The Myth of “Having It All” with Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt

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27:51And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash feelings. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire and one of the funnest names to say. speaking of your mom because I feel like your mom Maria Shriver is the mom we all wish we had and I'm sure she had some everybody has some thoughts we're all we're all human but I want to know because I'm kind of obsessed with her of course and I think the world is a little bit obsessed with her what are a few of the parenting things that she did that you want to bring into your kind of parenting? Like what are the most impactful things that she did for you?

28:35You know, it's funny. I feel like there are people spend so much time thinking like, oh, I, you know, I had this really like terrible thing, terrible part of my childhood and my parents did this and I want to change this now that I'm a parent and you know, blah, blah. I truly, I don't know if I've come across something that I would want to change with how my, about my childhood, like how, especially, you know, as a mother looking at my own mom's behavior and her decisions or her way of going about things. I'm like, and I talked to Chris about this all the time. I'm like, I want to do so much of the exact same that my mom did because I look at my childhood and everything that she, the choices that she made for us were so thoughtful and beyond her, like beyond her knowledge at the time of like how she took so much time and thought and consideration and care into raising the four of us in our own individual way and catering to our own, you know, needs and ways of being.

29:55And I think she did such a great job at that. And I look at the fact that like the four of us kids are like, we're all best friends and we all are so close and we're close with both of our parents. Our parents get along and we spend so much time together as a family that that is like my, I mean, I'm literally, I live like five houses from my mom. I like, I wish we could all live under the same roof together still. Like I want that for my kids. I want my kids to like, want to hang out with me as an adult and also want to hang out with each other. So there's so much that my mom has taught me or that I want to take from her mothering role.

30:38I think the number one would be like, my mom always told us how much, like, no matter what would always say, I love you no matter what. I see you for who you are. I accept you no matter what. And that you can always come to me. She would say with anything and it is judgment-free and you can ask me any question. You can tell me anything that you've done. You can tell me anything that you're thinking about and you will not be judged for it. And I think that that providing that open line of communication that you knew was judgment free really allowed me to come to my mom for anything where I think a lot of kids get in trouble going to other people that might not give them advice that's aligned with their values that get you into tricky situations.

31:28So I think that definite, that feeling of unconditional love is incredible. I would say also my mom always prioritized the message of family over everything. She always told my siblings whenever we would fight, whenever, you know, we would get into disagreement with a cousin or a parent or an aunt or an uncle or, you know, whoever, it was always like your family, your siblings are your built-in best friends and they will be with you forever. They will know you better than anyone will ever know you. They will be there through thick and thin. And I think that that stemmed from the mentality that my great grandma had, which was like, your family is your number one.

32:11And that's another big thing. And I think just like values. My mom talked a lot about values growing up. and that's really important to Chris and I also to talk to our kids about it's like what do we value as a family and my mom like I never questioned like what is it that like we value in this family growing up or like I would always think is this something that like if I was like trying to decide to do something or not is it something that would go along with my values or would make my parents proud or you know make me feel good about myself when doing this so So having clear values in a family, like your family values are, I think, also really important.

32:58Talk to me a little bit about that. I'm so curious about that because I think, I don't know that a lot of us are doing that. We're just really busy and we think we're instilling values just, you know, day to day, don't do this, do that. But this is a lot more effective, sort of having a set, not rule system, not valid, but like nine go-to things that you, How are you and Chris doing it at this younger age and instilling sort of the family values? And how are you choosing them? I mean, I think that we, so Chris and I did, when we got engaged, we did a, you know, premarital counseling or a couple's therapy before we got married.

33:37That was a requirement in the Catholic church, but we continued it even past getting married because we found it to be so effective with how we communicate. And it's all done through the, which I'm sure you know about the imago communication, which is a form of communication for anybody doesn't know that is very specific with how you communicate with another person. And it kind of goes based off of a script and having somebody guide you through the communication is really helpful, especially if it's in a relationship, because so often we talk to each other. and when emotions are heightened or when you're talking about something sensitive, you don't actually hear what the person is saying or you hear something different than what they're saying.

