Stop Escalating Your Kid’s Meltdowns (And What To Do Instead)

17:30Maggie Dent:It's the fan on the stove for me. It's the fan on the stove for you. That's it. It's the last little thing that tips me over into my survival state. And by the way, it's worth noting that when anybody is in a survival state and that amygdala has taken over, that is what is active. That is an emotional part of your brain. That is the danger, the threat part. And when we're activated there and we've kind of gone offline with the rest of the helpful stuff in our brain, we really only have four programmed responses when we're in that state. Fight, right? This is your kid yelling at you. They are kicking.

18:09Maggie Dent:They are screaming. They are slamming doors. Flight. They literally are running away. Freeze, which is when we're scared, actually. That's one of our responses is to freeze and try to blend into your surroundings. And then faint, which some people do struggle with. If you've ever been in a stressed state and you feel really dizzy, a lot of that has to do with your vagal nerve. And fainting is a reasonable response to make you lay on the ground and not lose blood if you've been injured. Yeah. So those are your four survival responses or reactions, really, because you're not choosing. They are so automatic when you have gone past that threshold of being able to handle stress well.

18:52Kasey Edwards:And I want to pause here and I want to focus on the threshold part. Now, the threshold is going going to look really different for a toddler versus a tween versus an adult. It's also going to look really different kid to kid to kid, person to person to person. That is so for any toddler. What I like to do is to think of this as like a cup. Okay. You're filling a cup and you can only fill it so much before it spills over. Now, where this gets personalized is some toddlers, some kids, Some adults have a very small cup and some have a Stanley cup, truly. And there's no right or wrong way. Now, for all toddlers, because of their brain development transitions, you're filling the cup.

19:42Kasey Edwards:Noise, you're filling the cup. Maybe let's say you have a big feeler. You have an autistic child. You have a neurodivergent child. You just have a sensitive child. You're pouring way more water into that cup with noise, lights, things like that. But all toddlers are still very sensitive to those things. Hunger. Are they hungry? Have they been eating? Have their snacks only been pirate's booty all day? Pouring more water in that cup. Being told no. That is water in the cup, believe it or not. Holding it together at school or at a play date or at summer camp. That's a lot of water going in the cup.

20:19Kasey Edwards:Okay. So now what we're doing is we have a cup and it's almost all the way full. It's three or four o 'clock. Good Lord. They're home from school. They're home from daycare. You hand them the snack that they asked for. And suddenly that cup overflows. Okay. And what that looks like is screaming at you. It could be just crying in sadness. It could be extreme anger at you. And you're like, what the fuck, dude? I just actually gave you the snack that you wanted.

20:52Maggie Dent:So your kid is melting down now, right? And if it's not about the snack and it's not about the thing, well, then how do we actually help them? What do we do? And one of the biggest shifts that we can make as parents in this moment is to stop solving the problem in front of us and think about it instead as we're responding to the state. Their cup is overflowing. They have no more bandwidth to handle the distress, the big feelings, the discomfort that they're feeling right now, no matter what it's quote unquote about. And that's where we're going to show up and support them. And what that means is instead of here's the cup here, look, I fixed it.

21:34Maggie Dent:You're fine. You're fine. Nothing's wrong now, right? We're going to instead just be with them in it. I see you. You're really upset right now. That's OK. Sometimes I feel mad. I feel sad. You can let your feelings out. we're going to get through this together is really the vibe that we're going for. Because what your kid's nervous system really does need in that moment is co-regulation. They need a calm, confident, connected adult to stay present and just help them get through this big feeling, this moment, and get back to a baseline. Basically, think about it as they're going to be borrowing your calm.

22:12Maggie Dent:They're borrowing at this age your regulation because their brain does not have the neural pathways to do it on their own yet. Every time you show up and you acknowledge the feeling, you just stay present through the hard moment. It's actually creating a blueprint in their brain that eventually they can have a big feeling and know how to get through it.

