Would You Let Your Kid Do This? Our Most Unfiltered Parenting Takes

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome back to After Bedtime. And today, we're playing a spicy little game called Would You Let Your Kid? Would you let your kid forget their homework and deal with the consequences? Would you let them eat candy for breakfast? Would you let them quit a sport halfway through the season? And let me just tell you, Kristen and I do not agree on all of these. And that's exactly why I feel like today's episode is exactly the conversation every single one of us parents needs to engage in in here. Because we are getting into why the exact same parenting decision can be completely right for one kid and completely wrong for another.

0:48Especially if you're raising neurodivergent kids. This episode is probably going to make you question a few parenting rules that you've been following on autopilot in the best way. And I know for a fact it's going to give you permission to stop asking yourself, what am I supposed to do? And start asking, what does my kid actually need? Besties, we're going all in on this episode, and I'm excited. Prepare to laugh, cry, and have a weight lifted from you. I promise. Let's dive in. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. the thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right.

1:32We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms, and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here.

2:07Dina, we are recording from afar today. I'm in the Dear Media studio and you're in your closet. My closet office. Are you in your closet office? Yeah, this is my closet office that I refurbished by hand. I like Daniel Tiger's mom. Literally, I got my every time I do anything in my home. And like I ordered a plant for my bedroom and it has sat in the box for four months because I can't open the box to put the to put the plant up. But like you built an office by hand, like design and everything and like wooden paneling, soundproofing, just with a drill, you know? Yes, a drill. That's right. Yeah, that's it's just so amazing to me.

3:02And I'm in awe of you. Thank you. I appreciate that. Hey, how do you feel about Daniel Tiger's mom also being Carl the collector's mom in terms of voice? What? Yeah. Had you not put that together? No. No, no, no. I don't put things together. I just, when I'm watching something, let alone I'm watching something with my children, the old noggin, this is the time for the brain to turn off. Like the brain, the brain is not there. Like I'm, if you hooked something up to me, I am flatlined. Like we're in a medically induced coma at this point. If there is something on the TV. Wow. So you don't watch all the episodes?

3:44Like I know every single episode. No. I watch them. No. Tyler does too. Like he'll start like quoting things and doing things. Like I could not, if someone put a gun to my head, I couldn't tell you what, like anything that just happened on a kid's show. Like I'm not there. This is my time to be asleep awake. That is so funny because I have little like inside jokes with my kids where I'll like quote from the show and they'll laugh. That is the nice part. I would like to hear from the besties. Like, what's the divide on this? I would love to know. That's so true. I mean, I do feel like most people probably watch it.

4:20Like, it's there. Really? So they would watch it. I feel like it's almost like a dissociation technique. Like, not, like, but I don't know. Not in a traumatic way. More in just a way of, like, I would like to just kind of not right now. This is my time. Yeah. This is my break. And I'm just going to kind of chill here for me. word i don't know i'm curious majority i don't think i am fascinating what are you gonna have for dinner tonight well i'm so glad that you asked me that i have no idea but i would love i'm gonna be at our hotel here in la that you're not at which makes me sad but it's also a full day so it's like i'm gonna just go hibernate anyways i think i'm gonna order our steaky our steaky our usual steaky room service here in la you know what i mean it's gonna be really Brussels sprouts.

5:11Yeah, it's going to be so good. It'll be so good. I miss those. I wish I was with you. I know me too. I do too. But I'm glad that we are able to be together here like over a Zoom in the studio. Me too. And did you know that when I wake up tomorrow, my baby is one. He's one years old. No. I'm freaking out a little bit. Shut the front door. No, he's our baby. It was just yesterday that I pushed him out in my bathtub right over here. You're like signaling to where the bathtub is right now. It's right there. I'm going to shut that down because I think he's like the collective last baby, you know, and so I can't, I personally will not accept that.

5:58I know. It's not right. No. I think until he's like outwardly four, he's just going to go ahead and be my baby. I know. Is that okay with you? The best part is we all call him Baby. And so when we say Baby, he responds. He's like, yes. And looks at us. Yeah. That is literally Junie's story, even though she's the middle. But we called her Baby for two and a half to three years. Like, I remember walking her into preschool and she couldn't. Like, they would be like, hi, Junie. And she did not know. Granted, I think she was two. And she did not know to respond to Junie because her name was Baby. I was just like, it's so fitting, you know?

6:40It's like, baby, come over here. It's so sweet. Hi, baby. It's so sweet. So we're going to make his go all the way until four is what I'm petitioning for. All right. Well, I feel better now. Is he your last baby, Dina? I don't know. I really can't tell. I still would like one more.

