Exposing Britain's Honour Killings - Nina Aouilk Tells Her Story

48:30And suddenly I've got police asking me about my father. And I said, well, I actually had a problem with my father when I was 21. He tried to kill me. And I did go to the police. And she said, well, we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about a six-year-old who's his daughter. And suddenly I realized I had this six-year-old little sister that I knew nothing about. And he had taken her because she was half Polish. without the mum's knowledge and gone from here to Poland, from Poland to Romania to somewhere else and ended up in India and left her in India. This is what the police told me.

49:07And all I could think about is how scared she must have been because I know how scared I was at 21 because my father's a very violent man. And my heart was breaking because by this time I've got my daughter, my two sons. I'm a mother myself. And I was just in hysterical tears. And she said to me, look, we just need to know how he is, how he treated you. And I told her. And I said, why haven't you brought her back from wherever he's left her? And the police said, well, you know, we got there and we weren't allowed in the building. And it made no sense to me. I said, well, tell me where it was. But she said, we can't tell you.

49:42And I did find out, you know, not deliberately, but the way the universe is aligned, it brings people into your life. And I became aligned with two non-profits. There were human trafficking non-profits. They were helping people that had come out of human trafficking. I got on board to help them with their mindsets, because when you've been in a situation like I had been, you're brainwashed to a certain degree, like you said earlier, and you don't know how to do the simplest things like go to the shop. You know, I've only just learned to go to shopping centers because I was never allowed. I was kept in this bubble.

50:16So I really got them. So I started working with that non-profit and another non-profit in America who actually snatched children away from the traffickers, especially around Super Bowl times. And I asked them and I said, you know, my sister's been missing. Do you think it could be anything to do with human trafficking? Because when I googled where she could have been left, because I was getting bits of information from left, right and centre, I realised it was a religious place that he'd left. And now if you're a religious place or a religious school, you're protected by the politics of that country so if you were to go there you're not allowed in because you're from a different country and I realized very quickly the pieces started to come together and to cut a long story short I realized he'd sold her to traffickers where they harvest organs and if they were weaker children they would sell them to the UAE the Middle East as servants as kitchen servants and I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again that she wasn't here anymore but I kind of tried to be optimistic and I realised that she's one of many there are thousands of her that have been taken this way and sold for whatever reason and I couldn't not do anything about it so sorry she was the catalyst as to why I did my first talk which happened to just end up being a TED talk yeah sorry to hear that I know it must be difficult what to speak about and open up these wounds but if you're speaking out then help so many because this will reach a lot of people so it's a case of sometimes the cards that you've been dealt is because you're the one that can play them do you know what I mean, a lot of people wouldn't be sitting here and you've got every right to fucking try and end your life, it's not the answer but you've got every excuse, not just one but many, like it's a mad mad story where you think fucking hell that, and the same with religion like i said i've got many muslim brothers and sisters and they're the best people on the planet when i'm home when i'm in their house their mum they're cooking it's unbelievable same as the bible when i done my homeless documentary and i go i used to go to meetings gambling and stuff and a lot of people turn to christ and they're the best people ever who genuinely want to help people i genuinely believe as a human being we all look for guidance we want something to believe in and if you're believing in something and it's for the the right reasons like I say the Quran and the Bible have got so many positives from it but just a lot of dark shit in it as well where it doesn't really be spoke about enough if I'm honest, we can speak about the positives but there's a lot of, the brain's a powerful tool, you'll know this yourself, that it absorbs anything it sees or hears and if you're constantly getting fed that information then it's going to be normal the majority of rapes on this planet are from white men as well, I'm not saying religion's to blame but if you go down the church the amount of the billions they spend each year for the cover-ups of these paedophile priests and people it's just dark and like i say if you've got a religion or believe in something that seeks as well i love their beliefs and what they do for the people and but just for me it's to try and think for yourself if you're looking for guidance and if you choose a religion that's making you thrive in life and making you believe in something you've got higher power protecting you for me i believe there's a higher power out there i don't know what it is i don't believe in one thing I don't I don't know what's created I don't know why we're here we've all kind of got our purposes in life but the stuff that you go then through that how do you then deal with that all that how do you then deal with trust because obviously you've came here as well you're like how's your trust that how do you function going through all that shit how do you even talk to that man how do we even communicate what you seem on a level where you don't seem as fazed like if I seen you walking by the street I would never think you've been through the shit you've been through and that's the important reason i'll never judge a book but it's covered but how do you then deal with trust and talking to men it's really strange that isn't it because half of my clients most of my clients 90 of them are men um i feel i'm very maternal i know that i'm very i have this maternal energy that people always seem to feel better when they're around me and you know and i've been in situations where i mean my security is with me today where he's been with me and we've sat at a table and people i don't even know have just sat there and and they forgotten that everybody else around them is there and they've just told me their deepest darkest secrets and what's really hurting them their traumas and they've almost zoned everybody else out because I'm there so I understand I have that ability to do that and to give people that safe space my safe space is within me I guess I I didn't like me very much um and I was forced to move from Leicestershire to where I live now which was over I think two to three hundred miles because the police said to me you know we can't stop your ex-partner trying to kill you again my parents started looking for me so it was a case of me having to up and leave and at the time I remember thinking I don't really want to do this everything I've known is the country I'm a country girl I don't want to go to a city I don't want to go somewhere where there's no green because I'm very much about grounding.

55:28But I had to do it. And it was actually when I moved that I... Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor.

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56:57Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Because my son's went through a lot as well with their trauma with mental health. And one of them had tried to kill himself. He'd actually got himself a one-way ticket to America, tried to buy a gun hotel room was booked for one day left me a suicide note and his brother a USB stick with lots of their memories from films

57:35And I'd got him back, but I never got the right boy back, the same boy, because he'd changed. But we're not the same people we were yesterday. You know, we change, we progress. He taught me a lot, I have to admit. He taught me that I didn't listen when he tried to speak to me. He taught me that I never asked him, how are you? All I was thinking about was, right, we've gone from homeless to having enough money to rent a house. Now I've moved, I need to get a sofa I need to get a TV but I never once stopped to say what's going on with you and often we just want to be heard we want to be seen we want to be present with that person and there's so many voices that kept coming at all of us you know people from social services I guess the pharmaceutical people throwing you know try and take this drug take that drug through the doctors to the point where there was too much noise and I said to everybody stop we're going to move I'm going to take him off the drugs he's going to just have nothing but love around him with some foundations and some rules that where he can't go past don't throw the plates don't do this but I'm going to leave him alone because there's that much going on in his head he can't hear himself and I did the same for myself I stood in the garden one day when I was grounding and I decided to switch the noise off which is difficult because from a young girl I've been told I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm worth nothing.

