Your Hardest Parenting Questions, Answered

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12:54Deena Kimmel:Okay, we have our first question. This is from Kelly. Hi, Kelly. Hi. She says, Hi, I have a three-year-old and we tried potty training. Not with your course. I didn't know about that until recently. And it just like didn't work at all. I feel like we failed potty training. We're back in diapers. I don't know how to start again or what to do.

13:17Kristen Carbone:Oh, well, first of all, you didn't fail. I just want to, I want to honor that. Right. Absolutely. That is not a fail. Oh my God. Didn't you do this one time? And it wasn't even, it wasn't even because like it didn't quote unquote work. Like you were just like, I can't handle this right now. So we're going to stop.

13:35Deena Kimmel:I'm just going to be really honest. We had set aside three whole days to kick off our potty training with our first son. And then we got in a fight on Friday night. You and your husband, right? Yeah. Me and my toddler. Yeah. Like big fight, big fight. No, Mike and I had like a disagreement. It was something about like a work conversation. And then I felt like he didn't understand my feelings and was just trying to give me advice. And I was like, that's not really what I need right now. And it just kind of spiraled to the point where I was like, I don't really like you right now. And we can't really be a good team for our son who needs our support learning this brand new skill for the first time ever.

14:18Deena Kimmel:So you know what? Let's just get that diapy back on. Let's reschedule this for a few months from now. We're going to do a little reset. And that's exactly what you do when things have you've tried and it doesn't quite work out. You can do a reset.

14:31Kristen Carbone:There is no shame in doing a reset. It's also not a fail. Everybody develops at a different time. So whether you're learning to swing a baseball bat and joining all stars or not like hello everything in my life is about softball or learning the ABCs or learning how to swim or any I mean learning how to walk we're talking about those milestones too my kids walked at 18 months and it's not a fail if your child is not walking at 10 months like your neighbor exactly

14:59Deena Kimmel:this is a real skill and skills are going to take practice they're going to take lots of mistakes and accidents and that's actually how our kids grow this is why we call potty training potty learning. They're learning something brand new. And taking a break is totally fine. When you're ready, you're going to reset. You're going to carve out your days and stay really consistent with a plan once you start potty training again. And one of the biggest things about potty training is that when it turns into that kind of like chronic stress, there's lots of pressure, there's shame and battles and accidents, their nervous system can start associating the potty with anxiety and threat.

15:38Deena Kimmel:It becomes really stressful. So pulling that back removes the pressure and lets everyone reset. So I'm glad that you listened to your gut. You went back and just took a break from it all. Shall we go on to question number two? We shall. Okay. This one is from Alex. Okay. Help. I go to set a boundary or to discipline my toddler when they've done something bad and my toddler laughs at me. Like recently they kept jumping off our dining room table when I say not to, he will go back up and climb up whenever I'm not looking, then laugh directly in my face when I'm telling them no.

16:18Kristen Carbone:I want to acknowledge how triggering that is, you know, as a parent. Oh, yeah.

16:27Deena Kimmel:That can be a really triggering one indeed, because you're just like, yo, you are not respecting me. This is not safe.

16:35Kristen Carbone:And you need to listen to me. Your nervous system is going like through the roof. And then that little laugh is just like, oh my God. Okay. If we zoom out and we are not in it and we are not triggered, this is a really common thing. And it's not common in every single kid. So we also think like, oh, this is a sign of disrespect or this is a sign. My sister is a kind of person who laughs at a funeral, like not because she thinks anything is funny, but because she's through the roof nervous or if she thinks she's in trouble. And I remember as a kid, anytime we would all get in trouble and they would ask her if she was lying, she would start laughing.

17:17Kristen Carbone:And so then she would get in more trouble. And she really wasn't the one lying. Like I was probably the one lying because she would laugh. Everybody thought she was doing it like she was just anytime she got uncomfortable or she thought that like like her emotions were getting up or her nervous system was overloaded. She would start laughing and it was really uncontrollable for her. She's still that way. And I think that there's a lot of toddlers, kids, adults who are like this, but toddlers especially where they're like they kind of freeze and it's just a response.