22:36Kasey Edwards:And honestly, I feel like the there. What was it like five years ago on Instagram? I mean, we were on Instagram and it was all about the scripts. Everybody was all about the scripts. Now, I defend scripts until the day I die because I when I personally my lid is flipped, if you will. My brain is my nervous system is through the roof because my kid is screaming at me. I want to do all of the things that my parents did that I don't want to do. Like my instinct is to just snap at them or to do or worse, honestly. And so I like a script. I like to be able to be like, this is what I'm supposed to say right now.

23:11Kasey Edwards:That said, what we say in this moment does not matter so much as your tone, your body, your body language, your energy. That's what matters. And it's going to really differentiate between all of your kids. One of my kids just collapses in my arms and just wants to cry and needs that. And then like, totally fine. You know, we're talking three to five minutes and like, that works. Another kid, if I were to offer a hug, my good God, like child protective services would be called on my street corner because that is just like activating the alarm bells even more. And we're now we're off to the races.

23:54Kasey Edwards:Now we're like, this is this is never going to calm down. So what you physically do, whether that is validating a feeling out loud, whether that is offering a hug, whether that is staying quiet, but staying, you know, a little bit further away, that is going to really vary based on your kid. You have to be comfortable experimenting with it. And what stays consistent is your tone, your body language, how you are approaching it. You're approaching it with empathy. You're approaching it with love. You are not scared of it. You don't need to be permissive. You don't need to give in to whatever is happening.

24:26Kasey Edwards:You can just be really neutrally there to support them with whatever is happening.

24:32Maggie Dent:Exactly. You're staying present through it. And it's not just like a cute, fluffy idea. This has like real science, real neuroscience behind it. When you stay present through the big feelings, when you are not doing what my lovely parents, I love them so much, did, which is join the chaos, put fuel on the fire and start to make it an emotional rollercoaster ride until we all run out of energy and eventually move past it. And we've all been there, by the way.

25:00Kasey Edwards:I mean, I've certainly done that myself.

25:02Maggie Dent:Everybody has. Everybody has. But when we are able to stay calm and connected, your kid's nervous system actually starts to sync with yours. This is what is behind this idea of co-regulation and what it really means. That means their heart rate will start to slow and their breathing will start to regulate and the cortisol starts to decrease. Basically, you lending your calm helps their little nervous system, which is still developing and lacks a lot of important brain parts still, calm back down.

25:36Kasey Edwards:And that is how they learn to regulate themselves over time. And now this is not an immediate thing. I feel like a lot of times parents are like, it's not working. This is not like we stay calm, we get present, we're on the moment and we're like, okay, instantly our child's going to be able to calm down. That's actually not the goal of this. The goal is for long term lending them that you're calm. And over time, that's the most important part over time, science truly shows that's how children learn to regulate. Now I'm going to say something and it's going to suck. But the same way that your child's nervous system starts to sync with your nervous system when you're calm is the same way your child's nervous system will start to sync with your nervous system if you are the opposite.

26:31Kasey Edwards:Now, again, we've all been there. I have yelled. I have escalated. You're not supposed to be a robot. What we're talking about is most of the time. So if most of the time, and it's sort of the default way of doing things, when your child gets dysregulated and goes up and up and up and up, if your nervous system matches theirs and goes up, up, up, and then even heightens it more, their nervous system starts to sync with yours in the same way it does with co-regulation. So the heart rate slowing when you're calming, when you have a calm presence, that's going to be the same when yours goes up. Their heart rate is going to go up right alongside yours.

27:17Kasey Edwards:The breathing is going to go up. Cortisol is going to increase right alongside yours. So sometimes this is what I try to picture inside of my head when I'm like taking some deep breaths and trying really hard not to react. I'm just like, okay, if they're going up, I have to go down. If they're going up, I have to go down. Like that's truly all that I say to myself. I also really like to say this is not something that I have to fix. I don't know why. It's just something that works for me is like this is not something that I have to fix. So it's less of me trying to get it over with and more of like the only thing that I have to do right now is when they go up, I go down.

