We’re Parenting Too Much, And It’s Backfiring. What We’re Bringing Back from 90’s Parenting

27:06It's the trusted backyard. It feels like a children's Disneyland because it's just like rocks and dirt and shit. There's a parent home. There's a parent present. The parent is not outside. The parent is not dictating every single little thing they're doing or being like, hey, don't do that. No, they've got total freedom down there to do whatever they want. They feel like they're totally on their own, but there's an adult on site. Yeah, because the reality was I did not have that part. And I was abused physically and sexually by the boy next door, which was horrible. Thank you. I've gone through lots of therapy to work through that.

27:39I think too, part of, you know, someone who has gone through that part of my journey and being a parent now is also not projecting this onto my kids. So it really is. It's so nuanced. It is so nuanced. It's a happy medium. Yeah. On to our next one, friends. And this one's interesting. This one's something we can actually start today. And there's a ton of science behind it, which is just fewer toys. What a relief. So the research shows that having fewer toys actually creates longer play episodes and deeper engagement with the toys. So more creativity, more imagination, and longer playing, which we can all get down with.

28:23I'm just hearing that I'm allowed to take out my trash bags right now and fluff them open. like I'm getting a surge of dopamine right now yes love getting rid of shit nothing fires me up and I am a hundred percent with you like you get those base toys you know what they are in your home it's different for everybody by the way but it's like mega tiles that those things 10 years old like all the way from one to 10 years old magna tiles for one of my kids it's like little figurines and the other kids won't even touch little figurines but she loves those so you get what? 10, 20 of those. The other kid loves arts and crafts.

29:01And like, that's it. You know what I mean? Just pare it down to the things that they're actually using over and over and over again. Bye for the rest. Yes, girl. Yes. Freedom. Yeah. I love it. I'm in. The next one on our list is less scheduled childhoods. So in the 90s, we did have more downtime between activities. Most of us, some of us were still like jam packed. I know there was a period of time still even for me. Kristen's shaking her head. She's like, no, girl, not me either. That was not my 90s. I didn't have a 90s childhood. So, you know. But in today's world, overscheduling is a real thing.

29:35And it's linked to stress markers and reduced intrinsic motivation with our kids. So basically, takeaway, free time builds internal drive. And free time is great for our kids. We can actually bring in more of it. And I think it's easy to get caught up as a parent in today's world to just do more, more, more, more, more, feeling like we're giving them everything we didn't have. and we're doing the best for them, but also their little brains just need some chill time. Dina, I'm so glad we're here. I'm going to take over the rest of this podcast because I need your advice as a child therapist. I'm not ready to be flexible with what I had to do, but go ahead.

30:09I'm kidding. We're not going to take over the entire episode, but it does have to do with this. Okay. Okay. So I have always been a non-scheduled to the max person and family. Okay. Like no afterschool activities, really just like relaxation, being outside, yada, yada, yada. When they got into elementary school, it's like they have, you know, a little enrichment that's attached to their school, you know, a little 45 minute art class after. Great. Wonderful. I am going to be honest with you this calendar year since moving here. My kids are older. They're nine and seven. And they are really into the thing that they are into.

30:52Like they're begging for it. They're dying for it. They want to do this thing for the rest of their life, like acting class and doing it forever. And so I am very suddenly, no joke, very suddenly this past year, the calendar is out of control. Like I'm saying after school until like 7.30 p.m., 8 p.m. It is just like which kid is going to which activity and some of the activities are like three hours long and they're intensives. What am I doing? Is that okay? I'm only doing it because they're begging to do it. Listen, I'm happy we're talking about this because if they're begging to do it, I think you go with that.

31:31Okay. What I'm talking about is the pressure sometimes we feel as parents to keep them busy because we feel like, okay, no, you've got to do soccer on Tuesdays and then you got to do karate on Wednesday because I got to, you know, nurture you, give you the skills, the experiences. And then our kids burn out. So I think because like everybody else does it is what I used to feel pressure over. It was like, well, everybody else is in soccer and little league and t-ball and they're three and whatever. And then I think you got to tune into your kids too. You got to be looking for signs of burnout, looking for, are they able to handle this?

32:04Is this too much for them? And now they're melting down all the time. They're saying they don't want to go. They're crying. There are signs that we can look for with our kids and then maybe make those sometimes what feels like a brave change to actually give them more downtime so that they can reset. Their nervous system is not overstressed and in burnout. Okay. This is helpful because I check in with them all the time too, where I'm like, how is this feeling? Like next semester, maybe we want to take a break. So, all right. Great. Anybody listening, I know it's really hard to navigate, especially as they get older, because it's like, I will be a soccer player.

