Why You Always Fight With Your Partner on Vacation (And How to Stop)

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0:40It means more to us than you even know. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

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1:28And now, besties, the episode I know you need this summer as we go into summer, because it's the episode I need going into summer. If you're leaving for a family vacation in the next few weeks or the next few months, I need you to listen to this episode. You're going to send this episode to your partner. You're going to put it on while you're packing. You're going to listen to this episode in the camp pickup lines, okay? Or listen to it while you're rage ordering extra sunscreen on Amazon the night before because it's a shit show and you never have sunscreen. And maybe that was just my life last night.

2:04But this episode might save your vacation. And this episode today is not about how to get your toddler to sleep in a hotel room, although Godspeed, I recommend a lot of swimming and wearing them out. It's not about tantrums. It's not about vacation meltdowns. I'm talking about something much bigger today. I'm talking about your marriage. Family vacations have historically been one of the biggest tension points in my relationship. And I am ashamed to admit that. I'm going to be very, very honest. I feel my whole body tensing up just admitting it. I want to really put out this show as if everything is perfect because that's what social media is.

2:47And I don't want to be admitting this and I hate it. But family vacations have been a tension point. It seems to always be when we bicker, when my husband and I are just bickering. And God, I hate it. But I guess it makes sense. It's the pressure. It's the planning. It's the packing, the overstimulation, the mental load, the thousands of invisible decisions that somehow end up living in one person's brain. And so for years, Tyler and I would leave for vacation just genuinely excited, right? We used to travel before kids all the time. It was how we connected. It was in our marriage vows. We were like the travel people.

3:27We thought we were going to be those people who had kids. And then we traveled to Bali and the Philippines and France. And here we are. And I hope we do someday. It hasn't been our journey yet. We still love traveling with the kids. But God, do we bicker? Like somehow we end up whisper fighting in airport security, wondering why we'd spend thousands of dollars just to argue in a prettier location almost every time. And I hate that. So we went to couples therapy because we wanted to really work on this and nip it in the bud. We did not want vacations for our children to be associated with mom and dad are fighting.

4:08For me growing up, that was the holidays. So the holidays, I associated with warm and fuzzy and gingerbread and cookies, but I also kind of associated it with like a lot of pressure and a lot of fighting. And I really don't want that for my kids. So today's episode, I'm going to teach you everything our couples therapists taught us. These are simple, tangible, real tools that you are going to implement before you leave for your trip and then during your trip so that you can start acting as a team rather than bickering the entire vacation. And this episode might just save not only your marriage, but your vacation that you paid thousands of dollars for.

4:53Before we start couples therapy together, besties, do you like that, by the way? I like how I'm just going to literally, literally share with you what the couple of therapists told us to do. Like, hot tip, here you go. They were kind of life-saving suggestions. But before we get into that, let's catch up. Let's catch up. Summer is here. We made it. I don't know how we all did it. I'm going to say these past few weeks, like, how do I have amnesia every single holiday season and also every June, you know, like every out of school season because this happens every year. And yet I forget. And I don't know if it's because my kids are getting older.

5:37And so then they actually have real activities. Like maybe when the baby was a baby, he wasn't like a person. No offense. You know, he didn't have a preschool. He didn't have graduation. He didn't have his own thing. So it was just two. Like maybe this year, I added a whole new family member to the juggle. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. I shared on Instagram about the beats. If you follow us there about the beats, that one sent me over the edge where, okay, end of the school year, we've got, you know, the graduations and the presentations and the performances and the Girl Scouts and All-Star Softball. I'm just going to keep saying softball, softball, softball.

6:14But then the craziest thing happened, like the craziest thing on earth happened. I was at the girls' school and the teacher comes up to me and not their main teacher, but a teacher comes up to me and is like, because I volunteer at their school sometimes. And the teacher is like, hi, I'm going to sign you up to bring 100 beats to this end of year event. And I'm like, excuse me. And she's actually, I don't say that at all. I go, oh, it's like 100 slices. Okay, not 100 beats, by the way. I thought it was 100 beats. And I, I almost died. 100 beat slices. And I'm like, that's interesting. She's like, do you have a mandolin?

6:54And I'm like, what is a mandolin? And she's like, don't worry about it. You're going to definitely need a mandolin, though, and bring 100 thinly sliced beets on this date. And I'm like, no problem. You got it. And the reason why is because she asked me in March and the event was at the end of May. And I was like, first of all, I'm not going to let this teacher down. Teachers deserve everything. You think this teacher wants to ask me for 100 beats, I am sure she does not want to ask anyone for 100 beat slices. The reason she has to corner me in the first place is because nobody else actually signed up for 100 beat slices.

