Dark Confessions of a Former Prostitute - Betty Guadagno Shares the Raw Truth About Her Past

28:27And it's just like you're in this constant cycle, this constant chase. I used to drink a half a gallon of vodka a day. It was like, disgusting. Because it was the cheapest thing that I could get to get the most fucked up. And so at one point in my addiction, I had no money for heroin, I had no place to live, so I couldn't prostitute myself. And so I would just get these gallons of vodka. It was$16 for a gallon of vodka, and I would make it last two days. What's a gallon in liters? I think it's like, I don't know how much it is in liters. It's a lot, though. Yeah, maybe two liters, I don't know.

29:02I genuinely don't know, but I know that's a lot of shit. It's a lot. It was disgusting. What about your second husband? What happened there? You know, he actually, so he did leave, and he did get clean. He went and did Ibogaine. So he ended up, once he said to you, I'm going to get clean, he actually got clean? Well, so he went and did Ibogaine in Mexico. It's a plant medicine. It's basically like, it's basically Africa's version of ayahuasca. And there's all of these clinics in Mexico, there used to be a bunch of clinics in Canada too, where it's medical. Like, you go, like you're in a hospital bed, there's a nursing staff that watches you while you go into this plant medicine trip.

29:40And it basically rapid detoxes you. So heroin withdrawal would typically take seven days, but on this plant medicine, it purges your whole body, not just of opiates, but of nicotine, of caffeine, of any sort of toxin inside your body. And it happens within 48 hours. So he went and did this plant medicine and... But then they don't tell you what to do after you have, like, this insane psychedelic, like, rebirth. They just send you back into the regular world." And so he ended up getting really, really bad with alcohol. And then after a couple years, hitting bottom. And yeah, he's clean now. He's clean and sober now.

30:18An amazing artist. Like, he didn't even know what paint was when we were married, but after he took this plant medicine, he became this incredible, incredible artist. So he's got a lot to thank you for then? Maybe. Are you in contact with any of the first two? Uh, yeah, I am, yeah. Not the first one. The second one, yeah. What about the third OD? What happened? Say it again? The third OD when you OD'd for the third time. Okay, so the third time that I OD'd, I had this really spiritually transformative experience. I had a near-death experience. And it was, I mean, it was the most incredible, insane thing that I could ever imagine happening to anybody.

30:57The first part of my experience was a life review. And so, you know, I just shared, right? Like, my life was super fucked up. And one of the other aspects of my life that was really messed up was that when I was doing sex work, I wouldn't just prostitute myself. I would manipulate other women, I would get them strung out on drugs, and I would prostitute them as well. And I would take all of their money so that I could use it for my addiction. So as I overdose and I start going into this life review, by the way, I don't know what any of this is at the time because I was a militant atheist and I just thought that when you die, nothing happens and it just lights out.

31:34So I'm starting to go through this thing, and I'm seeing these women's faces. Like, I'm feeling their pain. And I'm just like, it's anguish, it's anger, it's devastation, and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling their emotions, I'm feeling my emotions as the abuser. Like, the manipulation, the rage, the frustration, the dominance, like, all the things that I was experiencing when I was doing stuff like that. And so that was part of my life review. Another part of my life review was that there was this one man that I was dating. Again, I got him strung out on drugs. And he ended up dying of a cocaine overdose.

32:16His heart exploded. And I saw him. I saw his death. I saw the pain in his parents' face. This was all part of my life review. It was terrible. Like, everything was so dark. And then I saw my parents, and I saw them committing suicide inside of this vision in my mind during this life review. And I was feeling their feelings, not just my feelings. I could feel my feelings as a grieving daughter, but then I could feel their feelings too. Like, what they were going through as they were killing themselves. And I don't know if you've ever been in a state of, you know, being suicidal, but it is extremely, extremely painful.

32:54And I know that from myself, because I've been there before, but I could feel it from their point of view, and it was just like, I felt like I was drowning in this ocean of anguish. And it was terrible. It was... And so I was starting to piece stuff together, and I said, okay, I'm seeing my parents. I know that they're dead. I'm seeing my dead boyfriend. I know that he's dead. So I must be dead. And this is what happens when you die. And this sucks. This is terrible. And then I started to hear my father's voice, and he was chanting, you are worthy of all the love in the universe. You are worthy of all the love in the universe.

33:30And I didn't believe that, but I trusted his voice. And so my awareness started to follow his voice. And as it did, I was drifting out of the dark, deep ocean of anguish of this terrible life review, from this terrible life that I had lived. And then I was traveling into the light, following his voice into the light. and when I landed in the light, it felt much different, which was very welcome. It felt like a lot of near-death experiencers say that they can't describe what it feels like, but I'm going to do my best right now by saying that imagine every one of the trillion of cells on your body is having a trillion orgasms all at once, and that is what it feels like in heaven.

34:12It was just the most blissed-out ecstasy, joy, peace, serenity. It was an explosion of all of the best emotions and the best experiences that we have on Earth. And when I landed in the light, I landed in what felt like the deck of a spaceship. And there was this pillar of light in the middle, and it was speaking to thousands of souls. I was, it just, it looked like I was part of a spiritual army. And there was a commander in the center, this light. And the light was saying that we were the most special volunteers, that we had all signed up to come to Earth for the transformation of consciousness, the great awakening, and that we were the bravest volunteers.

34:59And so we were all getting ready to jump for this mission. And then my awareness sifted over to another scene, because I don't know anything that's going on, right? I'm just like, but I'm accepting everything as truth. You know how here on Earth we question everything? Like somebody tells you something and you go into your mind and you're like, is that true? Let me put this against all the things that I know already, or maybe I should do some research around this. But in this space, I had total, massive acceptance around everything that was happening. I wasn't questioning anything. I was like, okay, this light is telling me that I'm a brave soldier, that I'm a spiritual soldier coming to Earth for the transformation of consciousness.

35:36Accepted. I accept this as truth. And then my awareness goes over to another scene, and I'm in front of this table of beings, and they have like this beautiful ornate book and they're thumbing through it. And then they're looking at me and they're looking at the book and they're telling me that I'm not gonna stay there. I'm only gonna hang out for a little while so that I can get some information that I need. And then they're gonna send me back to earth. And I was like, not me. I'm not going back to earth. This place is amazing and earth is not. So I'm not going back there. And they told me that I wasn't going back as a punishment.

36:11I was going back because I had been training for lifetimes, for this particular lifetime, and that they weren't going to let me miss my opportunity to be present for the transformation of consciousness. That there is a big wave of awakening going on on Earth, and I'm a part of it. We're all a part of it. We're all here right now for this big event. So the information that I was there for, they shoved me into another scene, and they showed me that I had picked out my life before I ever came to Earth. And the way that the scene played out in my mind's eye, because it looked like a video game. And I don't know if that's because we're inside of a simulation, or if it's because of the generation that I'm born in, or because, like, that I was gonna tell this story one day, and if I saw it that way, it would reach another generation of people who know about video games.

37:06I don't know why it came through that way for me, but it looked like I was in a spiritual supermarket. I had this big empty grocery cart, and lining the walls of the grocery store aisles were these gigantic cereal boxes. And every cereal box had a life experience on it. And so I'm grabbing like all of these boxes, like addiction and prostitution and homelessness. Why would a soul grab these things? I have no—I don't have a great sentence or a great explanation as to why. But there is one moment that I really like to share about, and it's interesting because you shared something about this already, but I grabbed this cereal box, and it said childhood sexual trauma on it.

37:43And I grabbed the box and it went into the cart. And as I grabbed the box, a little orb of light came out with the box. And that orb of light was the soul of the man who molested me when I was a small kid. And we came orb to orb with each other, and we made a spiritual contract with one another. And we were going to play these roles for each other. And I could tell inside of that space that we loved each other in an unconditional way. Not like in a human-loved way. Like, we loved each other so tremendously that we were going to play villain and victim for each other in this play of Earth, in this incarnation.

38:21And I saw all the reasons why. And I saw that in a previous life, I had been his abuser in the same capacity. And we were going to balance the scales for each other in this lifetime. And so in this moment of being downloaded with this belief, with this knowing that I planned my life before I got here, it was like all of my victim mentality just cracked off of me. Like two tons of weight of garbage from my whole past just slid right off of me. I'm not a victim to the world around me. I'm actually a divine co-creator. of my reality. I helped plan this life that I'm living right now. I'm going to pause there.

39:00See if anything came up for you. There you go on a pause. Yeah. So, so if we can pick well life before we come here, why would we pick misery? Right. What is the purpose of destruction and pain and death and addiction when we could in reality pick an amazing life? I believe we're in a simulator. I've interviewed enough people. nobody's ever gave me a concrete answer of why we're here my own belief, I think we're like avatars I think, this isn't real someone's created us, there's got to be something bigger than us that's created the brain and the heart, the central nervous system, all these organs and vessels, that's not coming from a big bang or Adam and Eve what the fuck is that shit?

