How to Be the Parent You Never Had (And Why It’s the Hardest—and Most Important—Work You’ll Ever Do)

13:14Deena:I think even the best intentioned parents didn't have access to what you're saying, the brain science when it comes to relationships and regulation. So even at best, we're all growing up in a world that is like, sit down. You don't get out of your room until you calm down. I mean, this is just all of us. So we're talking about a millennial generation of people who have no idea how to regulate their emotions truly. And then on top of that, a lot of us actually come from a little bit more of a traumatic place where we really were truly shamed or shut down for expressing a very normal feeling. right?

13:55Deena:Like I can remember being five, six, seven years old and knowing that I needed to suck my little tears back in, you know, how often I heard something like wipe that look off your face. Why are you ungrateful? And it's not the worst thing in the world. But as you get older, that became my internal voice. Right. And it's like, don't upset anybody. That's going to really upset somebody. How often do we all apologize for crying? How often do we see it? I'm watching the housewives, somebody's crying hysterically and they go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's like, why are we saying sorry for a healthy emotion?

14:29Deena:And because of that, honestly, my nervous system goes into a full panic mode when my kid cries. And when I first became a mom, I didn't understand what that was. I really had no idea that my body was thinking that there's an emergency, that something is very wrong, that there is a problem even when there is no problem. And the reason why is because that's what I learned. I learned that crying means danger. It means rejection because honestly, I had a more extreme reaction to my crying and it was a lot of isolation or escalation or whatever it would be. So I really, as a kid, internalized crying equals danger.

15:14Deena:And now here we are. I have a child and my body is going into danger mode anytime that they cry.

15:21Kristin:That makes so much sense. And I just want to give little Kristen a hug.

15:24Deena:Oh, she can't. She doesn't like that. People don't do that.

15:27Kristin:She's isolated right now. She's not available. Okay, let's take a moment, though, to really just dive into the science of exactly what we're talking about here. So what we're describing is actually a lack of co-regulation. Now, co-regulation is what happens when a calm, emotionally present adult helps a child regulate their own emotions in the moment. So if we didn't get that consistently as kids, our brains didn't build the pathways for healthy emotional regulation, which is exactly what you're describing, Kristen, like spot on. Instead, we learn to suppress, explode, numb, shut down. And according to the science of attachment, kids develop a secure attachment when their caregivers are attuned, when they're consistently responding with warmth, safety, emotional presence.

16:20And I'm

16:21Kristin:not talking about, you know, being perfect. That's just not realistic. We're just talking about being present. So a lot of us didn't get that, which means that we're not just parenting our kids, we're literally reparenting ourselves at the exact same time in these hard moments.

16:39Deena:And I really do, again, think that this is a lot of us, most of us, because again, even if it wasn't super traumatic, it was just sort of the go to. It's like, OK, go get in your room, go to timeout. Don't even look at me. You can't stop. So really, the majority of us who are now becoming parents or who are parents did not get co-regulation. We did not have caregivers that were attuned to our emotions. And so now we're having to figure this out for ourselves while figuring this out for our kids. And I don't know about you, but I think when I understood all of this and that this was actually happening to me, because I had read about it before, but I didn't really put it together until you feel that feeling.

17:22Deena:I honestly felt a bit of grief. I felt really, really, really sad for the little me who did not have the parent who was saying the words that I was saying to my children. And I'm not saying I was always perfect, but let's say that day I had shown up and I said, let it out, baby girl, let it all out, you know, or hey, it's okay to cry. Or before bedtime, I would say like, I love every part of you, happy, mad, sad. Every part of you is great. And there's this sadness, this grief that comes with this work. It's like an ache in your chest when you sit on the floor and you stay calm during your child's meltdown and a voice inside you whispers, damn, no one ever did this for me.

18:17Deena:It's the tears that hit when you say, it's okay to be mad. I'm here. And you realize literally not once did you ever hear that. I think that feeling that ache and feeling that wound, but then deciding to show up differently, that is healing.

18:37Kristin:And it's so hard sometimes in the moment.