34:21So it's a helpful form of communication. Anyway, when we did our premarital counseling, we talked a lot about these subjects that were, you know, how you want to raise your kids, what are your values? What are your family values? What are, you know, certain values that you want to talk to your children about. And in that premarital counseling, and I say to everyone to do, whether you're Catholic or not, when you're about to get married, doing a intense series of courses and having an intense series of conversations about things before you get married is so helpful. And there are people who say, I've been with this person for 10 years.

35:04I know everything. And I'm like, you don't like you are prompted in these courses to talk about money, to talk about if someone asked you for money, how would you handle that? To talk about fidelity, porn, drinking, drug use, raising your kids, what religion you want to raise your children. Like all of these things that, you know, there were scenarios that were brought up that Chris and I were like, you know, we haven't even thought about, like, I don't even know how I would react to that, you know? So it was really helpful for our relationship. But when it comes to values to your question, those were things that we talked a lot about in those courses.

35:47And since still talk about them all the time as the kids get older, of course. So we're aligned there, which is good. Wow. I'm feeling inspired myself, honestly. I mean, I feel like it's unspoken, but we really need to start communicating it to our kids and kind of nail down what we mean. Like, I'm assuming these are very specific and same with what your mom would do. You know, the values, it's sort of like something you could repeat in your head where it's like our family values, honesty, or, you know, communication or something. You go to a school and you have like an honor code or, you know, a code of conduct.

36:27And it's not necessarily like a written thing. It's like you talk about these things. So it's like, what's a value in our home? We value family. We value faith. We value, you know, trust. We value honesty. And we, so we kind of like, we talk about things as they come up. And, you know, our kids are still young, so there are conversations that are age appropriate, but there are definitely things that like Chris and I are clear about. And also that my mom and my dad were always clear with us about like, that's not one of the values of our family. Like don't do X, Y, and Z. And here's why this is what like, and, you know, also for my mom and my dad, the most important thing was also always raising good, kind, compassionate, and happy children.

37:26And that is something that's also very important to Chris and I of like, you know, I don't care how, I don't care if you get straight A's in school. Yeah. I shouldn't say that, but I don't. And I don't care like if you get all these accolades at school or if you go to the best college or if you go like, I care if you're a good human. I care if you're kind. I care if you are, you know, if you're happy in your life and if you're a compassionate person, because that'll take you far. I'm feeling really inspired right now. Probably people listening are too. I mean, when you, even when you said that you had like your four fingers up, like you knew exactly what your four family values were growing up.

38:13That's what we need. I love this also because it takes a lot of the shame away from when a kid makes a mistake. It often can come across as you're a bad kid. What's wrong with you? But when you can shift it into just, hey, you know, our family values, does this line up with our family values? And it's like a curiosity thing. And the kid almost gets to be like, oh, let me think about that. No, I guess it doesn't. I made a mistake. But now now and also what can I do next time is very clear because it's like, well, what should I be doing according to our family values for next time? Super helpful.

38:50Yeah. I mean, also the whole like repair angle is also like you guys talk about this with your account so much. It's like, that's also a very foreign or new concept to our generation of parents is like how you repair as a parent, how you repair like in your relationship, in your friendships and with your children. And And then also explain to your children the importance of repair with one another. Like I'm seeing this now with my daughters when they're like, grab a toy from one another or they, you know, I'm like, pray for me in high school. I'm going to get like my sister and I take two and I'm just like, what have I done?

39:32Yeah. I'm in that phase a little bit, a little bit with eight and six already, you know, the clothes and the stuff. But it's like even like talking about repair with the two of them, you know, like if you take a toy or you colored on someone's coloring book or, you know, like how can you repair at these little smaller levels? So then when things happen as they get older, then they're able to have the language or the comfort to repair on their own. I feel like it's so uncomfortable for so many adults because if you've never heard it before and the only thing that was modeled to you was either nothing and silence or defense or projection where it was like, well, you shouldn't have, you know, you shouldn't have been screaming.