7:32So she had to corner me to do it. So you think I'm going to like say no to this teacher who definitely doesn't want to be in this position anyways and is literally giving her life to my children? No, I'm not going to say no to her. And I'm also just like, you know what? I'm resourceful. Okay. between March and May. I'm going to figure this out. And if this were a movie, this is where the narrator would come in and say, she did not figure it out. Because here's the thing with ADHD. And for a very long time, I was undiagnosed ADHD, and I didn't know why I did this. But when you have ADHD, you will agree to anything, and you'll be kind of excited about it.

8:16And that is because we have no concept of time. So apparently for ADHD, there's right now and there's not right now, much like a toddler. And if it is something that is not literally, like if that teacher would have said to me, hey, today, by the end of the day, I need you to get a mandolin, slice 100 beats and bring it today. I'd be like, listen, I'm the wrong girl for this job. I would sit there. I would think through this, I'd be like, even if I have time, I mean, just with all due respect, I know you don't know me that well, but like, this isn't really a me kind of task. Like I wrong girl from the job.

8:57But because this wasn't the exact moment or the exact same day, I thought to myself, apparently, yeah, you know, by the time May rolls around, I'm probably going to be the type of person who one, knows what a mandolin is, and two, uses mandolins with ease, and three, is the type of person who just likes to cut up beets. Like truly, I think that was my logical thinking, was like, yeah, you know, I'm always wanting to be the person that cooks fresh from scratch. I'm a terrible cook, in case you don't know. And I have a plan. Like I have a plan, like I always do, that I'm going to be a master chef from raw vegetable type of chef person in two months flat.

9:44So you know what? This is not a problem for me. And dear listener, if this were a movie, the narrator would be coming on right now and the narrator would be saying it was a problem. She did not become a chef, obviously, and it did not work out because, of course, I am me. I don't like to cook. I don't know how to cook. I don't know how to slice vegetables, really. But I also still don't know what a fucking mandolin is. And for those of you who are like me and don't know what a mandolin is, you could Google it. Or I think it's something that like slices things very, very finely. And apparently you can also slice your finger off.

10:24So hashtag grateful that I didn't actually do this, spoiler alert, I'm going to get to the end here, it was not the job for me because I would have sliced my finger off. And by the way, this applies not only to this exact scenario, this applies to anything. This applies to dinner plans. This applies to play dates. This applies to agreeing to literally anything, a work thing, a social thing, anything that I agree to. if it is not today, I say, yes, no problem. Literally, there could be something already on my calendar. And I will say, yeah, no problem. A hair appointment. I will book it at the exact same time I have therapy.

11:03And I don't know why that is. I am just like, well, certainly by the time this rolls around next week or in a month, I will have figured it out. And I never figure it out. I used to wonder why I'm like that. But apparently it's ADHD and it's time blindness. So there's our explanation. The way that this ended up, dear listener, and you know how this ends up, my husband, VP Hype Squad, cut 100 beet slices for me by hand because I also did not order the mandolin like I should have. So he by hand cut 100 beet slices and he was so sweet. And this is why we are married and why I love him because when I told him about the 100 slices of beets on the day that they were due, he looked at me and he said, so what you're telling me is you signed me up to bring 100 beet slices.

12:05And I was like, yes, that is correct. And he's like, okay. So we went to the store. He bought the beets. He sliced the beets. He put them in a bag. He complained only when he was slicing them because it was, to be fair, very hard. And otherwise, he didn't give me shit over it. So God bless my husband. I don't know what I would do without him. Because this whole mandolin story, the exact opposite is what happens when my husband and I travel. There is no teamwork. There is no empathy. It is just like, we are off to the races, as our couples therapist says. So I'm going to tell you how we can stop fighting on vacation, stop bickering and start being a team.

12:46Besties, there's something you don't know about me, and that is that I am married to a candy monster. I don't know what it is about men, and I don't know if it's just my man. I have no idea. I like a little sweet thing every single day. That's something about me. And I don't need it to be huge. I don't need it to be fancy. And recently what I've been loving is Unreal Candy. I just have a dark chocolate peanut butter cup. Incredible. What I love about Unreal Candy is that they are using simple ingredients, way less sugar to deliver the craveable, mind-blowing taste that comes from real ingredients, not overly processed sugar.