39:43I'm not here to offend anybody who's religious, but I think there's something more out here look at the way technology is now in the computers, when you can actually be in computer games now, and there's just different levels to it. Maybe what that is, for me, would explain is probably the source. That's the source of what we should be feeling and how we should be. But with so much pace and so much destruction, our minds are so fast now, there's no calmness anymore. But why would they let us see bad and do bad? Okay, so, but bad is a judgment, right? And that's a judgment that you're making. You're deciding that something is good and something is bad.

40:24Have you ever heard the parable of... I'm gonna fuck it up, but like, the guy whose son breaks his leg, right? And he's like, oh my God, it's so terrible, my son broke his leg. And then the army comes to the house and is like, your son is getting drafted, give him to us. And the father's like, well, he broke his leg. And they're like, okay, we can't take him, see ya, right? So this thing that they thought was so terrible and tragic actually ended up being a quote-unquote good thing. And there's so many things like that. So I wish that I had some, like, great one-liner for you to help you understand why, but this is the best that I can do.

40:58There's nothing else to do. Heaven is boring as fuck, okay? There's nothing to do there. It's just one thing happening. It's unconditional love. And unconditional love is cool. It's a cool thing to experience. Those elevated emotions are very cool. But how can you experience, how do you know the difference between, how do you know how great love is, how great joy is, how great God is, unless you understand suffering down here? And you'll notice that people who have experienced real intense suffering, when they come out of it, and they get to climb on the other side of the mountain, they appreciate their lives probably a lot more than people who don't understand that very intense contrast.

41:38Yeah, well, look at the Bible, all the sinners became saints. And I think when you ask God for strength, I spoke about this a couple of days ago. When you ask God for strength, he doesn't give you strength. He gives you pain. So you can find the strength to get over it. But listen, it's fascinating. Like, I don't know. I genuinely don't know. I'm open to everything, whether UFOs are real, whether they're not, whether we're living in a sort of simulator or some sort of dome. I genuinely do not know. Until I see it with my own eyes, I can only speak my truth and how I see the world and what I've overcome and how I've overcome it.

42:12I can't speak for everyone else because we all see the world through different lenses. And that's what makes the world a beautiful place. But there's just so much divide now. There's so much fucking hate. And I think you can't be hating on someone who sees the world differently from you because they come from a different place. They've been raised differently. They've been different levels of trauma. They've got different levels of understanding. They've read different books. How can we be angry that someone is not the same as you? I totally agree. I don't think that any— I don't think that there's one underlying truth to anything.

42:45Like, everything is a matter of perception. Truth is totally objective. I would never— I'm not— I don't share my story because I want to convert people. Like, oh, everybody should believe in pre-birth planning. Just, like, own your trauma and stop being a victim. I'm not here to preach or teach or proselytize. I'm just here to be me, right? This is something that helped me. Maybe it'll help somebody else. Maybe it won't. Maybe it'll piss people off. No big deal. That's none of my concern. That has nothing to do with me. I think that it's so great that we all get to see the world in these different ways.

43:17Because how fucking boring would it be if we all felt the same thing at the same time and liked the same things? There would be no creativity in this world. There'd be no contrast. Now, we've taken it to extremes, right? Because people can't accept that other people see the world differently. And that's a shame, because it's actually the coolest thing about being a human, is the amount of diversity that we have here. Diversity in thought, diversity in form, all the diversity that we have here. But our world, yeah, people who believe in separation, or believe that they know the right way and the other people are wrong, that's a very exhausting way to live.

43:58So what happened when you woke up then? So I woke up, well, so another part that happened while I was there was that they told me, I refused to go back into this body, you know, because I was a mess. I was, I could see my body outside myself, I was blasted out on my bathroom floor, naked. I was like, please don't make me go back into that mess. Like, just let me stay here, please. Even if it was you who chose it? So they told me that I didn't have a choice. And it's not like some people hear that and they're like, it's a prison planet, like, we're all trapped here. Like, she didn't get a choice.

44:31Some people say that. Some people say the air is poison. And every time we breathe in, we're actually getting closer to death. That's interesting. It's actually a poison. Wow. Who says it's not? I've heard people say that air is consciousness, right? Because if you stop breathing, then you stop being conscious. Yeah, I've seen that video. Yeah, I like that. So they told me that I would either have to go back into a baby and be reborn, and that the baby was gonna have to take my grocery cart. So everything that was already in my life experience cart, this baby was going to get, and then the baby was going to have extra boxes inside because of who it was going to be born to and where it was going to be born and its family.

45:10And so I thought, well, if these are really my only options to go back into that glitched, broken body that I just came from or be reborn into a baby, I can't start from zero. And so I'm just going to go back into the body that I came from. And, you know, the beings that I was there with, they were very affirming. In the end, they were very kind. And it almost felt like they put their hands on my face and cupped my face in their hands, even though they didn't have hands. But it just felt like so comforting. And they said, listen, the first part of your life was boot camp. Nobody likes boot camp.

45:44It's really hardcore. It's raining sideways. It's freezing. You're doing a thousand pushups in the mud. There's a drill sergeant screaming in your face. The second part of your life is going to be carrying out your divine mission. It's going to be much different because you're going to have soulmates and kindred spirits and mentors and teachers and community. You're going to have access to us and you're going to be living in spiritual awareness. It's going to be so much different. Just trust us. And I was like, I don't fucking trust you guys. Like, I don't even know you. You know, like I, I was very dismissive of that part of it because I was so upset that they were making me come back.

46:19And then when I came back, I just thought that it was drug induced psychosis because all that I knew was that I took a bunch of drugs And then all of a sudden, I was tripping so hard that I thought I was talking to God and I thought I planned my fucked up life. So I was like, okay, whatever. That was just weird. I shook my head and I just went on with my life. I kept using drugs. I kept prostituting myself. I was still homeless. Like, my life was crazy. And then all of a sudden, my world started to get so super tiny. Like, I had no choice but to start to look at things for what was really going on.

46:52That maybe I did have some kind of spiritual awakening, even though I didn't know what a spiritual awakening was. So, like, all of these synchronicities started to happen. These little miracles, these coincidences. Okay, so, for instance, one day I call up my main dealer. I have, like, a list of ten guys that I call, but I have one main guy. And this one main guy, I talked to every single day for 10 years. Because I never had enough money to get like a large quantity of drugs to like keep myself held over. So I would talk to him every day, and I would go pick up from him every day for 10 years.

47:26Did you ever sleep with him? Oh yeah, I slept with him. Yeah. He still charged me though. I was like, maybe I could like get in here. I know, I was like, it was a plan that I had, but it didn't work.

47:40So, okay, I call up my main guy, right? I'm like, hey, man, where you at? I want to pick up. And he says, listen, I found Jesus. I want to be a good father. I'm out of the game. Don't ever call me again. Hangs up on me, blocks my phone number. Ten years. Ten years over. I'm like, okay, that's really weird. Let me call up the next guy on the list. Call up another guy. These men don't know each other. These are totally different people from totally different parts of town. and I call up a second guy and he tells me the exact same story that he found Jesus and that he was out of the game and he hung up on me and he blocked me.

48:17And that happened to me eight more times. I called up 10 different men and they all said the exact same thing to me that they wanted nothing to do with me. And I was like, this is actually fucking crazy. What is going on? But I'm a drug addict. So like I live in New York City. I can go out onto the street and go buy drugs. I don't need to call it these dealers, right? So I do what I need to do. I go out on the street. I go into the projects. I go find what I need. And every time that I bought something, it was bunk. It was fake. It would fall out of my pocket while I was walking home. It would start raining.

48:51It would get wet. I couldn't use it. Like, everything that could happen to make me stop using drugs was happening. So then I find myself in the midst of withdrawal, because I'm a heroin addict, and I cannot get access to the drug that I need to not get sick. I'm on day three of withdrawal, which is the absolute worst day. It's like you're shitting all over yourself. You're puking. It feels like your blood is made of lava, like your bones are made of broken glass. Your skin is on fire. It's also freezing cold. At the same time, everything hurts. Everything hurts. It's like the flu times a hundred.

49:30And I remember having this moment and I was like, I need to kill myself to get out of this pain because it's so tremendous, this pain. And I thought, I can't even get out of this bed and figure out a way to kill myself. How am I going to do this? I can't even like, I don't even have the strength to take a knife and stab myself. I can't even go to the store and buy a hundred aspirin because I can't get up. And then I heard a voice in my head and it told me that I could request what I wanted fixed. And I was like in the throes of desperation. So I was like, okay, strange voice, I want to no longer be physically dependent on heroin.

