growing is so uncomfortable lol

0:00A dinner that I eat frequently is pasta with tomato sauce, some veggies, and some sort of cheesy topping, either like Parmesan cheese or nutritional yeast, which is like a vegan, cheesy, weird alternative.

0:15Emma Chamberlain:In the last two nights that I've eaten it, about 10 minutes post-consumption of the meal, I've developed a really bizarre rash on my elbows, knees, and ears. okay? Itchy red patches on my elbows and knees and hot burning red ears. What is that? I googled it. I didn't figure anything out. I don't really know what's going on. But if you're wondering why my aura is off, if my aura even is off, I can't tell if it's off. It's really hard to read your own aura. You can do it. It's possible. But it's kind of hard. If my aura seems off to you, it's because I'm having an active allergic reaction right now.

0:55Emma Chamberlain:I don't know. I don't know what it is. Like, is it the tomato sauce? Am I allergic to tomatoes? Well, that will suck because I love tomato based things. I love ketchup. Does this mean I can't eat ketchup anymore? I love dipping a fry in ketchup. Even more sad. This is one of my go to dinners. I love this dinner. I love a big bowl of pasta with red sauce with tomato sauce. I love that. Am I allergic to broccoli? that's my favorite vegetable. And that's what was in the pasta the last two nights. I had broccoli in there. I'm bummed right now. So if my aura's off, it's because my body is a mystery to me right now.

1:31Emma Chamberlain:It is a mystery. And I will get to the bottom of it. And I may keep you posted. But either way, I'm giving an aura disclaimer. If the aura's off, that's why. The aura also might be off because of the topic of this episode. Although I will say, I feel like the phase of life that I'm in right now isn't necessarily destroying my aura. Like, I don't feel like my aura completely sucks. However, I'm definitely in a stage of limbo in my life right now in a way that's undeniably deeply uncomfortable for me. And I don't think it's putting me into a bad place that's like emanating bad vibes out of me, but I'm definitely a little bit uncomfortable.

2:15Emma Chamberlain:and that's what I'm going to be talking about today, the phase of life that I'm in. And to be honest, I didn't write an outline for this episode and I'm normally very type A in particular about writing outlines for every single podcast episode to ensure that there's a flow and it's easy to follow, but I didn't do that today and that freaks me out. But that also kind of goes hand in hand with what I'm going through in my life right now, which is what I would call a growth stage. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Hotels.com. Save Your Way is a new feature on Hotels.com and it's as simple as it sounds.

2:53Emma Chamberlain:When you book a trip as a Hotels.com member, you decide how to use your savings. Take the instant savings now or bank the savings as rewards for later. It's your call, only at Hotels.com. Save Your Way is available to loyalty members in the US and UK on hotels with member prices. Other terms apply. See site for details. Now back to the episode. I feel like I'm growing right now, okay? In a way that makes me very uncomfortable, because growing is uncomfortable. But see, the thing is, it's one thing to grow on like a micro scale, like in one area of your life. It's another thing to be growing on a broader scale, like in multiple areas of life at once.

3:39Emma Chamberlain:And right now I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm 360 growing. I'm growing in every single category of my life. I don't feel solid necessarily in any area of my life. And it's definitely very chaotic and uncomfortable, but I also know that it's awesome and it's crucial. And I think the purpose of today's episode is not to necessarily share with you my solution on how to handle an uncomfortable growth phase that sort of feels like a limbo, but rather just share what I'm going through, because that's kind of all I know how to talk about right now. You know, it's hard to talk about anything else when you're in a phase like that.

4:24Emma Chamberlain:And it's fascinating because it genuinely applies to every single category in my life. Okay, let's break down the categories of life. There's mental health, mental well-being. Okay, that's one area. There's career and job. There's social life, interacting with other people. There's purpose, like your goals and your purpose in life, morals, values, goals, purposes, you know, that category. What else? I feel like that's it. Oh, there's also love, romance, potentially, for some of us. I would say I'd break my life down into those five categories. I mean, there's probably more, but I just can't think of them right now.