17:51Deena Kimmel:Exactly. So I've seen this a lot as a child therapist, actually. This is kind of think of it as their brain is basically saying, this feels intense and weird. And laughing is a natural response, like you're saying. By the way, the jumping piece got me thinking, if your kid is jumping a lot, like off of tables, they might actually be very sensory or sensation seeking. That kind of jumping gives vestibular input and adrenaline and sensory feedback and this novelty kind of experience that a lot of kids do crave. So that could actually be part of it and finding safe ways for them to jump and kind of help their body regulate in that way could actually be really, really helpful.

18:32Kristen Carbone:I was going to say, when we say I keep disciplining them and they keep climbing back onto the table and laughing, I'm very curious what that word discipline means without judgment? Is it big yelling and shouting? Because I understand, especially it's like kind of an unsafe situation. So like probably the instincts. But if that is what we're doing, we're just like, hey, get off. Then A, it makes sense that they're laughing if that's just like an automatic response. But B, we're not calmly sort of leading the show here and we're not calmly letting them know what they can do, which is always what we recommend at the toddler stage.

19:13Kristen Carbone:So if we're just sort of screaming at them what not to do, but their body has the impulse to throw a truck or the impulse to hit something or the impulse is very natural and it's not going away. Tell them what they can do and show them, OK, you can jump on this little trampoline. You can jump off of the couch onto these couch cushions, which maybe not all households would have ever done. My parents would have never done it. However, watch what happens when you let this sensory-seeking child jump off of a couch onto a pillow of piles. It's going to be awesome. Their behavior is going to improve all the way around.

19:50Deena Kimmel:Exactly. And you brought up impulse control. That leads me to a really important point that a lot of us grownups forget. Yet when our kids are little, their prefrontal cortex, the part that helps them with impulse control and decision making and safety judgment is massively immature at this age. So even if your kid can technically understand, I am not supposed to jump off the table, they cannot consistently stop themselves or control their bodies in the moment. Knowledge does not equal impulse control at this age. That is something they will develop over time. And that leads us to, like you said, the real point of discipline is teaching our kids.

20:36Deena Kimmel:And to teach our kids, they're going to need not just words, because this is another trap that a lot of us, especially my husband, is working on this right now. They need words and boundaries. So it's not going to be like, don't jump off the table, get down, get down, get down, get down, until we blow up naturally because your frustration rising. You're like, yo, I'm saying it and you are not listening. They also need action a lot of times. So it's I'm going to help you get down. I'm going to keep you safe. I'm going to move your body and then remove the chairs from the table. Yeah. What if they jump onto the chair?

21:10Deena Kimmel:They might. And then it's like you're saying, we're going to bring them back over to somewhere where they can safely jump and set that up in your house. Yeah. You know, if we're going to

21:23Kristen Carbone:like we we have some more work to do it means maybe the discipline is going a little bit off the rails maybe it's just a bit too at any any extreme honestly is it a bit too permissive or is it a bit too firm on the other side where it's just scary but there's not really any follow-through and what we want is like a real sweet spot where we're in the middle where they know this is not something we do in our home. We do not go onto the table. They know why. I feel like the why is missing a lot in our parenting. It's like, oh, because I said so. Toddlers, and especially as they get older, they understand more than we know.

22:07Kristen Carbone:And oftentimes if we say, we don't jump off of a table in our house because it's unsafe, you may go to the hospital. And that's not to scare them if you're saying it in a calm way like that's that's the truth like the table is high dude we don't want to get hurt we don't want to go to the doctor today here's what you can do and keeping it consistent keeping it calm and following through every single time we're not like begging 20 times you know like dina was saying and then we're falling into permissive and that's why then they're going on the table then they're going to go on the chairs and they're going to laugh in your face.

22:42Deena Kimmel:Exactly. With my guys, I try to usually like slow it down and bring them over and get down with them. And I'm like, hey, look up on this table, how high it is. What do you think could happen if you fell off that table?

22:55Kristen Carbone:Yeah.

22:55Deena Kimmel:Yeah. You could go boom really hard, get really hurt. I try to make it like really slow so they can take it in. Yeah. And

23:03Kristen Carbone:then sometimes when I do that, they just like run away because they have too much energy. And I'm like, oh, we probably need to go to the park. You know, sometimes it's like, man, we're just cooped up. You know, like we can't follow one by one. You need to go jump off of something. This is actually on me. We need to go to the park.