18:40Deena:I mean, I don't do it all the time, by the way. Let's just let's just put that out there. The fact that we have intention to do it.

18:46Kristin:Exactly. The fact that this is one of your goals and it's at the forefront, like just that alone is enough. And that's amazing. And from a neuroscience lens, this is about regulation and reactivity. So when your kid has a big feeling and you go into rage or shutdown, so that's your amygdala. That's the part of your brain that is wired for threat, kicking in, turning on, and taking over. Your body isn't just responding to this moment, it's responding to every moment like this that came before. So that's all the childhood stuff right there. Yep. But here's the good news. Your brain is plastic, not like literal plastic, plastic in the sense that it can change, it can grow, it can rewire.

19:35Kristin:And that's what we call neuroplasticity. It is magical. And it means that there is so much potential. And every time you pause, you take a breath, you choose that connection over the control, you're laying new tracks. You're changing the wiring of your brain. And it's hard at first because your brain is not used to doing it a new way. And the more you practice, the more you think about this, the more it's your intention, the easier it eventually becomes. So at the beginning, though, it feels hard. And it's not because you're broken. It's because you're growing. So keep going. You are on the right track.

20:16Kristin:You're doing amazing every time you even just try.

20:19Deena:If I can just break this down in a really non-emotional way. With repetition of reacting a different way than our nervous system wants to react, over time, that groove, if you will, that little groove, you're starting to make a groove in your brain. This is how I think of it. The marble is always going to choose the deeper groove, which is what's been ingrained in you. But each time you go the other side, the groove gets a little deeper and a little deeper and a little deeper until finally it actually becomes the default groove that the marble goes down. Do you understand what I'm saying? Wait, I love that.

20:55Kristin:Oh, really? My face is going, wait, I love the way you describe it.

20:58Deena:Isn't that a good way to think about it? And then it just keeps going and keeps going. And so then that becomes the default and that becomes deeper and that becomes like easy instead of it sort of being resistant to choosing it. Exactly. And what that means, by the way, when we're talking about not being perfect is you're not always going to go down one groove. You're gonna be going on your default one more often. But I think it's so tempting to just give up because you're like, I can't do it. I'm an angry person. I am this. I am that. And it's not actually true. Even if you've done it once, you've started making that groove.

21:35Deena:And if you do it just one more time, one more time, one more time, it's going to keep going, keep going, keep getting deeper.

21:43Kristin:okay quick detour but an important one now besties you know at blf we believe in really leaning into who your unique child is noticing what works for them what does not work for them quieting all the noise and doing what works best for your family and as a parent we all want to set our kids up for success we all want them to thrive and different kids will need different things. And one important area here is empowering them to learn in the ways that are best for them. So if you have been looking for an alternative learning style for your kid, K-12 can help your child start reaching their full potential in life now and give you the support that you need to get them there.

22:27Kristin:So here's how it works. K-12 powered schools are tuition-free online accredited public schools for kindergarten through 12th grade designed to help your child learn at their own pace, in their own place, with an engaging curriculum that supports individual learning styles. Now, this is very different from homeschooling, where you are the sole responsible person for teaching them. K-12 powered schools has state certified teachers that are trained online educators. So they utilize hands on innovative technology to make learning interactive. And they even offer social opportunities. So extracurricular activities and in-person events.

23:05Kristin:K-12 has more than 25 years experience helping students gain the skills that they truly need to thrive in the future. And it could be perfect for your child, too. Join the more than 3 million families who have been served by K-12 and empower your student to reach their full potential now. Go to k12.com slash BLF today to find a tuition-free K-12-powered school near you and enroll now. That's the letter K, the number 12.com slash BLF. k12.com slash BLF. If you know me, you know I love some data. And there's a really cool company out there called Function that will give you some really unique health data that is so insightful for optimizing your day-to-day well-being.

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24:32Kristin:But these can really be game changers for how you feel. Did you know that there are nearly 30 biomarkers that can impact your skin more than your skincare routine? Because really breakouts, dullness, dryness, redness, which I struggled with in the past, they are not just surface issues. They're actually internal signals, and function helps you see them more clearly. Function is the first health membership that gives you access to a hundred and more biomarkers across the whole body. So hormones, metabolism, inflammation, heart, liver. And right now, Function is offering 160 plus lab tests for$365 to anyone who signs up between July 7th and July 11th.