28:00Maggie Dent:You know when you hit that phase where you keep saying, oh, I'm probably just tired. Okay. I probably just need more water. I should probably sleep more. Meanwhile, your body is basically in the corner waving a giant red flag like, hello, we are trying to communicate with you. But there was one thing that I started a few weeks ago that has really, really helped me. And this is rhythm. This is a at-home blood test that I started doing, and it has been incredibly insightful. Rhythm is the world's easiest blood test to help you learn what's happening inside your body. Okay. You take it in two minutes at home.

28:37Maggie Dent:There are no needles. It is just a sleek and painless collection device that you peel and stick onto your arm. You draw a small sample of blood and you mail it to their lab and you get the results back in around three days. I got the results. The portal was very easy to understand, which for me is big because I'm not very good at like signing into a million different portals and all this stuff. It was so easy. The results were very detailed, very helpful. And there were things in my body that were actually very, very off that I hadn't really thought about recently. And I'm so glad that I get to address it now because I'm going to help myself feel better.

29:13Maggie Dent:Like genuinely so happy I found Rhythm. And right now Rhythm is offering our listeners 15 % off your first month and free shipping at rhythm.health.blf. That's rhythm with one H, so R-Y-T-H-M, health slash BLF for 15 % off your first month and free shipping. Stop guessing, start testing. Rhythm.health.blf. I could not recommend them more.

29:42Kasey Edwards:I love to lay, but I can't lay down. and for my mental health, I need to move my body. Now, because I did, I feel incredible. And the Peloton Cross-Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ, makes it so easy to stay accountable and actually show up. It's cross-training reimagined with features designed to make your workout more personal and more in the moment. Peloton IQ builds a workout roadmap that's completely yours, so you can stop overthinking and just move. Peloton IQ provides It's intelligent strength coaching so you can stay in the moment. Peloton IQ sees every rep, reads every movement, and coaches you through it in real time.

30:21Kasey Edwards:So the only thing you have to think about is how good it feels to let go. I love the swivel screen because it means I can just move it around. I can go from the tread. I can go down to do my strength training. I can go back onto it. And it's just smooth sailing. Peloton IQ learns what moves you and creates weekly recommended classes led by instructors who match your mood, vibe, and personality. With personalized plans plus insights and guidance, Peloton IQ helps unlock new versions of you. Let yourself run, lift, fail, try, and go. Explore Peloton cross-training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.com.

30:58Maggie Dent:Can we talk about the absolute psychological warfare that is planning a family vacation with children? Because before kids, you're like, ooh, a relaxing getaway. And then suddenly you have kids and vacation becomes taking your tiny emotionally unstable roommates to a different location where they can have meltdowns with ocean views. This is actually why I love the idea of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for families. The Myrtle Beach area is actually 60 miles of sunny beaches and 14 coastal communities that create a place where families belong. That is the key part here. Families belong. long. You can spend entire days on the beach or by the pool.

31:39Maggie Dent:You can hang out all afternoon at great restaurants with yard games. You can catch family-friendly live entertainment any night of the week. You can see how many golf courses you can complete on your trip. You can truly make this your own because the environment and the area is so tailored to families. There are endless things to do here. You can enjoy classic theme park fun, dive into water sports like parasailing, or you can check out immersive attractions like Ripley's Aquarium or Wonderworks, aka the upside-down house, which is like low-key the physical embodiment of parenting anyways. But your kids are going to love it.

32:16Maggie Dent:Also, accommodations range from cozy hotels to beachfront rentals and resorts right on the ocean, which I appreciate because every family vacations differently. You belong at the beach. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. plan the best family vacation ever at visit Myrtlebeach.com Kristen I love a mantra I've never thought of that one I'm going to start using that one I just love it so much and let me tell you by the way since we're getting brain sciencey today why a mantra actually helps and works because when you are starting to get activated in that amygdala, right? The emotions are building. The intensity is building.