7:01I'm very torn on it. My husband does not want one more baby. and in my heart, I really question whether one more baby is even a good idea for me because I would be at capacity. But I think I have, well, I know I have enough love for another baby, but do I have enough energy to divide to every single baby then that's in the house? Correct. I don't know. And if it happened, I'm sure I'd figure it out. That's the conundrum. Well, that tells me everything that I need to know, that statement, because I know you very well. And I'll just let the besties read into that however they want to. If it happened, you would figure it out.

7:43To be fair, too, I don't think I could even like have a baby probably without a lot of medical help at this point because my endometriosis being super flared. But like that's a whole other chapter, a whole other chapter. But also maybe, maybe not. What I'm hearing is you're not not trying. What I'm hearing is we're not being careful at all. and nothing's happening. So yeah. Okay. So I'm going to leave it at that. I'm going to leave it right there. I'm going to put it, put it right here on this platter. And what is it? A pregnancy test? What's on the platter? Yeah. A pregnancy, like, I don't know.

8:19There could be like a candle. There could be like a ritual. I don't know. Like we're not having like a, what's it called? Like a Jesus baby. Like you're, you know, this isn't a miracle contraception. It's like this could absolutely happen. just to be like really clear really really clear it could happen we'll see what happens so maybe maybe this is your last baby maybe it's not who knows only time to tell friends so are you gonna give yourself like a like i'm a virgo so are you giving yourself like a timeline or roughly or do you think this will just go for a long time you know what i mean I really don't know.

9:00Honestly, I go to therapy all the time for this. I'm like, I wish the feelings would just resolve. And they're not. It's not really torturing me anymore, which is good because it used to. Yeah, you're just like, well, whatever happens, happens here. Yeah. Interesting. I love that. Great. One more baby. Here is one of my least favorite parenting scenarios. It is 5, 12 p.m. Everybody needs dinner. Somebody's asking me the same question 14 times. I just need a second. Should I turn on a screen? There is actually a magic device that I'm about to share with you. If you don't know about it already, Yodo.

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12:18That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash BLF. Can we talk about the absolute betrayal of getting into bed exhausted and then somehow being too hot to sleep. There is nothing worse if you ask me. I hate that feeling. Like you've completed the day. You've done your time. You're finally horizontal. And suddenly you're negotiating with one leg out of the comforter, rolling around trying to find your sweet spot. You flip the pillow. You kick off the blanket. You turn the AC down. And meanwhile, your sheets are basically glued to your legs. It's a pass for me, dog. Years ago, I started using Bowling Branch on all of our beds.

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13:33I love that. Upgrade your sleep with Bowlin Branch. Get 15 % off your first order plus free shipping at bowlinbranch.com slash biglittlefeelings with code biglittlefeelings. That's BollandBranch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D, branch.com slash Big Little Feelings, code Big Little Feelings to unlock 15 % off. Exclusions apply. What's today's topic, Dina? This is an episode called Would You Let Your Kid? And you and I, girl, we're going to fight it out. Okay, you have to basically say, well, I'm not going to fight you. I mean, unless you want to. I might fight you. And physically, I think I just I just want to put this out there.

14:17I think physically, if you and I had like an actual fight, I think I'd win. I'm just going to put that there. Dina, you're terrifying on many levels. Physically, emotionally, you could destroy me as a person in physical form, emotional form and spiritual form in like 10 seconds. And I don't think that's a secret to anyone. Like, I know that you would love to physically destroy many people. What? And you know that's true. That's why you're laughing and you're not confirming or you don't have to confirm or deny. Like, a hundred percent. My only tactic would be to, like, turtle in a corner or just like, you know, like, I would just I don't know.

15:06Like, it's just going to happen. Just let it happen. I'm not. I'm literally psychotic. What are you talking about? Of course. I so did not expect you to say. I'm psychotic in a different way. Sorry. Sorry. I did not expect you to say any of that. And I'm like literally shocked. Like what? You thought I would fight you back? I'm terrifying. I feel like I'm just like a sweet little like angel. You think you're a sweet little angel? I do like boxing. I think I'm really strong and I think I like boxing. But I didn't expect you to say all that. When you are in like scary mode, like if somebody has turned on you or something, like we're in a point where we're in a physical altercation because I have wronged you.

