The Real Reason You’re Exhausted All the Time

25:21Dawn G.:Your brain is still going, I need to answer that email, sign up for the field trip form, buy the teacher gifts, rotate the winter clothes. Oh my God, I need to text that friend back. Oh shit, summer camps, which by the way, I have not signed up for any summer camps. Return the Amazon thing. I'll order more vitamins. Do we have green for spirit week? Is her color actually green? Why do they always need green? The only green things we ever have is St. Patrick's Day stuff. Your nervous system is essentially running 47 browser tabs at all times, maybe more. And chronic mental load actually increases cortisol levels and decreases working memory capacity over time.

26:00Dawn G.:Hello, does that like strike a chord? I feel cortisol levels sky high, we're stressed, decreasing working memory. So we forget things all the time. And then we beat ourselves up for forgetting the 47 browser tabs that we needed to remember. The more overwhelmed you are, the harder it becomes to function. And now we are in this cycle of not functioning well and feeling shame because we're not functioning well. Your brain literally becomes less efficient under chronic overload. And I think one of the saddest parts is how many women actually believe if I were stronger, I'd be handling this better.

26:47Dawn G.:No, no, no, no, no, no. You are having a normal human response to an unsustainable amount of psychological demand. That is different. And if I'm going to be very honest, I'm going to say something. I think social media has poured gasoline on this entire experience. I think it was always very overwhelming and had a lot of demand being a mom. OK, I think there were always ballet recitals and things to sign up for. However, a human brain isn't meant to compare themselves to thousands of people a day. Our brains are not designed to take in the mom who makes homemade sourdoughs, the mom who runs marathons, the mom whose kids eat salmon, and the mom with the spotless kitchen, the mom with a thriving marriage and a matching linen set, then the different mom who has a perfect organization closet over here.

27:45Dawn G.:The thing that we are not stopping to realize is the mom who's making a sourdough, her house is a mess, but she's not showing that part. The mom who has a spotless house and she's showing that all over Instagram, she is not showing how dysregulated she is, how she's yelling at her kids all the time. The mom whose kids eat salmon or she cuts little cutie shapes of cucumbers, she's really focused on food. You're not seeing behind the scenes her marriage is falling apart. You're only seeing what these people are a obsessed with, which is great. You're seeing what they're good at, which is great. You're seeing what they want to be showing, which is great.

28:30Dawn G.:And sometimes, by the way, we even do see that flip side. We see the dietician who feeds her kids really well, makes us feel like shit because she's cutting all those cute little shapes. She even does sometimes show her messy ass house. And yet all we take in is the part that we're not achieving. We're not putting two plus two equals four together. We're not sitting there and consciously saying, okay, what I am consuming right now is one part of this person's life, and it's the best part of this person's life, and it's the thing that they prioritize over everything else. That is all we can do in our own lives.

29:16Dawn G.:We absolutely cannot run a marathon, be committed to making the perfect bento boxes, have a spotless kitchen, have a thriving marriage, get matching linen sets, have a perfectly organized playroom, make homemade sourdoughs. That doesn't exist in one person. Those are a bunch of different people. So when we're just mindlessly scrolling, all we're doing is unconsciously comparing ourselves. We're not actively thinking through what they are or aren't doing behind the scenes. We're just instinctively comparing ourselves. And there's actual neuroscience that shows social comparison and rejection activate many of the same brain regions associated with physical pain and threat detection, meaning your brain experiences inadequacy as danger, danger, physical danger.

30:12Dawn G.:So every time you scroll and subconsciously absorb, oh, God, she's doing so much better than me. Oh, man, I should be making this from scratch. Oh God, I should be baking cookies more. I should be working out more. I got to wake up at five and work out. Every time you scroll and unconsciously absorb that, your nervous system takes a hit. And women are especially vulnerable to this because female socialization, it's always been deeply relational. Women are taught from birth to monitor how they're perceived, how they're received, whether they're liked, whether they're enough, whether they're failing publicly.

