Why Doesn’t My Kid Listen? (And What to Do Instead of Yelling)

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12:33Dawn Friedman:we have all yelled. We've all lost it. That doesn't make you a bad parent. That makes you a parent who hit their limit and just be a normal human being because we've all done it.

12:42Megan Leahy:I've never yelled at my kids. Sorry.

12:48Dawn Friedman:I'm laughing because wow. Go ahead.

12:51Megan Leahy:Yeah. I mean, of course I've yelled at my kids and like, I don't know about you, Dina, but finding out the autism diagnosis and like kind of how I get to the yelling point because no parent wants to yell at their kids. So rather than being like, okay, like what's going on? Like, oh, they're doing this. So I get really upset and then I yell versus like, oh, like I'm overstimulated in this moment. There's multiple kids asking for different things. Two of them are yelling. One of them is whining or this whole combination of things. And then I'm just like, oh, that was it. Like, and then I'm just like too much.

13:24Megan Leahy:So I've been starting to identify like ways to cope with that in advance. And honestly, I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm doing real well on that journey.

13:32Dawn Friedman:I love that. Get ahead of the cacophony of chaos.

13:34Megan Leahy:That's the thing. And we can't react. We can't react. It has to be like super proactive for me at least.

13:40Dawn Friedman:And I do feel like you are triggered, if I may, by them not listening.

13:45Megan Leahy:One of the other huge triggers for me is when they just straight up don't listen or I perceive them to not listen. The kind of thing where you like say something one time, you know, they're not listening, get their attention. You say it again. They still don't hear you. And then you're just like, what is happening? Like, how are you? How are you just not listening to me right now? And that really feel like they're ignoring you on purpose. It feels like they're either too lost in the sauce or they're just ignoring me on purpose. Yeah.

14:12Dawn Friedman:And then your brain or our brain, honestly, because I get there too. Sometimes, sometimes I feel like this is a really big trigger for you. And then when I'm not in my best place, it's also a little bit of trigger. But our brain immediately goes to like, they're being disrespectful. They don't care. They're doing this to me. They're doing this on purpose, something like that. And here's what the research says. Most of the time, not listening isn't actually about disrespect. It's about dysregulation or distraction or straight up a brain that just isn't developmentally able to shift gears. You're not raising a little defiant monster.

14:49Dawn Friedman:You're raising a human whose brain is still under construction. And as a kid who had ADHD, by the way, I think we got to give kids a lot of grace because I will say one of our children may or may not have ADHD, doesn't present all the typical symptoms or signs. But sometimes when we get on our kids, especially this one that I'm thinking about, I'm like, God, I really needed a lot of grace when I was a kid. Think of how many times we're not listening. Think of how many times we forget something behind or the water bottle. Just so much grace, whether they have ADHD or not, because all of their brains are still developing.

15:26Dawn Friedman:All of their brains are still developing, let alone any of these kids that might have something like ADHD like I did. True. I really hate when people actually tell me what to do. It makes me instantly mad, but that's a different story. That's a different story. Same with Tyler. But our kids' brains are still developing. So it makes it extra hard for them to quote unquote listen. Think of it this way. If their brain is 25 % developed, if they're listening 25 % of the time, that makes sense.

15:54Megan Leahy:That's bonkers.

15:55Dawn Friedman:That is bonkers.

15:56Megan Leahy:And mine's twofold because number one, I forget their kids. And so I'm like, why aren't you listening? You should be respectfully listening. I would listen to you when you're talking. So I forget their kids. And number two is I struggle with feeling invisible and feeling unimportant. And that's a big one I'm working on. So I'm like, oh, I'm just not important enough to listen to.

16:17Dawn Friedman:I think that's wild. And I think that that really comes from your trauma as a child. So it's amazing that you're able to identify that because I think a lot of us just get triggered by certain things, but we don't really understand why. We're like, oh, the kid is bad. Oh, they're doing this on purpose. But you're actually taking the time to understand like, wait a minute, I'm an adult, I'm their parent, and yet I am feeling invisible or these things that I'm sort of projecting when in reality, they're just kids and there's fucking Pokemon on the screen. Of course, they're not listening, right?

