Escaping the War but not the Mental Hospital - Mindset Soldier Dave Smith Opens Up

23:07So I went to the mosque with him and that, went into it quite a little bit and actually converted to Islam when I was 16, bro. Do you know what I mean? It was a big step for me. But I think it was more the community for me. Do you know what I mean? I never had anyone. They fed me, they house me when I had nothing. Do you know what I mean? It was the community thing. Learned Arabic, prayed, stayed in Leicester's mosque, the main mosque. Stayed there Friday, Saturday, Sunday, doing Jumma, praying. But I just never had the answers. And when I was 16, my mom lived around the corner from the mosque that I actually converted at.

23:39And I didn't see it from my mom for around about six months. And I went to the mosque and I spoke to one of the mullahs there, Dawood, his name was this David in Arabic. And that's what I converted my name to as well. And we were speaking, we were conversing that and he was just like, how did your mom and dad feel about you converting your family? I said, look, I don't speak to my mom, who lives around the corner. It's in commentary, in paradise. And I hadn't spoke to her about six which is quite abusive and stuff. I said, I don't know my real dad. He said, look, you need to go and speak to him all night.

24:04Something don't seem like, something bad's going to happen. Didn't really take a knowledge of it. So it was like a Wednesday evening. Remember footballers' wives? Yeah. I'm in a sick program, bro. It's like a Monday, Tuesday night. That was on, on a Thursday. Yeah. So I was watching that and I remember around about half, seven, eight o 'clock, just knocking the door. You could, you know a police knock. I was like, fuck. So I tried to hide the drugs and stuff like that. I was like, why I'm going to get fucking raided here or something. And, uh, my stepdad opened the door. he was like, oh, is David Smith there?

24:30He said, yeah, he's upstairs. What's he done? I was like, fuck's sake, I could hear it over the balcony. He was just like, oh, we just want to pass on that Marie Gray Smith passed away. I just fucking sunk, bro. I just couldn't, like my mom, like I haven't seen him in six months.

24:47Just got, I didn't, I couldn't believe it. So I literally, my stepdad shouted up, he was like, David. I was like, dad, he was like, did you hear that? I said, yeah. Never got any emotional support. Do you know what I mean? So I just put my shoes on, ran from Holbrookes all the way down to paradise. Furbous I've ever ran. Do you know what I mean? Knocking at the door, couldn't believe she was fucking dead. Just fucking stood there crying, bro. Just couldn't believe my mum was gone. I didn't have that opportunity to mend anything. And that's why I try not to live by regrets. We've all got on, but that's one of my biggest regrets is not doing that.

25:17Because when we went through her belongings and stuff like that, she had a diary. It was purple. It was her favorite color. And she wrote my birthday because I'm a Valentine's baby. She died in March. and she'd written there like I really miss my boy. I feel like I'm dying from a broken heart. Fucking hell, like four weeks later, she actually died from a broken heart attack. And it was just like, I didn't know how to comprehend that. And I went back to the mosque trying to get some clarification and stuff and they were just like, it's God testing you. I was like, I just couldn't comprehend that, bro.

25:4516, do you know what I mean? So I turned my back on the faith a little bit. I just couldn't comprehend it. And then fell out on my stepdad. It was quite abusive at the time as well. with a bit of violence and back and forth. But I was a cheeky kid, so I deserve the slap now and again. Like it makes you kind of think. And then, yeah, I was pushed on the street. I had to go homeless, bro. I was living on the streets for like two years, living in hostels, halfway houses, anywhere I could kind of sleep, trying to get accommodation. I tried to join the military, but couldn't, because I had no registered address.

26:14I was homeless. So I had to go through the process of registering myself homeless to try and get accommodation, halfway houses and stuff like that. And that's where my journey started in 19 and joined the military, bro. How was it? Homeless? Did you feel safer actually being homeless? I've done a documentary where I slept on the streets for seven days, but after three, four days, you kind of, I was waking up sometimes thinking, is this my life? I thought I was hallucinating sometimes because you're always on guard. You don't really sleep because I was always hearing noises and I didn't want anybody.

26:44Everyone's, everything's different. Yeah. I didn't want anybody to plug me or whatever. And I seen people getting urinated on and some homeless men get shot on. like it's fucking filthy, but it's a weird little world, but you can understand why a lot of people who I was interviewing were not on drink or drugs at the time. They just had nowhere to go, wanted to run away from home, run away from the care system. The drinking, the drugs became their warmth. It became their family, became their escape. It wasn't because they were addicts. And then they come home. Yeah, they weren't addicts before they hit the street.

27:15They hit the street and realized nobody cares. Nobody loves me. Thousands of people walk by me every day. and that's the sad reality is human beings nearly 9 billion people on the planet and there's people dying on the street all around the world yeah and yet we're so caught up in our own little world including myself I've wouldn't say fairly away from it I still do charity work for the homeless but not as much as I should because you get caught up in your own shit sometimes your own importance yeah of course but when you actually walk by homeless people as somebody's son or daughter you don't realise the extent why are we not doing enough to help our own help our people you know like it's just start from home charity should start from home we should be doing enough to help everyone on the streets everybody with mental health but we can because there's just so many so big numbers we've let the fucking place go to shit you know oh this country 100 it's not safe to fucking live in bro yeah anywhere you go in this country it's not safe to live in bro at all do you know i mean it's just same with veterans on the street it's fucking diabolical bro do you know i mean i support 100 people don't follow me because i support veterans that are on the streets and trying to help them.

28:18Do you know what I've had people fucking message me? Like, I'm only following you because of that. I couldn't give a fuck, mate. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It shows the person that you are. Do you know what I mean? Follow me because I'm trying to help veterans get off the street or throw support through my social media. God's given me a platform to help people. That's how I see it. I'm the same. Charity stars at home. We should be helping the people here first. Why is there people, veterans, fighting for their country but not the fights for them when they come home? That there should be enough support mentally, even for anybody in the the police service, the fire brigade, the ambulance, but the things and the traumatic experiences they have to go through on a daily basis, 24-7, is unbelievable.

28:56I always grew up to hate the coppers. Fucking hate them. All my family were dodgy. So when they used to come to the door, we never answered the door. No matter who it was. Fuck off, mate. Everybody hide behind the couch. Doesn't matter who it was. The door never got answered because we had a special whistle. Somebody would whistle, so we know it was one of our boys. Show me the whistle, bro. It was like a whistle we used to do. And we know it was one of our own because the next door Jean, she was dodgy as fuck. And everybody was always active or up to something. But I was grew up to hate them.

29:26It's not until recently I realized what they actually go through to choose that job, to then see the things that they see in a daily basis, the traumatic experiences. And yet there's fucking no help for coppers. They're still cold, cold, cold, bro. Do you know what I mean? The shit they go through, same as soldiers. We ain't appreciating this country. Americans, bro, when we speak to Americans, like I've done a couple of tours of Afghan. Mate, like the admiration they show, bro, is unreal. Do you know what I mean? The whole congratulated, yeah, let me buy you this, mate, here, a cup of coffee.

29:52Here, you're just spat and called baby killers. Mm-hmm. We are babies as well, bro. I joined the world at 19, bro. I was wet behind the ears, bro. And then I was straight into Afghan. Do you know what I mean? It's mad. Was there any scary experiences on the streets? There was a couple, bro. You're just feeling safe. Every opportunity, like people either ignore you, do you know what I mean? Try and rob you when you've even got nothing to do. You're scared. like even when, I think the main thing is I never used to try and stay in town centers Friday, Saturday, Sunday, because that's when people were drinking.

30:19They didn't give a shit. They'll throw shit at you, throw beer at you, fucking, do you know what I mean? Food at you, kick you, they wouldn't really care about you. Do you know what I mean? So you used to move out there outside the city. Because if you notice, people obviously ask for money through the, through the weekends and stuff like that. People have got money, then you would move away. And that's why I tried to process it, bro. So you try to go into the army, 19? 19, yeah. Big decision for you? No plan B bro, that was it. It was literally plan A. I had no, what the fuck was I gonna do? Live back on the streets.

30:47Did that bro. Basic training, 2009, 25th of January started. Nine months of training and literally about two months before I was supposed to pass out, I got notified my real dad passed away. I had no emotional connection to it bro. Didn't know what to do. If I took time off, the DSS said to me, like the staff was just like, we're gonna have to back squad you. So back squad, I have to start probably from the beginning of my training. And that was my first, I think, realization, like no one's going to help you. And stop giving up your opportunities for people that hand out have had opportunities for you.

31:21I was like, no, I'm not fucking doing that. I'm carrying on. I'll deal with this shit when I'm, when I'm done with it. I passed out of training. Um, I got best recruit bro. I have nearly a hundred soldiers. I've got best recruit. Do you know what I mean? I was just like mad, like the best soldier out of a hundred soldiers. And six, nine months ago I was living on the streets. It's mad. I interviewed Chris Ryan. He was, was it the longest escape they'd done? Yeah. SES. But he was saying when you, cause he used to do SES selection. And he says the majority of kids who are in the SES come from the broken home, being abused.

31:55And that's what makes them the strongest soldiers because they don't want to quack. How can you break the unbreakable? Yeah. You know, I think it's around about 70%. Well, this is like, it's statistics from years ago, nearly 70 % of people that go into the military, especially the infantry that normally come from broken homes. And that's a high percentage now. It's right, it's mad. But it's in a perfect world, there shouldn't be any wars. And it's mad how kids can join at 16 and 17. But if you've not got anything, then it is the perfect escape. You're getting money, you're getting fed, you've got a brotherhood, you've got something to fight for, what you think you're fighting for anyway.

32:30But it is a sense of grooming as well. If you've not got anything, you're the broken kid. us and we can protect you, we can do this, but then there's no protection once you're - You're built to be a weapon bro. Yeah. You're a machine. Yeah, 100 % and you are in the infantry, especially that was in the Grenadier Guards, you're built to be a weapon, you kill first bro. Do you know what I mean? And that's the mentality. So when you come in and off tour, I couldn't, I couldn't, my brain couldn't like comprehend what was the difference sometimes. So when I was 19, passed out, obviously then find out my real dad passed away within two months, I was a battle casualty replacement on my first tour of Afghan.

33:03But my dad, madly enough, like he fucked off to London. He had another family. I tried to find my sister. I couldn't, I'm still trying to find her. I've got a half sister somewhere. His name was John Atkins. He lived in Ball Hill, but he moved back to Coventry about a year or two before he passed away. I think it was suicide, bro, because he was diabetic type one. He just completely stopped taking care of himself, went into a diabetic coma and killed himself. But he actually read a letter to me. So he used to come and watch me play basketball most nights. even fucking know bro like where he lived i used to play basketball about three four times a week he used to come and watch me bro i never had the courage to come and say hello i was just like i never want to be that person that has that regret and i'm not coming over to speaking to my son do you know i mean it's heavy to take that on like the amount of guilt and remorse he probably had as a dad he never had the fucking balls to come and speak to me bro i don't want to be like him does that uptake you yeah do you know what i mean like he could have changed the whole course of my life Do you know what I mean?

34:00At five, six years when I was being abused, if he was around, he could have come and got me out of care. Do you know what I mean? I can put a lot of blame in him, but I won't. Like the world's evil sometimes, but he could have stopped a lot of pain. But I thank him for it, because I'm here helping people. Do you think he knew what you were going through though? Nah, not at all, bro. Didn't have a fucking clue. Why would he? Do you know what I mean? It's easy to move on, make another family. He's trying to forget about it. That's what a lot of men do. We just try and forget about the pain. Do you know what I mean?

34:28So we try and make something out of it. Like we spoke about, it's the easy option to just lock everything up, move on and try and forget. But the guilt is always there. The pain is always there because as a human, whatever, as a soul will, something that tells us you're not doing it right here. You're not doing the right thing, but we just block it out, block it out. And that's when people become suicidal. That's when they then dabble in drinking drugs and try and block it out and forget. It just makes it a hundred times worse. eventually does lose the top of that peak and it just all comes squatting down everywhere it's coming out bro yeah and like i say people are a sponge bro i mean they absorb everything around and whether it's negativity as soon as you squeeze that spring bro it's coming out it's not just leaking it's out what was your first tour so my first tour was 2009 um as a winter tour um yeah it was mad that definitely turned me into a boy yeah a boy from a man how so just first contact, I remember it, literally the endorphins and serotonin were just hyped.

35:29Like as soon as I was being shot at and UGL'd or rocket launch, like you look at your mate and you just start laughing, like that nervous laughter. Like fucking, I've just been fucking shot at. Yeah, mate, you need to shoot back, mate. Do you know what I mean? So then you start regulating yourself a little bit better. Do you know what I mean? It was mad. That tour was horrific. There was a lot of deaths in that tour. Like quadruple amputees, multiple amputees, seeing people blown up, kids being shot, killed. Um, it's mad, but it's just processing that at 19 was hard enough anyway. But then with the trauma that you've been through, I was kind of built for it, bro.

36:04Like I didn't buckle, like everyone that knew me for the military, it's Smudge they call me obviously, Smith for the military. I never buckled in the pressure bow until I was by myself. And that's when I started to buckle on the tour, gleaming soldier, first in combat. Do you know what I mean? I would push people out of the way to take a bullet form. that was kind of my forte. Then coming back off that tour, that's when it kind of worsened for me. I didn't really regulate properly, drink, drugs again, the same kind of thing, young lad, thinking you're invincible, going out, fighting. Do you know what I mean?

36:37Did you ever kill anyone? On tour, I don't tell people about stuff like that, just because it's not a nice thing to have. Whether you've killed someone or not, it's... I should, you shouldn't glorify it. You take another people's life, even if they are evil and they're doing evil. I don't think you should glorify that. It's something like a brotherhood you keep in the military. You don't tell anyone that you killed anyone. You speak to yourself and your comrades about it, but there's been some very fucking dark situations and that's all right. How is that when you see brothers, if you're growing a connection and probably felt love for the first time from building that community, seeing them being killed to seeing them losing limbs.

37:17It's hard, bro. Do you know what I mean? But what the military teach, teach I, I think it's freaking amazing. I think every boy and woman should go in the military, bro, at some point in their life, because it teaches you something in the military called seed drills, which is courage, discipline, respect, integrity, loyalty, and selfless commitment. Them things I put in every situation in my life. Do you know what I mean? See my mates being shot, stabbed, blown up, defecated. Do you know what I mean? It's just, it's a shock, bro. But the training just kicks in, and the training never failed me.

37:46What I was training for, you don't know until you go through it. Do you know what I mean? Anyone can join the military, but everyone's a soldier. And I always say that I was born to be a soldier from the shit I've been through. And most people in the military, like you say, come from broken homes, they are built for chaos, bro. I don't do good and calm. I can't sit by myself. I was like, do you know what I mean? I just can't sit still. There's chaos. I'm there. I'm in it. I'm always attracted towards it because the chaos just brings me a bit of calmness. What's the worst thing you've seen? On my second tour, um, my good friend John Dawson I went through training with, named Puddin.

