Solo Parenting? Here's How to Make It Feel Less Impossible

0:00The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

0:05Deena:Welcome back to another episode of After Bedtime. Today, we're talking about something personal that Deena is doing. She's solo parenting a whole lot these days. Her husband travels a lot for work. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. And as her best friend, I've been wondering how she's doing, how she's doing it physically, and a lot of other questions that we decided to save for the pod. I'm going to ask her everything that's going on. And then we're also going to give you real tangible tips if you are finding yourself in a situation where you're solo parenting. Let's chat with Dina. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins.

0:51Deena:The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth. The unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here.

1:30Deena:Okay, I think it's just us. Well, the cat's still in here. Noodle is out. Noodle is really the bigger problem than even my kids, you know? That's what's going to disrupt the pod. That's right. We're just, you know, summering, summering and working and all the things at one time. So there's a lot of people in the household. Slut. You know what? We're not going to pretend like we're not working moms. OK. Oh, that's a good point. I also I mean, I know we're supposed to be talking now about what we're talking about, but it's been really nice that I've completely given up. I keep saying that in various aspects of my life and I feel like I'm not explaining it well enough but meaning like for summers I feel like I always had a really solid plan the plan wasn't going according to plan and I was like oh this will be great and I will feel rested and the kids will be this or that and that was either like stacking summer camps right and that was what it was and then another summer where it was like, I'm not going to do anything and have no child care because we just moved here.

2:36Deena:And that was its whole thing. And this this summer, I'm just I have no expectations. I've completely given up. If somebody wants to go to camp, they go to camp. If they don't want to go to camp, they don't go to camp. And I just figuring everything out one day at a time. I love that. Hey, look at you. So much freedom. Yeah, well, TBD by the end of summer, that's gonna have boded well or not but for now fine give it a try it's an experiment sorry Moki has to come in now speaking of the pets sorry I had to open the door from Momo if you heard that but all the time and he might start snoring great I might too Dina you are I'm so tired I you are solo parenting all the time yeah you know it's not something I talk about I feel like maybe I do.

3:27I don't know. You tell me if I talk about this a lot. I don't think I do because can I tell you why? Yeah. Because I feel like, you know how sometimes you say something and then the internet yells at you? Sure.

3:39Deena:Single moms do it all the time. A little bit of that. And then like how I'm not allowed to say solo parenting because that is a term that, you know, for like they're single parenting, which often means you're just one parent taking care of all the kids at all times. And then it used to mean that solo parenting is kind of like you're doing a period of time where you're taking care of the kids alone. But then I got yelled at on the internet for using that term. And then I was like, I just need a break. I'm not talking about this anymore. How many people yelled at you? Probably just 10. If I'm not, I don't know.

4:16Actually, I really don't know. It might have been 10. It felt like 5 ,000. And that's between two and 10. I know. I'm a sensitive person.

4:26Deena:To start with, single parents, single moms, single dads, single parents are parenting on a completely different stratosphere and level than those of us with partnership in the home. That's right. Hands down, bar none, not a similar experience, not adjacent, not at all. Correct. So let's start with that. Fellow parents, I see you. I feel you. I hope you get some respite or relief with like some kind of hired help or grandma. And if you don't, my Lord, either way, you are doing the Lord's work. And then the other side of this is I don't give a fuck anymore about like really making people mad on the internet in terms of certain like the concept isn't enraging anyone.

5:16Deena:I mean, your husband is away and you want to talk about that. You know, that's the truth. You want to call it something else? You can call it something else. Yeah, we can call it anything we want. The reality is that Mike travels a lot for work and it's really picked back up. And I honestly went into parenthood knowing that this was going to be my reality, just knowing that this is the line of work he does. He works in finance and it's a lot of travel for meetings, for deals. So I knew that I would eventually have kind of a lifestyle where I was on my own with kids a lot of the time. That's actually fair.