23:18Deena Kimmel:I think you're right. And to wrap this all up, you said something really important that when it comes to our parenting, we can find that sweet spot of being warm and firm and clear, connected with boundaries, right? Calm and fully in charge. and that's where our kids start to thrive. I'm just over here.

23:37Kristen Carbone:I've poured, I think, two different cups of coffee. What I did was I brought the pitcher of iced coffee up here with me with a full thing of almond milk, which was not a good idea because as you're talking, I'm just pouring and I can't really keep track of what I'm doing here, just so everybody knows on this podcast.

23:55Deena Kimmel:You can text me at midnight. I don't know. I'll chat with you.

23:59Kristen Carbone:I got practice today, so I think I'm going to be pretty tired. Stop it. I'm pretty bored at it. Stop it. Stop my journey. Oh, my God. Practice, dear Lord. I'm not kidding.

24:12Deena Kimmel:Kristen, I need more EMDR before I can go back on a softball field. I'm going to be honest. I'm so happy for you, and I don't even know how to respond sometimes when you talk about it. So I've got a lot of work to do, my friend. Okay. Well, not our last question, but this is our last kind of like kid question. is from Natalie. And it says, I have two kids. My seven-year-old has and has always had huge reactions to things. Little things bug him. The reaction never matches the situation happening, losing a game, playing with his brother, getting dressed, something as simple as going potty, getting shoes on.

24:52Deena Kimmel:Always a battle, always big, just always a thing. And then in parentheses, The other kid has meltdowns and upset feelings, but nothing like this. Sounds like you have a big feel. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess they didn't actually. They gave us all the context, but not a question.

25:08Kristen Carbone:But I guess we can infer the question. I understand the question. We get that question more than anyone gets that question. Yeah, there's clearly something happening, some sort of sensitivity. now there's such a variety of things this could technically be i would highly highly recommend seeking any kind of evaluation or talking to your pediatrician and if your pediatrician doesn't take you seriously because listen it can run the gamut we could just have a highly sensitive kid what we call a big feeler where they're just more sensitive, more reactive, everything is more intense. We could have some sort of neurodivergence going on.

25:57Kristen Carbone:It could be very mild, by the way. There's a whole plethora of things that if you feel like something is a little bit off, first of all, always trust your gut and seek more information for your child. However, that said, no matter whether it is just quote unquote just highly sensitive whether it's neurodivergence they're all under the same umbrella of what you're talking about really big reactions the smallest things set them off it is a daily struggle all day long you're not alone in feeling that this is really difficult especially when you're seeing how other kids can react in the same situations all day long is a battle.

26:44Kristen Carbone:It's really hard to be that kid. You know, it's really hard to parent that kid, but it's also really hard to be that kid.

26:53Deena Kimmel:God, that is such a good point. People, I think, often miss that part where it's like we get so caught up in how hard this is and we forget what it's like for them. But you're right that there's so much research about all kids are different. Two kids growing up in the exact same home with the same input, the same parent responses, have completely different nervous systems and are born with completely different temperament, which then impacts their emotional intensity, their sensory sensitivity, their frustration tolerance. I have a big feeler. I saw this ever since he was a tiny, tiny baby that it was just all big and intense right from the get-go.

27:37Deena Kimmel:And yet our responses to them really do matter because our responses do guide behavior. It guides the skills that they build. And that's really what I try to think of in these tough situations is what kind of skills am I trying to give them for the rest of their life? Just embracing exactly who they are. Like I've got a really intense kid who feels it all big, big, big. How can I support them?

28:04Kristen Carbone:And I think from experience too, it's knowing that you cannot parent this kid the same way that you're parenting another kid. You cannot parent this kid the way that your neighbor is parenting, you know, their kid who is, you ever hear that? God, I should probably know who this is, but it's like the dandelion versus the orchid. You heard that? Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. I forget who's the original author. I forgot to, we will look it up. Maybe, maybe not. It's really, we did not come up with this and somebody else did and his work is great. And there are some kids who are dandelion kids, right?

