Your Hardest Parenting Questions, Answered: Part 2

0:00The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome back to another episode of After Bedtime. I have a question for you, and it's a big one. Are you okay right now? Like, how are you actually doing? Because apparently this week, I am not okay. And I found that out on this episode midway through. And based on the questions that you guys sent into us for this week's Q &A episode, you guys are not doing that hot either. Today's episode is a besties Q &A, but somehow every single question led us back to the exact same place. We are all doing so much right now. We're going to talk about why your kid has completely lost their mind since going back to school and what to do about the after school restraint.

0:50We're going to talk about your toddler and how they turn into a little beast when a new baby comes into the house and how that's perfectly normal and what to do about it. We're going to tell you what we're watching right now on TV, you know, what makes us happy. And we're going to talk about what happens when you know you need therapy, but you're so overwhelmed that adding therapy to your schedule feels like the thing that might actually push you over at the edge. That is something that a listener submitted. And I got some good advice for this. And meanwhile, I guess I'm having an anxiety spiral on this episode and Dina's having a midlife crisis.

1:24And at some point during this episode, we accidentally give each other therapy and you're going to hear all of it. So basically, welcome to After Bedtime. Welcome to After Bedtime, where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions, the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina, child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of Big Little Feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope. We're here to tell the truth, the unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids. and re-raise ourselves in the process.

2:00Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles. It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud. And we're so glad that you're here. Kristen? Hello, Dina. Hi. How are you? Hi, are you tapped in here? We're in a new setup, a new dynamic right now. I know I almost recorded from my bed today because I'm at my house and I got in the bed and I was like whoa this is all wrong for the vibe so now I'm in my office I only record from my bed and anytime I've tried to like go on some sort of a desk setup with them like a background that's the wrong vibe for me that's how I got to the bed was you I was like well if Kristen likes this like I I got to give this a shot.

2:55Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And that's what we've learned about ourselves, really. Well, speaking of that, we can just go into a really deep dive that I'm like, I think I'm struggling a little bit with anxiety right now. And yeah, like a little bit, a little bit. And like, I don't know that it's gotten too out of control yet. You know, I'm noticing some things. I'm making appointments. But I do think that it's falling back into this like well other people do it this way so why can't you like you know Dina we have a lot of goals and priorities and we're like taking on like six seven eight things where most people probably wouldn't but we feel like that's just normal first of all we're entrepreneurs we're trying to help people we're trying to do whatever and then in order to make those things happen, I keep like trying really hard to tell myself that, well, no, I'm not trying to do this.

3:52The inner voice is like normal people do this, normal people do that. And then with back to school. So everybody is, you know, there's like two different softball teams and I'm coaching all the teams. That capacity is what I'm saying is one of the problems saying yes to everything. and then the other problem is then gaslighting myself into being like well normal people work a full-time job and coach softball so what like I need to push through and do better you know does that make sense that sounds like a lot for one human just from the outside perspective if I may. I like that you first did the therapy thing where you went, hmm, you know, taking a pause.

4:39You did the therapist move. Hmm. If I may. I did. Well, I am a therapist. I know. Continue. I love that part. Continue. I'm I'm more I'm more curious about the anxiety part because as a therapist, anxiety is also about like your brain not feeling necessarily safe and telling you that you're in danger that it has to be on high alert all the time so what do you feel in your body yes anxiety so okay so in my body but also tangibly i have i did a little i did that like yesterday kind of so in my body the anxiety is is fear like it is fear and almost like a terror is how i would describe it in my chest and then also i feel it in my head because i'm like you know trying to continually be like okay I'll make this work and then I'll make that work and then if I just do it this way and then if I do that way and then if I if I do it this way in the end I don't ever do it any of those ways because then I'm like so discombobulated that I blah right so that's where I'll fry you that's what it's like in my body and then it feels very much like the anxiety is also coming from again fear even logically of fear of like if I don't coach every team if I don't show up for them.

5:57If I don't do this perfectly, if I'm not home by two 30, then I'm fucking my kids up. And then also if I don't get this deadline done and then that deadline done and then that deadline done, then I'm fucking it up. And so it's a story, this age old story that I have that I single handedly am fucking everything up and also ruining my children's lives. I'm ruining my life. I'm ruining my husband's life. I'm ruining our financial wellbeing, all of it. I'm ruining our business. I'm ruining Dina's financial wellbeing. That's where I'm at right now. And it's only been the past like few days, I will say.

