He Cheated. She Stayed. Scheana Shay on Motherhood, Betrayal, and the Choice to Stay.

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome back to After Bedtime, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, but today's guest. Today's guest is someone that honestly Kristen and I have grown up with in real time. Sheena Shea is sitting down with us for today's episode. Bravo fans, I know you're freaking out as much as we are. And if you don't know, Sheena Shea is an actress, host, a New York Times bestselling author and one of the original stars of Vanderpump Rules. And in today's episode, we are going deep. I mean, really deep. Like things that Sheena has never shared out loud before about Vanderpump Rules, about the Valley, and about her experience of becoming a mom.

0:48A birth story that did not go as planned. Struggling with severe postpartum OCD and having to return back to work literally days after giving birth. And then maybe the most intense one of all, her husband's affair. We are getting into all of it. No filters, no holding back. This episode will make you laugh. It might make you cry a little bit, but I promise you one thing. It will leave you feeling so whole, so inspired, and so ready to live your life for you. So without further ado, let's get into it. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

1:35We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth. The unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. Sheena, welcome to After Bedtime.

2:13Yay! Thanks for having me. I am freaking out. I love you. I'm freaking out. I'm just going to be over here a little bit in shock, a little bit starstruck, and I'll get my thoughts together. I'm not dissociated, so I'll take over. Dina's a Bravo bitch, but not as religiously. Like, I watch everything. I'm not like on the forums. My husband actually follows some of the forums or like not in a gross way, but more of the like, you know, he wants to keep up with what's actually happening and what the vibe is. I'm not there. I just watch everything. Okay. I just watch everything. Love that. Who's your husband's favorite housewife?

2:51Ooh, he really likes Orange County. So he loves a Vicky. He loves a Camara. You know, I mean, he loves a Lisa Vanderpump. I feel like the husband's like, oh, he's a horrible person. He's a horrible person. I think. I love Vicky. I'm going to ask him after this. I was probably all wrong. I was probably all wrong. Hello, everyone. Hi. Welcome to the podcast, Dina. Dina's on her cup of coffee. I know. Oh, my gosh. At least it was not the coffee. Oh, my gosh. As I said, I like the mic. Break the mic. Spill the coffee. Dina's mic stop came off. It's been a long day. The coffee spilled. It's just a normal day in a toddler mom's life.

3:30Sorry about that. You know, it didn't get on the dog. We're good. Yeah. Momo's here. Moki is here and he didn't get poured on. Well, I do watch everything. But again, not like religiously. but I'm very excited that you're here today. We have so many questions for you. Kristen, I feel like you should kick us off because this is your dream, girl. I mean, it's like I have 20 ready to go. So hi. You're a great mom. Thank you. You're a mom to a beautiful four-year-old girl. Yes. Summer moon. We feel like we know you as a mom because we watched you kind of in that like early mom era. What was it like to be on TV on a reality show where it used to be about debauchery and then it moved into you became a mom and it moved into that era?

4:24What was that transition like? I don't feel it was really a transition of debauchery. That was still very present. Yes, I love that. But it was also after having about a year and a half off. So obviously during COVID. We weren't filming at all. And then I had her literally a week and a half before we started filming season nine. And I do wish you saw more of that postpartum journey because I was going through so much at the time that I was expressing and it was unfortunate you didn't see it because I feel like having an audience, especially of millennial women and moms, it would have been really beneficial.

5:04But for me, I just was like, okay, back in work mode. Like this is my job. This is what I have to do. The world is starting to open back up and I kind of just got back into it. But I will say I'm very glad that I ended up getting induced because my doctor was like, look, you've been off work for a while. I want you to have at least a week at home where you're able to just kind of figure this out before cameras are in your face. So get to 40 weeks. If she's not coming out, then I'll induce you. So I'm like, OK, great. So 40 weeks, one day I get induced. And then all of a sudden her heart rate's dropping this.

