The Mental Load Has Fallen Back On Me - Here’s What I’m Doing About It

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1:38So here we go. Right now, we're going to talk about how resentful I am because everything, truly almost everything in my house has fallen to me again. And we have talked so many times about how my partner shows up and he shows up 50 50 and we work really, really hard on that. But the thing is, it's work. And every so often, very often, everything slides back to me and then we have to reset. And so I never want it to look like this picture perfect thing because it's not. It actually has a messy middle quite often where the mental load slides all the way back to me. I'm very, very resentful. I'm very, very angry.

2:30I'm very, very burnt out. I'm very, very overwhelmed. I'm saying that as what's happening right now and also what the pattern is. And then we have decided all the way back. So I'm jumping on today's episode solo, talking right to you. If you are experiencing or have experienced the same thing, what we're going to do about it, because we can't live this way. It is not healthy to be resentful, to take everything on. We cannot do it all. I'm going to tell you that right now, and we don't have to. So let's talk about the mental load, how it has all shifted back to me, how it shifts on to moms and what to do about it.

3:13Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

3:24Kristin:We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. and we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope, we're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud and we're so glad that you're here. I've never done a catch-up solo before so I'm talking directly to you this actually feels kind of fun kind of nice how are you how are you doing it is September back to school season you know we're getting back into the routine I don't know if it's a little easier in your house in my house it's a little bit easier in some ways and also still like we're trying to get into it you know know what I mean?

4:28We're trying to get the bedtimes back on track, but they're having a hard time going to sleep. Then they have a hard time waking up. I feel like I do have lunches and packing lunches down. What I will say, though, is I need some more ideas. I need some more ideas. I'm already in an April, May mindset where I am packing the same lunch every day. I'll be very honest with you. It's a bagel with cream cheese for one kid. It is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the other kid and some fruit on the side with a cucumber. So I guess I'm almost too comfortable in the routine. I do need some other ideas.

5:11I'm really not giving any variety. remember when bento boxes really fancy kids bento boxes for lunch were a thing do you remember that i don't know if there was any more of a toxic social media environment for me than the fancy fucking bento boxes remember there's like i don't even know what was worse there was there was one side of the aisle that was doing fancy ass bento boxes. So there's like steak and lobster and sashimi and just the fanciest lunches possible. And then arguably worse for me is the cutesy lunch boxes. And I feel like such a monster saying this because I know it's fun and I know actually you're probably listening and some of you actually really like doing cutesy lunches.

6:09I support you. I love that you love doing cutesy lunchboxes. That's actually amazing. And I can't, I can't, I wish I could. I don't have, I don't have the shred of a brain cell left. I have like half a brain cell, especially in the morning. And I need to preserve some brain cells for later on. And then I just, here's, you know what? Let me actually backtrack. Let me backtrack. The fancy bento boxes and then the cutesy bento boxes with the little cut up shapes and the eyeballs and the it makes me feel bad about myself. That's what I'm saying. And actually, that's all on me, because I think if you're listening and you do cutesy bento boxes, you should not feel bad doing that.

7:00You should do that. I think the problem with being a mom in the social media era is we see one person do one thing and then we're like, oh, my God, we have this sinking gut feeling.

7:11Kristin:And we're like, I should be doing that. My kid deserves to have a mom that likes to do cutesy lunchboxes. But the problem is we see that and we see it then 20, 30, 40 different ways. Then we see the mom who's showing something, this beautiful rainbow organized playroom and our heart sinks. And we go, my kids deserve the rainbow, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then we see the next mom and she's super ripped and she's, you know, a bodybuilder and your heart sinks. And it's like, I should be, you know, working out harder. And the thing is, is that none of those people those are each individual people and they each have their one to two to three things that they're good at and that they love and that bring them joy.

7:58It's not physically possible to do all 40 of those things or be all 40 of those people. And so if you are the mom that likes to decorate your kids lunchbox, go for it. But I have realized I am not and that's okay. And I just let that go. I totally let that go. And some moms, they love to do crafts and some moms, they like to do messy play. And that's me, actually. I love that. And you just let the rest go. You cannot be 40 different influencers on the Internet. Those people are all just one person. We all need to remember that. You cannot be the fitness influencer, the playroom influencer, the food influencer, the organizer influencer, on and on and on and on.