6:29And I do have my period, but it is a it's it's lasting a little bit longer than it usually does with period. And I'm feeling like I need to like jump on this in a certain way and get a little bit of like help and clarity around it. I'm not in jeopardy right now of a full, you know, collapse, but I can feel that if I don't stop and I don't pause and I don't do certain things right now, whether that's therapy or exploring or EMDR or I don't know, we'll talk through what I should do. I think that I would just keep running like this and then it would result in like something not so good. Well, I'm really proud of you for noticing all of this.

7:08It's good that you're catching it before you're completely like fried from going too long, you know? Yeah. Yeah. No, you're definitely in a transition period and that's a lot for someone to deal with. And you're shooting all over yourself, girl you know that's the main thing isn't it that's the main thing yeah like I should be doing this and I should be doing that and honestly when I hear you talk as an outsider who's not in your body struggling with this I'm like damn you're doing a good job like look at you juggling all this stuff that's hard for any human that's crazy that you're doing all of that like no one would be well because everyone would be at capacity.

7:51Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. No, it's definitely it's definitely old stories and old patterns that normally I'm like, look, those patterns. I don't do things this way. Like I know that my brain is different and my body is different. And I know that this is as much as I can handle each day and whatever. And that's not happening right now. Right now, it's like the old stories. But it's like it's almost physical it's almost like i can't i can't logic my way out of it of being like the feeling is fear overwhelming fear i'm fucking up i'm fucking all of this up i have to i have to go to this practice i have to go to this thing i have to do that i have to or i'm fucking everything up and it's like not all physically possible you know right and the fact that your brain can't like switch gears out of that that's the flag for sure correct you're trying all the things correct that is really the flag that's really the flag so how are you I like how I don't even think you asked me how I was doing by the way I think I didn't I've been waiting for this moment because I haven't we've been lightly texting but it's also been the weekend and it's been back to school so you and I haven't even been texting as much as usual so I really waited for this moment to just blurt it all out and make a plan with you as we always do well that sounds great you know I'm I'm having a midlife crisis I'm just a little I'm fine yeah you I'm fine you started your midlife crisis you had a midlife you've been having a midlife crisis for like a few weeks now is there something in the air is there some energy that's happening right now like I feel like I need a whole episode eventually on like my midlife crisis because it's a weird one.

9:35We do. We really do. I mean, is that OK? That's not today's episode, but you're right. I forgot all about. I mean, because I'm in my own shit right now and we've been we've been talking a lot about your midlife crisis. And then I know mine's more like a. Yeah. OK, so we're going to give the besties a midlife crisis episode, right? Yeah, we probably should. I mean, at some point. Are you still in? You're still inside of it right now, right? Yeah. And besties, it's just like one of those moments where if I was a man, like I'd be, you know, like buying a sports car being like, what's what's what's going on with my life?

10:17Like, what about the rest of my life? And what what do I want? What do I need in this life that I have left? I've gotten real existential in the past weeks and it's freaked me out a little bit. whoa i'm like in the total opposite like we're on opposite pendulums you know yours is like like life is expansion and and am i even happy doing what i'm doing and maybe you will maybe in the end you're like yes this is exactly what i should be doing and then mine is just like inner child voice of just like you are a fuck up you're fucking it all up take care of everyone else. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah.

10:58OK. So, you know, wow. Here we are. The journey continues for both of us. I will say I think mine mine was catalysted by back to school. Maybe it's just neurodivergence and like transitions and I'm having a mini meltdown. But then we have way more on our plate in terms of work right now. And and so then that mixed with and then the kids do way more activities as they get older and then the schedules are changing and so I think that's a like it's not helping is what I'm saying like that's certainly a little like the straw on the camel's back for me was just like oh I'm suddenly really my body didn't feel good yeah to be fair well welcome to after bedtime we're your host where you're gonna learn some really positive, positive strategies to turn your life around.

11:59The only good news, besties, to the listener, the only good news is that we are obsessive and voracious. And so this isn't going to be where we're going to be in two to three weeks. Like I'm going to go on a fucking journey right now to feel better and to like work through this dumb, unconscious, subconscious story that's happening inside of myself. And in three weeks, I'm going to be I'm going to be able to tell you like how to get out of this shit, because that's what we do. Like then Dina is going to have a whole thing on her mental. Like that is the positive of this is we really take these moments and then we're going to obsessively research exactly what to do to get out of this.