5:43And I'm like, oh, my God, she's not ready. I think I'm killing my baby. I'm terrified. But it turned out I had preeclampsia, which I didn't have yesterday at my 40 week appointment. There were signs, but they didn't know. That then advanced to help syndrome. And I'm like, had I not been induced, I could have died. My baby could have died. Like we might not have survived. It was so crazy that that was literally the reason I got induced because I was, I think it's a rare or unpopular opinion, but I could have stayed pregnant for another three weeks easily. I was so comfortable. I loved being pregnant.

6:18She was safe in there. Once she came out, I'm like, what do I do? So I would not have gotten induced if it wasn't for we're starting filming again soon and I need the baby out. So I have some time to figure this out. Whoa. I then get hospitalized for five extra days, have all of three days home before cameras picked up. Oh, my God. First of all, I have chills all over just hearing that. Yeah. But are you saying that you went back to work like bleeding? Yes. In a diaper. Oh, yeah. Spanx diaper. Like it was not fun. That was the biggest transition was just feeling so not myself. I'm in clothes that are much bigger than I've ever worn.

7:03I'm still in a diaper. I just I'm I'm breastfeeding. I have my pump with me all of the time. I mean, it was a really crazy time that I feel like just was kind of brushed over and filled with themed parties and whatnot. So that's what I was going to say is as a viewer, I do remember watching and I don't know that I knew you were that fresh of a mom. I didn't. But I remember watching because I remember seeing the trailers and being like, oh, they're moms now. Like, yes, this is what I've been waiting for. We're going to watch like postpartum. We're going to watch how much drama happens during postpartum, by the way.

7:40I mean, you and Brock and I mean, hello, mother-in-laws and all of that. Yeah. And so I do I remember watching and being like, they're just at parties like and I didn't I wasn't like, oh, she's partying. I knew like this is a job. So but there I didn't even really. I'm glad that you realize that because the audience didn't. That's crazy. Yeah. I remember being like and not like there's no way that I in any shape or form was like, oh, she's leaving her newborn at home or anything like that. I was more just like, why aren't we seeing a what she's just is supposed to be a reality show so like she's clearly going along with like the script and the cast and the way that the show has always been but what a missed opportunity to instead bring the cameras into her space and what's going on in her world and I remember seeing you in like bigger clothes and stuff like that rather than being like you're in a diaper show her in a diaper yes show her in a diaper actually talk about it you know leaking So I remember that was such a missed opportunity.

8:38Yeah. And I think they realized that. And that's why on the Valley, you know, you really see me as a postpartum journey. And I'm so thankful that at least they got there. You know, they didn't do it with me, but they're doing it now. So I'm glad that it's at least evolved to that point. Oh, did you get filmed though? And then they just chose not to put that in? Wow. Yeah, the very first scene of season nine, Brock and I are standing in the kitchen for an hour. And this is the introduction to him and our relationship. So we're kind of like backpedaling, talking about, you know, how we met and whatever and whatever organic way.

9:10But I remember sitting at our kitchen. We had like bar stools at our island and I was sobbing. And I'm just like, I could have died last week. Like this was literally like nine days ago that I had this baby. She was too young to be on camera because she had to be 15 days old to be on camera. So it was like, that's how new it was. but nobody saw that part. The scene opens up with me. It looked obviously like I had been crying. I'm sitting down in the living room eating and we're talking about if I'm going to invite Lala and Katie to the hibachi dinner for my birthday. Yeah. Because that was more important than me almost dying in childbirth.

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12:43Get 50 % off your first order at hyahealth.com slash BLF. That's H-I-Y-A health dot com slash B-L-F. This deal isn't available on the regular website. Take care of your kids' bodies now so their future selves will thank you later. You have been incredibly vocal about your experience with postpartum OCD. And for those listening, A, I have two questions. One, can you describe here what it manifested for you? Like what it looked like for you? That was my favorite part of the show, by the way, when they finally got there. Yeah. Number two, do you think any of that had to do with what you were just describing?