38:20Um, he got shot in the head by a sniper. Yeah. If he's got a fucking fat head though, if it was me, bro, I would've been fucking dead. To survive? Yeah, he survived, bro. So, um, coming off the first tour, I became a lunch corporal, physical training instructor. Went for a bit of mental health problems. Do you know what I mean? Drink, drugs, fighting, got done for ABH, GBH. Talk about the second tour, 2012 was very kinetic, summer tour. Do you know what I mean? and the Taliban were trying to keep their poppies and their fields safe, do you know what I mean? So they're there to kill anyone around it because that's the poppy, the money, the heroin, do you know what I mean?

38:55So we'd go there, cut them down. Every time we stuck into the green zone, bro, it was a firefighter, someone got shot, killed, or fucking blown up every single time. It was horrific that tour. I think it was over 100 injuries, five deaths. But on that day my mate John Dawson got shot, the atmosphere just changed, bro. like you just, soldiers have six cents, their intuition, they have six cents, their five and twenties. Southern just wasn't right that day. The atmosphere changed, people wasn't around. Do you know what I mean? I was like, yeah, something's going to go wrong today. Just felt it. And we took over a compound, we got ambushed and took over a compound.

39:34And, um, when I was moving into the compound, John Dawson, let me just stop for that or not? I don't know. John Dawson came inside with me. We were like, right, these are the arcs, went outside. Went to the corner of the building, we started giving return fire, me and Ali Engum. And I remember John Dawson taking his rifle, still getting fucking shot at mate from this mosque on the fire left hand side. And John Dawson had a hard cock, so when the bullets got jammed, he started taking his rifle like apart. This was John bro. When he was still being shot, I'm like, John, what the fuck are you doing, bro?

40:07You're taking part of your weapon and when you're still getting shot, he was like, oh, sorry mate. It's like fucking get down, take it. So I ended up grabbing his weapon system, jamming it, hitting it, and the round, I remember the round going, yeah, and I ended up catching that round and putting it in my offspray. And I kept that round in there. Went back into the firefight, the firefight douged off a little bit, then went back into Science Shepherd, told him, like, these are the arcs. We need to move from this position and take over another compound. We needed to search the area as much as possible, try and find where the sharpshooter was, or this sniper.

40:37And there was a mosque and the platoon commander at the wouldn't allow us to go in the mosque to check because it was against their religion and stuff. I said, look, I'll convert this and let me speak to them all and see if we can go in there. Wouldn't have it, bro. I was like, this one was wrong here. We took over a compound and then it was me and John Outward on top of the compound. We were taking over the axe. He was the sharpshooter. So about 45 minutes, we were checking the area, doing 360s. Couldn't find anything, not being shot at, because there were like baiting, they're called baiting ops.

41:06So we'd go out literally to get shot at, bro. So when they shoot back at us, then we can, under Cardiff rules, we can shoot back at them. nothing happened for about 45 minutes an hour john dawson took over my position and engum took over john outwood's position when john dawson came up i told him the arcs look out for the compound and the moss make sure you're keeping your eyes out make sure you've got your five and twenties and all the arcs if you have a drink bro just fucking get down in your back i couldn't drink because there was divots where like the sundire was make sure you're down so you're less of a target he's like yeah yeah sound bro i got back off the building took my off my helmet, put my rifle down, literally had flip-flops and my trousers on and all you heard was bam.

41:49So I looked in the compound, maybe looking up, shouting at Engum, like, Engum, where are you? He was in shell shock. He was just like, I said, where the fuck is Dawson? Where is he? He just pointed at him. I was like, fuck's sake. So I got the ladder, went up, no body armor, no helmet, no nothing. Seen Dawson just curled over. I was like, fuck. So got on top of the compound, went over to him, trying to check where the entry and exit wound was, couldn't find anything still getting fucking shot at so I grabbed his body pulled it covered my body with his just in case he got shot then if he's already been shot and he's he's going to be in a very worst position or possibly dead so I covered him in my body so we didn't get shot again trying to check where everything is check his cock balls everywhere like that trying to get entry roots is your arsehole your ears see where the blood's coming from couldn't see anything but then I tilted his head and you could see it so he'd been shot from the bottom left hand side of his um jaw it'd come out of the top of his head the round because probably like you know rounds are made to do as maximum damage as possible as soon as it goes into your body it's best to ricochet as much as possible dumb dumb yeah yeah so it just literally goes in ricochets as much as possible to get as much damage as possible and then come out um tilt with it there's not much you can do with a head injury bro you can't put any head come on it you can't do anything with it you can't put a tourniquet around his neck to stop the bleeding it's like fox he was choking on his blood so i tilt with his head still getting shot at kept ducking i don't know why i'm ducking like i'm fucking matrix or something but it's initial reaction in it you hear it so i was shouting down give them cover and fire while i took over dawson dragged him up got him into a bit of cover um tilled his end pulled his tongue out and he was just lifeless but it was like a ton of weight like he must have weighed about 90k anyway offspring on top on top of that it's about 120 125 kg but when adrenaline is kicking in you can do a lot of things got them to take over the um fire they were doing that giving me support fire went over to the medic got john dawson up put him down to the medic got him down i met my my mate charlie leonard he was at the bottom of the fucking uh the ladders i said move your head bro because i'm tipping it down he just didn't listen to me so as i've tipped with him all the blood has just gone straight in his mouth we're just laughing like this dark sense of humor in the military bro i was like fucking hell mate like you can't have that got him down off the compound took him over to the medic the medic took over i took over the firefight, literally got the rocket launch, it was a 66, you literally just snap it, crack it and pop it.

44:04Literally did that, hit the fucking mosque, stopped the compound and it hit the compound and stopped the firefight. It just went dead. Trying to look out for Arx, the sharpshooter, it went for about 5-10 minutes. Got support fire from the jets coming over, I showed support, so we're dropping flares and stuff like that to try and disperse them a little bit and the firefight stopped. Went over to John Dawson, I thought he was just I was like, there's no way he's fucking survived that being shot at the head. And he fucking started talking. I was like, fucking hell mate. He was like, what's going on?

44:36And he tilted himself. I said, bro, you just fell off the building and that. And I remember him checking and that. He had one of his gloves. He ended up putting his fucking finger in his head, bro. Like, I was like, yeah, that's a bit too far, bro. I was like, you're sound, bro. You're good. Just keep talking, keep talking. We're like that. Healy come in. Healy did like a fucking handbrake to him, mate. They're amazing, the Mertz. Straight down, got him out of the compound, got him on the heli, he went to Bastion and then we kind of made a plan. So I was like, right, me, this section commander, the platoon commander made a plan, was like, lads, get your helmets, put them on top of the compound so we can see, because I was like, well, I need to think where this fucking shooter is.

45:12Put them on top of the compound around it. So for instance, one of them helmets get shot, if he thinks it's someone, we know what arcs that shoot-acture is at. Nothing happened. So we're like, we need to bug out about four o 'clock in the morning just before sunrise um got everything together literally just made a beeline mate for the compound literally as soon as we left that compound bro we were just fucking shooting dropping bods like there was left right the sharp shooter i remember outward popped the guys straight away they were just popping up shooting us but they'll have kids they're the little kids with them and that i don't know if they were their own kids and that having kids on so we wouldn't shoot back stuff like that but some of us have got good aim bro do you know i mean just popping on huge owls is an underslung grenade launcher just popping them literally just a beeline bro because we're running that have ammo, no food, we were left there to be by ourselves.

45:56So we had to make it, if we didn't mate, we would have been fucking slaughtered. 100%. Yeah. That must be difficult calls. Who did they have on? Is it Chris? Sniper? But he said it was a woman. Yeah. Chris, yeah, I listened to it a lot. It's amazing. Yeah. The woman and the child, but it was walking towards the soldiers and they kept saying, stay back, stay back. And they kept walking and walking. They had to make that decision. They had to kill them both. Yeah. But they did, they have suicide vests on, but it must be, that must be one of the worst decisions you can ever make. Being on tour is having to make a decision of a woman and child, you know, but you've got your own to protect.

46:33Like it is mad, those sort of decisions that soldiers have to make. You have to, and that's why we are called freaking baby clips, but you've got to think the people that are holding the kids, they're the worst ones, bro. Do you know what I mean? They're making that decision because they know you can't shoot. They're using that as a shield, bro. We use ourself as sealed soldiers, not freaking kids and mothers and stuff like that. It's horrific. Their thought process must be so fucking bad, because that's what I've seen out there, bro. From the Islam side of it, the western eyes to the eastern eyes, how they literally brainwash people in that country, bro, is mad.

47:03It's just, it's backwards, bro. It's not good. Brainwash in what sense? With fear. Like, I personally think out there, they were run with fear. Like the Taliban run with fear. ISIS run with fear. Like Islam out there was run with fear. Like, if you don't do that, we're going to kill your kids. We're going and kill your whole family. We're taking over the fields. Do you know what I mean? And realistically, it should be a community like Islam is. Do you know what I mean? You build a support law of appreciation. Nothing out there, bro. It's like... How much money do you think the poppy fields are worth?

47:32Bullions or what? Yeah, 100%, bro. There was a lot of times I thought, I'm going to fucking start putting this in my suitcase, bro. 100 millions, mate. Square mile field, you're talking tens of millions, bro. Millions, bro. And then we'll burn it, take it down. Do you know what I mean? So they're going to fight. Do you know what I mean? It's their property. Why burn that? To get it out so they can't crop it again. Do you know what I mean? What they do on the heroin, so you see the bulbs of it and what they'll do, I've got pictures of it, they'll slice it to see when it's ready so they know, so when it starts oozing out, they know the heroin's ready, then they can crop it.

48:02Do you know what I mean? There's only certain times they can do that. If we're so surrounded on, they can't harvest it. That's why they use farmers to harvest it. Do you know what I mean? Because they're not going to be the Taliban. You get your morphine and that from them as well. It's like, it's such a big business. It's huge bro. But I question that why they send the troops to some of these places as well. Is it for the puppy field? Is it for the gold and the oil? We know it is a majority of the time, but did you ever question why you were there at that time? When you started seeing how much destruction was getting caused or were you just happy to be part of something?

48:31Like you said, they're happy to be part of something. I weren't fighting for Queen and Country, Brad. I don't care about that. Absolutely not. Queen and Country, what? What have they ever done for me? My brother said left and right, man, they're four in the back. That's what I'm fighting for. Do you know what I mean? that's the communication we have, the connection we have. Do you know what I mean? I'll die for my brothers and I still would. If one of my friends from the militia and I called us up, that's what's really good for the brotherhood. I don't care if you're too 300 miles away, bro, I'm there.

48:53And that's why you have that because you've been through traumatic things together. I ain't fighting for the green country. What have they ever done for me? What are they allowing to do to this country? It's diabolical, bro. I interviewed as well, Toby. Unbelievable. He gets shot, he gets shot in the nut, but he's paralyzed from the waist down, but head and neck down but still doing amazing things. Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable, man. Nothing but love for him and it shows you the mindset of a soldier. Can be a lesson. There's a lot of soldiers take their own life as well. There's a lot of people on all walks of life take their own life and it can go one way or the other no matter what you're doing.

49:28I'd imagine seeing those traumatic experiences that could push you over the edge but you thrived in the chaos. You felt more alive because it took you away from the pain of the past because there was so much noise which is great. I love the fucking question. I thrived off it, bro. I was frothing, bro. Everyone knew me, do you know what I mean? If there was a problem, get smudge. You think you're the perfect soldier then? 100%. Because I was broken. I had nothing to lose. Do you know what I mean? I put everyone else in front of me because I knew what the pain was like going through them traumatic things as a child, as a teenager.

49:57Do you know what I mean? I didn't want anyone to feel that pain. I didn't realize I was going through that at the time. Do you know what I mean? But even seeing John Dawson go through that, like survivor's guilt, was a big thing for me. That's what led to me, lead it, led me to try and commit suicide the first time. Because when we actually were on the building, bro, I've got pictures of it on my old freaking camera, took photos of it. So when Don Dawson was shot, I had to stag on the top of the compound after and it was just blood, bro. I had to line his blood for about an hour or two. So I had to line his blood and that was a rare caring night terror for me when I come back from Afghan, like just being sunk.

50:31Like I was like rigor mortis, bro. So when I came back from Afghan, trying to go to sleep, bro, I wouldn't sleep for two, three days. I was scared like a little bitch, bro, to go to sleep. Because everything was so real. My body was shook up. My eyes were open. I was screaming for help. But I was being dragged inside this blood in the compound constantly, being shot at. There's loads of things from afghan that kept coming back up. I just couldn't get away from it, bro. The only thing that really took me away from it was ketamine and cocaine. Do you know what I mean? I'd wake up, take cocaine, go to sleep, take ketamine.

50:59It got me away from it. So see, when you're going through it then, the process, and you're enjoying it, the chaos, the madness, obviously seen your friend get shot. Were you still suicidal at that time as well? On tour? Yeah. No, not at all. Cause I had, I had a purpose. That's what I think is very big for many is having a purpose. When you've got purpose, bro, it doesn't matter how small or big it is, you'll keep yourself alive. And that's why a lot of people, when they go through committing suicide or not leaving this earth, should we say they latch onto anything to have purpose. Do you know what I mean?

51:28Like a woman with a cat, she never killed herself because she's got to look after the cats. There's always a little thing there. I mean, coming back off that tour, seeing John Dawson survive. I didn't know he was, he was alive, bro, for like nearly four or five weeks. Coming back off that tour, seeing him, it's like that scene from Batman, I think it's Two-Face, you know where he's in the bed and he literally tilts. Fuck it, I've got that sentiment. I'd have fucking laughed, bro. I was like, what the fuck, bro? You can put cornflakes in there and eat it. Because his head was just cong paper. I said, next time I want to bring some cocoa pops and pour it in there, but it was just, it helps it, helps the process of trauma.

52:05Mental health doesn't have to be doom and gloom and negativity. You can laugh through it. Do you know what I mean? That was a big process, I think of his healing journey. Do you know what I mean? How can someone who's been shot in the head still get through it, but I've got no wounds visibly, I'm breaking. So what is that then? The, what you said is the trauma one, if you, the, the survival's guilt, what is that? Survival, you've never heard of it. No. So survivor's guilt is sometimes when you're in a situation with a person or environment where someone dies where you think you should have died.

52:34A lot of soldiers get that and that's the stream from PTSD because there's numerous times in that tour, one of my mates, Michael Holmes, when we were coming back after one of these baiting knocks, it wasn't after, it was, it wasn't long after John Dawson, we were coming back, we were beelining for, um, the compound, um, we were home straight bro. Do you know what I mean? There was about 200 meters and we were home straight and that's where Skill fade kind of comes in, you come complacent. Fucking hell, we're nearly home now, do you not want me to bring out for fucking a week, we're gonna get some food in there.

