. You know that. I think the people were expecting to find out what happened in more detail in Palm Springs. But I'm with you, and I would love to talk about softball. So here's the thing. I love going to the games. Me too. During the weeks, there's no hot dogs at the concession stands. Oh. And I love hot dogs. Of course. I can put them down. But they only have them on the weekends. But her weekend games are at like 9 a.m. And listen, I would house some hot dogs at 9 a.m.

4:01Just not available. The timing is not the problem. The availability is the problem. They don't have them in the weeks, during the week, and they don't have them on Saturday morning. So, you know, I love to go to softball games. I'm probably just gonna have to start bringing my own hot dogs. I have an alternative solution because I always go into problem-solving mode instead of validation mode. Instead of listening. This is a listen or fix. Would you like a listen or a fix? Honestly, I would love a fix right now for my hot dogs. See, this is great. So I feel like because the softball is in the suburbs, and do not confirm or deny this, there's probably a Costco somewhere in the vicinity.

4:34Okay. And I'm just going to say it's what a dollar, a dollar hot dogs. I'm just going to say like you go to the warmup, you know, or like right before you either drop her up, pick her with you, get a hot dog before the game and just load up, get like three, four hot dogs, bring them to the stands. You know what I mean? I just like show up with six sodas. I'm just like, I just got sodas for everybody. Yeah. Definitely didn't buy six hot dogs. Cause it just comes with the soda. You don't even want the soda. You know, I brought sodas for the team. Don't worry about how or why. Or the fact that I'm showing up and giving your children soda.

5:07Don't worry about the 12 hot dogs. There were no 12 hot dogs. Don't worry about it. No one's getting a hot dog, but you're all getting a soda. They were out of hot dogs. I regret to inform you. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, we were in Palm Springs. Okay. We're going there. Yeah, we're going there. I don't even know. I don't even know how to like segue into it. Yeah, you just did. That was good. That was good enough. Yeah. like the before and after thing is like wild like i i joke about like a lot of things at all times and this is one that this is like something like i can't i can't really find the humor in it too much like we we joke about a little bit but like i have not thrown down some like oh that was in poor taste jokes about this even though it happened to myself because it is so it was like it's such a fragile like event in our life and like there was so so many different ways and so many different reasons this could have happened and like to be clear we still don't know what happened and it's like we could get into all of it but we're not going to HIPAA you know how it goes can we start just in like under a minute for anybody who doesn't know what happened in terms like in under a minute we were on our last day of a wonderful 10 year anniversary together no kids thank god the kids were not there thank god you weren't alone with a kid because you take care of the kids a lot so like thank god you weren't alone with one of our kids yeah and that happened good lord i had just come back with coffee i thought i was gonna throw up because i felt really dizzy you felt also by the way really off from the minute you woke up and all through the night not that we have to like completely describe every minute but you were like terrible night really not okay yeah just as soon as you woke up and we're like oh that's weird you were like really off i thought it was just because i had a terrible night of sleep so i felt really off was progressively getting like dizzier during the morning which is super abnormal thought i was gonna go throw up so your shirt was soaked in sweat though even before you threw up too there's like so many warning signs beforehand i know no i'm saying is also like your shirt being completely soaked in sweat happened before that was like the least of my problems but i'm saying i think it's weird it's like a signal you know a signal that something's off and wrong i didn't feel good i felt dizzy that i was gonna throw up went to go throw up got super dizzy couldn't hold on to the planet and just started like planet the planet like if i let go of the planet i would have shot into outer space i i don't follow but go ahead it's you know you know you know okay so i was holding on for dear life and then just kapow kablamo kelly kelly kapowski right into this metal planter with my face yeah and that was not great no and then i was like oh i'm bleeding a lot a lot i was like my face is very wet right now and then you know want to know like classic tyler yeah i was i opened my one eye okay and i was like see all this blood and it did Yeah, but I was like, whatever this is, I don't want it in my eyeball.