50:03I didn't say that I wanted to be rid of my drug addiction because I still wanted to smoke meth and I still wanted to eat LSD and do like fun drugs, right? But I just said, take me out of heroin withdrawal, please. And then they told me to count backwards from 10 to close my eyes and lay back. And as I did, I saw these two little men appear in my mind's eye, and they were wearing these white lab coats, and they had these bulbous noses, and they had these little lawnmowers in front of them. And they started taking off in separate directions inside of my mind. And as they walked through, I felt these intense hot tingles start to take over the whole crown of my head.

50:42And when they were finished mapping out my mind, it felt like a plunger went down on the crown of my head, and as it plunged down and came back up, there was this bright white flash. And as that flash was happening, I was being instantaneously healed. I was instantaneously healed out of day three of heroin withdrawal. Like one moment I was sick all over myself, welcoming death, and then the next moment I was completely healed and well and fine. I was experiencing no pain at all. It was totally insane. And I threw myself on the ground and I was crying out to a God that I did not believe in. and I was saying, how could this be happening to me?

51:18I don't believe in this. I don't believe in you. Why would you do this for me? I'm not worthy of this. I'm a drug addict. I'm a prostitute. I'm a pimp. I'm a racist. I'm a rapist. I'm a terrible human being. Why would you do this for me? And I just heard them chanting back to me and they said, you're worthy of all the love in the universe. You're worthy of all the love in the universe. And it was, I mean, it was divine intervention. It really, truly was. Did you ever go to prison? Did you ever get to jail? No, I mean, like I sat in holding cells a couple of times. Like I did like a weekend in jail once.

51:51Prison's not part of my story. And what about sleeping on the street? How was that? Being homeless? No, I was never street homeless. I could always find somewhere to go. You know, I could always find a guy in a bar who would let me sleep at his house for a couple of days or whatever. Never street homeless. So you would just go around bars as well, get men and just use them, manipulate them. Yeah. Would you be straight up front with them, what you wanted in exchange? No, no, no. You can't like, that's not how manipulation works, you have to lie. I was like, oh my god, you're like so cool, I would love to spend time with you.

52:18But in my head, I'm like, I really hope that he has a warm bed. And you were doing this when your teeth were rotting and other things? No, this is before that. This is before that. In the end, I was like, I was squatting in a house, so I didn't have to, like, manipulate, unless I thought there was bugs in my house, and then I would try to go out and find other people. But I had ways of like putting myself together still, You know, I could throw on some fake eyelashes and look all right. Was there any moments when you are being a prostitute that stick out and you think, because when you change, it's the pain of the past always pops up sometimes.

52:52Because if I'm in a good mood, something will trigger and remind me that I shouldn't be happy. And I'll think of something 20 years ago, like, was it any of those moments when you were doing prostitution and you think, why would I sleep with that old man or why would I even do that? Well, you know, I will say this, like, because of all of the healing that I've done and because of like these really miraculous spiritual experiences, I don't hold any shame. Like, shame is not part of my picture at all. Because I've worked the 12 steps in a 12-step fellowship, I've made amends. I make universal amends, right?

53:24And the amends that I made to myself for the sexual trauma that I put myself through was I took years to just heal myself and be on my own. And then I started to do healing with my partner and really understand my body and what I had done to it. But I felt like in that moment of healing, like in the moment when I was healed out of heroin withdrawal, it kind of reset all the cells in my body. And, you know, like we, our whole body is regenerated every seven years. Like every cell in our body is regenerated every seven years. So the person that I was when I was prostituting myself, she doesn't even exist anymore.

54:00Not one cell of my body was, you know, is there anymore because that was seven years ago. Would you have sold yourself to anyone? Um, I mean, within reason. I guess in the end, it was like so bad that, you know, it just would have been anything. But, you know, like, there's like a thing with sex workers that like, you don't have sex with black guys because they steal from you. So that was something that came up during sex work. It was like none of that. What about old men? Yeah, I was with old men. How old? I think the oldest guy was like 80 years old. And it was just very sad because, like, obviously nothing was gonna happen.

54:38And he was trying so hard and it was really sad and pathetic. And that was painful. For him. I mean, for me, I was like, whatever. I don't have to do anything. This is great. What about a lot of married men? Definitely a lot of married men. And, you know, the thing about, you know, I was using drugs with these men, too. So, like, you know, when you're using a lot of drugs, like, you can't really have sex because, like, your blood is flowing in all these other places because you're on all these kinds of stimulants and stuff. So, sometimes it was just about talking. People just wanted to talk. And, you know, it's, I work as a coach now, and it's a lot of the same thing.

55:17People just want somebody to listen to them. I would be with married men because they were too scared to tell their wives about, like, their kinks and their fetishes that they had. And they just wanted to be able to share them with somebody else. Not even do them, but just like talk about them. So that somebody could tell them like, that's not that weird. You know, like there's whole communities of people who do stuff like that. Did you have any weird demands? No, I was never really into like weird stuff. One time somebody asked me to have sex with a dog, but I think he was just kidding. But like, no.

55:44He wasn't kidding. You don't think so? Was it? But who would say that? I know, that's weird. You know, like who the fuck would say that? Very weird. Yeah, it's weird how you end up getting into those situations. It's mad where life takes you. What about pregnancy? Were you ever pregnant? Yeah, I've had three abortions. Not as a result of prostituting myself, just as being in relationships. Do you regret that? No, I don't. I think that the first one was very hard for me, because I was young, and I thought that it was gonna fix this abusive relationship that I was in, and my mom found out, and she was like, you can't, and I was like four and a half months pregnant.

56:25And I just didn't tell anybody, because I was like, Like, oh, if I don't tell anybody, maybe it'll just go away and this won't be happening. That one was really hard. But I know that, again, it was like my mom didn't want me to live her life. And I couldn't understand because I was like, well, what's so wrong with your life? You're basically saying that you regret that I was born, that this is your life. But I get it now. If I had children, my path wouldn't have looked the way that it did. Or what if I was strung out on drugs and I had kids? Like, what a horror that would have been. Like, I know that horror.

57:00What about the abuser? Was that real when you were a kid, or was that a vision? No, that was real. So who was that? It was my, um, my step-grandfather. Your mom's dad? It's my mom's step-dad. I take it he abused your mom? No, he didn't abuse my mom. He wasn't around when my mom was a kid. Um, he abused some of the other grandchildren. And, you know, in my family, it's like, you just don't talk about it. Everybody gets sexually abused. Everybody. Like, grandmother, mother, sisters, everybody gets sexually abused. But you don't talk about it. It's just something that you're just supposed to accept.

57:37And it's total bullshit, right? Like, why? Why do we let this generational secret continue to poison our generational mind? Why do we continue to do that? So, you know, one of my goals in not having children was like, I'm not going to continue all of the bullshit that goes on in this family line. Like, let me let it stop here. Let me heal. Let me be very intentional with my healing, so that it can affect future generations, past generations, and I can heal myself and live the best human life that I can have right now. What have I happened to him? He's still alive. No way. Yeah. I have total forgiveness in my heart for that man.

58:19It doesn't mean that what he did is acceptable at all. It's not. It's heinous what happened. But I'm also not gonna live with hate in my heart, because what is that gonna do? Except, like, give me wrinkles and make my life terrible. So instead, I forgive him from afar. You know, like, I'm not gonna go to family gatherings, I'm not gonna be in the presence of a person that was a predator in my life. But I'm also not going to hold a grudge. Never go to the police about him? No. Never? No. even the place you're in now, the good player spiritual to expose him in case he's still doing it It's never come up for me again to, you know...

59:02Or is it for you to put it aside? I don't know if that's part of my story, to seek vengeance in that way. Maybe it's part of somebody else's story in my family. For me, my only goal is to continue to emotionally heal myself, and I don't think that would be something that would be healing for me. Do you think that would bring up a lot more? I don't know if it would bring up more. Like, you know, I made myself very known to my family. Like, this is something that happened. Like, I'm gonna write a book, it's gonna be in there. Like, I don't really care about six people's opinions. Like, you know, that's like how big my family is now, because everybody's dead from drugs.

59:42So, you know, like, he has to live with himself. And that's really what it comes down to. So you've had the spiritual awakening, you've seen these things, you've been in, believe you're God. See, when you woke up and you were going through that, Did you get sectioned or anything? Were you still taking drugs? Like you said, did you feel as if you were in psychosis? When did it sink in that, okay, this is possibly real? Yeah. So, I mean, the healing was definitely like, oh shit, something actually happened to me. Cause like, what's going on? I mean, for a long time, I just thought that I was dead and I was like, oh, I died.

1:00:13And this is what happens when you die. Like, how could I be healed? I must be dead. And then, but then I felt like I was trapped in purgatory. What's that? Purgatory is like the space. I mean, it's not a real place, But like, in the Bible, they say like, it's a space between hell and heaven. And like, you're just trapped in the in-between. And so everything just like felt gray. And like, there was no emotion attached to anything. And it just felt like I was, you know, like in this merry-go-round of life, which is what addiction is. So, yeah, you know, it didn't... The healing made me feel like something real happened.