15:57You are like the Terminator. like you fucking like turn off all human emotions and just fucking destroy to the death what what i'm hearing is if we were in a real life dangerous situation and you needed help you want me on your team you want me on the team yeah dina why do you think we're best friends duh like hopefully it doesn't turn to that it's always the risk but it's a risk perfect i'm to have you on my team. I'm not going to be offended by what you said. I'm not going to be offended. I also hope the besties don't think I'm terrifying based on what you said. I mean, I think we all, but wouldn't you, like most people are either going to win in a fight or they're not.

16:41And like, wouldn't you rather win in a fight? Yeah. Like there's always, there's always going to be a Kristen and Nadina. I'm like, you're either winning in a fight or you're not. Like I'm the first to go, bitch, in a horror movie. You kidding me? Like I'm tired. I'm not, I'm going to strategize or fight back. I got you, girl. I got you girl. But anyways, that's not what we're doing today. So just to recenter us. Sorry, we went way off track. I think the off track was the podcast, Dina, respectfully. This is the podcast. That's fair. Would you win in a street fight? The answer is no. The answer is yes, I would.

17:15No. I absolutely would crush anyways. I'm too tired. too tired would you let your kid and then you have to answer yes or no immediately okay and then you can kind of like fight your case after that you know you can argue your point okay so this needs to be instinctual i can't think about it we can't think about like what the internet wants or what we should say this is like instinctual turn off your people pleasing and i'll do the same okay because the internet has scared me anyways you're like well whatever you want to do is fine for your children and your child. And if it's best for you to go to a restaurant, you can, but also don't feel like you have to.

17:57None of that. None of that today. None of that shit. If you like oranges, oranges are fine. Okay. Yes. These are rapid fire and then some context. So anyways, Kristen, get yourself ready, girl. Girl, I'm ready. Okay. I'm ready. Would you let your kid go to school in pajamas because they didn't want to wear other clothes. No. Yes. I know that about you. I know. That's the honest truth. And my family gives me a lot of shit for it, to be honest. So does the internet. Yeah. So does the internet. That's true. I have kids who are literally in OT for this and have been for a long time. Like they're just very sensory sensitive.

18:37And so honestly, I'm like, what's the worst that's going to happen at preschool? Honestly, if they're in pajamas for a day, like what's going to happen? What, Susie's mom doesn't like it? Oh, well. Susie's mom. I mean, my thing is, is if anybody else's kid wore pajamas to school, I wouldn't give a shit. So that's where I want to start out. I would in no way, shape or form see somebody and be like, oh, wow, like little little Billy is in pajamas today. What is that? No part of that. I do let my kids do pajamas like in the wild, which people don't like. Like I've posted them at like Target in pajamas and people are like, well, I don't give a shit.

19:22Like if we're going to Target at 7 a.m., we're going in pajamas. School for me is different. I don't I don't necessarily even know why, but I am a firm like you get dressed. We brush our hair. We brush our teeth. We go to school. That's what we do. Noted. Fair. That's it. I love that we had a civil, respectful disagreement there. Well, yeah. I'm not afraid to, like, have this kind of a fight with you. Just, like, again, if it was, like, a physical altercation, we know what would happen. We sure do. Yeah. I know you love it. Now you feel good about it. Good. Just tap into that. It's great. Okay.

19:58It's great. Sure do. Creep. Okay, next one. Would you let your kid go to school without their homework? oh this is like a fucking internet war yeah jesus uh all of these questions by the way i just want to be like i guys like i like answering these questions because i like hearing what other people think i like what their thoughts are behind it i like to be open-minded then and be like huh actually like there was one specific topic that's like a little bit divisive and i'm not even gonna bring up what it is. And then I talked to a friend about it and what she does with her kid. And I was like, huh, that's actually like that actually feels really good to me.

20:43And I shifted my perspective to involve a little bit of hers like two inches out. And so that's why I like talking about this stuff. Now, where it gets so crazy is when people say things like, no, I would send them without their homework to teach them a lesson or the opposite. I would drive the school and the internet fucking erupts like they erupt as if you are literally damaging them on one side or the other so i'm gonna pretend like that debate is not here for my children in my family because we also all have to remember every fucking family and every kid is different so my kids who have homework are neurodivergent if they forgot their homework i would bring their homework to school, period.

21:31That's a good point. Sorry, I'm thinking of Oreo gate. I'm trying to shove it aside. You're trying to what? I was thinking of Oreo gate. Have you heard about that scandal? It's not really a scandal. I love Oreo gate. I love Oreo gate. Can we talk about Oreo gate after this? Yeah, we can. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll give you my take on it. This is actually a tough one. I hadn't, well, I made the questions. I actually hadn't thought of my own answer somehow Okay, wait, let me back up. Let me back up because this is good context. So me a few years ago who has done extensive thinking about this approaches, anxiety, resilience, raising an independent kid, not over fixing, not over involving yourself, raising a kid who can handle the world.