8:03You watch the movies. You don't want blood in your eyes, right? Sure. So I open my eye. I see all this blood dripping off of my face. And I go, oh, I'm dripping it on the planter. I need to move forward. So I drip it onto the dirt instead of onto the planter. That's so you to just be like, I'm sorry. I don't want to inconvenience you with the planter. I felt really bad. I was like, the hotel probably paid a lot for this planter. I don't want to get blood stained. Meanwhile, I just want to tell you that there's blood. And I don't want like squeamish besties. I'm sorry. but there's blood fucking everywhere like it's a pool of blood on the bottom there is blood all over the planter his sunglasses are split in half like there's blood everywhere and i really didn't know all of this happened by the way and i'm not there for any of it he's all alone and then in this time like there's convulsing happening there's by the time i do get out there and find him and he's with other people from the hotel thank god he's convulsing even more they take him off to the to the ambulance which is absolutely the that whole moment was just like the moment i was talking about before where it's like time slowed down holy shit is this about to be like the moment that i am traumatized for the rest of my life and everything changes in this second he goes to the hospital even that is traumatizing like he said he couldn't talk for like 10 hours his eyes are closed for 10 hours it was just a really really really really traumatic scary event yeah i mean in the moment i was just kind of focused on like my face hurting but like as that subsided i was like holy cow like this could have been so much worse and like yes this was a terrible accident but like i am so fortunate regarding the circumstances and the causes and like won't get into like all the details about like what we do and don't know about why this happened but they did an x-ray of my head and there was no tumors or brain swellings or signs of concussions or signs of a seizure so while there's still like a lot of unknown around this which itself is scary because i'm like oh could this potentially happen again like that's not you know that's kind of scary to to have that lingering but at the same time there's so much stuff that got ruled out that i'm just incredibly grateful for thank god yeah thank god we didn't know that for a while too so that was like really scary just like living in it for eight hours and like you can't open your eyes and you can't talk and or like barely talk like mumbling we have no idea what's like in there what's not in there what's happening that was the most terrifying yeah and it my arm like and my collarbone and my face and surprisingly i only needed stitches and even the the doctor the er doctor was amazed that like i didn't break any facial bones or my collarbone because especially like there was an impact on my collarbone that was like quite severe and very lacerated.

10:53And he was like, I have no idea how this is not broken. So again, like just, I feel super fortunate and I can't even joke about it because like, I know other people do not come out of this so lucky. And so I don't even want to, want to joke about it because of how fortunate I was in this situation, regardless of how scary it was for Kristen and myself. Terrifying. Not good. Terrifying. Wouldn't recommend it. EMDR immediately for me immediately finding you straight to EMDR. Jesus. Oh my God. Okay. So are you ready? Do you want to go into the 10 things we've learned in our 10 years of marriage that got shifted a little bit based on this like big event of being like, oh, all the shit that I thought mattered before maybe doesn't matter as much.

11:39Yeah, I'd definitely like to jump into that. Let's jump into it. I don't know if this ever happens to you, but I have these moments where I just randomly walk into my house, look around and have like a full identity crisis. I'm like, is this my style? Was this ever my style? And whenever I have this little identity crisis in my home, there is one place I go and it's Wayfair. It is the first place I go when I need to do a little upgrade. I need to tie a room together. They are officially having way day at Wayfair. And this is not a casual sale. This is like up to 80 % off fast and free shipping on everything.

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15:47I also have one right now in a high traffic area, which is our front door, and it has proven the test of time. So if your house is like mine, where life is actually happening, there's spills, there's messes, there's just chaos, you need this. Machine washable rugs made better. For a limited time only, our listeners get 10 % off and free shipping at tumbleliving.com slash blf. That's t-u-m-b-l-e living.com forward slash blf after you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them and please support our show and tell them our show sent you i don't think that we're sharing this from like here are the research backed gotman institute to make your marriage better and also for the besties listening this is just completely anecdotal of like five things that I have learned in being married for 10 years and you, the five things that you've learned in the five years of being married.

