Crack, Heroin, Prostitution & Prison: Essex Bad Girl’s Brutal Truths

48:09yeah um they were older yes but i mean i knew i think where i had bad experiences and also you know from dealers the young you know the fucking naughty like i've been beat up a lot as well you know i've had fucking samurai swords to my throat by somalians i actually got beat up once right proper beating up i was going to cut off all my hair and everything um i walked out there like fucking i don't know what they thought i said we're gonna i'm gonna get someone to run up in their trap i don't talk like that though i rang up one day to score off these people and um anyway the phone was left on and I was talking to my mate on the way up there and I was like I need to get my little sister's phone back I'd pawned my little sister's phone or something like that and I was going I need to get my little sister's phone back they thought I was saying run up in their trap I didn't even know if I meant at the time but run up in their trap means rob someone apparently so anyway I've walked into it I got beaten the fuck out of I mean I think I've had a lot of bad experiences towards the end I was sick and tired of getting involved in it all that sort of way yes I fucking hated what I had to do but in a way I was safer that way by being away from all that the younger lot it's just fucking crazy I've been stabbed in the leg twice I did take the money though that time so I deserved that but I didn't deserve it but you know what I mean I did do it that time yeah I think I felt like I was all I had the money I would literally go score come back that was it they'd give me the money do you know what I mean for what I had to do rather than being out and amongst it all that dangerous shit robbing people and, you know, because, yeah, again, I've been out, most of the brokes I went out with are quite naughty geezers, do you know what I mean?

50:32I always seem to go for that type. But, you know, it was all right when I was with them and they was out robbing people because they're men. When I'm on my own and I'm bumping into people, I'm fucked. Do you know what I mean? What am I going to do? So, yeah, in the end, I think I was... Had enough of fucking, I'd get my head kicked in. How much were you spending a day on drugs? A lot. I mean, I could spend anything. Fucking hell. I could spend grand. Easy. Easy. I could spend that in a day. I just, especially when I was snowballing, it was just one after the other, after the other, after the other.

51:18Never ending. and then obviously I got onto just smoking crack in the end because I thought I'd be better off that way actually was fucking worse because I didn't have no gear to come down with I weren't smoking gear towards the end smack it was just crack on its own but I would spend thousands What was it like injecting crack and heroin for the first time? That took me to a whole different level of addiction and injecting crack and heroin was like, I don't know. It's hard to explain the buzz, but at that point in my life, I'd never experienced anything like that in my life. It was better than anything at that time, better than sex, better than fucking anything.

52:09And, yeah, I loved it. I absolutely fucking loved it at the beginning. I couldn't get enough of them. I was doing anything and everything to get it you know I nearly lost my fucking leg twice from banging up snowballs in my groin I used to inject in my groin that's what I've got no trap marks or anything anywhere I've got two tiny little scars on my groin but I was in hospital from nearly losing my leg discharged myself and went banged up straight in my groin again like it's pure fucking insanity and that's what I mean addiction you know people like whatever you want to call it whether it's an illness or disease or whatever it is you know it takes people to the gates of fucking insanity or death i mean it's the only things you're only going to get prison a mental institution or death with addiction nine times out of ten.

53:08What prison were you in for the six years? That was Peterborough and Downview. I have done, I've done Medway, Rainsbrook, Oak Hill, Holloway, Peterborough and Downview. So I've done about six hours, three years. What's the worst thing about prison? You're on your own in there and you've got to fucking, do you know what I mean, stand your stand your ground but you seem to get I seem to get on the right in there but I'd probably say the fucking paedophiles in women's jowls really in the sense of they're not we're not split up you don't know who really you're talking to I would try and keep myself to myself as much as I could um I mean I had proper like pals I spent two years on the same wing with one woman Lauren her name was um I've got some really good mates from prison really really really good mates that I've met over the years but I've also met a fucking lot of wrong ones as well you know the screws a lot of them are fucking corrupt do you know I mean it's all just um it's crazy it's not what people think it is at all there's people from all all you know walks of life in there yeah you just had mixing with each other obviously the noncies in the men's prison get put in a different wing yeah but you had mixing with the noncies the women predators yeah yeah it's fucking disgusting mate which woman was in uh fucking hell i mean i was never actually on the same wing as any of them what was that girl's name a few years ago charlie someone i'm sure her name was charlie she killed her and her partner killed her son he was like eight or something like that eight or ten and it fucking um terrorised him.