12:43And we will transcend. Oh, you think we'll transcend this time? I do. I am transcending in October because in October my second kitten arrives. And once I have two cats and two kittens, then I'll transcend. Really concrete wellness tool right there. Kittens. I figured it out. Dina, what's our topic today? Well, today's episode is actually really fun because it's all questions from the besties. Oh, hell yeah. My favorite. I know you love these. Well, it's going to be great. I love these. Kristen, are you ready for question number one? I'm super ready. Okay. This is from Natalie, and she says, 12 weeks postpartum, and my newborn is the easy one.

13:38My three-year-old is having explosive tantrums, and we don't know who this feral animal is and what happened to our sweet daughter. We're struggling with her huge feelings. Feral animal is an accurate description. i kind of can be like that in general i was literally took the words out of my mouth because i have a three-year-old and i think feral animal is a is a fairly accurate description right i mean i i'm gonna get to the new baby stuff because that's a that's that's a nice like thing that you can tangibly point to what might be behind this but also my anecdotally my three-year-old is an animal.

14:24I just want everyone to know this and feral. Like I'm worried about him going back to school because first of all, he's the youngest of two sisters. And so I realized his only interaction that he has with other people is like, you know, slapping each other and being like, no, mine. And then screaming at each other, like the way the siblings interact. And like for my older two, it wasn't that way. It was like, let's watch Daniel Tiger. Let's go to the library and make some friends. So first of all, if it makes you feel any better, my three-year-old big little feelings, three-year-old is walking into preschool, dropping F-bombs and being a literal animal.

15:05Probably is what I'm going to guess. Does that help? Three is a wild time. I think you definitely comforted this. I'm so glad for that. that's what I'm here for three in general I just have to say is like a wild time in brain development so that's why you see kind of like that rise in independence and the pushback and like that they want to do it they think they can do it and like you really can't do it that's really the conundrum there they want to do it and like your skills are pretty limited my little three-year-old friend And so it causes a lot of like, you know, pushback. And then, by the way, but the pushback can look voracious is the thing, too, where it's like they want to do these things.

15:55Sometimes we can let them do it, by the way. Right. So like, can your three year old help pour the milk? Can your three year old get a snot? Can your three year old help make a smoothie? Like there's a lot of times that we can sometimes avoid some of these problems because we're so used to them being our baby and being like, I'm going to do this or you're going to slice your finger open or whatever it is. Right. And so like at three, is there a moment where you can stop and pause and go, you know what? Maybe maybe we could try pouring cereal into the bowl together. Let's see how that goes. You know, how can you do the milk?

16:27Mine is like pretty independent now because we did practice that for so long. And it can take away a lot of the pushback because, as you know, a pushback can be as simple as, no, I do it with cereal. And you say, no, no, no, honey, like I need to do it. And all of a sudden they're on the floor. They're screaming. They're melting. Maybe they're hitting you. In my case, maybe they're swearing at you, calling you an effing whatever that he heard his dad say in the car the other day. Not good. so like can we give them a little bit more independence so that they're not continually having to do the like I do it and then you go no I do it and then they go on the floor that's like 101 now this also applies when it comes to new baby so my biggest piece of advice with I had a three-year-old when I had a newborn is as much independent helping that your child can do when it comes to the baby and making them feel super involved, super in charge, like you are so grateful for their help and you're excited.

17:33That's my biggest thing, because rather than kind of like separating them all the time and just like, God, stop, like, can you just whatever really bringing them in? And hey, can you grab me a diaper? Which diaper do you want? Do you want the Spider-Man diaper or the this diaper? Like, can you get Baba's milk or do you want to help me do the milk, as much as you can involve them and also just make them feel in charge in some way with the baby, it's going to really help this jealousy transition. Agreed. Kids love a job and three-neagers in particular love to be in charge and have a job. That is so smart.

18:07Unlike me. Unlike me. You know, I just want to lay in bed. Oh, oh, we're on the couch. You know, I'm not picky. Yeah. Anywhere. No, it's great. The other thing, though, is the new baby is a transition. And having just gone through postpartum myself not long ago here, I mean, you're sensitive, you're recovering, you don't feel great a lot of the time. Everybody needs you all the time. It's exhausting. So you are in a particular chapter, like you yourself, but then also So the whole transition does take time with baby. And it's not always going to be this way forever. That's for sure. They'll be running around and playing with each other soon.