30:47Dawn G.:Be a good girl. So now take that wiring that has been in us for, what, 30, 40 years and combine it with the internet. It's absolutely diabolical. And then there's perfectionism. Okay. Oh my God. I need us to talk about perfectionism because I think so many women confuse anxiety with responsibility. Like if we stop worrying, everything will collapse. If we stop over-functioning, everything will fall apart. If we stop carrying every single thing, oh man, we're failing and everybody else can do it and why can't we? And I really want to take a step back because I felt this way for a really long time.

31:33Dawn G.:I still get into patterns of if I don't do this, if I don't keep everything up, everything will fall apart. Everything will collapse. I really want to zoom out. I think that this messaging starts so young for girls. You become the good girl, the helper, the achiever, the easy one, the responsible one, and everybody praises you for it. Nobody realizes that you are slowly learning. My worth comes from performance. Research actually shows girls receive significantly more praise for being helpful, well-behaved, and quote-unquote good compared to boys, while boys are often more praised for risk-taking, independence, and confidence.

32:21Dawn G.:It's fucked up. Over time, that shapes our identity, especially if you're someone like me, by the way. I am more of a risk-taking person. I'm more of an independent person. I'm not really a helpful, organized, have all my ducks in a row kind of person. So trying to fit myself into this box of what a good girl should be, Lord, that has shaped my identity for 40 years of feeling like I'm completely failing at this whole life thing, at being a true woman, a mom, a wife, a person. And on the flip side, I think anybody who does strongly identify with being organized, helpful, good, well-behaved, it's too much pressure.

33:06Dawn G.:Then that person really feels like they really should be able to do it all. Either way, you start believing my worth comes from how useful I am, how easy, how much I can take care of everything without complaining, how productive I am, how impressive I am, how much I can carry without needing anything back. And then you become an adult woman and suddenly you cannot understand why rest makes you feel guilty because your nervous system learned productivity equals safety. Achievement equals love. Being low maintenance equals belonging. Taking care of everything perfectly means you have done a good job.

33:52Dawn G.:And motherhood is basically one giant trigger for perfectionism because there is no finish line. You're never going to get it. There is no moment where it's all done. The laundry replaces the laundry. The dishes replace the dishes. The emails replace the emails. The spirit week replaces the Girl Scouts week. The second you clear one thing, life generates 14 more things. And I think so many of us are chasing this mythical moment where everything is handled. I know I am. I am chasing this moment where the house is clean. The email inbox is empty. The kids are emotionally regulated. I have them signed up for the right amount of activities.

34:36Dawn G.:I've worked out five times a week. I have meal prepped. Every meal was cooked at home. I texted everybody back. I drank enough water. I folded the laundry. I put away the laundry, which I never do, by the way. I am deeply connected to my partner. I have made intentional time for my partner. I exfoliated. I packed snacks. They are well-rounded snacks. And then I've also achieved everything at work I want to achieve. And then finally I'll be able to relax. but I've realized that moment never comes. It actually never ever comes and not in a bad way, not in a negative way. The only reason this feels so bad and it feels so negative is because I keep chasing this moment where I feel like it's going to come.

35:26Dawn G.:One of the biggest shifts for me lately has been realizing I need to stop trying to finish life. Life is alive. It keeps moving. It keeps needing things. And that doesn't actually mean that I'm behind or that I'm failing or that something's wrong with me or that somebody else has it together more than I do. I've been trying really hard to practice saying, this is enough for today. Really pausing at the end of each portion of my day. So at the end of my workday, I say consciously, this is enough for today. I'm proud of myself. At the end of my parenting shift, right after bedtime, this is enough for today.

36:14Dawn G.:I'm proud of myself for today. Before bedtime, that was enough. I'm so proud of what I did today instead of the scrolling, never-ending list of all the things I didn't do. Because those are two very different mindsets. Very, very, very different. And what we know is that neurons that fire together, wire together. What does that mean? It means the more that we think a certain way, the more that becomes our reality. And so if every day, multiple times a day, if not all day, we're thinking, God, I didn't do enough. God, I didn't do enough. God, I didn't do enough. Oh, she did all this and then we did this and now I have to do this.