16:49Dawn Friedman:Yeah, I wouldn't be listening either. Let's talk about brain science because this has so much to do with listening. Oh, let's get into it. So listening isn't just hearing a command and then following through. It's actually a set of complex neurological functions. So there's attention, processing, impulse control, task switching, and they're all so tied to that prefrontal cortex. That part of the brain is still immature in toddlers and preschoolers and in our kids. It is still developing till 25. So when we give a direction, especially when they're focused on something else they're playing they're engaged they honestly just don't want to switch gears and do something less fun especially they often literally can't shift attention yet not won't they can't and so when you're shouting put on your shoes paddle on your shoes put on your shoes like i do all the time and they just keep playing or literally sometimes they'll just glaze eyes glazed over or they'll just walk away.

17:49Dawn Friedman:It's not personal. It's brain development. Exactly. We call this the developmental mismatch. You're expecting adult level skills from a kid who is neurologically just not there yet. Okay. And let's be honest, yelling, it sometimes quote unquote works, right? I mean, you get the instant reaction. I've heard a lot lot of people say, that's the only way I can get my kids to listen. And I really don't have a choice. I don't necessarily want to be yelling all the time, but guys, it works. And so it's the only thing that gets my kids to like literally stop and put their shoes on or stop and not hit their sister.

18:31Dawn Friedman:But here's the thing, that reaction, that instant stopping and listening, that's the nervous system kicking into fight or flight. It's not actual learning or listening. Exactly.

18:44Megan Leahy:Sympathetic responses.

18:45Dawn Friedman:Hit that. Hit the window of tolerance. Hit them with another one. Oh. You got another one?

18:51Megan Leahy:Back to parasympathetic. I don't have another one. Synergy. Synergy.

18:55Dawn Friedman:Why don't Dina, let's let Dina. I'll jump in. I wish we had an expert here. Oh, God. It's really nice. Oh, my God. Okay, you're spot on because when we yell, our kid's brain, it reads that as danger. Okay, it is loud. It is aggressive. It feels threatening. And what happens is cortisol and adrenaline start to spike in their brain, in their body. And in that state, they're not absorbing any information. They are not processing. They are straight up surviving.

19:28Megan Leahy:Yeah, and it's like they go to the freeze and do whatever you're saying or just immediately comply. And that's where I think a lot of parents get into this mode of like, oh, yelling works, but it's not from a place of like them understanding what's going on and like, oh, this is why I should be doing it. It's like, oh, I don't want to get yelled at.

19:45Dawn Friedman:Exactly. And the yelling, I feel like not only does it sometimes feel like, oh, it works. You can feel like I don't have another choice. I've asked kindly three times and they didn't listen. And we'll get into what you can do there because there is another route you can go. but repeated yelling over time, it actually can lead to anxiety. It can lead to shame, your kid feeling like they're bad, they're the problem, they're broken. It can lead to emotional shutdown, shoving your feelings down, and then explosive pushback later on. And trust me, as they get older, that explosive pushback, the mirroring and copying what you do is very, very real in our house.

20:28Dawn Friedman:As the kid gets older, they sound exactly like the parent who yells. Oh, 100%. I have a story on this. Like we all yell, like we said, I've yelled. I'm a therapist. I know all the tools, all the research. I've yelled. That makes us feel better. Thank you, Dina. Yeah, 100%. And I remember when they were really little. So I had 202, right? They're tiny. I got overwhelmed. The baby's crying. And I literally looked at the baby and I was like, just stop crying for a second. And literally five minutes later, when my older one was upset, he yells, just stop crying. And I was like, there you go. If I'm yelling when I'm frustrated, of course they're going to yell when they're frustrated.

21:10Megan Leahy:We just had the episode about controversial, the risky parenting topics. Here's another one, and we're not even going to talk about it ever again. Spanking. Because they're going to mirror that behavior. So they're going to think, oh, I get hit if I do something wrong. I'm going to hit this kid if he does something wrong.

21:26Dawn Friedman:100%. Aggression leads to more aggression. And to be really vulnerable here, I got spanked when I was little. And I still, as a parent, when I'm really overwhelmed, when I'm really angry, I can feel that feeling like surging through my body. I don't spank. Thank God I've worked so hard on this. But the urge is horrifying. I hate it. And And it's something I've worked so hard to rewire.

21:49Megan Leahy:Yeah, it's that mirroring, man.

