Dad Mode 2.0: What Modern Dads Are Really Carrying Into the Holidays

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. Besties, it's Thanksgiving. I don't know how this happened, but it is. It is Thanksgiving this week. And as you're heading into Thanksgiving, we felt, my husband and I, since Dina's still on mat leave, we felt we needed to have a little Thanksgiving episode. If you're heading into this Thanksgiving already feeling overwhelmed, already annoyed, already bracing yourself for the chaos, this is the episode you need. Because here's the truth. Most of us walk into the holidays with these very silent expectations. How the day should feel, how the kids should act, what our partner should magically just know how to do.

0:42I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you over there. BP Hype Squad. He's just staring back at me. And then we get blindsided when reality does what reality always does. And suddenly we're overstimulated. We're snapping. They're shutting down. The kids are melting and you're thinking, why do the holidays feel so much harder than they should? Isn't this supposed to be magical? This episode is your reset button before it even happens. It's your game plan. It's the conversation that helps you understand not just your load on the holiday, but what your partner is carrying too. It's the stuff that you don't always see.

1:19Because when you understand the invisible pressure points on both sides, everything can shift. The fights go down, the teamwork goes up, and the holiday becomes survivable and maybe even enjoyable. So if you're tired of walking into this week like two overwhelmed people fighting the same fire from opposite corners of the house, same. Okay. Today, we're going to change how our whole holiday season feels. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings.

2:01And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. You know, I never know if I can chime in during your intro. Yeah, that's fair. I don't want you to.

2:37You threw it out there to me. I threw it at you. And you were like, are you You're going to do it? Yeah. You're going to say something? Yeah. Say something. Do it. I dare you. I dare you to say something during my intro. Sometimes I want you to, but like I instruct you not to, but then something comes over me when I start talking. I'm not going to take the bait. That's what I'm saying. That's fair. You're just going to get silence. That's fair. All day I've been thinking about how last night we did something very uncharacteristic, which is we left the house together after dark. and after bedtime it was no no i mean we got home very much after bedtime which is also uncharacteristic of us which we had a great after bedtime conversation too in the car like just laughing just laughing just being young and vibrant i know that was nice that's not where this conversation was going but i did love that i did love that besties i guess we should be getting out of the house like with our partners it's healthy for the relationship give it a try Yeah.

3:36Okay. So I can't stop thinking about how last night we left the house. We went to a Dear Media meta event, which, you know, is fancy and not at all what we're used to doing in sweatpants. We went together. I'm so happy that you came. Meta being Instagram. Meta being Instagram. Thank you for that. And it wasn't like a meta event. Never mind. I hear you. I hear you. And we don't I'm not even going to talk about the event at all. All I'm going to talk about is what I've been thinking about all day, which is Whitney Port from the Hills. Love her. Wonderful human being. I've now met her and been with her quite a few times.

4:16So, like, you know, she's just Whitney now. And she's so nice. And she's the absolute best. She's just Whitney. You, on the other hand, have never met her before. And... Never met her. Never met her. So, at the event... I know of her. Sure. Everybody knows of her. Yeah. And you've told me how nice she is. Okay. Yeah. So at the event, we like briefly chat with her. Super nice. Yada, yada. Okay. We leave the event. It is what? 10 p.m. Not that this matters. We are on. It kind of matters. We're on Sunset Boulevard. Okay. With like the big billboards and mayhem and craziness. This is Hollywood. Hollywood.

4:55Crazy. Okay. Big in Hollywood. And we're at the valet getting our cars. Whitney gets her car and her car pulls around. and Tyler to me goes no fucking way no fucking way because she has the same car that he has and he loves his car we should say he's a big car guy he got his dream car whatever Whitney pulls up in the same car he looks to me like a three-year-old on Christmas morning like no fucking way no way I've never seen him have pure excitement and joy so he and he's dying to chime in right now, but I am not letting you. He runs over to Whitney Port's passenger window as she is entering her car.

5:42Because the window's open. Window's open. Her mistake. Screams, Whitney! Whitney! She's hearing a man scream Whitney on Sunset Boulevard. We don't know if this is a fan. We don't know if this is paparazzi. She's a person, right? She's a little scared at first, but then realizes who it is. He's like, you have this car too? And she was totally down. She was super nice and was like, oh my God, yes, I love this car. And he was like, oh my. But it was, I don't think I'm describing it well enough of like, it's like just like a celebrity and screaming at them like, Kendall, Kendall Jenner. Hey, we have the same car.