53:05Your notion of awareness goes down, your intuition goes down, your instincts start to go down. That's where you're very vulnerable, and the Taliban know that. Coming back in, I was the second man in from Hollis. Next minute, it's a pull cord. So literally an ID went off, bam, like that. Michael Holmes got blew up at the back, literally. I've turned around, there's clips on you. I've sprayed the day sack on, literally just clip, clip, bam, bam. I was the first on the scene, bro. Bam, got him, seen him. The medic was blew up as well, gave him first aid, turned my attention to Michael Holmes. Everyone was just shell-shot, bro.

53:38He was just gone. I don't think if I wasn't there, it did say it, the other medic said if I wasn't there, he would have lost his leg and died. At least he picked up his leg, I picked up Michael's leg and at least he just went like that. Because six-inch submates straight off, I was like, fuck's sake. Grabbed his leg up, tourniquated it, put it together. I got Charlie Leonard as well. All right, mate, keep that fucking there. He was fucking near to being sick. I was, mate, fucking put it together, bro. grabbed his fucking left took over the medic murk come in took him off um and he survived that as well when it is it's a running joke because he's got shitty tribal to but they had to do a skin graft so he's got half of his fucking leg tattoo so he's got like tribal off here and now it's on his leg but it's the shape of a fucking cock so it's funny i think he's living um i'm sure he's living that in spain now but yeah they're doing good bro yeah i've never thought of that about somebody getting a skin graph and they've got a tattoo.

54:28I've never even crossed my mind. I'll have to get that if they've got a tattoo. What about the next tour? How many tours did you do? So two, 2009 and that was my last tour, 2012. Um, it was the best tour, but the most horrific tour. Cause a lot of my friends got killed. Um, five in total, a lot of injuries. James Ashworth, he got a VC, um, an amazing soldier. It's funny enough, the sniper got killed that day. So they had special forces on this op and James, he took the grenade back to post a grenade. They took over this compound, the sharpshooter, the sniper that actually shot John was in that building because they got the rifle and that's how they could recognize it.

55:15And the Taliban were just over the top of the compound. He was hard crawling up, got to the top of the compound. was right ready to post a grenade and literally as he pulled the pin or pulled the pin out, the black clip, went to go up, lifted up above the compound as he was about to throw it, the Taliban shot him and literally the grenade blew him up. Do you know what I mean? It's horrific. Like he got a VC for which he should, he was an amazing soldier, but it's just, it's mad what kids go through. Mad. Yeah, what they see. How many of the Taliban was there? Fucking loads, bro. What was that?

55:47They walk past you all the time, you can tell. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, when we detain them and stuff like that you know who they are bro do you know i mean the way they hold their their um the weapon systems they'll have like bits of like gunpowder on them you can tell where they've been using weapon systems a lot you just like well but who's the youngest is it's true that there's kids there eight and nine years in tyran well they'll do they'll do caches so caches where you put loads of like money or uh weapon systems they'd have it bunkered over with stuff they'd run grab the um ak-47 or whatever weapon system they're just shooting that general direction hoping they'll kill one of us.

56:21Do you know what I mean? They put the weapon system down. Cause as soon as they put the weapon system down, bro, you can't kill them. So if they've killed one of the soldiers and they've not got a weapon, you can't kill them? We can be actually... Charged? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? If they, for instance, if the Taliban's running away from us, they haven't got a weapon system and we want to shoot them. If we shoot them in the back, we can get done for that. What goes through a shoulder's mind? What am I supposed to do? I don't give a fuck, shoot him in the fucking back. Shoot him. Like what?

56:47It's going to happen. Do you know what I mean? you're safe with your brothers, do you know what I mean? If they've just killed it, not just that, it's just, the amount of times I've had to stop myself, I know my mates have literally like slit in throats because we're detaining the Taliban, we know the Taliban, we know where they've been, we know where they're hiding, do you know what I mean? And you can see it and we're detained and taken back to Bastion. The amount of times I've tried to stop myself from slit in their fucking throats, because the anger, you're like, you've killed my mate. Do you know what I mean?

57:12To have that restraint not to kill someone, I know many soldiers go through it, it's a lot of resilience. Yeah, it must be, especially if it's one of your brothers that's been killed. Doesn't it either. You need to keep the peace from somebody who's done it. Especially if you've already got full anger and rage anyway. It's an easy target. It's an easy job. Definitely, yeah. So you started, when did you start processing everything you'd went through on these tours? Was that a longer experience as well? Like you went through as a kid? Like, what would you say? Obviously what you went through as a kid is the worst thing a kid can go through.

57:43But obviously seeing the things in tours, whether you've killed, whether you've not killed, seeing people being killed. But what one would you say was the one who fucked you up the most of that just come hand in hand, both similar? I think, yeah, I think it came up, I think physically, childhood, mentally, military, um, just because the army broke me, but made me like, I absolutely loved the military. Do you know what I mean? Loved it. It made me into a man, made me a man with morals and character. Um, but it also broke me, which needs to happen. But I think my childhood broke because I put myself in that situation with the military.

58:16I didn't do that as a kid. had no one to help me. I was just a lonely little kid and they got sexually, mentally, physically abused. Do you know what I mean? It's wrecked most of my life. It still does wreck my life, especially relationships with partners. Like I just, I don't know how to allow someone to love me, bro. I just, I can't. I know it's a coping mechanism, I just can't. I self-subtied a relationship. I don't know how to get past that, bro. Yeah, that's, but like what you went through as a kid, it's like ripping your fucking soul out, innit? It's like, it has something, it must turn me something you know and i've spoke to enough people who went through it and to understand that and like you say with the the military it was more a mental battle but it's made you stronger it's made you a force to then overcome what you went through and we still think about mad shit oh i'll say this and i'm walking in the park and life should be great bang negative thought but you're not happy to date that kid and i can sit with that thought for three four days yeah yeah and that's the mind is such a powerful tool and no matter how much you work at it or try and train it and try and do affirmations or journal or speak positivity, it can still, you can still have that fuck it button.

59:23The same as everybody you think, well, fuck this, you know? Daily bro. Yeah. Daily bro. I say to people, I'm the only life coach who haven't got his life together bro. Completely fuck bro. I just, I'm so fucking heavily blessed mate. No matter what comes me now, it's just, I've tried to turn it around. I've struggled a lot, do you know what I mean? Even going through that process when I came back off tour, it got even worse bro. And that was, the war never left me bro. I tried to extend my tour with the Queen's Company, I was like, I need to stay, I cannot go home. Because they were staying out, they started later than us, they had to live for three months, I'm not going home, please extend my tour, please extend my tour, begging them that I need to stay, I can't go back home, I've got nothing to go home to anyway bro.

1:00:08Do you know what I mean? But they couldn't because of the pay. Because when you go over a certain amount of time in Afghan, they have to pay you a bigger wage. It's easier just to send someone else out. Do you know what I mean? So I had to come back off tour. And I will always remember though, when we came back from tour. Getting the heli over, getting the airplane over, getting the coach to Bryce Norton and coming back and going on the drill square, bro. I was scared, bro. More scared than I was in Afghan because everyone else's family's there, bro. I was just that lonely little kid again, that five-year-old kid with a bin bag, clothes, no one to say hello to, no one to care for me.

1:00:48Everyone had family, kids. Just went straight back to my block, bro. Is that the hardest part about it? The loneliness? Bro, I'll never forget that. That just like, just looked around. I remember my mate, uh, Martin Nelson, amazing brother, bro. Like you just come over, give me a hug. I remember seeing that and I was just, yeah. The emotions that hits me now, because that, that's, that broke me more than Afghan, bro. It was just like, well, I brought me back to my room. I had no one again. I was just like, fucks my purpose. Within weeks, mate, I was suicidal. Do you know what I mean? started taking drugs again, trying to avoid stuff.

1:01:21The night terrors were horrific. Yeah. It's that abandonment, isn't it? It's that disconnect of not having human connection or another human there, you know? Coming back from the brotherhood and wanting to die for each other and kill each other. Was there times over there where you wish you would have died? Or was that a bit far-fetched? I wanted you to, bro, really. I know that was my purpose. I never took a knee. Whenever I was being shot, I never took a knee. Do you know what I mean? Everyone that I was on tour with compared to that, I didn't. I put myself in front of, um, people who are being shot at.

1:01:52Like if I seen people on the about book, we're trying to fucking shit. I was like, get the fuck up. Like, do you know what I mean? We're trying to kill the enemy here. I wasn't scared one bit. I was fearful, bro. I was a scared little bull, but I just, the adrenaline just took over me, bro. But it's just mad putting that concept. Like on tour, the worst square mile in Afghan we were in, bro. There's more deaths in there than anywhere else in the world. But I'll come back to fucking Aldershot. I was a fucking crippling little bitch. It just, my body was just, weren't connecting, bro. Craig Harrison talks about that.

1:02:21He was the longest sniper. And he on the podcast, like, your heart breaks for him as well, you know? And that's what he was saying. He killed over 88 people, I think. Like in mad numbers. They're one of the best snipers in the world. And he was the same. He didn't want to come home. He was, when he come back to peace and calm, he didn't feel anything. He needed to be in the war zone to feel at peace instead of actually being in peace. he couldn't separate what was really, what was fake. He wanted to be in the storm because that's where he felt more alive. The noise regulates you. Do you know what I mean?

1:02:56That's why I have to still go to sleep with a TV on or some kind of noise or something like, I can't dis-regulate when there's calmness bro, I'm on edge bro. Do you know what I mean? Quite bad. Like Craig Avison is amazing. When I do my motivational talking, he always comes up, always bringing up because there's videos of him bro. Like if someone like him, a proper alpha male, a man's man, someone you want to protect you, I can break down and cry and be vulnerable, bro. So can you. Yeah, he was talking about had the gun, cocked it back in the mouth and looked at his dog, man, the dog saved him.

1:03:27And that's when you talk about the women having cats or whatever, you have that purpose and something to, we need something to live for. To attach to. When you don't have anything, you feel as if nobody cares, you've nothing to live for, then what is the point? You know, what is the point of being here? What is the point? Nobody gives a fuck, even if I'm here or not. and a lot of people with suicide and I says it was brave and a lot of people kind of got it twisted to take your own life is one of them bravest thing to say it lights out that is unbelievable brave no matter what way you look at it and it can be selfish and other reasons because of the pain people leave behind we get that but you don't know what people's battling mentally you don't know their story you don't know their upbringing you don't know what they went through and a lot of people who take their own life think they're doing it for the right reasons because they don't want to burden everybody else so they do it in a way where they're trying to save everybody else exactly they're burden yeah and that's what people need to start understanding by all means I'm not saying anybody to take their life reach out get help it can change it can get better but when somebody makes that decision who the fuck are we to judge you know we don't know what their childhood was like we don't know what their parents were like we don't know what they went through in relationships or losing that loved one and they just think as if do you know what it's time to go and to do that it's fucking I would it scares a shout to me to think about I used to think about when I was mad with it see when I was on the gear I used to sit and think would people cry at my funeral I used to think about that all the fucking time you think they would?

1:04:55yeah hopefully yeah but then again I would constantly be laughing rubbing their hands yeah and I used to think of the people who would genuinely care and then as you got older you start thinking does anybody care? you know I used to think about that all the time. It was always when the comedown would come. Yeah. I used to picture my funeral and it was f*****g, it's so creepy. I would never have the balls to follow through with it because I always, I always enjoyed my life. I enjoyed that stage of the madness of the partying and the drinking and the women. I enjoyed that stage. It was a, it was a good stage, even though it was all an escape.

1:05:30I've had some of the best times I've met. Yeah. Some of the best times I've met some of the best people, bro. Some of the best people I know are ex addicts or still addicts. Do you know what I mean? Some of the best people in the world, the people that ain't are the people that try and act they're not. Do you know what I mean? Because it's a sense of, again, brotherhood. There was always maybe start off maybe 20 or 30 people partying on the Friday night or the Saturday night. The numbers would dwindle. People would leave at six in the morning, nine in the morning. There'd always be about five or six of us who would go three days, four days down to the off sales.

1:06:02It would always be that six. You've got the big fat guy always in the corner. You've got two people wall face shut. You've got somebody's jaw all over the place, somebody just on their phone you'd have the same six five or six who would just be consistent we didn't want to go home we had nothing to go home for we just didn't i didn't like the fact of being lonely when they come down comes in and you're thinking i need to wait a few days to see everybody again you know and that's a sad reality it's the partying sense in the drug sense you've got your own little community you're all degenerates you're all losers and that's not to bring anybody down i was one for many many years but there was a sense of like i say it was that yeah and you felt safe and you felt happy and i'm not saying for anybody to do that life but it was just a little community where you just you hang around with all these people and there was a sense of safety and a sense of love because you're all in the same boat you had nothing to go home with people even people had jobs people had missus but they never lasted because they would end up they couldn't take that would disappear for days and their buds are thinking you're away shagging this and that you're not you're sitting with fucking sick guys and a house talking pure shit listen to the same music on repeat trying to eat a mars bar fucking free dance get some energy it's um it's mad how we cope with coping mechanisms it's mad how the majority of us go towards the negatives to cope you know whether that's overeating or under eating a pharmaceutical drugs or any sort of drug like our coping mechanisms stink as a human we don't really know how to cope with pain or trauma coping i don't like and this is what i do in my coaching someone calls me and they've got coping mechanisms i'll try and strip it back we need to thrive if you've got coping mechanisms you haven't got over something you just dealt with something and kept that emotion at a burden but uh at a way do you know what i mean it's when you can change perspective like you say with a coping mechanism and actually realize you're coping not thriving do you know it's so important i might also come back on a, when I was still in the military.

1:08:01Friday, Saturday, Sunday on drugs, no sleep. Doing Buckingham Palace, guarding the queen, still taking fucking, do you know what I mean? MDMA, trying to keep awake. Do you know what I mean? All the time. My teeth went soft. I was taking that many drugs, bro, because it kept me, because I went straight there and it kept me safe, like you're saying. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I know I weren't leaving that kitchen. Do you know what I mean? Then I had to go back on the Monday morning doing PT, cause I was a PTI doing physical training, do you know what I mean? taking people out of my rooms, 12 mile runs.

1:08:27I haven't slept for three days, bro, but still doing it, going back to my room. I was so exhausted. I'll try and nap in the afternoon, go to sleep. I couldn't sleep constantly. When did the tattoo start? Um, do you know what? Through, it helped me through my healing journey, through therapy, when I was seeing psychiatrists, therapists and counselors is I couldn't feel any of the PTSD when I was getting tattooed. I got a high percentage of my body tattooed when I was going through a lot of trauma in 2014, 15. Um, so I used to book in probably two, two sessions a week, four days, just bam out eight hours.

1:09:02Cause I couldn't feel anything else. And then when I'd finished the tattoos, you've got tattoos in you. Yeah. When you're, when you're done, you're exhausted. It just drains you. Do you think it's another copy making as I'm saying? That's my therapy arm bro. It's just black. No design then at all, bro. It was a terrible lot. I know I can go back anytime. See, I love people with tattoos as well. because you know we've got a story that you'll never see a man or a woman with tattoos that are sane. They are fucked. Like it's a red flag for me. Like if a woman's got tattoos, I think, no, that's no disrespect.

