friendship breakups and boundaries, advice session

0:00Emma Chamberlain:Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you, yes you, send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and then I, yes me, give you my own professional advice. And today's topic is a topic that we've touched on many a times here on Anything Goes and that would be the topic of friendship. But more specifically, friendship breakups and boundaries. Also known as the less fun part of friendship. The fun part of friendship is going and getting brunch together, going on a hike together, talking about your crushes together, talking about a funny YouTube video you saw the other day.

0:42Emma Chamberlain:You know, that's the fun part of friendship. The not fun part of friendship, friendship breakups and boundaries. Although I will say boundaries are not necessarily not fun. Boundaries can be awesome. and they can actually make a friendship more fun, I would argue. Friendship breakups, on the other hand, not fun. Nothing is fun about that. Long term, there can be relief, but short term, kind of sucks, kind of sucks. Boundaries, more awesome, still kind of uncomfortable. So we're going to be touching on some of the more uncomfortable parts of friendship today. And I must say, I am getting over the flu still.

1:20Emma Chamberlain:I've been getting over the flu for like a really long time. And so my voice kind of sounds like shit. Okay. And maybe I also was at karaoke like a week ago too. And my voice has just never recovered. I honestly need to take better care of my voice considering it's my job to talk, but it sounds like shit. And in my defense, I was at karaoke, but I didn't even get on stage and sing karaoke. I literally just watched and sang along. Okay. I sang along, but that was enough to fuck my voice up. In addition to the flu. It's like, I just, my pipes have been off. So ignore that and excuse that. Anyway, without further ado, let's begin.

1:58Emma Chamberlain:I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Hotels.com. Save Your Way is a new feature on Hotels.com, and it's as simple as it sounds. When you book a trip as a Hotels.com member, you decide how to use your savings. Take the instant savings now or bank the savings as rewards for later. It's your call. Only at hotels.com. Save Your Way is available to loyalty members in the US and UK on hotels with member prices. Other terms apply. See site for details. Now back to the episode. Somebody said, I want to end a friendship because it sucks the life out of me.

2:34Emma Chamberlain:But my friend doesn't know that because I don't think I make it obvious. So if I brought it up, it might make me seem crazy or seem random. What do I do? Well, this is interesting. It sounds like to me that you've never had a conversation with this friend about whatever it is that makes this relationship exhausting. You've never brought it up. Now, I don't know what your friend is doing, right? And that is helpful information. But I will say, in relationships, confrontation is key. That's what makes relationships grow, evolve. That's what allows relationships to continue through various chapters of life, right?

3:17Emma Chamberlain:If you're not communicating and confronting, it's very hard to keep a relationship going. And so I don't know what your friend is doing that sucks the life out of you. And that's a serious statement. I take that very seriously. You know, if this person's sucking the life out of you, that's a big problem and we need to fix that. However, if it's possible and fair to yourself, I think it's not a terrible idea before just jumping ship on the friendship to perhaps maybe bring up the exhausting traits, qualities about your friend to your friend before you just jump ship. I mean, listen, you got to be, you know, you want to be kind about it.

3:55Emma Chamberlain:You want to be gentle about it. You want to be empathetic about it. You want to remember that the person that you're confronting is a fellow human being, has feelings, even if what they're doing is a bummer. But you could gently, respectfully bring up your grapes with your friend, find a creative way to do that. And your friend might be like, oh, I didn't even notice that about myself. I'm so sorry. Wow. Thank you for letting me know. Like, you're right. You know, that's true. I'm going to work on that. And your friend might learn something about themselves through that experience and improve and grow from that experience.

4:27Emma Chamberlain:And they might, from that conversation, become a great friend to you once again, that doesn't suck the life out of you. I think if it's fair to yourself and it makes sense in this situation, meaning whatever this person is doing isn't so bad, so bad that, you know, it's like an obvious sort of choice to leave the relationship. I would say bring it up and give them a little chance to resolve it first. See what they do. And if they don't take this as a growth opportunity, if perhaps they're defensive upon the confrontation, if perhaps they are open to the criticism, the constructive criticism in the moment, but then they don't actually grow from that.