36:59Dawn G.:What's wrong with me? We are going to wire that type of thinking into our neural pathways so that this becomes the unconscious thought, we are constantly automatically thinking no matter what. Now, if we consciously instead choose a new neural pathway, and it's hard to do a new way of thinking, by the way, you have to be conscious to do it and say, this is enough for today. I'm so proud of myself today. Guess what? Every time you say that out loud to yourself or in your own head, you are building that neural pathway. Now, here's the thing. Two different neural pathways. Okay. Stay with me. The one that is telling you that you didn't do enough and you're not enough, that's a really deep pathway.

37:50Dawn G.:I want you to think how many times your finger, like literally I'm using my finger right now to go over it over and over and over and over and see how deep it goes. The more you keep pushing over and over and over. But when you make a new neural pathway, you have to repeat that new way of thinking over and over and over and over and over and over. And once that one becomes deeper than the other one, that becomes your default way of thinking. So if you start saying to yourself, this is enough for today. I am so proud of myself over and over and over enough times. That's going to be your default mode inside of your head.

38:30Dawn G.:Isn't that amazing? Now, this is not my default yet. This is something that I am consciously doing every single day. And I know I've been a mom for nine years. Some of you have been a mom for less years. But guess what? If you just keep doing it, you're actually going to override your brain, my friend. You are actually going to start defaulting at the end of the day to say to yourself. God, I'm proud of myself. Let that one go. All right. Nice. Why is this so important? Self-compassion research shows people who practice self-compassion have lower cortisol levels, better emotional resilience, lower anxiety, and more motivation long term, not less, which is wild because I think so many of us think that self-criticism is what's going to motivate us.

39:19Dawn G.:It's what's going to keep us going. We have to just stay on the ball. But actually, the opposite is true. Shame is what shuts the nervous system down. Remember our fun fact from earlier that when we are overproducing, our cortisol goes up and our working memory goes down? Well, when we practice self-compassion, our cortisol goes down. Our anxiety goes down. What does that mean? It means that our working memory is going to go up. It means we can actually function better by practicing self-compassion instead of self-criticism, focusing on the things that we haven't done. I think so many of us women are running on survival mode and we're calling it productivity.

40:04Dawn G.:I really do. And I've been there for a long, long time myself. It's how we were raised. It's what we were taught. We're exhausted. We're deeply exhausted. And because exhaustion has become normalized, we don't even realize how depleted we are anymore. Mothers today report significantly higher burnout levels than mothers did decades ago, despite having more convenience tools. I mean, listen, think about it. You can get groceries delivered. You can get takeout. There are so many modern conveniences, but why are we having higher burnout levels? It's because psychologically we are carrying more than ever.

40:46Dawn G.:More information, more comparison, more pressure, more expectations. At the same time, we have less of a village. We rest less. We have less. And I think one of the biggest lies women have absorbed is this idea that rest is a reward you earn after exhaustion. No, no. Rest is preventative care for your nervous system. And this changed my life, truly, because I used to think, okay, once I can get everything finally done, then I can rest. Like we talked about, I'm never going to get everything done. So when am I going to rest? Like, make it make sense, guys. Our nervous systems don't work like that.

41:27Dawn G.:Stress has to complete somewhere. You cannot keep going and going and going and going. There's incredible research from the book called Burnout, which I highly recommend, about the stress cycle and how your body physically carries stress until it gets a signal of safety and completion. Most women never complete the cycle. We just keep going. We just keep pushing. We just keep pushing. We just told that this is what motherhood looks like. It looks like exhaustion. It looks like pushing. And then we wonder why we feel numb or angry or overstimulated or disconnected and emotionally flat. Your nervous system is begging for recovery, but not recovery after.