5:09Emma Chamberlain:And I will say I'm in an uncomfortable growth period in every single one. Let's walk through it. Starting with my mental health and well-being, Okay. If you're familiar with me, you know, my mental health challenges consist of anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, control freakism, imposter syndrome. I can get depressed. I'm not really depressed right now. Whoa. Loving that. Loving that. Loving that that one's not rearing its ugly head right now. But that does happen sometimes. It's been a while, though. That's sort of who I am. Right. And I think I'm at a point right now where I've sort of enabled those brain neuropathways for so long, and I've not really addressed the root of those issues.

6:05Emma Chamberlain:Like, I've just kind of put a lot of band-aids on those challenges. you know like for example if I'm super anxious because one of my parents didn't answer the phone and I start spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and spiraling about you know what if something happened to them okay what has been the solution to that up until this point it's been let me get a hold of them okay and then once I get a hold of them I can let go of that anxiety but see that's not really getting to the root of the problem that's just a band-aid getting a hold of them and proving to myself that my anxiety was false, you know, that is not necessarily a full-on solution because that doesn't help me develop any tools moving forward.

6:48Emma Chamberlain:I've kind of been Band-Aid methoding. And something that I'm particularly struggling with right now mentally is, ironically, I have some things going on in my life that are really good. Like, I've been blessed with a few blessings in my life as of recent in a way that has been very profound for me, in a way that I am unbelievably grateful for, okay? And instead of just being grateful and stoked about the blessings in my life, if you will, I've found myself actually kind of unable to process that I can receive such blessings. And instead of enjoying these things, I'm more anxious and paranoid and freaked out than ever.

7:38Emma Chamberlain:and I've tried, you know, all the things that I know how to do, right? Mindfulness, even weird little things like imagining a stop sign in my head when I start spiraling about how well things are going, perhaps getting myself back on track in that way, slowing down, you know, blah, blah, blah. I've tried all the things that usually work and they're not working this time. I'm finding that I'm convincing myself that I don't deserve these things and that because I've received certain blessings, that now means that I'm going to be cursed. And that's definitely an OCD brain thing, right? And it's bad.

8:18Emma Chamberlain:It's really bad. And it's really uncomfortable. And it's really ruining. It's not ruining, actually. Let's be gentle here. It's not ruining. But it's making it very hard for me to enjoy the moment. when I know, and this is advice I've given on this podcast, I know how important it is to enjoy the moment and to not worry about certain good things being taken away. Listen, when Benson Boone said, please stay, I won't. Wait, what did he say? He's like, these beautiful things that I've got. That's like me right now. That's literally me right now being Like, don't take it away. Okay. And I think that's somewhat normal, right?

9:02Emma Chamberlain:To be so grateful for, you know, certain things in life that come into your life that then you sort of spiral about how you could fuck it up or ruin it. But see, for me, my brain takes it a step further. And instead of just being like, oh, all of these beautiful things that, you know, have entered my life, I'm not even worried about those things getting ruined. I'm like worried about somehow it's triggered my brain to then be anxious about just catastrophe in general in my life. Like I'm, things feel really nice right now in a way. And it's making me afraid of like major catastrophe unrelated to actually the blessings in my life, if that makes sense.

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10:30Emma Chamberlain:It's like a friend telling you that they've got tea, only for them to mean like tea tea. You know, English breakfast, peppermint green. Not the juicy gossip you were expecting. You wouldn't sit there pretending you're satisfied with hot water and leaves, so don't settle for just any insurance. When it comes to getting the help you need, State Farm is the real deal. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Now back to the episode. I've been really grappling with this. And I'll be honest, I do not have the solution. And I've even been thinking like, is this something that I need help with? Like a little more help, you know?