21:50Dawn Friedman:Yes. So bottom line, yelling or using sort of aggressive tactics, they might create short-term compliance, but it damages long-term connection. And connection is everything when it comes to true cooperation. So we're actually going to share five research-backed tools to build real listening skills so that there's actual true cooperation without having to yell. How awesome is that? Exactly. These aren't hacks. They're rooted in brain science and communication research and child development. So they work and they're very, very doable. Everything is doable on here because we don't have a lot of time.

22:25Dawn Friedman:We need things to work. Okay. Number one, connection before direction. Exactly. Before you speak, you're going to connect. You're going to say their name, get down to their eye level because that feels less threatening to their brain. You're a big adult. Okay. So when you get down to their level, it feels so much safer for their brain. You can gently touch their shoulders if they're down with that. Some kids love it. Some kids hate it. These physical cues can regulate the nervous system though and bring your kid's brain into a state where they can actually hear you. And let's just shut the haters down instantly.

23:04Dawn Friedman:And by haters, I mean like your mother-in-law's voice in the back of your head. Okay. This isn't coddling. All right. This isn't spoiling. This is science. So when we connect, we actually turn the brain on.

23:20Megan Leahy:Yeah. Like even if all of them are going off at the same time, all three of them, I try to go to like each one, get that connection first and be like, okay, like I hear you. I hear you. Like, and that's part of it too, is like acknowledging what's going on with them first. But when I'm able to do that, we can kind of get on the same page again. I can explain what I need from them, what they should be doing. I can get on the same page with them. I can explain why I need them to do whatever I'm telling them. And I can make sure that they are listening in that moment. And it usually works.

23:49Dawn Friedman:That's right. Okay. And this is very hard, by the way, when you have a lot of kids, just going to say that out loud.

23:53Megan Leahy:Hundy.

23:54Dawn Friedman:Real hard. Okay. Tip number two, say less, slower, and softer. Oh, yes. Research shows that when a kid is dysregulated or distracted, they process less. So when we rapid fire directions at them, their brain just short circuits.

24:13Megan Leahy:Yeah, mine does when that happens to me.

24:15Dawn Friedman:Yours actually really does. You really need to look. I'm just like, stop.

24:19Megan Leahy:I'm out of here.

24:19Dawn Friedman:Okay. So fewer words, a slower pace, a softer tone. I know that it feels counterintuitive because we're trying to get out the door. We're trying to go really fast. We need them to do this right now. But yelling floods their system. So if we actually want our kids to get going and do the things that we're trying to ask them to do, softness will actually regulate it and get their brains to be able to start doing what you say. And I will say this is really hard for me because I feel like I am going pretty slow. I actually am not quite a yeller. And so it's surprising to me when my kid actually can't listen and they are older.

24:59Dawn Friedman:They are eight years old. They're six years old. But really, at a certain point, my kid will turn to me and be like, mom, I just need, I need, you just said three different things. Like you told me to do my hair, get my shoes, and get my lunchbox. I can't do all that. And you can see her kind of flooding. I'm like, oh, right. You're not an adult. I can't tell you to do these three things and have that not completely overwhelm you. So go slower, go softer. Please brush your hair now. And that's it. Exactly. Oh, and for little toddlers, I love the fewer words one. Shoes on. Just keep it so simple and their brain can hear it better.

25:38Megan Leahy:I should try that. I've never tried that. My problem is, whether or not it's with our kids or with Kristen, I'm an energy matcher. I will match your energy. So if you're going up, guess who's getting on the elevator with you?

25:51Dawn Friedman:You're like, bitch, you want to go?

25:53Megan Leahy:I'm like, oh, we're doing this? Dude, I'm going to win this argument. I'm going to win an argument with a six-year-old.

25:59Dawn Friedman:With a two-year-old, even.

26:00Megan Leahy:I will tell you what's happening right now versus like, once again, I forget their kids and that their brain is not developed. Mine supposedly is. So I'm the one that needs to be like, all right, Slow it down. Slow it down. Their level, if I'm able to, or just get the situation back to a place of homeostasis before I can get into what we're trying to talk about.

26:25Dawn Friedman:It's co-regulation, baby. We're lending them our nervous system to regulate their nervous system.