1:09:34I've got tattoos. And I just know the pain that I was in to get the tattoos on my back. I know the self-harming it was of just something that was giving me pain, but I released it at the same time. It was so fucked up. but everybody I know with tattoos some of my best friends have got a cupboard in tattoos, big pal Barry he loves them but he's fucked he's fucking it's telling a story it's understanding the story everybody will have their own little stories and why they got that at that time it all means something and I was going to get them lasered off but that's just as painful so I just keep them but now I accept them it's part of my story at that time what I was going through you know and I love them for what they wear I do look at them and I cringe the ones on my chest on my side and the big crucifix on my back and I think fucking heal it I thought it was so cool it was like 150 quid it was like an 8 hour session 4 hours and then I think another 4 hours and the pain it was getting the crucifix and Jesus used to see Jesus' head it looks like a BG and I used to think I was so cool I used to walk about Ibiza in my early 20s Geyser.

1:10:50Yeah, this is a proper geyser with a big tattoo. And it's f - change the way you walk as well. Yeah, my back, my back's get f - bigger. So like the head's expanded. But yeah, I wouldn't change them now as part of my journey. But do you feel that it was another coping mechanism for you? Yeah, 100%. I've had some of my deepest sessions by myself. You can't run away from your thoughts when you're in pain in that chair. And it's helped me process my emotions, process the things that I've been through, situations, people in my life. it's helped evict thoughts from my mind it's helped evict people from my freaking life because i've sat down for do you know i mean i always say to people you can't win an argument with yourself you just can't if you're going to argue with yourself put things in perspective and that's what i've done through a lot of my um tattooing one of my good friends andre he does a lot of my tattoos billy as well does a lot of my tattoos ian like they hear a lot of your problems as well do you know what i mean it's just like i say that's my therapy i mean anytime i'm feeling shit i'm like you say, it's a coping mechanism.

1:11:47I need to feel pain. I still do that when I binge on food. It's bad for me. I binge on food quite bad. So I'll diet, won't eat for 20 hours. Then I'll just binge out until my belly hurts or I'll make myself be sick or I'll start freaking eating chocolate to get the food around my mouth and spit it back out. Do you know what I mean? It's just to feel that pain, you can have it, but you can't be happy. And that's that constant thing with me. And it's just, I still go for my shit, bro. Do you know what I mean? I still go for my shit on a daily basis. Yeah, I'm the same. My overeating is terrible, but it's when I eat, it's like extreme.

1:12:19It's like eating my emotions. Even though you're telling your story, I still have to absorb that. I need to drive home with that and I don't unpack it. So I'm sitting with it and I'm hearing these stories on the daily. Obviously, it's created a great business. It's created some freedom, but it comes at a cost. You're taking a lot of that trauma. Yeah, it's fucking not easy. You're going home. I always worry it could maybe fucking unleash in five years, 10 years. I'm just trying to find that balance to stay sane, you know, but it's the overeating, driving and I'll eat because I'm just, that's the way I deal with it.

1:12:49And I eat fast as well. I don't chew my food. So you need to be very careful if you've gone through things, whether you've got PTSD, BPD, EUPD, ADHD, bipolar, schizophrenia, you need to fucking tell people, especially with BPD, because you will turn people's life around. Do you know what I mean? Because they see you as the holy grail. Do you know what I mean? But if, as soon as you start to detach from that person, that's got these mental health conditions, you'll turn into the fucking devil, bro, and they will fucking rip you a new asshole, bro, and tear your life apart. I've had it, bro. Even when you're not doing anything wrong, they will choose to see you as an image, and they will tear you down anything, bro.

1:13:22Do you know what I mean? That's what taught me about my PPD and where I got emotional support and therapy for it, trying to regulate my emotions. Like, you need to tell people if you've got mental health conditions, you're going into a relationship. Like you say, a lot of women I've had sex with, there's no emotion after, and it's like, great, I feel like a cunt again. Do you know what I mean? We're just chasing that guilt, chasing that pain. We're not chasing the endorphins. Yeah, it's good doing it, but as soon as you're after, bro, like that'll stay with you days. I don't want to touch anyone.

1:13:48Like stay away from me. What's your longest relationship? Probably with Jesus, bro. Oh no. Yeah. He was weird one or not. Yeah, 100 % bro. He's been there in every situation, every dark corner, every dark fort, he's helped me through situations. But as a woman, bro, um, three, three years. That's not too bad considering. It's good. There was a lot of self-sabotage in there, bro. I ruined a great relationship. Uh, I've got two beautiful kids of ours, ruined the relationship. I won't go into the details because it's personal, but that painful situation has taught me a lot about myself and I've become a better man because of it.

1:14:25And I've gone through therapy, I've gone through counseling to learn about things that I need to develop as a man, as a human, as a person, because I thought everything was good. I was all good. Life has a fucking vicious circle to tear you back down again. I was like, fucking hell. I'm a great dad, but not a great partner. And I know that, and I don't think I'll ever be a good partner for someone. And I've come to terms with that. I don't think I do want a relationship again. Do you know what I mean? Because I just self-harm a lot in a relationship. So I give everything to them and then I'm just left with nothing again.

1:14:56You have too much energy to it. Completely lose yourself. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. And then I can be very manipulated very easily because my things that I've been through, probably you'd like to know as well. Like you don't realize they've manipulated you until you're left financially fucked, mentally fucked, physically fucked. And you're just like, how the fuck have I allowed someone to do that? I'm supposed to be the mindset sergeant or I'm supposed to be this brave, courageous fucking man and have just allowed someone to fucking do that to me. What the fuck? And then you feel less of yourself.

1:15:26Do you know what I mean? It's horrible. Yeah, but suckers. Listen, if I'm going through some shit now, and if I was going through that 15 years ago when I was partying, when I was fucking birds off, understandable. My life's going good. Yeah. It's like a test where people use and people try and fuck you over and you think, okay. And like I said, people have had their say, but my say will come out. And I don't mind that, but it's having a battle and having to try and convince people of who you are as an individual. No, cause it questions who you are and what you're all about. I went on to my fuck ups, my past.

1:15:58I don't fucking shy away. That is who you are. It makes you. there's nothing that you can't i feel as if owning your sins and admitting your sins is the best thing because nobody can throw it at you you know say your shit what you're gonna say yeah exactly so it is important as well but men women can just be as bad as men you know and when you're vulnerable and you just want love and you want that connection and feel part of something it's the best everybody says about relationships but people go to the gym to find a relationship they try and be successful to find a relationship everything we do is kind of got the end result to find a partner because people are at their happiest when they meet someone.

1:16:34Have you ever seen someone who's a miserable cunt and they meet a bird or the girl is happy and you see the change and their friends are saying you're different and the guy fucks off. Men are at their most weakest when they meet a woman because they'll fucking disown everybody to make their partner happy but that's where there's no balance anymore because you're just totally giving everything to that. And I can only talk about my own experiences but if I had some great relationships like you, self-sabotage, don't feel good enough, I'll fuck it up, I'll fuck it off maybe three months into it, six months into it because I don't want to feel that pain.

1:17:11Sometimes you don't know what true love's like because you've never been taught it from a young age. I question that, bro. What is love? I love my kids. I love my kids, of course. I would die for them, I'd kill for them, no issues, but what is true love? If you had true love, would you still not be with that person? Is it more lust that we gravitate towards? Because when you think about it, our biggest weakness is lust. We're full of testosterone, which is a sex hormone. That's why majority of men are watching porn and involved in OnlyFans. The reason why these girls, there's no point in calling these girls sluts who are getting their tits out.

1:17:41It's the guys who are paying for it because they want to feel connection of being part of something or being talking to a woman. So our biggest, for me, biggest indicator to try and control is lust of a woman. We're always looking at tits. We're always looking at asses. When you're growing up, I used to look at the Kay's catalogue when I was a fucking kid. I was looking at girls in her bras and pants you know what I'm saying I was a fucking kid you know and then it's like the 10 minute preview so you've kind of got that perverted mindset as a kid you start looking at women as objects and not seeing them as an individual seeing them as as a lover whatever it is that's essence and because I always say women are the true essence of the universe women control the world whether men be like to believe it or not women can women have got men in the grasp of their hands you know and I think more women are more cheating I think they're becoming more manipulative.

1:18:30I think the roles are reversed and I think men are becoming more weaker and I think women are becoming more boss-like. And this is a society we're in. We're living in a world where it's everybody's fucked up. Nobody knows what's really going on anymore. I always, I like the thought of meeting a partner. I want another three kids, the farmhouse, the dogs, but also scared that the self-sabotage kicks in. When I get that life, I just ripped the whole fucking ceiling down. So you don't go into it sometimes. Like in the Bible, bro, it says the only thing you should run away from, which Jesus says is lust.

1:18:58Don't try and fight it, bro, because you won't. No man is strong enough with lust. Like, I'll fall short of it. You'll fall short of it. Everyone does. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to be fully disciplined. And I knew that when I was like, discipline's a big thing for me. I was just like, how can I be disciplined if I'm not disciplined with lust? It's the hardest thing, do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Not masturbating for a year. I've done it. Like, no sex, done it. Do you know what I mean? But it always creeps back in. It's so hard to get away from. So hard. Instagram's a dating site.

1:19:26Yeah, 100%. It's a fucking dating site, bro. You've got to be careful, especially if you get exposure on there, bro. It's to kind of deal with that thing, bro. It's hard, especially as a man. Do you know what I mean? So when did you start working on yourself? When did you start unpackaging it all? When did it hit home that what you went through as a kid as well? Was that earlier on or did it come later on in life? A bit later on in life. I've dealt with things and not every question has an answer. A lot of people are always searching for answers when they don't even know the actual true question.

1:19:55My childhood, don't need to deal with it no more. I can search for answers all fucking day. I'm never going to get it. I'm going to put myself through so much fucking shit negativity. I'm done with it. Got through it, whatever. But I think the true definition was when I lost my career in the military, when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I didn't want to admit it, bro. Do you know what I mean? And, um, why? It's a curricula. I've gone from being an A plus fricking soldier, green soldier, everyone could depend on to his US, his P zero. Do you know what I mean? Like US means unserviceable. I wasn't allowed to go on tour, what the fuck am I good for?

1:20:29A lot of times I just wanted to get a rifle and fucking shoot myself in the throat. Do you know what I mean? I was banned from Barat Guard, kicked off camp. Do you know what I mean, bro? When we were going to like LMG camp, just before we were going on tour, on the second tour we were doing camps and I remember fucking a grenade got left in my rucksack. And when you have quite a negative mindset, you think things happen for a reason. Like all the kits normally check. I don't know how this grenade got left in one of the backs. I go back to the room and I was like, fuck, I've got fucking live grenade here.

1:21:01Until I was like, yes, I can fucking kill myself. Do you know what I mean? Taking drugs, drinking. Do you know what I mean? We have four-man rooms, like not much bigger than this bro, to be fair. They were cornered off, they had a bit of segregation. People used to put curtains there and stuff. You have a little bit of dignity, should we call it. Do you know what I mean? But you can hear your mate fucking wanking next door. You just like, can you shut the curtain? But every night, mate, I would sit there with it. So you got a grenade, you got the safety clip, matte black safety clip, you can clip that off, then you got the pin.

1:21:31I used to sit there taking it off, taking the pin out, putting the pin back in, taking it off. This is when I was sober, bro, do you know what I mean? And then I used to get drunk, I used to come back, play with it. I used to play with my mates and that in the fucking room and that, and they'll tell you about, I used to get the grenade, take the matte black safety gun, fucking throw it to them, grab the grenade, and they were fucking shitting themselves. But I was just laughing, bro, I was just like, they ain't fucking right, like they're just like, Smith, you ain't fucking right. I remember I couldn't find the map, that safety clip and I couldn't find the fucking pin.

1:21:57I was holding the grenade, lads. I can't fucking, I'm drunk. I can't find the fucking pin. And they were like, mate, you've got a fucking grenade, a live grenade. I said, yeah, just fucking, can you find like two o 'clock in the morning? So I had to get a bird I was shagging at the time. I had to get a fucking hairpin. Fucking pop it in there, bro. I remember putting it on the side of the light smudge. You cannot fucking leave that there, bro. But it's sound, bro. I like it's under my pillow. It's sound. If I die, it doesn't matter. end up putting it in the fucking cubicle where the shower room was and a bag with the body armor over it, leaving the air overnight and stuff.

1:22:26I had it in my car for ages, bro, because I didn't want to hand it back in. But thoughts kept going into my mind. Like, there's a lot of people in my life that were manipulating me. And I'd sit outside, mate, like, two o 'clock in the morning, we're back at the weekends with grenades and that, going to post it through the fucking door. I was getting quite fucking angry and, like, manipulative and fucking, like, vengeful about people that have hurt me in my trauma sight coming back up and wanting to kill myself sitting there with a grenade constantly most nights, just holding it. I don't know how, like, I just didn't let it go.

1:22:52I wake up with fucking sore wrists. I just got into that mindset, I wanted to kill people constantly, it was bad. When was the closest you did come to killing yourself? So the first time was in St. Jeremiah's barracks, that's 2015. I got all my medication because I was going through therapy for PTSD, I wasn't diagnosed yet. Nyquatyping, Sopiclone, Sertraline, antipsychotic drugs because I'd go from one extreme to the other. I'd be happy then I'd be fucking chaotic. Do you know what I mean? It was borderline. And it was just, end up storing up my medication for a month. I had probably about 100, 120 tablets, drinking, smashing the bottles.

1:23:32My whole room was just smashed most night with like Budweiser bottles. Like I was just getting up, walking on it, my feet were fucking bleeding. I'll still go out, do a tab, come back in, drink in my room. I was like, I'm doing it tonight. I was a coward, bro. Do you know what I mean? I was drinking, getting drunk to try and get the urge and courage to do it. Took all the medication, just felt like a calmness, but I couldn't really move and just then watching TV and just fell asleep and that, I thought I was gone. I just thought I was gone, I couldn't really remember much of it. Next minute I woke up in a daze, I was in the ambulance outside in my barracks, I went to the hospital Bays in Stoke, I had to get my stomach pumped and then waking up with my brother-in-law, who was in the military with me, and he was just like, well fuck if you're doing it, I'm just broke down bro.

1:24:19So I just can't deal with this pain in my head no more. And like this sectioned me, I was at Basingstoke Mental Health Hospital for a couple of months. Got remitted out of there. Tried to push myself and career like we do as men, we push things aside. Fuck that, ain't got no fucking problems with me. Stopped drinking a little bit, stopped taking drugs for a couple of weeks, got back into it, supposed to go on Pathfinders, which is the recce for SAS, especially on that in 2016, gonna do recce commanders, that was me bro, like, I want to be a badge collector like I know I was a fucking great soldier I was always recommended to go P Company Pathfinders that was my goal slowly started to kick again started taking drugs started being violent got done for ABH biting a copper ended up breaking someone's jaw got done for JBH went to Colchester for like six minutes for fighting and going AWOL so what the fuck is wrong with me mate now my life can be amazing I'm on a fucking route the next minute I'm fucking breaking jaws fucking doing stupid shit self-sabotaging pushing everyone away, got back again.

