Couples Therapy, Cup Holders, and Chaos: The Q&A Episode

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to another episode of After Bedtime. I am sitting here with my husband, fan favorite VP Hype Squad. Would you like to say hello, Hype Squad? Hello. And we are here, as promised, delivering Q &A, Ask Us Anything, to me and Tyler. As requested by me. It was requested by you and that it was confirmed because I don't know if you know this. a lot of people really love you. I don't believe you. Like people leave reviews just for you. And by the way, besties, we appreciate that because reviews mean more than you'll ever know. But also so much.

0:45So leave a five star review, but that's the deal. You can only leave a five star review. But the thing is, what I was going to say is it really validates the show. It makes things better for like we get better guests and we get better all these things. But really, at the end of the day, what it's for is your self-confidence. It's for me. Yeah. It's for your worth. It's for your self-worth. I guess let's just, let's just fucking start the episode. Q and A. Okay. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

1:19We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here.

1:53First, we're going to catch up. Hey, we've been sitting in this room together. Besties, we're at a workspace together and we've been here together. We've actually never done this before where we both came to a workspace. I got a very tiny room that only has one chair. One and a half chairs. I'm taking the half for the record. He has the chair and we've been working together all day it's 1 30 now we're very hungry it's been too long we're very hungry and we've been here since what like nine okay and now we're here and here we are so everywhere we go there we are what's new with you even though i've been with you all day i'm working on my posture these days because i feel like i'm hunching over a lot so i'm trying to sit up straight more often be less less hunched i want to get one of those contraptions that you like wear that like pulls back on your shoulders to like really improve your upright posture that's what i'm working on but as you're saying that i'm looking at you and you're hunched over with your elbows on your knees talking into the microphone call me quasimodo because that's how fucking hunched i am right now but are you are you working on it because if you were i mean and i say this like with love i don't need you to work on it but like do you need to sit up then if you're working on it or i mean you'll you'll see me straighten out here and there like here i am i'm straightened out i got that flat back going on i'm just going for a flat back every now and then i'm working on my upper back muscles okay is this what your your instagram algorithm is beating you i've never seen um what is this contraption they did like you put it on like a backpack with no backpack and then you like tighten the straps and it'll like pull your shoulders back okay okay great anything else I don't think so.

3:41I think I'm just like taking care of some stuff that's needed to be taken care of. And that's that feels satisfying. But that's a terrible story add on right there that added nothing to the conversation. So let's just let's just plow into the questions. I want a good catch up. What have we been doing? What have you been doing? What have I been doing? Why are you just asking me? Nobody asked me. You know what I mean? It's kind of typical of the podcast. Just did, dog. I'm always asking how everyone's doing, but nobody's asking what I'm doing. Yeah. Usually I just offer it though. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

4:11Yeah. Know what I mean? Of questions. Kind of. The thing is, I just, this is the ironic part is I don't think anyone listening to this or anybody that knows me on Instagram will laugh hysterically when I say this. I actually don't want to talk is the thing. And so it's funny because on the podcast and on Instagram, like, you know, I can be, I know who I am. Like I'm an overpowering presence. I can be a bit annoying. I can be all of those things. I'm like in your face. But if you met me in real life and you're actually my real friend, most of our conversations, I'm going to be pretty quiet. And I'm like an active listener.

4:50I like to recruit the extroverts. And then I'm actually the person in the dynamic that's just kind of sitting there and listening to you talk. And I love that. I think like I'm the same way, but I'm just so uncomfortable that I end up talking a lot. Do you think that's true? really yeah i think you're really good in conversation it's masking dog uh masking because we need to clarify i'm autistic oh my lord why okay what for the record for the besties who don't know we gotta do it disclaimer every time that don't know tyler was diagnosed with autism we're not mocking or making fun of autism he has been diagnosed with autism and every time i try to clarify this you have some sort of like very outlandish way of saying it like you just did like a sing-songy i'm autistic we'll have to have like a disclaimer every time it should be like in the beginning like welcome to big little feelings i'm kristin this is dina this is tyler he's autistic but dina's autistic too i know but she is not like i don't know no i think it does it does need a disclaimer because some people think that we're just coming on and making fun of autistic people.

6:00They're not thrilled. Stop. They are not leaving. Although they should because my jokes are funny. They are funny. I think autistic jokes are funny. We need, you know, not everybody is as knee deep in the neurodivergent world. And your autism is very real and very valid. And your jokes are very funny. We just need a little bit of clarity for the besties that don't know. Clarity. OK, I think it's time for Q &A. I'm super hungry. I think we should take a break to order some food and then get into the Q &A. No, I'm just going to lean into the hangryness. I know for me, hitting milestones was a major source of anxiety, whether it was gross motor, so walking and development there, or whether it was speech.

