Parenting Teens: The Hard Truth No One Tells You (And the Shift That Actually Works)

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media Production. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing.

0:37It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. I am so excited for today's guest. She is someone whose face I see nearly every day and inspires me to not only be a better person, but a better parent and do it in a way that doesn't make me feel like shit. That's not easy to do on the internet, y 'all. Okay. Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, speaker, and author. Having spent years feeling disconnected from her own mom during her teen years, she didn't want parents and teens to experience the same thing.

1:22So she wrote a book to help parents feel more connected with their teens. The book is titled Love the Teen You Have and is currently available for pre-order, which is very important for authors, by the way. Go out there and pre-order, pre-order, pre-order. Dr. Anne Louise has been featured in the New York Times, Parents, HuffPost, and on the Today Show. Her dynamic, relatable style has made her a trusted voice for parents nationwide and definitely me and my husband in our household. Dr. Anne Louise Lockhart. Welcome to After Bedtime. Thank you, Kristen. I'm so happy to be here. Oh, we're so happy to have you here.

1:59I'm fangirling a little bit only in the sense of it's almost like a musician or somebody that's made like a real impact on you. You know, it's crazy to see you in the flesh. You're a real person, a real person. Okay, so you wrote a book on teens. I'm so excited about this because I do feel like I'm entering the tween, just turned nine. I feel like you have a 10 and a 13 year old. Is that right? No, 13 and 15. Oh my gosh, two years older. Okay. So you're really in the teen years now. Yes, I am. And I don't think there's as many resources out there for teens, truly. And I thank God for what you did because for the past year, I've been like, somebody has to do something.

2:49Somebody has to write something. So tell me, what is it about the teen years that made you want to write about it? Yeah. So this is, I mean, it's exactly what you said. There are so many resources for when you're pregnant, when you have a baby for potty training and, and, and sleep training and toddlers and even early childhood years. And then you get into the tween teen years and there's nothing. And so the, the book is actually for tween and teen year old, like, so nine to 19. So really kind of a wide gap. and for me like you mentioned in the bio I had a really great relationship with my mom when I was little and then it switched and a lot of parents experience that and they think what's wrong with me what's wrong with my parents and what's wrong with my kid and I became more rebellious I became more like screw you I'm gonna do whatever I want because I didn't feel heard from her and I didn't feel like she understood me.

3:49And so I just kind of did my own thing. And it really created a huge rift and a huge problem in the relationship. And I see the same thing with the parents that I work with. I do both parent coaching and therapy for teens. And it's the same messages that I hear over and over again. My teen hates me. I don't hate you, mom. Well, you look like you do. You act like you do. No, I thought you hated me. I don't hate you. I love you. Well, I think you're supposed to love me. No, I actually like you. Like it's the same conversation over and over again. And so I was really like, I don't want teens and parents to continue to experience this.

4:22This is exactly what I experienced. It's this narrative that we have in our head that we make up about our teenager and that our teenager makes up about us. And I'm like, we need to stop this. That so often I find that tweens and teens are so misunderstood and they're seen as little terrors like the toddler years, right? Toddlers and teens are very similar in that way. And I feel like they get a bad rap. And so I really love working with them. I love junior high students. I love high school and college age. I love all of them. And I just think it's because I think they're so misunderstood. And that's why I wanted to do this resource.

4:59And what did that disconnection from your own mom during those years, what did that feel like at the time? And then how did that kind of shape you into A, who you are today and B, what you do today? Well, thank goodness we have since reconciled and we have a great relationship now. But that didn't really happen until really adulthood. And the thing is, for me, on the outside, it looked like I was just this angry, rebellious teen who didn't want to listen to her mom and like, what is wrong with you? But I was really hurting on the inside. And that's why I tell so many people and parents that we so often focus on the external behavior and we want to lecture it, nag it, punish it, take things away, make your life as miserable as possible so that you could behave.