18:57I know. Mine's about to walk. That's crazy. I know. Okay. You know what you truly don't understand until you become a parent? Is how little sleep you sometimes get. And it ebbs and it flows. There are chapters to this. Things change. And to be a nerd for a second, sleep is actually like really important for us. So it's good when we can get the most we can. And because our kids do spend so much time of their lives in their bed, like think about it, babies can sleep up to 16 hours a day in that thing. I actually do care about what they're sleeping on. And this is not a here's one more thing that you need to panic about as a parent type situation.

19:39We have enough of those. I just really appreciate when a company gives me good information and makes it really easy to make an informed choice. And that is what I like about Naturopedic. They make certified organic mattresses and bedding for basically the entire lifespan. Crib mattresses, kids mattresses, grown-up mattresses, pillows, bedding, all of it. So a lot of mattresses are actually made with polyurethane foam and flame retardants and vinyl and formaldehyde or other toxins commonly used. But Naturepedic has created mattresses that cut all of that out and give you firm support, good breathability, easy cleanup, and way, way, way safer materials.

20:21I have these in my home for my kids. I love them. And for my kids who are in that like two to six range right now, they have an organic kids mattress that has waterproofing on one side, and that is made from non-GMO sugar cane. So they are not breathing toxins while they lay on it. And at the same time, if there are accidents or somebody is sick in the night, it is so easy to clean up and I do not have to worry about liquids. I'm sorry. I know this is gross going into the mattress because that is gross. So I'm giving Naturopedic mattresses a 10 out of 10. I love them. So if you're needing a new mattress for your baby, for your kids, for yourself, could not recommend Naturopedic mattresses more.

21:07So if you're looking to make bedding a little easier for everyone in your house, visit naturepedic.com and use code FEELINGS for 20 % off site-wide. That's feelings at naturepedic.com. Back to school is a time where I instantly flashback to being a young person. And I know it's a long time ago, but whenever my kids go back to school, I flashback to the time where my outfit was the most important thing of the year. You know, like this was the Met Gala. This was the biggest party of the year, if you will, because I wasn't going to parties, obviously. This was like the moment to shine was when you walked in through those doors after the summer.

21:52You were a completely changed person. You were brand new. You had your new pencil case. You had your new outfit and you were ready. I feel like one year I went all skater, just total skater mode. I wasn't skating at all. But remember when that was popular? And then like another year, maybe fifth grade. I feel like I was a touch too old for it. It was like head to toe leopard pink, head to toe leopard pink, a velvet leopard pink. And I have no regrets. There were many bucket hats involved. I believe there were some overalls that were really exciting. God, it just gives me the fondest memories looking back on it.

22:28For everything this school year has in store, Ross has your style for 20 to 60 % off other retailers' prices. For kids, it's the ideal place to explore styles and help them get ready to start a new school year with new friends and a new class. Fun fact, Dina and her mom have been Ross people for as long as I have ever known them. I've known Dina since we were 12, 13 years old. We were knee deep in this back-to-school experience together for many, many, many years. And I have many fond memories of going to Ross with Dina, no joke, and her mom to pick out back to school shopping clothes. Isn't that crazy?

23:02Ross has absolutely everything for back to school shopping, from dorm room decorations, kids, school supplies and clothes for everyone. Find your local Ross at RossStores.com. OK, I don't know if you've had this experience, but like one of the strangest parts of having a baby is that you can somehow spend literally all day taking care of them and still go to bed wondering, did I actually spend enough time with my baby today? I fed him. I changed him. I got him dressed. I got him down for naps. I got him up for naps. I made food. I cleaned the food off of him. I did bath time. I carried him around for approximately seven straight hours.

23:39Like objectively, we've been together all day. But did I actually slow down and spend quality time with him the way I want to, the way I want to just soak them up, and especially this being my third baby, it hit me really hard. I've been trying really hard to stop convincing myself that connection with my baby needs to be another thing I have to fit into my day. We don't need to be Googling ways to bond with our baby. So instead, I'm choosing to really notice the moments that are already happening. And one of our most special moments recently is before bedtime when we put lotion on, and I give him his little massage and he looks at me and I smile with him and we just have our special time together.

24:22And I cannot say enough times how incredible the Aquaphor Baby Sensitive Lotion is. The new Aquaphor Baby Sensitive Lotion has a lightweight formula that instantly soothes and gently moisturizes baby's dry sensitive skin. Find the new Aquaphor Baby Sensitive Lotion now at Walmart, Amazon, and Target. Visit aquaphorus.com to learn more. Welcome to Over 50 and Flourishing, the podcast for any woman who feels like she's lost her compass in this sea of midlife. I'm Dominique Soxa, news anchor, current YouTuber, author, and like you, somebody who is still learning and growing and asking a whole lot of questions.