28:47Kristen Carbone:And you'll see them all around and you're like, God, what is wrong with like, why can't mine can be more like that? And is it my parenting? And is it this? The dandelion can just thrive. It can be raining. It can be thundering. It can be sunshine. It can be whatever comes their way. They're just going to kind of stick around like they're good.

29:05Deena Kimmel:Listen, the dandelion can grow in like between rocks, right? It grows like out of a crack with no soil. It thrives literally anywhere in any conditions.

29:15Kristen Carbone:You can take these kids anywhere. They can be out for 12 hours a day. They can go to the Disneyland. They're going to fall asleep, you know, on the stroller or like in a restaurant booth. You're just like those kids, right? And And then we have our orchids and the orchids need the exact right temperature. They need exactly the right type of soil. They need the exact amount of water that I have never been able to figure out. It's so hard. And they just really need the right conditions to thrive because they are sensitive to the outside world. And a dandelion is not sensitive to the outside world.

29:54Kristen Carbone:And that's truly the only difference if you think about it. Both can thrive. Both do not have to wilt and crumble. It's just about the outside world is so much for these kids. And by the way, these kids are going to grow up to become those adults. And their nervous system is probably not going to change. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. I know you probably want to hear if we just parent them differently, if we just get, you know, make them do this or force them to do that. They might be able to push down what's happening inside of them for a period of time and push through, but it's not going to really work long term.

30:39And so having the right strategies for these kids, because the strategies that work for these kids are very different than works for just the run-of-the-mill kids, that is the most important work that you can possibly do.

30:53Kristen Carbone:I would say it's one of two things. One, do the right strategies and get the right strategies for these kids. You're totally different. Regulating strategies, coping strategies, the whole gamut. Number two, believe your kid. that the biggest and best advice I could possibly give you is to believe your kid when they say it smells too bad. I can't be here. And they're screaming and you're like, nothing is even happening. They're probably just trying to get out of something or believe them when they say something is too itchy. Believe them when they say that when the dog looked at them the wrong way, it is really upset them.

31:30Kristen Carbone:It feels overwhelming to them. And if you can be on their side and they can know that somebody looks at them and knows that they are not too much and that that understands them, that's going to be the biggest bang for your buck for this kid for the long haul.

31:48Deena Kimmel:You're exactly right. When we look and we say, whoa, the reaction does not match the situation that's happening. That can feel so true from the outside as we are looking at it in our bodies, completely different from them. But on the inside of your kid's nervous system, the distress feels very real and very big. And when you believe them, that is actually the starting point of helping them build skills is acknowledging and validating and telling them that, yes, I see you. I'm here to support you through this. Okay.

32:23Kristen Carbone:A couple of tangible tips just to get through today. By the way, we have a full program on these kids because truly parenting these kids needs completely different strategies. So we wrote the program as two sensitive neurodivergent adults ourselves, parenting these kids who have also helped millions of these kids. It's called the Big Feelers Program, and you can get it at biglittlefeelings.com slash courses. However, here are some bullet point hot tips to get you through until you start it. Number one, less is more. Do less. When these kids are melting down, when they are freaking out, It does not matter what it is about.

33:03Kristen Carbone:I do not care if it is logical or illogical. We are going to do less. We are not going to validate their feelings out loud. Shocking, I know, but we're not going to do the whole like, it's okay to be sad. You're feeling sad if that makes them explode. If it works for them, do it. If it doesn't, and it usually doesn't, do less. Stay quiet. Stay nearby. Do not come in with logic. Do not come in with anything. Simply allow this moment to happen and just let it pass. You'll often see that the more you do, the longer it's going to go on and on and on and dysregulate their nervous system more and more and more.

33:41Deena Kimmel:Another thing you can do starting today is start to notice some of the sensory stuff. A lot of times that's behind what's building up to explosions is actually they are more sensitive. And we can work with that by getting them clothes with no tags. Notice seams bother them. Maybe they're sensitive to lights, right? We can get them sunglasses. Maybe they're sensitive to noise and volume level. We can do headphones. We can do earplugs. Anything to help them with their sensory sensitivity will help them with their emotional regulation.