42:13Dawn G.:Not recovery when you're so burnt out you can barely function. The recovery is preventative. The recovery isn't earned. The recovery is essential. We deserve it. We don't have to earn it. We rest and we rest deeply so that we can show up. How many of us only let ourselves stop once our bodies force us to stop? I'm raising my hand right now. Okay. Migraines. That was me. Burnout, anxiety, panic attacks, autoimmune flares, exhaustion, check, check, check, check, all of them. Remember the time I had a mental breakdown and had to go on Lexapro? Yeah. My body eventually started screaming what my nervous system was telling me all along and that I was just pushing down.

43:06Dawn G.:And I'm never going to go back there again. I'm going to tell you that much. I'm never going back to feeling like I need to carry everything and make everyone perfectly happy so that I get to a point where I cannot even stand up or function anymore. It's never going to happen again. I now know that preventative filling of my cup, preventative rest is crucial to me actually being able to function. It's not me indulging. It's not me being lazy. Okay. It is crucial in being able to show up long term because this is a marathon. The list isn't ending. And I had this moment the other night that honestly, it just like completely woke me up.

43:49Dawn G.:Okay. I was apologizing to one of my kids because I had forgotten something. And, you know, I for what it's worth, I put my kids first. So if I'm forgetting something, it's usually for me. Okay. I forget everything. Everything for me. I don't know where the car key is. I can't locate my computer, you know, even though it's supposed to just be in the same spot every day. Like who loses a whole computer? Me, me, my headphones, my AirPods. I lose fucking everything. I am late to everything. But when it comes to my kids, I put all of that first. So I'm not that forgetful. I'm never late for them. Okay.

44:29Dawn G.:But, but it happens. We're human. I forgot something. Okay. I forgot a spirit day. Okay. And so I apologized. I did the, you know, I'm sorry. I know that was disappointing. It's a big deal for you. And I'm going to do my best. And as I was walking away, I mumbled under my breath because I was just exhausted and not feeling my best. I was like, God, I'm such a mess. I said that. It was my negative self-talk. My daughter heard me, okay? She comes over to me. She goes, you're not a mess. You're my mom. You're the best mom. And just like, excuse me while I pass away. Like, excuse me while I literally just die.

45:16Dawn G.:Because when I tell you the sincerity in her voice, the look in her eyes. She doesn't view me as a measure of my productivity. She doesn't wake up evaluating if I have gotten everything perfectly done just so. She doesn't care if the laundry is folded. She doesn't care if I answered all the emails. She doesn't care if a few times I have forgotten something for her. Now, it's different if I forget everything for them and it's a pattern. It's different if I am chronically late to everything for them. That shows up in therapy later on in life. Okay. That is something we can all work on. But when we forget something occasionally, when we are occasionally late, our inner self voice is to be, I'm such a mess.

46:13Dawn G.:What is wrong with me? Meanwhile, our children are looking at us and they are thinking, I love you so much. You are the best mom. They don't see us as a mess at all. I know that my daughter feels safe. I know that my daughter remembers that I was laughing on the couch with them right before it. I know that my daughter sees how I look at her when she talks, when she talks about Pokemon, when she talks about art, when she's talking about something she's excited about. I know the look in my eyes and I know she can feel that. I know that she feels that our home is warm and cozy and loving for the most part.

46:56Dawn G.:And I just sat there thinking, oh my God, what if I'm the only one holding myself to these impossible standards? Holy shit. But it never crossed my mind, guys. It never crossed my mind that the people in my actual life that I care about, not the fucking internet groups and the chats that are like ripping me apart to shreds for being messy and disgusting. No, no, no, no, no. The people who live in my house, the people who love me, the people who are nearest to me, the ones who matter the most, by the way, my children. What if those people already think I'm enough? What if I'm the only one arguing with that?

47:46Sit with that.

47:47Dawn G.:What if my children already think that I'm enough and that I'm amazing? And what if I'm the only one arguing with that? And I think about this all the time now. I truly do. Because children are watching how women treat themselves. They are watching mothers apologize for existing. They are watching us call ourselves lazy. They are watching us apologize for the mess when people come over. They're watching us panic when something goes a little bit wrong. They're watching us get really stressed before parties if everything isn't perfect. They're watching us walk around exhausted and then they're learning that rest has to be earned.