25:13Kristin:To learn more and get started, visit www.functionhealth.com slash feelings.

25:22Deena:Okay, for the besties listening right now, I want you to ask yourself, what's one thing you wish you had received as a child? Okay, not the big stuff, but the emotional stuff, not the Disneyland, but more of those small moments as a kid. Maybe it's the, I see you, or you're not too much, or you're allowed to feel this right now. What did you need to hear as a child, as little you?

25:53Kristin:Just hearing you say that. I mean, I know exactly what I wish someone had shown up and said to me. And it's that you're not too much. You're just a kid with a lot of feelings and you're having a hard time. And I've got you. Like that is what I needed to hear to feel safe with my big feelings.

26:13Deena:Do you say that to yourself now sometimes?

26:15Kristin:I do. You know what? It was weird at first and it took a lot of effort at first because it didn't feel natural. It felt just kind of like forced and strange. And then over time, the more I practice this, the more I can in my hard moments really stop and be like, you know what? You're having a hard time. Everybody has a hard time. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with you. We're going to be OK. You can do this. Good for you.

26:42Deena:I don't feel like I do it in the moment yet. I mean, when I'm in like a red zone, what's my thing? I think I just really needed physical presence is what I have reflected on in years and years and years of therapy. Whenever we kind of do the inner child work, which, by the way, besties get into it. I mean, seriously, do some inner child work because it's no joke when you become a parent and any of these things come up. And so I feel like mine is less of a verbal and it's more that I have to picture somebody actually physically comforting me, which is kind of crazy because like we were at the beginning of the show, I don't really, I don't like to be touched, especially in hard moments.

27:26Deena:but that's because I didn't receive that as a kid. And so when I am trying to sort of quote unquote reparent myself or be gentle with myself, when I make a mistake, I'm wanting and desiring having someone there with me while I had a hard time holding me and just kind of making me feel safe, which honestly feels pretty scary to share right now. This is some vulnerable shit. You know, this is some therapy shit. But you have to go there and realize all of this. You know, it's just bubbling underneath the surface what we didn't get as kids.

28:00Kristin:Especially if you were sent away and isolated. You have to relearn that your feelings, all the feelings, mad, sad, like all of them are okay. And you don't have to just be in it alone.

28:13Deena:That one is so hard on so many levels. Are you that way too? Because I know you were sent away a lot. So don't you feel like you have to fix these things yourselves? If anything, if anything is a mistake, by the way, it's my fault. Everything is wrong, blah, blah, blah. But also like, I'm going to fix this myself. I can do everything myself. I don't need anyone. Like I never ask for help. I never blah, blah, blah. And like, I'm going to fix this. And that's like my instant reaction, whether I'm sad. It's like, I have to do this all, you know, it's almost victim me. Like I'm going to have to do this and no one will help me.

28:44Deena:If I'm mad, I'm like, I'm going to fucking do this. I'll do this all on my own. It's like my instant reaction because of being put in isolation so much.

28:52Kristin:Same. Yeah. That's something I've had to really work through. How'd you do that? Yeah. Honestly, I feel like therapy has helped a ton because it's given me some self-awareness of like what I'm feeling, that all my feelings are okay, that I can handle them. And at the same time, I feel like this is something I'm still honestly working on, especially as a mom, by the way, especially right when I had kids, that default kicked back in where it was like, I will handle everything on my own. I don't need anybody, especially when my partner in this case, my husband was kind of letting me down and not showing up.

29:29Kristin:My default kicked in where it was like, all right, screw it. Like I'll just do it by myself. Then if nobody cares, nobody cares about how I'm feeling and I'm clearly suffering, like I'll just do it on my own. And so that took a lot of work to figure out. And a lot of honestly, like couples therapy, us going together and learning how to hear each other better. And that kind of healed a little bit. Like once he understood how to start helping, and then I understood how to share it more and we could share the load, like that was very, very healing. But at the same time, I mean, the default just kicks back in like here and there.

