Forget "Stranger Danger” - Teach Your Kids These Sexual Abuse Safety Tools

0:00Deena:The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome back to another episode of After Bedtime. Today, I am your host. It's me, Deena. And we are covering a topic that is honestly really heavy, really scary to a lot of us parents, but it is so, so important that we have these tools. When it comes to keeping our kids safe from sexual abuse, I know, I know, that alone is a lot. This is an area where knowledge really is power. I promise I will not let this feel too scary for us. And I will be giving you the exact tools and scripts that you can start using today to help keep your kids safer. So deep breath.

0:44We got this. This is important. Let's get into it.

0:48Deena:Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. the thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be.

1:28Deena:This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here. Okay, before we dive into today's topic, let's do a little catch-up together. Am I recording this in my car? Yes. Not only are my kids on spring break right now, but my husband is out of town for work, so I have a double whammy going on, which means I am just cramming everything into today. And so, yeah, I'm sitting in my car recording this. And that's mom life. You know, you're just you're doing it all somehow making it work. I have to say, though, with my husband being gone, it actually really highlighted that our marriage has gotten so much better because I've actually noticed that he's not here.

2:09You know what I mean? Like before, if you've listened to our podcast, you know how horrible our marriage was. honestly, when our kids were first born, we were in the two under two chaotic struggle of things. And honestly, when we had our kids, we kind of were going off vibes of like, we love each other so much. We can get through anything together. And then kids came and completely rocked our marriage. Not in like a cute way. I mean, in a way where we really did almost get divorced. We sat down, we talked about what was going to be best for us. And ultimately, honestly, he wanted to try one last time.

2:47And that's when he started therapy and everything started to change for us. But during those days when things were really bad, part of the struggle was I was doing everything on top of working. We're both working parents, yet somehow all the child care, the home stuff all was falling on me. And when he went away on work trips, I kid you not, things were easier. It was like having one less child around. And unfortunately, it started to show me I could be a single parent because I was already doing everything on my own. It just made it really apparent. And then, yeah, like I said, the house would be more peaceful because there was one less person that I was juggling.

3:26I was having to listen to them and their needs and help them through things and manage it all. So it was actually easier when he was gone. And that was a really sad thing to realize. Now, though, when he's gone, I'm like, oh, my God, the house is falling apart. Like I have so much more to do right now. After bedtime, I'm like doing all the dishes and resetting the kitchen. I'm like, oh my God, I just want to go

3:49Deena:to bed. Get me my Virgin River. I want to go binge that and just lay down my weary bones. So yeah, it almost makes me laugh and cry to say this out loud. I am really looking forward to him coming home. And that says a lot. I'm really proud of all the work that we've done to get to this place because damn, was it hard work and really confusing, which I feel like, by the way, no one really talks about the messy middle of trying to fix your marriage. It's more like you go on Instagram and all you see is smiling couples, happy families, or boom, you get hit with a divorce announcement. And you're like, where's the real life?

4:27Where is the in between? Where's the confusion? Because it really is confusing when you're in the middle of that. So if that's you. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is. So anyways, today I'm going to juggle. I'm going to make it all happen. Soon I will be back into my normal routine and I look forward to that day. But for now, this little coffee in my hand is going to help me through. I can do

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8:35Let's shift gears and let's get into today's topic. Because recently on the podcast here, I shared for the very first time that when I was younger, we had, you know, the neighborhood kind of squad of all the kids playing together. And we'd be on our bikes until the sun went down and our parents called us in for dinner. and in a lot of ways that freedom was really great because kids get to build more skills and independence and capability when parents are not necessarily hovering. And at the same time, some really scary stuff happened to me because no one was there watching. But more importantly, no one had ever given me the tools and the awareness to understand body safety, body boundaries, and when to go to an adult.

9:24So long story short, I'm not going to get into the details of it, but I was sexually and physically abused by the little boy next door for a long period of time. And the real problem was that I didn't know it was abuse. I thought we were playing. And there is so much of me that wants to go back and just scoop up that little girl and tell her that she didn't do anything wrong. And you're allowed to tell someone. You should tell someone. And I can't go back and do that. But this is a huge part of why I did become a therapist. I want to be able to give parents the tools and the knowledge and the ability to have these conversations so that they can keep their kids safe.

10:07They can raise kids who become resilient, thriving adults. So today, this episode is going to be real quick, real fast. When I do a solo episode, I like it to be like, bing, bang, boom, here's your tools, let's go. So we're going to move through the really practical things that you can start doing today to keep your kids safer. Now, let's start with a really uncomfortable truth that a lot of people don't know. Sexual abuse does not just happen in dark alleys by strangers. That's kind of what we were all taught, what a lot of us think of it as. But the reality is this often happens between kids, between peers, and in familiar places with people you know.

10:47And I know that's really hard to hear. But here's the important reframe. This is not about fear. This is about power. Because the research shows a significant portion of abuse is peer-to-peer and most kids don't tell right away. Not because they're hiding something. But because they are confused, they don't have the language, they don't know what's wrong, or they think they'll get in trouble. So our job as the parents is not to scare our kids, but to equip them. And that's what we're going to do here. And besties, I know that this topic might be bringing up a lot for a lot of people. It could be bringing up memories that you haven't thought about in a long time, things you never really put together.