55:15Like, you know, like, tortured him. He was eight, that poor little boy. Do you know what I mean? So imagine all the shit that he's fucking been through. I remember that baby P, that lady going to prison. Been in some jail. This woman I was in prison with, actually, Susan, her name was. She's shocked. Do you hear that? That sound, right? That means that summer's officially here. It means that grown adults just sprint into the street for a frozen dessert shaped like a cartoon. But this summer, Mint Mobile has a better treat. Every plan, including unlimited, is$15 a month. And unlike ice cream, it won't drip down your wrist or look nothing like the picture.

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57:14Her dad abused her and her mum let it happen. This lady, if you met her, you'd think she wouldn't hurt a fucking fly. Like, seriously, she looks like a librarian, funnily enough, like she worked in the library in there as well. And I thought, well, you can't fucking blame the women, can you? Really? Your dad abuses you and your mum let it fucking happen. She snapped and killed them, but she used to get really killed in there because she used to call her Patty O'Sue. I didn't fucking like that. I just thought, you know what I mean? She's got 25 years. I think she's in her 60s now. You know what I mean?

57:57She ain't got long. What were you doing for gear in prison?

58:04Anything and everything. What I did was I would get hold of Spice. So they used to spray paper with it in the end. My baby father as well, he was a Nick. So we could send it prison to prison. Or I would look for, this time when I got to six years, I looked for who was at it, who had like a parcel. and um yes again lied to my parents about something or other got them to put money into an account got myself some spice so then when people would come in off the street because you used to get b1 and i was downstairs on at the time on a lifer's wing because i'd had fights and other wings whatever so i was downstairs at this time and so whoever come in but people used to go mad for the spice in there.

58:57I used to fucking love it. So I would get my drugs that way. I did come off my methadone in there. I did detox off my methadone. But I was buying tablets. If crack and smack came in, I would get that. But nine times out of ten, it would be to get out my nut. So I'd buy Rivetrol, Valium, Pre-Gabs, uh zopracone them sort of tablets just to so i didn't really have to think about it and then i'd smoke spice on top of myself as well um i didn't like it on its own because it was really fucking intense so but when i'd had tablets i would sit and smoke spice and i was off my fucking face most of the time in prison i was hanging off my chair once and the screw walked passed but I was nearly face planting the floor and uh they went to what are you doing saying like what are you doing Ms Seaman I said I'm looking for an earring or something but I was out on that at the time and um they got health care involved anyway I ended up getting about four months I think extra days because I couldn't stop in there either just could not stop because I'm an addict.

1:00:19Did the kids ever come and visit or were you not allowed to see them? Yeah, kids come up. Yeah. I did, I mean, I come off my methadone, I tried, but yeah, difficult, especially in a place like that, do you know what I mean? So yeah, the kids used to come up, they would come up every three months.

1:00:42My son was two when I went away, He was five when I got out. Yeah, that broke my heart when I looked at it like that. See, when you knew they were coming up, did you try and get off the gear the day before? Oh, yeah, no, I wouldn't take anything. I might take like a half a little tablet in the morning or whatever. Take the edge off? Take the edge off, but I wouldn't be at my night on the visit. No, definitely not. Yeah, because I was in Berlini. When I was in Remand, I used to get... A lot of people ended up on the Browns. Some of them were doing Remand for months at a time. They used to be on the brown, but if they knew they were getting visitors, it was certain visits, they would try and just clean out for a day before.

1:01:25They would only manage to get a visit every day, but they would try and do it in a way where they would just make it not suspect. But surely people would have seen it. Obviously, when you're around them, you know they're on it, but you think, man, they used to try and come off at the night before, and you're thinking you've been fucking on it for weeks, you look fucked. when a bird was coming up to visit their mum, obviously they had visits for their friends and stuff and it was like obviously something important and that's the thing about addiction, if you know you're hiding it from the people you love then you know you've got an issue because you try and fool your mum and your dad which is the main hatter, some people have got a grandparent that they don't want to upset but it's mad what it takes you, the depth that it takes you to try and hide and cover up the pain Yeah, because it's pain, you're in pain and then you're in more pain because you're doing what you're doing.