26:31Megan Leahy:Don't mirror them. Let them mirror you.

26:33Dawn Friedman:Oh, can you write that down for yourself?

26:35Megan Leahy:Probably not.

26:36Dawn Friedman:I'm going to tattoo it on you later. I know. When I'm sleeping. I'm so impressed right now. Me with the tattoo. Wow. Okay, number three. Number three is, I like to call it, wait for it. So after you give a direction, just stop. Don't repeat it. Don't intervene.

26:55Megan Leahy:I don't know, man.

26:56Dawn Friedman:Just give it a pause so they can actually take it in. I'm going to blow your mind right now.

27:02Megan Leahy:Okay.

27:02Dawn Friedman:I actually saw this on Instagram the other day, but then I verified it with real research. And I actually haven't even tried this yet. either, but I was so impressed. Listen to this. Research shows that when you pause instead of jumping in, kids are significantly more likely to respond. One study found that simply waiting eight to 10 seconds can increase response rates by up to 40%. Give them a chance. We do not do that. And if you think about eight to 10 seconds, that's a really long time.

27:38Megan Leahy:I could get to school on time if I had that eight to 10 seconds. That would make me on time.

27:45Dawn Friedman:Maybe.

27:46Megan Leahy:Sorry, school.

27:47Dawn Friedman:But really, I feel like even I'm going to try this one. Because I'm the most patient person in the world. Honest to God, I think I might be. And I don't know that I really wait in between saying something. I just instantly think they haven't heard me. So I'll at least just say it again. I'm not yelling. I'm not screaming. I'm not doing it. But I'll say it again. Here's the thing. It's not about ignoring. It's about processing. So their brain just needs more time to shift and respond. And we can give them that time. And for the record, I think that you are that impatient with me. And I have ADHD and I'm also myself.

28:22Dawn Friedman:And sometimes I don't respond to you right away. And you're hard of hearing. And I'm hard of hearing. So it's real hard. And you get pretty upset. But it's not personal. I do want to hear you. I do want to listen to you. It does take me, even if I do hear something, it still does take me like 10 seconds to process something sometimes. It really does. I know, Dina, actually, you're the same way. Oh, yeah. That the auditory processing is quite difficult. So I think for our kids, we just have to have that same level of empathy and that it really is not about us. There's no personal attack when someone's trying, quote unquote, to not listen.

28:53Dawn Friedman:That's not what's happening. And like, we're full grown adults here talking about it. Allegedly. Your kid's brain is not developed yet. And that's the point. Our email inbox does not feel like we're adults. Okay, this is the point. We're like an eight year old managing our inbox. Sorry, Dina. This is where I'm leaving you. Okay. I'm going now. You have to go. Okay. Have a great therapy session. I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much. I have therapy later today. Oh my God. I'm so proud of you guys. Therapy Thursday. I think I'm with the kids later. I can't wait. Okay. Bye guys. Bye besties. I'll see you soon.

29:25Dawn Friedman:You're in great hands.

29:27Megan Leahy:Bye Dina.

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32:23Megan Leahy:like take it a completely different yeah like what do you want to talk about unfortunately i think you

32:27Dawn Friedman:would say like pokemon or something really weird that i mean obviously off the bat that would be

32:31Megan Leahy:my choice but i know that conversation would go nowhere we're not doing okay we're not doing that all right so number four it is right number four yeah life-changing tip number four is break it

32:42Dawn Friedman:down. Young kids can't juggle multiple step instructions. All right. So if you say put on your pajamas, brush your teeth, get your water and meet me in the room, this is kind of what I was talking about with the last one with even my eight year old, you've lost them at step one. And again, I think we know this, Tyler, for like one year olds and two year olds, you know, but we don't give the same grace for anything over that of being like, they can only process one step at a time.

33:13Megan Leahy:Yeah. I mean, cause we see our older ones there. They're able to do so much more than our like two, three, four year olds. Like you see them out there, they're at school, they're accomplishing shit all the time. And you're like, you got this socks, shoes, sweater, backpack, like you do this every day. So like, why is this difficult? So like that to me, like hearing this, that like having to have individual steps, like if that's what it takes to get them to actually do it, then you know what? That's probably what I should be doing. But it just, it kind of just really surprises me that it's, that it's like a brain thing that they can't do that.