11:32I know that after I first shared this, I had a few friends reach out who were like, oh my god, I had stuff happen in my childhood. I didn't even realize that that was abuse, but it was. If that is you, I'm sending you a lot of love. And I really want to urge you to take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist. EMDR is a great tool for processing trauma, as is brain spotting. EMDR is a great type of therapy for trauma, really effective at helping us process some of those memories that get stored in the body, as well as other types of therapy. But the key part is to be gentle with yourself.

12:10Process it all. Because I know, like me, part of my parenting journey is not letting my experiences and my fears and my traumas impact how I show up for my kids. That's a really hard thing when we're talking about real life here. But doing the work is worth it because you are worth it. Your kids are worth it. I'm really proud of you for being here. But definitely do take good care of yourself if this shook something up for you. Now, the tools are not just like one big scary talk. These are small, normal, everyday conversations that end up building awareness and confidence and a strong voice. So tool number one that you can start using today is using real words, anatomically correct names for body parts.

12:59I'm talking penis, vulva, vagina, but I know it can feel awkward because a lot of people made us feel awkward about it when we were little, but this really matters. because research shows kids who can name their body parts are less likely to be targeted and more likely to clearly report something. So when we give it little cutesy code names, you know, like PP, GG, Wee Wee, we're actually putting our kids at a disadvantage because they don't have the right words to be able to report if something happens. This is something we can just start right away. We're giving them a powerful message here. Your body is not taboo.

13:41Your body is yours. It is okay to say these words. It's neutral. A body is just a body. Tool number two, we're going to define what private parts are very clearly. So in my house, the way I describe it, and I have since my kids were really little, I always get that question, when should you start this? Start early. I started around two years old saying this stuff. Your private parts are any area that your bathing suit covers and your mouth. So for us, that means your breasts, your vagina vulva, your penis, your butt area, and your mouth. And yes, mouth, I know, is a tricky one, but we want them to be aware of that too.

14:25That is a private part. And with these private parts, we can let them know it is okay to touch your own body, but no one else should touch or be looking at those parts or put anything in those parts except to keep you clean or keep you healthy. And then obviously, we name the exceptions, right? Except if it's a teacher helping you wipe.

14:48Deena:Name the teacher's name so it's really specific. Or it's a doctor and there's mommy or daddy there with you. That part's important with a parent there. And these very clear rules increase safety. Tool number three is going to be about safe versus unsafe touch without causing fear. Now, we're going to keep this really, really simple. Safe touch helps your body and it keeps you clean. Unsafe touch is about your private parts or it feels confusing, uncomfortable, or yucky in some way. You can get really specific. Think about your kid's life. Like, how are they being touched? Who is touching? We can kind of combine this step of safe versus unsafe touch with that last tool of defining the private parts and really help them understand in their life who is going to be touching them, what is appropriate, and what is not.

15:43And don't worry, we are going to come up with a really concrete safety plan for when there is unsafe touch. Like your kid will know exactly what to do. But in general, we want to let them know. Even if someone says it's a game, even if it's someone you know, you can always say no. Now, tool number four is about practicing boundaries at home. This one feels really subtle, but it's actually really important and really practical, like something you can start doing right now that has a ripple effect. The reality is consent doesn't just start out there. It starts in your home. It starts in your living room by simply asking things like, do you want a hug?

16:24And then respecting their no if they say no. Letting them be in charge of their body and experiencing that their no matters. So what's this going to look like in real life? Say that grandma's coming over to visit, right? And at the end of the visit, she's going to say bye. And grandmas want hugs. Grandmas want kisses. But this is the opportunity need to start really putting this into practice. Okay, bye, grandma. Do you want to hug her? Do you want a kiss? No? Okay, let's wave bye-bye to grandma. Bye, grandma. We love you so much. Do you want to blow her a kiss? There is no reason that your kid should have to give a hug or a kiss if they don't want to.

17:04And I really hope that any adult could understand that and put their own feelings aside. And I know that this can be a really tricky one because it is kind of just the norm of how we say bye. But it also doesn't have to be. We can use these opportunities to really empower our kids. Another great example that happens every single day in my home with little boys is they're playing. Maybe I'm playing with them. Maybe dad's wrestling with them. Everyone's kind of wrestling, tickling, touching. Two things. You can ask if they want to play that way. Ask very directly and practice getting consent. Then the flip side is when someone says stop during playing, no matter what, you immediately go, I heard stop.

17:48I'm going to put my hands up. We're stopping right away. Say it out loud and do the action.

17:54Deena:Because this is where your kids learn my voice matters, my body is mine, and people listen when I say no. That real life experience gets internalized and becomes a really powerful tool for them to bring into the world with them. Not only will that keep your kids safer, it's going to keep other kids safer too. Because like I said, this often happens between peers. Kids are not bad. Kids have not learned tools. This is our chance to teach them about body boundaries and consent, and that no means no and stop means stop, no matter what. Now, tool number five is another kind of subtle one, but it matters.