13:24Like the sudden lowering her heart rate is going down. You're about to die. Like all of this. Do you think that aided in this whole like, oh, my God, we might die. And I never expected this to happen. I was fine yesterday and today I'm not. I think it started even before that when I had the miscarriage, because then when I got pregnant again with her, I was just terrified every day that something was going to happen. I did not feel her move until I was 22 weeks, five days. I'm more than halfway through my pregnancy and I've not felt my baby move once. I think I had gas around 16 or 17 weeks during acupuncture.

13:58I'm like, I think she kicked. And she's like, I think that was gas. I'm like, damn it. It just lied to me. So it definitely started then. And then when I did have her, because I had the preeclampsia, they had to pump me with magnesium and they gave me a heads up that I would feel extremely flu-like. Like they didn't give me a heads up that my baby was going to come out limp and blue and they call them mag babies and that that was normal. So I finally push her out and she doesn't make a sound for almost a full minute. And it was just like they're counting 44, 45. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

14:33So now I think I've just given birth to a stillborn after having a miscarriage. And I'm like, this is my fault because I induced she wasn't ready. And it was just until I heard that cry, it was terrifying. And so I think it all started at the miscarriage, but then just everything that happened leading up to having her, it was really scary. And immediately the intrusive thoughts came in and I didn't understand. And I was paranoid of SIDS. And it was just like, I, you know, was the mom who watched the monitor and I had the breathe wear strap on her and it only went until 24 months. And so what did I do?

15:10Because I was a psycho. I had my aunt who is a seamstress. So on an extra Velcro shaft, but then I was like, okay, she's two and a half. I guess I could give her a blanket now. So I had to get rid of the breathe wear and I just accept that she knows how to breathe now. There's no bumpers. She's not going to suffocate. It's okay. But I mean, it took a couple of years and it took me opening up to my therapist being like, okay, well, this is a safe space, right? like HIPAA or whatever. Like you can't tell anyone if you think I'm crazy. She's like, I can't. And I'm like, okay, I just want to know if any of your other clients have experienced this because like in my head every day when I'm like walking upstairs, like I just see myself falling down, landing on my baby, her jumping out of my arms.

15:58And I'm like, I don't want to hurt her. But then it wasn't just about summer. I started having them about Brock. When we were moving back up from San Diego, he was driving his motorcycle and I was driving behind him. And I just saw myself running him over, not because I wanted to kill my husband or run him over. But I'm like, someone's going to hit me and then I'm going to hit him and then I'm going to kill my husband. And it's just like so many of those things that finally I was like, OK, this is now not just about my kid. Like, why am I seeing these things about my husband? And once I opened up to her, she's like, have you ever been diagnosed with OCD?

16:32I'm like, no, I have felt that I've had OCD my whole life, but I've never been diagnosed. And she goes, how are you with numbers? I was like, let me tell you. At the time, I was very anal about my following on Instagram and Twitter. And I only followed 420. I was a stoner back in the day. I'm still kind of here and there. But I loved that number. Whatever reason. So stupid. It was just a number. But if I followed someone new, I would go and unfollow someone to the point where I would have people reach out like, Like, did something happen? Like, I'm like, oh, no. And I blame my sister. I'm like, oh, my sister runs my account.

17:08She must have thought it was inactive or didn't recognize the name. I'm so sorry. And then I'm like, shit, now I need to unfollow someone else. And then after my therapist had asked me this, I had met and I talk about this in my book. I had met these two girls who are still friends of mine from Big Brother. And they were fans. And we were at this premiere together. And they're like, oh, my God, wait, I don't even think we're following you. And so I was like, oh, my God, let me follow you back. And I'm like, I'm at 422. I'm at 422. too. And so like all night, I'm like, I'm not going to go to the bathroom to unfollow someone.