30:09Kristin:It's just so deep for me.

30:11Deena:So deep. I think, again, like most women, it's just so deep to be like, you know what? I'm just going to do this on my own. And like I've been taught I need to do this on my own. I need to do it with a smile and I need to look pretty while I do it. And I need to look a certain way, be a certain way, sound a certain way, but don't sound like that because then you'll be too bossy. Everybody will think you're a bitch and then don't do this way. It's hard because it's it's from our childhood. It's from being sent to isolation when you have upset feelings, but it's also society. It's also learning little girls need to, you know, take care of everyone.

30:43Deena:They need to take care of everybody and do it a certain way and look a certain way. It's just hard to break that cycle. And I think for me, it's like, I probably should do more of the work that you're talking about, which is letting other people in and softness and help you. I think for me, what I'm working on a lot is trying not to give in to the she's a bitch fear. That's what I'm really trying to work on because I think so many women in business, but also just anywhere, honestly, we do not speak our minds. We do not ask for our basic needs, let alone any needs. We don't stand for what we want or what we deserve, whether that is in the workplace or out of the workplace, in fear of being labeled dramatic, too much, a bitch.

31:42Deena:And that all stems from the same sort of childhood societal messaging. That's the one I'm really trying to work on is like the comfort of knowing not everybody's going to like me. Really hard. Really hard. But did we become content creators for this healing? Because I feel like we did.

31:59Kristin:A hundred percent. I feel like we did.

32:02Deena:I feel like it wrecked me for like three and a half years and something happened this year where I was like, oh, wait, there's a lot of people who aren't going to like me. Like I can either disappear and stop doing this, but also people won't like me in real life too. Or I can continue doing this and like people just aren't going to like me. I'm like, that's fine.

32:22Kristin:That's fine. You have to be okay with that because if you're trying to do it all and be everything for everyone, which is not realistic, that is a recipe for burnout.

32:32Deena:And resentment, by the way. And then people don't like you because you're pretty resentful. You know, it's like bubbling underneath. You're a bitter ass bitch. That

32:39Kristin:happened to me last year.

32:42Deena:Yes. We could get better ass bitch tattoos, both of us, you know? So wait a minute, why doesn't anybody like me? I'm trying so hard to get people to like me. Then you have the resentment and then it's just this cycle. So I think what I've learned is you just have to be yourself and vocalize for your needs. And then people don't like you, but at least you are not like dying on the inside, suffocating with all of your needs unmet.

33:08Kristin:A hundred percent. Let's dive into some tools to actually reparent ourselves. So let's go over four really powerful tools that are actually really easy to use, very doable in your hard moments. Tool number one, when you are having a hard moment, you are literally going to pause and name your feeling. That is it. Name the feeling to yourself. I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling mad, frustrated, whatever it is. naming your feeling helps contain all the internal chaos and organize it so it doesn't feel so overwhelming in that moment. Tool number two, you're going to calm your nervous system and ground yourself.

33:52Kristin:There's lots of different ways that you can do this, but when you are having a hard time, when the feelings are overwhelming, your nervous system is in the red. The alarm Bells are going off. We want to help calm it all down and bring it back to baseline. And some ways that you can do this, put one hand on your chest, one hand on your belly and take a deep breath. It may sound overly simple, but I promise it really helps and it really works. Another thing you can do is put your back against a wall. It's so simple, but literally just go lean with your back against the wall. And the reason this works, it's a very primal thing.

34:34Kristin:But think about back when we were like cave people, if you only have to look in front of you and you don't have to worry about any threats behind you, it is a hack that calms your nervous system. This works in today's world too. Love it. Another thing you can do to help calm that amygdala and get other parts of your brain firing is to smell something very intense. You're going to bring in your other senses and turn them on to calm the amygdala. So this might be grabbing an orange. It might be grabbing some cinnamon out of your cabinet. Whatever is around you, open it up, take a big smell, and that can help ground your system too.