6:19It was more that. Hey, we have the same car. This is so cool. The car was the celebrity to me because this is what you're getting wrong. Okay. I saw the car in the valet stand. Yeah. And I was like, sweet god i love that car yeah and you're like you have that car i'm like i know and it looks so good i love this car yeah and then i go wait because i knew other people were leaving this event and i was like whose car is this i gotta find out whose car this is okay and i see whitney starting to walk and i go no way no way it's cool no i knew whitney was cool i wasn't even a question i think she was cool and then i go over and then i thought she was almost not and then i was like it is she is she's getting in there so excited Whitney yeah Whitney is this your car yeah she's like this is she's like this is the best car ever and I was like I know yeah and I was like cool I'll see you later and she was like yep and we're best friends I made other besties I really didn't like I was very nervous to go because I don't like events because they make me uncomfortable if I don't if I know somebody I'm down if I can like corner somebody I know which thankfully I've married that person i was gonna say don't you know me yeah okay but then like you start talking to people yeah because people know you but they don't know me yeah and so i'm just like standing there like sup guys and they're like get the fuck away from us that is not i'm like cool i'm gonna go over here that is not that's also dina's experience to be fair because i'm just a talker but i try not to like i try not to leave you guys but i do i do get a little out of my i do just you're an explorer yeah you're a social explorer i'm a big explorer yeah you say that you're an introvert yeah and like you are but like once once you're thrown into it you're just like turn it on baby turn it on no i am like a golden retriever puppy you know like joyfully bouncing from place to place i am an extroverted introvert through and through and i really didn't know that really was a thing but it is like when i am there when i am with it could be 30 people or it could be one person i'm so like locked in with that person or those people and then i feel like I need five days to recover after that.

8:42I need a bed. I need so much recovery. That's the introvert part of me. We get in the car and you just self-destruct, for lack of a better word. Not last night. We had fun last night. Not like an anger. No. It's just like as in your brain turns to mush. Yeah. Your body falls apart. Yeah. The passenger seat goes into a flat position immediately. Yeah. and then you're just like bye ice cream cone let's go we did so what we did we went we had a lovely dinner thank you jimmedia we did a lovely dinner really good and and they only had cookies for dessert they only had cookies for dessert and i started my period yesterday i can say that because this is a podcast that is can you normally not say you have no it's just i mean some people Well, remember some people used to get weirded out by this.

9:36Like men get weirded out by this. Patriarchy, dog. Okay. So yesterday was day one of my period. And like we had to stop for a McDonald's ice cream cone on the way home. And if you stop for a McDonald's ice cream cone, you also have to get french fries. It's the law. If you give a mouse a cookie. If you give Kristen a cookie, she's going to want a McDonald's ice cream cone. I haven't had a McDonald's ice cream cone in like decades. Yeah. Oh, maybe since I was pregnant. I feel like when I was pregnant, I maybe got a McFlur or two, you know? Yeah. That was real nice. I wish we had more time to talk more about the event, but I don't think we...

10:09Do you have anything that you want to add in under two minutes? From the event? Yeah. Just that I'm going to be hitting up a new friend to play Mahjong soon. I made a Mahjong friend. And no, I don't know how to play Mahjong, but I will soon. You're very into it. I'll be throwing some tiles down real soon. Tapping tiles. I guess that's a thing. Tapping tiles. Tapping tiles, baby. I think a lot of people are into Mahjong. Hilary Duff. I saw it on her stories. I see it on. Yeah. No, you don't know this. How would I know this? Well, your algorithm, again, is not like a white woman. Mine is filled with Mahjong.

10:49Mahjong. Mahjong. Mahjong.

10:54I'm sure we're both saying everyone that I know that is my age, aka paramenopausal or up that is a woman that is white is playing this game okay like a mom's night what you're telling me is that me dr eliza and hillary are going to be playing mahjong and we need how did you know hillary oh hillary duff hillary my other friend hillary yeah you know hillary she also plays mahjong get the fuck out i'm not i can't so we got two we got the two hillary's we got eliza we got our four we don't know hillary duff but we i mean we pretty much I'm assuming we do. Parasocial relationship. Which I don't think you can have if you don't actually follow the person.

11:35You just dropped Aliza Pressman. That's just somebody we also talked to at the Dear Media event. My new best friend. Your absolute new best friend. Dr. Aliza Pressman. Love her. She has a great book. Raising Good Humans. Now you and her are best friends. We're Mahjong buddies. Yeah. Like Mahjong buddies specifically. Like Mahjong mates? Well, because she said she has a group and it's all menopausal women. And then like one autistic man joins sometimes. And you were like this. I mean, this is this. I really can't think of another place where you would belong better other than the time you want to join lawn bowling.