5:10Emma Chamberlain:Okay, then you can have a conversation. You can be like, you know what? We've talked about this before. It hasn't really changed. And it's something that really bugs me. And I don't think I can be in your life in the capacity that I'm in it now because I just can't handle that. That was definitely kind of therapy speak. I don't even go to therapy currently. So it's like, where did that come from? But that was sort of therapy speak. But then at that point, it's not coming out of left field. It's not coming out of nowhere. You've already brought this up. Your friend is aware that there's something about them that is challenging for you, perhaps challenging to many people.

5:49Emma Chamberlain:It's just a challenging trait in general. And you can feel good knowing that you gave them the chance. You gave them a heads up. And that was the most that you could do. And they are not going to feel like this is coming out of left field coming out of nowhere. You know what I mean? I think it doesn't hurt to bring it up and see what they do and then go from there. I think that that is potentially a great solution for you. I will say, though, if your friend is like doing something really wrong, like being really mean to you or I don't even know, like, you know, doing something that's sort of that's like super, super fucked up.

6:30Emma Chamberlain:Okay. Saying mean things about you bringing you down constantly, and you've never brought it up because you're like, I'm just trying to be chill. I'm trying to be a chill friend. You know, I don't want to, I don't want to stir the pot. Well, chances are, if your friend is doing something that bad, they know, they know that they're doing that. So if you bring it up, even if it comes out of left field, even if it kind of feels like it's coming out of nowhere, if it's something like that, if you bring it up and you say, you know what, I don't know, like, I really wanted to be friends with you. But you know, you you really hurt me in this way.

7:01Emma Chamberlain:You really suck the life out of me to use your own words. And this is why, if it's something that is actually deeply hurtful, and not just like, oh, they copy everything I do, or, oh, they always ditch me at parties and go talk to boys, other boys, or like, I'm just giving random examples of things that are not ideal, but also not necessarily a complete deal breaker, right? Those are things that could be worked through. Whereas like if somebody is not on your team, they're bringing you down, they're saying mean shit about you to your face. They're like trying to bring you down a peg constantly.

7:35Emma Chamberlain:And that's sucking the life out of you. Like that's a huge issue. And yes, I think that that's a valid reason to leave a friendship immediately. But I think if you bring that up, chances are they are going to know that they're doing that. and they're going to be very aware of that. And the second you say it, they're not going to be surprised that you're saying it. So don't be afraid of it coming out of left field. They probably already know that they're doing it. They just can't help themselves. They're in a bad place. They're insecure themselves. They can't help themselves. And you enable it in a way by not confronting it so they just think that they can continue to do it without repercussions.

8:09Emma Chamberlain:Yeah, in that case, if it's something like that, you don't have to be worried about what it looks like to them or if it's coming out of nowhere, like who cares? They're treating you like shit, like actually like shit. You know, it's not just like an annoyance, like a minor annoyance that may be resolvable or not. Like it's very clear, like that's not cool. And by the way, you can leave a friendship whenever, for whatever reason, that is completely your prerogative. But my advice would be if it's something or a collection of sort of more minor things, could be an interesting opportunity to practice your communication skills, Teach your friend about themselves a little more.

8:47Emma Chamberlain:Give them an opportunity to grow. And potentially even develop a stronger friendship, maybe. Otherwise, you bring it up. Who cares? And you have a heart-to-heart about it. And go from there. If your friend is like, oh my God, I am such an asshole to you. I'm so sorry. I'm going to try to be better. Hey, that could be awesome. And then you could potentially, you know, you can do that what you want. But if they're not like that, then that's the end of that. I will say, I mean, there also is a way to sort of slowly fizzle a friendship. If a friendship is sucking the life out of you, and maybe in your opinion, in your mind, you're like, bringing this up isn't even going to be helpful.

9:26Emma Chamberlain:Like sometimes people suck the life out of us that aren't even bad people. You know, good people can suck the life out of us. Trust me, I've experienced that many times. Sometimes it's just a compatibility issue. If that's the case, it is really hard to bring it up. How do you bring that up? You can't just be like, hey dude kind of just the way you are sucks oh yeah just your overall aura not for me that's tough you know you can't I don't know how do you even bring that up so if that's the case and that's why this friend sucks the life out of you you could try a slow fizzle you know I don't love that I don't love that because I think I do love communication but I also know that sometimes it does make more sense to just kind of slowly drift apart.