1:00:46But I didn't know what it was, because I didn't know what spiritual awakening was. I didn't know what a near-death experience was. And then I found myself on this train, and I was—it was the middle of the day. There was nobody on the train, which is weird in New York City because there's 9 million people that live here. There's usually people on the train. But this particular train car was empty in the middle of the day, and I was sitting there thinking, like, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what's going on. Something weird is happening, but I don't exactly know what it is. I need somebody to help me.

1:01:14and then all of a sudden the doors opened and this man stepped inside and he sat directly across from me even though the whole train car was empty and around his neck was this blinged out emblem for a 12-step fellowship and I heard this voice in my head and it said, that's your path, follow that man to a meeting. And so I asked this stranger on the train if he was going to a meeting and he was going to a meeting and he took me with him and that totally changed my life. So that was like two months, two and a half months after the near-death experience, about two weeks after the spontaneous healing.

1:01:49And then the universe started to like, send me the people that were gonna help me to get me onto a different path. And recovery was gonna be the path, even though I did not want to be in recovery. Did you speak about this in recovery, what you were going through? No, because I didn't have any language for what happened to me yet. And it wasn't something that, I mean, in the beginning in recovery, I was just like, you know, be quiet and just listen to whatever because I felt like God was speaking through all of these people. And so they just told me that I had to keep making meetings. They just said, like, you use drugs every day?

1:02:22Yeah, I use drugs every day. Okay, you gotta make meetings every day. And so I just kept making meetings. And the next day after I met this man, I went to this women's meeting, and when I walked in the door, you know, I looked all messed up, like, you know, toothless, holes in my face, like, totally disheveled, like a complete animal. And it was just, like, obvious that I was new. And this woman, she grabbed me when I walked in, and she held me and she hugged me so lovingly. And nobody had touched me in a loving way in a really long time. And so it felt disgusting to me to actually feel somebody's loving embrace.

1:02:58I didn't understand it. My brain couldn't compute it. And she whispered in my ear and she said, you are worthy of all the love in the universe. You are worthy of all the love in the universe. It's like the same message that I've been hearing in all these spiritual experiences. And now a real woman inside of a 12-step meeting is saying it to me as well. And I was like, okay, this is it. I surrender. Something insane is going on. Something spiritual, something magical is happening. I surrender. And that was it. That was the moment that I surrendered. Like, I rested my head on that woman's big boobies for as long as she would let me.

1:03:34I cried deeply into her. And I just said, okay, universe, show me. Show me what's next. And then after that, I went into a long-term rehab. And I stayed inpatient for a year and a half. And I learned how to be a person. It wasn't even about, like, learning how to be a person in spiritual awareness, or, like, learning how to, like, fine-tune my spiritual gifts. Like, I didn't even know how to wake up and brush my one good tooth without being high first. So I really had to, like, relearn everything about life. How do I feed myself? How do I wash myself? How do I take care of myself? And so when I was in that treatment center, I got to learn those things.

1:04:10And then once I got the basics down, I started to develop my spirituality. I started to fine-tune my spiritual gifts. I started to connect with other people. I tried to make friends. I failed at making friends. I tried to get a job. I didn't do great at that. Like, all of these things. I went back to school, I got certified to help people. And my life totally transformed and changed. How was rehab? It was terrible. 18 months. It was terrible. When did you start coming out of the sort of dark clouds? Because you also get the pink cloud when everything's going amazing, you feel great. And then you hit the dark patch again.

1:04:44I never done the 12 steps. I've been to NACA, GA, AA. I've dipped my toes in, done a couple of steps, but never followed it through. always thought I'm going to do it myself now I always send people to meetings people message me I don't have all the answers what I done worked for me I stopped for two years and end up back again for a year I went mental and um yeah eight years now it's a long time and yeah I've not looked back but I still speak to sponsors from the gambling but I think it's important for anyone struggling that's watching or listening you can make better choices and going to a meeting just to listen to others that you're not alone?

1:05:25Because we always feel alone when you're an addict or you hang around with the exact same people because it makes you feel, like we say, not alone. But how was the process of rehab? Was that the toughest point of your life? Yeah, it felt like they broke me down. Like they pulverized me into nothing. But the thing is, is that they also built me back up. And it had a lot to do with me. Like I had to put the work in. You know, they just, they gave me a container. They gave me four walls that were safe, meaning like I could not escape my feelings. I was going to be forced to feel my feelings inside of these four walls.

1:06:00I couldn't run outside and drink or use drugs behind my feelings. And so that's what that space did. It let me meet myself. It let me meet my grief. All my grief was just waiting for me. Like I had been sedating that grief for decades of my life. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a tsunami out of nowhere. It was tremendous, and I didn't think that I was gonna survive it. But it passed. It passed. And I learned how to deal with the feelings. How did you fund the rehab? Was it free? Well, you know, it's paid. I had Medicaid, so it was paid by New York State. Yeah, that's another beautiful synchronicity story.

1:06:39So, like, I kept going to meetings. The third day that I was going to meetings, I wound up in this big, huge meeting. It was like 80 people in there. And it felt like every person was sharing directly to me. Like, they had a message just for me. I mean, they didn't. They weren't, because they didn't even know who I was or that I was there. But it really felt like every share was God talking to me. And then I realized that inside this room, there was a woman there who was the program director of this long-term women's facility. And the only reason I knew who she was was because I had been in that facility years before.

1:07:13Because I had been in over a dozen detoxes and rehabs throughout my active use. because I never wanted to get clean. I just wanted the drugs to work again. So I would go into detoxes and rehabs to, like, rest and recalibrate so the drugs would work again. And I had been in her program before on one of those escapades where I was like, I'm just gonna hang out for a couple of months and then drugs will work again. And I left because they wouldn't let me draw on my eyebrows. And I was like, I'm not gonna be in a place where, like, I can't draw on my eyebrows. So I left. But I knew who she was, and she was inside this meeting.

1:07:46And so I knew that it was like another divine sign. Like, oh my God, okay. I just, I don't know how to be a person. This woman can help me figure out how to be a person. I can go into her rehab. I'll have a place to live. I'll have a clean bed. I'll have a shower. I'll have blankets. Like, this is it. This is what I have to do. and so I was like getting my courage up the whole meeting I have these two voices inside my head one is like you're a piece of shit you can't do anything right you're never going to be able to get clean why bother don't you dare ask for help we don't do that we'll figure it out on our own and then the other voice is like this woman is here for a reason you're supposed to talk to her you can do this you are courageous you are brave you can live a new life and so the meeting ends and I like run over to where she is and and and she was gone she left the meeting early and I I didn't notice.

1:08:31And so I felt totally defeated. And so with my head hanging, I walked to the bus to go home. And when I stepped onto the bus, she was sitting right there. She left the meeting early and was somehow on the exact same bus as me, not at the bus stop in front of the meeting, because that's where I was. And I ran up to her totally manic. And I was like, oh my God, I think that you're an angel. You're from outer space. You're here to help me. I can't believe that you're here. But I wanted to talk to you in there. But of course, I couldn't talk to you in there because you're actually here right now. This is totally insane.

1:09:00And she just looked at me so calm, and I said, like, can you help me? Will you help me? And she said, yeah, we can help you. Come by tomorrow, we have a bed for you. And that was it. It changed my whole life. I went to that program the very next day with just the clothes on my back. I didn't have anything. My most prized possession was a$200 vibrator. That, I always kept with me. I figured if I could leave that behind, I could do anything. Could you have possibly had a sex addiction as well? Oh, definitely. I mean, I was addicted. I have all the addictions, and I'm in recovery from all the addictions.

1:09:34I have years of abstinence away from all of my behaviors, which is a miracle, but it's not linear. Like, I've never used drugs again, thank God. Like, my eating disorders, I go up and down with those. Like, every once in a while, shit will flare up. Porn and masturbating, I've had years of abstinence away from porn, and then, like, going back in and seeing, like, oh, maybe I can do it a little bit. And, you know, there's a of, again, it's all trauma, right? I'm trying to fill this God-sized hole inside of me with things outside of myself, with shopping, with work, with money, with even service.

1:10:08I've like strung myself out on doing too much service inside my 12-step fellowship, like 15 service commitments. Like, nobody can do that. That's insane. What was the hardest thing to stop? The eating disorders. Definitely. Food is fucked up. Because like, you need food. There's nothing that you can do about it. That's the one thing I struggle with. I always see myself as, I should be in the best shape of my life. I've mastered so much, like you say, no porn, no alcohol, no gambling, no drugs. Eating. I walk by a cake shop and I'm in eating cake and I'm not even hungry. Yeah. Like, that's my, that's how I get through my pain, I think, with eating.