16:46And we're going to share that. 10 years of being married. And it could be wrong. I love the word anecdotal. You do? I love it too. It's so satisfying. Whoa, like the sound of it? Yeah. Not like there's the other word that's like where you're circling. Perseverating? Perseverating? I hate that word. Yeah, me too. That's terrible. Oh, just like how it feels? I'm going to think about it a lot. about we're making autism jokes a persevering joke because we're making fun of autistic people reviews reviewers it's because tyler has autism shout out reviewers that don't listen to the whole thing we love you reviewers only if you're leaving thumbs up and five stars i feel like most people do for you so that's good it's just like one time that we like didn't disclose that you have autism and we were like laughing about something autistic and then you know i understand how somebody could get there where it's just like what the fuck are you guys making fun of autistic people no i'd probably be pretty miffed okay i'd be miffed i don't know what that word is it's like upset it sounds sexual mildly upset miffed miffed okay so 10 things we have learned in our 10 years of marriage we each brought five things neither of us have shared what the five things are fun fact is that i prepped my five things which is you know i do prep for the podcast, actually.

18:05I don't prep for anything else in my life. And Tyler is freeballing it. Is that right? Just like our marriage. So if you're listening to this, whether you're married, partnered, or just loving someone deeply, I don't know, even your cat or your dog, I think you'll honestly hear yourself somewhere in this because this is not a polished advice, how to have a perfect marriage. This is just us being together, learning and sharing what we have learn. We've been married for 10 years, but how long have we been together? Like 16 years. That's a lot. That's a lot of years. That's a lot of years. I am looking out for when we cross the threshold of more than half our life, which is not far away.

18:44Whoa. I got chills. Actually, we only have like a year left. Can we celebrate that? Yeah. Could you not have a medical event on that one? We'll see. No promises. Okay. Do you want me to go first or you go first? obviously I want you to go first of course you do I don't know why I asked I need you to set the stage because if I go first you're gonna be like that is not what I'm looking for at all I want you to not base it off of mine though I'm going to no so you go first but my own stuff I want you free ball it all right number one I have learned to appreciate the moments where we frustrate each other oh but like in the not the ways that like oh you keep leaving the toilet seat up not you that would be a me thing that would be weird if you did that you actually don't do that I don't do that never never done that 18 years it's amazing i don't maybe no like a couple times no a couple times never but the times when you're like really ribbing me like ribbing do we do we say that in the new millennia ribbon like where you're ribbing me when like it's like a playful joking but like very bothering but like at the same time you still can like tell the other person's like not angry about it yet you're getting there this doesn't make sense what's a way to describe it this might be why i asked you to write them down it makes sense in my head okay go back to what you said because it was really good what was it and then go and explain did not explain what you actually said out loud you said i learned to enjoy the moments where or you aggravate me it was something else but it was different no it wasn't aggravate it was like where you were not getting along or something like that yeah i oh oh oh oh here's a good way to describe it okay when there is like when we are frustrating one another and then one of us just makes that slight slight as you like to say bid i do say of humor in that moment where we know we're on each other's nerves severely and it could snap at any moment and one of us will slide a little teeny joke a bit for connection a little bit joke connection in there yeah and then accepting that because that's a fun one that's a fun bid to accept i agree with you is that try to find the levity in those like more difficult aggravated moments it's not gonna work every time but when you can like that's that's a joyful experience i feel like i think for me it's learning and by the way this comes from couples therapy as well because this is a literal gotman thing is when you are having conflict somebody has to be the first one to make either a bid or to make a timeout so you're not always going to get a bid and that might be fine but someone's got to be the person in a conflict to either say hey we're getting too heated i need a time out i need 10 15 minutes or whatever and they respect it or somebody has to be the first one to like drop the rope and make a bid you know that bid for us a lot of times is humor or sometimes a lot of you know the bid can be hey i'm sorry that's harder in the moment that one's probably not happening but be the first one to make a bid and that is one thing that has taken us a long long, long time and that we are still very much in progress on, but that we didn't even have the language for before.

22:04And we weren't even trying. The conflict just goes and goes and goes. It's over stupid shit. But the bid and noticing the bid and then accepting the bid. I love that too. Yeah, that's a good one. Good one. I have one that was similar to that. So I'll just I'll pivot all the way to that one. Instead, it was my number three. Okay. Okay. The way we talk to each other when we're stressed matters more than when things are good. Yes. You have to think about that for a second. And I don't know that I always thought that either, especially at the beginning of 16 years. There's so much of this sort of fantasy, but it's so much easier.