1:02:17Yeah, I lied to my mum and dad. I said to them I was clean in there. And I wasn't. They know now because I've spoke about it before, but because it doesn't matter now because I'm clean now, do you know what I mean? But yeah, it turns you into a right fucking... Well, they oblivious, naive. Surely they're not that naive to know that you weren't on it though, or they just not want to accept that. They didn't really see me. they saw me on visits every few months every few months they knew I was up to saying couldn't they because I was sending money out here there and everywhere do you know what I mean accounts here accounts there can you check that account for me mum so they knew I just think that when I was in prison it was easier for my mum and dad because I wasn't there causing them havoc my mum used to say to me she liked it when I went to prison because she knew that I was safe and I wasn't going to die when I was out on the street she would worry every night that the police would knock on the door and say your daughter's been found dead so yeah prison prison saved my life definitely yeah that's the heartbreaking thing isn't it when you go over it and the pain and the worry you give them every day and every night for their daughter I've got a daughter I know where I would go for her you know and that was one of the reasons why I changed out like I said I was never in the depths that you were folks I took a bit of Charlie and Boo's gambling the same as probably every other kid in the UK you know what I'm saying but when you look at your kids if you can't fight for them then you ain't going to fight for anybody obviously you need to make the change and do it for yourself we know this but what takes you like I was speaking to a big footballer who became a football hooligan and he had a gambling addiction and I was talking about my gambling addiction and like you say I was pointing the Wayans iPads and selling their stuff and they used to come home from school and look for their iPad and I used to pretend to look under the bed and look for it even though I don't fucking pawned it like you know you're just a fucking the great pretender everything's just lies and deceit and you try and convince yourself you tell that much lies that you actually start believing your own bullshit you know and thankfully I was never introduced to fucking heroin like that I don't know where the fuck I would have ended up you know I always thought I was too good for it if I'm honest as well i always had that attitude i always thought people who took heroin and crack they were worse than me made me feel better look down at your nose at other people even though you've got fucking six different addictions you just because all addictions the same no matter what it is yeah it's just coming to that realization that you try and convince yourself you're not as bad as everybody else even when i started going to meetings like na and ca and ga i used to think look at the state all these cunts they're all a mess i never had a problem i used to convince myself that they were all worse than me but i'll try it and then when you start hearing other people's stories you realize we're all the same yeah oh 100 i actually when i was a kid i used to throw stones at someone in the um where i'm from because he was a smackhead i used to throw stones at him mate and call him a smackhead not i'd never thought that i would turn out one and And what you just said there about thinking that you're better than everyone else.

1:05:40So when I smoked it, I don't inject it. Do you know what I mean? I'll never inject. Oh, when I inject it, oh, I'll never do snowballs. Oh, yeah, but I'll never sell myself. But I'll never do this. But I'll never do it. But you do. You do. Everything I said I would never do, I did. And it was fucking soul-destroying in the end. What did you do when you came out of prison after the six years? that's when I went to that flat what I was speaking about earlier so it got really dark after that prison sentence with that bloke that come round with him other blokes being drugged and all that shit so that was from 2018 I went to prison I got out 2020 midway through 2020 and then I had that flat for two years um the load of shit went on there at this point now i'm losing my fucking mind i am going insane i threw myself out the fucking window there broke my heel because i thought that was so because yeah you go through my front door and you still have to walk up to the top of stairs to get to my flat and then i'd gone up there and i'd smoking crack and then i thought that people was going to my mum and dad's house to look for me even though I've got my own flat I need to get out to go and protect my children but I can't get out because there's people downstairs as well I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but threw myself out the window broke my heel I stayed up for days just living in fucking fear and most of the time I was by my fucking self as well lone user.

1:07:26I was a lone user for quite a while, really. That's when I knew I had a problem as well. It wasn't about seeing anyone anymore, do you know what I mean? Socialising. It was just me on my own, you know, even a public toilet, fucking banging up snowballs or smoking crack somewhere. It was all normally by myself. How did you come in contact with the guy I was drugging up and taking it to different houses? Through a dealer, one of the dealers that I know. And, yeah, he'd put me in touch with him, said it'd be like an earner for me because he had money. But when he didn't want nothing, it was like, that's not, nothing comes for free and especially not in that game either.