1:10:48Totally. I'm not a beast, but I feel it fucks with your confidence because everything, you try and disguise it all, and you know deep inside you should be doing better because you are eating, taking control of what you eat. It's one of the best controls you can ever do. Absolutely. Yeah, today I'm a sugar-free, gluten-free vegan, and I only drink water. Okay? I used to eat pills out of other people's puke. This is like major transformation. It's possible. And the thing with sugar, I went to a hypnotherapist because I was like, I was strung out on sugar. You know, I was like, I was having all these great milestones in my life.

1:11:26Like I was so happy. I was so elated. Like things are working out. Like people are asking me to speak places. I'm sharing my story. It sounds amazing. Like this is happening for me. I got a podcast, this, whatever. Like all of these things that I was defining as success. And every time something would happen, I would shove my face with vegan gluten-free cupcakes. So, you know, you could be like a vegan and be gluten-free and still eat poorly. And that's what was happening for me. And I was just consuming so much sugar. And I knew that I was using it as a drug to sedate my feelings of elation because I don't know what it feels like to be joyful.

1:12:01Like depression and sadness and suffering. Oh, I know that shit. I can deal with that. I have dealt with that my whole life. That's easy. That's so easy. But now on the flip side is like joy and happiness and connection. Like that stuff feels uncomfortable because it's so unfamiliar. Not because it's bad. It feels great, but it's unfamiliar. Tell me this. We're manipulators. Every addict's a manipulator. So we hide with addiction. I hid my gambling and all that. I hid it. Now that I love speaking about it and people love to hear it, I also feel as if I'm manipulating again because it's like another form of It's like the same, but yet, I don't know, it's so weird.

1:12:40Sometimes people tell me, you're doing amazing. I think you've fooled them. But something tells me, I think I've fooled you. You don't know. Wow. Yeah, that's real. That's a real thought. I think it really depends on intention. What is your intention? Of course, we want attention, right? That's a human thing. I want to be validated. I want people to like me. I want people to compliment me. That is a human thing. But when you're operating out of a level of authenticity, it's like, I'm going to, like, I feel that from you, right? Like, I'm going to share whatever it is that I need to share. I'm going to share brutally honestly.

1:13:14I'm going to share the truth because why the fuck wouldn't I? Like, who cares? Why wouldn't I share the truth? And however I'm perceived, that's none of my business. It really isn't. It's none of my business the way that other people perceive me. I don't feel like I'm manipulating. I do feel like it's a cosmic joke from the universe that like, wow, I get to just like really be myself and I get to like live abundantly as a result of just being myself. Like, it feels like a hack inside the video game of life. What do you think life is? I think life is about experience. So I think that it's a goalless game.

1:13:50I think that we're inside of a video game and there's no goal to the video game. It's just like the game Sims. I don't know if you've ever played Sims. It's Sims. Sims Earth. And it's chaotic, and there's a bunch of side quests, and there's no purpose. And it's just whatever you decide that it is. So, like, what is your end goal for the game? So, like, for me, mine is connection to spirit, connection to other people, connection to the world around me, to heal, to help others heal. Like, those are the things that are, like, the end goal. Like, that's the treasure, that's the boon inside the game for me.

1:14:24and for every person, it's gonna be something different. Did anyone else have those experiences that you had? With, um, like the spiritual experiences? Mm. I've never heard anybody say the exact same experience as mine, but I have tons of friends that are near-death experiencers, and there's like a certain kindredness between us. Why do you think you're still here? I'm still here because, yeah, because there's nothing to do. There's nothing else to do. So, like, I could go back home if I really wanted to, I guess, but I would just come straight back here. I really like being on Earth now. You know, like, I feel like I'm here.

1:15:05I feel like I'm in my purpose. And my purpose changes all the time. It's not like one rigid thing that's like, this is what you're here to be, an author, period, the end. It's like, sometimes my purpose is like connecting with another person like we're doing right now. or like holding the door open for a stranger or complimenting somebody on the street. But I feel purpose-led today. Not every second of every day. Like, I have my off moments. But like, overall, my life is led by purpose. What do you think of soul contracts? Do you believe that it truly exists, that you actually sign your contract before you come to Earth?

1:15:40Absolutely. I totally 100 % believe in soul contracts, which really lessens the idea of resentment in my life. Even the people that I still have resentments against, it's not the big things in my life. It's not the big traumas. It's like little bullshit. Like, oh, this person was controlling and I didn't like it. Or like, oh, that person cut me off in line. And like, fuck that, I'm going to hold a grudge forever. It's like really small things. But I think even those things are contracts in some way. Maybe not with the particular souls, but with the lesson behind it. Like, I keep getting the same lesson over and over again where I meet the same kind of person, but in a different skin suit.

1:16:16But it's the same energy, it's the same soul, but they're just manifesting inside different people. And it's like people who are liars, who are controlling, who are manipulative, all the things that I used to be. And every time I meet somebody like that, I automatically fucking hate them, I reject them, I want to have nothing to do with them, because I still haven't accepted that part of me fully. How do you truly, fully actually accept yourself, accept your past? Well, because I have this belief, or for me it's a knowing, but for other people it could be a belief, in the soul contract, there's no reason for me to hold myself in condemnation.

1:16:54I also know that God does not hold me in condemnation, so why the fuck would I hold myself there? And that's really the belief system that keeps me out of guilt and shame. It's like, I've been to heaven. If I made it to heaven as a crackhead prostitute, I'm pretty sure that everybody is going there. And so, like, for me, my conception of God or Source is that it's just this unconditional love. There's no duality in eternity. So there's no such thing as judgment or condemnation. The only judgment is that of benevolence. You only get judged in a state of unconditional love. So why would I judge myself here?

1:17:31What about your partner? How was it when you told him about your life? My husband's in recovery, too. I just got married last month. Congratulations. Thank you. Um... Yeah, you know, and this conversation has come up before, because, like, obviously, right, he knows that, like, I go out and I talk about it. He's an atheist, by the way. He's like, soul contracts? I don't believe in that. And that's totally okay, right? Like, we don't have to believe the same things to love each other, which is like a testimony to everyone in the world. Like, we all don't have to believe the same things to love each other.

1:18:03But, you know, like, he's in recovery as well. Like, he has a past. It's not necessarily like mine, But, you know, like, I really, I don't associate with the person that I was before. I truly do feel reborn. And it's not really, I've had some things happen. Like, I got on, like, one big podcast and somebody from my past, like, anonymously sent me some photos. because I used to, like, sell my porn. Like, that was part of what I did when I was prostituting, when I didn't want to actually see people. And somebody saved all my photos and videos and sent them back to me and said, like, don't forget who you really are.

1:18:39And, you know, my reaction to that was, that's not really who I am. That's who I was. And I feel bad for that girl. Like, I see those pictures and I'm like, damn, girl, you're really doing everything that you have to do to get what you need to get. And, like, how desperate that is. And that feeling is just, yeah, I have so much empathy for that part of me. So you're doing porn as well? Not like professional porn. I would just like, I would like set up cameras when I was like with guys and record myself so that I had content to sell to people. This is like pre OnlyFans. Pre OnlyFans, I was just about to say that.

1:19:14You had the genius mindset of a genius. I could have invented that. You could have started that. Was that your own idea to record? Or was that your own fetish? you know it was like one more layer of the like how can i get how can i really fuck with people because you know like my life was so desperate at that time that i was i was so desperate for like anything that would make me feel anything so like drugs weren't doing it sex wasn't doing it people weren't doing it nothing was making me feel the feeling that i wanted to feel because you know like once you're using drugs for that long they just you stop feeling anything like you're not getting high anymore.

1:19:53It's just like, you're just doing drugs. And so I would do whatever I could. Like, I would, yeah, I would do things like that. Like, I would hide cameras and, like, sell it on the internet. And, like, the people just wouldn't even know. What about blackmail? Blackmail? No. Like, me blackmail people? Who you were doing? No, never. I'll tell your wife. Not even. Not even. No way, no. Those guys were cool. They were helping me. Why would I do that? Yeah, but one of those videos might pop up in 10 years. Oh, my God. I hope they're all gone. I don't know, you know, like, that was like a particular person who had some kind of vendetta against me.