59:01But I said to myself, who do you want to be again? You know, like talking to myself the way I do. And I said, Nina, who do you want to be? And I said, I want to be tall. So I told myself I was tall. I said, I am beautiful because I realised that I'd never hurt anyone. I'd never done anything wrong to anybody. In fact, I'd done the opposite. I'd gone way out of my way to make them feel good about themselves. So I was goodness inside. I was, this energy that I had inside was just pure. And my real name does mean pure, but it's just a boy's name, which is why I don't use it. And I thought, well, what else do you want to be?

59:37And I thought, well, don't overload yourself. Just take a few things. But I started progressively to tell myself who I wanted to be. And I unlearned 50 years, because this happened when I was 50, 50 years of being told a certain thing. And I relearned what I wanted to feel, how I wanted to be who I was and I started to discover things I went to play pool for the first time and I went against somebody thought he was really good um I did things like I went temping bowling hanked them that I'd never been to Starbucks and my friend who was radio one said I'll take you so you know um they called in um the little cups and I just wanted to see my name on there and I was so excited I was jumping around like a little girl he was like this is embarrassing but for me it was the smallest things that I was finding pleasure in and I still am because I was never allowed to do them.

1:00:23And I think as people, we forget to actually acknowledge the little things and we forget that we get to decide. Nobody gets to tell us who we are. No one gets to tell you who you are, James. You decide that. But the other thing is I'm not a social media person, never was. I obviously follow it now. But social media has been bombarding everybody of how to look like Kim Kardashian because that's the idealism of beauty or how to look like, you know, to be handsome, you have to have a certain physique or you have to have a certain height or a look. And I never thought anything of those things. And I realized that people were stuck.

1:01:00I'd never seen false eyelashes till I came to London on a train. And I remember saying to somebody, because I was working as a nanny, I said, I saw this girl, she had really long lashes. And I didn't know what to do, but I was staring and I knew I shouldn't be staring. But you know, it was quite alien to me, or I was the alien one or the other. but I realized that my beauty was inside and it was always there so I was actually lucky because whatever I did on the outside was a bonus if I wanted to lose weight I could because it was my choice and I just discovered that life on the other side of fear was beautiful it was free there was freedom there was love and it was just a magical place to be and now I want to literally grab everyone and say come here I've got this amazing secret you know someone said what would your ideal job be and it's it is really if i was a post lady with handing out letters to everyone saying this is how i see you but when you read it you actually read those words and you manifest them you make them a reality because you've said them out loud yeah and i think that's important for anybody that's struggling affirmations are a massive thing affirmations would help me change my life i'd look 30 40 and i used to go for them every single morning i still go for them i change them every New Year's Eve because it's so important, you can trick your brain, your brain doesn't know what's real or what's fake, so if you're getting told you're shit, you're not good enough, you're a waster, if you're getting told all that shit, you're going to believe it and that's the sad reality and some people don't find strength or don't ever get to that 50 years old standing in a garden, I never, I had it at 30 where I woke up, something just, they call it a spiritual awakening but again I always go back to the power of now, it can't tell, fucking books saved my life I listened to the other books a boring bastard but I kept falling asleep and it just it made me understand that everything that I was thinking about the past the past brings fear anxiety depression and guilt I was stuck there I was stuck in a loop so how did you break the loop because what happens is you do something new consistently neurons in the brain which fire together wire together then create a new part and then create your subconscious mind to then be thinking differently I know all these things do I still practice them every day of course I don't because I'm too caught up moan hype sometimes more podcasts more attention, like just stroke my ego because I don't feel good enough today, I'll post a photo and people say oh you're doing amazing I feel good but it's fake it's not really love, I feel more alive when I'm doing cold water, I'm in the mountains listen I love my kids, I've got a dog, my dogs I'm going home, I'll probably drive home tonight or tomorrow morning, I'm going home for my dog, my kids, I love my kids but my dog is, they love I feel pure love with my dog, it's just, there's no answering back, it's just, he's got my back listen as much as I love my family the fucking best as well hard work family and relationships and all that and that's all I've ever wanted was a tight knit family and when there's arguments or disagreements it's about communication because there's no such thing as perfection we can strive for it, it doesn't exist because people need to realise beauty, fame, money there's never enough I think often people get stuck in the trap of wanting more, more, more I'm stuck in that sometimes and they don't see what you have now So if you become that person like myself right now, what I've got, I'm happy with.

1:04:11I strive for more because I want to help more people, but I don't forget to be grateful. It's a huge thing. You know, I shouldn't be alive. I definitely shouldn't be alive. And I know that. But I remember speaking to somebody that you might know called Leon McKenzie. And he said to me once, I think you trained yourself like this as a young girl. You must have trained yourself to let go because you have this ability just to let go. and I've done that from a young age where I have not held on to things. I don't hate my parents. You know, people don't understand that. I don't hate anybody in my life.

1:04:41I actually love them more because they need that love. I forgave, but I don't forget. You don't forget these things. They hurt you because you've been through them. So how can you forget? But I would, I will consistently encourage people to let go of things because they're heavy and you get to carry this weight around and you don't need it you can be light and full of love like me if you just let it go and it doesn't serve you the lesson serves you if you take the lesson forward i've taken so many lessons forward and i look at my life and i think i've got 53 years of lessons maybe not the greatest lessons that other people would definitely not maybe make it through but how could i help the people i'm helping now how did you learn how to forgive i forgave as a child i was very forgiving because I didn't think I deserved anything better.

