If We Could Only Teach Our Kids 5 Things, It Would Be This

7:07VP Hype Squad:I know what Alex Cooper looks like. And if she was there, I would have recognized her.

7:11Big Little Feelings Host:So let me make this easy for you. That. She looks like that.

7:15VP Hype Squad:Yeah, I know.

7:16Big Little Feelings Host:She looks the exact same. Like pretty much the same. There's no difference.

7:18VP Hype Squad:But you know who was there? Who was there? And I didn't get to talk to you. I would have loved to said hi. Who? Is celebrity chef, screenwriter, actor, extraordinaire, Eddie Huang.

7:29Big Little Feelings Host:Oh, was he there?

7:31VP Hype Squad:He was there.

7:31Big Little Feelings Host:No way. I know, he was there.

7:33VP Hype Squad:I saw him when we first got there and was like, oh, fuck. Oh, really? I want to go talk to him. And then it was so crowded, I couldn't get over to him to say hi.

7:41Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah, no, that's why I really took my shot with Lee and Ernesto. Do I say his name right even? I guess I've never even heard it out loud.

7:48VP Hype Squad:It's like when you learn a word in a book.

7:50Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah, it's exactly that where you learn it on social media on silence. So I have no idea if it is it Uli?

7:56VP Hype Squad:Uli, Uli, perhaps Uli?

7:58Big Little Feelings Host:Probably Uli.

7:59VP Hype Squad:He's spectacular.

8:00Big Little Feelings Host:It was he even made a reel about how absurdly ridiculous I was.

8:06VP Hype Squad:Your intensity.

8:07Big Little Feelings Host:It was too intense. Like Dina was like, respectfully, I've seen you in front of like Dorinda, in front of Luan, lots of celebrities, Paris Hilton, for God's sakes. And like, it was weird.

8:20VP Hype Squad:You screamed in his face. I screamed in his face a few times, but definitely the first time.

8:28Big Little Feelings Host:And what I was going to say is I don't regret it because Stassi and a bunch of the other people were also in the party and then they left before I could actually go up to them or say hi. Yeah. And with Yuli, Yuli, Yuli. Well, now shit. Now I sound like an idiot. What's new? he was literally at the check-in table like we were all waiting at a check-in table it's not as glamorous as it sounds and so it was like the eddie wong thing where i was like i my body like i i didn't even know it was happening i just went over there i just screamed i screamed you're my mariah and i'm getting a lot of shit for that people are like what does that even mean i'm

9:04VP Hype Squad:like if you don't understand what that means you don't deserve to you don't get it you don't

9:09Big Little Feelings Host:deserve to get it okay and you don't understand uli because he's down he got it from the screaming he was down with the reference he well he didn't seem like he seemed he seemed i would call it mid you know like i think he was he definitely tolerated me and that was really nice of him and then as the night went on then you guys talk to him again it was chill the second and then the second time it was chill and we talked about current husband and we introduced you he thought

9:35VP Hype Squad:he was going to be the next john lennon for a moment what does that mean like you were going

9:40Big Little Feelings Host:to murder him because you're so excited yeah no at first it was really like not it was too much it was intense yeah i get it i get it so i have no regrets though because like you said like who knows if he was gonna leave and thank god i got to he was my one person i wanted to say hi to he

9:55VP Hype Squad:was like very chill and like you guys are hitting it off i could tell later in the night you know

10:00Big Little Feelings Host:like like yes in the way that he tolerated me as a fan do you know what i mean and i respect that like there are some people you go up to and you're like oh we're actually gonna be best friends and And like, that's, I mean, I hope that's the vibe, but you know, it was more like he was very nice in terms of me being a fan, which is all you can really ask for. I heard a lot of people at the party were rude.

10:19VP Hype Squad:That's what I heard. I heard a lot. It did seem like a high school. Like there were, there was, it was very clicky. Whoa. Yeah. I didn't notice that, but many people have said that. A lot of people think they're very cool.

10:33Big Little Feelings Host:Right. That's what the vibe people were saying is that people were just like, if somebody went up to them they weren't as like kind or as down like they would just be like it was only like if they knew each other already right were they chill yeah but i was just you know i was that the snacks were fantastic i didn't even have a snack i had one one sushi roll piece i think and it was good yeah that's all i got that's all i got that was good and then me and the security guards were vibing stop because you were literally talking about more yeah i was talking to the security

11:05VP Hype Squad:guards why well i was trying to find somewhere to go to like just have like quiet you know like quiet space yeah this is a very small space and a lot of people yeah i was like what's up like where's the where can i go that's quiet where can i go that has no people and he was like outside and i was like that's it and he was like yeah pretty much i was like i have to go through that whole thing again he was like yeah and i was like for real so we were best friends is how i interpreted that okay that that from him saying probably four words total to me outside loud in here huh

11:35Big Little Feelings Host:yep okay that's great i had a really good time i didn't notice i didn't notice that at all but

11:42VP Hype Squad:my vibe is that i just don't notice things you are like a golden retriever at a party you're just like i'm gonna talk to and it's not how you are like at home no or like in a in like not at home like if we were to go if we were to go to like i don't know where do we go outside nowhere if we were to go outside we never do desire for like zero conversation yeah right but when you go to parties you turn it on and you're just like boom boom boom and you're just like so happy to meet everybody there's like no bad vibes for you you're just running up to

12:19Big Little Feelings Host:everybody wagging your tail sometimes i'm too much sometimes i'm like knocking them over listen like with Uli. Sometimes noodles too much. Sometimes you got to bring noodles back down.