1:08:21So you were just waking up in random houses? I was waking up in my own house, but I was waking up in random places. Like, I didn't remember, I was losing weeks, days, bruises all over me. I've woke up a few times and someone's had sex with me, 100%. I'm a woman, do you know what I mean? I know.

1:08:47So yeah. how do you know what's real and fake anymore when you know you've got psychosis is where and taking all the drugs like obviously you'll question that and i'm not saying you're not yes but i'm just saying how do you even know what's what's a dream what's a day is what's real what's fake is it difficult to separate it look the scenarios that you can think of in your head yes like i.e you know they're coming in filming us and putting it on the dark web right that can be looked at as extreme but when you're waking up in the morning say for instance and you haven't taken you haven't taken any drugs but you've definitely had sex with someone they've not used protection you know what i'm saying so that's not fucking fake is it you're waking up with bruises you're losing weeks you're losing days i remember going to the chemist once to go get my script and they was like charlotte you're off script i was like what do you mean i was like it's been a week I thought it'd been two days I went to go and get my scriptures normal so yes there are bits where you think you know I never really hallucinated in the sense of you know I didn't actually see things

1:10:06how can I put it some people actually see like really weird fucked up shit mine would be like I would see a bush and I'd think that that was someone outside rather than actually do you know what I mean seeing something there was always like a shadow and you see a coat over your door and you think someone's standing at the fucking door yeah yeah like that I never really heard voices as such I say that towards the end I think I used to think people were saying my name quite a lot talking about me um yeah it was uh I knew by when as well when he would call me at 10am just over my eyes or 4am or 6am or whatever time it would be and then tell me what I'd done in the house as well that day look yes there's psychosis but normally it would be if I'd been up for like three to five days that's when I'd be fucking insane um but when I woke up I'm not in psychosis because I hadn't had anything do you know what I mean so there's definitely bits that yes the whole you know I thought that I was going to be kidnapped and taken to London I thought there was a whole other underground under under London that people were trying to get me take me to London and you know use me as whatever for the rest of my life that's what I thought would happen I even thought you know the show The Watcher I went round to my mum and dad's one day I'd been smoking I was off my head and I actually thought that that tv show was put on the telly for me to say that that's what people are doing to me and my family they're watching me I just thought I was being watched everywhere through my phone through the telly but I think it's because there has been trauma and shit like that that's gone on in my addiction do you know what I mean it's like there has been sexual assault there has been you know people have drugged people all that shit happens don't it and I just think maybe in psychosis things can be exaggerated maybe in your head a little bit but it's still happening.

1:12:31How long did this last for? With this guy? I lived in that flat for two years. I would probably say I don't know eight months maybe. Did you have your own regulars at this point as well that were coming up? Yeah, yeah. I even thought that the old man was involved as well at one point. I had a tag box on in one of these old bloke's houses. They let me go back there. I was on tag, I think. I've just got out from doing the six years. I finished my license. And then what happened was this was another sugar daddy. He was a horrible piece of shit. he would he would take advantage as well another one you know you'd go around there wake up and you got no clothes on do you know what I mean he was one of them ones um anyway so we'd arranged for me to go around there and collect some money and he'd moved out the area a little bit at this time so by the time I got there he didn't answer the door I'm fuming now at this point I'm wanting my money so what I did was yeah I shouldn't have done it but I got in through the letterbox and just took the money off the side and left and I got nicked for it he got me nicked for it in the end um and then I went to prison again that was the last prison sentence I got was in I got released in 2023 that was the last sentence I got but while I was on license um i think i was on tag and i was at his house but i had to leave i rang the tag people and um was phoning them so i've got to leave this house because i genuinely thought that this bloke had got there was people all waiting outside i don't know how many people i thought was there but i thought everyone was waiting outside they're all gonna come in in a minute and they're all gonna fucking attack me or rape me or do whatever to me and I genuinely and I was that fucking scared that I left his house with my tag box and um went to someone else's address and I told them on the phone as well that this old man was setting me up and was abusing me and all this shit I mean he probably he was abusing me in some sort of way you know another one you go to You know what I mean?