40:19And then I wouldn't scream at you. Do you and Chris, like, are you guys big repairers to your kids? Yes. Okay. And in front of them too. Yeah. We're big repairers to each other, Chris and I. I love that. We're also big repairs with, you know, with our kids. And, you know, like if I like, let's say didn't handle something that I wanted to handle in the way that I would have liked to have handled it, I'll say to, you know, my kids like, hey, this, I, this, I didn't handle the way that I wish I did. And let's talk about what that was. And I, I also am big. I think it was actually, I saw it on one of your guys' videos that you talked about that it's okay to tell your kids when you're feeling frustrated or having a feeling, which was also like a very new concept to me because I was like, oh, I can say to my kids like, oh, I'm feeling frustrated right now.

41:12I'm going to go take a deep breath. And that models to them, oh, that they can do that too in times of feeling frustrated. So that was like a new concept to me that I really actually enjoy doing and enjoy having them see and have curiosity around because they're like, are you feeling frustrated right now? Yeah. Girl, my three-year-old, newly three-year-old, and he turned to me yesterday and he's like, mom, are you frustrated? And everything in me wants to do what we want, what we like naturally want to do, which is like, no, honey, I'm fine because he's such, he's like a cute little baby, you know, you don't want to.

41:51And I wasn't, I wasn't screaming. I wasn't anything. It was just like the dog did something clearly that would upset anyone, you know, and it's just like, oh, just one of those. Yeah. Mommy, are you frustrated? And I'm like, you know what? I am frustrated. I'm going to take a few deep breaths. And it was easier in that moment because I wasn't through the roof frustrated. But I thought, what a good thing, because they're going to feel frustrated. And I think what we witnessed a lot in our, you know, childhoods were either a stifling of emotion where it's like, mommy's fine. Mommy's fine. And you're like, mommy is not fine.

42:25It just makes you a little more scared and uneasy. Something's not fine. Or the opposite, which is just shoving it down and then it explodes later. And you're like, well, I don't even know where that came from. I'm a bad kid. So I love, I mean, I just think modeling is so important. And that's why I'm also curious about you and Chris, because this is where my husband and I try really hard to grow because I can repair it to my kids to the end of time and he can too. And I think what's the most effective is when two parents actually repair in front of their kids because we're trying to teach like what you're saying.

43:09One of your girls, you know, takes a toy or makeup later on or something and they have witnessed their parents who went through a conflict, they've witnessed their parents actually say, my bad, I shouldn't have taken that from you. But right now they kind of witness us being a little bit defensive. And I'm noticing my kids be a little bit defensive. And I'm like, oh, man, we got to step up the repairing just with each other, you know, and the healthy conflict communication in front of them. Usually it's after bedtime when we're calm and we like go through the calm. We're like, I'm so sorry. you know, in the moment we just blow through it.

43:45So I'm curious, do you, do you ever do repair in front of them? I think I can, I mean, now talking about it, I think we could probably do a better job doing repairs in front of them. I think it's like, you know, Lila's five and Eloise is three. So it's like, yes, we can, you know, repair certain things. We don't really get in disagreements in front of the kids really ever. And I think that that was something that again, like before we even had kids, we talked about, like, we don't, we don't disagree with one another, like go against what the other parent is doing in front of the kids, just so we are showing like a united front.

44:27And I think especially in like a blended family, it is even more important to be able to have those moments. Cause I also have a stepson. So, but I think, you know, I'm really lucky because Chris is like the, like Chris will be able to catch himself. If his lid is about to flip, he'll be like, and then just like exit. Whereas I'm like, like, you know, I'm, I'm more like, I can react more than Chris. And so he's also really great at communicating. amazing and he's so calm like the calmest I'm not so calm I like I envy my youngest brother Christopher is very similar to my husband Chris they're very similar and they are like there could be the worlds could be falling apart and they are just like steady wow steady people so I'm really lucky Chris is like that with really everything and then him and I can talk and he'll always say which we learned in the MAGA he'll say is now a good time to talk good for him yes and you can say no right you're like no I can say no or you know like he'll say that to me with like a scheduling thing because like I have which I'm sure you do too I have like a permanent calendar in my mind.