1:05:32So maybe in that space of low self-esteem, I forgave. And I used to zone out a lot. I was away with the clouds a lot of the time. I would read books and take myself to magical places. And I think that was a form of meditation in a way that I was able to do that. You're creative, yeah. Yeah, but I've never hated anybody. Even after I left my ex-partner, I wouldn't say anything bad about him until recently. And people know that around me because I just didn't think it was very gracious to say something because it wasn't going to achieve anything I knew what he'd done my children knew what he'd done but why did I need to talk about it only until I realized the importance of speaking about domestic violence and some of the things he's done that created this almost warped sense of reality that I had because I was so scared all the time that I need to say that because there'll be another woman or a man out there that's also suffering from that and I've just helped a guy that lived in Canary Wharf in London who moved thousands of miles away because he was in a very dangerous relationship but he didn't see it until somebody from the outside like myself said that's not normal because when you're in it you don't see it you know you've been in relationships I'm sure James where people from the outside have said that's not a good relationship but you still carry on doing it maybe you feel like you owe it to that person or it's okay for now or things might change you know you can almost make excuses for bad behavior but i understand the importance of standing in your truth it's the superpower to actually be standing and saying what's happened to you without feeling um bad for it because we're taught to almost feel bad that we've been through certain things but everything that's happened has brought me to where i am now so i would never change it and i can reach out to a young girl that's been attacked or raped or abused and I can empathize on a different level I can actually hear her the unspoken words I can hear when she does a certain gesture I'll recognize that movement because I was there once you know that girl that has maybe survived a non-killing I would recognize that too and I would I would understand somebody who's given birth to a son that's passed away because mine did you know i i struggle with that still because it's not an easy thing to deal with but i wouldn't understand it had i not been there so i see my education as my life i didn't go to university but i i have this amazing ability to be able to help people from what i've learned how do you so for honor kirlins let's touch on that how bad is it for people to get an understanding of actually what goes on with it all how bad is it in the uk first of all well i'm everything happened to me in the uk you know when i did go home that day they'd broken my arm my jaw and when i fell down they stamped on me um damaged my hip but there wasn't literally one piece of skin that wasn't ripped or covered completely in blood from the attack and it was a really vicious attack you know they wanted to kill me and i remember my father having his foot on my throat really pressing down and I swear I left my body at that point because I felt nothing and I remember speaking to myself and saying that's it now and I was kind of happy if I'm being honest it was kind of like a nice warm good feeling but I remember someone saying not not yet and when I did go back I felt nothing at all and that happened in the UK in Leicester and people say well that happened in the 90s but not long ago about seven eight years ago my father you know was in prison because he had abducted my sister so the mindset doesn't change because they get away with it and they think they're above the law or the law actually doesn't do what they should be doing for these people like you said there should be a harsher harsher sentence i think too for all of these kind of abusive behaviors for them to stop otherwise they continue because they think they can get away with it what about all around the world how extreme is that what's the how many honour killings has there per year did I say well North Africa has the highest number of honour killings statistically obviously I don't believe in statistics because I was never one and then we have Pakistan India and the Middle East but they are very common and they could be like I said over the silliest things what is known as silly to us I often have been kicked off Twitter LinkedIn or social media because I put things on that people don't want to see you know why had one guy sent me a message saying do you have to put such disturbing posts on and I just ignored it because I had put a gentleman take that back I put on a guy holding his wife's severed head and it was a picture taken because now social media plays part of look look what he's done he's upheld the honor and he was parading this around the village with blood dripping from you know the bottom part of her head because he'd killed her because he felt she had looked at a man and just to look you know I remember my ex-partner saying to me sometimes you look you looked at that guy and I'd be thinking I didn't know there was a guy there you know I'm driving it was like you almost had to drive with blinkers on um so people take things to the extreme and they are continuing to do it because they teach the younger generation that's the only way forward and until we educate the younger generation to be more compassionate that's why where I believe there will be a change to understand how to treat one another to be more compassionate with themselves too.

1:11:01What do you think that is in men though, the paranoia? Listen, I used to do it when I was drinking and your soul's just dark and your presence is dark. I was always a loud, happy guy, people pleasing, but they'd never seen me when I was myself and lonely and depressed. And then as soon as somebody's seen me when I was a big fake smile and I was always the loudest man and the old saying is the loudest is the weakest and I was weak. But what do you think that is in men? It's not just Indian culture or Pakistan. It's the majority of men. is that because they don't feel secure in themselves there's a possessive kind of controlling nature they call me toxic masculinity there's so many things you can talk about but I see it in a lot of men I've seen it in myself, jealousy and just scared of my fault, my issue was I was too scared that I wasn't good enough that's it, that's the word they would think they would go with somebody else so the paranoia kicks in, the jealousy the possessiveness, but what do you think that is?

1:11:55is that what you think it is? that's it, you hit the nail on the head, good enough most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough and that's like a what though as a kid love or what that's like a self-belief and self-love and people think self-love's wishy-washy but it really isn't it it's an empowering thing to love yourself so much that you don't care what anybody thinks of you i don't care what you think of me in that respect if you think i'm too fat or maybe too indian you know i've been called too indian before as well which makes me laugh i don't i've even i've even in the opposite been called too too english you know because of the way I speak apparently but I don't care I actually don't care so I'm I'm happy being me completely 100 % are there things I want to change about myself yeah a little bit but I can do something and I am doing something you know so I don't use the terminology I'm um I'm I use the word yet so I add on the word yet to everything so I'm not the size I want to be yet but I don't say that I'm fat because I'm not I'm great I love myself and if you don't love me for who I am that's on you not me because that's something inside you it's your perception of what beauty or love should be and I think as a world we have forgotten how to love but going back to men most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough they just don't feel good enough and they have everybody around them coaching them they have everybody around them telling them what to eat telling them they can do this but when they get in that cage it's just them it's you against you so to speak so it's overcoming that understanding that believing in yourself that you are good enough that you are everything that everyone's told you because they're mirrors of you and they do put on a show we have faces i've written this in my book that i forgot to bring we have faces for the bank manager we have faces for different places and we do that because that's what we've been taught we've been taught that but the world is it's so fast paced there's so much technology from social media, radio, television, you go back to schooling, the girl I was talking about earlier, listen, everything's wrong, even from the day of birth, as soon as a woman gives birth, she's lying on her back, which is wrong, we're born into artificial light, which is wrong, we cut the umbilical cord again, which is wrong, it's full of stem cells, full of nutrients, we're given a name, we're given a date of birth, we're given a religion, we're given so much from birth, as soon as we into this earth it's all fucking backwards we're giving girls are taking injections for the pain but again it's not natural for a kid to come out drugged up we're getting vaccines we're giving so much from birth is wrong and you wonder why we're fucked up at 40s and 50s and 60s and teenagers because there's so much confusion we're getting taught sex education at school primary schools are teaching out we've got fucking drag queens reading story times leave the fucking kids alone man you wouldn't get kids going to strip joints it's 18 plus for a reason that for me it's it's nourishing it's it's love but it's hard because everything's competition i want to be the biggest podcast in the world it's always in competition i always want to be i've got a theory i've got a theory that we're all dead i've said this a few times people just look at me gone out but it's fine it's what i think it's how i believe i feel we're all dead and we're sent back here to this game and this is the game of life and there's clues all along the way game of life um and if you stick to the rules which are the religious texts the good be good person you get to play snakes and ladders but they're going to throw things in they throw in filters people can't take a normal photo without a filter now because they don't like the way they look people's lowering everyone's self-esteem and their vibrational energy to a point where they don't know who they are and they become those little people that copy copy copy people will not say it's wrong to take drag queens into schools because they don't want the other parents or other people to look at them in a way that, you know, they might not look at them in a way that they feel good about themselves.

1:15:44So they might feel picked on, like we've said before, you become a victim of other people's opinions. You become that target. But I reckon whoever these people are that are playing a game with us, they've put a few people in the mix, like yourself, like me maybe, that have the ability to recognise the wrong and rights to tell the others. and if you were standing at the front of a large amount of people are standing at the back they would be covered with light but if you step away they would see the dark but they don't see it unless one of us steps away they think there's always light there but you and I have worked really hard we've battled with our demons we've danced with them to get to where we're going to get to nearly up those ladders they're still sliding down the snakes and they don't know any different because they believe you should look like him, you should have hair extension, you should put all this makeup on.