1:15:11You're touched up and all that shit. But yeah, it got that bad that I just couldn't trust my own fucking thinking, my own head. Like I just said, because I think there's been so much trauma, so much shit that was real over the years. you know it's sort of because i lived in fear i then then did living fear do you know what i mean all the fucking time and i just wanted to die in the end and you tried to take your own life at this point um this was a little bit after that but yeah it was around that time yeah i tried to take my life yeah what'd you try and do um slit my wrist i um was two millimeters away from my main archery um I showed you earlier tonight it's a big scar on my arm and I was actually with someone at the time um and look he's not a bad person but we did have a lot of fights I mean he punched my teeth out everything but I think a lot of people on drinking drugs do things that they wouldn't normally do sober anyway so I was with him I wasn't seeing any of the sugar daddies anymore I was with this bloke and um was living with him but yeah again the psychosis was there it was horrific I I don't know what the fuck I was thinking yeah again I couldn't even trust him and I actually quite liked this bloke as well I went back to my mum and dad's that was it normally what happens is I go back to my mum and dad's after I have big big scares of psychosis go back to my mum and dad's for a couple of days and sleep and really really sleep then my head was all be all right again um met this bloke because I was that scared that I genuinely thought that old boy was doing it to me so I wasn't seeing that that regular person anymore got with him we was having a row and I just thought I can't fucking do this anymore I was sitting there smoking crack not wanting to smoke crack and I just thought I'm going to fucking kill myself I can't do this anymore cannot live like it and we was arguing at the time so he didn't make the situation any better and he said a few horrible things and I just fucking went through it cut myself a standing blade who saved you he did he kind of pushed you over the edge yeah yeah he rang an ambulance he did try and type something around my arm um yeah but i remember when it happened because it's quite a naughty cut and i remember trying to open the door when i left and you can actually see my arm on the inside and I couldn't pull the door I'd lost all like this in my arm and then that's when he also was like fuck what have you done I don't think he realized what I did either to be honest so he's panicked obviously and all I thought about was my kids I just thought what the fuck you know my poor kids what they're gonna do do you know what I mean um yeah so look I couldn't get clean for my children but my kids are definitely the reason I'm still alive I think if my kids wasn't there I probably we've ended it a little while ago maybe not I can't say that but yeah anyway so from then on that was the start of my road to recovery um I went back to my mum and dad's after that I was still using on and off but my dad had me there um and I was still a bit nuts obviously but But, I mean, I felt safe there.

1:19:33Then, you know, I would smoke crack in the bedroom and just barricade the door and not come out for hours and do loads of weird shit in the bedroom. But I felt safe there. But I kept trying, relapsing, trying, relapsing. And I really just started to accept the fact that I just thought, I'm going to fucking die like this in pain and suffering. And I was in the chemist one day with my daughter and we saw a flyer to a meeting, CA meeting. And I went and haven't looked back since. I think I just had an internal snap as well before that. I just couldn't, I just could not fucking do it anymore. I wanted it to end one way or another and that would be by ending it.

1:20:25So it stopped. I could not live one more fucking breath in that life. Not one fucking more. So it was either kill yourself then and fucking get out of it or do something about it. Yeah, fair play. Congratulations. I know in one of your videos you said you used to eat out bins and stuff as well. When was this? This was through the years. I mean, we used to go behind Jackson Road. they used to have a pizza place and they used to throw the bins in the, the pizzas in the bin. Wouldn't it be like, like it would be in the box still, do you know what I mean? It'd be on top of the bin, but I'm still fucking climbing in the bin.

1:21:09But that's how I would justify it as well. Well, it's in a box. It ain't touched nothing. It's in a fucking bin. What? What the fuck? Um, it's fucking sad though, really. It's fucking horrific where it takes you. See when you started making the changes And started working on yourself Because change is a good thing But it's a painful thing Because it reminds us what we've done What we had to overcome What we went through The wankers that we were with The stuff that we've done That's why people don't change Because it reminds them of what they've done So to change you need to actually fight through All the misery, all the pain, all the past To try and overcome that To realise there's going to be a better future But the difficulty changes I wouldn't say it's near impossible it happens all the time but not many people can do it because there's so much like you say justification there's so much oh i've lost a loved one and i've broke up with this partner you've got so much more to give like everybody has greatness everybody has potential to really make something of themselves really make something of the life that they're given the time that they've got here we don't know how long we've actually gotten that's why fair play to you for making the changes and becoming better and owning it and your honesty like it's a beautiful thing to see like you should be proud but going through the changes when did the penny drop that how fucked up you were i knew i was fucked i knew i knew i was fucked straight away and then obviously the guilt comes in done it from all the things that you've done over the years to your kids to your family but i had to let that go because you know i was sick I was in addiction I didn't mean any of those things and it definitely wasn't because I didn't love my children you know I loved my children if someone would have put a gun to my head whatever and said you can have one or the other of course I'd pick my children but when you're in that cycle it's really hard to get out of so yeah it was it was difficult looking at myself of course it was but I think the most painful part of my life is the most beautiful, really, I think, because it's where the change happened.