12:29VP Hype Squad:Steps on my feet sometimes, you know,

12:31Big Little Feelings Host:stop pumping, you know,

12:32VP Hype Squad:you're just thrilled to be there.

12:33Big Little Feelings Host:That is a hundred percent true. And it is not how I am. But since I was diagnosed with ADHD, I feel like it makes a lot of sense because I was always like, I don't understand. Like I am an introvert because after something like that, I need literally like a week.

12:49VP Hype Squad:You always get sick too.

12:50Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah, I'm literally just, I'm literally still sick right now, a week later from the party.

12:56VP Hype Squad:Anytime you go to a big event, you get sick within two days.

12:59Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah. But when I'm there, I can't help it. I love it. Here's what I'm going to say before we shift, though, is like I was not always that way. Like if you remember early Big Little Feelings, it was like, I don't know how to make friends. I feel really weird at all these events. this is what blew my mind when i realized this the other day is i have gone to lots of events now which is crazy i don't even understand how this has happened it feels like once a month yeah like crazy stuff like lauren conrad is hosting like just crazy stuff okay i have always felt like an outsider my whole life no matter what room i'm walking into right so if you neurodivergent experience it's like kindergarten it could be the softball field it could be a room of parents it it doesn't matter.

13:43Big Little Feelings Host:I just feel like I don't belong there. When it is a room of creators, I feel like I belong there. I feel like I can own the space. I feel like I feel at ease because I feel like and even and I'm going to say this, anybody in the entertainment industry, which is a weird perspective, because I think most people would be like, oh, this is a really high end celebrity like I have nothing in common with them or whatever I feel like anybody who had to do things outside of the normal way of doing things was a misfit and like sure I feel like I can relate to these people who have created careers out of just just they had to they couldn't go if you stuck me in a room in like corporate America I couldn't speak to the people like I can't do it zero chance oh my god like a Chad a room of Chad and Kyle's I couldn't do it I would just have to Like I try, but there's just no way it's happening.

14:37VP Hype Squad:Here's the thing with me. I'm going to find the caterers and the event staff.

14:42Big Little Feelings Host:But do they want you to find them? No, of course not.

14:47VP Hype Squad:What I'm saying is otherwise I'd be standing there by myself.

14:50Big Little Feelings Host:Oh, I'm sorry.

14:51VP Hype Squad:You don't apologize. I'm good with it.

14:53Big Little Feelings Host:A lot of times I bring you with me.

14:55VP Hype Squad:Yeah, but that's even more awkward.

14:57Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah. Sometimes you're like, I just need to go outside and have a minute because I'm just I'm flying around high, you know? No, not literally. Not literally. Not literally. You wanted a gummy on the way. And I was like, I swear to God. It's New York City. We're in New York City, sweetheart.

15:14VP Hype Squad:Give me a gummy bear, sweetheart.

15:16Big Little Feelings Host:Are you out of your mind that you're going to? I was like given this literally met the CFO of Time magazine and talked to him for like 20 minutes. And you think we're going to take gummies. I'm not that kind of creator, babe. OK, like I'm you can be a distant. Well, I'm already there. Can you imagine if I saw Uli and I was on fucking gummies?

15:35VP Hype Squad:Yeah, that'd be...

15:38Big Little Feelings Host:Chiller or more intense? I honestly don't know what direction that would go.

15:42VP Hype Squad:I don't know.

15:42Big Little Feelings Host:We'll have to find out.

15:43VP Hype Squad:One day.

15:45Big Little Feelings Host:Besties, I don't do gummies. I have no judgment for the people who do because a lot of people love the marijuanas. It makes me paranoid, but I haven't done it in decades. So perhaps on my deathbed or in a week long...

16:01VP Hype Squad:Saving it all for the end, huh?

16:02Big Little Feelings Host:I don't know.

16:03VP Hype Squad:Maybe I'll take a gummy one day, but like not at a time magazine, not at a big opportunity that I've waited my entire career for. That's fair. I get that.

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21:09VP Hype Squad:But before we do, we should have made a whole episode

21:12Big Little Feelings Host:about this by the way yeah we should know duh i do want to connect that because you're saying like

21:17VP Hype Squad:oh when you started in all this going to the parties you felt so awkward you know square peg round hole yeah and then you found out you had your adhd right yeah and then you suited these events to your personality yeah and to your brain yeah and now you thrive thrive nice thrive but

21:35Big Little Feelings Host:again if i were to go to it really event dependent like even if i get dropped into a room and it's Again, it's like a bunch of, sorry, there might be some bros listening. I doubt it. But real estate, finance bros, I don't know. I'm not going to bounce around that room. That's fair. Nothing against the room. I just don't have spreadsheets to talk about. Synergy. Synergy. Tyler just gave me a cut sign. Cut it out. Cut it. Good segue. way okay so here are the five things that tyler and i hope our kids know long after we're gone we put this list together together tyler open your eyeballs i this is what i always do open your that's not true i always rest my eyes absolutely that's not true that's a little meantime that's not this is not for me this is not you time this is pod time let's do it okay Five things Tyler and I hope our kids know Long after we are gone Plus a couple extra Because when we were putting these together I wanted them to be you know like big Moments like big things That we really want our kids to carry into adulthood And Tyler

22:44VP Hype Squad:Mine objectively are They're just more in a Like

22:50Big Little Feelings Host:Different category

22:51VP Hype Squad:Different style

22:53Big Little Feelings Host:They needed their own moment If you will

22:58VP Hype Squad:You know, they don't belong in the list.