32:43That's my whole dream. And you just want to do what's right. But I also don't want to burn them out. A hundred percent. And Kristen, let's do an episode one day soon on sports. How do you handle sports? I have so much to say. So much. So much. Oh, you know what? There's a guest. I found us a guest, Dina. A really good guest. I'll share after. He's great. I'm excited. But moving on on our list, the next thing that we could bring back from the 90s because it has some benefits is mixed age play. So again, in the 90s, there was like that neighborhood little gang that went together, good and bad, like I said.

33:22But research does show that mixed age groups playing together increases perspective taking and leadership and cooperation together. Because what ends up happening is the younger kids scaffold up because they're around the big kids who can do a little bit more than them. So they're seeing they're like stretching their little skill limits. And then those older kids are actually practicing being a teacher, being a leader. So there's definitely benefits to that. I'm the biggest fan of this. I can't even tell you how big of a fan I am. We've always done this. And in our neighborhood right now, there's just kids of all ages.

33:57And my kids used to be, they used to be the little ones. And the cute older neighbor girls would come and she'd be so excited. And they would play for like hours. And now my girls are the older girls. And they invite, you know, their little, the little friends, the little TKers in our neighborhood. It's, it's so good for them. I'm such a fan of this. Kristen, I think you're going to like the next one on our list. Real world responsibility. According to the 90s, we had chores. Most of us had chores. And there is research that shows that kids who do chores become more competent adults with better work ethics and self-efficacy because contribution actually activates belonging circuitry in your social brain networks.

34:44Nowadays, we have fewer expectations for our kids, just in general. And maybe a little takeaway here is we have them jump in and help with the family more. I don't know if it has to be in a rigid chore form, but I think of it more as family contributions. What about you? But you're a rigid-ass bitch. I'm rigid about the family contributions. they are not chores that they get paid for because there's also research that shows when you pay kids to do daily normal tasks that they're gonna have to do in a house one day anyways they actually lose that internal motivation they're like okay i'm not gonna do something unless you pay me like make it worth my time i'm glad you touched on that because the the how and the why matters and i've also been reading a lot about paying for chores and how it does not work.

35:35I mean, I'm like a prime adult example of that. You know, I was paid to do chores and guess what? It's not happening in my adulthood. I do love this and I'm super into it. And we are in a neurodivergent household. We have ADHD, we have autism, who chores and tasks. They are very hard in our home. And I'll be very honest, whether you are a neurotypical family or a neurodivergent family. I think the reason that we don't lean into this more, it's almost like a picture yourself at work. Okay. No matter where you are in your journey of working, you had a job at some point. It was so much easier to just do the shit yourself than to try to delegate it to somebody else that you know is going to fuck it up.

36:21It's going to take 10 times longer. It's going to make your life harder. And that's why we don't want to do it because it's like, do I really I'm so tired. I could just put the cereal bowl in the sink. And instead, I'm going to have to deal with some pushback and then I'm going to have to help them take it over and then they're going to kind of spill it. So maybe I should just do it really quick. And so one thing with the chores thing is you have to be consistent and you have to give them some grace and some leeway. But then by the time they are seven and nine years old, like they're on it. If you have like wired their brains where, OK, every time they are done eating their cereal, I am walking testament, they will put it in the sink because at this point, it's just become an auto response.

37:02So it is super worth it. I will say this is the hottest tip I could give anyone in modern parenting. We got this thing that's called a hearth calendar. Okay. It's one of those calendars that go on a wall that's digital. And I at first was just like, I don't need one more calendar that I'm not going to look at. That's not going to help anything. but what it has is it has little things that it can go based on the child right and so you can hit Junie and so Junie will hit her name and then it will be like morning and so in the morning it will not only say what they have to get through in the morning to get out to school which by god is a lifesaver so it goes like brush your teeth and then you hit the little button and something explodes of confetti okay they're getting that reward and then it says go brush your hair or whatever it is.

37:50So that alone is incredible. But then it also has chores and it does the same thing. So it's like feed the dogs is her am chore. She knows it. She pulls it up all on her own. She hits the little button, little confetti comes out. Game changer. Shout out to hearth. It's like, yeah, incredible. They are awesome. And that was not that was not even sponsored, by the way. That was not sponsored. I should mention that. It's literally like it takes all of the argument out of the chore work and it makes the kids actually feel empowered to do it on their own, which is the entire point of this episode is like independent, being a part of the family, taking control of your own shit.

38:27It's like a game changer. And if you have really, really little kids, like toddlers and stuff, I would say start really early. So this just becomes kind of baseline normal to them. Like I have my kids just put away the kids safe dishes, for example. That's their job. That is their one job. They go get it. They put it in the little drawer where they can reach it. So things like that. Or I have them bring forks and ketchup to the table. That was like an early one because if they drop it, it's not like a huge disaster. So little tiny things. Kids love to help. They love to feel important. So you can rock it from the start.