1:23:31And, you know, my mum and dad just want me to be happy. They don't really... I think, you know... All right, I fucking stole things off them through the years, do you know what I mean? But they just wanted their daughter back. My sister just wanted her sister back. My kids just wanted their mum back. I don't really think any of it matters and as well I was going to die I don't think that I would have had long left seriously you know I took drugs for a really long time and I took crack and heroin for a really long time injected as well for a really long time I just don't think I would have had long left mentally or you know overdosing or something would have gone wrong definitely and I've seen that a lot people that are normal and they start going into psychosis and they never come out of it.

1:24:27They never come out of it. One woman walks around town talking to herself. That would have happened to me if I'd have carried on. Why do you think you're still alive?

1:24:40I don't know. Maybe for a reason I don't really know why I'm still alive, but I am. I shouldn't be. my sister said to me once if you could win the world record for skimming against fucking death for fuck knows how many years you would win um so yeah i mean look i started my accounts to give hope to people because i know what that pain's like i know what that suffering's like and i know what that feeling's like as well that i can't get out of this there's no hope for me that's why I always say never give up hope because I just generally couldn't see it happening and it's something just just had an internal snap and like and I had loads of rock bottoms as well absolutely loads but this was different this was a real like I can't do this no more and then with the health of Child Step Fellowship, Child Step Program.

1:25:46Yeah, it's been a long journey, but I've got there in the end. What's your biggest regret? My biggest regret? Not being there for my children. It's my biggest regret, definitely. Everything else I can deal with, that's me. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I've got regrets about selling myself, of course I have. doing the things that I did but that's me I regret not being there for my children what's it like actually becoming a mother properly for like the first time because even I've never felt like a dad until about seven or eight years into being a dad because I didn't know what to do if you're taking drugs and wasting money and not really being there not being present you're not being a parent you're not being what your duty is there for which is to provide and protect you're not being present with your kids and teach them not being there is is one of the worst things you know and it never took me until making my changes to realize okay this is what it this is what it is because you're not selfish anymore there's something bigger than you outside of you that you need to be present for you know because having battles and struggle you don't need me fucking addicted to drugs or whatever to be struggling you know people just struggle through finances and other issues mental health but being present is the best thing you can do as a parent just being there same as fucking dogs they don't they don't want much when they're young you know they just want you to be there and listen to them and it's a great thing when you can make changes but was this the first time you felt like a proper mum yeah definitely I think when I had my children I did do I was there you know for the first like years at my mum and dad's house obviously um you know I did do all the night feeds I did do all of that stuff and that's why I've got a bond with my children I think because I didn't go off but as much as I like to believe that I was 100 % present.

1:27:52I wasn't. So now, yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. How's the psychosis in that now? Is everything good? Do you feel more than a chick? Yeah, I don't suffer with it at all. I mean, the other night when I went to the shop, there was some really strange man. And he crossed the road and then walked behind me. and then I did have a bit of a like fucking hell like I panicked a little bit but then I thought it's not psychosis Charlotte that's just because a strange man's walking behind you do you know what I mean but I did question myself a little bit then like oh is it a bit paranoia or psychosis a little bit thinking that he's crossed the road because of you but he was just a strange strange man but other than that I don't suffer with any sarcosis at all now when did you get your gnashers done?