22:18I would have said I would not bring their homework to them because homework is not something like they're going to physically be malnourished like not bringing their lunch every single day you know we've heard that story of the like mom blogger who like literally just didn't feed our kids for days that's very different homework is something where the only repercussion is that they are going to deal with the consequences, which are normal consequences, and then they will learn. And that will be a better way for them to learn to actually bring their own homework and to be independent. And so I think anybody with like an anxiety framework, or we're trying to build independent children and independent skills, I think that is a wonderful approach in a loving way and not in a shameful way or what's wrong with you or whatever, like we can approach that.

23:11And that would have been my approach. Now, here's where life gets tricky. You don't always have the same kid as what's in a textbook. And so when you have a child with ADHD, and I was a child with ADHD, when I say their brains cannot help it, and they are trying so hard. Like there are some kids with ADHD who seem like they're not trying at all. And they seem like they're just like, oh, whatever. And they're breaking the rules. By the way, they're probably just leaning into like the bad kid image. And that's what they're doing. My kid is still incredibly sweet. She's still trying so hard. I see her walking around our rooms and going shoes, socks, homework, shoes, socks, homework, shoes, socks, homework.

24:05And without fail, she will forget one thing. If we leave the softball game, one thing will be left behind. You know who else is leaving one thing behind? Mom. I leave my water bottle and she leaves her glove and it is the joke of the softball thing. And we are trying so hard. And I think that's the difference between these two approaches is in one approach, it's a kid who's forgetting it because they're not trying hard enough, because they don't have the right systems because they're not following the orders. And in another scenario, like with my ADHD child, she is trying everything. She has her little board.

24:47She has the system. She's trying so hard. And you know what? Sometimes there's only so much you can do. And so I will bring her homework. Damn, girl. Preach. Yes. Gave me chills. As a therapist, I'm like, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Okay. my own answer, honestly, honestly, I would have to see, I think, how both of my kids are handling the situation because I have two very, very different children. I know one would absolutely panic if he left his homework at home and I would bring the homework. I think one honestly wouldn't really care and I'd maybe let him go to school and have that consequence and just experience what that's like.

25:30Absolutely. I think it is absolutely like a kid by kid basis, a family by family basis, because this is where it gets into really tricky territory where kids start to tell themselves a story one way or the other when you just make blanket approaches to absolutely everything. There is something called accommodations. And so when you have a child that has ADHD or has autism or has just certain things that are truly a wiring of a brain. We can't be doing over overall therapy, anxiety approaches really have to tailor to your own kit. Yeah. Agreed. It can't be so black and white because then you miss the big picture there.

26:15By the way, the only reason I'm so firm on this is because we literally are in homework zone. So like, yeah, I wouldn't have known how either of them would have approached homework, you know, five years ago. Like I now know what each of them is like and how they are trying or not trying, et cetera, et cetera. OK, bingo. Next one. Are you ready? Ready. Would you let your kid tell their grandma I don't want to hug? Every day, all day. Same girl, same. Every day. Easy. Yes. every day all day in fact i will tell grandma grandma they have said they do not want physical touch in our home we respect when they say no and then grandma goes come on i'm just a hug and i go later on when it is not you and it is somebody else and this is unwanted touch and they are trying to say no and they are looking uncomfortable and they are squirming and they are looking to the side.

27:08I want them to know that their no means no. And then grandma's still going to get it, not going to get it. The point for me is not for grandma to get it or not get it or the aunt to get it or not get it. What a boundary is, is holding the boundary of what is best for you or what is best for your child. It is actually not to convince the other person to agree with what your boundary is and to actually do it. And so this is just absolutely firm. My kids know this. You don't have to. Agreed. Mine too. And you can be kind and respectful still, and you can still connect. By the way, do you want to wave bye-bye to grandma?

27:45Do you want to blow her a kiss? Do you want to say bye-bye? How do you want to do it? Because that's the connection piece, and it can still be there. But I feel so passionate about this and consent starting super early, especially as a mom who is raising three little boys who are going to become men who come into the world. And I need them to know that no means no and stop means stop. And that starts right here in my house with grandma and them saying, no, I don't want that. And an adult listening and me stepping in and making that adult listen if they can't do it on their own. Word up. Next one.