23:00Big Little Feelings Host:They don't belong on this list, but it's not like they don't belong anywhere.

23:03VP Hype Squad:They belong on a list, but not this one, probably.

23:06Big Little Feelings Host:So we're going to rapid fire those at the end. And that's what you have to look forward to.

23:10VP Hype Squad:I'm stoked.

23:11Big Little Feelings Host:I know. I was talking about the besties, but you too. That's what you have to look forward to.

23:17VP Hype Squad:Oh, we're all excited. Me and the besties are excited right now.

23:21Big Little Feelings Host:I'm excited too, to be honest with you. Probably the best part. number one don't spend your life becoming who everyone else wants you to be oh lord oh lord

23:30VP Hype Squad:tell me go bitch what do you mean go go ahead i thought you were i thought you were gonna start that up i know i know you have things to say already see i forgot to breathe i was holding my breath by accident can you say it again say it again girl i'd love to i like today i'm doing a

23:48Big Little Feelings Host:real like girl bitch vibe. I got to knock that off.

23:50VP Hype Squad:You seem like you got sleep.

23:52Big Little Feelings Host:I did. And you went, well, no, to be fair, I was up all night. So then I woke you up in the morning at six 30 and said, hi, I've been up all night. I need to go back to sleep now. So like, technically, yes, I got sleep just now. You know, you're you're fresh.

24:11VP Hype Squad:I'm fresh. I'm fresh into the day.

24:13Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah. don't spend your life becoming who everyone else wants you to be can you fucking imagine having any semblance of that from like your parents or caregivers or people around you yeah like obviously

24:26VP Hype Squad:that's like great but the the crazy part yeah is like i'm i'm was never able to achieve being what everybody else wanted me to be that's the wild part so it's not even like i wasn't myself i wasn't like the version that people wanted either you're laughing and i'm just

24:47Big Little Feelings Host:personality purgatory identity purgatory whoa that's a really interesting perspective to be fair i don't feel like i did either i think a lot of us especially neurodivergent kids but just in general anybody yeah i mean i think dina like if she were here she would say that she nailed it some people do like obsessively and not like in a good way like it didn't feel good and it was an

25:11VP Hype Squad:absolute detriment but like she achieved it she achieved it yeah like she got the age she was the

25:15Big Little Feelings Host:good girl like she was exactly what she wanted people to think that she was on the inside and

25:20VP Hype Squad:now check her out autistic lady way into f1 good for her and she's thriving thriving thriving no i

25:27Big Little Feelings Host:really want to come back to that because that's such an interesting i mean that that said that's different than what we're even talking about because the one trauma is you spend your life becoming who everyone else wants you to be that's not just a neurodivergent thing that's an everybody

25:41VP Hype Squad:everybody wants to be what the people they look up to want them to be their caregivers and who

25:48Big Little Feelings Host:they love and then it also becomes then your friends and the people around you but it starts with the caregivers it goes into the friends it goes into wow so it's the sit still be quiet

26:00VP Hype Squad:do this do that and you can't do that then like you're just like oh i can't be who i need to be

26:06Big Little Feelings Host:to be loved in order to be loved to be worthy yeah okay so the second part i want to come back to that the second so that's the first trauma and then your second trauma is that you never were able to achieve you felt like you were never able to achieve even that and you spent your life trying to yeah and then i just rebelled say more well you know you become an angsty teenager so

26:28VP Hype Squad:it's like i'm not going to do well on purpose because i can't in the first place so i'm not even going to try to anymore and like i could have but it was just like so opposite of what my body

26:40Big Little Feelings Host:was trying to have me do and what was what were they trying to make to have you be just like a

26:45VP Hype Squad:good student living up to my potential bump bump oh god the potential on the report card not even report like applied herself teacher meetings with teachers like in front of me like

26:58Big Little Feelings Host:oh you're so smart but you're not just applied yourself you're not applying yourself you're not doing what you need to if only distracted if only i did you know i had a teacher try to strangle me

27:08VP Hype Squad:with a mouse wire on a computer for those of you that are younger parents computer mice used to have cords stop is that what worked and i don't have time for i don't have time to dig into everything

27:21Big Little Feelings Host:I mean, I do.

27:23VP Hype Squad:I'm saying it was a small Peruvian lady in Spanish class. OK, but it was like Spanish five because I was really good at Spanish, but I was very disruptive. So I got strangled lightly. I think she was joking. Not a good joke.

27:41Big Little Feelings Host:I don't know where to go from. Number two.

27:48Big Little Feelings Host:I think that we all as millennials had parents who did this and and there wasn't even a version of trauma I said trauma earlier but I think it was just it just was parenting at the time where it's like you needed to be the helper you needed to be the achiever you needed to be the social one you also needed to be easy like our parents did not have the space or time or capacity even if you were in a trauma-free household to be like yeah go ahead and let you know let it all out Be exactly who you are. And also, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to. Mine was like, you have 105 fever. You are going like, get out there.