11:05Emma Chamberlain:Like, is it time to talk to a professional? And I'm wondering that. And it probably is. But see, the thing is, I'll always give that advice to other people. but when it's myself, I'm, you know, much quicker to say, no, no, no, I got this handled. And by the way, that's sometimes true. Maybe I do. But I think I'm having a moment of growth with my mental health maintenance where I'm like, ooh, I'm starting to wonder if I need a little more help with this. And I don't know if that is the answer or not yet necessarily, or if I'm going to have some sort of epiphany or I'm going to develop some sort of coping mechanism that's, or not even coping mechanism, but some skill that helps me with this on my own, that's also possible, you know, but I am realizing that the way that I've been managing my mental health challenges is maybe not working anymore.

12:00Emma Chamberlain:Like it's almost like the monster inside of my brain is, has grown. Now I need a bigger sword and I'm not sure how I'm going to, where I'm going to get that sword? Okay. I'm not really sure what that sword looks like. Is it super long? Does it have a super dramatic handle? Is it more short and minimalist in its style? You know, like I don't really know right now, but I'm on the precipice. Like I I'm, I'm on the precipice of like, something's got to change. You know what I'm saying? I can't live like this. I'm realizing. And I think admitting that is necessary in growing through it. But I think the problem is I don't really know what to do.

12:46Emma Chamberlain:Only time will tell, you know, and I'm kind of going to let myself discover the solution with time. But it's just an uncomfortable period right now where I'm like, ooh, this is a big problem, you know, and it's gotten a bit worse. And I think it getting a bit worse made me realize, okay, I need to, I need to figure out how I'm going to slay this demon and I need to find my weapon. And I don't know what my weapon is. But I will say I'm really working hard right now, as I'm in this limbo in this particular area in my life, to put myself in uncomfortable positions to encourage more growth. Okay, for example, I'm about to leave for a trip.

13:24Emma Chamberlain:And I'm actually very excited about this trip. You know, it's a work trip, but it's gonna be really fun. And on this particular trip, I'm not going with any of my safety blankets. Okay. I'm not taking my parents. I'm not taking any of my close friends. I'm going pretty much completely alone. And there will be people in my travels that I know and love and am very close to, but like, I'm not going on this trip with anyone, right? Like there's no one staying down the hall. And on this particular trip, I'm stopping in a few places. And there's no one who's going to be like a consistent person there with me through my travels.

14:05Emma Chamberlain:And that's been really anxiety inducing for me, not because I'm worried about being alone. I'm okay with that right now. I've done some work on that because I became very dependent on traveling with others for a little while there. And it kind of caused anxiety for me. Then I became really anxious about traveling alone because it became really unfamiliar. And then I encouraged myself to travel alone a few times and I got over that fear and it was very successful. And I'm feeling much more comfortable traveling alone. However, on this particular trip that I'm leaving for, I'm struggling with anxiety about, okay, I feel like I'm going to go on this trip and while I'm gone, something bad's going to happen and I'm going to be really far away from home.

14:47Emma Chamberlain:And because I am going to be particularly far away from home, I'm going to Europe. I mean, that always feels kind of jarring to me because it is so far away. You know, it's a 10-hour flight from California where my whole family is and whatever, and where most of my loved ones are. And for whatever reason, I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that. And I've even considered canceling the trip, honestly. I was like, I don't even know if I want to do this. You know, but there's opportunities, work opportunities that I'm stoked about that I will get to do on this trip. But then my brain is like, well, you being stoked about this trip means that something bad's gonna happen.

15:25Emma Chamberlain:What if something bad happens while you're gone? My brain is having a hard time just enjoying the moment right now in a way that I think is particularly bad. And so I'm curious to see what happens because I'm not canceling the trip. I'm going to go. And I think what I'm trying to remember is that it doesn't matter if I'm on this trip or not. Bad things can happen at any time. Bad things also might not happen at any time. Like it doesn't, I think my brain likes to conflate like, oh, if good things are happening in your life, then that means balance must ensue. And that means bad things must happen too.