33:45Dawn Friedman:I think it's surprising for all of us. Honestly, we just don't in the moment. We just need our kids to listen. We're not stopping and thinking through that their brains are still developing. I mean, even at 16 years old, even at 16 is still developing that they won't have these skills. Yeah.

33:59Megan Leahy:I've been warned a lot about the teenage years. So

34:03Dawn Friedman:That's a whole different podcast. We'll see.

34:06Megan Leahy:A lot of it seems to be coming back to like their brain's just not there yet. And we see so much from them. So we kind of like expect so much from them. Right.

34:15Dawn Friedman:So we need to be really clear and be the adults of giving specific directions going one by one by one. Otherwise, we're overloading their brain. And by the way, I know you've seen this everywhere. We've talked about it a hundred times, but charts are amazing. We don't do them in our house because we are not adult human beings like we've talked about.

34:35Megan Leahy:We need one for ourselves.

34:37Dawn Friedman:We really do, though. In ADHD and autistic households, that's pretty common, by the way. So we should get on that.

34:42Megan Leahy:We need a whiteboard. They would thrive with a whiteboard.

34:44Dawn Friedman:We need help. But really, this would take away a lot of these problems, by the way. If we're talking about getting out the door, it's a great way to use a chart. And you can do this in so many different ways. You can literally just write it even on a Post-it. and so it says socks and then it says shoes and then it says water bottle and then it says backpack and they get to rip it off as they go.

35:06Megan Leahy:Oh, we should do that because we do have post-its. We should do that. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

35:09Dawn Friedman:Oh, great. I love that.

35:11Megan Leahy:There's no school.

35:11Dawn Friedman:Okay. When we have camp.

35:13Megan Leahy:When we have camp. When we have camp, we can do it. Yeah.

35:15Dawn Friedman:So really it takes that sort of step-by-step-by-step thing and it takes the guesswork out of it. It takes you having to be the one to enforce it over and over again and makes it one by one. Number five, boundaries. Kids stop listening when they know that we don't mean what we say. So if we say it's time to turn the TV off and get our shoes on, it's time to turn the TV off and get our shoes on. And we, the adults need to help them finish all the steps of this process. when we say 20 to 30 times okay turn the tv off and get your shoes on okay turn your tv off and get your shoes on it's like white noise it doesn't matter anymore nothing is going in so we have to step in and turn the tv off and focus then on them and say okay time to put our shoes on yeah it goes

36:12Megan Leahy:back to like the do what you say say what you mean because i kind of was in that place where i wouldn't enforce those boundaries i'd be like okay like time to turn it off and then kind of give up a little bit when they would complain and like kind of go back and try to do it again and like the more you do that like the more the more you know so like i have shifted to giving proper warnings and then like when that time comes i do it and like it's gotten easier and easier and easier to now they're just like okay and this applies to more than just getting out the door

36:39Dawn Friedman:we're doing a lot of get out the door but it applies to pajamas it applies to bedtime that's why your bedtime is going until nine o 'clock at night because you're not meaning what you say when it says time to get your pajamas on and time to get into bed. But it's like the second time that you say that they need to go get their pajamas on. We're walking them into the room. We don't need to be yelling. We don't need to force them. But we're all going into the room and we're putting our pajamas on the first, second time that we say that. Otherwise, it turns into chaos. And then this is where we see the quote unquote, they're not listening.

37:09Dawn Friedman:But is it that they're not listening or is it that we don't mean what we say?

37:15Megan Leahy:Yeah, they're listening, but they know that they don't have to do anything because they've listened to you and then seen you not follow through.

37:21Dawn Friedman:They've listened to you 30 times. Of course, if you're a kid, I'm going to want to stay up later. I'm going to want to not go to school. I don't want to put my shoes on. So if you're not meaning what you're saying, they're not going to listen. But when you mean what you say, they will listen. They know that when you say the iPad is all done, you're going to put the iPad away. They know that when you say put your shoes on, you mean put your shoes on. They know that when you say put pajamas on, we put the pajamas on. And when it's time to leave the park, it's time to leave the park. Okay, so those are the five game-changing listening tips, especially number five.

37:53Dawn Friedman:Ooh, that one's going to change your life.

37:55Megan Leahy:Hate to say I love it, you know?