10:10Emma Chamberlain:You know, answers to texts become more and more sporadic, you know, drop a few more excuses to not hang out. I don't love that type of strategy. I would prefer to just say everything to everyone's face. But sometimes that's the way that makes the most sense. If the reason why you want to distance yourself from someone is not because they've done anything wrong, but just because you don't really like their vibe. Oops. Oops. Anyway. Okay, next. This episode is brought to you by eBay Tell me if I'm alone here But shopping used to feel more fun Before all the algorithm-fed blah And the endless sea of dupes But I have a confession I found that fun feeling again On eBay It's not mindless scrolling It's a fashion pursuit And when you score that rare sneaker Or that bag you've been manifesting It's a rush eBay has millions of pre-loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by eBay authenticity guarantee.

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11:43Emma Chamberlain:Now back to the episode. Somebody said, what do I do if I want to move on from being friends with certain people, but I feel like they have a lot of vulnerable and personal information about me, and I'm scared of how they will use that in the future. Oh my God, I could not resonate with something more. this is an anxiety that plagues me all of the time all of the time it's funny because I think my career is rooted in my openness to talk about almost anything and I am just such an open book by nature I was like born this way this is it's in my blood it's in my DNA it's who I am as a person. I just am okay with, I love, I love being vulnerable.

12:28Emma Chamberlain:I love being open. I love having heart to hearts with people. Like this is what life is about for me. This is like my purpose on this planet. It feels like is to just have really vulnerable conversations for whatever reason, I was born and I just, I'm not afraid of it. Right. I'll talk about anything, anything for the most part. And even if it's something embarrassing, even if it's something really vulnerable, even if it's something that most people wouldn't want to say about themselves, like, I don't care. I will pretty much say anything about myself for the sake of human connection. Now, in some ways, that's a beautiful thing because we do connect with one another through vulnerability, right?

13:07Emma Chamberlain:Like, think about a time when you're at a party or something, and maybe the vibe in the room was a little tense. And then somebody made a vulnerable joke or told a vulnerable story. Next thing you know, the room is moving different. It feels different. People are connecting more. It's, you know, kind of a veil was lifted. Things are a bit more clear. There's a bit more connection happening. Like, that's how it is. You know, like, think about the first vulnerable conversation you had with your best friend, and how that was the moment that you both really truly connected for the first time, or a romantic partner, the list goes on, you know, like, vulnerable conversations are how we connect with other people.

13:46Emma Chamberlain:You're not connecting with people over small talk? You're not. And so, you know, it's a crucial ingredient, in my opinion, in any sort of meaningful conversation or relationship, right? Vulnerable conversation, storytelling, admitting to one's shortcomings, the list goes on, right? That's how we connect with each other. Now, that's a beautiful thing. It works wonders. However, it's also really scary, You know, even though I'm someone who's unbelievably comfortable talking about almost literally anything and everything. Like there are also things where I'm like, that was a private story. You know what I mean?

14:25Emma Chamberlain:I told that person because I wanted that person to know, but I don't necessarily want everyone to know that. Like even I have my limits as a complete open book. You know, there are just certain things where I'm like, no, I'm good. I want to be more sparing with that. And this is just the nature of friendship, right? You share vulnerable, sensitive information with one another to get closer. And that's what differentiates you with your friends and you with a stranger. You know what I mean? You tell your friends your deepest, darkest secrets, right? You're not telling a stranger your deepest, darkest secrets, unless you're drunk.

15:02Emma Chamberlain:and there's a certain like vibe happening. Sometimes it feels good to tell a stranger your deepest, darkest secrets. And by the way, I don't always think that that's wrong. Sometimes that's actually a safer option because those people don't know the people in your circle. You know what I mean? It's actually kind of like a vault of sorts. But anyway, I understand this anxiety because not only am I a super open book, meaning that I will probably share more than the average person, putting me in a more vulnerable position than the average person. But on top of that, I'm also an incredibly anxious person.