5:49And what is missed is that you're not paying attention to what's driving the behavior. And so that's, for me, that's what it looked like. It's like if she had just said, I'm really sorry for not hearing you when you needed me the most, which was what the real issue was. When you needed me the most, I'm sorry for not being there. And she finally did years later say that. But it's like, man, how different could my life have been? And with her, had I heard that sooner? And it's not to blame parents. I think so often people like they hear these messages. Oh, I'm just a bad mom. I'm just a bad dad.

6:25No, it's not about shame and guilt. It's really about noticing when we mess up, when we miss the mark, because we will as parents and to take ownership of that and to just say, you know, you're right. I should have heard you. I should have listened to you I should have noticed I should have apologized that it's you're not being a punk when you humble yourself and when you apologize and when you take ownership like our teens our tweens need to hear that you screw up that you realize that you're aware of it and now you're committed to doing things differently and when my mom had said that to me I remember it was after I got married and I was very close to my in-laws and she was like you know see you close with them and wanting to hang out with them and wanting to spend more time with them than us.

7:10And I'm like, yeah, you're right. And that's because they talk about stuff. They talk about feelings. They take ownership when they screw up, when someone hurts someone's feelings. It's not a perfect family, but they talk about stuff. And she's like, yeah, we didn't do that. I grew up on an island and the island culture is like that. The ethnic racial culture is like that. my family's like that. I had like a triple whammy of like, don't talk about feelings. And she acknowledged it. She goes, yeah, you're right. We, that's how we've always done things. I'm like, yeah, but it's harmful. It is. And then what is, what is the moment that you realized, you know, this ends with me, I'm going to parent differently.

7:51I'm going to, to be differently. Cause I think like, was there a pivotal moment? It's so easy to just, to just keep going, you you know, the way that we've been doing or just going down a destructive path, which I went down to, by the way. So was there a pivotal moment that says, you know what, this ends with me, I'm doing things differently? That's a great question. I think a lot of it was, I think it was that moment that she said that to me when she said that I was closer to my in-laws. And like, why is that? And it kind of hurt her in a sense, like it made her feel like I was distancing myself.

8:23And I was, because I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to pretend like I'm the happy one. And she told me that she, she, she told me I was her rainbow baby. My, I had a sister who died at childbirth and two years later, then she got pregnant with me. She was having problems with my dad at the time. And when he had decided that he was going to do his own thing, they divorced when I was three, but she had said, and she told me this, when I had you, I said to myself, this one's going to make me happy. Ooh, yeah. Okay. And I was like, so that was my role. I was the youngest of three. And my role was to make her happy.

9:03So if I had things that were happening to me, or happened to me, I couldn't really share that. So that was the breaking point was when I did share something that did hurt me. She couldn't handle it, because I wasn't supposed to be that I wasn't supposed to be the one to bring pain for her. And so for me, the pivotal moment was when I, when she shared this and I told her, you know, I, there are things that I shared with you and you couldn't handle it. And I get it. I get that you had your own stuff, but I needed you to be there. And when she had kind of acknowledged it and apologized and we reconcile, and I, when I had my own kids and they were starting to, you know, get older and everything, I was like, you you know what, I don't want to have that kind of relationship with them.

9:48I don't want to, for it to be like that, that you have to make my life easy because parenting is hard. It's a lot of work and it's also rewarding and it's both. Sometimes it's like, screw this. I don't like this. Right. But, but it's also like, I don't want to have that kind of relationship with my kids where they have to pretend to be okay, or they have to guard my feelings because of their pain. Like, I don't want that. And I think it was really that moment when she was noticing of how I was with my in-laws and how she didn't have that with me. And we talked about that and we really were able to heal from that.

10:28So I believe that was a big turning point for me. And so that's what I always go back to with my own kids. Like if they start to get sneaky about stuff and I'll say, hey, y 'all, I was the queen of sneak. Like I know all of it. Okay. And I don't need you to hide things from me. If you, there's something that you are shamed of, or you did something that's wrong. I want you to feel like you could tell me because I didn't have that with my mom and I don't need to have that with you. So if you want more phone time, if you snuck something, you failed a great, whatever it is, I need for you to just be able to tell me.