39:01I do until you get older just as a headstander. Oh, that's true. But then if you make it fun on an electronic screen, it's great. That's the bottom line. That's the bottom line. Kristen, you're going to like this next one. And you kind of touched on it. But another thing from the 90s, grownups were not always entertaining kids. The grownups were just kind of going about doing grownup stuff. And the kids were there doing their thing. We can bring more of that into our parenting these days because it does increase some independence and frustration tolerance when we exist in the house while the kids do their own thing.

39:38I do love this. And I think this is what also takes the place of so much screen time, to be fair. You know, like anytime I get into a bigger screen time rut, which is always around, you know, a new baby or sickness. So it's totally fine for anyone listening. I always think like the way back is to be able to exist in the same home as your child and not feel the constant need to entertain them either with yourself or with a screen. And it's so hard. But once you get into a rhythm or what I love to do is just put out different things. And I'm not talking a craft and I am not talking anything complex.

40:17I am saying like I will put different toys into the garage. OK. And it's like a little people house. I bring out the little people house. I bring out some axolotls. I bring out some little people people and like a bowl of water that can act as a pool. and that's outside on the balcony or something like that. Boom, done. They can go play on their own and I'm going to do what I'm going to continue doing. I'm going to be washing the dishes. I'm going to be doing laundry. If somebody has a problem, that's okay. I love this. I love this too. And I think there's lots of different ways to do it. And the very last one, friends, is freedom to solve kid problems.

40:57In the 90s, peer conflict was handled by the kids. Imagine that. Because all the science shows that unmediated peer conflict builds negotiation and emotional regulation and social problem-solving skills. So when adults over-intervene, we actually take away the autonomy and the competence perception of our kids. They think they are not capable of handling something because we are jumping in to fix it very fast without giving them a chance to go through it themselves and practice. Maybe mess up, learn from it, but do it themselves. And that's how they build skills. I actually love this one the most out of all the things that you have said Because I think somewhere along the line Gentle parenting quote-unquote got totally Annihilated into this weird thing where people thought it was like permissive parenting and also something where you have to like Swoop in and like fix everything and make sure they never get hurt and like nothing bad ever happens That's not what it is.

41:57And we also don't we don't consider ourselves gentle parenting, but whatever whatever you want to call it our generation, I think, has gone a little bit too far accidentally because they aren't really understanding kind of what people are really saying or there's just too many things online. I don't know. We want our child to fail. We want our child to face problems. We want our child to face hardships. That's what life is. Our job is to be the sturdy and loving and empathic person that they can come to in that storm. And what's so interesting, now that I have a tween, and I can see it in the tween years, I'm going to tell you something.

42:43When they are younger, it starts with you have a one and a half year old or a two year old, and they're building a tower, and everything in you, when it falls down, and they're crying hysterically, it's like, it's okay, it's okay, look, look, look, and you built the tower for them. They're so happy, because the tower is built again. My friend, we want them to feel that sadness, feel that frustration. God damn it, the tower fell over. And let's piece this together. When you're ready, I'm here for you. And we can rebuild that together. I know you can do it. Then it goes into the next stage. It goes into like the early sort of childhood.

43:22It's still the same kind of thing where you're just not swooping in and you're not fixing. It is absolutely bonkers bananas and against everything inside of my body. And I think most parents' bodies when you're a nine year old who has nine through like 12, all the way into teens, they come in, they slam a door behind them. They are screaming at you. They have attitude. And you find out that it's because a friend called them fat. They have a fat butt or whatever, something extremely hurtful. And everything in you and my husband, by the way, is just like, fuck Sawyer. We are never talking to Sawyer again.

44:02I'm calling her parents. That's somebody you're never talking to again. I'm going to tell you something. And you know what? There's something wrong with that girl. There's something wrong with her. There's something wrong with her parents. I'm going over there and then I'm talking to your teacher. Okay. You are an angel. And that's what I want to say. All right. And what's really hard and what is the best thing for them? Like you said, Dina, freedom to solve kid problems. Less is more. Less is more when they are two, when they are five and when they are nine. So every time that we're trying to like get more details and get more details and then what happened?

44:44And then what did she say? And we're inserting ourselves. We are doing them such a disservice than she comes home. Sawyer called my butt big. This is this is not a real example, by the way. So all my said my butt was big. Hmm. Hmm. That would really hurt, wouldn't it? Yeah. And then she blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, gosh. Hmm. How did it feel? you know that's you just kind of go like do less and by the end of it what we get to usually is she's like well if I'm being really honest I did say that and it's something else like because this didn't actually happen now that I'm thinking of it it's more like somebody took her her pencil bag out of her backpack right and by the end of the story if I stay out of it and I just go by the end of the story it will be like well if i'm really honest i did take her binder and i threw it over the fence and right there right there everybody wants to be like why would you do that why would you apologize and instead you go and she goes i think tomorrow i should probably go in and i should probably say sorry to sawyer and you're like holy shit they just solved it completely on their own they got to express everything they had to go through they expressed their feelings and they solved it.