8:51No, you know, just do what feels good for you. I feel like I just had this conversation just for me. I feel better about myself right now. And thank you for talking that through. So as a mom, I can tell you I have had to worry about one or two of my kids milestones. Are they behind? Are they delayed? Could they have a speech or a language delay? Why isn't my kid meeting the milestones for their age? Should I worry if my toddler isn't talking? And I know how stressful it can be. And early intervention is so, so, so great. So important. Expressible is a national speech therapy practice that's helped thousands of children reach their communication goals.

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14:52I want to shift into the mental load conversation. I'm frankly pretty nervous about it. It's never easy to share when you're in the middle of the messy middle. It's always easier to share when you're on the other side and say, hey, we used to struggle with this and here's how we got out of it. Thought it would be really helpful to sit down, share with you how I'm honestly feeling being in this place and how I'm going to dig myself out of it and how I'm going to dig myself out by getting my partner to be on board. So here is the truth that I hate to admit. In my house, everything has fallen to me again.

15:34And when I say everything, I mean almost everything. I'm feeling resentful. I'm feeling really resentful, just sitting here right now, resentful. I don't want to be carrying every single appointment, every single school email, and there are so many school emails, every school app, every meal plan, every grocery list, every sock inventory, every clothing inventory, every birthday gift, every birthday party planning, every everything. But here I am and I am carrying it and it is heavy what I am carrying. I am drowning. If you know what I'm talking about and you're sitting there, you're nodding your head and you're just like, oh, yes, girl, this episode is for you.

16:29And we're going to just talk really candidly together. I am in it here with you. I am feeling all of those same feelings that you are resentful, exhausted, burnt out, and trying to figure out how to claw my way back to 50-50 with my partner right alongside you. Here's what I will say. By the end of this episode, you will have a step-by-step plan on how to get out of this dynamic. I promise you. while I'm sitting here and talking about this resentment and the feelings and the negativity and bringing it all down. I think that's so important because when we push all those feelings down and we just keep going, we just keep going.

17:14It is not healthy for us. And you know that. That's why I needed to share how to get out of this dynamic. I have successfully gotten out of this dynamic. I can't even tell you how many times. And yes, we always slide back, but then we always go back to a 50-50 partnership. There is hope. I'm going to not only share with you the steps to take, but even a script for the conversation to have with your partner, because I know they can be a bit defensive or they cannot get it or you're afraid of having this conversation with them. You're going to walk away with the steps of how to change this dynamic and the script to say to your partner to get out from underneath all of this load.

18:00Okay, here's where I lost my ship. Here is where everything kind of crumbled. I've been carrying it, carrying it, carrying it. To backtrack this summer, we moved. We moved at the beginning of summer. And so everything was pretty chaotic and crazy. And he took on Tyler, my husband. Hi, Tyler. Are you listening to this? I love you. Tyler took on a lot of different things that we didn't have to do before. So he took on almost everything that has to do with the move, with selling the house, with the furniture, with the new house. There were things that were wrong with the new house. There was a lot that was happening that he completely took on.

18:41And so in that time, I took on pretty much everything thing that has to do with the family. And the problem is, is that once we moved, once we settled, once there was no longer anything to do with the move or with the houses, everything was wrapped up. The problem is it remained. And that was, let me do my math, June, July, August, September. That was four, four long months ago, bestie, four months. And I feel that I feel the weight of four months. So for four months, I have been carrying, well, even more than that, right? It must be more like six months because four months I've been carrying this on my own, but I've been carrying it since before when we were doing the actual move.

19:28So let's call it six, seven months. I've been carrying this all on my own, but for four months, he really hasn't had anything else on his plate. That's how we got here. And so something happened this week. That was my absolute breaking point. Okay. I have been carrying like we've done everything, the physical load too. So I am doing the laundry. I am doing the cleaning. I am doing the dishes. I am doing the mental load. I'm doing the physical load. I'm also working full time. I am bringing in the moolah. I am supporting our families. I'm doing a lot. And this week, a few days ago, I asked my husband, I promise we're going to get to something positive here, but just let me vent.

20:08Okay. Just let me vent. I love my husband dearly, but let me just vent. I asked my husband to put a sheet on our bed. Okay. And what happened was he got upset. He didn't want to do it. He did the whole like, blah, blah, blah. Why didn't the blah, blah, blah, blah. And okay, fine. Where's the stupid sheet? Okay. And besties, I lost my fucking mind. I am going to clarify. I didn't lose my mind at him. Okay. So that's progress. I, well, for better or worse, kept it in. And in my mind, I was like, this motherfucker, this motherfucker is complaining. Actually, I didn't keep it in. I did tell him. I'm sorry.