17:35I'm like, it's okay, Sheena, you can unfollow someone like later when you get home. And then when I got home, I looked at it and I'm like, what's it matter? What if it gets to 424? What if it gets to 500? I'm at almost a thousand now, you guys. And I didn't even know that was exposure therapy that I just did on my own. And so had it not been for me opening up, finally, I wouldn't have known I wouldn't have gotten the proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist and been able to do the exposure therapy work that started with numbers. And then it was my therapist asked me on a scale of one to 10, what is your 10 biggest fear to do alone with your kid?

18:12Because I was afraid to do anything alone with her. But I'm like, I mean, like Disneyland flying cross country, like that's insane. Like I could never. Yet when she was two and a half years old, I took her to Disneyland by myself. My mom offered to come and I said, no, I need to do this on my own. We've now done that several more times. I just recently flew alone with her from New York, the longest flight you can take in America. And I did it by myself. And I'm like, I hadn't had a reason to fly alone with her. I knew one day I would. And I double booked. I didn't have on my calendar. We had a very important private school event for our number one school we want to go to.

18:52So Brock got on the first flight back, flew back to make it to the event to represent for us. And I flew back with her by myself and we were just fine. Oh my God. I'm so proud of you. That takes a lot of work. And I'm really appreciate that you opened up about this because I think when you were in the middle of it as a mom, it's confusing. You're like, what is happening? And we don't often hear about this. And then once you do, I feel like point number two kicks in, which is you feel embarrassed and you feel shame about it and you feel really alone, like something is wrong with you. So thank you for opening up.

19:27I feel like it's very, very important. And as someone who is newly postpartum myself four months in right now, I also do have those intrusive thoughts still once in a while. Well, Kristen and I were just talking about it earlier today, like the one about the banister and tossing the baby over, you know, like that one. Yeah. And it really will make you feel like what is wrong with me. But it's so many of us who go through this. And then at a certain point when you start to really tune in as this is nothing is wrong with me. This is more of a signal that I should probably tune into and get help as needed.

20:02Yeah. And talking about it helps so much. Just I didn't know how many people in my family and my close friend group. Once I started talking about it, then my own mother, she knew her whole life. She probably had OCD, but never got diagnosed. And after I opened up to her, she was like, oh, my God, me too. And it was like this eye opening bonding moment for us where I wouldn't have had that with her had I not opened up about it. And now I do work with the International OCD Foundation. And I am just such an advocate for talking about maternal mental health because I feel like it's getting talked about more, but it's not enough.

20:40And it definitely wasn't enough when I was postpartum almost five years ago. I think you actually put postpartum OCD, I don't want to call it on the map because it's a horrible, horrible way to say it. But you did. You put it on the map. And that's thanks to the show, you know, for finally getting there. It was thanks to the show. I distinctly remember watching that moment because that was like, fuck yeah, like this is what we want to be watching. And I had postpartum anxiety, which is similar but different. Right. But I was it was the same, you know, like actually it might have been postpartum OCD is what some people say is the same where it's like, I just knew my baby was going to die.

21:16I knew she was going to die. There was nothing I could do about it, but I'm going to obsess about it and make sure like if you don't go to sleep at like 7.59, like she's going to die. Like she will die in her sleep. She'll suffocate, all of those horrible things. And when I watched you on the screen and you were so vulnerable and you were crying and I was like, oh my God, this picture perfect person, because that's how I see you, she's so nice and she's relatable and gorgeous and successful and all these things. You know, I'm like, oh, OK. All right. Like, this is just something that people struggle with.

21:51Everyone can possibly struggle with something like this. So I yeah, it was a really big moment, I think, for TV in general. Yeah. And I still got shit for it because by the time those episodes aired and we had filmed it because it wasn't shown on season nine, it's like season 10, I think was when we talked about it. But she's like a year and a half going on, too. And people we're like, you're not postpartum anymore. And I'm like, yo, postpartum is not just the first six months. Okay. It can be a much longer period of time. And also I was not diagnosed when I was newly postpartum. I didn't open up to my therapist until my daughter was over a year old.