16:02Emma Chamberlain:And that's just not real. That's literally just my anxiety and my OCD fucking with me. It's not real, you know? And I know that this trip is going to be psychologically challenging for me, which sounds ridiculous to say, because it's like, wow, I'm about to go have like a very one, like I could have a really wonderful time and a very productive time. And, but instead my brain is choosing to catastrophize. And as much as I want to just cancel it and stay home and be close to everybody and not go do that, I'm going to go do that. And I think this trip will really help inform me in what my next move is.

16:41You know, if I have some sort of epiphany or real growth moment, then okay, you know, that might be a sign that I'm developing the skills I need to handle it on my own.

16:51Emma Chamberlain:And if not, then maybe it's time to involve perhaps a professional who can help me with my brain because I'm not playing around anymore. It's gotten to that point now and we'll see what ends up happening. So that's where I'm at with my mental health and well-being. Now let's discuss where I'm at in my career, okay? I am in a really uncomfortable growth period in my career where it is not clear to me where I want to go next. And I know that there's something, you know what I mean? I feel it in my bones. I'm like, there's something coming next, perhaps, but I don't know what it is exactly. But I know that it's not anything that I've done before.

17:40Emma Chamberlain:And I know that because I watch my YouTube videos, for example. I can't even try to listen to my podcast episodes. I do not listen to them. I can't. But like I watch my YouTube videos, for example, and I cringe. Even at like the last video I made a month and a half ago or whatever, two months ago. Even that video I cringe at. And I just made that. I know, like, I'm cringing at everything I've ever done right now, which is a totally normal part of growth, especially in a more creative career. You're going to cringe. You're going to cringe at stuff when you've outgrown it. And I feel like I've outgrown a lot of what I've done thus far in my career.

18:24Emma Chamberlain:and I feel like Emma as a 24, almost 25 year old is ready for the next chapter. But unfortunately for me, I don't know what that is yet. I really don't know. And I've been trying to figure it out for a few months, but it's not coming to me as quickly as I wish it would. And the most painful part about that is I'm forced to look back at what I've done before and I'm not satisfied with it. You know, it makes me uncomfortable because I've grown past it. But then I don't quite know yet what my next form of say expression is. I don't really know what it is. I know I'm kind of taught, it sounds like I'm speaking in code.

19:06Emma Chamberlain:It's so vague, but it's also vague to me. I don't even know what I want to do. Like, listen, I have some ideas kind of percolating in my head, but nothing is solid enough for me to take action. And it's driving me nuts a little bit, And especially as somebody who's super type A, kind of a victim to hustle culture, like struggles with attaching my self-worth to my work ethic. That's something I work on. And it's very important to me because that's an unhealthy thing to do. I'm somebody who's prone to that, right? I have a tendency to fall into that. And I'm struggling because I don't feel like I'm making anything right now.

19:48Emma Chamberlain:And it's because I don't have any ideas that really feel right. And that's so normal, right? Especially, again, in this particular career path that's more creative, it's less of a schedule. It's very odd. You know, it's a very odd layout. And I'm aware of that. But I'm struggling because I'm not very productive. I don't feel very productive right now, in a way. Like, I want to make something so bad. Like, I want to make something, you know? And when I say I want to make something, I think for me, ultimately, that is entertainment of some sort, right? I guess some could say that I'm on the internet making entertainment, really, I guess if you were to boil it down.

20:29Emma Chamberlain:I mean, I think there's a little bit more to it. I think I kind of teeter between entertainment and weirdly, like, connection and conversation and vulnerability and whatever. It's like, which isn't necessarily inherently entertaining always, but it does serve some sort of purpose in that way. I want to make something, I want to, I have this, I'm burning up, I'm burning on the inside. Like it's burning a hole into me, but I don't know what it is yet. Like, I feel like, yeah, it's driving me nuts. And I feel immense guilt as well too. Like, I think especially on YouTube in particular, like I, I want to make YouTube videos so bad.