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14:00They're providing that better-for-you taste can taste way, way better, and it does. You can also find Unreal products anywhere cravings hit, including Whole Foods, Target, Costco, and other grocery stores. As a special offer for our listeners, visit unrealsnacks.com slash BLF to get$2 off a bag of Unreal. Terms and conditions apply. Guess what I am doing this weekend, besties. I'm using Resort Pass to go to a pool with my children. What I learned is through Resort Pass, you can go to the hotel just for the day. You're not paying for an overnight stay. There's no membership fees, by the way. You just get access to luxury hotel pools, spas, by the way, cabanas, booked in under five minutes, starting at$25.

14:50What I do is I literally, often the same day, but sometimes the day before or in advance, I will just book a place that looks nice. There are reviews so I can see that it's like, oh, this place is good for kids. Oh, this is a good place if I just want to go solo. I book it. I go. I get to stay at the hotel the entire day. OK, I'm there until that sun goes down, my friend. I am sipping a pina colada. My children are splashing in the water. It is the best day ever. And then I go home and we run into bedtime. This is my secret sauce for the summer. Like this is going to be my go to every single weekend.

15:26I use it by myself or with some girlfriends. I will carve some time and go to the pool either by myself. Glorious. Usually I'll do the spa one, by the way, if it's by myself. Visit resortpass.com slash BLF to get$20 off your first booking of$100 or more. That's R-E-S-O-R-T-P-A-S-S dot com slash BLF for$20 off. Resort Pass. The day is yours. okay let's just get honest immediately because you know that's how i am i'm just gonna be real vulnerable tyler and i my husband have always been very gifted at vacationing seriously like i could be a professional vacationer my husband is literally a travel advisor.

16:20That's how much he loves to travel. He's obsessed with traveling. We used to travel all over the place. It was truly, we were like those effortless couples on vacation. Now, once we had kids, family vacations, I'm going to be very honest, have brought up some really, really, really hard moments. And I do feel like maybe I'm being a little bit dramatic right now. I do feel like it's common. I feel like it's almost everyone. I see so many reels on Instagram where it's like you pack up the whole car and pack up all the kids. And then it's like the husband and the wife are on the literal brink of divorce and just being like, why the fuck did we just do this?

17:04So let me just put it into perspective. We are not like screaming, slamming doors, you know, just borderline like the neighbors need to be called. No, I'm literally talking about bickering. But it's just it's nonstop bickering. And I hate it. And it happens every single time that we travel. And it makes sense. I mean, the amount of labor that goes into getting a family out the door is honestly Olympic level. You're not packing for a vacation. You're relocating an entire civilization. Like our entire household needs to be taken to this new location, especially when you have a baby involved. We are past that phase.

17:52Thank God. But who when you need like the pacifiers and the white noise and the things that if you don't bring them, you are literally fucked. It's a lot of pressure. Sure. And I used to really let this affect me so much because I used to think that there was something wrong with me and wrong with us. Definitely. I used to think that maybe we're incompatible and we've grown apart and we're not as loving with each other anymore because we used to just flourish on vacations. And maybe everybody else just knows something that we don't. But couples therapy completely reframed this for us. Travel wasn't creating problems.

18:38Travel with the pressure and the planning and the stimulation was magnifying patterns that already existed. Researchers who study couples and stress have found that external stressors, things like financial pressure, disrupted routines, sleep deprivation, increased responsibilities, significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Should I repeat those things? Think about vacation with kids, okay? Things like financial pressure, disrupted routines, sleep deprivation, increased responsibilities, significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Once I heard that, What? Everything just like I had the biggest exhale of my entire body, my soul, my spirit.

19:34Family vacations, they check every single one of those boxes. I mean, financial pressure. Hello, I am now paying for five of us and we're going to like some ridiculous place because the kids want it and it's not necessarily what we wanted. No, we're not going to Bali. No, we're not going to the Philippines. We're going to like Disneyland. And now Disneyland's my favorite place. But at first I was like, dude, we're spending how much to go do what? So financial pressure, check. Disrupted routines, check. Sleep deprivation, yeah. Increased responsibilities. That's the one for me. That's the one for me.

20:10It's not a vacation like it was before kids. And it's totally worth it. I think it is totally worth it, especially now that we have these tools from our couples therapist that I'm about to share with you. It's enjoyable. It's incredible, actually. I really look forward to vacations now after using the tools that I'm about to teach you. However, it doesn't get rid of those increased responsibilities. You have more responsibilities on vacation than you even do at home. Your kids are overstimulated. You're overstimulated. Everyone is sleeping differently. You're spending tons of money. And suddenly, all of your usual coping strategies go out the window.