1:20:31But, you know, like, at the end of the day, even if that was something that happened, what can I do about it? Like, there's nothing that I can do about it. If it happens, it's supposed to happen. Like, that's kind of my approach to everything today. Like, whatever happens is meant to happen. Listen, it's a beautiful thing the way you own it. I love the honesty, I love the openness I interviewed an amazing girl just a few weeks ago Charlotte She used to inject snowballs Which was crack and heroin I watched it, yeah I was watching some of the clips Yeah, while pregnant And I just love her And I interviewed a cannibal This guy was called the vampire of Paris He used to eat people in the morgue So he used to take their body and eat them But I loved his honesty Like I connect more with honesty than anything I would rather sit with the honest cannibal than the millionaire fucking liar and people don't understand people say well you're not scared I'm not here to intimidate anyone my job is to make people feel at ease whether it's the cannibal or the hitman these people connect more with me because I'm giving them the time I'm not judging them we're all sort of judgy I still have elements of judge because I judge myself but in the whole picture I'm not asked who you are what you are as long as you can be transparent and own your misery because we're all ashamed There's certain things that I'll never speak about.

1:21:48There's certain things I'll die with, but it's just life. And I think the honesty and the purity of someone who can own their shit, I think it's a beautiful thing, because no one can then harm you. Exactly. And that's really the key to it. And, you know, people can't come out and share their stories honestly, unless they've done tremendous healing. You know, because somebody who still feels shame is gonna sit here and just fall apart and cry on the other end of the microphone if they haven't done the healing work. And the thing is, is that, because I believe in soul contracts, because I believe in pre-birth planning, I think that people plan these totally fucking bizarre lives.

1:22:25Like, the things that you just shared about the guests that you've interviewed, those things are bizarre. Those are weird life experiences that, and I truly believe that they picked those things. Why? Why did they pick those things? To help somebody else. Because it would be a beautiful thing if this was a dream or this was hell, and this was just like a computer game where you just had those experiences, because then the pedophilia and the deaths and the wars and all the badness in the world wouldn't be as bad if you knew it never had that true meaning or intention. It was just some sort of weird game.

1:22:57It would be a great feeling that all the wars and all the destruction and all the things that people have to go through was just a game. And it wasn't real. And it would make life easier. But you can believe that. Yeah, of course. You can believe everything. I believe that, right? And that's why life doesn't feel as heavy for me as it might feel for somebody who's taking everything very seriously. That might be because I had an experience where I was out of my body and I know that this world is not real reality. This is a dream that we're inside of. And, like, it's the same thing when you have a sleeping dream.

1:23:31I don't know what's going on in the outer world when I'm in a sleeping dream. I don't know who the president is. I don't know if there's a war going on. I'm only focused on my individual dream. And so I treat my life the same way, my waking dream, here, right now. I'm only focused on mine, the things that I'm passionate about, that I can create change about. I'm not gonna freak out about it. I diminish my ability to be of service to others when I take on the suffering of 8 billion people. There's nothing that I can do about all the suffering in the world. I can only impact my community around me.

1:24:05And so that's what I do. Were you at meetings with your husband? Yeah. So he kind of knew your story anyway. So it's not as if you just met him, go out in a few days and say, listen, I was a prostitute. I was sleeping with 80-year-old men. I used to video them. I used to shoot up heroin. Right, right. That's a lot of shit to drop on someone. Because listen, you're beautiful. Your eyes are twinkling. So if you met you on a dating app, you're sitting at dinner you're thinking this woman's got her head screwed on you wouldn't because you don't look sometimes people are addicts they've got the yeah the kind of clamped jaw the yellow skin so if i'm sitting with you and then before you notice they listen everybody's got secrets but if you're gonna drop all that bullshit that would scare 99 % of men away totally yes we met in a meeting we met in a we met in a 12-step meeting so like my story was already exposed.

1:24:50So, and it's empowering, too. It's empowering to be in a partnership where I can truly be myself, because that's not who I am anymore. Like, it's just one aspect of myself. Like, today, my husband deals with a totally different kind of addict, right? Because, like, now I'm like a workaholic, so he's just, like, dealing with, like, this businesswoman, like, this entrepreneur, like, doing all of these things. And so that's the addiction that he deals with, which is still racked in control, which is all that addiction really is, is like control dressed up. Yeah, that's what I've done with this podcast.

1:25:24It's just another form of addiction. Right. It's more healthier. You know, I don't harm anybody. I'm just creating a business and creating stories. And I believe these interviews, I still feel as if my interviews are underappreciated. I feel as if with the knowledge and with the conversations, I believe people can really change. I believe people can really make better decisions and understand that. no matter how fucked up your life is, we can all change. Like you were at the depths of hell that you were the bottom. You know, people think they're at the bottom because maybe working a shitty job.

1:25:56You're okay. Like you're okay. People who are out there working and still exercising, like if you're a few stone overweight, you can change that. It's not that deep, you know? Like you've came from fucking prostitution and heroin and... The thing is like trauma is different for everybody, right? Like, so trauma could be that I rate, you know, like a person raised their hand and a teacher didn't call on them and called on another girl instead. And so then that little girl who has her hand raised now thinks, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not chosen. And that can morph into tons of different things later in life.

1:26:32Some of the people that I interact with that I feel like are the most deeply traumatized are people who came from overachiever households. Like, yeah, my household was fucked, obviously, right? But, like, I was in survival mode. So, like, once you step out of survival mode and you go into living life and thriving, it's like a much different reality. But when you're safe, and, like, you don't have to be in survival mode, but you're in an environment where people are telling you that your worth is, you know, validated only through the number on a grade or, like, the degree that you get or the school that you go to.

1:27:06Like, that's hell, too. It's hell for certain people. It's all these different, you know, like, that's the thing about not comparing. Like, I'm not gonna compare my story to somebody else's. I'm just gonna identify with feelings. That's something that they teach you in 12-Step Fellowship. Like, our stories are not the same. Not everybody was like, sucking dick for crack. But like, we were all felt the desperation. People out there suck dick for nothing, so don't worry about it. But we have all felt the feeling of desperation. That like, we need to get the thing that we think is going to fix us and make us feel better.

1:27:37Did you ever read Many Lives, Many Masters? Yes, I have, yeah. So they're basically saying, yeah, that if you come into life with problems or this life that you have and you've got problems if you don't sort them out you come back to the next life with the same problems with an extra one added on so I'm thinking I must have went through a good few lives then and not changed anything this time I've changed a lot the eating thing I think I will master like I will eventually tune in but I hope it's not a case of it's too late you know where you end up, you hit your 40s and you end up obese or you've got maybe some sort of disease i don't want to put that out there to the universe but i always made changes when i felt as if i had to learn these lessons i don't want to learn the lessons i just want to do it now while i'm still fit and healthy i don't want to wait until i get the kick up the ass i know i should be doing it now same as with the gambling and i was pawning like the kids ipads and stuff and they would come home from school and look for their ipads and i would pretend to look under the bed and the and under the couch to look for them when i've just took them down and sold them like you are you do become a proper scumbag and yeah i fucking probably do it again if i'm honest just to go through those lessons because it makes me connect more at a deeper level it makes me understand more and you've got to go through all those lessons because everything now i'm a better son a better father a better brother a better friend i'm more reliable and that takes a lot you know but sometimes with that does take a lot of pressure what was it like getting married was this the third time yes it's a third time lucky were you emotional Do you get emotional now?

1:29:12No. I really don't get emotional. I mean, you know what? That's not true. So my algorithm on Instagram is only Hope Core videos. Like, I don't, it's nothing else. It's only videos of like, adopted children finding their birth parents, and like little kids being surprised by presents and stuff. That stuff makes me emotional. Like, all the joy that exists in the world, right? It makes me really happy. Um, but yeah, I don't get, like, overly emotional. Like, I don't really cry. My husband, though, he's an emotional man. So, like, he... Does it for both of you? Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does it for both of us.

1:29:49But I was just so happy. Like, you know, like, true happiness. Like, smiling ear to ear. Like, wow, what a gift it is to be able to find somebody that I can be truly me with, that we can grow together. Like, we've been together for five years, and I've just watched the two of us grow substantially together, gaining confidence, you know, manifesting things together, really living a super beautiful life. And I never thought, I always thought that I wanted to find somebody who would die with me. And I didn't realize that I was actually looking for somebody who would live with me, somebody who would live a real life with me.

1:30:26Sorry to be personal, but how is like sex life now? You don't need to answer that. Obviously, you can speak about your past, but sometimes with me, like I've done a lot of mad shit. And it always sometimes feels empty. Like it's just women to women, get it? There's no connection. But how is it with all this stuff that you've been through? Can you connect at people level? Yeah, that's a really good question. And I think that it gives hope to people who have experienced like a tremendous amount of sexual trauma, whether they've inflicted it on themselves or other people have inflicted it on them.

1:30:52You can experience pleasure. You can experience connection. It's just gonna look a little different. So like for me, intimacy looks different today. It used to just be like, let's just do this. like, let's get this over with, like, carnal, like, human. Now it's, like, emotional. It's more, like, touching. It's more eye contact. It's more kissing. It's more connecting before experiencing that together. And, you know, sex is a very spiritual thing. It's, like, the most creative thing that our bodies can do. They used to call orgasms la petite morte, the little death. And I do think that orgasms are, like, little near-death experiences.