6:44I was constantly worried about if my kid was on time, if they are behind, if they're hitting the milestones expected for their age. This is why I'm such a fan of Expressible. It's a national speech therapy practice that's It's helped thousands of children reach their communication goals. It's all online, which means you can actually find out if your child needs speech therapy, making it really easy rather than what I used to do, which is just kind of spiral at home with Google. Don't do that. Use Expressible. Expressible provides one-on-one virtual speech therapy from the comfort of home. They work with kids of all ages from toddlers through teens.

7:23Research shows kids progress faster when parents are involved. Expressible makes it easy. In addition to working one-on-one with your therapist, Expressible provides weekly practice activities, secure therapist texting, and more to build skills during daily home routines. Expressible has thousands of five-star reviews, accepts hundreds of insurance plans, and offers flexible scheduling for busy families. Honestly, communication is so important. It helps kids express themselves. It helps them understand others. It's crucial for emotional and behavioral well-being and academic success. So if you are on the fence of thinking your child needs speech therapy, check out Expressible.

8:02You're the expert on your child. Expressible is the expert in communication. Let's help your child learn and grow together. Visit Expressible.com slash bedtime to find the perfect speech therapist and get started on your child's communication journey. Have a sneaking suspicion but not sure if your child needs speech therapy? On Expressible.com slash bedtime, you'll also find a free screener that covers all areas of communication development and can help you make an informed decision about your child's needs. Besties, you know what hits me in the face like a cartoon brick at the end of every single day?

8:37It's the realization that I have to make dinner yet again. But because of today's sponsor, Little Spoon, I've been able to just take one more thing off of my mind, off of my plate, onto my kids' plate with healthy meals that satisfy them and my time. At our house, our kids are in a real chicken nugget phase. If it is chicken nuggets for dinner, you better believe it's like feeding a pack of golden retriever puppies. They are everywhere ready for chicken nuggets. And because of that, the big hit at our house is the chicken dunkers lunchers from Littlespoon. Our kids love the taste. They love that it's chicken nuggets because they are packed with hidden veggies.

9:23I don't have to have a side of veggies that night. I can just throw some fruit on the plate with some nuggets, throw some ketchup on that thing, and we are good to go. We all win. And the recipes are made with pediatricians, so there are no artificial flavors, sweeteners, or dyes. And you know what's super cool is that Little Spoon is now in Target. Yes. Now when I stop off for my little knick-knack purchase, so now I can grab baby and kid snacks, pouches, yogurt smoothies, the bars, you name it. Plus, Little Spoon has an exclusive frozen line at Target, and they got the favorites like the chicken nuggets, the meatballs, the sliders.

10:02They're in the snack and freezer aisle. They're so good. Little Spoon is the mealtime hack parents can't stop talking about, and neither can I. Try their no-prep, nutrient-packed meals and snacks for babies, toddlers, and big kids. Get 50 % off your first online order at littlespoon.com slash biglittlefeelings with code biglittlefeelings at checkout. That's L-I-T-T-L-E-S-P-O-O-N dot com slash biglittlefeelings. And don't forget to use our show's code for 50 % off your first order. Peloton is shaping the future of fitness with the brand new Peloton cross-training Tread Plus powered by Peloton IQ.

10:41It's Peloton's most elevated equipment with real-time guidance and endless ways to move alone or with your favorite instructors. My favorite instructor, still Cody Rigsby. Okay, I sometimes can get down with a tune day. I love some Robin. Cody Rigsby is my guy. And I'm so excited about the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus because it's cross training reimagined with features designed to make your workout more personal. So for me, I need to work out consistently. I need to be able to do it almost every day. Otherwise, I just completely fall off. And the best part is that this Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus has features that help you plan, stay motivated and achieve peak performance.

11:25You can let yourself run, lift, sculpt and go while Peloton handles that mental load and handles the rest of it. Peloton IQ provides real time strength coaching, which tracks your progress and suggests weights that challenge you so you can get stronger. The new movement tracking camera allows Peloton IQ to count your reps and correct your form in real time. taking the guesswork out of your workout so you can train safer, lift smarter, and make every rep count. Go from running on the Tread Plus to strength training or Pilates off of it with one smooth spin of the swivel screen. Love the new swivel screen, such a game changer.