1:16:34And they don't know that they don't need it because it's just a bodysuit that's taking us through this game of life. What real life is, is when we're set free from this body and our spirits can literally go from this place to another without even anything blocking it. That's true freedom. And everyone says, well, we are spiritual creatures. Yes, we are. and people say, do you believe in God? I'm God. And the reason I say that is because if God has created everything and people hate it when I say this, he created this table, this microphone, this jacket, this hair. So I'm an extension of him. So I am God.

1:17:10You are God. But people won't get it because they only hear one part of the story. They won't understand where I'm coming from. But I believe if we all understood and we all kind of woke up and questioned things, which is what we're taught not to do with the subliminal messages continuously coming, coming, coming like the colors of Ukraine like the colors of you know take your COVID jabs and the rest of it they're continuously in our faces but we know it but if we have to address it and we have to face up to it then we have to also understand things are not as we see them and that's an uncomfortable place to be knowing about the darkness of human trafficking is uncomfortable for people they don't want to know that so they'd rather pretend it doesn't happen it happened to my sister so i have to admit to it i have to do something because i'm not going to be part of a problem i want to be part of that solution yeah it's mad and i don't know what shit we go through in life i took drugs i sold drugs i've done a lot of bad but and then i look at the life now and i used to think that life was cool i thought it was cool to be sitting in parties for three four days fucking high on cocaine and alcohol and being loud and shouting and i thought that was cool and that was normal for me and now I look back and I don't feel sick I think, I just think how fucking deluded was I?

1:18:25How fucked up in my mind that I thought that was normal to sit in a house party talking shite, talking about saving the world while high on drugs and alcohol while I was a father, while I had kids do you know what I mean? I used to get my kids get a photo put it on Facebook and people go hey good dad, I'd never seen them for four days because I was out partying But if you were talking about saving the world even in your subconscious a state you knew there was more to it million percent i used to sit at parties and i think look at the fucking state of them i was one of them but always knew i had a higher power always knew i had higher greatness to be something special i had it from a very young age even playing football and everything that i'd done i always had a gift of something i was always just the best that without even trying had such gifts but i never worked on my gift i never worked on the talent now i've found a passion what i'm good at how i can create stories how i can create patterns and how we can pull a story together from a conversation with no notes and people go wow i was gripped to that because why it's a roller coaster of emotion is to show people that they ain't fucking alone and that's the thing about life why do you think we're here nina oh i know why i'm here i i completely know why i mean i i'm love i am i'm here to show the world that love is the highest form of emotion that you can have it's the it's wealth it's actually almost like that winning lottery ticket that you can have.

1:19:42But people, as I said before, the world have forgotten how to love. We cross over the road if someone coughs near us. We just don't extend that love. You know, when I came and you gave me a hug, people don't do that anymore. They don't know how, they think it's weird if a woman and a man actually just show one another emotion. We've kind of switched off to a point we cannot show emotion. We feel it's a weakness. And I've said a thousand times in my weakest times is when I actually found my strengths and for me to be able to give that much love to people is it's just the start for me I know that too you know with the amount of messages I get I could play them to you all day long but I have people saying to me you know when we saw your story we understood that I wasn't alone thank you for doing that thank you for speaking out against the culture thank you men saying to me thank you for being as honest as you are because it made me realize that I was doing that I was the perpetrator and I say to them well you're not a perpetrator actually a criminal because if you would steal your wife's car you'd be a criminal if you do that to your wife you are a criminal look at it in a different way so with my message of hope and love i know that i'm going to be a catalyst with other people like i was saying and when we all come together i know the world will be a lot better place so how can things get put in place for changes because you know yourself the voices can be so soft sometimes it's not enough to then create change it's mad because the people who think they run this world are in control of it there's very few of them the power of the people is standing up and that's what happens you see things in Paris Italy and people roaming the streets and sticking together and uniting creating change because how are they going to create change same as wars listen wars are murder it's all people dying murder for what for greed for power and yet we're fucking brainwashed enough to go to wars at 16 and 18 listen my great grandparents fought in wars nothing but love and respect for them but again it's it's the conditioning of thinking it's normal who are you fighting for who are you fucking fighting for for what everybody dying young kids dying for what for people's greed for people's power the destruction from viruses and you can go so deep into life but what do you think has created us what do you think is the creator I know there's gods and there's religions and all that but how can the heart function the central nervous system the spine our hair grows our nails how can we see smell touch feel taste that's not in my opinion something's created us whether we're avatars where the aliens are like you say we're in a game snakes and ladders are we coming back reincarnation learn your lessons before you go to a better place because sometimes it feels amazing here I'll get little bursts of 10-20 seconds they'll not last long I feel fucking amazing and then the mind will go listen you dick kid you ain't gonna be feeling amazing today and it'll throw in a negative and that negative will ruin my day because it plays in my mind longer than the positive the less you care about what other people think the quicker you're gonna get to the top of that board game as a man no it's difficult I feel as if obviously what you've went through is there's no words to put in actually what you've went through but as a man as a man actually when I was going home from London three weeks ago I got a train home and the boy said James English I said yes brother gave him a cuddle the boy started fucking crying I sat with him for an hour and a half I missed my train got the next one he started crying like you say a hug powerful if you hug somebody for five seconds you'll feel the energy how are they and their guard drops instantly end up speaking to the boy the boy's still in contact now and yeah he's doing good but men are struggling we don't know who to turn to we don't know how to speak and we do speak out nobody's listening and like I said earlier before the podcast everybody's a lot of people more people are speaking out now but sometimes I feel as if people use it as because it's popular oh yeah and that's the sad thing because if suicide's at an all time high something's not right so people can speak out as much as they want but are we listening enough is there enough things in place for men to really open up and understand that you are good enough you can make changes but the girl I had on the podcast before you I said a lot of these people struggle with mental health but a lot of them are drinking, taking drugs overeating, not exercising it's going to fuck with your mental health even doing one of them smoking, whatever, pharmaceutical drugs even tells you in the box in the pharmaceutical boxes you still be suicidal for me, over the years I've learnt cold water therapy raises the dopamine levels battles with anxiety lowers depression try to eat a bit better which like I said earlier I struggle with going over affirmations going over goals and the key element for me as well is having purpose I've got a bit of purpose I've got a bit of get up and drive because motivation doesn't exist I can listen to podcasts and motivational videos on YouTube and I feel great for 10 minutes but like I say that little negative thought will kick in and I can be lazy but what do you think it is for men just now is why the fuck have you been struggling I mean I've been giving free talks around London for three years why free because it means a lot to me it's mental health I speak about in young men.

1:24:32Both of my sons have, my youngest son's just come off the National Register for Suicide, High Risk Suicide Register. And my other son was self-harming and I didn't even know about it. What was their triggers? Their father, because they had watched me being treated really badly for 23 years. My pillow was set alight when I was asleep. My youngest son became homeless with me because of an attempted murder. And this is another husband or the same one? No, because what happened is after the honour killing, I ended up going back to my friends that I'd met at the office, so to speak. And he split up with his girlfriend and I ended up renting a room from him.