48:32Dawn G.:I don't want that for my kids and I especially don't want that for my daughters. I do not want them growing up believing that womanhood and motherhood is just permanent exhaustion while pretending you're fine. I want them to see a mother who is human. I want them to see me forget spirit wink once in a while. You know what? Because my kid is going to forget something someday. My kid's going to forget an email someday. My kid is going to be late to somewhere someday. And I don't want them to think, God, I'm such a mess. I want them to think what they saw me do, which is, nah, man, I'm sorry I missed that.

49:13Dawn G.:And I'll work harder next time. I'll them to see a mother who is human. I want them to see a mother who takes care of herself, who does make mistakes, who laughs at herself, who rests. I want them to see a mother who asks for help. I want them to see someone who says, this is hard. I need help. And I don't want them to see a mom who collapses under the pressure of trying to perform perfection all the time. and honestly this has become one of my biggest goals in life it used to be my biggest goal to get everything on the list done which included not just like the little things of the to-do list no no no no my biggest goals in life were to complete every single teeny tiny and huge thing that had to be done all the way down to redecorating our entire home and also this and also that and also this and also that.

50:14Once I hit that, then I'll be happy.

50:17Dawn G.:Then I'll rest. Then I'll laugh. Then I'll prioritize my marriage. Then I'll prioritize myself. And you know what? My biggest goals in life have completely shifted. It's completely shifted after I had that sort of mental breakdown that led me to going on Lexapro. At that time, I was trying to perform perfection all the time. I was. And now my goal is not becoming perfect. It's not. I still hear those thoughts come up. I still look at these books that are on my floor, by the way. I'm still looking at them and I'm thinking, oh my God, I have to get the perfect bookshelf and then I have to get this and then I have to anchor it to the wall.

51:01Dawn G.:Then next to the bookshelf, I have to get the little sitting area. I want a sitting reading area. Oh, but then that's going to become my podcast station. So I'm going to set up a little podcast area. And then you know how Dina put those wooden things on the wall because Dina's a contractor. So she just like screwed and she drilled things into the wall. I could do that. I mean, I definitely cannot do that, but maybe I could do wallpaper. Yeah, I'll put wallpaper there. And that is what used to cross my mind looking at these books. I'll be honest, that still crosses my mind when I read the books.

51:28Dawn G.:But now the difference is those thoughts used to consume me. And then when I wouldn't do it or I couldn't do it because hello, life, I would shame the shit out of myself. What's wrong with me? I'm a mess. Normal people have their houses together. Normal people can cook from scratch. Normal people can do sourdough. Normal people run marathons. Normal people have perfectly organized houses. Normal people feed their kids vegetables on and on and on. And now the only shift for me is pretty small, but it's actually felt huge. I think those same thoughts. I look at those same books and I say to myself, I think that's bordering on a perfect goal.

52:13Dawn G.:And my goal, it's not being perfect. My goal is to be free. I know that sounds crazy, but truly my goal is to be free from the constant feeling that I'm failing at everything all the time. that's my only goal my goal is to be free from the constant feeling that i'm failing at everything all the time because i'm starting to realize the women that i admire most they're not doing everything perfectly actually they're the women who feel fully alive i have asked every woman in my life, how they juggle it all. Every single one, especially the ones that I look up to. They're all wildly different people.

53:00Dawn G.:Some of them look completely put together. Some of them look visually like hot messes like me. They all have different houses. They all have different careers. Some of them stay home. They're all completely different. But I look up to them in their energy, in their feeling of their joy, I look up to them. And they had one thing in common. And the one thing was they fully realized and stuck to the things that felt the most important to them. They unapologetically put that thing or those few things first. They love that thing. They are lit up by that thing. They fully commit to that thing or those few things.