12:01It offers endless ways to train for a well-rounded routine. Peloton IQ creates a personal workout roadmap with weekly recommended classes led by instructors who match your mood, vibe, and personality. With personalized plans plus insights and guidance, Peloton IQ helps you unlock new breakthroughs. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go. Explore the new Peloton cross-training Dread Plus at OnePeloton.com. The first question is from Kelly. Hey, Kelly. She wants to know, hot topic, how many drinks does Tyler think is a reasonable amount of drinks? And let me clarify. Let me clarify for the besties.

12:41We're not talking about alcoholic drinks because you don't really care if I were to have a lot of alcoholic drinks, although I don't drink anymore. We're talking about how I showed up today with what is this? A very large water, a iced coffee, a second iced coffee and an iced matcha latte. How many drinks is too many drinks? Four is too much. Four is too much. But there's going to be there's going to be controversial. Three. My answer is three. Three is reasonable. Three is reasonable to me. But the problem is, is that they should make cars with three cup holders. Girl. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying?

13:15I just threw my phone on the floor because. It's true. I have been saying it. I have made stories on it. But you need four. You need four because you need one for the smoothie. You need one for the smoothie. You need a miscellaneous drink. Okay. You need water, coffee, miscellaneous drink. No. It could be sparkling water. It could be matcha. Pick your flavor. And then the fourth one is for smoothie. We are a path diverging in the woods on this. You need one for hydration, one for energy, and one for fun. What happens when you drink the one for energy and it's gone? Then you have an open space.

13:56No, you need another one. For more energy. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's why it's the energy section. You need the backup energy drink. Not at the same time. I think you do. I don't have time to get another one. I think that's the difference between you and me. I don't have time to get another one. No, I'm big on beverage temperature too. So if you have that extra one already, then the temperature will be all off. Yeah, this temperature is way off. This matcha iced latte that I'm drinking, abysmal. Abysmal. It's probably disgusting at this point. No, it's really bad, but I have to drink it.

14:27Yeah, no, you're not wrong. I will say, though, you can't have three cup holders in a car. Why not? Just aerodynamics won't allow it. The car won't go. What final word am I looking for? Car won't go. Ergonomically? Ergonomically? Isn't that an arcade fire song? Car won't go? Okay. I think we're ready for the next. ADHD, baby. We're ready for the next question. The next question is, ooh, Lindsay wants to know. Hey, Lindsay. Hey. My husband doesn't want more kids. I do. How do we not resent each other? Same, dog. Oh, because I want a fourth? Yeah. Well, not really, though. this is a little different oh this is like a real question how do you reconcile it how do we not resent each other family therapy honestly okay that's a good answer because you're not going to solve that on your own that's a good answer you're gonna you're both going to be set in your ways you don't have to go to like 20 sessions but you get one session it's like hey i want another kid he doesn't let's see each other's sides but beyond that like you're not going to solve that on your own sorry lindsey do you have something to say about how we kind of resolved it because at first you were not really wanting a third one yeah it was a struggle for me yeah and i really wanted a third one i think we just had a really open dialogue about why we felt the need to have another baby and why we felt like we shouldn't have another baby and we like measured those together.

16:01Unfortunately, it's not like a situation with a gray area. You either have a baby or you don't. So eventually someone's going to have to relent, but as comfortable as you can make it for one another to get to that point, then, then that's your best bet. Do you ever resent me for making quote unquote, not making it up a third? Cause I didn't, it was just that that's where we both landed. No, I don't resent you on it. I think we had a really productive conversation about it. And if anything, like any kind of quote unquote resentment or any kind of struggle is honestly on me because I was a, I was the other half of that decision.

16:38And so like anytime, anything that is like, oh gosh, was this the right choice is, is back to me. Cause it's like, you know, I was, I made that choice as much as you did. Yeah. By the end, we were very much on the same page. And after we had the miscarriage, you were way like, you really wanted to then have the third baby. Yeah, I was on board after that. Yeah, you were really on board. And then, you know, fun fact, I do always did want to have four. And so just like we negotiated, we talked through everything. We were doing the reasoning. We ended up with, OK, yes, we do both want three. That's right.

17:13For our family, we did the same thing for four, actually. And like where my instinct would be to love to have a fourth one. I've always wanted to have four kids. And then, you know, Tyler being like, absolutely not. But we talked through rather than sort of just standing. We still talk through it, even though you have a vasectomy. So it's done. It was a very firm boundary. Very done. But we had that conversation before this vasectomy, too. Yeah. But we we it wasn't a hard hard. It was we're going to both really hear each other. And I heard your points and they are very valid points for the whole family.