22:45It's so easy. And conflict might happen here and there. And this before kids and stuff like that. And you have to really learn and evolve and grow to be comfortable with conflict and comfortable with stress because it's part of real life. So I very much used to think, and I think you were in the same boat too, where it's like, if there is conflict and if there is stress in a marriage or relationship, it's like something's wrong. Like this is over. Everything is over oh my god you know going to this worst case scenario because i think that's what was modeled to us that might also just be how we viewed relationships because we never saw a successful relationship so we thought like oh relationships are more or less perfect and if something is awry then like 9-1-1 it's over and i think through couples therapy through learning what other people's marriages are like which none of them are perfect every single one of them has conflict and stress in it and you're not getting the details you're never getting the whole until You start opening up and talking about it, though.

23:46And then I did learn that stress is so normal. Conflict is so normal. But how, going back to this, how you talk to each other during the conflict and during the stressed moments matters more than when things are good. And that for me, again, just like mind blowing, mind blowing. Anybody can be patient when they're rested and unregulated and happy. That's easy, but it's not real life. And there's kids crying and you're overstimulated and you're touched out. And the way we speak to each other there, I think being very, very committed to trying to be better in those moments. That's what I've learned.

24:29We're not even get those moments perfect, but we're trying really hard to speak better to each other in those stressful moments. And you mean like speaking kindly and not like aggressively with one another yeah or even if things start to get aggressive because that's conflict then it's like how does one snap out of it how does one ask for a time out how does one become the bid like we just talked about how do you handle then also how do you handle the conflict after you know or when you are stressed we are very good i would say about about not being below the belt so we do a really good job with that i will give us major props major props we have name called each other one time each i think in our entire 16 years and it like which is remarkable destroyed both of us when it happened it was like what it was very surprising and shocking both times i feel like yeah we are very so even though what you and i have we'll just be very honest with the besties is just like we're always pinning to be right we just can't let it go what we're trying to do is be understood we're just trying to be understood we want we want each other to understand how we're feeling so we're just going back and forth and back and forth and leveling up and leveling up however I will say that the way we speak to each other in those moments I am proud of because we do not go below the belt and then be we're really really committed to furthering our sort of conflict style of getting better and better and better at handling those moments yeah I think that's another really great thing is that we've made wait is this your second thing or is this okay we're just spitballing go ahead we're just spit we're just rolling with it is that we do have a commitment towards slowly but surely improving our communication and our conflict style yeah over time which i'm proud of and it's not perfect there's still room for improvement but this does lead me into like my number two oh great is not personalizing everything in our conflict is this all going to be conflict no all 10 not for me this is it might be for you because it's a surprise.

26:37You don't know what your other four are. This is why I need freedom. This is why I need to be able to expand my wings. Is that what they say about birds? Spread your wings. Spread my wings. Yeah, damn. How did I get that one wrong? Expand your wings? Expand my wings. I think you could also expand that. Stretch my wings. You need some mobility. Mobility exercises. Anyways, is not personalizing things in conflict. Is that very often I think through life experiences is that when there is conflict, that it is about me personally as a person deep down the core of my personhood, when it's not. When it's about when we should take the trash out, when the dishes need to be done.

27:20You making a comment about when I should be doing the dishes or when any, see, I already personalized it. When we should be doing the dishes as a family, I'm like, goddamn, I am just a piece of shit. yeah and that's not the conversation but then so how it goes is i'll be like very objectively and i'll always do the gotman thing too and i'll be like hey because i know i know based on your trauma it always goes to that place but like something objective right where it's just like hey dishes are out of control and i don't say it's like you or dishes are out of control we should try i don't know switching off every other night or something like the thing you go to a place of like i'm a piece of shit she's calling me a piece of shit i'm awful i'm the worst husband and like spiral and shame on the inside and then what comes out then is like you are so critical i can't do anything right and you know and then you snap back and argue and whatnot Then we go to Argue Town.