37:56Dawn Friedman:Hate to say it. Are you going to work on it for bedtime?

37:59Megan Leahy:I'm certainly going to try because I need that after bedtime time. You know what I'm saying?

38:04Dawn Friedman:I know. You complain every time that they get into bed late.

38:07Megan Leahy:Every time.

38:08Dawn Friedman:Every time.

38:08Megan Leahy:Every time. But whose fault is it? Not theirs.

38:11Dawn Friedman:That's right. Not theirs. Good job. So besties go forth and try these five incredible tools that are going to get your kids to listen to you back to neuroscience. Please report back because I want to hear how it goes. I'm telling you these tips are magic and they're so easy. Later on, you're going to be like, oh my God, why haven't I just been doing this all along?

38:33Megan Leahy:And I'm just trying to remember that listening is a skill, not something that's just innate in all humans.

38:38Dawn Friedman:And it's not something that you can force. It's something that you model. It's something that you support. And it's something that you teach over time, honestly.

38:47Megan Leahy:Besties, like the yelling, that doesn't make you a bad parent. It doesn't make you a monster. It makes you a parent that hit their limit. And then you kind of snapped. And it's okay. But now you've got tools to get better at it. I'm still working on all of these. So it's a learning experience.

39:02Dawn Friedman:We're going to do it all together. And you don't have to get it right every time, by the way. Okay. We've talked about this before, is you sort of need to do things, quote unquote, the right way 50 % of the time. That's our goal. We are not robots. We are not going to never yell when our kids are not listening. You just need to keep coming back, keep trying, keep yourself grounded. We're not here to raise obedient robots either. So they're not going to listen perfectly every time. You're not going to respond perfectly every time. Okay. We're here. We're human. We're in it with you. And we're going to do all these tips too.

39:36Yeah.

39:37Dawn Friedman:Okay. Tyler, we have fun questions today.

39:39Megan Leahy:Oh, hell yes. My favorite part. Listen, there's nothing I love more than a Q &A. And not just like on this, but like on your Instagram, on anybody's Instagram. Just like, and I never ask a question. You never ask a question. That's true. I have one time. You did? For this travel guy. Not for you guys. For this travel guy, Lee Abamonte. Shout out. Love you, man.

40:01Dawn Friedman:Okay. Love you.

40:01Megan Leahy:But it was like travel questions.

40:03Dawn Friedman:Oh.

40:03Megan Leahy:But like, I love reading Q &As.

40:06Dawn Friedman:Oh, you know what? You love more than that, though? because you said there's nothing you love more?

40:10Megan Leahy:Airplanes? Pokemon? No. Okay. What? What do I love more than anything?

40:18Dawn Friedman:Ads. You love reading ads.

40:21Megan Leahy:You guys have to let me record an ad on this podcast. We're going to let you.

40:26Dawn Friedman:He's been dying to read ads since day one.

40:31Megan Leahy:Since before you've had a podcast. Truly, truly. True that. I've been like, let me get on one of these ads. you have to let me record an ad and like whatever company it is like in advance like you better get on this train early because this is going to be spectacular you're going to get so much traction because they're just going to be like little earworms for you guys and you're gonna be like

40:52Dawn Friedman:i gotta go buy a bidet right now tushy i don't know i don't know what it's called i gotta go you are you are primed to read a bidet ad i hope we get a bidet i don't think that's what's happening but if you work for a bidet company email what is it info at big little feelings i'll do the first one free hello no we won't but i will personally do it on mine okay can we ask the question can we get to the question yes please okay this is a question for you tyler bp hype squad oh lay it on me okay this is from meredith hey girl meredith meredith wants to know So Tyler, I love your Instagram. A, where did you go?

41:39Dawn Friedman:And B, what is your favorite food? Because by the way, Tyler had a food Instagram for a little while.

41:45Megan Leahy:I did have a food Instagram.

41:46Dawn Friedman:Yeah.

41:47Megan Leahy:I had a huge hyper fixation on cooking food and sharing it. Yeah. Then I overwhelmed myself by it.

41:54Dawn Friedman:Yeah.

41:54Megan Leahy:Because I have like strong perfectionist tendencies. And I was just like, you know, what is it called? Like not second.

42:01Dawn Friedman:Like overthinking it.