28:22Big Little Feelings Host:Get on the bench. Smile. Why is your face look like that? What your face? Make your face look different.

28:28VP Hype Squad:I think part of it is a lot of baby boomers not only shouldn't have been parents, but also didn't want to be parents. They just did it because they felt like they had to because their parents were like, you get a job like this and then you have kids and you get married and you stay married forever. and so we ended up with like a bunch of like miserable parents that felt like they had to have kids and then you know when they we when you didn't fit in the mold you gotta get in that mold

28:53Big Little Feelings Host:man i first of all that also goes back to literally don't spend your life becoming who everyone wants you to be this is like intergenerational work that we're doing literally those parents were like well i guess i need to do what we have to do i agree with you and that's like our parent vibe but i also think there's a lot of people who are listening whose parents like really wanted to be parents and were like very loving parents and this was still just the generation of just like be funny be outgoing be quiet be still be you know get good grades i didn't get the i didn't

29:28VP Hype Squad:get the other ones there's there's millennials out there that had like great parents that like

29:33Big Little Feelings Host:should be did you know that some people sorry did you know some people had good childhood stop

29:37VP Hype Squad:stop stop i'm so happy for them i used to be really jealous and now i'm just like i'm thrilled for you because like check you out check you out now check you out well you're healthy

29:50Big Little Feelings Host:proud of you tyler i can't even get to my lines i can't even get to my lines about the things

29:55VP Hype Squad:you know but i love it you wanted me to bring some sauce i love that you're bringing your sauce now

29:59Big Little Feelings Host:he's awake he has eyeballs open i love it you're bringing your trauma if there is one thing that i teach my kids. And by the way, the best way to teach your kids anything is to be doing it and living it yourself, not saying it out loud. But the one thing would be the people who are meant for you will never require you to become someone else to keep them. If you spend your life earning love by performing, then you're never going to know people who actually love you. You're only going to know people who love your performance. And we spent decades performing, Tyler and I, like specifically, and I know a lot of us.

30:41Big Little Feelings Host:So it's like you need to be your full, raw. Yes. Also, kind, you know, empathic repair after you've made mistakes. Self, you can't just be an asshole, but like your full self and not the performance of you. Research by our queen, Brene Brown and decades of work on belonging consistently point to the same idea. Fitting in is becoming who you think other people want you to be. Belonging is being accepted for who you actually are. And there's tons of studies on authenticity that show people who feel able to live in alignment with their true values and identity report greater well-being, stronger relationships, and lower levels of anxiety and depression.

31:25Big Little Feelings Host:Tyler, I mean, you want to weigh in on self-worth and depression and the outcome of spending your life trying to fit into other people's expectations in under one minute?

31:40VP Hype Squad:I mean, I've spent a whole lot of money on therapy.

31:43Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah, a lot. It checks out.

31:47VP Hype Squad:But what you said, performing for love. Performing to earn love. that's ridiculous and it's true and that's like why i don't encourage our kids to to be any certain kind of way as long as they're if they're showing up as like their authentic selves in their pursuits i support it it can be weird as hell weird as hell just get super weird with it i'm not into like messes that's kristin's thing but i support it i support it cleaner okay

32:19Big Little Feelings Host:be yourself just cleaner. Okay. Number two, your feelings are real. Your story about them might not be. Okay. So let me explain this one a little bit because it's kind of like a Hallmark greeting card. Your feelings are real. Your story about them might not be. So listen, at Big Little Feelings, we are all about validating feelings and the purple crayon is really purpley and toddler meltdowns and things like that. So we're doing great. Once your kids start to get older, oh, Lord, we get into the next phase of parenting. This is one thing that I think is so important to teach not only your kids, but also yourself.

32:57Big Little Feelings Host:If you're not there yet, here's what our brains do. OK, so something happens. It's something upsetting, whatever. OK, and within about half a second, our brain writes an entire story. So let's say your friend doesn't text you back. OK, and the story that you say in your head is, oh, my God, She's mad at me. I did something, whatever. You get an email from your boss and they want to meet. This literally happened to me yesterday and it was actually about softball. It wasn't about even like a boss. But your boss says they want to meet and your story is, oh, my God, I'm getting fired. Literally with the softball thing, it was like, OK, they're going to ask me not to be a coach anymore.

33:36Big Little Feelings Host:Like, it's fine. I'm going to prepare myself. I wasn't very good at being a coach, so they're going to ask me to leave. And this is like the third time this has happened when somebody has been on the softball team and been like, hey, you know, can you give me a call real quick? Every single time my brain is like, all right, Kristen, like, you know, you just you weren't you weren't hard on them. And, you know, these people want you to be hard on them and it's OK. They're going to let you go. They're going to ask you not to coach. It's a story that I told myself. So the feeling is real. The feeling is happening in your body.

34:07Big Little Feelings Host:OK, the the dread, the guilt, whatever it is, the story, maybe or maybe not. And so if I could teach my kids one thing, it's you don't have to believe every thought your brain has. Your brain is a prediction machine, not a truth machine. So it is going to base things off of trauma. It's going to base things off of how your natural nervous system has been wired. So if your parents talked in a certain way for a very long period of time, then your brain is instantly going to go to that place. Let's say your parents always went to a worst case scenario. Your brain is going to go to a worst case scenario.