28:22Argue Town. Okay, so that's great. Not personalizing. I think not just from me, but also in general. But this is regarding our relationship. Well, this is about our relationship. Yeah. No, it's everything. If someone stops at a yellow light, they're doing it because they hate me. Yeah. No, it's like a real... I'm just talking about in our relationship. I'm trying to be personal. Real problem. Meanwhile, I am just like nothing is about me. Oblivious. Oblivious. Not a single soul gives a shit about me. So unbothered. And then every once in a while, you'll remind me or somebody will remind me and be like, you have like three and a half million people that follow you and care about you.

29:04And I'm like, word? Some people do or like, you know. I do because I experienced that firsthand. Yeah. Like after the accident and you posted about it. and then like the thousands of comments and well wishes and text messages and dms like tens of thousands lord i know it's it was incredible i really actually felt that and took that in too i have to say that that was fucking insane that was fucking it felt so good me wow people care about us so shout out even even if you didn't say anything or any like if you just saw that and you we're like damn that sucks i appreciate you no really it really it really actually did like it meant a lot to me yeah so okay so you take everything like personalizing and that's because of and we don't have to like trauma a little bit of autism i don't know i think so right well we'll find out we'll report back personalizing everything i've learned to depersonalize conflict you're trying to learn what i'm learning to i'm aware of trying to learn yeah all of these things are like our conflict works in progress but we did not have any of this knowledge before our marriage can you believe it we didn't know this when we were 20 but it's good because we would just think like oh you're an asshole and i'm a this and you're control and now we actually have the language and the wherewithal to understand our patterns and understand how we're showing up and how we're communicating and what we're learning that's what this is about okay so that was your number two in the moment of seeing you in the hospital like for the very first time and you looked rough like rougher than you did outside like it was terrifying you took a picture and i was like don't show me that that looks it's terrible it's literally guys like if you saw this it looks like he's one step away from death i'm not joking it looks bad really bad it looks bad it was so traumatizing.

31:00So in that moment, this is what came to my mind was these small moments. So my number two is in our 10 years of marriage, what I have learned is that it's actually not about the big moments. I'm always, you know, always planning and always doing this and always thinking like, oh, we got to do this big thing. And when you go to Disneyland and what about spring break trip and all of this. And in the moment when it was just like, oh, shit, and you're getting like images flashing through, I'm going to cry. I hope I don't cry, but I might cry. It's like, I'm seeing Tyler with our kids and he's doing like the wrestling thing that he does with them that only he can do on our couch.

31:47And the sun is in the background and the kids are laughing hysterically and he's like shaking them and then throwing them and they're all laughing hysterically. and that's what came to my mind was just these little glimmer moments it was like I was like also a flash of just like holding a hand on a walk and I'm sure on that walk with the kids in front of us somebody was melting down before it I'm sure there was something horrible that happened around it but I was picturing all of these just like micro moments and and none of them were from paris or from some elaborate big thing every single one of them was just this these small moments in the kitchen in the morning a glance the small stuff is the big stuff that we take with us that is beautiful and it leads into like what will be my number two no no my number three three so my number three is appreciating the small moment wait but you don't have a list already so are you just saying but you're just copying don't worry about it at this point i'm like wait a minute i was like oh how serendipitous we have the same list and now i'm realizing you don't your point was your point was the big stuff doesn't matter and my point is appreciate the little things very two very different things like well you know you want to talk about before and after and like after especially in those like immediate days after is like those were the things I was noticing with you and with the kids and like with friends and family is like those small moments like the like you know walking with our kids or you know sitting and cuddled with you and like how your skin feels and how your hair smells and like those small laughs from the kids or how they say daddy or you know noodle you know noodle came into the mind he was such a sweetie when we came home he was so gentle and he's been like such a recuperatory dog that's not a word it actually probably is anyways like a support dog but no it's like noticing and then i've been noticing them when i'm like out on my walks with noodle is like the sun feels great like take that in like this smells nice take that in and like appreciating the things for what they are and that's something i've was trying to even work on in the first place but that's like just even put it more into focus after the incident the accident the incident we need a we need a rebrand of a word i may have like a the accident the event train wreck i don't like the event the train wreck okay i'm moving on to the next one number three right for me number three for you I can't wait to use it for my number four so let's hear it so I can start planning I wish you would have prepped a list because like I kind of wish that there was you would normally probably say such different things than me no I actually have a good one for the next one and I'll do it you go first okay I'll go I'll go into my see wait then that puts me at number four four and you at number three I don't care I don't care we're we're the bosses of this do you know that I'm second in command here i can do almost what i want almost i can almost do whatever i want i bet maybe go ahead don't be afraid to set boundaries i've learned to not set i've learned to not be afraid to set boundaries if that's okay if i say that is that a joke i think you were being real though i think you're a great actor wow in so far as making sure my needs are met my wants are met and oh did i take it without even knowing it no but this is so weird when we sat down for this episode besties listener i sat down and i was like fuck i had a really good one in the car and it's like more important than all the other ones that i wrote down and i have to do it and then i forgot it and i was like well it's gone that's what it is and then you just said it and it's not about boundaries though it's about needs so go ahead i'm gonna go ahead and steal that follow up after you finish talking.