18:39Secrets versus surprises. So I have said from the very start, and you can start today, in our family, we don't keep secrets. We do surprises. Surprises are temporary. They're fun. They're eventually shared. Secrets are meant to stay hidden. And I say this because a lot of times, whether it's a grownup or a kid, they will use the phrase, this is our little secret. We're going to keep this our secret and not to tell anyone. That right there is a red flag. And the way to really think about this in your mind is it's not really about stranger danger here. This is about strange behavior. And someone asking you to keep a secret from your parents is strange behavior.

19:26That's a red flag we go tell immediately. So yeah, us being really explicit about this, about if anyone says don't tell your parents, that's exactly when you come tell us. We need to put that into their minds because they won't automatically be able to get to that point by themselves. So these little conversations really do equip them. Now we're shifting gears here into the what to go do when something happens, when there's strange behavior, when somebody's crossing your body boundary and touching a private part or trying to. So tool number six here is build a safety team. Ask your kids, if something happened and you couldn't tell me, who else could you tell?

20:10And we pick three to five people together. This is the safety team because your kids need to know that there are multiple safe adults and you deserve and need to be heard by someone in these situations. So who can they go to? Maybe it's their teacher. Maybe it's the person in the front office. Maybe it's the coach of the sports team. Start identifying who they can go to for help. And that takes us to our next tool, which is one of the most important ones. Practice no, go, tell. So literally, practice. If something happened where someone is doing something inappropriate, there is unsafe touch. You do not feel comfortable.

20:52You say no. Next, you go. Move your body away. If someone is making you uncomfortable, if someone is hurting you, you leave. You do not stay. You immediately run away. This part is important because when a brain is in fight or flight or freeze, it's really hard to think of what to do. It's a scary situation. But if we have primed them to understand that you are allowed to go. You should go. That's really important. I know I wish someone would have explained that part to me when I was little. And that last part, tell. Do go tell someone right away. And this isn't a one-time lesson. We practice it over and over.

21:35Because what neuroscience shows is that kids don't actually rise to the occasion in hard moments. they kind of fall to what they've practiced. Again, it has to do with how your brain works in a stress situation. And so when you rehearse, no, stop. I don't like that. Get away. Tell a safe grown-up everything. Their brain is more ready to use it in a situation that's high stakes. And I want to pause right here because I know for me, as I'm sharing this tool, even though I have processed everything, even though I have moved through it and like really healed this trauma for myself over decades and years, I can still feel this one getting activated for me a little bit right now.

22:17So I want to make it really, really clear. If somebody is a victim of sexual abuse, it is never, ever, ever their fault. Period. The end. It was not your fault. Nobody should have hurt you. Nobody should have put you in uncomfortable situations. and if you're like me, you might feel really sad that no one taught you about these tools, about no, go, tell. But I know that there's also a part of people here who are struggling with, even if I did go tell, I didn't have a grown-up who was going to help me. And that part's another trauma. So this next tool is about us being the grown-up that a lot of us needed in that situation, saying this sentence on repeat, you can tell me anything and I will always believe you.

23:06You will never be in trouble for telling me the truth. That part right there, you will not be in trouble because so many kids don't tell because they think they'll get in trouble or they won't be believed or someone will be mad at them. And this is where we get to change that story. We are the safe person who's on their team. We are the person who's going to be there to help them through any hard moment. They will not be in trouble. And we can make that really clear. You can always come to me. This right here can make such a difference in a kid's life. And your kid is so lucky to have you. These are sentences that we get to say over and over to them.

23:48It doesn't help just with this topic of keeping our kids safer from sexual abuse. It helps with everything. It strengthens our relationship so that they know throughout life, there is no mistake. There is no situation that's going to make me love you less. I will be there with you through the hardest times so that when they run into something hard, their first reaction is not, oh my God, my mom's going to kill me. It's, oh my God, I need to call my mom right now. And our last tool is to teach them to trust their gut. So if something feels yucky or confusing or off, believe that. That feeling matters.

24:31They don't need proof. They don't need to stay until something bad happens. They don't need permission. Their body is allowed to say no, and they can leave the situation. They should leave the situation. But really empowering our kids to listen to their bodies, listen to their needs, listen to that intuition, that is so powerful. And we get to give them permission to do that through these little conversations that we can continue and just weave in throughout life here and there. It doesn't have to be this big, scary, intense conversation that we have. It can be these little moments where with these tools, we're giving them reminders.

25:13We're giving them permission. We're giving them the awareness to stay safe. So this isn't about controlling every situation. You can't. And that's the hard part, especially if you're a survivor of this stuff like I am, like many of us are. You can't control the world or people. And again, I want to be really clear, especially if you are someone who has experienced abuse, you can do everything quote right and still not control every outcome. Abuse is never, ever, ever the child's or victim's fault ever. But this is about stacking the odds in your kid's favor and giving them the language, giving them the awareness and the voice and a safe place to land.