1:25:16Do you know what I mean? Everything's kept under wraps really in the military, which is good because you don't want it to be portrayed to the world. Do you know what I mean? They are there. The brotherhood, do you know what I mean? Smudge, get better, bro. Do you know what I mean? Let's push this aside. Let's work on you. You're a fucking good soldier. Let's get back in the green zone. Every time I used to go to the green zone on exercise, I was sound, bro. Perfect soldier. Come back. I'd flat pack my roommate. I'd come back straight in. I'd fucking tear everything off. Sideboards off, drink, drugs.

1:25:39I'd just close the door, lock him in. People used to lock me in the room so I couldn't get back out. just let me 24 hours just to smash my room up. I used to come out with fucking like crazy cuts and everything like that. Like, good, yeah, good. That was my decompression, bro. Like that was my mental health therapy. Let him in the room for 24 hours, he's good to go again. And that was the thing. And then, um, second time wasn't a scream for help, bro. The night terrors got really bad. Well, I was awake two, three days. Like I was just a walking zombie, still doing everything. I just couldn't sleep.

1:26:09I was scared to go to sleep, bro. Like I just, The night terrors were horrific. And then one day I just drove my car up to DCMH in Aldershot, went to the top of the building on the car park and stood up there, bro, I was just, I'm done. Because I remember ringing my psychiatrist and I was like, I'm not, wow, like, something's not right. I just broke down in tears. He went, Corporal Smith, it's half four. No, my shift's finished. You're going to have to ring 999. I said, mate, I'm fucking suicidal. Please help me. He's put the phone down on me, mate, my psychiatrist, bro. went straight up to the building, jumped off, a copper talked me down, luckily enough, and then I got sectioned.

1:26:47I was in the mental health hospital for six months. I tried to work on myself, bro, but at that point, I was really like, no one gives a shit. Even in the people that are supposed to be in the position that are supposed to help you, and it brought me back to my childhood, the people that are supposed to be there for me, that are supposed to care for you and give you stuff. Yeah, my time is finished, bro. Like, you can go and kill yourself and it's not my problem. I just couldn't come from that, bro. Yeah, so I've got to be some duty. I care there if someone phones you at four or five in the morning.

1:27:14No matter if you're getting paid or not, if someone's on the other end to say they're suicidal. For me, I'm driving wherever you are to be with you. If you need that voice or whatever, I try and reply to as many messages as I can. I can't know, just so many, but if I'm, whatever, if I'm going on holiday, I'll try and scroll through and reply to as many as I can. But that's not a good psychologist. That's not a good psychiatrist. that someone who's just there for the money, someone who's just hates their fucking own life. We never had a good relationship and having a good relationship with your therapist, counselor, psychiatrist is so important, bro.

1:27:48Because he used to clock watch me, he was scared of me. So when we used to go through the monthly reviews and stuff, he wanted to try and pull away because he was just like, I remember speaking to my pal at the time, he worked at DCMH, he was a medic. He's like, he's quite scary, isn't he? Fucking psychiatrist says that. But I could always see him clock watching that clock. He used to fucking know the clock off fucking Peter Pan, the fucking crocodile. Very nice. Fucking mate, he used to snap the fuck out of me, bro. And I was like, one time I said, take that fucking clock down before I smash it over your face, mate.

1:28:19Because all he kept fucking - I'm gonna move it out of his way, I didn't like you. Fucking snaps me. I'm just like, all I can see, because I'm so hypervigilant, because I'm talking about traumatic things that I've been through, all I can see is your eyes going, I fucking know. You've got 10 minutes left, mate. I'm pouring my heart out, bro. I just used to fucking flip chairs and fuck. I get it. Like it's a bit scary seeing someone like that, but you shouldn't be in that position, bro. If you're scared of someone. But then I've had some amazing psychiatrists in the military that have a relationship with you.

1:28:49Do you know what I mean? They, they, they rumour will be with you. They tell you about their own stories. Like, yeah, I've been there, bro. Just, all we need to do is sometimes is listen. Like that's the reason we've got two ears and one mouth. So many people want to fucking speak so much, but don't fucking listen to you. Listening is recovery. Do you know what I mean? It's so important. you doing for your podcast is healing probably a lot of people. Do you know what I mean? Because they're talking about the things and they don't notice things. How was the mental institute? Fucked up, bro. Do you not feel at home?

1:29:15I went in, no, they don't fuck, bro. I walked in, I was like, I ain't got fucking nothing wrong with me. Do you know what I mean? I've got women and men running past fucking naked with their tits out, taking fucking medication because certain part of it was for the military, but then we were, um, with national pop. So like the civilians as well, So when we used to have breakfast, like take our medication, like in the fucking line, like fucking with our aprons on, so we didn't fucking need to swallow our drugs and that. I remember just like a fucking moment when I was eating my breakfast, my porridge in the morning, fucking like, suicidal last night, woke up this morning, took my medication, went in the morning and then, um, I had fat sunk at my feet, but I was eating the porridge.

1:29:55I was like, what the fuck's that on my feet? It's a woman fucking butt naked, pissing on the floor. I was just like, you just ignore it. You just like, she just comes are normal, do you know what I mean? So then it starts sinking, but then you start to push around your own problems, I ain't got problems. But you have got problems, they're just not as bad as the people beside you sometimes. But when I was going through that, another time, like no one come to see me bro, there's one person, Chris James, that come to see me, one of my good friends from the military, none of my family, like they were told, like he tried to commit suicide the second time, like he's on medication, we've sectioned him, He's not allowed to leave.

1:30:32Do you know what I mean? I had to call him. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm all good. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, just gives a call whenever. No one come to see me from my family, bro. For months, bro. The only person that really connected with my sister, Katie, but she was an alcoholic.

1:30:50And she sadly passed away.

1:30:55When I was going through some really bad times, when I was in the mental health hospital, I had to stop my pain. I said to them, like, you need to, my sister's going into a hospice, she's in liver failure, she's only 32, she's got two kids. Like, we were the black sheep of the family. We always turn into the goats. Do you know what I mean? The people that are the black sheep in the family, you have the power to change. And that's what me and my sister was. And I was the same as my sister. And I'm so glad I didn't go down the same route myself. I nearly did, bro. I said to the people there, my doctor and the psychiatrist, I said, look, you need to you need to give me permission to leave so I can go and see my sister." Do you know what I mean?

1:31:32I said, if not, I'll kill myself tonight, I'll slit my throat, slit someone else's throat. I promise you that now. And that was me, bro. I was like, if you don't allow me to be there for my sister when she passes, I'm dead and so and so on. Wasn't the fucking best thing to say. They were like, yeah, you think you're going, mate? They were just like, so they put some remissions into place. They were like, right, you need to call us in the morning, afternoon and night. When you go back home, you need to check in with the police as well. That's fine. Went back home and stayed at my stepdad's at the time.

1:31:57Still kept the discipline, went to the gym in the morning, did my things and stuff like that. And, um, yeah, my sister sadly passed away, um, for being an alcoholic. Did you get to see her? Yeah, yeah, I got to see her. I didn't see her pass away in the morning, um, because I kept my routine. She always used to say to me, do you know what I mean? Me and my family ain't close, bro. Do you know what I mean? My brother, I'm not close to him. He's never really shown me support or love. Like I love him. I'll always be there for him. But I always kind of, kind of say, we just, we just built different.

1:32:24We deal with our emotions. He's been through stuff. I've been through stuff. Like, like I say to people, like, you can be in the same household as siblings, you don't have the same childhood. No one has the same childhood. You're given love at different times and you go through different stages of childhood, completely different. No matter if you grew up in the same household. And, um, I remember him breaking down, but he was never there for my sister. Every time I used to come back, I'd rather go and drink with my sister and be there with her to keep my eyes on up. Cause you're never going to stop an alcoholic drinking.

1:32:51They'll find it some way. So I'd always come back. But when she was going through some of the darkest times when she was running around the streets, barefoot, somewhere to fucking live or chaotic, none of my family were there for her, bro. We don't want you to, you're a fucking nuisance, get away. She and she was on the deathbed, they were all fucking around it. That didn't sit right with me. Do you know what I mean? I was, my brother was crying, I was like, bro, like, stop fucking crying, mate. I'll put you in the fucking bed next to her. Just a hundred percent. Like, I was just, I don't, I couldn't fathom it, bro.

1:33:15Like, you're crying now because you feel guilt. Like, fuck off, bro. Like, and after that, I'm like, I mean, I do love him, bro, but it's just certain things. And then my sister passed away. She always said to me, bro, like, just never change. She always used to say to me, I was always a little bravash when Dave just never fucking change. Keep being you, you know what I mean? You've got big things come in. And that stuck with me. And then my dad rang me, my stepdad, sorry, rang me in the morning. You could tell with a voice, he was like, you need to come to the hospital. Remember I was at the gym, just fucking broke down, bro.

1:33:49cold she was just like a luminous yellow she looked like fucking one of the simpsons bro do you know what i mean i could always have a laughing joke with her do you know what i mean all the time bro when i walked in i was like fucking hell marge fucking hell she was dead i was just like that really hit me my mom's dead my sister's dead one of my nieces committed suicide as well from sexual abuse so what the fuck's gonna change bro and that's why i had to realize I need to make the change. No one's going to solve your problems. You are the problem and solution. We're all problems and all solutions.

1:34:21And on medication again, I got myself a little better, got diagnosed with PTSD, had to leave the military. Kid again, 2017, 25th of January. Had nothing bro. I got a bit of a payout from the military, which helped. Put me back on my feet because I don't think I had that payout. To help me have a little bit of stability, I'd be on the streets, bro. I'll be still fucking, um, selling drugs, being a fucking road man. Do you know what I mean? Did you go back to the mental institute? I went back there. Um, I was there for around about six weeks. So if you didn't go back, would you have been AWOL? I would have been AWOL, yeah.

1:34:55They would have put me down AWOL, then I would have probably been back to prison or kicked straight out. They can kick you straight out. They can send you to Colchester. Do you not think about doing the tours and running away? Are you just tired of running all the time? Yeah, I was just debilitated, bro. I was done now. like, and I think I needed that. Do you know what I mean? There's a different part of your healing journey where you just have to stop. Do you think it was your sister's death that kind of opened your eyes and realized that you were sick yourself? Yeah. Because I had to put on the back burner again.

1:35:21No one still cared. I had to pack my bags again and go back into mental health hospital. No one had checked on me. No one asked if I was okay. And that's when you realize when you're in a fucking room where you're locked in at night, do you know what I mean? Everything's pinned down. You've got nothing you can cut yourself with and shit like that. You can't even have a connection with people. You're just like, fucking hell, I am alone. When you realise you're alone, you need to change your mindset, change the thinking around you, and that's why I've cut most people out of my life. I'm still taking drinks and drugs, do you know what I mean?

1:35:48But even going through that process, you need to be very careful when you're very vulnerable like that, who comes into your life. I've had a lot of friends come back into my life, rob me of a lot of money and scam me a lot of money. I'm talking nearly 120 grand, bro. Do you know what I mean? Fuck me over a lot of money. What am I left with? They don't want to take accountability for it. Addictions are funny, Mandy Margaret, she was an alcoholic, she ended up changing her life, but then she ended up addicted to Diet Pepsi, and it just made her fucking worse, because she's always used to having a can, but she was drinking like 10 cans a day.

1:36:17Her house was just boxes and boxes, was it Diet Coke? Diet Coke, I think it was. But I didn't realise how dangerous this stuff was, even the sweeteners and all that, and then, it's only the last 10 years I've understood certain things, what they put chemicals and stuff, and ended up fucking probably worse than the booze. Yeah. Ended up addicted to that. My uncles were all gamblers and I got to fucking taste everything. I was a lucky one. I get DNA fucking the mixture of them all. I was never an alcoholic, but I loved the escape of drinking. When I started drinking at 12 and 13, I loved how happy it made me.

1:36:53You know, I wasn't happy. It was cool. Yeah. I was just buzzing. We used to get a half bottle of Buckfast and two Hooch. Fucking Buckfast. And two Hooch. because it used to give us a dunk. We used to meet at 5 o 'clock, 5.30, about 10 of us, all the degenerates at school. Yeah, yeah. And it was like a fiver we had. It was like two quid for a half bottle of Buckfast, 250, it was like 50 pence a hooch. And we used to have an awful lot of bag of chips later because I used to always think, okay, this will give me enough dunk till it can 11 o 'clock at night. So I went home, I was kind of okay again.

1:37:25But I fucking loved the escape. I loved the way it made me feel and then mix in the coke with that. And I just thought that was just a different buzz. You know, I just loved how happy it made me feel. I loved, there was no come down. There was no hangover then, you know, but then years and years, the fun becomes misery and the misery becomes pain and it all becomes negative. You destroy everything around you. Yeah. But at that stage, at the start of the process, what a buzz, you know, like it just took away the pain. It took away who I was pretending to be. I feel as if alcohol really shows you who you are as a person as well.

1:38:07But back then, it was a beautiful ride and I can understand why people do it every day. You can attach yourself to it. And again, we talk about having that attachment, it's having that connection to something and how many lives are ruined through. These substances, and we don't care if we don't see where kids, don't care about pain we put other people's fruit you become so selfish when you have addiction issues but I think 70-80 % of people with addiction stem from childhood trauma. Definitely yeah it comes from somewhere. Yeah so you're back into the the mental institute what's going through your process what's the process then when you started looking inward and started really looking at okay I'm not well could you accept it?

1:38:53I had to be quite vulnerable myself bro. Again? Yeah. Do you have to strip everything back of being this grade A soldier who would willingly die and willingly kill for anybody, his brothers to then stripping back all that emotion and all that misery again? Yeah. When you start taking things away, which we put as armor sometimes, you know what I mean? The anger, the aggression, the drink, drugs, whatever it is. When you start taking things out of your life, you realize you're not, you haven't got really much left. So what are the things you need to work on? Do you know what I mean? What are you coping with?

1:39:21What are you thriving with? What's fucking taking you down the road? Like you can't keep living like this." And I had to make that journey. Do you know what I mean? So when I got kicked out of the army under medical conditions, um, I got transferred, still seeing psychiatrists at the Callington Centre in Coventry. The process was still hard and there was just, at some point, it was just like, I need to f-ing stop going counselling and therapy. Like, what am I going to do? Like these, they keep saying to me, they keep passing me on. It's too complicated, it's too complicated, the things you've got from...

1:39:50Even the psychiatrists are highly educated. couldn't help me got to a certain point and they were just like you're too complicated what's going on do you know i mean i can't deal with it i haven't got the knowledge so it'd be passed on to something else and you've got to really a bit again and i'm just like got on my medication they've been back i was like i'm fucking done with this and just handed all my medication in cut everyone out my life but once you start cutting out your life and you become quite vulnerable there's a lot of people that come into your life and i've been in situations where I fought people and my friends and they've got me into situations where I'm still suicidal, going to psychiatry every week on a lot of medication.