1:31:31That's literally what heaven felt like to me, was just like a big, huge orgasm. So I think that there is something so sacred in sex, and you can use it. I used sex to help me heal all of my sexual trauma. Like, I used those orgasms to help me actually heal my sexual trauma. How long did it take to really overcome it? How many years? I think it's like an ongoing process, but for me, I remained totally celibate for two years. And then I finally started, you know, like, utilizing that sacred energy to help me heal even more. It's powerful energy. This is our chi. This is powerful, powerful energy.

1:32:09But you can, again, it's a belief system. So you can believe like, oh, celibacy will make me more money, or you can believe like, oh, connecting in an intimate way, and utilizing this sacred energy can also make me money. But they say that masturbating, you should actually visualize and not just porn or whatever. You can actually visualize making money or having... that life and apparently with because it's such a it's the force of life and it's full of minerals even when boxers go into big fights so they'll have semen retention for the eight weeks ten weeks because it will give them more energy so true you know i think with soul ties and energy sexual energy exchange it is it's a powerful force it's a powerful currency it absolutely is yeah i've manifested my whole life through sex magic through visualizing through orgasms what is sex magic it's just basically like what we were just talking about.

1:32:59So like utilizing that visualization energy, like when you're going to have, like, don't waste an orgasm. Like you can be using an orgasm to visualize something coming into fruition. If you can create a human life through orgasm, you can create anything through it. So that visualization energy is very, very powerful. So I would just like imagine like stacks of cash or like my business doing really well, or like I manifested in a new apartment for myself, like truly just through the act of orgasm. And if you can have a partner who's on board with it as well, or at least pretending to be, let's visualize a new home together.

1:33:36Okay, whatever. It can be like even more potent. What do you think the earth is? What do you think? I know we've talked about what you think is like Sims, but what do you think the actual earth is? Because in the Bible, it talks about a firmament, and a firmament, it's like a dome. They say we're in some sort of dome where you can't get out because people have done tests where they've tried to release things up like balloons with a camera and it's like hitting a roof. Yeah. You know, I don't put too much energy in trying to understand the illusion. Like all I know is that it's not real. It's an experience.

1:34:14It's just not real, right? Like it could be like Truman Show, we could be on a big sound stage. I think that all the time. I see the moon, I'm like, oh yeah, they got the light up there, the sun. Like, I'm thinking all the same things, like, same things as, like, studio lights. It could be that. But does it matter? Like, do I have to figure it out? What am I gonna get if I figure it out? Like, is there a puzzle to figure out? I've spent many, many years on the spiritual path thinking that there was some sort of destination to get to. Like, I will find the one piece of information that will make it all worth it.

1:34:44But at the end of the day, the piece of information that I have decided is the most worthy piece of information to help me continue on this path is just like, I don't know. I'm gonna turn all my question marks into exclamation points. Like, instead of being like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. It's stressing me out so much. I'm just gonna go, I don't know. Oh, my God, it's so cool. I can't wait to find out when I go back home. But for right now, I'm just gonna, like, enjoy the ride. Because I'm on a roller coaster. There's nothing that I can do. I can't get off. You can't hop off the ride halfway through.

1:35:13Let me just ride it through. Everything will be revealed later. I used to go down the rabbit hole. Yeah, it's intense. And then you lose yourself and you forget to live because everything becomes a conspiracy. So right now it's just, like you say, it's to find a balance, do some work, make people feel good around you and try and be happy and smile more. I just think you can get really lost. And I think when you question it, because it's even dumb questions that people come out with the scientific stuff and you think, but why is the moon in different shapes? Why is, when you go closer to the sun, it becomes colder?

1:35:42Why is it dark outside of there? like it doesn't make sense how certain things that's just stupid questions but they mean a lot to me because nobody's ever gave me concrete answers of what it's all about and that's okay as well you will never truly find out what it is actually about but what about for the future what's your plans uh my plans are to start a cult if you want to join you're welcome um you know i have a community that i started it's not a cult there's no leader but um just to like really be continuing to connect with people. I love assisting people on their healing journeys. There's nothing that lights me up more.

1:36:20I work as a transformation coach, and I do workshops, and I do one-on-one sessions, and I just get to, like, really give people space to be their honest selves. Right now, where I'm at is, like, helping people learn how to embody things. So whether you've had a transformative spiritual experience or you just fucking hate Earth, there's probably something that's going on that has you disconnected from this physical body. This is the learning device. Like, this is the textbook that we go through Earth in. So I love helping people learn how to embody. Just like, you know, I'm not like, I'm not super spiritual.

1:36:53I'm more like, let's get this shit done. Like, we're moving. Like, let's keep going. And I love that, you know. I'm writing a book, so that's my future too. New York Times bestselling author manifesting it through orgasms, maybe. What about vibration? Vibration. Yeah. What do you think of vibration? So for me, like I raise my frequency by doing certain things for my body, right? Like I eat clean and I drink water and I don't consume bad content or information like quote unquote bad. I don't, I don't watch things that like lower my frequency, my vibration. I exercise my body. All of those things, they make my vibration higher so that I can be in a different frequency here.

1:37:39Life is a roller coaster. It is definitely a roller coaster and it's a beautiful experience. For anybody that's, what do you think of religion now? Because I know you talk about God and stuff, but what's your whole opinion on it? Yeah, I think that there's, like, truth in all religion. But I think that anything that's super rigid and organized is probably... It lacks the spiritual principle of open-mindedness. So when you're lacking a spiritual principle, it's very hard to be connected to spirit. So I think that there's truth in all religions, though. I've studied all the sacred texts. There's some good shit in each of them.

1:38:14And there's also some weird stuff in all of them. And so, you know, you just have to, like, cherry pick what works for you. You're allowed to design your own belief system. You don't have to be in somebody else's box. You can make your own box. But people are truly brainwashed. Yeah. And listen, there's some people who are religious that are great people, but there's a lot of dark satanic stuff in these books as well. And I think, why do we need to read that? Because you are what you read. And you look at the schooling system as well. Why are they teaching us about certain things from history and not trying to get our creativity and our individuality, I think.

1:38:46I'm not religious. I've never read the Quran. I've never read the Bible I've looked into Buddhism but even when you break it all down I've watched the Dalai Lama but he was sticking his tongue down a young kid's throat and you see all these non-season priests and paedophiles I just think should we really be taking advice from these so-called leaders? It is culty everything is a cult whether you support a sports team you just want to be part of a little tribe or a cult to feel part of something And I think that, I think it's lack of communication, why people struggle. I think it's lack of feeling part of something.

1:39:24That's why people feel, join the circus and do all the mad stuff. But yeah, I don't have all the answers, but I just love interesting people and interesting stories to try and figure it all out and try and put some pieces together. Like it's a fucking mad journey. Yeah. Again, like I love turning my question marks into exclamation points. Like, I don't know what the fuck is going on. All of this is way above my pay grade. This is not for me to understand here. I only came to Earth with a two-gig flash drive. And all that I can keep on my flash drive, so like, I think that the first part of our life, other people are programming our flash drive, right?

1:40:00And that's like where we learn everything that we have to unlearn later in life. And that's part of the game. Part of the game is like you mislearn everything so that you can educate yourself and teach yourself whatever the way is that you want it to be later. And so my 2Gig flash drive only has space for a certain amount of things on it. So I had to delete all these old programs. Like, no more limiting beliefs, no more poverty consciousness, no more sexual trauma, all that shit's getting deleted off the flash drive. Now I'm going to upload new things. But I don't have space for like, what is the meaning of life?

1:40:33Or like, why does everything exist? The only things I have space for is like connection, service, community, open-mindedness, honesty, authenticity, and then my flash drive's pretty full. What's the best advice you've ever had? Best advice I've ever had is, well, there's this quote, when I believe it, I'll see it. So most people think when I see it, I'll believe it. I think I kind of heard you say that too, right? I need some evidence, I need some logical, concrete, I need to see it." But when you believe it, the world manipulates itself around, so that you can see it. Yeah, the law of attraction, you've got to believe it to see it.

1:41:11Right. I'm just talking about the external stuff, like aliens and, I don't know. It's all stories, though. If you like those stories, then yes, believe those stories, and you'll see more of it. Like, the more that you put your, like, when you go down a rabbit hole, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh my god, yeah, like this conspiracy theory, it's all over the place, Everybody's talking about it. Because that's all that you're believing in the moment. And so you'll just... It's confirmation bias. And that's how the law of attraction works, is it's always confirming whatever our belief is.

1:41:40So my belief is, I don't care about what's going on in the world around me. And so the law of attraction just gives me more of that, right? What's your biggest regret? I don't think I have any regrets. I would never... I wouldn't give my story back at all. I wish that I could, like, apologize sooner when I do things poorly now. Maybe that's like kind of a regret of mine. I wish I could make amends a little bit easier. Did anybody else make changes? The people you were hanging around with back in the day? You know, I have this one really incredible story about, like, when you're doing step work, the eighth and ninth step is the amends process.