34:50Big Little Feelings Host:Opposite is true. If your parents always went to kind of best case scenario, then you don't have to worry about this. But feelings deserve to be listened to. Right. Always listen to your feelings. Stories, let's be curious about the stories that you are attaching to the feelings.

35:06VP Hype Squad:Girl, since Dean is not here, I'm gonna jump in with the science shit.

35:09Big Little Feelings Host:Hell yeah. A 2020 study found that humans have

35:13VP Hype Squad:at a minimum 6 ,000 thoughts per day. 6 ,000 thoughts.

35:18Big Little Feelings Host:That feels low. Only 6 ,000?

35:20VP Hype Squad:They say up to 60 ,000.

35:21Big Little Feelings Host:Okay, yeah, we're on that level.

35:23VP Hype Squad:Go ahead. So most of those are automatic. Most of those are like, oh, I'm uncomfortable in my seat. I'm going to shift my butt a little bit to get a little bit more comfortable. Others are, oh, email about coaching. I'm going to get fired from my coaching spot. What you're describing, the work in that is literally the foundation of CBT and DBT.

35:41Big Little Feelings Host:It sure is.

35:42VP Hype Squad:Cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. It sure is. And what that is, is jumping in in those moments. You don't need to jump in and be like, oh, is my butt really uncomfortable? Or do I think I look funny? So I'm not going to shift my butt in this chair. That one, you don't need to dive into. The coaching one, you can dive into the middle of that. If you let emotions go from your brain, they pass through your body in eight seconds, unless you feed them. So if you jump in there with, well, I don't know what it is. They're just saying they want to talk about coaching. We'll find out what it is when we get there.

36:17VP Hype Squad:Those feelings of whatever you're feeling when you think you're going to get fired will pass through your body in eight seconds. If the story you usually tell yourself is around guilt or shame or what you're doing wrong, that's what those automatic thoughts become. You don't even jump in, you automatically go to, I did something wrong, I'm in trouble for something, yada, yada, yada. but if you're raised in a place where mistakes are allowed and feelings are allowed and all of your emotions are allowed that automatically happens too so that's what i'm trying to encourage in our house is like it's okay that you made a mistake like we're learning from this we don't make mistakes we learn like we either succeed or we learn those are the two options we don't fail right is this foreplay hey what up girl podcast over later guys see you next time besties

37:06Big Little Feelings Host:like talking about cbt tyler has done a lot of therapy in the past i don't know three or four years three or four years so like you know everything about cbt so i'm so impressed that you picked that up they're like this is kristin what you're describing is cbt and i'm just like damn dude wow yeah so research consistently shows that learning to notice and challenge automatic thoughts can reduce anxiety depression and emotional reactivity we want to pass that down super impressed thanks dina would be so proud she would be wow number three build a life that fits your brain not someone else's this is what i'm telling you when you show up to a party

37:46VP Hype Squad:like a golden retriever be that golden retriever you don't have to fit into a mold you don't have to be you don't have to play coy with yuli you just run up to him and scream in his face

37:57Big Little Feelings Host:because that's your style that's me embrace it i have no other way he's scared but maybe he's

38:03VP Hype Squad:into it.

38:03Big Little Feelings Host:Maybe he's into it. I think it's both. It's like that part maybe is more normal for people. You know, you're supposed to be outgoing and social. And yeah, I took it too far. So like a lot of people would probably be embarrassed. And I've let go of that. I'm 40. It's actually the part after that I have fully had to rewrite the story of what is best for my brain. The part where now I need to hibernate. And I mean that like our kids don't count because obviously I have to parent and I have to do. But I do have to ask Tyler. I do have to say like, hey, I have something called a talk to no one day.

38:41Big Little Feelings Host:And like I will say like, Tyler, can I have a talk to no one day where I wake up? He always says, hell yeah, bitch. I wake up and he has taken care of the kids in the morning. And by the time I wake up a little bit later and I take the day off of work, which I realize I'm very privileged to do. And I try to literally speak to no one. I think that is such a first of all, obviously, now we know neurodivergent thing, but I've been this way my whole life. So I have had many people that I am close to many, many people, including you actually at the very beginning, by the way, be like, this is really weird.

39:19Big Little Feelings Host:Like the fact that you need two hours midday every day, where I have to like put the shades down. I have to put on a white noise machine. I don't necessarily need to sleep, but I need to block out all stimulation, all stimulus, all of it. And then certain days where I just don't talk to anyone. And obviously, again, I have kids. So like this doesn't happen as often as I wish it could.

39:42VP Hype Squad:And it's not like until like midnight.

39:44Big Little Feelings Host:But the difference is like I fully accept that's what I need. And when I had those horrible, horrible migraines that then led to me having a little meant to be, and then I went on Lexapro, there were a lot of things going on at that time. But one thing that I really was doing was in my business, actually, I was trying really hard to be normal. There were like 100 Zoom calls. I was trying to be the leader that I'm supposed to be. I was hopping on this and hopping on that. And normal people do this and normal people do that. And I distinctly remember saying like I normal people don't take two hour breaks in the middle of the day.

40:25Big Little Feelings Host:Normal people don't do, you know, the things that I need to do in order to recover. And I couldn't hang, man. Like I just couldn't hang. And that's my brain. And that's not everybody else's brain. So other people need to like go, go, go. And they don't need to do that. And they feel that's weird. I don't know. Like there's different versions of it. But I cannot tell you how long I have spent feeling ashamed, feeling lazy, feeling like other people can do this. So I not even why can't I, but I need to for so long.