12:15And I still want to. Yeah. Lawn bowling and Mahjong. Yeah. So that's where I'm at in life. Okay. Let's shift into Thanksgiving.

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15:39As a Kendra Scott partner, I'm sharing with you how I make this holiday season special. The holidays shine brightest because of you, bestie. You're the one who is making all of the traditions happen. The gifts happen. You're doing the plans. You're making the in-laws happen. So you deserve to sparkle a little bit too. This year, I made sure to get myself something before Thanksgiving because honestly, we're gifting, we're gifting, we're gifting all season long. And then we just forget about ourselves. And somehow everybody else has forgotten about us too. We'll talk about that later on a different podcast episode.

16:16So treat yourself. Get yourself something. Here's what I got myself. I got myself from Kendra Scott, basically the Bella line, if you will. I got the earrings. I got the tennis necklace. And I got the tennis bracelet. And I will tell you something. Thought I was going to only whip these out on the holidays and at the holiday parties because, you know, they're a smidge fancy. I'm actually wearing the tennis necklace every day. And you can see it in stories. I'm wearing it every day. I love it and I feel like it even goes with my sweatpants to be honest with you I'm going from day to night plus if you're needing to do some shopping For those in-laws that I was talking about earlier or anybody else that's an adult Kendra Scott is your destination for holiday gifting with presents for everyone on your list for over 20 years Kendra Scott has been making beautiful accents for the everyday and giving back as they've grown with a focus on women and youth causes.

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18:26And right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50 % off your first year. We are using it for our year-end financial reconciliation and reset so we can move into the new year with the live view of our finances. We'll be able to keep our budget categories on track for a successful budget pyramid. Can't have a lopsided pyramid? Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code BLF at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code BLF. Okay, before we talk about your experience slash dad experiences during the holidays, I think it's important for the women who are listening before we get going to, you know, acknowledge that moms carry, you know, almost everything during the holidays.

19:21This is true. Okay. It's true. It's certifiable. The room acknowledges that. The whole room. The room in the world acknowledges. Count them out. One, two. Okay. Check, check. You know, the planning, the prepping, the packing, the remembering, the emotional temperature of the house, the sleep schedules, you know, the in-laws, the magic making, all of it. it all falls to the moms. Right. And I think that's an important part of the conversation because what we're trying to get to the bottom of is, you know, the holidays can be so magical and then they can turn so chaotic and then it can also turn into such a tornado at times.

20:00And I would love for it to, you know, the tornado to be tamed a little bit. And I feel like, you know, there's two parts to the tornado. There's me. There's the quote unquote traditional mom role who's like, I have been planning this for three weeks. I have been trying to make sure I haven't fallen. Nothing's fallen through the cracks. I have work. I have the kids. I have normal everything stuff. And then on top of it now, you know, the mental load is beyond. And so I'm a little bit on edge. So let's talk about the other side of, you know, this load, which is you, which is dads. And I think you were nervous also, by the way, let's just call it out.

20:35You were nervous because you were like, well, I don't know about all dads and I might have a different story so let's just call it your experience how about that and we can you know equate it to we'll see who relates we'll see who relates maybe it's the mom maybe it's the dad's you know sure round of applause sure so sure round of applause who is like me i think number one yeah i i gotta agree that that mom's shoulder the majority of stuff i'm not gonna say everything i'm not gonna do it i gotta rep i gotta rep the dads we do stuff too but i think the thing with the moms is you guys slow burn the anxiety.

21:11You know what I mean? Like you said, you're like three weeks out. You're just like three weeks out. I gotta do this. I gotta do this. I gotta do this. And you just like, you, you feel you like do that IV drip of anxiety that whole time. Whereas dads just like free base the anxiety the day before, or like a few days before, like right now I have no concerns for Thanksgiving. Isn't that horrible? That's terrible. Right. Kind of. But also at the same time, I feel like no anxiety for it yet. It feels three weeks away to me. But now I just realized with my head out loud that it is Friday before Thanksgiving.

21:48And now I'm anxious. I didn't think that's what you were going to end with. Maybe you should end with something else here. And now I'm going to give you the chance to end with something else here. Because like I'm infuriating you or. Yeah, probably in all the women who are listening. Why? Let's put this. let's let's jog let's jog and i like this this is a good perspective because i well you know i i was hoping something else would come from this but here we are let's let's take a jog around the neighborhood and why do you think that you slash men only have to get anxious right before the holiday so that let's say any in-laws are coming any food that has to be ordered from whole foods because we're doing all of our food from whole foods has to be ordered any of the coordinating of the in-laws and the in-laws scheduled any of the things that need to be ordered and need to be there before and on time and christmas and all of that stuff the stuff that you cannot do before the day of, why do you think?