1:40:26They know that as well, but they know I had a little bit of money and they brought me into situations and business and completely fucking scammed me and fucked me over, bro. Where are they now? Nowhere, they don't call me. They've got the money and I'm fucked up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's what people do. How does it feel when you feel as if everybody that comes into your life fucks you over or you just don't have any visitors? Even the army and the brothers that you fought for, how did they not show up to the mental hospital? Just don't one person do like Chris James. That was it. Like he was my brother, I still is.

1:40:56They just don't because they have to, it's quite toxic in the military bro. Once you're seen as that kind of person, do you know what I mean? It's just like, there's actually people put this in place, some of the sergeants and the platoon sergeants, it even comes from the committee side majors and the higher, right? You need to distance yourself from him. You need to distance yourself. me, he's not a good person. But do you know what I mean? They want me on the front line in the green zone, stuff like that. But when I needed help, they wouldn't allow people around me. So you have to segregate yourself from people.

1:41:25And that's what military tells you sometimes, which is wrong. Do you know what I mean? You should be helping your brother. Should you stand up and say, nah, like he's got problems. We need to be there for him. Not say you can't hang around with him. Like he's a lost cause kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? So you lose that. You go from 500 friends to none. So, so quick, especially when you're kicked out or leaving the army, no one's there for you. What's the daily routine like in the mental hospital? It's literally get up, breakfast, medication. You're allowed like an hour supervision with training.

1:41:50So it was a gym in Basingstoke, um, on the first floor, go and do a little bit of fitness. I wasn't allowed to do it by myself. I had to be there with someone, go and watch a bit of TV, take some medication at lunch. They kept you highly medicated. So, which is a good reason because they keep you as a fucking bit of an empty vessel. Do you know what I mean? You're not high in the motions. You're not low. You just kind of monotone. So you're not doing anything stupid. Do you know what I mean? I knew I was taking the medication at night because when I was ringing my partner at night, I'd take my medication and as I was getting back to the room, every night you just sound drunk.

1:42:23I could slur him a word, dribble him, do you know what I mean? Because I'd go to sleep, but I wasn't getting any rest. Do you know what I mean? Because I'd be waking up night terrors, wanting to fucking self-harm, then going back to sleep. It's just constant. I wasn't getting REM sleep. I was just not resting. My body was fucked. Did you know the tablets were strong or did you just become so numb to it? I didn't really know mate like I just next minute like eight o 'clock we call him half eight I was out I couldn't even remember conversations. Is there different levels for mental patients or is everybody in the same ward?

1:42:56Yeah definitely yeah depending what you kind of got maybe if you've got psychosis bipolar do you know I mean split personality disorders if you've got PTSD there's different medications and stuff like that but cortyping's uh search link kind of helped me especially with the BPD as well because the mood inhibitor so it helps you deal with them emotions and keeps you kind of level. So I'm not very erratic and I'm not very depressive. I'm just, but then I don't take any medication. I haven't for years, mate. I've still got medication that still have the dates in it. But it's like a rhino or a lion sedated in it.

1:43:26It's just when you go to these, these kind of jungles are, and you see the animals, but they're sedated, there's got something there and you, they're just, I feel sorry for them. There's one in Scotland where you can drive around and there's lions and that but they're all sleepy and they've just you can tell they've been given something understandable if there's cars driving through you don't want fucking lions but because that one flew over the cuckoo's nest is one of the greatest movies of all time Jack Nicholson and he pretended to be nutty to be in there to get a lesser sentence and he ended up trying to help people yeah yeah unbelievable movie but the mindset and how it can be numbed is mad, you know, and how fucked up you must really be to go, he can't sustain normality.

1:44:16We need to dumb him down a bit and give him tablets and always question sometimes these people in the mental institutes that, imagine some of them were actually seeing people, imagine people were actually hearing voices and yet we just dismissed them as crazy, you know? Somebody may be stuck in a different dimension or a different realm. It's possible. I've never seen it. I heard that. You know how that way when I used to come in after a party and I used to hear voices someone shouting I used to think what the fuck is that? But I don't know if I was down in sleep I don't know if I was just tripping balls but you wonder if not everybody can be crazy you know it's in these places imagine some of them were actually telling the truth and nobody believed them because there was no kind of cure for them.

1:44:58Everyone comes from their own reality right? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You believe it's like 100 % I was hearing voices they were telling me to do some mad fucking shit I entered psychosis a lot of times. This is why, and while it wasn't any class A's or B's, this is when I was taking that medication, like, they were telling me to kill myself or kill people and seek vengeance and constantly had to lock myself in the room, throw away the key, stuff like that. And even going to the shop, I couldn't shop, like, it would send me fucking chaotic, like, I had to go Tesco at two o 'clock in the morning, do Hard Target or fucking Queens Ave, go to the shop, because I couldn't hear fucking, I had to go with headphones in because if I heard fucking like the trolley or the wheel going and stuff like that, I'll put my fucking belt buckle up and fucking go around.

1:45:37Like people think I'm a weirdo, like having nosebleeds because my anxiety would go through the roof. I'm just like, what the fuck have I turned into? I was fighting Taliban fucking six months ago and now I'm fucking going Tesco getting a nosebleed. I was just like, you're fucked. And when you sit down and look at yourself, you're fucked, spudge. You have to take a hard look at yourself and that's where resilience comes from when you've got nothing left, emotionally, physically, mentally, like what are you going to build from that. Do you know what I mean? Like if you put a seed in concrete, ain't going to grow bro.

1:46:06When you put your seed free fucking shit in fertilizer, when it's been through the shit, that's where the real growth happens. You have to take the shit out of your life, use it as fertilizer and gain strength from it. Cause if you don't, you just can be less of a man. When did the penny drop that you needed to do then? But it's not as if you weren't though, because you were still seeing these people, you were still following orders, basically take this, do this, but it's just numbing you down. pharmaceutical drugs listen I always say this as well but sometimes people are at the edge and sometimes these drugs can actually pull them back so I get that in a sense but to be staying on them for a year five years ten years it's a scary process that because the damage it does to your liver your kidneys your heart your mental state and it tells you on the box that you can still be suicidal you know it's easier for people to say oh go in nature and disconnect it doesn't happen that way because if you're hearing voices if you want to kill people you want to kill yourself.

1:47:01Sometimes these drugs actually bring people back to a normal state and then the penny may be dropped. You know, I just don't like the fact that people take them for years and years and years without really getting to the root problem, because then you just become so numb to life, you know? Then the medication needs to come with therapy, medication, then therapy. Mm-hmm. Do I mean therapy, then medication in crisis, medication first, then do that. Like it shouldn't happen. So I'm a medical technician. So I do medicals all across the UK and some of the biggest sites, SS2 sites and stuff like that.

1:47:30People come to me and tell me what medication they're on and stuff. And I'd be vulnerable open with them. I do talks for some of the biggest contractors in the country. And it's about the medication and some people are on Sertraline and Cotyping and these, um, medications for years. I'm just like, so I have a conversation, like, why are you on this medication? I had a breakup from a girlfriend like six, six years ago. You've been on the vacation six years. Yeah. Well, the doctor just kept me on it. Do you need it? I'm not very, what are you doing on it, bro? It completely changes your chemical imbalance.

1:48:00Do you know what I mean? When you come off that medication, you're gonna have a shot, bro. Do you know what I mean? Because I went into some whirlwinds coming off that medication. Do you know what I mean? It's bad. Like you have to drip feed yourself off it. I've tried it a couple of times. I was like, you know, I'm going cold turkey. I had to go cold turkey with my stuff. When did you start coming through the other end? I know you've got your battles, but when did you start seeing, well, do you know what? I can have a life here. I don't need to live in the past. When did that start coming into fruition?

1:48:26Not long ago, bro. No, about 10 minutes ago. Nah, probably a good, um, I'll say a couple of years ago, bro, probably three, three years ago. Um, I had two beautiful kids, my little boy Story, who's three years old, four in November, I had my little girl Navy. Um, absolutely amazing kids. And it. Great names. Why the names though? Is that Navy because of? No, Navy is just a beautiful name. Colour? What is that? Because I'm trying to keep calm, blues calmness. Yeah. Story, actually, one of our next door neighbors said it, and it just stuck like it, because I've got them tatted on my face, story there and Navy down there.

1:49:01Story is just like the first chapter of me trying to be a better man. And that's what they've taught me. Like the kids have taught me how to be emotionally intelligent, to regulate my emotions, how to be a better man, how to be a better heart partner. Um, but that turning point for me, I think, was firstly, my sister passing away. That fucking killed me. Absolutely still kills me today. Like, I can't go down that road. I can't be that. and I could be in that position right now. When I was 32, do you know what I mean? I was just having kids. I imagine I was in the same position as my sister. I used to drink to get close to my sister.

1:49:33I used to drink to get close to my mum. Do you know what I mean? I used to drink every day for years, bro. Getting up, taking a drink, going to sleep, taking a drink for years, constantly, doesn't matter where I am. I was doing that for years. I'm just like, I've got a fucking problem here. Do you know what I mean? I need to fucking stop. Do you know what I mean? I had to filter out of it, stop it, constantly going back on it. It's hard. I think some of the people that go for addictions, some of the most resilient people you'd ever f-ing meet, to go through them is hard work. So when you found out your missus was pregnant when the first kid, how hard is that though, to think about everything you've been through?

1:50:07Because I'm an overprotector, too protective, but I don't care. I would rather have it that way. But how was that feeling becoming a dad? It was a great feeling, but was it worries of all the stuff that you went through? It's the first time, James, I cried tears I didn't know what I thought before I remember sitting in my car crying fuck I'm crying I'm not sad it's the first time I've cried happy tears bro and I found out my son I was just like Matt I was like loads of emotions started to come I started to cry I'm just like am I sad am I supposed to be trying to kill myself here I was like Dave you're having a son like this is good I just wanted to feel a bit more happy I'm just like fucking hell you can cry through happiness do you know what I mean and then thought started coming the negativity, how the fuck did my dad give me up?

1:50:54How did my fucking dad not be there for me? Like the emotions I'm feeling right now, you can't subside that, but I don't know what he went through. Do you know what I mean? I was best friend in the world bro, best friend in the world. I love fucking being a dad. Like you say, I'm 100 % over detective, speak to my kid, you're getting chopped bro, don't give a shit. It is isn't it? You just don't care, like don't do it. Especially in this world, especially what you've been through as well. So I'd imagine your your senses are weaving more heightened you know but because of the people I interview they're up there just as much as well because I know how fucking dark the world can be and there's as much as this isn't any shit in the world as well because as much as there's darkness there's always beauty there's so much beautiful stuff in this world there's so much great things that we just override and take for granted we just don't see the precious things of life and how it actually exists and our purpose you know and you don't actually have to have the massive purpose to take over the world it can be anything just to fucking have a better garden or whatever it is you want exactly yeah you can have certain things and everybody's purposes are different everybody's levels of success are different you know and being a father for me everything I want more kids I'm going to have more kids I think it's I'm in a better place now yeah 15 years ago I had two girls pregnant at the same time and that was because I never thought I'd make it to 30 you know so i didn't i don't think yeah i didn't care who i got pregnant i didn't care how many kids i had if i'm honest yeah yeah but then you have them and there's there comes a lot of stress with having kids to different partners as well you know it's not the family structure is so important to have that mum and dad under the same roof so don't buy into the bullshit you'll see a lot of these people's online to say have multiple partners this and that for me that's all backwards because it comes with stress having other people raise your kids as well why the fuck would you want that you know and that's the hard thing because I know what I am as an individual I know what I can bring to the world and everything is for my family and having kids is the best thing I just think now I just want more kids I think it's just a great thing to bring into this world and as much as the UK is on its ass there's still a lot of goodness here, there's still a lot you can achieve and there's still a lot of things that you can really bring into the world, especially when you've got kids, you can really give them your knowledge, you know?

1:53:16Exactly, you can change the world with your kids. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So you're becoming a dad, were you mentally sane for it? Were you in a good place for it or were you scared? I was scared, bro, because that instant fear, like fucking hell, I'm not going to follow my dad's footsteps. Am I going to be a shit dad? I turn up for my kids every single day. I've got a very amicable relationship. With the mother of kids, she's an absolutely amazing mum. Do you know what I mean? I see my kids most days, FaceTime every day. I'm very grateful for the position they am. I've put her through a lot of pain, but she still turns up for me, my ex, which is great.

1:53:49I could see it as a negative. Like I don't really have my kids overnight. They're still breastfed. It's the, but I'm good. Do you know what I mean? My kids see me every, every single day. And I just, like you say, like, I don't want another person picking up my kids. Like they can't love you like that kind of way. Do you know what I mean? It's, it's amazing being a dad. When did you start getting into the swing of it, that you were changing, that you were making better choices, that you weren't as angry as you, you first were, you know? Mainly with interactions of people, I think, through my social media as well.

1:54:17Like I started to become very vulnerable on social media, um, did a public speaking, um, event, which helped me because I lost my voice bro. Do you know what I mean? I just couldn't talk about my trauma. I just couldn't, I was done with it. But that led me to a point where I had to tell my story. Once I started to tell my story, I started to be more vulnerable, people started connecting with me. And one of my first videos I ever did was about suicide. And this is what kept me doing my content because it was quite draining talking about the things that I've gone through and trying to help you because people trouble with them.

1:54:51Yeah, you probably get it a lot as well. People just don't say hi, bro. They'll just tell you everything they've been in for straight away. And you're just like, f*****g hell. But, so I did a video about suicide and how it's impacted me, do you know what I mean? And it's, it's a traumatic thing to go through. And one of my mates, Martin Moore, he actually contacted me, he sent me a message through Facebook, just asking people as I can. He's a man's man bro, like he's in CP, amazing fucking soldier, always looked into him, he was an amazing soldier. I was like, this don't seem like my, like, my notion of awareness, my instincts were just like, why is he being so happy like there's something not right here.

1:55:28I was like, what's up bro, give me your number, let me ring ya. Rang him and that, we were talking through. He's like, bro Smudge, I just want to be honest with you. I said, of course bro, tell me anything, what's up? He said a couple of nights ago bro, like I was sat there, I was at work, I rang home to my mum to tell my little girl like to say bye, like he was going to commit suicide, he got his medication. And when he was on the phone, when he put the phone down, there was Instagram there and my video popped up about suicide. He just sat there, he said, bro, that stopped me committing suicide.

1:55:58And that hit me, bro. I was like, social media can be powerful in good ways. And that's why I've been very relentless in the things I do. I don't stop. I've never changed after my videos once or twice a day. I've got nearly 1500 videos, bro, talking about things. And I know I had purpose and that gave me a little bit of fucking glimmer. Started doing the content, talking about vulnerability. Some of my early videos are fucking terrible, bro. Do you know what I mean? Me trying to fucking speak to the camera, like a fucking soldier. like, now I'm more fluid, a lot like a robot, but trying to be vulnerable with people, letting people know like, you're not, you're not the only person thinking like that.