46:01I'll say like, is now a good time to talk about a scheduling question? And I'm like, yes, or no, it's not. I have the kids with me or, you know, so we've learned different ways to talk to each other and communicate with one another where we can like actually receive what the other person is saying. But I think being mindful of like repairs in front of your kids is a great thing to be able to do. And definitely something that I want to be mindful of, especially as they get older and are more in tune with that. Yeah. Well, it sounds like you're already just modeling healthy communication because it's not like everything's going perfectly.

46:37It's just that when something happens, he can say, Oh, I need to take a deep breath and go out. Like you're doing it on the defense offense. You're doing it on the offense. I see the girls doing it, you know, too, where they'll, they like, even when I see Eloise trying to calm Lila down or Lila calm Eloise down. They'll say, let's take a deep breath. Like I picked up Eloise from school. She just started preschool. She's three. I picked her up from school and her teacher said, you know, Eloise really was helping her friend today put on his shoes and he was getting very frustrated. And she said to him, we can do this together.

47:17Let's take a deep breath together and we can be frustrated and I can help you. And I was like, there we go. that was your voice in her head do you feel proud I was so proud of her and I talked to her about it after I was like always I'm so proud of you like you did suck you helped your friend that's so kind what a good job you know so I think like those things make me like you know really excited and proud of my kids yeah proud of you I'm proud of you I hope you're proud of you like kudos that's big. That's literally, you said that enough times to her that that came out of her. So that's incredible.

47:56And she's three. So good job. Good job.

48:04Hi, I'm Natasha Leggero. And I'm Sabrina Jalise. And this is Good Enough. It's a different kind of parenting podcast where we share tips. We talk to our coolest parent friends. Only the coolest. and we roast trans. What do we do? In general, we... Talk shit. We talk major shit. Yeah. Watch out, Dr. Becky. Yeah, watch out. Wait, but we want her as a guest. Oh. So watch out for our invite, girl. New episodes every Wednesday. And don't forget to subscribe!

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54:18So go to h-i-y-a-h-e-a-l-t-h.com slash BLF and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. let's shift in our last few minutes a little bit more about the book because we touched on the book but I really want to dive into it because I love the book it is called Pat and Brandy yeah here it is it's such a sweet book and I have had such a fun time talking about you know I think as a mom putting a book out there that talks about overcoming your fears was really important to me And as I said earlier, I was really mindful of the natural and organic conversations that will come up when reading this book between the adult and the child about, oh, I'm afraid of something.

55:10What are you afraid of? Or how do you overcome your fear? How do you work through those fears? And, you know, my goal is to have this book be about overcoming your fears and what it means to be brave, how you, you know, how do you practice bravery, how you practice courage. and also really to shine a light on the incredible healing power of animals. And, you know, I'm a huge animal lover, but for me, this book is about a horse and how horses have been really healing for me, but you don't have to have a horse to experience the healing power of animals. It can be from a goldfish or a rabbit or a dog, a cat, a gerbil.

55:49Someone told me about their gerbil that was healing to them recently. And I was like, go figure. Like there are so many different ways that You can feel the healing power of animals. And that is a big theme in this book. And really just for children to be able to feel seen in their fear and read this book and say, oh, Kat was scared of horseback riding and she worked through that fear. And I'm afraid of riding my bike and I want to now go and work through that fear. That's my hope for this book is that it has that impact on children. Did that come from your childhood? Like, were you especially scared of things or like, where did this concept come from?