15:31Emma Chamberlain:I'm an overthinker. I am a bit obsessive at times. And so I'm sort of set up for failure here because those two qualities definitely clash, right? Because oversharing, or not even oversharing, but being vulnerable puts you in a position where you're a little bit out of control. And being anxious makes you crave control. The problem is that you feel out of control. So those traits of mine definitely clash. So I really relate to this feeling. But the first thing I want to say, which I already really said, is that unfortunately, this is sort of an inevitable part of friendship, right? You are going to share vulnerable stories.

16:09Emma Chamberlain:You are going to talk about things that you don't talk about with other people. You are going to share sensitive information. That's a huge part of friendship. But also, it's sometimes necessary for friendships to end. And now you're in a situation where someone that you no longer want to spend time with has sensitive information about you, right? They know things about you that other people don't know. This person's about to become a stranger to you again, and they know things about you that are sensitive to you. The nice thing about strangers usually is that they don't know anything about you.

16:42Emma Chamberlain:You don't know anything about them. And that's exactly how it is. It's a little bit awkward. It's a little bit weird. It's a little bit uncomfortable. It's a little bit unnerving when there's a stranger that knows a lot about you. You know what I mean? That's uncomfortable. And that is sort of the situation when you stop being friends with somebody. They're about to go back to being a stranger, but this time they know a lot about you. That is not great. That doesn't feel great because the trust is sort of gone. The allegiance is gone. The loyalty is gone. There might even be some hurt feelings.

17:13Emma Chamberlain:That's the scariest part. Is this person mad that we're not friends anymore? Are they going to go tell everybody about the time I shit myself at my birthday party and then broke up with my boyfriend and then broke my kneecap and then threw up? Are they going to tell everyone about that because they're mad? Maybe they might. In fact, they probably will. They also might not. But they definitely might. And that's the hardest part about all this. They definitely might. and this is something I have had to come to terms with okay and it's been really uncomfortable and challenging for me I've had to accept that in attempt to become close to people in this life I'm going to tell them stories that then are theirs you know what I mean like I'm I'm giving them a piece of myself in a way and if the friendship doesn't work out it is out of my control completely what they do with that.

18:12Emma Chamberlain:Now, I think the first step to handling this discomfort is to accept the worst case scenario. A lot of times with anxiety, this is the best approach. Accept the worst case scenario. Okay, what's the worst case scenario? This person that you're no longer friends with goes out and tells everyone one of your deepest, darkest secrets. Okay, what is the worst case scenario from that? Does that secret hurt somebody's feelings? is it deeply embarrassing you know what is it and then run through the entire scenario okay if this person goes and they tell everyone this thing about me or this thing that I said or this thing that I did okay well now that's that might be information that's a little bit more public okay if this calls me to action I need to do something to solve this okay what is my plan you know how do I how do I solve this problem do I need to call someone up and apologize do I need to just accept the fact that people know something embarrassing about me, work through the worst case scenario, find a solution, create a solution, make a plan for the worst case scenario.

19:14Emma Chamberlain:And you'll realize, okay, this isn't great. This isn't ideal. This isn't fun. But I could handle this if the worst case scenario happens. If me and this person stop being friends, and all of my secrets get aired out to the world, which probably won't even happen, right? Like, yeah, maybe they'll tell a few people about a few things, maybe if it's even that interesting to them, maybe, but it probably won't even extend out that far. Like it'll probably never even get back to you. You'll probably never even know that. You'll never even hear about it. It'll probably never be an issue again. But for your own sanity and peace of mind, take it all the way to the furthest degree, the worst case scenario, and then come up with a plan in your head.

19:57Emma Chamberlain:But I will say though, too, I'm making people sound bad, right? Like, well, they might go around and tell people. Yeah, they might tell like one of their friends something that you said one time, maybe. But like, I feel like for the most part, people really are good and they don't want to like sabotage you. I mean, that does happen. Sure. But it's not super common. You know, I think at worst, usually, at worst, usually you might get gossiped about in like a small circle. but it won't extend outside of that, you know? And who cares about that? Because here's the deal. You can't stay in a friendship just because someone has sensitive information about you.