1:56:31Do you know what I mean? Get through and it's helped heal a lot of me. I've been my own therapist. I do a lot of videos saying my therapist said, do you know what I mean? That's the therapy I put for myself, for my own coach. I've had to coach myself and that's what you should do as a person, especially as a man. Coach yourself to be a better person, to coach other people. And that's what you should do with your kids. Like as men, we should coach our kids. Do you know what I mean? We're parent, father first, but we need to coach our kids to be better human beings, more emotionally intelligent.

1:56:54Do you know what I mean? Aggression for kids is an amazing outlet of emotion. Like don't stop them being aggressive, put it in situations where you're there. I'll let my kids do stupid shit supervised, because you should do, not try and protect them all the time. And that's what I think I learned about it, brother. I was being very overprotective in certain situations when I didn't need to, because they didn't know what was going on. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's more a reflection of yours, like you see. but yeah, kids are a, they're a mirror image, you know, of their parents and the reflection of their parents.

1:57:23And sometimes I was trying to be too protective is because we're trying to protect ourselves and it can be self-harm. Yeah. And it's just a difficult one. Where's the fine line of being too protective where they don't want to speak to you about anything to then being under protective where they've got a free throw cause kids are little fuckers. They will test and push you to the fucking. True narcissist. Yeah. If you let them away with a ninge, they will run a mile and they're little fucking bastards they've got to be honest it's not easy being a mum or dad especially in today's society especially with social media especially with so much disconnect in the world it's not back in the day we played football in the streets until 10, 11 at night my mum used to have to come out the window and keep shouting and I used to think fuck her I'm playing football and in the summers we used to steal the fire engine key phone the fire brigade I was always setting fires that's what I was on the fireboxes.

1:58:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down for the fire brigade when the fire engine used to come up, you used to lift up the side, steal the fire key and then you could let off the fire hydrants and used to make little boats and like my childhood was great when I think about it as well. There was a lot of fucked up times, but I just feel as if kids now, they're not having that luxury of being kids. They're not connecting. Yeah. That there's, there's going to be a massive wave. I think of even worse mental health because they don't connect. They just text, they don't communicate with each other, disassociate how they see it.

1:58:50That's why there's so many freaking rapes with young girls. Do you know what I mean? Because they're seeing porn, they're seeing OnlyFans, they're seeing it like all this money can be earned. People who do OnlyFans should be banned from social media. That's me saying that out loud. You should not be putting that on social media where kids can get ahold of it. Do it in your own time. Don't care if you're making money. It shows what your kind of mental character is like. You rather portray yourself to be someone on social media for money, but then kids can watch it as well. Like who are you portraying?

1:59:14But they're making it, porn is free for a reason, because it dumbs down the mindset. The more porn you watch, the more depressed you are. It's not real. And we're buying into that. That's why it's free. They give us it for free to dumb us down. They can switch off porn instantly. They've just changed the, you've got to give your ID to watch Pornhub now. They could have done that many years ago. They could make changes if you can cut out certain words about COVID and lockdowns. They can cut out anything. they can track down pedophiles, they can find out their network, what kids they're trying to groom, how's it all connected.

1:59:48I was watching a man just a few days ago and he's like an investigator and he was saying with like the groomers online, they all follow the same sort of people. So all you have to do is look at the friends list, look at the locations and you can actually find out the kids who are being abused, the potential kids who are being abused, the setup, the the paedophile ring that's with it, they can actually do that. They have the data, they have the algorithms to stop all this out, but they don't because it makes the world fucked up. They need all this madness in the world because it keeps everybody's vibration though.

2:00:21Yeah, 100%. You know? So you have the kids, the mindset's changing, you're speaking online, how's life then? It's getting better bro, do you know what I mean? Like through my social media, I've just been relentless with it bro, do you know what I mean? Every single day, I try and turn up for people and that's what I try and do is be the big brother to people. I mean, give advice. Like I always thought one-to-ones are really good, but when you can speak one-to-many, which social media gives me that platform, it's been good, but it's been hard because I've had to learn about things about myself, put in boundaries and learn about myself.

2:00:50Do you know what I mean? I'm doing great in coaching. I do mindset coaching, life coaching. Still haven't got my fucking life together, but I still give people advice. Doing that, I coach people all across the world, bro. It's just, I'm so grateful to have this life and I found Jesus two years. He's completely changed my life, having faith, learning about Jesus, having a relationship with him, praying every single day. We're all sinners at the end of the day. We're just trying to be better. And that's what kind of Christianity gave me in following Jesus. Like he's the most historical person in the world, but people don't want to believe him.

2:01:19Do you know what I mean? The scientific evidence he was there. Do you know what I mean? What he did. Do you know what I mean? You can't disbreve it. You can't. So do you think that's game for you? I always talk about religion as well. Like everybody can follow who they want. And I think it's the homeless work that we do and other like gambling and stuff people turn to the lord or turn to christ or they turn to sort of religion to have that belief do you think that's why a lot of people feel lonely because because if you've got a belief in a religion you've got that something's always there or have that faith that somebody's always everything's a mindset whether it exists or not it's in your mind but if you've got that belief of somebody's there to protect you i don't see anything wrong with that but we're just living in a day where everything's divide everybody's religions here their gods are here and everybody's right and everybody's wrong and everybody's fighting.

2:02:05There's no harm in having a belief that helps you and makes you a better person as long as you're not harming anyone. There's a faith and you've always got to have faith no matter the circumstances in life but to have a faith and a higher power it must be a beautiful thing. Was that the first time you've never felt alone then when you've turned your mind to a faith and a religion? Yeah, I didn't need Jesus. Didn't need my life was good. When he was good for an answer was good. like, what do I have to worry about? I was sound. Do you know what I mean? Then I just fell to my knees one night. I was just like, just feel so lonely.

2:02:38Not just loneliness, there was no peace in my life. When you search for Jesus, he'll always give you peace, refuge. Do you know what I mean? That's why, like you just said a minute ago, like when you've got nothing, when everyone has nothing in life, what do you fall back on? Faith and hope, right? And that's what Jesus give you. So when obviously Jesus died on the cross and ascended to heaven, what did he leave behind? the Holy Spirit. He gave that to everyone. Everyone had the presence of God. Jesus gave us that. That's why when we're going through difficult situations, do you know what I mean?

2:03:05People say about Jesus, you don't realize every single word that comes to your mouth is Jesus. You don't realize it. Like Yahweh, when you break it down and take the vow, I think it's the vows out, it's the word of breath. You break it down. You can't disprove it, bro. And that's what came to me, which is like, I kept search advantage of scientific, historical and going down the route. I don't follow religion. I just follow Christ. Anything he says goes. What's the difference? Religion, Christ? Religion is wars, crusades, people manipulating people. Do you know what I mean? People grain Christianity to take over and conquer places and stuff.

2:03:41I don't do that. Whatever Jesus does, I do when I try and follow with the disciples. What did Jesus do? What do you believe? As in? Like his life and why he was here, his purpose. So he came back and obviously he came as a form, so from God to flesh as man, and he fulfilled all the prophecies from the Old Testament. Do you know what I mean? Moses, Joseph, he fulfilled them prophecies and that's what really cemented it for me. It's just like everything God said happened at the start, he proved. And it came to fruition. Everything he said came true. The miracles, everything he said was the truth.

2:04:19He's never told lies the most sinless man ever to, like, do you know what I mean? He's never sinned. Like, why would you not believe someone that died on the cross, dropped him in a rose three days later and then ascended to heaven 40 days later? I'd believe it. If that happened now, would you not believe that person? Of course. 100%. He'd come back. So why would you not now? It's not even that long ago, 2000 years ago. It's not long. What do you think life is? Ain't it a mad journey life, Sid Meir? What do you think it is? It's, it's, I do this all the time. I, I come, I become very conscious of my thoughts and people around me.

2:04:48I think it's a superpower because we all live on like the subconscious, the autopilot 90 % of the time. When you become conscious, you can realize the person you are, even walking around here, just looking at people like people are fucking weird, bro. Humans are weird. Like if you can't think there's a higher power, like everything, like Greg's fucking Subway, coffee, this, can, us speaking, communicating, the brain, the iris, how we develop the fingerprints, the hairs on the head. It's just, I feel sorry for people that have faith in a way. I'm so glad I've done it. And I do try and put it through my social media.

2:05:19I don't force it down people's throat. Jesus says, don't do that. But yeah. Do you find that hard though? Cause I remember when I stopped drinking and taking gear and stopped gambling, I felt like fucking Jesus. I was, did you look like him as well? Yeah, I had a top knot and I started growing my hair. but I felt like I had to preach because I felt so good like between the ages probably between maybe 14 to 30 you're lucky if I was off the drink any more than two weeks you know and then I gave it I was off it for three months everything like there was something decided that I needed to change I was sick of being sick I was sick of being the loud one at the parties I was sick of trying to please everybody there was a circus act I should have joined the fucking circus if I'm honest but there was a time when I made the changes I was off it for three or four months and it felt so good I'd never had that experience or someone tell me what it was like not drinking not taking drugs it's all I knew for many years but once you stop it's like your energy I think they call it the pink cloud or something at the start but I just felt so good and I was saying listen you don't need to do that but I was going out with my friends and you could tell you want people to say that yeah from the guy who was always a loud one the funny one who was always up for having a laugh to being a pain in the ass, you know, but I just wanted them to feel that we don't have to live that life.

2:06:43You don't have to hide away from the drinking drugs. You can actually cut it away and actually start becoming sane and actually fearing you're part of something instead of being, like you're on medication, you're slurring. I was like that all the time because if you're drinking, taking gear, then I'm smoking joints, then I'm taking valleys. It's everything's just the kind of, it was like a fucking, I was like a zombie but I still looked the part because I could dress smart I could go for a couple of sunbeds so you couldn't see the bags under my eyes I hid everything I hid it all well but when I changed I felt fucking everybody needs to do this I started posting stop drinking if people were drinking I'm saying why are you doing that if I've seen them smoking that's bad for you I realised I was becoming a dick because everybody's in different stages of their life your ego starts to drive up yeah yeah yeah and I wanted people to see that I was doing okay I want to promote it and it's like narcissism in a way it's like your egos you're promoting so you step back and what I done is start making progress started achieving things in my life wait a minute how does a kid from Glasgow make those changes then travel the world creating a massive podcast interviewing great people and then what happens is when people see you live your life you'll tend to see people start reaching out to you instead of me trying to that's where the change yeah starting to grip people in and I need to get back to that kind of person as well and just leading by example and try to do the right things you know you can cut up your own bubble and your own hype sometimes you you kind of get lost in it you can do bro like i i give advice wherever you want to take it it's up to you it's my opinion my opinion i don't speak about anything that i've not been through i won't do that there's a lot of fucking dickheads on social media do you know i mean i do feel like calling a lot of people out they're spouting shit when they're not living that shit bro do you know i mean i'm not scared i'm not scared of anyone but i'm not i'm not saying i'm hard or anything i'm going to give a shit call me out call me out the things, but there's a lot of people on social media that need to be called out.

2:08:34Do you know what I mean? I feel like doing it sometimes, bro. I'm just like, bro, you're a dickhead in real life. You're trying to go on like you're fucking positive all the time. You're not. Do you know what I mean? It's so like you're going through at the minute. Do you know what I mean? But it's just, it's mad. People try and portray this after an image. And so I'm exactly the same on social media, off social media. I'm going straight to the point, direct with the point, take my opinion, take it. That's the best way to be because when you surround yourself with people, I've interviewed so many people and I'd like to think people you leave a good imprint you go is it fucking alright the cunt do you know what I'm saying you're not fucking people over you're not being bad everything you say goes you know I do my own thing I've got my own life to lead when I'm not doing fucking interviews people just know you sometimes as being doing interviews but there's a lot more substance to it there's a lot more layers to your story and your life you know there's a lot of stuff I like to keep private as well and if I do yeah you've got to have some fucking sort of mystery you know but we're living in a world where everything's you can get caught on the social media hype and you can lose yourself.

2:09:32It's like, look at me and I need to be careful of that, but it's too hard because it's like an addiction as well. I've fucking replaced everything and then you've got this social media thing with electronical numbers that can make or break your day as well. You know, and I always feel like a contradiction sometimes because sometimes I'll do something and I think I'm just a fucking loon ball. I'm just, there's no difference. But then you look at the changes and what 10 years can do to a person, and what five years can do, what one day can do. There's a second that your life can change your whole, your whole outlook.

2:10:04Just that having certain words from somebody can change your whole life. Yeah, there's a claim you're saying that I think overnight success takes 20 years. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's just, I've tried to dissociate myself from social media. Don't really look at the views now and again. Don't really look at the algorithms. Not asked. You can shadow ban me, do what you want. I'm still going to do my content. People get too attracted to it. Like they need to build the views and they get that hype that I'm doing great. I'm on this podcast. I'm like, I can't give a fuck, mate. I'm there to help people.

2:10:28I put my content out like you. I'll message everyone back, right? Now I've got fucking tennis elbow, fucking from messaging people back all the time, commenting people back, because I know what it's like for me that certain parts of my life, whenever I had someone to contact me, when they're fucking trauma, they've been up with me and gone through shit. I try and message back. When people are suicidal, I try and message back. I've been on phone calls with people I don't know across the world, America, fucking Canada. Do you know what I mean? Fucking everywhere, Australia, because they're going through their shit.

2:10:52Do you know what I mean? I don't do it for anything else. I don't gain any money off fucking social media. I do from my coaching, but it's my time I'm giving to you. I never thought I would ever be a coach. I was forced into it through my trauma. I've had to learn and develop myself, going through courses, education, books, constantly fucking, I'm dyslexic. I can't even fucking read anything. I read the Bible for the first time last year, front to back. Do you know what I mean? I want to keep reading it. There's books out there that will actually help you. Like, The Body Keeps the Score is an amazing book for trauma.