11:02And, but I tell parents to do this and then they freak out and then don't freak out. Like then if your kid does tell you that thing and you're just like, oh my gosh, then freak out on the inside. And you could even say, wow, wow, that's a lot. Let me, let me take it in. Thank you for telling me. So now let's move through it. I have this habit that drives my family nuts. When we are out and about, I will stop the entire family dead in our tracks and go, whoa, look at that. And it's a fun car. Just a car I love looking at. And it's to the point where my kids will go, dad, are you going to take a picture of it?

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18:23how do you foster a relationship with your child so that they will come to you about anything? And I believe it kind of starts even in the toddler years, the younger kid years. So how do you lay the foundation there? And then once teen years come out and we're starting, you know, maybe we're testing, we're deceiving, we're hiding things. How can you keep those doors open? Yeah, that's a great question. And I see a lot of parents where they're very authoritarian and they're like rules, rules, rules, rules, no fun, no fun, no fun. And then their kid graduates and they hope to have this really bestie relationship with their adult child.

19:02Well, it doesn't just happen that way. You have to foster it. So a big part of it is, I mean, to be fun as a parent. Like, I think we grow up and then we forget to be a kid and to have fun with our kids and to have that kid-like curiosity. So I believe a big part of it is to be fun again. If you've lost it, play with them, do things. I mean, some pairs are like, that's so dumb. I don't like playing blocks or I don't like playing with their trucks or their dumb Roblox or Minecraft. I'd rather like let my eyes bleed. Like they don't want to do these things. But if it's enjoyable for them, you have to enjoy it with them and then bring them into your stuff too.

19:40So I think fun, having fun with them is important. having conversations with them beyond did you clean your room did you do your homework you know did you talk to your friend when are you going to get out of the house get off your phone like like stop commanding them now I do it too so I'm like hey I'm guilty of it as well but don't make all conversations about how they fall in short really make it about not just how was school either they can't stand that question by the way like how was school school school dude like you know but ask them and engage with them and things that matter to them like hey if they were to make your like biopic film who do you think could play you in it brad pitt seriously like you know like have conversations with them about stuff that are fun that are engaging that make them think and then when they do tell you the thing where they screwed up don't freak out.

20:36Don't freak out. My husband and I, we go on rage walks. We don't tell the kids that's what it is. But when we are so pissed and they're in their witching hour, 6 to 7, 15 PM, and they're getting on our last nerves, we will be like, Hey, you want to go for a walk? Yeah. And they're like, Oh, you guys are going to go exercise. We're like, yeah, totally. And then we go, we complain about them for about an hour. And just like, yes. So that way they're not, we're not pouring it onto to them. We're doing it. And you know, can you believe what he said? Like, why would she do that? You know, and we just complain and just like dump it all out.

21:12And so then by the time we come back home, we're like, right as rain, we feel so much better because we're not. Yeah. I mean, it's makes such a difference. And then they're not feeling our wrath, you know? So I think it's also then about using your partner, your spouse, a friend, your parents, whoever else, the internet, chat GPT as a thing you can vent to and you need to let that stuff out because our preteens, our teens are hearing so much negative stuff from parents and we need to stop that. And I think that's a really interesting point because not only, yes, teens and frankly, even toddlers all the way, you know, you're always hearing, you're always on them.

21:52Like, what are they doing? What they're not doing? Get your things, you're too pressured, you forgot this. But I also think we're sort of in a culture where we are supposed to be grateful and appreciative of every single moment of motherhood. And if we're not, there's something very, very wrong with us. And I think the problem with that is when we have this sort of toxic messaging to ourselves where we're like, I have to be grateful in this moment. I have to be great. Well, at least they are, you know, they are breathing. They are in this house. And so it just gets pent up. I mean, the anger is there.

22:21The frustration is there. The overstimulation is there. we have to have an outlet like a rage walk. This is blowing my mind. Can you talk a little bit about that though? Do you see that in your space where parents are, they seem to be sort of stuffing and shoving as much as they can to A, be as calm as possible because there's a lot of pressure to just be like, be calm, be calm, be calm. And B, be grateful, be grateful, be grateful that the anger is then sort of just spilling out in the wrong places. Yeah, 100%. I mean, I remember when I first had my daughter, she's 15. And when I first had her, I have a friend who has five kids and loved it, loved it.