20:38Emma Chamberlain:And listen, I've been tempted. I've been tempted. I find that usually what ends up stressing me out is when I've had a heart-to-heart to somebody about, I don't know, someone else, okay? Not about me. I'm having a heart-to-heart with somebody about someone else. I'm talking about someone else. Maybe not even necessarily badly, but more like vulnerably, analytically, whatever. I'm talking about someone else to someone that I'm friends with, right? Again, it's not even necessarily talking shit, but maybe just talking about someone else, okay? In a vulnerable way for like, not in, yeah, it's not even in a gossipy way.

21:16Emma Chamberlain:It's just in like a, I'm sharing information about somebody else to my friend, right? That is what ends up making me anxious. I don't really care about stories that I tell about myself, that doesn't really bother me. It's more like, oh, shit, I told this person about I gave this person information about somebody else. Now I'm uncomfortable because they know this thing about somebody else and I don't want them to like hurt this person, if that makes sense. That's usually what ends up triggering my anxiety and making me afraid. And so you know what I've had to learn over the years? I really shouldn't do that.

21:49Emma Chamberlain:And I still am working on that. Like it's like we learn what our boundaries are, what we feel comfortable with, what's okay with us, you know, over the years. And I'm still working on figuring out what I'm comfortable with sharing with friends, deep down knowing that at some point we might not be friends anymore. And information that we shared in private and in confidence and in a safe environment might not be safe forever, you know? But it's tough because, yeah, you don't know what they're going to do with it. You don't know. They might keep it to themselves forever. They might tell all their friends.

22:21Emma Chamberlain:They might make a fucking TikTok about it. You don't know. But you cannot remain in a friendship just because you're afraid of the information that they have. You can't do that. You'll torture yourself for no reason, too, because majority of the time, the worst case scenario doesn't even come to pass. It won't even get back to you. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that one piece. You know the one, the thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people. eBay is where you'll find those one-of-a-kind, can't-stop-researching, stay-up-dreaming about pieces again and again.

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23:39Emma Chamberlain:I think when there's bad blood, there's a higher likelihood of some sort of gossipy situation. but also too that's going to just create more anxiety and discomfort in you okay and number two learn from this experience and moving forward have clear boundaries with yourself about what you're comfortable telling friends knowing deep down that this could happen again and that's something that I think is an ongoing journey at least for me like I I am still learning what I'm okay with telling friends um and it's really hard not to just tell them everything because when friends with somebody. It's like, I love you.

24:15Emma Chamberlain:You're like my family. Like, let me just tell you everything. But this type of shit does happen. Even, but see, I think this is actually a worse situation when it's like not your closest, bestest friends in the world, but rather like a friend, but one that maybe you don't trust 100%. It's not like this person's family to you. I think that's the most complicated kind of person in this sort of situation. Like that's usually when it gets really stressful. Next, somebody said, I love my friends, but they always want to hang out. And I just love my alone time so much. How do I set those boundaries without them thinking I'm rude?

24:50Emma Chamberlain:I don't want them to stop inviting me places, but sometimes I just really need my alone time. Okay, this is not personal, right? This has nothing to do with your friends. You love your friends. You just also sometimes need your alone time. And perhaps your friends have more spare time than you, or they're just more extroverted than you. And so they have more energy to be hanging out more often. Don't even feel guilty about this for a second. You're doing nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong here. This is so easy. And I'm not saying that to like degrade your feelings or to devalue your feelings or to undermine your feelings.

25:22Emma Chamberlain:I'm saying this to like give you a sense of peace. My God, this is easy. Okay. It's all about the tone you use when you shoot down a plan. It's that simple. Okay. People get weird. People get butthurt when you're like, oh man, I can't today. Sorry. No punctuation, no emoji, no reassurance, no nothing. Just straight to the point rejection. That's when people start to get a vibe and they're like, wait, is this person mad at me? Does this person not like hanging out with me? Does this person not like us? Like, what's the issue? That's when things go wrong is when the tone is wrong. But a little bit of extra effort when it comes to communication can go so far.