35:53Yeah, I bet. Go ahead. Is it took me a long time for personal reasons to prioritize myself. But it was also important, I found in our marriage and for anybody's marriage, prioritize yourself. Don't be an asshole, but take care of yourself. And I put that off for a long time. And I'm in a place now where I'm able to say like, hey, I'm going to do this. This is what I'm going to do for me. It's not even a boundary with you, which is funny that you call it a boundary. I mean, I think that's good because it feels that big to your body. It's like just saying when I'm literally saying like, please, what do you need?

36:31What can fulfill you? What is going to make you better? I will do anything. And you're like, I am going to walk noodle at four. And I'm like, great. And to you, that feels like a boundary. The problem is, is that like, like when you're like, what do you need? And I'm like, a walk. And you're like, what else? I'm like, a trip. halfway around the world there's like i still make both happen so i know but there's like no in between yeah there's no in between well we're working on it what is the in like 30 seconds or less what's behind this why do you have such a hard time saying prioritizing your own needs i've always been a people pleaser i've always been a people pleaser my attachment type has been all fumbled up so i'm like what's your attachment type for the besties that don't know i got that anxious attachment type what does that mean for the besties that don't know what anxious attachment means besties do you ever feel like your partner is more important than you and you have to do everything in your power to please them and make them happy even if it's to your detriment congrats you've got anxious attachment diagnosed officially officially by tyler by tyler you're diagnosed now okay anyways it took a while to where does that stem from childhood dog what I could we remove the dog and the and the I don't know what you said before this you know where I'm just like asking you a question and it's always ending yeah like if you just removed the last word you're saying amazing things right now you can okay so it came from your childhood you formed an anxious attachment correct anxious attachment is when you are borderline fear in fear that your, well, your parent, but then becomes your partner is going to leave you.

38:20You're not good enough, things like that. So you need to really please and ensure that the other person is going to stay and you'll do like anything above and beyond above and beyond to my own and you have no needs and you have no because you learn that your needs are a burden. Yeah. Okay. so that that's been really transformational to to shift that and be like oh kristen's not going anywhere if i go take noodle for a walk at four o 'clock instead of like 9 p.m you know yeah and the irony is that because of the attachment style and because you put your needs last the irony if i may on this podcast and i know what's coming what's it coming you're an asshole You're a dick.

39:08You're a dick. You are kind of a dick. You're a dick. So it's like it never made a whole lot of sense to me on the surface. And then when I view it from a literal therapy standpoint and zoom out and it's not the two of us, I'm like, oh, this makes perfect sense. But as a human being in it, I'm like, this makes no sense. You're telling me that you're prioritizing me or the kids so, so, so much. But we're also begging you to like, don't do that because it doesn't feel good. You're being a dick. You're showing up. You're disgruntled. You're irritated because you're not filling your own needs. Like, can you go fill your own needs and then come back and be fulfilled and patient and happy?