40:58VP Hype Squad:You come off of those so fresh and so energized and so charged up.

41:03Big Little Feelings Host:My talk to no one days.

41:04VP Hype Squad:Yeah, man. Girl, I need one right now. Me too. Me too.

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42:40Big Little Feelings Host:ResortPass. The day is yours. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Okay, can I admit something that feels a little bit embarrassing? Well, I used to feel embarrassed about it, but, you know, self-love, self-awareness. I'm healing this part of me. But it is incredibly hard for me to make a doctor's appointment. Like, I can handle a toddler throwing a chair across the kitchen because I cut the toast into triangles instead of squares. and I can manage three kids melting down at the same time. But calling a doctor's office, suddenly I'm like, you know what? Maybe this mysterious thing happening to my body will simply just resolve itself.

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46:23VP Hype Squad:chime in that like it feels like our family is like the one you see in movies but like in their adult phases like our kids have embraced themselves so much that it's literally like trying to wrangle like three humans for the holidays but that's every day where it's like you need this you need this this person needs that this person's doing this thing it's like i feel that i feel that and

46:49Big Little Feelings Host:And I think that is because we allow them to do what their brains need to do. So allow we encourage, we encourage and allow, which that's true. I mean, how mind blowing is that? Like when we were kids, it was just I mean, I remember the feeling of being. And again, this is not trauma, but I just remember the feeling of being dragged around all day because like my mom wanted to go do whatever all day. And for me being overstimulated, it was like it physically really it hurts. It's hard. It's like I could cry as even an adult, like thinking of that feeling again. And it doesn't mean that we're not perfect.

47:26Big Little Feelings Host:Like we can get out there and we're like, yep, this one's overstimulated and we still have another hour at softball. And they're still going. It's not like, oh, you don't have to go to this.

47:34VP Hype Squad:You don't have to go to that. Like if we can accommodate, sure. But like, it's also like, OK, you're coming to this. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hate that too.

47:41Big Little Feelings Host:Sometimes we have to do that. And then more times than not, we're like, OK, how can we balance this? Like you're going to go take this oldest one to go do ziplining and Disney. And yes, you guys will probably be out until midnight. And then, you know, next week you'll have a one on one time with the middle one. And like you guys will probably be home in an hour because, you know, like we just know what's what each we know and we foster and we accommodate and we encourage like listen to your body as much as we can, as much as we can. Self-determination theory has found that people experience greater well-being when they make choices based on autonomy and authenticity rather than external expectations.

48:18Big Little Feelings Host:And research on neurodiversity also shows that outcomes improve dramatically when environments are adapted to people instead of expecting people to constantly adapt to their environments. Constantly adapt to the environment should be the title of my memoir and probably all of our neurodivergent memoirs. Number four, you become what you practice noticing. This one blows my mind. And this is something that I have worked on for so long that it almost has now become second nature. And I actually cannot believe it. So your brain is paying attention all day long. And your brain is constantly asking, what should I remember?

48:59Big Little Feelings Host:What should I store? How should I remember this? So if every day you're noticing the red lights and who likes you and what's missing and what's unfair and what fell on the ground and all of the security, your luggage got pulled over at security and all of the things that go wrong. And those are the things that you're saying out loud. And those are the things that you're fixating on. Your brain gets unbelievably good at finding more of that. When you practice noticing moments of connection, of like really tiny wins, of people who make you feel, I don't know, good, of noticing a leaf and beauty in nature and all of this stuff that's like, oh, you know, it's like, this is kind of woo, but it's actually not.

49:49Big Little Feelings Host:Neuroscience shows that your brain starts collecting evidence for that too. And you don't see the world as it actually is. You're seeing the world how you've trained your brain to notice. And here's the thing. Like if you really zoom out, there are just as many teeny tiny wins as there are setbacks. There are just as many green lights when you are driving to wherever you're driving to. But every time you go through a green light, you're not going awesome green light i made it every time you're hitting a red light though you're going oh god but what do you have to say i what do you have to say i noticed the green lights no you don't oh hell yeah another green light oh no only recently only recently no way jose and how many red lights do you notice you know what i do now i know what i do now if the light is green i go i wonder if i'll

50:40VP Hype Squad:make it when i used to go oh i'm not gonna make it we're not gonna make it now i go oh i wonder

50:45Big Little Feelings Host:if we're gonna make this light you're actively retraining your brain that's right that you're trying to do this too. I know you are. So your attention is a habit. Your brain is literally an expert at whatever you ask it to look for. And what you repeatedly notice, it becomes your actual reality. I know that for me, again, I grew up in like a darker home, nothing, you know, I don't want to get too far into it, but it just wasn't always, we're not saying toxic positivity. I want to be really, really clear. It's just, you know, you've been around certain people. OK, you can notice it where it's just like they notice every single teeny tiny thing that goes wrong or you've been in yourself like you've just had a really tough day.

51:28Big Little Feelings Host:And so you start to just notice all the things that are stacking up and you're not noticing any of the wins. But I promise you, if you actually start working on this, you can notice both. Right. Like acknowledge the things that are making you feel bad or sad or mad. It's just also notice the very small things that go right. You're going to notice and be irritated when your coffee order takes too long. But when it doesn't take too long, like we just move on. And when your luggage gets stopped, we're like, oh, God. But when it actually makes it through, nobody is like, oh, awesome. And research backs this up all the way because of the brain's negativity bias.