53:46Dawn G.:And then they let the rest go. And they don't feel bad about it. And they don't feel shame about it. And that was the total difference in the people that I was looking to, to thinking, what is your secret here? One of these women, it was her career. It was her career. And she felt fully at peace with her schedule, with prioritizing her career, with having a lot of help around the house and with her kids. She didn't see her kids that much and she totally owned it. Now, how many people out there are going to judge this woman? How many people? A lot. OK, but the difference is she owned it. And I actually think this is a hot take.

54:28Dawn G.:This is a hot take. She's a happier woman. if you told her to be with her kids more, she might pass on some damage to those kids. She might be miserable with those kids. My professional opinion, let her go have her career. That woman is so happy. She laughs so hard. She feels so deeply. She takes care of herself. And you know what? When she shows up, whether she is showing up for her kids, showing up for other people, she feels whole. She feels so fucking happy. It's crazy. Now, that's actually not for me. Okay. I actually want to be with my kids a bit more. But the concept, it's the concept. And I do feel like it's uncomfortable because even when I bring up that example, I feel such an urge to judge.

55:14Dawn G.:I feel such an urge to be like, but I actually prioritize a lot of time with my kids. I'm going to be really honest with you. And I'm actually personally sacrificing my career because I pick up my kids. I pick them up at 2.30. I want to. And I know that if I were to just stay and work and work until six, this is a privileged choice that I'm able to make doing the things that I do. But I know that at the end of the day, I would be unhappy doing that. I would feel like there's something missing. I know what I want to do with my life. It's so hard to watch women like this who know exactly how they want to balance their lives and then do it unapologetically and also do it so happily.

55:59Dawn G.:There's some piece of us and definitely pieces of the internet that want to just rip that woman apart and that trickles into our brain. But I'm going to urge every single one of you listening. What is your version of that? What is your version? In this example, she's sacrificing time with her kids. She is sacrificing time with her partner. She's sacrificing many, many things in order to do the thing that fills her up and that she loves. Now let's do a different example though. There's a different friend. She is a stay-at-home mom. She walked away from her career. She had a really good career. Walked away from it.

56:37Dawn G.:She stays home with her five kids. She homeschools them. I could never. I love her. I could never. She is unapologetically her. Unapologetically. She does not have time to go to the gym. She doesn't go to the gym. She's fine with that. She does things her way. And the only difference, again, between her and some other people that I know that feel like they're just drowning and drowning and drowning in shame, and they just feel like they're dredging on, myself included, is that that woman knows that this is exactly what she wants to do. She doesn't even think twice about it. She would never do it.

57:20Dawn G.:She would never do the other, and neither would the woman with the career. Now, these are just career things, okay? But it applies to everything. It applies to everything. Does it light you up to cook from scratch? No? Fuck it. Let it go. Let it go. These women, they parent imperfectly. They live imperfectly. They are not juggling every single ball. They are juggling the ones that are important to them. They take up space. They tell the truth. They are true to themselves and they don't perform all the time. And that is the shift I'm trying to make in my own life from how do I do all of this and all of it perfectly to how do I actually want to live?

57:59Dawn G.:Because those Those are not the same question. So you are not behind. You're carrying too much. And that's very, very different. And maybe your life doesn't need better optimization. Maybe your life needs more choosiness, choosing what is important to you. Maybe your life needs more softness, more support, more honesty, more realistic expectations, more rest, more humanity, because you were never supposed to do all of this. You were only supposed to do the parts that you can do without burning out. The rest, we've got to lower our standards. We've got to let it go. I want to hear from each and every one of you on how this resonated with you.

58:50Dawn G.:Please leave a comment, leave a review, because I feel like this shift is happening. We've got to spread it. We've got to let it show up on social media. We've got to let people start to show the things that they think they're falling behind at so that we can all collectively learn to prioritize what is most important to us and then let the rest of the shit go. Ooh, okay. That's all I have for you today. I love you. and maybe if you have a partner, have him do bedtime tonight. Him or her. Or they. If you have grandma, have grandma come over and do bedtime. You deserve a break. That's what I'm trying to say right now.

59:32Dawn G.:And if you can't, then take a bath after bedtime, okay? I love you besties. I'll see you next week.

1:00:06Annie Tschiche:Thank you.