42:03Megan Leahy:I was overthinking like every aspect of it. And I was just like, nope, can't do it. So I stopped doing it. It was a lot of fun. I'm still cooking up a storm at home. Sorry, I'm not sharing it if you were looking for it. But I am like working on something new that I'm going to be doing starting this summer. So that's really exciting.

42:18Dawn Friedman:It is exciting.

42:19Megan Leahy:And what's your favorite food? My favorite food.

42:21Dawn Friedman:It is really exciting.

42:22Megan Leahy:Oh man, my favorite food is Pad Krapow.

42:25Dawn Friedman:Oh, Thai food?

42:26Megan Leahy:Thai food. Do you want to explain what that is to the besties

42:28Dawn Friedman:that don't know?

42:29Megan Leahy:Yeah, it's a ground. I like it with pork. ground pork dish with Thai basil and chilies. And that's like it. Fish sauce.

42:37Dawn Friedman:Have you ever made it before?

42:39Megan Leahy:Oh, yeah. You have? Oh, yeah. You've had it. I've made it at home and it's bonkers.

42:43Dawn Friedman:You know what my favorite thing is that you make? Not that anybody's asking. We should. My podcast, when I have one by myself, is going to be called Not That Anybody's Asking.

42:55Megan Leahy:Nobody asked. No one asks me anything, but I just share it anyways. I love that.

42:59Dawn Friedman:my favorite thing that you make is glass noodle soup

43:01Megan Leahy:oh boy

43:02Dawn Friedman:you haven't made it in so long

43:04Megan Leahy:oh I need to make that like right now oh my god I would love for you to make that

43:10Dawn Friedman:glass noodle soup right now I mean you also make a great green curry if we're talking about Thai food specific the glass noodle soup

43:17Megan Leahy:love a good pot roast love a good roast chicken now we're just hungry do you want to get some lunch after this no

43:25Dawn Friedman:just me

43:25Megan Leahy:No, I'll come.

43:29Dawn Friedman:We're going to lunch, bitch.

43:31Megan Leahy:You have no say in this.

43:32Dawn Friedman:Break it to you. I'm your ride. Okay. Question number two. What are your plans for the summer? Summer seems so stressful as a parent and way different than it was when I was a kid. What are you guys doing? That's a great question.

43:47Megan Leahy:Who asked that question?

43:48Dawn Friedman:Oh, sorry. It was Mandy.

43:50Megan Leahy:Mandy. I don't know why. Was it Mandy Moore? Are you able to tell?

43:54Dawn Friedman:It's not. It's not Mandy Moore. I don't think it's Mandy. Okay. That's a good question. I don't think so.

43:58Megan Leahy:Mandy Moore, if you're listening, can you send us a question for the next podcast episode?

44:03Dawn Friedman:That's a nice thing to ask for. We don't even want more than that. That's all I want. Just a question. Probably not. We love Mandy. Who doesn't love Mandy Moore, by the way? Nobody doesn't love Mandy Moore. If there is a person like Mandy, if somebody has hurt you, I will hurt them. It's like Miss Rachel. Who on earth? Mandy Moore is Miss Rachel vibes.

44:22Megan Leahy:Same vibes.

44:23Dawn Friedman:Just angel on earth. Who could possibly have a bad thing to say about either one of them?

44:27Megan Leahy:Just so pleasant.

44:28Dawn Friedman:So pleasant. That's a great word to describe it. Both of us are so hungry right now. I feel like we can't even finish this podcast. Okay, Summer.

44:37Megan Leahy:Summer, I actually don't think it's different from when we were children. We're just looking at it from the other side. Because people warn you a lot about so much stuff in parenting. Nobody warns you about Summer.

44:48Dawn Friedman:No, I know.

44:49Megan Leahy:Summer as a parent sucks.

44:51Dawn Friedman:Dude, I feel so guilty saying that though. Like I really do because I want that ideal. What's the, what a word am I looking for? Idyllic, idyllic, idyllic.

45:04Megan Leahy:I like bucolic. It's the same. No, idyllic. Bucolic means idyllic.

45:10Dawn Friedman:I desperately want that. And I want to just like take them to the community pool, take them all these places. I'm just like lazy summer. I feel so fucking guilty that I work. I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty. I really want to have that time with them.