34:13Kristen Carbone:Third thing is lower the demands on this child. If it has been a big demand day, your child went to school all day, you're going to basically expect your kid to have a really, really hard time after school. This is not maybe the kid who's going to be able to go from school to baseball practice to their sister's art class, out to dinner, and then home for a late bedtime. You may have to grieve that a little bit, or maybe they do have to do that, but you have to adjust your expectations. This child, if there has been demands placed on them for a long period of time, their nervous system is going to snap.

34:55Kristen Carbone:It just is. It doesn't have to. However, if you are in a position where, let's say after a full day of school or a full day of camp, you can really create a soft lighting, no demands, help them with their backpack, help them with their shoes. What we don't want is them coming in the door and we're placing a ton more demands on them because we expect them. We expect kids in general to be able to hang up their backpack, go right in for homework, do all of the things, lower the demands after there's been a lot of demands. There's only so much your child can do. We call this the window of tolerance.

35:38Kristen Carbone:And so it may not look like it's the itchy tag that's bothering them or the full school day full of kind of keeping it together all day. It's going to look like it's the dog food or some random fucking thing that's setting them off. But in reality, it's this buildup of demands of keeping it together for as long as they have before then they just need a complete sensory nervous system demand break.

36:06Deena Kimmel:I always think of it like a cup, right? and you're adding water throughout the day until eventually it's just overflowing. And that happens at home with us in their safe space with the people who love them the most, as hard as that is.

36:18Kristen Carbone:And their cup is really small. Their cup is very small. We're talking a shot glass. We got a shot glass kid. Okay. This is not a Stanley Cup kid.

36:28Deena Kimmel:Hi, y 'all. I'm Kinsey and I'm the host of Housecast Podcast. I am a Gen Z wannabe Martha Stewart meets Dolly Parton trying to live in a Nancy Meyers movie. We talk all about life relationships and navigating your 20s. I'd like to say I'm multifaceted. I'm either waking up at 4am in the sauna, tending to my garden, or closing out the bars until 2am. You just never know what you're going to get. It's either me at home and my house in Texas that I spend way too much time in, or in the studio with some pretty cool guests. You can follow us at The HouseguistPod and listen or watch all new episodes every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts or on YouTube.

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39:08Kristen Carbone:I need to know what outfit I have that I can just put on for every single event, no matter what, because I can't be thinking. I can't be thinking too much. Gone are the days where I am like putting on five different outfits and obsessing. No, no, no, no, no. I have one uniform. and that is my daytime uniform, which is sweatpants. And then my going out quote unquote outfit is my Quince oversized boyfriend sweater. I mean it. I literally, if you know me, if we're going to dinner or we're going to get our nails done or we're going to the school event, I'm showing up in that sweater. Quince makes it easy to refresh her every day this spring with pieces that feel as good as they look.

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40:26Kristen Carbone:Quince.com slash BLF. Lauren. Hi, Lauren. She wants to know. Oh, this is a fun one. What's your most millennial personality trait?

40:39Deena Kimmel:Kristen, you're going to have to go first because, you know, I have a processing delay. I'm thinking I'm having five million things flip through my mind right now. I'm deciding which path to go down. besties whenever we have a zoom work call I always go Tina do you want to go first or do

40:55Kristen Carbone:you want me to go first and then I always go first because the dopamine just flows when I have no idea what I'm talking about and for Dina she really needs a moment to gather her thoughts and it works out really well it does luckily luckily it does like if I had to go second I would I would either like I would have zoned out by then. You know, there'd be a lot of problems. It's like it works really well. OK, my most millennial personality trait is have you met me? Everything about me is super millennial. Like, Dina, you're so millennial that you can't even answer this question because I see your face.

41:37Kristen Carbone:You're just really confused. You're wearing the big sunglasses right now inside. OK, you're wearing are you wearing leggings? Are you wearing black leggings right now? Yes. You're millennial. I mean, that's all we have to say. You even have a side bang from 2005, or at least you wish you did. I know because you keep talking about wanting to cut them again.

41:58Deena Kimmel:I let it grow out mostly because of the chaos in this chapter of life. I couldn't book the haircut. Okay. Otherwise, I would have a side bang, to be fair.