56:27I mean, I really benefited from having the healing power of animals be present in my life for sure. And having a shared activity with my mom, which I, you know, also talk about in this book and having a shared activity, just parents and children is a huge gift to be able to give to your kids. And it doesn't have to be, you know, riding a horse. It can be going on walks, hikes, basketball, soccer, bike riding, like whatever it is. but so many conversations come from that. And that's really where I was able to have a lot of conversations with my mom about being afraid. Is there a baby? It's my husband.

57:05So the big baby, I love a big baby, but yeah, I, I think just like I had that when I was younger, like I was really afraid I would get thrown off a horse all the time. And so I was afraid. And so I had those conversations with my mom and she really helped me work through that. And also just being in the presence of Brandy allowed me to work through that. Cause I, you know, she was, as you can see in like the picture here, she had a big scar on her face. And so she really did in real life have a scar on her face and had a, came from a background that wasn't the most amazing, which made her very skittish and not very trustworthy.

57:42And so through a lot of time and patience, we earned each other's trust, which gave me confidence to try something new and work through my fears alongside her. And so it was like, we both worked through our fears individually, but also side by side that allowed me to be brave. And it's also like so crazy because I, she was my pony growing up, but I just one week ago had to put my horse down that I've had for 24 years. So it's like these, for me, you know, these animals in our lives are such huge gifts and they're able to bring us a sense of calm and peace that for me personally, I could not find anywhere else.

58:27So whether it's a horse or a rabbit or a gerbil or a chicken, whatever it is, just having their presence in your life is, is such a gift and talking about working through fears is something that was really important to me as a mom, especially of two young girls to be able to talk about. Yeah. I mean, I appreciate it because I think we all struggle with how to approach fear in our kids. It's not the most comfortable emotion. You want everything to be rainbows and sunshines and you never want anything to go wrong. So I just love it. And so if you're listening, definitely order Kat and Brandy. Pre-orders matter.

59:02It matters so much to the author. It gets them onto a higher list. So please, please, please do pre-order. I know your kids are going to love it. My kids loved it. And I just think it has such a good message. It's such a good way to work through fear. So if your child's afraid of like the slide or a balloon, or they're not afraid of anything, I just think it's a really wonderful book. So head out and get it, please. Catherine, I could talk to you forever. Maybe we'll talk later, you know, because I have so many more questions about your childhood and Maria and also even just your values. Like I'm really fired up now.

59:39So I'm going to follow up and ask you more questions as like I would love it. Thank you, Catherine. Thanks. Oh, I just love her. Guys, don't you love her? Just like one of those really sweet, angelic people that you cannot, you cannot help but love. Okay, what I took away from this episode the most, and I already knew it, was Maria Shriver, okay? Her mom and her principals that she handed down to her kids. I want to be the mom that when my kids are older, they come over for dinner every Friday. And unlike, you know, the codependent way, but in the healthy way, I want to do that. And so I'm obsessed.

1:00:20Like, oh my God, I don't know that I've made it really clear. Here's what our family values are. Of course, my kids know we want to be kind. We want to be empathic. They see me being kind. They know that. But I think this is such a good idea to instill these sort of core values and keeping it really specific rather than vague, which is kind of what I'm doing right now. But really be specific about what is this household's key values. You put everything on the side. There are these five values. Well, this is what our family values. This is what we do. Did that fall in line with that? And they can take that all the way through their life.

1:01:00They can think about that at five years old. They can think about it at 12 years old. They can think about it at 16 years old. Hey, does this fall within my family values, which are my values? I just, I am blown away. Honestly, I love you besties. If you loved this episode, please hit the follow button and follow the show wherever you are listening to podcasts. It means so much more to us than you would ever know. It's completely free. it's the only thing we'll ever ask of you to do or maybe leave a review if you really want to but hitting that follow button it helps our show grow on the back end it shows everybody on the back end that we are legit it helps us get better guests it helps us make the show great so hit the follow button if you love it and I will see you next week besties

1:02:17Thank you.