1:25:12He ended up raping me, got me drunk. I never drank before in my life and I ended up having a daughter. But in my culture, mentally, I was programmed, you stay with whoever you've had a child with. So I stayed with him for 23 years and I ended up having four children. one of them died because of his um the way he treated me but the other three are here amazing children were you pregnant i was pregnant i was um eight months pregnant just coming up to full term and he pushed me down the stairs um and when i got to the hospital um he'd left me and when I did get to the hospital Tyler died at birth as my little boy but I know that he's around me I know that all the time that he's around me but it's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with and I've had to deal with a lot but that's just something that I won't wish upon anyone and who was that guy what was his culture he was Nigerian it wasn't a love marriage it wasn't we weren't in love we never dated we didn't really I didn't understand about relationships and this is the problem if you come from a culture like mine you don't understand that someone's supposed to whine and dine you and look after you and take care of you and ask you how you are and cook for you even sometimes you think you're this you're subservient to them so you're literally doing everything that for them but I was an entrepreneur I had created a lot of wealth and with that sometimes there's that greed isn't there that comes along and he was very greedy um he wanted more and more and more so the more he wanted I would do more within terms of business but cut a long story short he tried to kill us and my children struggled because they didn't understand why their father A would want to try and kill their own his own and just the way he was it was a very controlling scenario we weren't allowed to have friends our car was tracked the children couldn't have play dates they played professional football they were in academy for West Brom my eldest had trials for Barcelona they both got into Barcelona they weren't allowed to go there was a lot going on you know but it was a case of not being allowed to do it but the boys just didn't understand and they couldn't deal with it but as I said from my experience when I decided my youngest wouldn't be on the drugs when he wouldn't be harassed by people asking him questions that weren't really leading anywhere I left him alone and I think when you shut off the world to a certain point and it's the negative voices that's what you need to do if someone out there is struggling especially a male they have to get rid of those negative voices that are still around them to get rid of them and we can be toxic even I can be toxic and I know it sometimes we all have that within us but to get rid of that person that's continuously toxic in their life is a fresh breath air it's a case of you know freeing your mind and then you have to work on the past you don't have control of that you know that yourself you're not there anymore you're here you're right here with me but you're still sometimes going back there and forth and you're playing this game almost in yourself of back and forth it's like a to and fro thing but you get to decide you get to decide james gets to decide today i'm going to stay here i'm not that person but that person taught me so much i've got that wealth of knowledge now and you know finding a purpose like you said is a huge thing i gave my youngest son a purpose i said look i'm going to go into property i want you to help me this is what what I want you to do.

1:28:40He was on it. He was reading everything. He'd gone from playing games, which I don't like, because they're mind numbing, to actually reading. And reading is huge. It takes you away. It's an escape in a way. And like you said, you know, the cold water therapy, everyone's different. So what might be good for me might not be good for you. I do believe in psychedelics to a certain degree. I haven't taken them myself. But my elder son, the middle child, he has taken some and it helps him. And I think they tell you they're bad for you because actually they know they're good for you in certain controlled environments.

1:29:13I think that's the key. I had an ayahuasca four years ago, but I'm a control freak. I fought against it. They kept telling me to surrender. I'm thinking, I ain't fucking surrendering. I'm fighting this fucker. That's what all I've done since the day I was born was fight, angry. I was a good kid, man. Just guided wrong. My mum and dad loved me, man. They're great people. The more I've got older, the more I realise how much they've actually done from that rough area where I'm from there's a place called Porcel and it's one of the most deprived areas in the UK there's so many great people there they're all fucking lunatics prison, violence but it was normal then it was a way of life and obviously when you get older and you start having to digest everything and understanding that alright I've got a wee bit fucked up past but I can be okay and I went to Costa Rica and that's plant medicine I bought into it because we're all wanting I feel as if it can be very culty as well so people need to be aware it can be very culty, a lot of people use this spiritual energy as if they're gods and there's more abuse and more shit happens there so I don't want to be a faker because I've been offered to sell fucking bitcoin and promote this CBD and this and that, for me everything's internal because you can get to a higher state without ayahuasca without fucking MDMA, without alcohol cigarettes, the only thing it takes you to a higher state than that there's meditation meditation is the key for all the fucking pain if you sit in your own mind five minutes before bed five minutes when you get up the most crucial points of your life is the first hour and the last hour it's your most creative that's the first thing i do with my clients yeah i teach them this real um easy kind of guided meditation sometimes i record it for them as well and it's that escape you get to decide where you want to go today so where do you want to go i'm going to give you three doors so you choose what's on the other side of the door and it's almost like taking them into a place that they deserve and they have to learn to believe they deserve it I deserve the life that I'm building I deserve it and more and that's not arrogance there's a difference between arrogance I could sit in designer clothes and think very little of myself so I choose to decide what I want to wear for me not for you to judge me and when you get to that point it really does free you and for men I think it's harder because you're seen as the alpha you're seen as the person that's supposed to have it all under control and and it's easy to get lost it's easy to get lost and and keep faking it to the people that you're looking after that you're you know you want to sort of be that role model for but when you do switch and you find it that complete self-love it's a very calming place to be it's exceptionally calming it's just giving in and you said control you want to be in control because you're scared of what's on the other side of not being in control but if you were to allow yourself if you allowed yourself just to be you would find such peace the thing is because everything I've done has got me this far and it's an element of being vulnerable and it's scary because I know how ruthless it is outside these doors and I don't want to be show vulnerability vulnerability is key, my kids will see me vulnerable my dog will see me vulnerable the people who love me will see me vulnerable but you'll never see me crying in front of you but you'll see me cry alone if there's fucking cameras in my room or whatever but never see me because it's I've just got to get on with it, everything I've created I've created through vision, hard work belief, nobody fucking funded me, nobody backed me they all laughed at me at the start, nobody knew what a podcast was in Scotland five years ago I just had such a drive of I need to focus onto something because when you're gambling and taking drugs and womanising and everything I was doing externally to fill an emptiness in me I needed to fill a void because I was lost, I'm still lost, I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

1:32:55I just know what I'm doing now is working. I know I've got plans and visions and I'll come up with goals and I'll write down my affirmations, I'll write down my goals and every New Year's Eve I'll go over my goals from the year before and the majority of them, 60-70 % of them are hit. But it's unbelievable with writing stuff down and goals down how actually it becomes clearing. It's 50 % or 60 % more clear than the mind. But like I say, I still don't know what the fuck is going on and that's the beautiful thing about life. I just know what I'm doing is the right reasons. But you keep using the word I did this, I've done this, me.

1:33:26It's never been about you. Who's that about? It's just about us. We are all one. You know, you're an extension of me. I'm an extension of you. I'm here because of you. You're here because you've invited me, but we're here because of one another. And when you stop seeing the outer is not part of you, it just brings it all together. It brings everything together that you understand that this whole thing is for you primarily, but you don't have to fight it because it's there for you already. you just need to take it, you need to accept it it was the word surrender I didn't like as well surrender to me feels like defeat you know what I mean?

