We’re Not Just Raising Boys - We’re Shaping Men: 10 Actions to Start Today

0:00Big Little Feelings:The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Okay, besties. Today, it's me, Dina. Kristen actually has a killer migraine, and she is like throwing up at home, to be honest. So she is out for the count, friends, and I'm so excited to spend time with you. I just came fresh off of mom duty. I made a meatloaf for dinner, which by the way, like meatloaf is so good. I forgot about it for I think a few years, and then randomly I was like, wait a minute, I used to love this. And I made one like, holy shit. So good. In case you forgot, definitely make a meatloaf soon, which I think we need a better word for it because that sounds really gross.

0:41Secondly, I was just watching a little bit of Love is Blind to unwind a little bit from my day. And my God, related to today's topic, those men, those men are why we're having this conversation today. But as I was watching this episode, they were doing some laundry. And Emma was like, oh, you sort your colors, right, to do your laundry. And he was like, of course I do. And then they both concluded that only serial killers don't sort colors for laundry. And I had a moment. I had a moment where I was like, oh, no, that's me. I know. I'm really specific about so many things in life. Like I am the person who, when my husband loads the dishwasher, I will literally go reload the entire thing so that it is just perfect and uses all the space as effectively as possible.

1:31But shockingly, I don't sort colors for laundry and I pretty much never have. I used to at one point. And then you know what I realized? Nothing bad happens. I have literally never once had colors run into the others or clothes get ruined. I feel like that's maybe a thing. So don't take my word on it. It probably can happen with new clothes. I've never had anything bad happen. And this is one of the areas of my life where I'm like, you know what? If nothing bad is going to happen, I'm going to save myself some time and energy. It is all going in in the same load. And maybe I'm a serial killer.

2:05I'm not, but you know what I mean? Anyways, love is blind. Definitely need to be raising better men in this world. So let's just dive into today's topic together.

2:18Big Little Feelings:Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. the thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be.

2:57Big Little Feelings:This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud, and we're so glad that you're here. Okay, besties, like I said, I am raising three boys. Right now, they are five, four, and five months old. And sometimes I'm watching my older ones, you know, they're like wrestling on the floor. They're crying over a broken Lego tower. They're yelling, watch me for the thousandth time. and I feel this really deep awareness that these little boys are going to be growing into men. They're going to be out in the world in relationships one day. And like I said, we are living in a time where that matters maybe more than ever.

3:39And finally, we're having these real conversations about what it means to be a man in the world and about the real things that go with it about harm, about empathy gaps and entitlement and emotional suppression. All these things are finally coming to light. And how do you raise a good man? Not a nice boy, not a compliant kid, but a man who is emotionally safe, who is accountable, empathic, regulated, respectful, and ultimately secure in himself. And the science on this is really, really clear. Those traits are not going to just appear when they're grownups. We have to build them. We have to build them now in childhood.

4:21So first, let's talk about boys specifically for a minute. Are they different than girls? Because I hear a lot of this conversation out and about in the world, in the parenting world. And here's the thing. Boys and girls are far more similar than different emotionally. We don't always treat them that way. And we're going to get into that because that is really important. But there are some very real biological and social differences that matter when it comes to parenting. For example, let's zoom in on testosterone and activity. So even in early childhood, boys have slightly higher baseline testosterone levels.

4:56And that can be associated with higher activity levels and more physical play and more rough and tumble behavior. I know the boy moms are nodding their heads. Yep. And hey, little girls can be like that too, especially when we're not trying to over control our kids and we let our kids explore and be kids, which is an amazing thing. It's important to know, though, that rough play is an aggression. It's honestly, to some degree, it's regulation practice for these little boys. And the research shows that rough and tumble play can actually help build self-control and social boundaries and emotional regulation.

5:30So when your little boys are wrestling and crashing and tackling each other. It's not something bad. It's actually quite developmental. But now let's double tap on that emotional difference piece, because studies do show that boys and girls experience similar emotional intensity. But the key thing here is boys receive different responses. They get less comfort for sadness, and they get more tolerance for anger, more discouragement of vulnerability. So differences in adult men's emotional expression are largely, largely socialized, not innate. And that means that parenting, you and me, matters enormously here in the outcomes and how we're shaping their sense of self, how we're shaping their emotional bandwidth, their emotional awareness and their coping skills.

6:22What I'm saying is you and I have a responsibility to make sure that little boys are getting the emotional skills they actually need for the rest of their lives. I'm going to cover a bunch of really concrete tools that we can start using today with your little boys. We're going to do quick hits, keep it interesting, keep it moving. And basically, I want this to feel so practical. Let's kick it off with this idea of emotional literacy. A lot of men, when you ask them about their childhood, they got the whole boys don't cry thing. Boys are strong. Anger was more okay to express than any other sadness or fear.

6:55So we're flipping that around because the science is pretty clear. That doesn't help. What we actually want to teach is, yeah, you can cry. And yes, you can be hurt. And yes, you can be scared. These are all natural and important, healthy, healthy feelings that need to be expressed. And when you look at the actual research, again, of socializing our boys, parents use fewer emotional words with their boys than their girls. Boys are way more likely to hear things like stop crying or shake it off and keep going. But when you're able to get in there with them and regulate and coach them through their emotions, you know what you get?