23:06And she would say, don't you love it when it's 3am and your baby wakes up and it's just you and the baby. And I'm like, no, I hate that. I want to sleep. I don't like that. I have a friend like that that has six too. And I'm like, this is so great for you. And no, no. And I'm like, I love that for you, but I like my sleep and I do not enjoy, I feel like I'm losing my mind, the lack of sleep that I'm getting. Like I did not enjoy that, but it's like, again, it's that same message. Well, you should be grateful. Lots of people can't have kids or this is your first one. You should be happy. Well, yeah, I can be happy and be miserable because I haven't had enough sleep.

23:50And so this messaging of, well, you should be grateful for your teens because, you know, it won't last long and then they'll be out of your house. And I'm like, well, no, it doesn't have to all be all or nothing. And I believe so many times that parents pour so much of themselves into parenting. They become like this martyr where they have to put themselves on the back burner. They can't do the things that they enjoy. Can't go on a girl's trip. Can't enjoy, you know, being out with their spouse or their partner. Can't go out on a date. Like everything is the kids. And so then in the process, they resent their kids.

24:31Because they're not living their life. How does that impact the relationship then? Huge, because then they feel like you're the reason why I'm so miserable. and then also I believe I see so many parents over personalize when their teen or tween misses the mark right so now you didn't make the team I was a top athlete you know you don't have any friends I was the most popular one at school your grades suck I was valedictorian like all these things that happen and then now you over personalize it and you're like after everything we've done for you after all the sacrifices we've made how dare you fail how dare you miss the mark so I see that's how it's like we have to be in we're in control of how much we're sacrificing right and so when you're sacrificing too much when you're sacrificing everything to the point of of detriment then you have no choice but being resentful rather than allowing your kid to sort of be the kid they're going to be.

25:34I also see over personalization then when the teen or the child is pushing back, talking back, saying, I hate you, you know, when you're so laser focused on only this one aspect of your life, which I'm very guilty of. And I think we all have pressure to be the most involved parents ever and not going on date night and not taking care of ourselves. like you're saying. I'm the most guilty of this. But when we're putting so much in, then even those very, very healthy behaviors like I hate you, get away from me, it becomes personalized. And then when you take care of yourself, you can be a little bit more objective about it.

26:17Tell me, because again, I have a nine-year-old, we're not there yet, but I know we're about to get there. And I know everybody listening is about to get there or they're there. When your teen is exploding at you and it's horrible things that they are saying to you, what are we doing in that moment? What are we doing? Yeah. So the mistake that people make, there's on either extreme, right? It's this old school authoritarian parenting where we yell back, we cuss them out, we take away their livelihood and say that you have nothing left except a mattress on the floor. right? We go like full on tyrant mode because we think punishing them enough and making it painful enough will make them stop.

27:03And yes, it could, right? But you're still not getting to the root of why the behavior is happening. So you're missing it. And then you go the other extreme where people hear all this gentle parenting, which is how people perceive it is actually permissive parenting. That's how they're perceiving it, right? Is you, oh, sweetheart, you have big words for mommy. You just called me the B word. That's not nice. Like we say all these things. And then if they're a tween or teen, it sounds very not genuine to them. Because in the middle, a real person would be hurt by someone cussing them out, insulting them and say, I wish you were never my mom.

27:43That would hurt. Right? So to go extreme and cuss them back out. I wish you were never born. That's hurtful. And that's, you can't take that back. And then to be like, oh, you have big, big, strong feelings. Then they feel like you're not being genuine and you're not even, you're still not addressing the real issue. So that kind of the foundation when I look at that. So I believe the best response then is you have to be able to get yourself regulated first, take your deep breath, not respond necessarily in the moment because every, A lot of parents think, oh, I have to correct it now because then they'll think it's okay.