1:34:02Words are so powerful but you know that already the words are the most powerful thing that we can discuss and talk about because we speak things into existence you think the world doesn't know if you're joking and I've got quite dark humour I was making jokes but I realised I was making jokes and I would say oh I just want to have a laugh but I was doing it to deflect I was in pain it's difficult because I still swear I still wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm still passionate about certain things, I get it wrong sometimes, I still get angry, I still get pissed off somebody cuts me off the road I think and I cringe, why am I getting angry they've just stolen my power, Mike Tyson says and somebody was talking to him and he says I had somebody on his podcast and the kid was saying if people are doing me wrong I'd just cut them off, Mike Tyson says why, he says because I just I don't want negative people in my life he says but then they own you and he says why because they've changed you yeah because you've allowed them that and that was powerful how did you end up getting away from the other messages then?

1:35:01I'm laughing because it's fucking yeah there's a lot more to my story, you've not covered it really but well I was taken away by social services and then given a place to live which was really disgusting because it had human faeces smeared everywhere but that was my safe house apparently but I wasn't allowed to stay there because on paper I was a millionaire which I was because I had a lot of property I had several businesses running but I had not a penny to my name and I'd left with nothing just a coat um and the system let me down the system let me down I'd paid into the system so much so that I was let down so I had nothing so I became homeless with my youngest son and then a lady as I said offered me a place to stay and I moved away I had to move away and when I did I rediscovered me and when I discovered me I everything just seemed to fall into place you know I understood there's no difference between you and I and I'm in the right places all the time because that's how my life is I stood I think in Canary Wharf it was and a whole load of people came around the corner they were UFC fighters I don't know who they were I was trying to get out of a fire engine because I'd climbed in because you know I'd had a few drinks and I'm playing this um youthful person that I well had didn't have a chance to be and I just wanted to be in the fire engine and the person that took me out was one of the heavyweight champions of the world.

1:36:21And he took me out, put me down and we started talking. And I spent from 7 p.m. that night until 11 a.m. with about 15 of these fighters just talking. And I was listening more than I was talking. But the little I would say was of value. I don't believe in just talking for the sake of it. A lot of people do that because they're deflecting, as you said earlier, from how they're feeling. But if I'm listening to what you're really asking me and sharing what I feel because a lot of coaches because there's a lot of life coaches out there there's millions they don't tell you really what to do they almost play a game with you and I find it frustrating when people come to me they come to me in a lot of mental pain and these are big guys but they're in so much mental pain if I was to just ignore that and not give them any love then I'm not me so I will give them options this is what you can do or this is what you do this is what would you like how what's going to help you out of these things I've suggested and that's what I was doing all night and then one of them kept talking to me was in France at the time and he said to me I'm going to America soon I've been signed up as well blah blah and then it got to a point where he was winning a lot of his fights within seconds of actually getting into the cage and then he ended up employing me because I said I can't keep doing this for free I've got I've got to find a job or something he said I know I will pay you and you pay me a huge amount and I I thought this is what I'm worth because he's my mirror.

1:37:45He sees my value, even if I didn't. Because we find it hard to ask for money sometimes, which is difficult for people. But you have to learn that if you don't ask, you don't get. Value of us. And also, yeah, it's keeping that process of give and take going. You give me something and you take something. It's an energy currency. It is. And if we block it, block it, block it, that's when we cannot get further with what we're trying to achieve. And some of my clients love, but I brought this thing out. It's not selling. okay well let's talk about it let's see why it's not selling what if you figured out with men that like I say UFC fighters I know a lot of boxers are just broken inside the constant trying to compete like combat sports is ruthless it's not barbaric in a way yes possibly but as men as well competition is good I believe it's healthy but we're just living in a society but then again I watched a video and the man who says feed them bread than what and they don't ask real questions because we'll sit in sports events and people football is all people have in their life as well and that's kind of sad because there's a lot more to it but people can just be so focused on something that doesn't really benefit their life even for that small sake that might for the goal scorer but they're constantly looking for new signings, new players and injuries and results and it's constant, they've not got enough time to then concentrate on themselves I understand everything as a sport, it is a game I watch it, I played football for years I love it but it doesn't fulfill me like I'll just listen okay I'll maybe look at the result and then that's that I'm done but you can be brainwashed by sports as well why do actors get paid the most sports stars as well because they can they're making people wouldn't say busy but they're it's not dumbing them down but it's keeping them occupied from what's really going on in the world because there's a lot more shit that we should be looking into you look at golfers and NBA stars are getting paid Ronaldo I think 405 million a year should one person be getting that i get you've got the value you're worth it but look at the the homeless situation the abuse the suicide like we could be doing a lot more as individuals no doubt these people do so much for charity and i'm not just trying to pick one person out but i feel as if there should be a lot more things that we could be discussing and focusing on but again that's just the way the world works but if you've seen in men where you found a connection that really makes them see the world differently i go back to the beginning with them i always do because with my own experience i come from a place of learned behavior myself so often you forget what you had to do to become that footballer you know you forget that journey and a lot of people only see your end result oh james is doing amazingly now look at him he's doing great nina nina's been scott how does she get to be that public speaker that she is she's done great but they haven't seen the journey and often with sports people I respect them so much I always have done it's the journey that actually makes you as a person but you forget that so you're cutting weight you're you know you're training seven times a week you're making sure you've got the right diet you're getting enough sleep you're hitting the gym enough times and then you have the fight and you win and then what they can't even celebrate their win because suddenly is an emptiness that win lasts them that celebration lasts them maybe 10 minutes then they sit back in their changing room and they don't really know what to do because they've been hype hype hype hype but they forget about their own journey and it's acknowledging your journey acknowledging what you have gone through to get to that place and having that gratitude that we talked about that gratitude keeps you um sane to a certain degree keeps you balanced there's a balance because otherwise it's very there's no balance you've got to bring it back down and say to you right that's great I'm going to give myself self-care because I deserve it I've just been really battling with my own weight even because cutting weight cuts when they have to cut weight it's really difficult for them I've been with people where they've cut weight they're really weak they go to get weighed up and then they're still not feeling right and I don't think it's very healthy either but it's just for them to acknowledge that they have been through that process to sort of say to themselves all right i'm really going to sit down and acknowledge it on that day i felt really bad but now i've won and to celebrate themselves because they don't celebrate themselves they're then told if you don't do this you're going to lose it yeah you've got to stay on it so you're going to stay on it yeah that's the that's the thing about combat sports and that's why you see boxers coming back at 50 because there's something missing but it's not really it's just that reward system the dopamine levels have just skyrocketed when you're walking in to a fight after that i remember i had a boxing fight nearly two years ago in manchester front of thousands of people first fight i always like to test myself and uh i didn't enjoy it until obviously after winning but then again it was a couple of minutes and then back to the hotel room myself i don't drink so everybody was out partying and i kind of not emotional but just thinking that's it done what's next yeah and i ain't a fighter that's a common thing yeah i can handle myself but i'm not a combat where i'm giving my whole life to it but i just thought fucking hell what an overload what does a dump go do you know to move forward from any trauma you have to really acknowledge it as in you have to say out loud you have to go back to that deep darkness because we have a habit of pushing things aside um or we shrink them and pretend they're not as bad as they are and i did that a lot with the rape i didn't admit it until not that long ago two years ago i think it was i admitted it to my best friend and i pretended it didn't happen because it was easier to deal with but to overcome the trauma especially for men whatever's bothering them they really have to acknowledge it whether they messed up in a relationship whether they're not at the place they want to be they have to actually say to themselves out loud okay i acknowledge that i messed up and how it feels they have to acknowledge and actually listen to themselves of how they're feeling not they don't have to have a conversation with anyone they don't need to lie about it or fake it and make it better than it is they just need to be truthful with themselves when you do that then you can move forward slowly it's a slow process but that's the only way you can move forward yeah that's the thing about trauma or pain like i says ella that either become make it either makes you a villain or a hero and the same thing when there's clouds coming like everybody's got different levels of trauma and pain but you look at the cows and the bulls the first thing when a storm comes the cows what do they do they run away they run away and hide but what does a bull do the bull runs towards the storm because I know if they run towards the storm it won't last as long same as your trauma and pain unless you face it you ain't gonna fucking heal it you've got to face it to heal it's painful and it's so painful like you say it's easier to suppress it but 40 years later 50 years later it's always gonna come ahead but that's why I think so many men are feeling the way they are and also it's the lack of support I don't think men are supported as much as they need people think they can do it without the support you know I'm thinking back to some of my clients and they've lost parents or they've lost a partner and they feel you know or they are surrounded by fake people they lack that support and that's the trust that you came to before you know I trust my judgment now when I don't feel right in a place I'll leave I don't need to explain often I'll go places and I'll just stand on my own I'm happy in my own company and someone the other day said to me I went to an event and they said to me oh hi and they were quite aggressive and they were people from my culture it was a male and I said can you just leave my space please I don't feel bad about saying it I don't feel I had an attitude he probably did and he moved away he didn't understand me and he said something to somebody else and they were like that's Nina though you can't say that to Nina it's Nina you know and I was quite happy doing my own thing yeah you've got to protect your own space same as I got offered to go to events and stuff I just don't go people say oh he's changed this and that you're fucking right I have changed I value me I value energy but more men need to do that yeah and I just I don't get time for I don't mind being around people if they're having a couple of drinks I don't mind it but it's once they get past that two drinks they become more in your face they become more personal and ask daft shit that they wouldn't ask when they're sober but yet I'll walk anywhere in my head till I'm like any fucking way I'll go into rooms like here today I'm here myself I'll go into houses in Belfast I'll go and do podcasts in Liverpool, Manchester some criminals and I'll sit in my cell some of the rooms are five people ten people but my presence and my energy I always feel spiritually connected anyway nobody's ever going to sit and I'll try anything because I'm not there to harm anybody, but I'm always going confident.