17:53And I think that that helps with the resentment piece that Lindsay is asking about is both of us feel and felt really, really, really heard. And it wasn't about winning. It wasn't about you winning, quote unquote, not having a third and me winning the third. And then with the fourth, it's not about, quote unquote, you winning, not having the fourth and me not winning. It was just really hearing each other and, you know, doing what ultimately seems right for the family. It's all a crapshoot. Who knows? Who knows? It's tough. It can be tough. It can be tough. Okay. Amy would like to know. Amy, what up?

18:30Where did the name VP Hype Squad come from? I don't know. I think, I don't know if I came up with, I definitely didn't come up with it. I did. But I think it was because like, even when Big Little Feelings was in the earliest, earliest stages beyond even like, there was no name yet. There was no even discussion between Dina and Kristen at that point. Kristen was like, I have this crazy idea. I'm going to talk to Dina about it. Like, what do you think? And I was like, girl, that's the best fucking idea I've ever heard. I was like, this is incredible. I was like, first of all, that doesn't exist.

19:06Second of all, like I need it in my life. And third, I was like, you're the best. Like as soon as you like set your mind to something for better or worse, it's going to happen. So I was like, there's no doubt in my mind that this is going to be like insanely successful and get to the point it has. Like none of this is surprising to me. None of your success is surprising to me because I knew it was all coming and I was the original cheerleader. So that's kind of where the VP hype squad came from. I was like first fan, biggest fan forever. Forever, forever. I mean, truly, I remember because at the time I was a stay at home mom and you had full time job and, you know, normal long hours at the office.

19:43And you always said from day one to treat it as if it was my job. And so you would take those kids the minute you got home from work and you would take them for the rest of the day so that I could go, quote unquote, work. And you would take them in the morning so that I could go work. You would take them every weekend so that I could go work because I was with them during the week. You were like, you're going to treat this like a job because this is your job. And in six months, I know that like this will actually be your job. Like you will do it. And you had no I just don't know many partners, especially when you're the one who's working full time.

20:15And, you know, I don't know many partners who would believe so wildly in such a crazy dream that isn't really that feasible. Like, if you really think about it, it's fucking crazy that this happened. Yeah. Like that didn't exist. It wasn't like, oh, you can this is a thing you can go do. It was like, hey, this is like a very new thing. We're going to take on debt because of it. And if it doesn't work, we're going to be paying off this debt for like several years. So like just making sure you're good with it. And I was like, I was like, we don't have any way to even ever pay this off. Like this is like this is I was like, I'm not even worried about that at all.

20:52Yeah. The next one, I don't actually know her first name because this is coming in on Instagram. So I'm sorry. I don't know your first name. How much screen time do your kids have and what is your strategy? And I will say, I think people misunderstand how much screen time we do or do not use just because I don't know. sometimes I show them on their iPads and people are like, Oh, she's an iPad mom. I would say on an average day after school, right when they get home, we let them unwind. I don't know, like 30 ish minutes. Sometimes it's more than that if we need to have more than that. But that's about it.

21:26And then on, you know, we're doing normal stuff. We're doing homework, we're doing dinner, we're doing playtime, whatever. On the weekends, it really depends. Some days we're just sending it. And so when we're out, we're not doing any screen time. Other days we really need a rest as a family and we like to use it as a tool. So when the baby is napping and he's three, he's not a baby, but we still call him the baby. When he's napping, the girls will do screen time and that way we can actually get a rest. And I love those days. That's really it. iPad's a tool. Okay. Wield it responsibly. Definitely no iPad in the morning before school because holy shit.

22:05Oh my God. Well, you used to do that. morning you used to do that i've risked it and it it was a gamble that did not pay off every time and now you can't you can't you can't do it you think and i'm sure a lot of people are listening you absolutely can do it in our household it tends to make things a lot worse if their brains are slow to warm up and then they're not listening to get out the door and it's just we're in a no ipads in the morning household it's too intense but i will tell you for a long time we were doing it just because Tyler was doing it and then because he was doing it I was like well I'm not gonna face the meltdowns of like the days that mom's in charge in the morning we're gonna do the so we were doing iPads in the morning and now we are not doing iPads in the morning.

22:50iPad free in the a.m. That's my radio show. All right I like that. How does this is Aurora. Aurora. Hi Aurora. Beautiful name. How don't Tyler just hit my foot. I didn't hit it. I moved it forcibly you hit my foot you were on my chair on my cord dog babe this is a very small room i have to put my feet somewhere can i put my feet here i'd rather not but here we are dang i'm gonna put my feet here besties i just put my feet on his chair i don't have anywhere else to put my feet and i gave you the chair i'm sitting on a poof okay i'm sitting on a poof your wife is sitting on the poof you've been poofed i've been poofed and you have a nice beautiful chair okay it's actually pretty decent next next question aurora wants to know how does living in california compare to colorado there's a lot more consistency which honestly makes sense for me my brain is like what's it what's the weather gonna be tomorrow probably in the 70s am i gonna need a sweatshirt probably not so i like that well i was also realizing that it's so good for your brain you are autistic you need to have predictability rhythm routine when something is not that way it can be really overwhelming it can be really almost devastating and what i realized is that it's not just okay you wake up and you know what the weather is going to be like it's also that you get to do the healthy things that are good for you consistently every day.