5:55Deena:I remember when you were, wow, we really did not understand we were neurodivergent. But I was, what I was about to say with my mouth was that you actually kind of enjoyed it because you get to have your own space and your own home. And then it's like, Like you miss each other. And it was like a nice it was actually a nice balance to have him sometimes gone, like not even in a bad way. Like it was very healthy. It was very much just like, you know, it's nice. I can have my own space, my own time, my own peace. And then he comes home and we're together. And it's almost like, you know, you you rekindle that spark.

6:29Deena:You miss each other a little bit. And it was like perfect before kids. There is some of that like distance makes the heart grow fonder. That was really clunky. I think that's it. Right. Yeah. but okay so so go to present day how how much is he gone because i feel like that's the other part is it like really ramped up for a very long time it's pretty ramped up i would say in a given month he's gone close to like 40 percent of the time sometimes it's just like week after week like he'll be home for a few days sometimes and then it's like all right we got to see daddy for the weekend. Like, bye. Whoa.

7:08And we travel a bit, too. So there are times where he gets home and then we literally have had to coordinate flights where it's like, OK, you're going to get home at, you know, noon that day on your flight and then I'm going to head to the airport at two.

7:22Deena:It's crazy. Yeah. But when he's gone, I feel like now I've had enough reps and experience where I do certain things that now make my life easier when I am on my own with all three. OK, tell me. I mean, I really wanted to get into your feelings about it all, but let's go straight into the let's go. I see you prepped something. I can see you looking at your iPad and you prepared the things that you have now done to. And this is good because I promised I promised the besties and I said, we're going to share some tips on how to make it easier if you're in that state. And I didn't even tell you that I said that.

7:58Deena:But I knew even though yesterday you said I am going to show up and I'm not going to prep. I knew you would prep. And I knew you were going to come today with ways that people can make it easier on them. Well, I have just a few things. I do. You know me so well. I knew it. I'm not mad at it. Go right ahead. And then we'll talk about your feelings after. Okay, that sounds good. Before I had kids, I don't think I spent more than two seconds thinking about anyone's skin. Now, I have three kids and I notice every tiny dry patch. So keeping his skin moisturized has become a really important part of our routine.

8:39And I have to tell you, the one thing that has worked the best has been Aquaphor Baby Sensitive Lotion. That is what I use for all the sweet little moments when I'm giving him his baby massage at the end of the day. But the main reason that I love Aquaphor's Baby Sensitive Lotion is it's lightweight. weight and it instantly soothes and it gently moisturizes your baby's dry, sensitive skin. And at first, if I'm being really honest, I kind of looked at moisturizing as just like one more thing on my never ending parenting checklist. Feed the baby, change the diaper, start another load of laundry, answer the emails, moisturize, repeat.

9:14But somewhere along the way, something shifted. And instead of feeling like another task, it actually became one of my favorite little moments of the day. Because when you're rubbing lotion into your baby's little arms and legs, they aren't thinking about your to-do list. They're looking at you and smiling and they're grabbing your fingers and babbling with their little baby language. And for 60 seconds, everything else just kind of disappears. As parents, we put so much pressure on ourselves to create these magical memories. But honestly, some of the most meaningful connection happens during the most ordinary routines.

9:47Those tiny moments, repeated over and over, are where so much connection is built. If you are looking for a lotion for your baby sensitive skin, could not recommend Aquaphor enough. You can find the new Aquaphor baby sensitive lotion now at Walmart, Amazon and Target and visit AquaphorUS.com to learn more.

10:07Deena:You know, besties, I am a chaotic person. When I say that, I mean, I'm just really bad at doing the same thing every day. I actually learned that people with ADHD, the things that are habits that neurotypical brains, you know, registers as a habit, like brushing your teeth, the things you do second nature, nothing ever really sticks into the fact that it's just like routine. You do it every morning with no friction. Here's the one thing that I actually do every day that has no friction because I've been doing it for so long that I think I bypassed my own brain and it actually is second nature for me.

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11:20Deena:Nutrafol offers multiple formulas for men and women tailored to different life stages. Let your hair become one less thing, taking up space in your head and see thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners$10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code feelings. That's Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code feelings. I've always been kind of a cozy person. Like I want to be comfortable. But one thing I never appreciated before becoming a parent is just how much your home affects how you feel.