46:02Do less and let them have the freedom to solve their own conflicts and their own problems. Such a practice. It is not easy to do. My God. But not only is it like you're saying where that is how they build their awareness and they build their skills. But God damn, is that the best feeling in the world? When you stick with something hard, you keep going and then you do it that feeling we don't want to rob our kids of that feeling and that experience and they've also come to a solution where even they have to make ownership and accountability on their end so it is so much easier for a child to learn about accountability and empathy when they can get there in their own conversation i swear to god it doesn't matter what kind of kid you have, if you can stay out of it and not go to a like, well, what did you do?

47:00Did you do something? And then they instantly get defensive. I swear to God, watching your child get to the end in an almost adult fashion of being like, oh man, I should probably go say sorry. And it started out of being like, I hate her. I'll never speak to her again. This is where like I get chills all over my body. And I'm like, first of all, holy shit, that works. I mean, I know this is like what you're supposed to do, but oh my God. And B, this is real skills. Like adults really have a hard time doing this on their own because they never were able to do this. It's incredible. So this is my favorite bullet point of yours, Dina.

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51:48The things that they really got wrong. We'll just do a little quickie on that. Number one on my list is emotional dismissal. The stop crying, you're fine. You're being dramatic. Okay. That's out the window. We know that doesn't work. Gone. Gone. Next up, fear-based discipline, spanking, threats that just wait until your dad gets home. That also doesn't work. It does not work short-term and it does not work long-term. And we know that aggression and fear leads to, bingo, more aggression and worse behavior. Done. Done. Shame-based motivation. The what's wrong with you and you should be embarrassed.

52:28Oh, God. I heard that one. Or the why can't you be like your brother. Shame does not build better behavior. Period. From experience, it builds like a lifetime of shame and people pleasing. Continue. That's right. Zero mental health awareness and zero awareness about emotions. The grown-ups were just new in their lives. They were thinking about themselves and you were just kind of there. They didn't really tune into your world. We know now that actually tuning into how your kid feels is so, so important for the foundational of their entire emotional well-being. So that is out. Next, ignoring neurodiversity.

53:07I mean, neurodivergence just was not a thing. Instead, you heard just try harder or sit still or focus. You need to focus. When in fact, neurodivergent kids, that message is not motivating. It is defeating. And that can actually lead to shame spirals that end up digging them so deep into problems. Done. Done. Done. You're out. Unsafe autonomy. So we had independence. But like we said, I mean, not only were there no helmets while we're riding bikes, that part, but there's also the safety issues that we talked about. The ones where I personally, for example, went through. Horrifying. That's gone.

53:46We need a little supervision, but not helicopter. This one I love, gender rigidity. That is out. You always grew up with the whole boys don't cry and be a nice girl. And that's not for you. That's pink. Boys don't like pink. That stuff is out the window. That's all made up. We know that all colors are for all kids. That's okay. And dolls are for boys. And trucks are for girls. And all toys are for everybody. That's right. We're raising humans now, not stereotypes. Okay, we're moving on from that. And probably the one on the list that needed to go the very most was no repair happening. Oh, God, they did not apologize in the 90s.

54:26If anything, the closest you got to an apology was like, well, sorry, if you would have acted better, I wouldn't have to yell at you like this. Hundred. Accurate. Out the window, repair is one of the best things you could possibly do for your kid. You do not need to be perfect. You just need to repair. And that's the beauty of this. So all in all, I think as parents, we can lower our own anxiety, maybe even do a little bit less. All right, Dina, I'm incredibly inspired by this list. I feel like I'm doing a lot of these. I kind of want to pull in more of these. Also, the one that I had the inkling about where I'm like, I'm turning my house into party zone.

55:08Hell yeah. That one is in effect. I'm going to hyper focus on that and circle back. This was an incredibly enlightening episode, Dina. Thank you for sharing it with us. You're welcome. It's from my heart. I know. I like I never would have thought about this. And now I'm just kind of obsessed a little bit. So besties, I hope you take what works for you. The few points where you're like, oh, yeah, like this sounds really nice. Let's do it. Let's talk about it. Tell us if you're doing any of these things. Tell us if it helps your household. And we love you so much. And I can't wait to see you next week.

55:44we've been talking a lot about what to leave in the 90s parenting wise and what to bring with us when it comes to parenting you know what parenting can be confusing i think it's the one thing in the entire world that you're not required to do a little bit of reading do a little bit of research what are the rules what are the best ways to do things what's the best way to optimize over here for the results that we are looking for it's the one thing in the world that we're just like all right, trust your instincts. Meanwhile, we're like, I want to not do everything my parents did, or at least quite a bit.

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57:26Thank you.