22:55I mean, I'm making the face. I'm taking a little jog. I'm taking a little jog around. Are you sure I can't do it the day before? But here's the thing. I know what you're, I know what you're looking for. I know exactly what you're looking for. You did a whole episode on this. I'm going to say it. Mental load. The mental load is not shared. I get that. And number two, people are going to be upset about this one, is the I have issues with object permanence. So like if it's not directly in my face, it kind of doesn't exist. So like when I go to the grocery store and I see a turkey or a ham and I go, huh, that's a lot of turkeys for sale.

23:33Is there a sale on turkeys? And then I go, oh, Thanksgiving's coming up. No, I don't give you this because I and this isn't what we were supposed to talk about. So you you you are digging yourself a hole here and now you're just infuriating everyone where it's like. So the answer women is they don't care and we're on our own. And obviously sexuality is not a choice because if I were to choose to be married right now, I would possibly prefer to have another woman at the head of the household who could share the duty. that's what i'm gathering so far i'm not and i was actually gonna gonna like bring out some emotions from the male perspective and like perhaps why you guys tend to shut down or feel overwhelmed and i was gonna provide like a real like you know empathic point of view but here we are today i'm not gonna give you that and the reason i'm not gonna give you that is because first of all, this is separate from the sort of male versus women conversation.

24:40What you're talking about, object impermanence or object permanence, I also have literally. So we are both neurodivergent and we both have ADHD and you have autism. And I have that as well, even with people. Like if people are not around me, they don't exist to me. And it's a horrible trait. I hate it. Here's the thing. I have to do it anyways. Otherwise, when Thanksgiving happens or their birthday party comes up or Christmas is here, we don't have the things or they are the next size up in clothing. Do you know how hard it is for me? And you do actually completely understand how hard that is and I have to force myself to do it anyways and I will relate that to anyone who is not neurodivergent in a partnership as well because it's the same concept where it's like for us it is much harder neurodivergent parenting is incredibly hard for this reason like we are not built for the the tasks of parenting however also non-divergent neurodivergent parenting they're on the same plane too where it's like this is not easy for the woman more so than it is for the man either like we have the same i was in the same ball game my friend before i before i pushed a baby out of my vagina you did all i cared about was you know going to china or bali next year or you know whatever the the fuck it is with the concert that night yeah i think that's totally true and i acknowledge that it takes a lot of work and Yeah.

26:20And it's hard. It's hard. It's not fair. I'm trying. You have been working on it, I will say. Thank you. You're welcome. This is kind of our cycle, as we talked about on the podcast episode where we talked about the mental load, is that, you know, it goes back and then it goes back and forth. But rather than making this entire episode about the mental load, because we could and it really pretty much every holiday, we have to have this conversation, by the way, for the record. And I don't think we're alone in that. let's talk a little bit and zooming out about men holidays feeling because I I want to touch on you said that you care and that might actually be a little bit surprising yeah I think that the vibe from you some yeah I would say most of the times and also I just feel like it's a dad thing in general is to be, you know, like you're there, but you're almost like you're a kid at a birthday party that doesn't really know what to do with themselves.

27:19You don't talk about it. Can you picture it where they're just like their mom put them in an uncomfortable button up and they're just like, I don't I don't know. And then it even can go so far as just like kind of like shutting down or getting rigid or whatever. Like my dad would be, you know, the sit on the couch and watch sports endlessly that kind of dad you know what i mean every dad wants to be the sit on the couch dad and do nothing i'm straight up i'm gonna say of course you're saying i do too you're you're uncomfortable i do too that's because i know i have to do something because i can't be the dad that sits in front of the tv all day i god i would love oh my god love that so hard to just be like not move all day i taught our kids what being a couch potato is love that and they're like i want to be a potato today and i'm like fuck yes we're gonna be potatoes today i love that for them i love that for us anyways so when we both come back in our next life we won't be married because we're both going to be men who get to sit on the couch all day on holidays our spirits are too free that they can't join again ever people are like oh i'll what is that movie where it's like I'll love you in this life and then I will find you in the next life and love you and we're like nah no I mean well like until this moment to this moment I thought we would find each other but like now on the couch I'm leveling up in my karma so that in my next life I can be a man who sits on the couch while leveling up to be a woman does everything you just want to be a part of the patriarchy I deserve it I've been fucked enough god damn it anyways okay so wait i would love no it's my turn okay i'm taking over thank you go ahead and mansplain something to me oh i'm gonna okay i would love to sit on the couch i would love to do that every day though but especially on holiday especially if someone else is cooking for you yeah i would love that nothing more here's the thing you can't be that guy you don't want to be that guy you can't be that guy well we wouldn't be married if you were that guy if you're a response and no no shade to the women whose husbands are like that sometimes you make do with what you got a little bit of shade a little bit of shade all right no shade for me maybe kristen not shade to the women actually oh shade to the husband yeah shade to the husband time but if you're responsible as an adult human and as a partner you can't do that you know you can't do you can get a little time in there here and there but what you're gonna do you're going to help.