21:08Emma Chamberlain:And I noticed some people, this might sound so fucking stupid. It's like, yeah, then make one idiot, idiot, make one, literally make one. Like what, what are you talking about? I know, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel the most proud of what I'm doing when it's like coming from the right place. And I'm not just making something to make it, but I'm making something and there's some sort of purpose in it for me. And yeah, I'm just not really clear on it all right now. And I don't really know what my next chapter is. And it's been really hard on my self-esteem, honestly, because as I mentioned, you know, I'm a perfectionist and I attach my sense of self to my productivity at times.

21:55Emma Chamberlain:There's been somewhat of an ego death in all of this. And again, from the outside looking in, it might not be clear, but I've spent so many days at home staring at the ceiling, thinking, getting nothing done. And that's a part of this career path. You know what I mean? That is a part of it. If your job is creative, that is inevitable. You're not going to be able to get stuff done all the time. And I know that, but I will say that this particular phase that I'm going through right now has been the longest I think I've ever experienced where I'm just kind of empty. And I think the other thing is too, is that I know the truth, which is that when in a phase like this, it's very important to live life because like not to completely isolate myself and just stare at the ceiling 24 seven, right?

22:42Emma Chamberlain:Okay. Maybe like eight, five. No, maybe eight, four, eight hours a day, four days a week, maybe. 24-7, not good, right? As a creative person, you have to live your life in order to find inspiration for things. That's where you find inspiration for things. And that's where you get ideas. And I struggle with that at times. And especially recently, you know, I've really had to force myself to continue to live my life and not just lock myself away until I come up with the ideas I want to come up with. but I know the truth, which is that I need to go out and live my life in order to come up with those ideas.

23:19Emma Chamberlain:So it's safe to say it's a clusterfuck in my brain right now about that. And listen, again, it's not even like a bad thing. I know, like I'm not completely spiraling into oblivion about it, but it's definitely very uncomfortable to feel sort of aimless, to feel like I don't know what my next move is, to feel like I'm not satisfied with anything I've ever made before. And again, it's all a normal part of it. But like an ego death comes from that. An ego death comes from that. In a way, you know, I'm forced to sort of really check in right now and make sure that my sense of self is not just coming from my productivity and my career, because I don't feel like I have it all sorted right now, you know?

24:03Emma Chamberlain:And I will say too, it's interesting because again, like on the surface, it might not seem like that because there's a lot of things going on career-wise for me that are like years in the making, things that I've been working on for years that are just coming out now, which is very exciting. But at the same time, like I'm thinking about what I want to work on next. And I think that's what I'm struggling with, right? Having things come out now that I've been working on for years or whatever, that's awesome. But unfortunately, my brain is like, okay, but you got to figure out what you're doing next.

24:34Emma Chamberlain:and that's where I'm sort of confused. And I think I know the answer to this and it's that I can't force it. I can't force it. I can't force it out of me. I need to be more patient with myself and I can't expect the answers to come to me when I'm trying to force them to come to me. And that's just the particular dynamic. That's just the dynamic that comes with any sort of creative job. There are gonna be times where you're completely brain empty and that's where I'm at. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card.

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25:58Emma Chamberlain:Maybe that's one of the only areas right now where I don't feel uncomfortable. I feel pretty good. I have great friends. I'm making new friends lately that I'm loving. I'm in a really good spot socially. I will say the only thing that's maybe making me a little bit uncomfortable right now, there is a little bit of growth going on in this category. It's just not as obvious as the other categories of my life. I will say one thing that I struggle with is I have a really hard time with not wanting to hang out with people. Let me explain. Sometimes you meet people and you just get a vibe. And immediately you're like, this is somebody I just click with.