1:42:14So like, I wrote down this long list of all the people that I had harmed, and I read it out loud to my mentor, to my sponsor, and it was a lot of women that I harmed, right? Like, a lot of them. They're all on this list. and she says, okay, I want you to reach out to everybody, like, start making your amends, try to find them. And I'm like, okay, I don't know, like, I don't think these people want to talk to me, but like, okay, if this is what I have to do to get better, this is what I'm gonna do. And I prayed over the list and I put it under my pillow, and the next morning I woke up to a text message.

1:42:44And it was one of the women on the list. I hadn't spoken to her in eight years. And she reached out to me and she said, hey, I heard that you were in recovery and I was hoping that you could help me do the same. And it was just, like, so fucking incredible. I didn't even have to, like, go searching for her. Like, all I did was I set intention, I prayed over a list, and then she found me. And I wish that I had some great ending to that story. Like, and now she has five years in recovery. I don't. I don't have that ending to this story. But it was just, like, a miracle, right? That, like, people are watching us.

1:43:15As we get better and we share about what it's like to be in recovery, it's not perfect in recovery. Like, yeah, shit is still shit. Like, being a human is still being a human. But it's a lot easier to cope with stuff when I'm not blasted out of my head, fucking totally in another universe, not paying attention to reality. So I was able to help that girl and give her some resources. And, you know, I don't know if she got better or whatever, but it was a cool thing. What's the worst thing you've seen? Oof, that's rough. Um, you know, I work, I've worked in the field of substance use disorder since I've been in recovery.

1:43:51And just watching women use drugs while they're pregnant, like, using drugs around their small children, having strangers in their houses, not knowing what's going on, that's very hard for me to deal with. It's hard for me to be around the consequences of active addiction, because I see it all the time. And, like, it just doesn't make me resent the women or, like, you know, think poorly of them. it just makes me really hate addiction, because addiction is a fucked up thing. It makes people do fucked up stuff. What's happening with the book then? When can people get it? Um, I don't know. It's still in the process.

1:44:31What else have you got planned? Um, I have a retreat coming up in Mexico, in March of 2026 now, and that's really exciting. What sort of retreat? What a fucking sex retreat is it? Manifesting your life through orgasms, Everybody bring their vibrator with them. It's seven spiritual teachers, like all near-death experiencers or spiritually transformative experiencers, all with different healing modalities, like Reiki masters and Lama Traction coaches, shadow work coaches, sound alchemists, happiness guides, identity refiners. And we're just gonna be like healing in paradise together. It's the first time that we're ever doing this.

1:45:13I'm really excited about it. Yeah, I'm a Reiki master. Oh, you are? Oh, wow, look at you. 10 years ago now with Lorna McLean like great lady yeah and I come from a very rough area so like through my family and friends who were crazy and then people say it was a spiritual awakening but I don't know I always kind of even when I was in the midst of my madness I always knew that I had better I always knew I was going to do more I used to look at people and I think look at them I was good at deflecting and blaming other people but I always knew yeah I had something special and Reiki people were talking about it and I thought what is that it's like healing energy and chakras then I started looking into it then I booked this course so coming from where I'm come from and then I'm in this room with like six old ladies on a fucking bed and it's like healing hands and I'm thinking like I grew my hair I had a little top knot and like know how that that spiritual way you go you start wearing the baggy like trousers like you become like a like it's a weird thing like people actually look the same when they're kind of going through that journey and i had a photo of my little certificate with lawn there and and people were saying he's fucking lost his mind people thought i was worse then than i was when i was actually just sniffing all the time like it's crazy and yeah it was a great experience i never really used reiki i kind of use it sometimes after intense interviews but it's something i might get back into it because it's a beautiful experience.

1:46:43And I think like you say, with the intention or the meaning behind it, when people go to do Reiki, same as Ayahuasca, it's your intention. If you think you're going to get the good, then you will get the answers. The placebo effect as well, I think, picks into play. Yes, absolutely. I love that. I love the Reiki story. And yes, you know, something that happens when you let go of regular ego or whatever it is, like it could be addiction, it could be control, judgment, whatever, but you start to develop this spiritual ego when you come onto the spiritual path. And so that's like when you have the top knot, and the flowy clothes, and all that stuff.

1:47:20And it's just one more layer of ego, right? It's kept now you have this superiority about you, because you know more than other people know. And that's not spiritual at all. You do think that? I became a preacher. I thought I was fucking Jesus. Yeah, me too. I think I stopped for like four months, which was my longest since probably the age of 16. And I stopped for four months, but they call it the pink cloud I felt amazing I genuinely felt amazing and I thought wow life is good and I never worked I got my first proper job at 30 years old and then yeah I became a personal trainer and I cheated my way through the course and I'll still there's still part of me always looks for loopholes still now and and I cheated it was a six week intense course and after the six weeks I'm good at the communication I can speak to the old man in the gym and build that rapport but the sort of like the written stuff I thought nah I just cheated it was unlimited reset so I copied all the answers from the girl next to me I got my first job this was my first ever job and within six weeks I was head PT I was in charge of 20 other personal trainers I was fully booked after six weeks because I would speak to people and I would build a rapport not really knowing what I was doing I wanted to know their dog's name their kids names male female old young and by after the few weeks people would feel comfortable so after they felt comfortable they would come to me for personal training so people would be in this industry for 10 20 years I'd done it six weeks I was fully booked I became head PT I wasn't paying any rent because the kid who was in before me gets sacked for taking steroids so after the six weeks I became top boy and in this big gym And I'm thinking wow man I've got something about me And then I was going to do motivational speaking I was big on Les Brown and Tony Robbins back in the day And I was coming to America to crack America for motivational speaking But I had to go back home for my auntie Margaret's funeral And I had a drink and I went missing for a year I fucked everything I worked for Fucked my job, fucked everything Didn't want to do anything again but within that year I knew how good my life was within that two years so I got straight back on it now I've not touched anything since nearly eight years.

1:49:39Wow so do you think that it was the grief that made you have the drink? Nah I don't care when people die I don't care I think fuck it I've been to over 50 funerals now I've been to a lot of deaths I've seen a lot of deaths like my grandparents and other people died around me would take their last breath and the beautiful thing about that is when someone takes their last breath they're not distressed they go in peace it's like a sigh of relief you know like they feel good it's not screaming i don't want to go i don't want to go they all go and they're going with a kindness and they're peaceful about them and you see the strain come from their face and yeah it was never death death doesn't i don't fucking care about death if i see an animal being hurt i'll cry like i can people can tell me their worst stories i don't phase it but I can flick through my phone on Instagram and I'll see a dog running around with a toy and they'll put a little kids voice over it saying this is the way your dog is when it's running with a toy and I'll get emotional like I love my dogs like fuck my kids and my family I don't care about them I don't do anything for them but my dogs because they have a purity they have something about them that it shows actions speak louder than words they don't speak but they love for any animal or something whether it's a cat or a dog there's something important in that message that words don't really mean anything it's their action dogs will sit with you whether you're homeless millionaire sick happy sad a dog will always sit with you if you're its owner and that for me is what it should be about and I think too many people quit too easy and I think too many people don't have that loyalty but when you have dogs you know what loyalty is yeah and you know they say that that our pets are also on soul contracts with us that our pets pick us before we come here I have two Rottweilers so it makes sense um how are you feeling today i feel good yeah yeah that's a great conversation very flowing like i think a lot of people get stuff from this thank you for your honesty but most importantly for anybody that's in a life of struggle right now what advice would you have for that find other people okay like if you're by yourself you're the person who got you into the mess in the first place you're in bad company okay find somebody else reach out to me find your into a 12-step meeting, there's people in there waiting to lift you up.

1:51:52You're not alone. Call 988 if you have to. I don't know what it is in the UK, but like, you know, there's helplines. Just don't be on your own. I use this analogy a lot. When we first came to Earth and we were cavemen, we were in tribes of people. Why were we in tribes of people? Because if we weren't, we would get eaten by a tiger, right? But nothing has changed. We still need tribes of people. The tigers have changed. They've changed shapes. Now the tigers are depression and anxiety and addiction. and isolation and disconnection. So we need each other in order to lift each other up. And so find a community.

1:52:26Come be part of mine. Wearethewheel.com. What is your social media links for people who's maybe want to reach out and ask questions? Yeah, so my handle on everything is Buddha Betty. It's a play on words. I'm not really a Buddha. And I would love to connect with anybody. I think you're amazing. I think you're doing great. I wish you nothing but the best for the future. And like I say, anything I can ever help with, I'm only a phone call away. Thank you and God bless. Thanks so much.