32:57Maggie Dent:It brings back online your prefrontal cortex. You are integrating and connecting different parts of your brain to stay grounded and help you through a stressful moment. So it's really beautiful. Can I also say one more random thing about a script? The other reason I actually do love a script is that so many of us, about 50 % of us, says the science, grew up in homes where the emotional climate was not healthy. The way that people responded to us when we were having a hard time, when we were sad or mad or scared, we actually didn't hear words that would help us develop into more resilient adults, right?

33:38Maggie Dent:Like life is going to happen. Hard moments are going to happen. Resilience is being able to move through these hard moments in healthy ways and comfort ourselves and regulate our emotions or problem solve. A lot of us didn't have that. So we don't even know what it sounds like. So in a lot of ways, I do love a script. But just like you said, your presence is actually the more important part.

34:01Kasey Edwards:Totally agree. I mean, again, that's like literally why I have to do it. No joke. I have to do it. Otherwise, I will just instinctively do the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do. People are like, oh, just follow your instincts. And I'm like, that's the opposite of like, yes, my deep, deep, deep instincts that I can totally access during calm moments. But I'm going to tell you what I don't have access to when I am dysregulated or when somebody is screaming in my face. My biological instinct is not in line with how I want to be parenting. Now, here's what I'm going to say, and I'm really saying this to myself, I'm in a big like eye roll inside.

34:45Kasey Edwards:This applies to all relationships and to all people. I hate that. I'm so good at this shit with my toddler. I'm so fucking good at this shit with my toddler. I'm so bad at this with my husband or honestly anyone else. I'm just like, you're an adult. You should be able to handle yourself, you know? However, however, emotions are healthy. They happen for everyone. Now, here's the difference. Here's the difference. Somebody should not be, another adult should not be hitting you, obviously, the way a toddler might. Another adult should not be disrespecting you. There should not be any abuse happening.

35:26Kasey Edwards:However, when another adult or teen or tween, doesn't matter when they show up and they get dysregulated. They're going to or we show up and we're dysregulated. It's going to look the same. It's going to look instead of being a tantrum or a meltdown, we're going to see snapping. We're going to see shutting down. We're going to see defensiveness, which is really hard for me, or withdrawal. Okay. And from a physiological standpoint, it's the same pattern. Cortisol is high. The amygdala is activated. The prefrontal cortex goes offline. That's why the person who is heightened isn't really making a whole lot of logical sense.

36:06Kasey Edwards:That is why when we are trying to come in with logic or we are trying to fix something that somebody is upset about, it doesn't really work in the moment. And oftentimes we just get like the more, the more, the more we're going up, we're going up, we're going up, we're going up. So this is something I'm working on in my own household. I'm going to be very honest. Okay. Both my husband and I are working on this in couples therapy. When one of us gets dysregulated or triggered by something, instead of meeting their energy where they are at, what a game changer to try to think of this in the same way and lend your calm energy and just let the moment pass.

36:43Kasey Edwards:Have you ever thought of that, Dina? I am sure you have. But like, oh my God, how many fights this could solve because like when somebody is triggered, why am I coming in just as hot and then I'm going up and then they're going up and then I'm going up and then they're going up? It feels so much harder with grownups to be honest. It's so much harder with grownups.

37:11Maggie Dent:In those moments, I try to think of being constructive. I don't know if that's going to actually help anyone else or maybe that's just my autistic brain that like works like a computer basically, where I open a folder and I'm like, what is constructive right now? I'm sure no one

37:26Kasey Edwards:can relate to that. And that is our episode on meltdowns. I hope that you take something from this episode and maybe apply it to your child or your partner or your mother-in-law and you just feel so confident just steadily handling the meltdown that is coming your way. And you know what? I'm going to say something else. I hope that somebody else handles your meltdown in this way. Can I say that? I hope that somebody else, when you are losing it, approaches you with compassion and love and understanding, or, you know, it'll just be another week. Thank you for joining us, Bestie. I loved today's episode.

38:14Kasey Edwards:I cannot wait to see you guys next week, and I will report back after 27 games of softball. Love you, besties. Bye.

38:53Maggie Dent:financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.