From Trauma to Peace: Deena's Third Birth Story

0:00Deena:The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome back to another episode of After Bedtime. And today, Kristen and I are diving into my birth story from my most recent baby here. We have never even talked about this together. I've been holding it from her so that we with you could get all the details and the full story all together. We're going to be talking about my contractions, how I got through all the pain, how I prep my kids to be there, all the details. So let's get into it. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

0:43We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope.

0:53Deena:We're here to tell the truth. The unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. Dina, it's so nice to see you here in your car on Zoom. This is my new thing. It's nice. I like it. I sit by a river. It's beautiful. A river in Colorado in your car? Yeah. Why in your car?

1:33I mean, I've done it in my car too before. That's a great question. And I'd love to tell you. It's because I actually have so much trouble getting out of my daily routine, which is to go to a coffee shop, do a bunch of hyper-focused work in a row, like get a whole day's worth done within like four hours. And then I quickly run into a workout class. And the thought of not doing that day stresses me out so much that I just I just do it in my car now. It's lovely.

2:01Deena:The thing that shifted is you used to have like almost like a working space type of place that you would do the coffee shop type of work. Is that right? That's what shifted. And now we don't have like a dedicated like, does the coffee shop have a stock room because I feel like that's a very you thing is like, oh, I started working at this place and they offered me, you know, this like attic that they're letting me use as my content studio. Like that's a very you thing. That is a very me thing. Honestly, they probably would if I asked because I know everyone's so well now at the cafes that I go to.

2:37This is my free coffee. This is my free bubbly water they just brought to me. They were like, hey, do you need some stuff to go? I'm Like I do. Thank you so much. I want my friends.

2:47Deena:I want that. I don't want to be out. I don't want to be like with the people, you know, and that's that's the hard part for me. And I can't work at home alone. See, everyone's so different. Well, everyone and also you and me specifically. Very true. Very different. Very different. And specific. And very specific. Like I literally couldn't work at a coffee shop. There's no way. I've tried so many times and I can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. And I can't work at home so much so that I'd rather do this podcast in my car than at home. Yeah. In my office that I built by my hands. Installed all the wood paneling.

3:28You really did. One by one with my bare hands. It's beautiful in there. It's so beautiful.

3:33Deena:And now I'm just thinking like you should have built me a beautiful studio video in my corner of my little room because I would use it. I still can. You know what I mean? I still can. And I'll fly over and I'll do it for you. Okay. No, that sounds really good because I actually really like that. I'm like mom tiger. Okay. Fantastic. Mom tiger from Daniel Tiger. Yeah. I'll just do some woodwork for you. Okay. What do you need me to build? I'd love to. That's great. I have so much I need you to build. I have like a play kitchen that's been sitting there for, I don't know, like a year. Not a problem.

4:04Well, my morning's going great. I know You're not going to ask.

4:07Deena:And that's OK, because I'm going to tell you anyways, which is I'm having a great morning. And you and I talked last night about how incredibly burnt out we feel, which isn't new to this show. It's not new to this show. I think people probably think we're burnt out every day, which is fair, which is fair. There are for the record days where we feel great, though, and we text each other and we're like, I love my life. I love my job. I've had the best day. Those days do exist. Listener, I just want you to know. But last night was not one of those nights. And we are both severely burnt out. We are.

4:46Deena:I laugh so we don't cry. And so I took I took myself I gave myself a little morning and I feel a little bit better. I'm still quite tired, but I I have my little coffee. I had my husband do the morning routine, which is nice. And then I did, you know, that app that I've been telling you about nonstop, which is activations, which is like, it's like better than meditation. And I'm into meditation, actually, if it's guided, you know, but it's like better than meditation because it's like, it's like envisioning your future and envisioning your goals or whatever you're kind of stuck with. Like, for instance, today, I'm feeling burnt out and I don't feel like I can show up that well to work or mom life.