2:11:20Absolutely amazing. like Dr Gabby Mate, absolutely amazing. Dr Joe Dispenza, amazing. Yeah, he's amazing. Amazing. I started listening to him maybe five, ten years ago. Absolute go to meditation. And everything's about the neural pathways and how you can change how you think and feel. Because there was a video I watched, I actually need to do a video about it, I've saved it. There's two psychologists, one takes the student back to the trauma and relives the pain all the time. Yeah. But he was making the most money, why? Because the students have to keep coming back to face it. The other one was all about the now in the future your past is done fuck it obviously you need to unpack some levels of it to face it and get that emotion out but this psychologist was just going through the revolving door like you you're pouring your heart out nah we can't deal with you doing the same fucking routine it just confirms and reaffirms that you're fucked up in the head because speaking about old emotions and trauma can take you back Joe Dispencer speaks about it speaking about pain or trauma no matter where it was a week ago 25 years ago the brain releases the chemical to the pain you'd felt that day that's how powerful the brain is so why would we keep repeating the same negative hard hitting fucking emotion all the time it's okay to speak about helping other people but if you're speaking about it every day it's not going to heal you this other psychologist was all about the future and the present and purpose and they never went with that one they went with the old guy who was kept repeating the same shit because he was making the most money because he wanted people to come in and talk about it all the time and repeating it and repeating it and repeating it but some people do therapy for 20-30 years when I was going to the GA meetings I used to look at people and I think nah he's fucked he's fucked I'm not that bad yeah yeah yeah I was just as fucking bad because anybody with addictions you're all on the same you're all on the same level playing field you're all on the same floor does it matter how bad or how much money you've lost or how many teeth you have and they've got their teeth it does not matter these are all because you've no they've got the the addiction's got the power over you but I remember looking around and I think nah they're all fucked but I was I went through a few steps and I just when I started listening to The Secret the powerful words were I am which was a powerful for me but then when I used to stand up in the meetings where it was CA I wasn't an alcoholic but it all comes hand in hand because if I was gambling my money I would then steal stuff to get a bit of gear I would hang around with drug dealers I'd be the clown they would give me free gear it's like an exchange I'll make you laugh you'll give me your gear that's that and I was gambling and I would take money off from time to time they know they weren't getting it back but we all had like a a weird fucking relationship that everybody played their part it's a transactional yeah and then i didn't like the fact of i am a gambler i don't like the fact of i am an alcoholic i don't like the fact of those words are so powerful because i'm i'm not in recovery i'm recovered and i love that thought so i started looking at joe dispensers and yeah yeah who else was i was still listening to les brown this man tony robbins they were old school but i just didn't like the fact that i am so then i came out and i thought i can do this myself i did do it for two years but then i fucked it man i went missing for a year and started everything again but with that year of being on it i realized how good my life was the two years i was off it i was a better friend i was a better dad actually says if i'll be there at 4 p.m i'll be there instead of always felt as if everything in my life was a lie and it was a difficult things you know i've still got issues and problems that i deal with now but i deal with it as respectful as i can you know and i just feel as if when you cut away the bullshit you actually become a higher vibration become a better individual but when you start going through the process of like gambling all these meetings i just didn't like the fact of i am i just felt as if i don't want to be and there's people who do that 20 30 40 years at these meetings and help change life these men are amazing i just didn't like that and i thought fuck it i'm going to do it myself slip back and then thankfully i've been on the path for nearly eight years now which is a long time but it does fizzle as well bro you know you don't feel fuck all because i know how i felt when you're going through the transition at the start yeah you kind of lose you attach yourself yeah you lose it sometimes and sometimes that's how fucked up my mind can go i think you know what fuck it i might get on it to see if i'm still strong enough to change again yeah that's how fucking my that's not metaphor as well though but people that go for addiction they say if they're clean and they've got clean and they've passed addiction can you still be in the same environments and not take do you know i mean that's a gray area do you know i mean i've been off drinking drugs now because i don't want my kids to ever see me drink or drink or take drugs nearly three years now bro i'll never ever take a drink or drug ever again in my life and that's me putting that on social media i'll never do it again ever because i don't want that life for me because i know for the fact that will take you down the road I won't come back from.

2:16:08Yeah. One drink for me. I'm not stopping. I'm a violent little fucker bro. I'm not stopping bro. I'd be on fucking Instagram lies. Everybody would be getting it. Do you know what? I've got a grenade toad. They call me the social hand grenade in the day I mean. Give me a drink. The pop's pinned mate. Yeah. Put me in a situation mate. I'll find a fight. But I'm at that stage in my life now. I don't have another recovery in me because I know how well my life is going, you know? And I think, why would I jeopardize that? But again, it's the self-sabotage. Yeah. It's the self-sabotage. I just think, I don't think I could get it back because then already feel like imposter syndrome kicks in anyway.

2:16:45You already feel like a fraud. Well, I do. And I think if I done that, I just, it would give everybody the ammunition that they need, you know, and it would just overcome everything. And I think what the fuck would the point be? I know it. I knew you'd do it. Yeah. So they'd say to you straight away, like people don't support you every time someone points their finger me around. I'm just like, bro, you know, you're pointing three back, but you ain't cleaning fucking fingers. You know what I mean? I'd put my sins out there and I'd just try and be vulnerable as possible. Do you know what I mean?

2:17:08Like you say with the I am, I stopped doing that. I stopped doing affirmations. I stopped it. Do you know what I mean? Completely stopped it. I just worked it myself. I don't do it. I don't see the point in it. Like there's a lot of people I coach who go through addiction and therapy and stuff like that. They drop off their counselors and their therapists and they come and see me and I'm just like, bro, this is a lot of pressure, but I get on through it because I want you in my system and out my system as quick as possible. Saying you need to build a business. The quicker you build a business, you want to get out of the business, so it runs by itself.

2:17:35And that's what I try and do with my coaching. I don't want you here six, seven, eight months down the line, because all I'm doing is just taking money. I don't want to take your money. I want to change your perspective and push you out and go and do it. I'll always be there for you. Do you know what I mean? This is what I'm saying. Like for people, like you say, therapy for years. Why? People go to retreats for years. Why? You're just changing the addiction. It's the same as ayahuasca and stuff. I've done ayahuasca, but again, it's another form of an escape, you know? I've done tambo in that.

2:18:02Yeah. It's okay to try it. it's okay to dip your toe in because we're always looking for answers as human we really want to know the source why we're here who brought us here can we see things can we fight with trauma can you like ayahuasca is sexy because it makes you face all your fears and demons reconnect you with your soul for me that's beautiful you know but as people go back every month there's people smoke dmt every day there's no difference from smoking smack or whatever it is because it's taking you away from the source you don't give a kid ayahuasca dmt when it's born so why would we give adults it's funny how we've got an age restriction you can start drinking it and you can start smoking you can start doing this but for me it's to be as pure as possible it's to disconnect from all the negatives and get rid of all the static because then your vibration becomes higher but it's so different because we're caught in a very fast-paced world you know and i've no issues with people doing ayahuasca whatever they've done it and i met so many great people who were still friends with but there's a lot of people who've done it once and then they can't stop they're always there again, you know?

2:19:02They need it. Yeah. And again, that's falling back on a little comfort blanket. How, when are you at your happiest? With my kids. Yeah. At church. That's, I've got a routine that I keep to. I'm happy when I'm not with people. Simple as that. I've, I've, I've, uh, allowed myself to regulate myself. Like people always say I'm a closed book or you're, I'm not really with anyone because I know how to regulate myself properly now. Do you know what I mean? Cause most, majority of people come into your life to take from you. They don't come to give. it's very hard it's a very small amount that come just to say hello and see how you are do i mean what's that friend that literally calls you up just to see how you are and there's no like backwards intention to it do i mean one thing it really gets me mate is kind of revenge i think and trying to karma like it's i think people need to be accountable for their actions i do forgive people but i never forget there's a lot of people in my life like i'll never forget and their karma will come and karma comes in different forms karma comes in the form of me karma comes in the form of people or situations that are going to tear you down.

2:20:01Like, people think you should just leave it, let it be, let it calm and deal with it. Sometimes you'll say calm me into your own hands, bro. And I fully believe in that. Like, I'll never back away from anything, bro. Like, when people have fought me over, which they have, their day will come. Whether it's me knocking down on the door. Like, when I was going through some shit about a year ago, bro, trying to turn my head. I can't believe a lot of people that scam me and robbed me. Like, I was above the bed, bro. Getting into the house, they didn't know I was there. Do you know what I mean? Just sat there waiting.

2:20:28I was like, fucking hell, I've got kids, I could really fuck my life up here. And you need to take yourself back. But it's just, where's that thin line with you? Where's karma and accountability? It's difficult because we're all egotistic as well. And pride gets the better of us. And I don't need to be getting involved in shit and drama, but I'm who I am as well. And I'm not going to let people walk all the top of me. I ain't so I'm fucking sick. head where you go wait a minute i'm doing well so i'm just going to sit back let people talk shit nah it doesn't work that way wait a minute sometimes you've got to put your head above the clouds and go okay let's go and put people in a place you've got to fucking be strong a strong-minded where whether that's being positive or negative sometimes a negative can be a positive because you go do you know what i don't give a fuck but listen they can do x y and z here you know what everybody's got that killer instinct in them anybody can be got no matter who you are no matter where you think you are i bet you get it as well where people will say to you are the truth, James is coming up.

2:21:23Yeah. I get it all the time. Yeah. I'm putting you in your fucking place, mate. Yeah. You're mad. Oh, you're all positive now, ain't you, mate? Mm-hmm. A hundred percent, mate. Nobody's positive 34-7. It doesn't exist. I would rather be positive though than negative. Yeah. But people are going to test you and we can all, whether we believe in Christ or being positive and it takes a bigger man to step away, sometimes it takes the bigger man to step forward. A hundred percent. And that's what people need to understand, you know, that ain't a fucking game. This is real life. we've still got things to protect.

2:21:52So people want to talk shit. People want to act the big man. Come and show me you're the big man. That's, you know, and there's no fucking about. We don't need to hide just because I'm not shouting and screaming every day. Does it mean you're some fucking bum? If it's going to accept, you know? The people that hide away and don't take accountability for their actions when they've fucked over people mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, some of the worst people in the world, bro. Some people, all they've got is hate. And it's hard sometimes to tell you, you've got to forgive everyone.

2:22:17I can't forgive. you've done wrong how the fuck can I forgive you yes you know what you maybe go you try and forget about these people but these people try to harm you these people have harmed your family you don't forgive never forgive and that's hard to say because we're not living in a fruity fucking world where everybody's skipping down the roads holding hands listening to fucking love music you know people are bad out there you know there's good and evil in this world sometimes you've got to be the evil to get the good yeah definitely I say like you've got to forgive the person, but not the situation.

2:22:50Yeah, you can. You can't do it. Like I'll never forget what people have put me through, do you know what I mean? And don't try and shake my hand and try and be my friend. It's manipulation, bro. There's so many people out there will literally manipulate you, bro. We've all got an agenda. Every one of us have got an agenda. Some good, some bad. My job is just to provide for my family and try and live as peaceful as I can. But on the other hand, this is a fucking war zone up here. Nobody knows what the fuck I'm going through. And that's the thing where people don't understand i'm doing everything i can to be as calm as i can be to give my kids a better life but on the other hand i think you know what i would do a sentence for you you can't that's where i my mind can go as no as shoes i'm not trying to be tough i've never portrayed myself as a gangster or a fighter i don't claim myself to be a professional or whatever but i know i've got a set of fucking you can go though bro yeah yeah i've got to say i fucking balls and i'll go toe to toe with anybody no disrespect to anybody out there the majority of men think they can fight against the against anything but a pro I fancy my chances no matter how they are who they are I know I can throw hands I know I can take a dig that's enough for me and you don't even need to throw a punch out in this day and age all you need to do is fucking defend yourself for 30 seconds a minute that person's blown out their ass now you can pick them to pieces but we're living in a day and age that everybody thinks they can fight everybody thinks they're a gangster people are hiding behind a screen wait till you get that chap on the door remember me then let's see how fucking big they are then like I say I don't give a fuck about my platform podcast or whatever it is, whatever I'll do, I can be successful at no matter what.

2:24:20But sometimes like people talk about, oh, people are getting canceled. You cancel yourself. Cancel is a mindset. What to take away your social media. So fuck the cans. They took away my Facebook, took away my TikTok, they've tried to fuck us over on the media. They know I've just rise above it because whatever it is, it does affect you. I'll always find a way out. You've got it, but it's that mindset. The same I have, the same with you, man. I ain't scared of no one. Like there's loads of people that are probably got problems. I made that I'll knock your door. I could, yeah, like, yes, I've got a lot to lose, but I'm not going to lose that part of it.

2:24:48Like, don't think you can just talk to me like shit and fuck me over and not get away with it. I buy my time, I'm on a observer now. I sit back, wait, I'm a sniper bro, just wait. I'll bet my time it'll come, bro. You'll pop your head at some point. Yeah, life's a chess game. Yeah, yeah. Whether it's a year, five years, 10 years, I don't forget, I will pop up. There's people that's fucked me over, yeah, like literally like, I would say names on the app, but I don't because they've got their come up, I want to come in, man, it will happen. 100%. Don't think I'm a sly dog just because you can't hear me, bro.

2:25:15Yeah. Do you know what I mean? There's going to be certain points where I will be knocking at your door where I have done, but they keep moving away where they've robbed me a lot of money. They think they can get away from stuff. Do you know what I mean? I can sleep at night, bro. I can sleep at my door open. You can't. You have to lock your door. You have to put your social media on private. So you have to segregate yourself and people because you don't want to be associated with people. No, you've fucked people over. Do you know what I mean? You're trying to hide away from society and your fucking accountability.

2:25:36The true definition, mate, of changing as a person, a better person, is changing your character. Do you know what I mean? It's not just changing an apology. Do your, whatever you've done wrong, put the rights, go back to that person, apologize, make the situation right along. People don't want to, especially financially, people just want to try and ignore it. Oh, it'll go away. Yeah. Mate, I won't fucking go away. There's different, like what I've been through in my life, you think I'm going away? No, I'm resilient as fuck. I know I am. Like, I don't give a fuck who you are. Like there's one point we're going to cross paths and it's on.

2:26:06Yeah. It's the heart of war. I'll do it in front of anyone. I don't care who's there, bro. Like you're done. For anybody watching, it's an alifal struggle that's been through some darkness in their life. You don't even need to go through a lot of darkness, but for anybody really battling, what advice would you have for them? You're never truly going to heal from the things that have hurt you. You're not going to fully heal from it. You sometimes you need to accept it, embrace it, get the wisdom and knowledge from it and put that out to the universe. Start helping other people. If you've gone through your shit, how can you educate yourself to be a better person?

2:26:36Start being kinder to yourself and other people. Do you know what I mean? But also don't take shit. I always say to people, be kind, but don't be fucking nice. I'm a kind person. I'm generous, bro. Do you know what I mean? I'll give you my shirt off my back, but I'm not a nice person to be around sometimes because I have got that button and you need that button in life because people will take advantage from you. There's a lot of people in this world that can see you, like takers can always see givers all the time. Do you know what I mean? What's your social medias and stuff, brother? If anybody wants to reach out, get some help, how can people get a hold of you?

2:27:05So if you look on social media, any of my platforms on TikTok or Instagram or Facebook is the mindset soldier. I do mindset coaching, life coaching. I do motivational speaking all across the country. I try and help people. I'm trying to get into prisons and schools to try and help people what I've been through to educate them with the knowledge that I've got. So I'll try and... Because people don't relate to people. Like if you're wearing a suit and no tattoos and stuff like that, kids can't really relate to you. And that's what I want to be. So I want to start doing a lot more motivational speaking and stuff like that.

2:27:34What's your biggest life lesson so far? We're all fucked up. that's facts bro we're all fucked up do you know what I mean just try and be better each day bro we're all fucked brother would you like to finish up on anything else nah just absolute pleasure for allowing me on it's like great having a conversation give me the opportunity bro do you know what I mean if anyone needs help reach out to my social medias but yeah I'm very grateful to be here today bro I'm very grateful to hear your story listen thank you bro all the best bro keep up the good work and always hear if you need me god bless bro take care Sorry, man.