22:28So now that I've realized this, now I'm dealing with all of these things that some that have been there my whole life. And now I understand, you know, what's wrong with me. It's not, it's just, you know, in your brain. It's a chemical imbalance. And it's I didn't know that there was a diagnosis for it. And I'm just so thankful that now, you know, we have this platform where we can talk about these sort of things because it makes so many people feel less alone and heard and seen. And I've had hundreds, if not thousands at this point in the last few years of women reach out to me and say, because of you, now I've been diagnosed and now I'm doing the work.

23:07And I think that's it, too, is that people now can know what to look out for. Yeah, I didn't either. I was my child was 18 months old. I went through 18 months of just like you where, like, I knew she was going to die. I knew that she was going to die. This is the day. OK, this is the day she's going to die. 18 months. Yeah. Until I realized, like, you just when you're in it, you're so in it and you have this fresh baby and you're just moving so fast. Right. And it takes like a lot to be like and you're not sharing it with anyone. Or at least I wasn't. I wasn't like. No, not even my husband. Not to anyone.

23:38I wasn't like, hey, so, you know, I just thought this is baby sleep. I'm just like really good at baby sleep, you know, or whatever it is. I didn't get help till 18 months either. So fuck those people, by the way. Another. Yeah, fuck them. Another scary thing, I think, was I remember when I was in the hospital with her for those like five, six days. And the doctor asked me if there was anyone in my family who had a baby who died of SIDS. Oh, no. And my cousin's son had passed away at three months old. And my mom's sister and so then I'm like oh my god is this genetic like I've got it on the paternal side and the maternal side like my baby that's gonna be her and so it was like that fear of is she breathing it's just oh you got hit with so many things at once so many oh my god I know yeah I'm proud of you you did the work you did the work let's shift we're gonna shift into the valley how did oh like why are you not more on the valley is this a personal choice is that a bravo choice are you allowed to say because yeah i'm so excited when i see you on the valley i'm so excited when i see you pop up season one i was i filmed a couple times but we were filming season 11 at the time season two i came on as a friend of because every intention was to go back to vanderpump rules for season 12 and that's why i think i didn't have a huge role on season two because they're like we're not going to waste your story on the Valley.

25:03We're going to save that for season 12. Season 12, you know, as we know, it is now rebooted and whatnot. So they're like, well, don't worry. Like we're not doing Vanderpump Rules with you guys anymore, but you'll be on the Valley. And I was like, okay, great. You know, job security. Awesome. And then as it was getting closer and closer this summer to becoming the time when we were going to film, it just didn't feel right. It felt like not a safe space. It felt like the same thing that I had been doing for 14 years. It didn't feel like a fresh start. It just felt like a continuation having the same people have agency over my story and tell my story.

25:44And they haven't always done the best job of that. So now host New York Times bestselling book. I love your book. Yeah, girl. from my husband's affair and just mental health, everything that I'm going through right now in life. I didn't feel like it was the best option right now. I felt like, you know, I'm not saying no, I'm never going to be on the valley again. I'm a bridesmaid in Jasmine and Melissa's wedding. Oh, yeah. But I just knew for season three, the place that I was in, it was not going to be the best move for me. So that was 100 % my decision. I think everyone was very shocked by that decision.

26:27Nobody walks away from that much money. But I did. And I'm still very happy with my decision. I think it was the right one. And we don't know what the future holds. But I'm still friends with like almost everyone on that show. Like those are still my real friends. But But it is different when you film with your friends. That's really brave, honestly, because it is so easy to get pressured into just like, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right. But I should say yes. Like people want me to say yes. Good job. One thing I never do is follow my gut. I know they say like, oh, there's women's intuition, mother's intuition.