7:31Better regulation, lower aggression, hello, and stronger, healthier relationships over time. So let's teach our little boys about their feelings and also that it's okay to feel the whole range of feelings. It does not make you weak. If anything, the research is clear. It lowers violence risk. It brings better mental health outcomes and better partner outcomes. So all in all, just know teaching your little boys about their feelings and how to express them doesn't reduce masculinity. It actually deepens their humanity and makes it more likely that they're going to be healthier in relationships later.

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12:51That's P-I-Q-U-E life.com slash BLF. That one might have felt really kind of clear because I feel like finally society is catching up and starting to teach our boys about that one. Here's one that's a little out of the box, but I think it's really important that we teach little boys about periods early. This one matters really deeply to me. I'm someone who suffers from endometriosis. My periods are horrible and excruciating. But even on the best day, women and hormones, it is a rollercoaster ride. And periods, you're kind of a different person for a few days out of the month. You are not firing like you usually do.

13:34You do not feel great. And at the very least, you're inconvenienced in a lot of ways. For me personally, my boys will grow up understanding that menstruation that cycles and periods are normal human biology. It is not a mystery. It is not disgusting or taboo. This is normal body stuff. So how do I actually do this? I have conversations with them about it. When they were really, really little, we just called it mama blood. I know that may sound weird to you, but it made sense to a toddler brain because it's so direct and straightforward. word. And yeah, they're around me all the time. They see what's going on.

14:14I taught them about tampons. I taught them about pads. And I explained it that mama blood happens because inside my body, there is a home for babies. It's a home that you grew up in. And that's amazing. And so when there's no baby in my body for that month, my body gets rid of that home in there and clears it all out, which comes out with blood so it can build a new little home in case a baby comes in there next month so it has a fresh home. My husband and I have also explained during those days of my cycle where I'm slower and I need to rest more, we explain it to the boys. Mama has her period.

14:55Mama has to rest more. So daddy's more available for you. He's going to help you more while mommy takes it easy because I want them to know that in their families, that is normal. And I want them to experience early on, that men fill in the gaps. A real partner is going to show up for their partner in the times when they are not 100%. And that is how a healthy relationship works. Let me tell you, if you've been here long enough, you already know this. My husband and I have had to work so hard on that part of our relationship, partly because he did not experience that growing up. He experienced the more typical thing that moms just push through.

15:35Moms give everything. Moms go until they break. And that is not how I want to raise my boys. But aside from that, all the science shows that boys' early exposure to menstruation education predicts less stigma, more supportive partner behavior, like I just mentioned, and healthier gender attitudes. And why this matters so deeply is that many, many girls experience shame about periods, partly because boys are taught to ignore it or to laugh at it. I'm sure so many of you listening right now are probably having flashbacks to high school and the embarrassing moments. I know I did. I remember the first time I had mine at school, I literally had white jeans on, which like I can't even imagine wearing jeans now, but I had white jeans and I was so embarrassed that day.

16:24It was honestly traumatizing. And I wish we'd lived in a world where boys were socialized about periods earlier. And so were girls to know that women's bodies are not gross. This is very, very healthy and beautiful. Honestly, my boys come up and they rub my belly often and they say this was my home. And it literally brings tears to my eyes because yes, how fucking magical is that? And that is what we need to teach our kids early on. Let's move on to another big, big one, especially in the context of little boys being physical and being playful and wrestling each other all the time. Consent and bodily autonomy.

17:05This is one of the most important tools that we can give our boys early in their lives. So I've started consent education in toddlerhood. We ask before touching. We ask before we hug each other. We stop when someone says stop. Because the thing is, with little kids, boundary respect develops really early. And kids who are taught consent early on show better boundary awareness and less coercive behavior over time. The bottom line is other bodies are never, ever yours to control. Only you live in your body and somebody else lives in their body and they know what's best and they know what they feel.

17:44And the most important thing, because kids are going to play and they're going to wrestle and they're going to rough tumble with each other. when somebody says stop, we put our hands up and we stop right away. So this is one of those important things early on where when we talk about boundaries, we are not just talking about words. We're also talking about actions. From the get-go, we've repeated this often. When someone says stop, we put our hands up, we stop right away. Then this is the next part. We help everyone follow through because this is not optional. So when I hear it, I will literally echo it out loud like a megaphone, I heard him say, stop, hands up right away.

18:23That way, in case they can't remember themselves in that moment while they're playing, it's right there for them. It is top of mind. Here's your reminder. This is what we do, and it's not optional. Then if they are not stopping, I do not sit and beg 10 times, which is an instinct I think we all have is to be like, hey, stop. I heard stop, stop, stop, stop. And now we're begging. So instead, we calm, confidently step in when they're little. You know what? I heard him say, stop. I'm going to help you come off him. We're going to take space from each other. He said, stop. And when someone says stop, we stop.