5:31Deena:Right. And I literally could look up and I looked up like an activation about not feeling the best. And I listened to it and I listened for 12 minutes and it helped me and I feel better and I'm showing up to this podcast and I feel pretty good. I love that. I use activations now because of you, actually. You do? Yes. You know, for years, like I am a meditation girly and I don't have it in me right now to sit and breathe for 20 minutes. Like that's not my style right now. So it is really, really nice. Oh my God. I love it too. And also the ones that I really like are the ones where you're walking too.

6:07Deena:So I like like walking and it's like you're manifesting your future and you're manifesting what you want. Those ones I feel really good about. I think I've turned on a lot of my friends to activation. I feel like it's a positive thing I've done for the world. it's good as if I made the app is what that sounded like I did that I did that for everyone and by the way I know that Mimi so she's actually the one who invented the app she's amazing and she gave us a link last time that she was on apparently it's still active so if you've been meaning to try it you can get a two-week free trial and a huge discount if you go to activations.com slash feelings, or you can just head to the link of the show notes.

6:48Deena:No presh, but I absolutely love it. What else do we have for this morning? Do we have anything else? Well, you get to hear my birth story for the first time ever. I've been waiting as long as the besties have been waiting. I haven't actually heard this, you guys, because we didn't want to spoil it. I know. We text about everything, but this one, this one somehow we kept it from each other. I am chugging coffee as we start. Did you hear that? I think I did like six sips in a row And then I was like, wait, that's not water. I don't know that that's what you're supposed to do. No, it's sort of water.

7:21Deena:A little different. Yeah, it's my water. Hydrating. I'm going to confess something to you. There is a very specific moment in my day where I need a little treat. Not like I should probably eat something. You know, I already did all that. No, no, no, no. I want something that feels like a little moment for myself, a little reward, a little dopamine hit, if you will. For me, it's that mid-afternoon moment where I'm like, okay, I survived the morning. I've done so much. I've lived three days already and it's only two o 'clock. What do I get? And I've been trying to find something that hits that craving, but doesn't totally derail how I'm feeling after.

7:59This is where Cachava's new coffee flavor comes in. First of all, why is it so good? Like I was fully expecting healthy coffee vibe, but it actually tastes smooth, rich, and like legit. They use premium decaf, decaf friends, Brazilian beans, and it genuinely feels like a little reset moment for me. But with the benefits, because it's not just a drink. This is an all-in-one nutrition shake. Okay, you get plant-based protein, fiber, greens, adaptogens, and it actually helps with things like energy and digestion and just feeling better all over. So now instead of hitting that slump and going full chaos snack mode, I have this moment that feels indulgent, but it also supports my body, which honestly, that balance is everything.

8:46Also, no weird fillers, no artificial junk, just clean ingredients. Treat yourself to the flavor and nutrition your body craves. Go to cachava.com and use code BLF for 15 % off your first order. That's cachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A dot com, code BLF. One underratedly confusing part of parenting, feeding kids. Like you make a full meal, protein, veggies, the whole thing. And they're like, I'll have three crackers. So I recently learned about something called hidden hunger. Apparently 50 % of kids are missing key nutrients, even if they're eating regularly. Friends, it makes so much sense when you think about it.

9:26And that's why first day caught my attention. They make clean, science-backed multivitamins for kids, teens, and adults with a blend of 21 organic superfoods and nine key vitamins. There's no artificial ingredients, no fake dyes, nothing strange. And what I appreciate is how transparent they are. Everything is tested for over 200 toxins and they've earned the Clean Label Purity Award. I know choosing a vitamin that you trust can feel overwhelming. It can feel really confusing out there on the market, but this is about supporting your kid's brain and body in a way that's realistic and it does not have to be confusing.

10:03Also, they make age-specific vitamins, which is huge because nutritional needs change as kids grow. So if you've been looking for the right multivitamin, first day is for you. First day is it. Clinically absorbable, family safe, actually effective. For a limited time, only our listeners are getting an insane deal. Use code BLF to get up to 57 % off at firstday.com. That's up to 57 % off and a free gift with code BLF at firstday.com. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. I don't know if you have these moments, but you're trying to get ready.