1:28:54oh you need to send me for the days of the old ones yeah oh don't mind I didn't have any back teeth for no I didn't for years erm my fucking uncle used to say to eat like a fucking giraffe because I was trying to eat with my front-mars anyway so yeah February I went out there to have the metal put in my jaw and then I went back out there in October to have it all have them all finished off but yeah I had a very thick day if you can imagine but it does make a big difference listen you're looking fucking great by the way you're looking great for somebody who's been on the brown and the fucking crack for years do you know what I mean thank you very much but you should be proud of how far you've come like how's it how's your daily routine like now how do you keep on the straight and narrow because I'm nearly eight years but I still think about it because it just I don't know if it's old triggers or whatever I don't feed into it as much but you still think about it because you think you know what, it takes away the pain for that wee for that wee bliss for that wee second or minute or few hours but I just can't act on it because I've not got another recovery in me like if I was to go deep again and start boozing and sniffing and taking gear and then gambling you just rip the whole ceiling down you know, you just, there's people who can have a drink, there's just people who can't I don't believe anybody should be drinking and I believe it's the most glorified drug it leads to other fucking negative things but how does your daily routine link now?

1:30:19How do you keep in check? How do you stay balanced? I get up I work my program to the best of my ability and then I'm just a mum I get up, I get my little boy ready for school because they all live with me now my kids they've lived with me for quite a while actually so I'm just I'm restored to sanity and it is some people would probably think my life's quite boring but it's peaceful it's all I've ever wanted to be their mum and be clean so yeah I'm just like any other normal mum I suppose I get up I get my son ready for school my daughter goes off to school my daughter's at college do some housework um i do do other stuff obviously with the 12 step fellowship so i do do meetings still um i've got a sponsor um i've got a sponsor obviously as well so i do i just do everything that i'm meant to do you know with the 12 steps and then work everything else around that how does your kids see it your social media and stuff do they understand your past now and have you been upfront and honest like my kids know everything yeah how was that conversation with you they knew anyway my kids knew because there was no hiding it in the sense of when I went back to my mum and dad's you know because it was so hard for my parents because towards the end like I was either going to really hurt someone because I lived in fear as well you know something terrible was going to happen so they had to have me back there but then that sort of exposed my kids a little bit to the real you know I was in fucking horrific psychosis I'm at you know the back door with a fucking knife because don't let dogs in the garden do you know what I mean so they they haven't been exposed to drug use but they've seen the aftermath of me um and my girls my eldest is 18 she'll be 18 in May my other daughter's 16 and my little boy's 10 so they're not little little my daughters have had to grow up with me being like that so they knew and I think that it's important that they do know why why was mummy like that addiction drugs that's why mummy was like that and I think that my kids have seen enough so that they don't do it I think they're traumatized enough to not do it but I don't think they're that traumatised that they've got problems, do you know what I mean?

1:33:27Obviously, what your mum and dad's seen, obviously your mum, you being a mum, like, how would you feel if it was your daughter? You know, it's fucking heartbreaking, isn't it? Even my kids have done 10 % of the shit I've done. Like, you would think, no chance. You know, fucking drinking at 11, 12 and doing mad shit. They're so fucking wrapped in cotton wool, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, you know, and hopefully it is a good thing but how would you feel like if you've seen one of your kids doing exactly what you've done if you've got a camera to say this is what you're going to do how hard would it be yeah horrific i don't yeah i feel now we're not now you know i'm a mum and i do think my son's 10 you know in three years time he'd be in prison smoking crack like how my mom and dad must have felt must have been horrific really um you know but I do I I think I would notice the signs because I'm an addict and I know them.

1:34:42Yeah, I genuinely think that they've seen enough, my kids. How's your mum and dad now? They must be proud. Yeah. Yeah, they are, yeah. Dad must be thinking, fucking hell, it's only took 35 years.

1:34:58Oh, don't. Yeah, my dad is, I love my dad. I love my mum. I love him. they're amazing without them I don't know where my kids would have been they've saved my life a number of times my family I'm very lucky that I come from the family that I do I come from a really supportive family and I don't just mean my mum and dad I mean my sisters and my brother as well and it's really weird we all come from the same household the same upbringing not one of them is like me not a chance. My little sister went to uni and went travelling. The fuck happened to you? I know! I went a bit wrong. Yeah. Yeah, but you should be proud of how far you've come.