20:52And your partner's usual coping strategies go out the window. So it's not the vacation reveals that your marriage is broken or something is wrong with your partner. It's that vacation reveals where your pressure points already exist. And here's where I'm going to say something specifically to moms, okay? Because I know so many of you are listening right now and thinking, okay, yeah, I explode and it's because I'm the one carrying all of it. And the reality is, is that often you are. And this isn't about husband bashing. We all know that I love my husband dearly. We all know that he actually does 50 plus percent of the physical load of being with the kids.

21:39I was trying to explain this the other day to somebody, by the way, and I was trying to explain the mental load and how it all falls on me and it all falls on moms. And that is just, gosh, you just, it's really hard to get out of that pattern. And we work hard to get out of that pattern. But again, like it always shifts back to me and then we have to go back. And as I was saying it, And then at the end, the person was like, okay, so, you know, maybe I'm trying to give helpful advice. And it was like, maybe you can ask him to take the kids for a couple extra hours. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

22:12I want to be really clear. Like, that's not a problem at all. Like, my husband is so hands-on with the kids. He can do anything with the kids. I don't have to. And they were saying, like, maybe, you know, let him make some meals or make him make some snacks. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. the physical load, he is 100 % in. I am just talking about the mental load. So this isn't about husband bashing. I love my husband. He is so involved. The mental load, it almost always falls on us moms. It is crushing sometimes. And so when you have a trip or a vacation, you have your usual mental load.

22:54You have your load from the workday, if you work in or out of the house. Then you have the load of the family. Then you have the load of the house. You're actually adding a whole new mental load on top of that. You can barely handle the load as it is, or at least I can't. And so then you're having the sudden mental load of the vacation, the packing, the sunscreen, who doesn't wear shorts? What size shorts do they wear? Are they going to have to wear pants because they don't wear? What about the medications? Do we have a thermometer? Where in God's name is the thermometer? Because we know the three-year-old brings it in the car sometimes in order to get him to school.

23:29Are there enough snacks for the airplane? What time are we leaving for the airport? I am anticipating everyone's needs before they even arise. And I am also the cruise director of our family vacations. And then I started to notice that even though I didn't want to, I wasn't choosing to, I was resenting my husband for not only not noticing how hard I was working, but also for not just stepping in and doing it. And to be fair, resentment is a terrible strategy. I get it because it's my go-to. I love it. But it's not a very helpful strategy is what I learned in couples therapy. For a very, very long time, I would tell myself, it's easier if I just do it myself.

24:22And then three days later, I'd be furious that I was doing everything myself. I would push it down and push it down and then I would explode. Anybody listening relate to that? Because that cycle is brutal. It's over-functioning followed by resenting over and over and over. And I think for a lot of women, vacations intensify this dynamic that's already there because we have this fantasy or this idea that vacation is what it used to be. And it's going to be this break from the invisible labor. And actually, the invisible labor often doubles. And I can honestly say sitting here that this is no longer our dynamic.

25:05It is possible to go on a trip with your whole family, kids in tow, and not bicker. What? If you would have told me this a couple years ago, I would have said, nah, you're fucking with me. Because like, it just was. It just was our biggest trigger in our marriage. But our couples therapist changed everything. And I'm going to teach you the tools that she taught us that genuinely changed everything. The first tool is called the vacation meeting. Before every major trip now, Tyler and I have what we call the vacation meeting. It's 20 minutes. And I'm going to tell you something. It is really hard to find 20 minutes.

25:49Okay. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep after the kids are asleep. Especially if it's before a trip, you're packing, you're doing everything last minute if you're like me, but 20 minutes to save your entire trip and have an amazing, magical, actually relaxing time, worth it. These 20 minutes honestly probably saved us from, I don't know, 30 to 50 to 100 fights, literally. Here's what we realized. We were preparing the itinerary, but we weren't preparing our relationship. And those are two very different things. So now we sit down and ask each other five questions. Question number one, What are you most excited about?

26:32This seems simple. You're probably going to want to close this episode at this point. You're like, this is bullshit. This is a waste of time. Stay with me. Stay with me. There is a reason based in neuroscience why we start with this question. This question reconnects you with why you're doing this in the first place. It reconnects you with your partner too. So normally you go into a family vacation and it's kind of all about the kids and you're kind of thinking about like the swimming, the this and the that. But when you are asking your partner what they are most excited about, it's a game changer.

27:16It is leading the trip with some focused attention on your partner and yourself, which often gets lost in the chaos of a family vacation. So for me, my answer still might be about something with the kids, right? It might be, I can't wait to see the kids experience something new, or I can't wait for them to see a sea turtle on our scuba diving, which why did I say scuba diving? I don't know, because we're not going scuba diving, but it could be something with the kids. I can't wait them to go down the water slide that they have no idea is at our hotel. Or it could be something without the kids.