35:14Kristin:Tool number three is all about how you're talking to yourself in this moment. This is huge because a lot of times we are not even aware of what we're saying and we're beating ourselves up. We are spiraling in the emotions. But when we pause and we intentionally say things to ourself, like I am not in danger right now, I feel overwhelmed and I can handle this, this feeling it will pass. Even just a simple, I am safe right now. All of these things can help your nervous system calm down and literally change the way that your brain is firing in the moment so that you can shift out of just pure reaction mode and into response mode.

35:57Deena:And reaction mode, by the way, isn't necessarily us. It's not, oh, I'm dramatic or I'm this way. The reaction mode, it's that instinctual neural pathway that was built by how our parents responded to us. So if crying felt like an emergency because we knew we were about to get in really big trouble, then guess what? We're going to feel like it's an emergency every single time we feel sad or overwhelmed. Or if your parents had some sort of negative talk with you when you were upset, oh, God, you're this or you're that or you're too much. You're going to say that to yourself when you're upset, when you're overwhelmed.

36:35Deena:You're like, God, why am I like this? I'm such a blah, blah, blah. That's what I do. Like I drop something like what's wrong with me? And that's because I was always heard. What's wrong with you? This one for me, tool number three is like some of the biggest work that I do for myself. Just simply saying, there is nothing wrong with you. It's okay to feel mad right now. Period.

36:55Kristin:Exactly. It's amazing. And you get to rewrite the story now. You get to be the author of your life and that rewires your brain. So tool number four is all about the inner child check-in. In that hard moment, you can pause and you can ask yourself, what did I need when I was little, when I was upset. Can I give some of that to myself right now? So you close your eyes, you picture yourself as two-year-old you, four-year-old, six-year-old you. What would you say to them if they were having a hard time, if they were overwhelmed, if they were sad or mad or scared? Giving yourself that comfort, that soothing that so many of us didn't have intentionally in this moment as an adult helps so, so much and can change everything.

37:45Kristin:Okay, so those are the four tools to keep with you, keep them in your pocket, use them whenever you need them.

37:52Deena:I mean, literally every day. I use those four tools every day when we say that whenever you need them. It's every day. You're triggered every day. And this is the work. It seems so simple. It seems so small. But this is the work. And you're doing it. You're already doing it with your kid because I see you. You're here. You're listening to this podcast. And now it's time to do the work with yourself. And it's easier than you think when you have kids, actually, because you're sort of priming your brain to actually start reacting this way. I don't know if you feel this way, Dina, but it was a lot easier to give myself grace or to validate my own feelings or all of these things because I was already doing it with my own kids.

38:35Kristin:I think about like when they spill a cup of milk, right? I'm like, of course they're allowed to make mistakes. Of course they are. And then I'm like, why am I not allowed to make mistakes?

38:45Deena:It's like everyone can make mistakes except for me. Exactly. That is the work. So Bestie, if you've ever felt like you're bad at this whole parenting thing, it's not you. It's that no one ever showed you how. And now you're doing the most sacred work there is. Not just breaking cycles, but becoming the cycle your child will remember. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to do it differently. And that, that's already everything you never got. That's already love. And that is a revolution.

39:26Kristin:And if this episode cracks something open for you, if you're sitting there thinking, okay, I get it. I want to do this work, but how do I actually do it? Like in real life, in the middle of Target, when your kid is just screaming and crying in the middle of a belt down on the floor, well, we've got you.

39:43Deena:That's exactly why we created our Big Little Feelings courses. They're not just full of tips. They're step-by-step guides for real moments when your child is hitting, when they're melting down, when they're pushing every last button. But most importantly, they help you build your own regulation skills too. Because this isn't just about fixing behavior, although our courses do that too. It's about healing. It's about raising emotionally healthy kids and becoming the parent you always needed.

40:15Kristin:You don't have to white-knuckle this on your own. We're here. We've got you. You can find our courses at biglittlefeelings.com slash courses, and they're packed with practical tools that shift tough behaviors and build resilience in the long run. So let's keep growing together.

41:05Kristin:Thank you.