52:03Big Little Feelings Host:We're naturally wired to notice threats more than positives. But research on neuroplasticity shows repeated attention literally strengthens certain neural pathways over time, changing what we notice automatically. I'm breezing through to number five. Protect your peace more than your image.

52:20VP Hype Squad:Go scream in Yuli's face. What? Go scream in Yuli's face. That's protecting your peace.

52:25Big Little Feelings Host:I love that you're coming back to that as like my authentic self. My authentic self is screaming, you're my Mariah at Yuli. And then also then hiding in a dark room.

52:35VP Hype Squad:I think the thing about it is like, you don't feel bad about it after. That's protecting your peace, not your image. You're not worried that he's like big little feelings came up and screamed in my face.

52:45Big Little Feelings Host:I mean, he did make a reel about that, but he was he liked it.

52:47VP Hype Squad:But he was into it.

52:48Big Little Feelings Host:He was OK with it.

52:49VP Hype Squad:He was good with it. But you were protecting your peace. You're like, I feel good about that. I'm good.

52:55Big Little Feelings Host:Yes. And like larger picture, I think, again, our parents generation was a lot about image. Again, I'm not talking just traumatic households. I'm talking in general. Image was everything. And even like even before COVID, it was kind of that way. Social media, it was like everything was aspirational. Everything was like we were raised to optimize for how things looked like we weren't sharing with, you know, family, friends, things and struggles like we were supposed to look like the perfect, nice, happy family like marketing USA, man, marketing USA. We learned marketing from an early age. Probably why I'm so good at what I do.

53:37Big Little Feelings Host:Don't disappoint anyone. Don't make people uncomfortable. Don't be difficult. You know, look successful. Look happy. Look like you have it all together. I think that was really the way that most people, we all operated. And then I think after COVID, we all kind of like, we're like, you know what? Why don't we all be vulnerable? And like, you know, there are highs, there are lows. Be yourself. You don't have to have this perfect image of yourself that then behind the scenes, you're crumbling.

54:01VP Hype Squad:You know why?

54:02Big Little Feelings Host:Why?

54:02VP Hype Squad:Because everybody feels that way.

54:04Big Little Feelings Host:Yeah.

54:05VP Hype Squad:so like the dominoes falling of one person admitting they get depressed another person admitting they have anxiety another person saying they have body image issues yeah all it takes is like some people doing that and like more and more people have done that and that's why like we're in a good time for like i mean we're not in a good time for like a lot of stuff

54:26Big Little Feelings Host:let me be clear like this is not a good time wait you're noticing you're noticing good is that like our generation is working on themselves so hard and our generation i think is being authentic you don't even like always necessarily have to completely optimize yourself but you can also try to come back to this sort of authenticity and there's a huge difference between a life that looks good and a life that feels good yeah and i affirms you and you know what's so funny

55:00VP Hype Squad:what is like that's where we get all the millennial hate from and the zoomers get all the hate from is because people go to work from nine to five and they don't stay late they do their assignments and then they go take care of themselves and people are like oh millennials are so soft and yada yada and it's like dog we're just being ourselves we're just like not coming home and

55:20Big Little Feelings Host:like beating our children because we're so like depleted past the point of and like putting on a big mask all day you know studies on authenticity consistently find that living in alignment with your values is associated with higher life satisfaction lower stress and healthier relationships duh chronic people pleasing and self-silencing on the other hand are linked with anxiety burnout and depression you've been there tyler give me he actually speaking of which he

55:47VP Hype Squad:needs to go to therapy right now give me a wrap going to tms dog tms in under 10 seconds what's

55:52Big Little Feelings Host:TMS?

55:53VP Hype Squad:TMS is transcranial magnetic stimulation. So it uses magnets to shoot magnets through my brain. And I forgot what area of my brain. It's like the front of my brain that stimulates low stimulation areas of the brain, specifically ones that take care of depression, anxiety, and other stuff. But yeah, it's worked before and this is my second time doing it. So if you're out there considering TMS I strongly strongly support it you're doing it for anxiety and depression anxiety mostly mostly anxiety I take care of my depression otherwise that was like that was like I take care of my depression with cocaine yeah the old-fashioned way the old-fashioned just like

56:36Big Little Feelings Host:our parents did masking and alcohol but no and that's like showing them that I like work on myself and that's like part of it before you go to TMS you have your rapid fire rapid fire shit the kids need to learn or things you want to teach your kids that we couldn't put in the middle of this list, but are very important.

56:52VP Hype Squad:They're important, but they don't belong on this list. Number one, know how to use a map and compass. Yup. Kristen, do you know how to get to our house from anywhere?

57:02Big Little Feelings Host:No.

57:02VP Hype Squad:Exactly.

57:03Big Little Feelings Host:Not even down the street.

57:04VP Hype Squad:Exactly. If I've been to a place one time in my life, I can get back there.

57:08Big Little Feelings Host:That's not a joke.

57:09VP Hype Squad:That's literally not a joke. Even if it was decades ago in another country, I can find it on a map.

57:14Big Little Feelings Host:If I've spent decades going on the same route to go to the same place, I still wouldn't know how to do it myself.

57:20VP Hype Squad:No, you have no idea. You have no idea.