1:46:16And it's sad because the people who drink alcohol, they always think they've got that extra, but as if they're the big show. But you speak to that person the next day or alone or when they're sober and you'll see a totally different person. You'll see a vulnerable person kind of scared. And listen, what about with the alcohol thing? When did you start drinking? Oh, well, my first experience of drink was when my ex-partner got me drunk. And then I ended up having my daughter because he raped me. I'm not really a big drinker. I did go through a bout of drinking, admittedly, but it was to forget things.

1:46:49It's a good escape, man. It's a good escape. I did. I remember it when things were really tough and I just moved into my home. I actually started to realise what had happened in my life. It was like a realisation. A lot has happened. You know, a lot of trauma had happened. And sometimes I would drink just to not feel, like you said earlier, because it's a calming place. But I've always been a meditator. I've always meditated. and I don't drink as much, maybe I do on occasions, but meditation for me is crucial. Every night I unpack, which a lot of people don't do. They just lie down and they try to fall asleep.

1:47:21But every night I have this system where I physically see myself coming downstairs with a bin bag full of the things that I didn't particularly like that day. And I tie the bin up and I pick the bin lid up and I throw it in the dustbin outside. And then I go back upstairs and I physically see myself doing this. And then I'm in my bed and then I'm calm. And then I think of the nice things, the sunshine, the green bird that I saw flying by. What was it? You know, I speak to myself, always had this thing. And I think that actually is a really good way of clearing everything from the day and starting a new, a fresh day.

1:47:54And most days, I would say it's five out of seven days, I jump out of bed and I say, yes, I do. I'm really happy. I get up and I'm excited. And it doesn't have to be that I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone. Obviously, I'm a real person. So I get emotional when some things have affected me too, like family. my children you know they tend to affect me a lot they're fucking hard it's not easy being a parent doesn't matter how much you work on yourself or how in tune you are no my daughter riles me up the most because she's the only girl who ever have me wrapped around her finger I know I see it and that's okay man but I try and be strict I'm a strict I'm going to be honest I'm a strict father because I'm so protective I always have been with everybody I'm a protective I keep saying I'm going to write a book called how I fucked my kids life up because I think I will because I did you know no one teaches you how to be a parent and even when you try your best there's something that's just not good enough so I don't beat myself up anymore with them I know I'm doing my best but they can affect me emotionally they're the only ones that can do that otherwise nobody else can really affect my mood or how I feel I'm normally on a 10 out of 1 to 10 I'm normally there but that's because I choose to be When are you at your happiest?

1:49:10I suppose when I'm with my kids When are you at your loneliest? I'm never lonely When does it hit you though? Because we all have bad days No matter how much we look for ourselves I feel When I get a message come through And I've had a lot of messages come through Recently You know from people that need help Last Sunday was a low point Because I had a nine year old girl Sitting on my knee That had been trafficked She had been sold Well no She had like a distant aunt That had brought her from Nigeria to Italy, sold her into prostitution. And then somehow somebody in a hospital helped her get to the UK.