45:29Megan Leahy:Yeah, I think we get a lot of like unrealistic expectations set of what summer is going to look like. But first of all, you got these like just incredibly awkward camp hours. Yeah. Like who's going to camp from nine to noon? Like what are you supposed to do with that? What do you do with that? And then like, you know, you have to like get in line for them. And like a lot of them like sell out. and you're just like this mishmash of camps.

45:50Dawn Friedman:The process of signing up for camp is Coachella. It's Coachella. It's Coachella 15 years later. I don't know what Coachella is like anymore, but I've literally been training for this for all of my early 20s. Like when my mom said I was just wasting my life in my early 20s. No, I was actually setting myself up to sign up for summer camp.

46:05Megan Leahy:I'm surprised you don't have to wait outside the rec center like in line

46:08Dawn Friedman:for like 10 a.m. That's different. That was like olden days, but I've been primed for like the online virtual queue. You have like 10 of your friends who are like getting on. You're all in a text together. You're like communicating about it. Like what cohort are you in? Like we're doing the most for summer camp. I really, I do feel bad about it, honest to God, because I look forward to the summer. But then once we, and I set unrealistic expectations for myself because some parents do stay home and I want to be more like them. And so then I just think to myself, oh, I'll just completely rearrange my schedule.

46:42Dawn Friedman:I'll wake up at 5 a.m. and I'll work at night. then I get there and I'm like I'm just going to be a horrible parent if I do that yeah I feel like

46:51Megan Leahy:summer is just like a do the best you can survival mode I feel so guilty about that but like we still have so much fun but they can't just have like a perfect summer every day that they're not in school that's okay yeah you have to be okay with it Mandy Moore and

47:07Dawn Friedman:I bet Mandy feels the same way Mandy Moore for sure feels the same way a working mama I know it will be okay and by the way big little feelings says summer fridays so I do feel and the camp well actually I don't want to say that and so we do have summer fridays and so I feel like hopefully I can have a nice summer friday with the kids and feel better about it and then be able to work four times and not feel total guilt over it that's so cool that your company does that like

47:34Megan Leahy:yeah every everybody should have a summer friday that's how happy everybody would be nobody's

47:39Dawn Friedman:working on a Friday, guys? No. By the time you get... Here's the thing.

47:43Megan Leahy:Monday, you're getting started. No work gets done. Tuesday...

47:46Dawn Friedman:That's not true at all. I get all of my work done on Monday. Tuesday, you might get a little done

47:49Megan Leahy:in the morning, more in the afternoon. Wednesday, you're really jumping into it. That's the opposite. Thursday, you're slowing down. Friday, no work's getting done on Friday. There's no work for anybody

47:58Dawn Friedman:no matter what your personality type is on a Friday.

48:00Megan Leahy:You're not working on Friday.

48:00Dawn Friedman:So let's just take it off and then you're feeling more restored by the time you get to Monday, you're ready to blast off. After I have three days off, duh, I feel incredible. and I'm like itching this is the thing though when you're home with your kids for three days it's amazing and it's awesome but then by Monday you're like itching to get back into the office so it's like a good strategy you're like ready to work you're excited alright besties that was our question portion I'm gonna go grab some Thai food with you

48:27Megan Leahy:I'm not making it right no we're gonna go eat it oh yeah

48:31Dawn Friedman:okay if this episode cracked something open for you send it to your partner your sister your group chat the mommy group that you're in, the daddy group that you're in, the non-binary parent group that you're in. The caregiver group. Oh my God. I know. I feel like we have to shout out caregivers,

48:47Megan Leahy:everybody, the grandmas, the aunts, the uncles, the uncles, and definitely the friend who just

48:53Dawn Friedman:said, my kid never listens, right? Like just send this episode because these tools will literally change your life and transform your parenting. And if you want to go deeper, check out our course, winning the toddler stage. It's the number one online behavioral course for tantrums, regulation, discipline. We walk you through it all. You can find that course at biglittlefeelings.com slash courses. And we love you. We see you. We're in this with you. You are doing the work of a generation. We're so damn proud of you. We'll see you next week, besties.

49:28Megan Leahy:And if you had a bidet company, this is where your ad would go right here in the outro. Thank you.

50:05Dawn Friedman:financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.