57:22Big Little Feelings Host:Next.

57:22VP Hype Squad:Next. How to be an excellent and courteous driver.

57:28Big Little Feelings Host:Who cares, man?

57:29VP Hype Squad:Exactly. Who cares? Exactly. I teach them what each lane is for. It just doesn't matter.

57:35Big Little Feelings Host:Go ahead.

57:37VP Hype Squad:It just doesn't matter. You just plow through lights. It's basically everything that Kristen doesn't know how to do.

57:45Big Little Feelings Host:I'm a very courteous driver because I'm nice and I just don't care.

57:50VP Hype Squad:Like, I'm just like, come on in.

57:52Big Little Feelings Host:Come on over. Dude, we're all just back. I'm going to stop at this yellow.

57:57VP Hype Squad:You know, I'm not in a hurry. I'm going to stop at this yellow. I'm late already. It doesn't matter.

58:03Big Little Feelings Host:Nothing matters.

58:03VP Hype Squad:What's another five minutes?

58:05Big Little Feelings Host:Nothing matters.

58:08VP Hype Squad:Is this literally just going to be a list for you? How to cook?

58:16Big Little Feelings Host:Okay, but I do. This is very important and I want them to learn how to wash their own clothes.

58:25VP Hype Squad:I swear to God, I wasn't even thinking about you.

58:36VP Hype Squad:Oh, my God. What else don't you know how to do? that we can add to this list. I'm pretty

58:44Big Little Feelings Host:comprehensive. Go to the DMV.

58:45VP Hype Squad:Go to the DMV.

58:47Big Little Feelings Host:Register

58:48VP Hype Squad:a vehicle.

58:49Big Little Feelings Host:I'm sorry, but that is not authentic to my body. My body cannot do that. I can't. It can't do that.

58:55VP Hype Squad:Sometimes we just need some help.

58:56Big Little Feelings Host:I can't register a vehicle. Get a new one. Start over. Dump this one. Have the registration mailed to me. I can't go to the DMV.

59:06VP Hype Squad:This one, the last one is one that you're good on. Is traveling the world to understand other people from around the world. It's really important. You learn about yourself and the rest of the world when you travel.

59:17Big Little Feelings Host:To be clear, I think it's really important that they learn how to cook and wash their own clothes. Oh, absolutely. Because I don't know how to.

59:22VP Hype Squad:I don't think either of us went to college knowing how to do either of those.

59:25Big Little Feelings Host:You know how to cook really well. So that's where you have to teach our kids. And I just, pressure is on because I cannot.

59:34VP Hype Squad:Yeah.

59:34Big Little Feelings Host:Okay. Go to TMS. I'll wrap this up.

59:36VP Hype Squad:Magnet time, baby.

59:37Big Little Feelings Host:Do you have anything else? What else can I do? I don't know okay no that was good you're pretty amazing that was great oh that's nice of you I just can't cook or wash my clothes teach them

59:47VP Hype Squad:teach the girls how to be strong independent women that follow their heart and dreams teach our boy to respect women that do that check done done done

59:57Big Little Feelings Host:I got the important stuff I got the important stuff I want them to learn how to cook though yeah can you cook something been a while yeah

1:00:04VP Hype Squad:it's been a while I gotta go

1:00:07Big Little Feelings Host:bye bye okay OK, that turned into a really fun episode. I wasn't sure because it's like, you know, it's a more serious topic. But VP Hype Squad, Tyler always makes it more fun. So if you listen to this episode, if you loved it, I also want to know the five things like did they slap? Is there something missing? Leave a review. Obviously, it has to be five stars. Otherwise, Tyler's confidence will be crushed and his self-worth will go down the drain. No pressure, no pressure. But let us know, like, is there something that we miss? Is there something that's really important to you that you're going to teach to your kids.

1:00:40Big Little Feelings Host:And at the end of the day, like this list, listen, I just know that we're not going to get everything right. I'm not going to get everything right. You're not going to get everything right. Tyler's not going to get everything right. And there's going to be a lot of moments where I'm going to lose my patience and I'm going to apologize. I'm going to do things wrong. But I think really zooming out years from now if they know these core concepts and these core concepts. I don't think that these like really deeply set beliefs, the things like coming home to yourself, don't believe every scary story your brain tells you, build a life that actually fits who you are, notice the good, protect your peace, don't perform for the world.

1:01:27Big Little Feelings Host:I don't think those core beliefs can be erased by little mistakes that I've made as a mom. Like if I give them mac and cheese for dinner for too many weeks in a row, that's not going to make any impact on these core beliefs. If I, you know, lose my temper and I have yelled and then I repair, I don't think that that's going to change these core beliefs. And so putting this episode together, it actually just gave me a lot of solace and then also introspection of like, maybe I should spend even a little more time on this one or that one, because these are real, true values that if we do it right, and that doesn't mean, again, without mistakes, but if we just are consistent with us living this way in these values, talking about them openly with our kids and then allowing them within our kids.

1:02:23Big Little Feelings Host:I don't know. I think they might be OK, guys. And as they're practicing, I just kept coming back to I am also going to keep practicing this list of five things. And by virtue of me doing these things, then they're going to do these things. Wild stuff. All right, besties, leave us a review. Hit the follow button and have a wonderful week, besties. Love you. Thank you.

1:03:17Big Little Feelings Host:products or services referred to in this episode.