18:58This is bodily autonomy and it matters. What it also means is that we're going to be modeling it in our own wrestling with them because, yes, we all love to tickle and wrestle our kids. one, ask them if it's okay with them beforehand. Model that. That's consent. And two, when they say stop, make it dramatic. Make it exaggerated so that they see how this works. I heard you say stop. I'm going to stop right away. And by the way, consent can come in all shapes and forms. Think about when you're seeing grandma, right? You can literally practice it then. Do you want to give grandma a hug. Oh, you don't.

19:35Okay. Let's wave. Hello. Let's wave goodbye. Let's blow her a kiss. This is consent. This is letting your kid be in charge of their body and helping them understand that they're no matters. We're not going to be pressured into having to give a hug. Like a lot of us were, we're going to use this as an opportunity. And I know this feels so small and so silly to hear in some ways of like, Oh my God, like you're not going to make them give a hug. that's ridiculous. But listen, I would hope grandma is an adult who can understand that being waved to or being said goodbye is a perfectly fine and loving way to say it as we're practicing being in charge of your own body, because this is the stuff that's going to change how they behave in college when they're in that situation all by themselves.

20:22And someone says no or stop and they actually stop. It starts with us right now. OK, let's move on to another one that I have been teaching my boys super, super early. And this is a really 2026 modern thing, which I'm super proud of. And again, something my husband has had to catch up on in his adult life, giving your boys housework skills. So what does it actually look like? A good handful of days while I'm cooking, I will give them a little cutting board and a kid safe knife, and I will have them cut the avocados, the strawberries, the zucchini, you know, whatever their little plastic knife can actually cut through.

20:59That's their job. They help with cooking, which by the way, is not only great for giving them actual skills for the rest of life. Like imagine when they're older and they can actually go cook themselves something and cook for their family. But another added benefit is if you have a picky eater, this is like one of the number one things you can do is get them involved with food prep because all the research shows the more they're involved with touching the food, preparing the food, the more likely they are to try the food and eat the food because now they're more comfortable with it. So that's a little hack to integrate into your life.

21:32And by the way, do I have them doing this every single day with me? No, I don't. Because real life is sometimes I'm tired and I don't want to deal with little kids making a mess or things going slower. Sometimes I just got to get stuff done, you know. But some days I have that bandwidth. And those are the days where I really want to teach them how to cook and have a real life skill. The other half of the days, they're probably watching TV while I cook. Another thing I've had them do since they were little, they help with laundry. They load that laundry machine with me. They turn it on when we're folding.

22:03They have these little indoor bikes that they love and they stack up their laundry and they go deliver it back to their drawers, which by the way, they're better at me than putting the laundry away. That is like one of the hardest things for me is putting the damn laundry away. They're better at it than I am. Thank God. I'm the kind of person who's just going to pick through the pile of clean clothes that's still above the laundry machine. They also help with vacuuming around our house. They help wipe the counters. They help load and unload our dishwasher some days. Not all days. That's not real life.

22:37But the point is getting them involved early, giving them that age appropriate involvement and control and collaboration makes them feel like this is part of normal life. This is just part of being in a family. And then the part where we level it up, they see their dad doing all this, which I feel damn proud about because he did not see his father do any of this stuff. Not a single thing. OK, so this is brand new. This is hard work. And this is rewiring and building new skills in real time. But when your little boys see another man doing these things in the house, that impacts them greatly. it shapes your idea of what a man's role is.

23:21What a strong man that you admire, how he takes care of a family. And again, we had to go to tons of couples therapy to get to this point. And I'm so happy we did because it's worth it. It could have been free, right? It could have just been him jumping in and doing the things, but it took us a lot of work. And I'm hoping that we can skip that step from my boys in the future when they're in their own family. Let's jump to another big, big one when it comes to raising boys. Anger is allowed. Harm is not. So in our society, boys often learn that sadness means you're weak, but anger is allowed. It is so much more socially acceptable for guys to be angry.

24:02And you see it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. We see it in our politics. We see it in our homes. And that is something that does not need to continue. you. The world would be a better place without this one. So how do we teach our little boys that anger is okay? The feeling is okay. And it's all about how we let it out in safe, constructive ways. That is something that we teach them. It is okay to feel angry. It is okay to feel upset or disappointed or sad. We don't hurt people. And that means it goes beyond the words, right? We're stepping in with boundaries. We're keeping the siblings safe.

24:41We're not letting it be optional that they hurt each other. And we do the other important thing, which is we actually teach and practice how to release the anger safely once they've calmed down, once their brain is able to take in that new information. Little kids are new to this whole life thing. They're going to be going through feelings and situations that are confusing and overwhelming. You are an adult. You have the life perspective, the experience and the skills to be able to coach them through these hard moments and teach them what they can actually do. Right. What does it sound like? It sounds like assertiveness.

25:19It sounds like teaching them to share their needs. I need some space. I said, stop. No, I don't like that. Oh, and put this example back with sharing what they need. I want to turn. It sounds like regulation skills and learning how to calm down safely. We can take a deep breath. We can count to four slowly. We can say, I'm feeling mad. We can ask for help. Get a teacher, get a grown-up if you need help. If someone's not listening to you or stopping when you say stop, you can run, jump, stomp, roar like a lion, let it out that way. These are all safe ways to let your mad feelings out because mad is healthy.