20:55I did. I just didn't scream at him. This motherfucker is complaining about putting a sheet on a bed that I even had to think through. I had to take the sheet off. I put it in the washing machine. Then I put it in the dryer. I had to plan it because every two weeks we wash the sheets. Can you? And then I have to ask him to put the sheet on the bed. Can you put the sheet on the bed? And it's not about the sheet on the bed. If you watch Vanderpump Rules, it's not about the pasta. What I then told him is I want to tell you how many quote unquote sheet tasks I have done just today, just today, let alone in the last four months or years, whatever you want to call it, if we want to go global, just today, I have done probably 300, and that's not an exaggeration, tasks that are like putting that sheet on the bed.

21:56And you didn't hear a peep out of me. I just have to do it. I just have to do it to keep the family afloat. I sent out the birthday invites. I booked the reptile person for her birthday party. I booked your in-laws flight. I got their hotel. I got the couch cleaner. I got the house cleaner. I picked up the groceries to make sure that we had food for the lunchboxes. I made the lunchboxes. I bought the lunchboxes. I bought the lunch bags. I bought the backpacks. I bought them pencils because I didn't know that you have pencils for the homework. I talked to their teachers today, communicated with them two different times.

22:30I put all of the things for the school emails onto the calendar for both of us. I got the Girl Scout badges. That was just today. That was just today. And I'm not even finished yet. I could keep going. And that's on top of my full-time job. So I hit my breaking point with the sheets. And I decided, you know what? I am part of this problem. Because guess what? I'm taking everything on. and I am just carrying this heaviness, this resentment, this anger that I'm sure you can hear in my voice right now. I'm carrying it with me everywhere. I'm carrying it and I'm done. And he can feel that, I am sure.

23:16And I am not saying that he is not guilty because, you know, but I have to own my part in this. I am just doing this. I'm not saying anything. If I am saying something, It's in the middle of an argument. It's when the sheet things happen. And that's when I realized I'm not just exhausted. I'm drowning in invisible labor. And no one claps for you when you remember the dentist appointments. But everyone gets mad if you forget. Nobody claps if you remember the library book. But somebody is going to lose their shit if they don't bring their library book back. Let's talk about why this impacts women so much.

23:59One study out of Harvard found that even in so-called 50-50 homes, moms still carry the default responsibility for remembering and anticipating family needs. That mental load is linked to stress, sleep issues, and even decreased relationship satisfaction, which, hello, yep, can confirm. And I'm sure you understand more than anybody listening to this. It's not fun. And you don't love your partner. I could just say that. Maybe you love them, but you don't like them anymore. And here is why it's such a problem. The mental load isn't just chores. Okay. So we're talking about, okay, unload the dishwasher, put the sheet on the bed, put the toys away, just chores, right?

24:46The mental load is the project management of life. It's a project management of life of, in my case, five people, or in your case, it might be three people or two people or seven people. It's the mental tabs that are always open. What size shoes the kids are in. The fridge has milk. Does it not have milk? Is your partner's mom's birthday gift? Did that get mailed? It's all of these invisible project management tabs that are constantly open and research shows that moms carry the bulk of it. I find it so telling and fascinating. there even is a statistic that shows that when the woman is the sole breadwinner, so she is the only one bringing in money, she still is the one that carries 90 % of the load.

25:42So no wonder we're exhausted. No wonder we're angry. And then we think exhaustion means that we're failing. And it feels like we're not doing enough. It feels like everybody else can keep everything all together. But exhaustion doesn't mean that you're failing or that you need a better to-do list or a better app on productivity. It means you're carrying too much and you're carrying it without a system of support. And silence is the thief that keeps stealing our joy. it's pretty amazing that dina and i get to live our dream running big little feelings as a business for our living full time we get to help parents we get to help kids it's always been our dream to start this business and now we're doing it one part of this business that is not so fun is hiring.

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27:59Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. As the craziness of summer winds down and with three kids, it has been crazy, just running all over the place. But now the routine is setting back in. I have a little bit of stability. I'm home a lot. Our kids are home a lot. And it's really nice to just be home. So I have been kind of obsessed with finishing our new house. and Wayfair has been helping with that from bedding to linens to storage solutions, which Lord, I need for every room in my house. Wayfair has been my one-stop shop. Right now, I am just kind of browsing because I frankly need every room to be finished.

28:43I'm a little bit obsessed with getting this little office area of mine finished. I also would really love a cozy dining room somewhere where we can do homework.