39:52you know it's a real the anxious attachment style is a real by the way i'm avoidant so i'm i'm like not a great person either by the way i got a lot of work to do but it's such an interesting dynamic because it's like it's like a circle a cycle you know yeah and if you're anxious attached there's a there's a strong chance that your partner is avoidant avoidant attached so yeah enjoy there's many wonderful books on this by the way i highly encourage anything with gottman is great pia Melody, another great resource. A very intense one, if you're ready for that. Yeah, it's a very, it's a good one though.

40:26So my piggybacking off of yours, so you did four, which is great. So my epiphany in the car, one of the biggest things I have learned in 10 years of marriage is that you have to have two whole people in your marriage to have a happy, healthy, successful marriage. And so one person or both people cannot be in their minds giving, giving, giving or opposite taking, taking, taking or be super over concerned with the other but not at all concerned with themselves, unfulfilled in themselves. You have to have two whole, healthy, fulfilled people in a marriage or a friendship, I would argue, too, in order to have a healthy dynamic between the two of you.

41:19And we both found that out, you know, a few years ago and have been really working hard, especially you, Tyler, on on the becoming whole and becoming fulfilled, because that's harder for you since you put everybody else's needs first. Yeah, I mean, that's like super insightful, because the things we're working on individually are the things that lead to that whole personness and so you see like those bits about like oh not personalizing things yada yada oh not you know doing this or that all of those parts that like are showing up in conflict those are all part of a larger wholeness for myself so like by working on those parts of myself that are deeper not flawed but just like issues that need to be worked on that's what will help relieve the personalization of everything.

42:12So once we kind of realized showing up whole is what will, you know, take care of the other stuff in our relationship has been super insightful. But that's like the taking care of yourself, like instead of just taking care of Kristen, like doing those things, that's part of it. That's that work towards that wholeness. And I don't know that this is like that common of knowledge. Like I really for a long time, it was like, let's fix us. Let's fix us. We need to fix our marriage. We need to fix our marriage. And not that it was in, again, like this detrimental mental state, but just of being like conflicts or this or that.

42:40It's like, what is going on with us? And we really didn't take that much of consideration or it just wasn't that obvious to be like, oh, actually, like you, Tyler, are struggling in your life or with your childhood in these ways. I have a very traumatic childhood and all of my wounds and all of the things that I need to work on. And those are coming out in our conflicts that we're doing in our conflict resolution. And so it really was such a game changer to not just be like, God, how do we just communicate better? How can we just like us, us, us, us, us, and to actually be like, you know what, we're just going to keep going in circles unless I can try to my best to become a whole person in my own way and you becoming a whole person in your own way and that's how then we're going to be able to show up and actually work on healthy communication conflict styles happiness because you're showing up a whole fulfilled happy person yeah i i never really put that together until you said that so that's really great and a happy we starts with a happy me no really can i coin that trademark yeah put it on a put it on a shirt love it put that shit on a shirt by the way this also kind of applies to parenthood you know what i mean it's like it's so if you need to work on yourself for any reason it really just it bleeds out into all the aspects and areas of your life okay my number four is the version of me that's hardest to love is the one that needs it the most dash the version of you that's hardest to love is the one that needs it the most so where it's like if i am like rearing my head like i can remember one conflict we had and i was just like a monster and then you met my monster but then well you know i'm gonna show up yeah that's my specialty that's my specialty you're just like oh this is what you want to do all right let's go let's go and what i really needed in that moment was somebody to like offset my monster and maybe co-regulate me with a little bit of love and that's the same for you so when you're showing up true and you're a monster what you need is empathy understanding love someone to kind of be down here isn't that isn't that like a kid's book where there's like a like a like a like a big monster dragon kind of thing and the kid's like hi and like they're friends and then it turns back into like something else i don't know what you're talking about Anyways.

45:21Number five. I like that. Number five for me, marriage is a journey. But here, I'm not going to be just super cheesy about that. What I'm going to say is marriage is not just the right now. It's the all of it. It's our whole relationship. And this is going to be when Kristen cries. Is that our marriage is a bunch of pieces and memories and milestones. And we're not going to go back. to any of those previous milestones, memories, good things, bad things. Those are all there in the past to reflect on and look at and remember fondly. And then there's the present of where we are now, the good and the bad, the things we're working on, the things we cherish, the things we've made along the way.