10:44You're digging through your closet. You have so many clothes, but there's nothing you actually want to wear. And that is where Quince comes into play. I have a few of their pieces. I have a crop top for workouts. I have this really cute silk dress that is my go-to for date nights and a cashmere sweater that I wear to almost every single interview that I do. And everything that they make is so high quality. I'm talking like premium materials, like 100 % European linen and organic cotton. You can feel it when you're wearing it. And somehow everything just like fits better. Quince is so luxury. They fit right.

11:21They feel so good. And there's a reason for this because they actually just cut out the middleman. They are luxury clothing, but you're not paying the brand markup. You're paying for the quality. You're paying for the actual item. Like they have leather handbags, for example. Like I feel like I should be doing something really important when I wear them because they are that nice, but they are affordable. So if you need to also refresh your spring wardrobe with Quince, go to quince.com slash BLF for free shipping and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to quince.com slash BLF for free shipping and 365-day returns.

12:03Quince.com slash BLF. Go to quince.com slash BLF for free shipping and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. too.

12:16Deena:Dina, tell us about your birth. Oh, my gosh. Where do you begin? Go ahead. Wow. Where do we even start? Birth. Oh, what an experience. Oh, man. Birth. Birth is intense. No matter how many times you do it, it's it's a wild one. This birth, though, was really different from my other two. Like, you know, my other two, you were at one of them, by the way. Beautiful. I feel like all three of mine were just completely different experiences. So they were all home births, first of all. But this one was actually like my loveliest birth. I have to say there's something really, really magical and special about this one.

12:58Deena:I am so happy to hear that off the bat. I'm telling you, besties, I literally didn't know. I mean, I figured if there was some trauma involved, I would probably know. But that makes me so happy to hear. I know birth can be such a wild topic, too. So I was like a little, you know, I'm a little nervous to share. It's a great one, though. And that's that's good. I think you are not. Not that I think everyone has had deserves, you know, a wonderful birth for the record. But your first one was like you almost gave birth on your own. And there was like some bleeding problems. You know, just like things went awry.

13:35Deena:like nothing horrific but it was just like what the fuck is this and then the second one I was there for it looked beautiful to me but you know I'm happy to hear that you actually got a nice like sort of the nicest birth experience somebody can get yeah yeah double tap real quick the first one yeah the problem was that everyone really dismissed me as the first time mom narrative They just leaned way too hard into that. Like, you're a first time mom. You should go take a nap. This is going to be days, days. And I'm like, I don't know how anyone would sleep through this, but OK. And I'm in my bed having like, yeah, like true contractions.

14:16The baby's moving down. And not until you and I and Tyler were FaceTiming and you're timing it and you're like, hey, so this is actually like active labor and someone should probably be there. So I had to call them like three times and be like, hey, birth team. So I am having this baby. And by the time someone walked into the room, I just remember my doula looking at me and she's like, are you pushing? And I was like, I'm pushing. Oh my God. Weren't they on a boat?

14:45Deena:Wasn't your person on a boat? Yes, my midwife was, my midwife literally was having dinner in the middle of the ocean. And I had to be like, hey, so I know we spoke a little while ago and you thought that I wasn't having a baby, but turns out I am having a baby right now. Like right now, if you could just somehow get here on the shore, I would really appreciate that so much. So I definitely had to do a lot of VMDR therapy after that one of like, I was listening to my body. I was advocating. No one's listening. No one's believing me. That was a wild one. But you know I went in with this mindset because it was my first time.

15:25It was very much like I trust my body. My body knows what to do. I am a warrior. I can get through this. And I did get through it. And then the second time I was like, I know exactly what's about to happen. And I don't want to do this shit. I remember that.

15:45Deena:You were there for that one. To be fair, you had given birth, what, like 13 months before that. Yeah, it was crazy. It was back to back, like back to back. So you're like, I just did this. I never got time to forget. You didn't get the memory did not get wiped. Yeah. Like I feel like I'm at what, three and a half years out and I'm finally just like, I could do that again, even though I'm not going to. But I'm like, it wasn't that bad. You know, you need the three years to get the amnesia. You need the amnesia to kick in is what I learned the hard way on that one. As you saw, I was crying on the floor the entire time going, I don't want to, baby, come out.