1:35:49You know, it's a beautiful thing when you make the changes and really gravitate towards a better life. It's not easy. There's always going to be ups and downs. There's always going to be struggles. How was it when you started posting on social media? I mean I didn't really know anything about social media because I didn't have a phoning addiction I wasn't sitting there you know looking at things I thought people was watching me for it so I didn't really know anything about it and my daughter was like daughters was like why don't you share your journey on TikTok and I was like what's TikTok I didn't even know what TikTok was about anyway we posted something together and it hit like 14.8 million views I think the first ever video that I put up and then I just started posting and it just seemed to just go the way that it does but I as soon as I started turning outwards as well and trying to help others I think you start to heal as well I really do I think the more you know obviously you can't pour from an empty cup but the more I started to help people you know I send people links to meetings or even just comment back to them or like you know try and help these people as much as I can um I started to heal and uh yeah I think it's a beautiful thing to be able to free myself from it all as well like someone asked me online have you ever sold yourself for drugs I said yeah I have yeah um because no one can ever say anything to me I'll tell myself and by me speaking about it because this happens all the time there's women out there now doing the exact same thing that i did and thinking that they're a piece of shit or they can't get out of it or they're not worth anything when they are when they are and uh that's why i do it what's the hardest thing about change um i think sometimes i grieve my myself i know that sounds really weird because i am myself but

1:38:15um yeah it's like i've got to say goodbye to that part of me but it is me do you know what i mean and general things like day-to-day things I really struggle with I know that sounds really stupid but from the age of 11 I started taking drugs I was on crack at 13 I was on heroin at 16 I was injecting by the age of 19 I've never run a home I've never paid bills I've never done washing up do you know what I mean I've never done normal day-to-day things I find them quite hard um and then I've got the kids as well so it's me the children um don't get me wrong it's beautiful I'm grateful for it but I'm just saying like sometimes it can be quite I have to have days where I just think I'm not fucking doing it today do you know what I mean I'll do it do it tomorrow I'll leave it too much sometimes and it gets overwhelming I think it's trying to find the balance maybe what's the plans for the future do you have big plans I don't I don't actually know I mean I'm just going with the flow right now um but I do definitely want to go into something with helping addicts, helping women,

1:39:44and spreading awareness on addiction. That is why I started the accounts, to give hope to people, but also spread a little bit of awareness. Do you know what I mean? I mean, look, I know people are going to do what they do, but, you know, from being just a normal, normal-ish kid, started out smoking weed I ended up on crack an earring and addiction doesn't discriminate it can happen to anybody so yeah just shine a light on it really I think yeah but you're going to do big things this is only the start of a new chapter a new journey I like I keep repeating you've done amazing proud of you your mum and dad's proud kids will be proud and like I say there's bigger things going to happen for you anybody watching or listening to this just want to offer your work to go and speak in prisons and schools that's your prime example to do so because you've made the changes other people be looking at you as an inspiration and it's mad all the fuckery we've done and all the madness that you've done to then actually helping people you know two years ago you're thinking nah that's not the case you're fucking jumping out windows hearing voices trying to kill yourself it's mad how life can turn so that's for anybody watching or listening it's never over so long as you've got air in your lungs you've got something to give never quit never say die because big things can happen and like i say you never would have expected to be doing the things that you're doing trying to help people trying to heal people when you're still fucked up yourself because i'm still fucked up and people come to me for advice i think what you want advice from me for i'll end up making you worse but for anybody that's watching charlotte that's in that life of struggle right now and doesn't know how to get out what advice would you have for them my advice would be just to never ever give up hope there is always hope um just don't ever really don't ever give up on yourself because it is like at the end of time i've been there how you feeling today amazing what's your social medias and stuff for people to get in contact for people to ask questions maybe looking for some guidance yeah so it's TikTok Charlotte's Recovering Instagram is Charlotte Seaman 11 and Facebook is the same actually Charlotte Seaman 11 no relation to David Seaman is it England Gauley?

1:42:05No it's not your da is it? No wondering how he had all that money to keep cooking mate and you okay but listen for coming on a day and telling your story and coming up for a year sober but it's amazing. Thank you. I think a lot of people take a lot from this. Just keep going, keep staying on the path and I guarantee big things will happen. Anything I can ever help with, you've got my number, you know where I am. Again, God bless you. Keep up the great work and I look forward to seeing what you do for the future. Thank you, James.