25:04It is never too late to change direction and rediscover the strong, wise, and beautiful woman within. That's why I created Over 50 and Flourishing, a podcast to help us navigate the changes, the challenges, the joy, and the freedom in this season. Here you're going to find honest conversations where we might laugh and cry all in the same hour. Let's flourish together in mind, body, and spirit. Nothing's off the table. New episodes every Monday, wherever you watch or listen.

25:39Okay. All right. Next question, girl. It's from Megan. What are you watching right now? What are you watching? We haven't talked about this. No, we haven't. What are you watching, Dina? You go first. Ugh, I'm in a lull. I just finished House of Dragons and now I've got nothing. I don't even know what to watch. House of what? House of Dragons? I don't know what that is. it's like a game of thrones kind of related series is that what you do yeah sometimes really wow i had no idea i had no idea that you watched those shows wow surprise i know really it was a big surprise okay but yeah i'm trying to watch i mean just to round this out i am trying to watch my life with the walter boys right now okay but i feel like there are too many series going on right now where it's like the girl is kissing both brothers and I'm like what what is the storyline and they're all blurring together I'm like how did we get here society what what is this I'm gonna say something and I know it's controversial because people love off campus and I love the book for the record and they're loving like a bunch of these shows and I think that it is the Walter boys one too is one of them.

26:56I'm a little bit uncomfortable watching teenagers like fuck and have these moments. It's like, I'm not there. Like heated rivalry. I'm there. It's a little different. It's a, it's like, it's for the adults. You know what I mean? Like that, that's okay to me, but I don't, I feel like I'm a touch too old to be into teenage romance. I get that. I can see that. I think that's actually part of what I'm experiencing trying to watch. I think you're experiencing. Yeah, you're experiencing like the mental, not the mental breakdown, but the midlife crisis of like, wait, I'm young. I'm flirty. Like, this is me.

27:36This was me yesterday. I need to have what is it, Garrett or whoever it is, you know, and then and then that's the crisis that men go through where they're like, wait a minute I need a sports car and a 20 year old right and mine's the opposite where I'm like I'm 65 babe there's no midlife for me like I want to see the two hockey players just straight up get down I don't need a fluffy fucking teenage love story okay we're past that we're past that guys wrap it up wrap it up Kristen just hit the core of why I'm having a midlife crisis we're done here. I'm just going to change shows and I'm going to be fine.

28:19Well, what happens if you watch Heated Rivalry? I don't know. Have you watched it? Wow. I hadn't considered that. No, I haven't yet. That might also not be great for your marriage, but OK, maybe I'll think about some shows you should be watching. Yeah, you're good at that. What are you watching? OK, this is gonna really devastate everyone no it won't i'm watching fucking nothing dina i'm going through an anxiety well not it's not because of my anxiety it's because i'm at capacity i don't have time to i don't have time to so like i used to needed that time for me after bedtime to like watch my bravo shows.

29:06I needed that like almost to not an unhealthy degree, but just in a rigid degree. Like if I couldn't have my one hour of my Bravo, then I couldn't go to sleep, you know? And yeah, you literally stay up late like to make that if I had to. Yeah. Like if I if something happened where like everything went too late, then I would have to I'd have to be like, OK, midnight. Wait, what are you doing now? What are you like choosing sleep or something? What are you doing? Yeah. Yes. I like read in my bed for just a few minutes and I have to go to sleep at like 9 15 because I am exhausted because part of it is not like that.

29:37I'm, I'm not like so anxious where the pre Lexapro days where like I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and I couldn't do whatever. This is like, I'm so far beyond the capacity of what my body can handle. I have to go to sleep at 9 15 to have a fighting shot at being able to make it through the next day. Like Like I am at capacity. This is a data point. I'm glad you're sleeping. That definitely should help. I'm sleeping really well. Really, really well. And I have no problems falling asleep. I don't have like racing thoughts or anything. I'm just like I have said yes to so many things that I am like I.

30:22Yeah, that's that's what it is. Like do you want to say yes to all these things? No. Yes. Actually. I do want to say yes then that's the problem it's the problem we have in our business too Dina you know how people will say that to us sometimes and they'll be like well you have to let one thing go and we're like well I can't and I won't because you're like I want to do I want we want to do the podcast we want to do this and this and this and this you know yeah that's the thing it's like okay all things that I want to say anyways we don't have to solve this right this second but the devastating things that I'm not watching anything.