12:00Deena:Our house is loud. Okay. There's three little boys, race cars everywhere. Someone is yelling mom from another room every 30 seconds, it is beautiful chaos, which is exactly why I need my home to feel like somewhere where we can all exhale. And one of my favorite little rituals happens after the kids go to bed. Mike and I usually spend a few minutes cleaning up just enough so tomorrow feels manageable. We curl up on the couch under a cozy earth bubble cuddle blanket. And honestly, it feels like my nervous system just exhales. And I'm equally obsessed with their bamboo sheets. Now, if you have not tried them before, they're made from viscose from bamboo.

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13:16And if you receive a post-purchase survey, let them know that you heard about Cozy Earth right here. Because home isn't just where you live, it's how you feel. Comfort lives here. Cozy Earth. I feel like now there's like a lot of pressure like I'm supposed to have like perfect answers but no I think the biggest pretend I didn't say it go okay I think the biggest thing when it comes to being alone with all three is to just kind of lower the standards like really give yourself permission to put the bar on the floor if you will we're going real low when you're just on your own I love that.

13:54Deena:So is it like the airport low or like how what what if the airport because for the best user don't know for the airport both of us are actually very similar in this way where there's really nothing you could do. It's like do you want Cheetos? Great here's Cheeto. Do you want lollipops? Here's lollipops. Do you want more screen time? Great screen time. So on the scale of airport to I'm doing, you know, the most, what level are we going to? I'm like two notches up from airport. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm not quite at airport level, but I am going to probably leave all the dishes in the sink.

14:37I'm not going to be making fancy meals. Okay. Like we're going to just the easiest thing that I can do. And a lot of times it's like, I actually have kind of a set menu that I'll rotate through for when he's gone. Like my easiest things on repeat. A lot of times it's like broccoli with a frozen pizza. Okay. So that's one thing is like, I'm not cleaning the house. I give myself permission to just do the least in the best way.

15:07Deena:Your least is my standard. Your least is my most. If I did a broccoli with a frozen pizza, that's me cooking. Yeah. And then I don't do the dishes and I let the house go. I think that's a good point, Kristen, is that everyone's going to have to tailor this to themselves. Now you're picking up just a quick little drive-through thing. Great. I love that for you. It's whatever you want it to be. And on that note, I feel like meals are like a big thing with kids. Dina, I'm going to go back. I'm going to I'm what's your be truthful here. Be yourself here. OK, what are your go to meals when Mike is out of town that are easy?

15:55Deena:I I still think it involves chopping a vegetable or an onion and there's a chicken involved. I want you to know. know yeah okay you know me so well I know one of my things well actually this is what we usually do is on the first night I personally like to go out of the house with all three and I know that is not for everybody I know you are doing so did some did a lot of comments come in yes you're doing yes you're doing a lot of and I love you but I'm and I'm noticing that you're doing a lot of like I'm scared to say this because people are going to be mad at me and we're talking about chicken or going out to dinner.

16:35You can just speak. You don't have to be like, and I know it's not for everybody to not go out to dinner. Kristen, I'm trying to get to a place where I'm one of those bitches who goes, you know what? The haters are going to hate and it doesn't bother me. I just know it's all noise and I'm not there yet. Okay.

16:55Deena:I'm not either. I'm not either. It feels especially like, yeah, it's prominent right now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I do agree with you. Okay. Let's besties. This is a safe space. Do you guys promise? Yeah. Okay. By the way, I'll give my version after and it'll make everybody feel better, but I know you where it's like, we got to do this for you. Okay. I love cooking. So I cook all the time. Last night I made lamb chops. I also made a chili cause I was in a great mood and I made some sweet potatoes in the oven cause it was fun. And so anyways, I will usually go out the first night because I don't know why I get inspired.

17:30And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to clean the kitchen and I'm not going to cook tonight. I'm just going to go out. And I sometimes like having something to do with my kids. It feels easier for me personally than like being in the house with all three of them. And there's no structure and feels like chaos to me. So I'm like, come on, boys, get in the car. I pack like a little toy or two. A lot of times we play guess the animal that I'm thinking of at the restaurant while we're waiting. That is our go to game right now. We do that game too. Really?