24:30So you walk the dog in the morning every day, and then you go to the beach and you walk for a long time in the afternoons. And we've made our days set up so that you have that time and I have different time. And you just can't do that in Colorado. Colorado is beautiful. It's a beautiful place, but your day today is so different. You can't. And I remember that just being really, really hard for you. And it's hard for me too, by the way. It's like, I can't like walk the dog one morning and then skip it for three days because it snows and then kind of walk the dog. Or too hot or it's raining or it's muddy or it's this and that.

25:09You can like get into stuff in Colorado, like outdoor stuff. But then once a season changes, then you're like, oh, well, I guess I'll just like stop doing that because I can't do it inside. and then you know it's hard to get back into it so it's like i can have a lot more consistency in my life which is really nice plus it's really warm and i can't wait till winter when i can keep having warmth like obviously it'll get colder but my mustache would literally freeze in colorado and like that's cool one time just to say that it just to have it happen take that selfie with you know like oh my mustache is frozen i'm on everest or whatever but then you're just like this sucks i don't and now i'm shoveling snow in this and my feet are wet and like i also have to get the kids out for school and like no thank you yeah i mean okay so the weather i feel like we've made some really good connections in california which is something we were scared of we had a really amazing community in colorado that we visit now all the time shout out the homies shout out to the homies the community but we've actually been really really lucky and fortunate here.

26:16And that has been a really big upside. And again, just being outside all the time. Again, Colorado is a very outdoorsy place, but you have to be the type of person that wants to be outdoorsy in negative 10 degree weather. And lots of people are lots of people are like, oh, that's when I go to the mountains. We weren't that people. So we ended up in our basement, you know, for those months. We're not outside. But here, everything that we do, whether we are going to the mall, That is outside, whether we are going to Girl Scouts, whether we are going to no matter where we're going after school, we're going to the beach or we're going to the park.

26:51So being outside, it's just been amazing for our mental health and also the kids. I would say we've been to the beach more times since we've moved here than we went to the mountains in 12 years in Colorado. Yeah, the mountains are like two hours away. A long ways away. So we're really happy. The kids are thriving. They've actually had an amazing transition. I was really worried about it. and it's been really good. Yeah, we've been really fortunate to have such a smooth move. I was a little bit worried. Rachel wants to know. Hi, Rachel. What's there? He is. He's back. What's one little thing you wish your partner would stop doing parentheses like leaving socks out, et cetera, and parentheses.

27:30I wish that you would stop leaving your socks out. Actually, my version of that is you leaving your shorts with the underwear still in it. Maybe this is TMI. on the ground it's every day that those shorts are on the ground it's like the new socks it's the new socks it used to actually be the socks and i probably shared that as why she's saying that and now it's actually your shorts they're they're always on the bathroom floor and i always am picking them up with the kids stuff here's the thing i get it on the underwear portion of it but like if i want to wear those shorts again i have nowhere to put them because like anywhere i put them they get put in the laundry basket and when i'm like nearby i want them comfortably Really close.

28:11And yeah. It's a selfish response. Oh, it's completely selfish. No, I'll admit that. Because what would happen if I left all of my clothes and then all of the kids clothes that I pick up every single day, six times a day, by the way, what if I just left those all over the bathroom floor to let's be able to walk in? There are clothes all over the house. I pick all of them up. Girl, don't play. Every single day. Don't play. What is your one little thing that you wish your partner would stop doing for me? I hate it when you throw away my leftovers. I will be the judge of if something is no longer edible.

28:54Here's the thing. Here's the thing. It actually goes back to the shorts. Who is cleaning out the fridge every single time? I share in that responsibility. Straight up. Straight up. What's the ratio do you think? 50 50 it here's the thing i'm finishing food i'm in there i'm plowing that crop i'm not talking about eating leftovers i'm talking about they leave the fridge i eat them i'm talking about the massive swoop of clean outs of the fridge who is in charge of that and who does that i'm not i'm not going to give you what you want i'm not going to give you the answer you want I refused. Well, welcome to couples therapy.