42:08Kristen Carbone:so I think the leggings athleisure our voices are pretty millennial mine is I think one of the most

42:17Deena Kimmel:millennial things about me is I can't wear the clothes that are in style right now I cannot do I go to the store yeah I try on the jeans first of all I can't even wear jeans anymore post pandemic I can't do jeans no when I used to do jeans I actually used to wear leggings under my jeans because I didn't like the texture. Hi, big feelers. Anyways, now though, the jeans, like I look at other people and I'm like, you look so cute. And then I put them on. I'm like, this is sorry. This is a no. I can't. And the leggings are on.

42:46Kristen Carbone:I like that you think that it's jeans though because it's like, it's like, it's still yoga pants, but they flare at the bottom. And it's just, it's just horrific. It's like, it's that or it's like baggy at the bottom sweatpants, you know rather than having sweatpants it's like the bottom of the sweatpants go big at the bottom you know i'm talking about i think the problem is we already did all these okay kristin do you

43:13Deena Kimmel:remember when we were in high school together by the way and we had the yoga pants that flared out you would roll them down so low so your thong could show a little bit okay i mean you did i didn't yeah you know i followed all the rules but yeah i i feel like it was even earlier too

43:29Kristen Carbone:was like middle school you know it's like the adidas track pants and stuff and i can't go back there i can't go back there it doesn't look good on my body first of all and it doesn't feel good and also it just it's not where i want to go in my life i don't want to be there again i don't want to be there hold on i'm gonna chat gpt really quick some millennial thing what's the most millennial personality traits wait a minute this one knows me though see that we can't be having chat GPT anymore, guys. I never ever use it to be really honest, but it knows me enough that it has just like blown smoke up my ass.

44:06Kristen Carbone:And it's basically just like, well, being a millennial is less about like clothes and it's more about being incredible. Basically, it's like telling me what I want to hear. Being emotionally fluent, almost to a fault, which to be fair, I think is millennial, right? It's like you're obsessed with therapy language, boundaries, triggers in your child. That's that's us.

44:28Deena Kimmel:Listen, you can't use chat GPT for anything because literally I could put in there like I got so mad that I just lit my house on fire. Literally, it's like, yes, yes, that's right. That's called emotional release. You're expressing yourself. Nothing wrong with a new beginning.

44:46Kristen Carbone:You know, I'm just like, I'm sorry, what? That's not illegal. Well, that's your nervous system telling you what you need. Exactly. Okay, wait. Emotionally fluent to a fault. We did that. Self-aware but still spiraling is pretty millennial. We know why we're anxious, but we're still anxious. Values experiences over stuff. Burned out but high functioning. Are we still high functioning, do you think? I think we are. We think we're not, but I think we are, unfortunately. I still get a lot done. Yeah. Just a little chaotic. And let's see. humor as a coping mechanism check that's you all right well that's what we got from chat gpt that wasn't that helpful the robots are listening dina don't talk shit about don't talk shit about ai oh my god that's a good point i'm gonna get you i love you guys please don't hurt me when you escape being held hostage dina is currently in a adidas track state got my baggy jeans on i don't think it's baggy jeans i could be wrong i don't know what the youth are doing anymore retired millennials i'm just pitching at an all-star practice landing in the hot you know landing in the er probably okay you need to go take a rest before

46:03Deena Kimmel:you practice my god go take take some advil go lay down already dead

46:12Kristen Carbone:I'll report back tomorrow if I make it. Sounds good. Okay. I want to know for another practice tomorrow.

46:17Deena Kimmel:Okay. Bye. Okay. Okay. We have to call it before this turns into a three hour Q &A episode. Okay. Which honestly would be wonderful. Love hanging out with you. But really, if you heard your question in here or you were like, oh, wow, that's exactly my kid right now and the struggles that I go through every single day and you're craving more than just these answers that we went through here. Like you want the full game plan for what to do in the moment when your kid is melting down or hitting or refusing everything, pushing every boundary you have. That's what our courses are for. We break it all down step by step so that you are not just reacting and hoping for the best.

46:54Deena Kimmel:You actually know what to say and what to do and how to respond and handle it in a way that works right now and sets your kid up for success and gives them the skills for the rest of life. You can find it all at biglittlefeelings.com slash courses. Because honestly, parenting is hard enough. You should not have to figure it out alone. All right. Love you guys and see you next week.

47:39Deena Kimmel:Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.