29:59You're going to have to help one way or another, setting the table, cleaning dishes, because you know, there's so much going on. Dishes have to be cleaned the entire time. It's not like, oh, we're done. Dishes are clean. No, you're cleaning dishes the entire time while someone else is cooking. So if you don't cook, that's your job. That, or take care of the kids, entertain them. If your kids are little, guess what? You're entertaining them too. You can't throw them in front of a TV all day. You can't do that. It's not cool but like you're doing something you need to do something and if you're and if you're not doing something you better be cooking so that's where it comes in to the discomfort because you're like ah fuck i gotta do something like what am i gonna do like please someone tell me what i should be doing which ain't wrong answer because you're not sharing the mental load so like you're not you're not gonna win in this unless you're one of these very intuitive fellas shout out to you guys Congrats to the ladies.

30:50Kristen doesn't have one of those. So shout out to you. Congratulations. You found your golden retriever. You found the partner that will go, honey, this food smells amazing. I'm going to go bead unicorns with our child. We're going to go paint the dog, not on the dog, but a portrait of the dog. And we'll see you at dinner. And just let me know if you need anything. Can I get you another glass of wine? Can I get you some cider? I actually think that is kind of you. That actually is kind of you. I think you can't even identify what you're trying to say, which is like, and it's amazing because you actually are kind of that person, unless you're so overwhelmed that you're like a kid at a birthday party with a hair and headlights and a button-up shirt.

31:35You're normally that person. But I think what you're talking about is like the very, very intuitive, meaning like, hey, we have five, six. Well, you said it. we have five six hours until thanksgiving you look kind of stressed why don't you go take a load off because i've got this like i know that we have this and this to do and then i'll set the table with this and then i'll you know clean up the back patio because that's where we're going and i've got whatever you'd be intuitive to know like what has to be done and not even have to ask like what do you need help with that that would be like the next level that would and especially like days before yeah that is like word i can't even imagine if you just took over the holiday cards right friday before i can't imagine going kristen what should we make well for thanksgiving i literally literally have been avoiding asking you and i've been like what are we gonna do like if we sometimes we do the whole foods thing this is not an ad for whole foods sometimes we do the whole foods thing where we like order some of the things from whole foods because it's delicious and then it like lightens the load of cooking like i don't even know what we're gonna i don't even know what we're gonna do yeah i don't even know if they have those orders open anymore they here's the deal i don't want to cook a turkey if that's what you're wondering i already know that i've already like thought that through see the mental load that i have already picked up on i've already planned like which in-law is coming so that our children has a grandparent there they've already booked their flight hey tyler hey hey my mom's coming to thanksgiving i know you already told me well i think i told you that she was thinking of coming but i didn't tell you she was coming i mean i'm chill either way okay let me ask you this question do you feel pressure to create magic on the holidays in general like not just thanksgiving but do you feel pressure to create magic there's no wrong answer you can you can answer truthfully are you sure about that yeah literally just gonna say like side literally just gonna say like what what's what's your tolerance for an answer right answer go ahead i think this is helpful do i try to make holiday magic or do you feel pressure to create magic no yeah no i don't wow no yeah because magic happens because my wife does it magic happens when i i feel like i had some kind of like disney answer here okay no because the magic is inside of us so if we were all sitting on christmas morning or a birthday birthday because like the day before you have no fucking idea if like presents were ordered decorations were hot like you have no idea and so if the roles were reversed we would all just walk downstairs and be like oh where's where's christmas but because like i've done it it's done right so the magic would be within us if nothing happened yeah okay here's the thing and i hadn't shared this yet dear listeners is that no i don't really care for any holidays they're not special to me in my life okay that's very blunt but like personally i could do without wow and like now because i'm like i i hate holidays yeah it's just like i i I don't connect to them, I don't think.