16:24Deena:Yeah. Yep. Yep. And I'm like, respectfully, Dina, you're going to. It's going to happen. And the third one was like this really nice sweet spot of all of that. It was like all my experiences come into one more time where I'm like, OK, I know exactly what's going to happen. my body can do it. I'm going to trust it. I've got a plan A. I've got a plan B. We're going to head to the hospital if we need to. We're going to just trust that I can get this baby out however I have to. And I'll just jump into the story at this point. Do it. Okay. So I had this weird intuition. I just knew that this baby was going to come in the middle of the night.

17:10My others did not. And I didn't even have that feeling. But I told my midwife, I was like, girl, I'm going to call you in the middle of the night having the baby, just like wake up to contractions. And that is exactly what happened where I woke up at three in the morning and was like actively having contractions. So Mike and I were actually sleeping in different rooms because you know how it is being pregnant. Like I was up all night, every single night before that, like never slept. And so I was like, you know what? You go get a good night's sleep so that at least you can show up as a decent parent the next day for the other two boys while I'm just struggling along here.

17:49So that was the system. So I'm just chilling in my room like, OK, I think I'm in labor. So I wait one like one whole hour of just having contractions to see if it's real. I'm timing them. I'm writing it down. It's not that bad. It's like, OK, I can handle this. Then around like 430, I walk into Mike's room and I'm like, Hey, Hey Mike, you might want to wake up. I'm going to have the baby. And he's like, wait, what? Oh my God, what's happening? Yeah. I was like, come on over. We call the midwife. She's like, okay, I'm going to pack up. I'll be on my way. And from there we have like what I always had as the vision in my mind, but never actually got because all my births were so fast where we had like one really nice connected hour.

18:40We were laughing. We're listening to music or like I know so different from how my past ones went it was like really a great time and we're feeling connected I've never felt connected during birth to Mike it's usually

18:55Deena:like like the fuck away from me stop touching me and it's usually Tyler just be like do you need anything you're amazing I'm like shut up you did all the wrong things continue so my contractions were like early enough that I was kind of enjoying it. I was like, look at us being a husband wife team, so connected and supportive and liking each other again. And then it started to pick up like right when the midwife got there around 545 and then the boys wake up and they come in and they're helping her set up in the room. She was really sweet and lovely and like really involved them. She's like, come on over.

19:35Let's get ready for mama. You know, like this is going to be great. we're going to get that baby out together.

19:40Deena:And for the besties who don't know, this was Dina's plan. Like this was what you wanted. You wanted you wanted the boys to be there in an ideal world. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And on the last one, they slept through it. Yeah. He slept through it. He was not there. It was during the night. Yeah. He was asleep. So this was great. They're there. I, at this point, silently slipped to the bathroom to have a little mental breakdown by myself, where I just sobbed and sobbed like uncontrollably because it hurt so bad at this point. Like my lower back in particular was just killing me. You know, did this happen to you?

20:16Did you have back labor where the bones start to shift? Oh my God, you didn't. I didn't have that.

20:21Deena:Well, you know, maybe I did. Maybe everything, you know, at that point, but no, probably not because it doesn't stand out to me. Not even in the one where you had a unmedicated, your epidural didn't kick and unwillingly unwilling on medicated birth. Yeah. No, I the back wasn't the part that stood out to be in all of it. So I don't think so. So you had back. I've heard it's horrible. It's horrible. Like you can literally feel your bones starting to shift apart almost. And yeah, it hurts. So that that was happening. And I was in there just with Moki, my dog, who is panting right here next to me.

21:03Deena:Oh, Mookie, you're a good boy. We love you. You're such a good boy. You're such a good boy. So he was there like watching me just cry. And in my mind, I was like, oh my God, like I don't want to do this, but I know I have to. There's literally no other option. I have to just move forward. And it was like that moment, I kind of looked in the mirror and like wiped away my tears. I was like, okay, then I'm just going to do this. I'm just going to focus, lock in and do this. OK, baby. Such a Dina thing, by the way. I've been there for many of these moments. It's just like a sudden just like wash over you after you've let all of your feelings out and just be like, OK, I'm going to do this now.