17:59Deena:Yeah, that's one of our favorite games. I love that one. And then sometimes we'll do like guess the color I'm thinking of or guess the movie I'm thinking of. Yes. I bring like a little putty so that they can build if they need to with their hands and squish something. Very regulating. Sometimes I bring like a little search and find game that I have where you can like find stuff and then erase it later. Anyways, we go to the restaurant. We have a nice little time. I come home and guess what? It's bedtime. I got nothing else to do. It's bedtime. You go pee pee. We get the jammies. We go night night.

18:30Deena:Gina, this is fair. You don't need to justify this. Okay, so you go out to dinner. Great. I love that. Thank you, Kristen. This is healing in and of itself. And thank you, besties, for being here to witness. You can't talk to me, so you can't tell me any mean comments, but this does feel healing. do you understand and besties who are listening that i too get shit on all the time if not more so so if you were to say the opposite things with your mouth it would be like well i i drive through because i do and i let my kids do on the screen time and i don't clean because i never do and what i get is like you're disgusting child protective services should come to your house So like there's no winning here.

19:13Deena:You're not like winning the Internet by somehow or like losing the Internet by saying you're cooking a chicken and going out to dinner. Maybe it just shows us how the opposite. They're going to hate that, too. I know that's true. That's it's one living on the Internet, too. I think this is speaking to how judgmental the motherhood space is. Right. Let's just fucking get rid of that in society. It's gone. Everyone do what feels right. women and mothers where it's like you are going to be oh you're so unrelatable and this and that because you cook a chicken and a gourmet dinner from scratch and that's fun for you and you bake and then I am disgusting and a horrible person and all the other things you know like this is this was just you gotta just we're gonna just speak our truth here you know to answer your question truthfully then the next night usually I do one of my easier meals which is I take a whole chicken and I just throw some oil, some salt, some, some like whatever seasoning.

20:10And I cut up a potato. I cut up three carrots, throw it in the pan. And we toss that bitch in the oven for an hour and a half and come back later and get it.

20:19Deena:I knew it. I knew it. I, I know you so well and I'm so hyper attuned. I literally, I think I said that I was like, it involves chopping vegetables. Now you're picturing in my mind, you're chopping vegetables and you're putting them in a whole chicken. You know me so well. Well, that's accurate. And then if it's nice out, I like to go take them all outside and we go eat on a little chair outside. This little sofa thing. Now, back to the focus. So you do the least for you. For me. When it comes to meals, because meals is hard. Because to be clear, besties, when you are not solo parenting, Dina loves to cook.

21:01Deena:That's like the thing that lights her up. She's going to let all the other things go. And so I know Dina, she is cooking like a gourmet, takes hours and hours and hours and hours of cooking. So that is not what she's doing. She's releasing a bit and she's quote unquote, just trapping up some vegetables, stuffing them in a chicken and putting it in the oven, which would like if I ever had the ability to do that, I hope I get like a Nobel Peace Prize. It would be incredible. The other thing that I do is permission for a movie night. anytime I want. They're unlimited. I lean into a movie night if I am tired because, yes, I'm doing extra while Mike is out of town, which speaks volumes because there was a time in life where it was actually easier for me to be parenting without him, like parenting my two under two kids, which was an insane chapter of life.

21:56And I was like, the fact that it is easier to do this when you are not here. That's a confusing one for me.

22:03Deena:That was insane. That was, yeah, a very 202, like really small. Yeah. And you're like, it's so much easier when you're not here. And that's really what that was speaking to. And that was really confusing and painful to be like, oh my gosh, like, do I want to live without you being here? Because now you've kind of shown me that I can be a single mom. Yeah. If I'm already doing it all and it feels better because I'm not managing someone else's emotions. So yes. But anyways, back to now. I am definitely doing more when he's gone. And so that can be very physically exhausting. So if we want to have a movie night, I shower everyone early.

22:49We get those jammies on. We snuggle up in bed together. sometimes we sit on the floor and make a little nest and we eat dinner that way and we just have a little movie time and it's honestly like really really lovely and they look forward to it and it's