1:49:43And she's now with a foster family. She was sitting on my knee. That was heavy, because I saw my own sister, I saw lots of other girls, and I feel helpless sometimes. So sometimes I do get that feeling of not being able to do enough quick enough. But I feel I'm a real person. I feel someone else's pain so much. It's almost, you know, really sort of tears me apart yeah I don't really like terms or you know labels I don't like that but I have a heart I have a pure heart and I feel that so that was probably one of my lowest points just because I couldn't sort things out for her but that aspires me though to make more money because when I make more money I can help more people so I'm not trying to make money so I can have designer handbags I really don't care about them because a lot of them are made by people that are blood money in my opinion i'm not into that what i'm into is giving and helping as much as i can because as i keep saying my i'm a seek um my parents are not practicing seeks admittedly a lot of the religious institutions are run by people who think culturally not the actual religion but the nice part of seekism is about love i like the six police says that yeah because i know i do a lot for the homeless i worked in bernard for a bit and the work that they've done religiously it's not just going out once a week every day morning noon and night it's called we have a word it's called saver which means to be of service and that's why i think i believe i should be not should i just it's the way of life for me to be of service to others yeah how does it sitting here today kind of going over a lot of things that does it bring back a lot of emotion because the brain will repeat like i says earlier brain doesn't know what's real but it's fake so whatever you think about whether the emotion was 10 20 years ago it releases a chemical to the pain and the emotion you'd felt that day that's how powerful the brain is that how does it go through everything today i've actually been really good today and i know my bodyguard sitting over there thinking she hasn't cried as much because sometimes i'm just i'm just very tearful it hurts you know it hurts to know that the person that was supposed to teach me to ride a bike didn't do that he raped me he hurt me he didn't protect me but then i say that he taught me how to love he taught me to love unconditionally so i'd rather take that lesson and that life skill from it but it hurts me you know i was once that victim yes i'm a survivor now but once i was there once i was that helpless girl and sometimes i look back at my own pictures and i don't understand it you know i have empathy i have that hurt for her my inner child but i know that she if i could go back to her i wouldn't change anything for her i would just tell her that eventually it's going to be all right just just to be strong about any girls that's watching it's maybe been through that struggle i don't know you don't know who's going to be watching this or listening to this.

1:52:26What advice would you have for them? How do they get help? How do they reach out? Because like you say, they're so programmed as well to think they're disrespecting their whole family and beliefs, but it's wrong to be raped. It's wrong to be abused. It's wrong to be getting beaten. What advice would you have for these people? I mean, even on the way here on, on public transport that I took, there were two girls discussing whether the person that had beaten his partner was right to beat her because maybe there was mitigating circumstances that caused him to do that maybe he'd noticed you know that in his childhood so he was that now that abuser there is no there's no right reason for it um if you are in a situation like that fear is so powerful it takes away your ability to think i have a non-profit called end honor killings which i'm hopefully you'll put the link on which is open to anybody i'm not you know only doing this for women it's for men women anybody um i have resources for legal aid i can you know i work with other non-profits and together I believe that we can make a change you know people have the power as you said earlier so if anyone's struggling out there and they just want to offload they can I have a group that I have I provide free mindset coaching to every month or every six weeks depending on my availability because I believe if I can help them to think differently then they will free themselves and not just themselves their children and they'll pass that on and then in six months or a year's time or three years time whatever the time period is they'll be the people sitting there helping other people so i'm creating this movement that's what i'm creating so i want that change yeah but you're on the right path and things that you're doing look how far you've come this is only the beginning of creating change i'm gonna say oh what a great change but first of all i've still got a few things i still need to work on myself to then i'll be the finished article but to keep learning and educating and understanding i don't have all the answers sometimes i think i know everything sometimes i think i can save the world but sometimes and I said this before but sometimes I actually do talk and I think James you're really on it you really do know what you're talking about then I listen back and I think nah you're just a fucking psychopath you're trying to pretend and that's okay to pretend but I just want to be as true as I can be end of the day I'm still out for myself I've still got a business to run I still want to show people how to create a better life and not necessarily money makes you who you are but you can if you're a good person you can enjoy your freedom you can enjoy the finer things in life if you're not being too over arrogant or too poisonous if you know i mean a lot of people out there think success and money and fame it defines them but it's it's an illusion no i respect that because you're not being fake you know you're being completely honest nice things i want i want my farmhouse i want my animals i want the loving family and the dogs and everybody i always visualize the barbecues i'm a provider i'll provide and protect i want to homeschool my kids the loving missus who's the good meals and the cooking I'm not saying don't do this don't do that because I'm not I'm not saying don't drink and be in peace I don't drink I'll go work I'll go protect and I'll come home and just want family time I don't want the phones after 5 o 'clock I want to read for a never before and I'll go over affirmations that we're on this path and this is the things that I've created and that's everything that took me 39 years but I'm getting there so everything I know that I've done in the past to what I'm doing now.

1:55:45I've still got things I can work on. I can still overwork, be a bit aggressive sometimes. But it's served me well thus far. I think, see, I'm sometimes tough on myself and I say, you know, I have to remind myself I was homeless literally six and a half years ago. I had nothing, not a penny, not even clothes, nothing. But I sometimes feel I should have been a lot further than I am right now. But I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm full of this immense love and I've never had that before, not from anyone, because I was looking for it from my parents or from my partner or from someone, whereas it never really existed anywhere else other than within me.

1:56:24And it just took that minute to understand that it comes from within you. And then you do attract those people. I get roughly 30 to 40 death threats every month. But I also get five or six proposals, which makes me laugh. So it's just that case of, you attract it if you want it. but you've got to start with yourself you really do the thing is he's a weak individual I call them keyboard warriors but then having said this and I've not told anyone this I went to an award ceremony the other day and I won woman of the year in parliament which was something congratulations thank you I still have to celebrate that I haven't got around to it but there was a woman that followed me around that day and you know when you get that inner feeling as I said that gut feeling and she followed me into the toilet to tell me that the cartel know who I am and I realized very quickly after just walking out that hold on did she just say that to me and yeah she was doing a lot of um masonic signs and things on my table but I wasn't catching on and then later on I realized yeah okay she sent me a note a nice message via Instagram encrypted but I know exactly what she's saying that we're watching you because the cartel is very much involved with human trafficking it's a business for them they don't want me to be talking about it so there are a lot of big people a lot of powerful people to themselves that think they can harm somebody like myself but i'm just one of many and i believe i'm protected you're well protected and the thing is people think the gangsters are the people who aren't of you the man with a scar on his face or maybe done 20 30 years in prison the real gangsters are sitting in parliament with his suits on definitely making trillions pharmaceutical industry traffic I'm not saying everybody in Parliament, there must be people who start off in there trying to do good, there's people in there trying to make change, but you go down the route and you start asking the question, where's it all connected to, what families is it connected to, and you kind of see it all leaves clues.

1:58:19and like I don't have all the answers to it I'm not in it to know it but I read enough and I educate myself enough on a few things and I speak to a lot of high power for a lot of high high rank people on this planet where you can't get enough knowledge and information to go okay this world is controlled and if you speak out and you're losing their money of course they'll just take off the numbers it's easier, but as soon as it's trafficking it's a billion dollar industry you can buy a kid for like you say two goats, a dollar two dollars and they're getting their heart cut out their liver their kidneys are getting sold for hundreds of thousands in the black market where do you go forward for the future nina like what's the plans so my plans are eventually i'll have a farmhouse but my farmhouse will be a refuge for people literally for me to take them in because i just feel i'm full of love and i want to extend that to them as well because i never had it for them to bring their children but i see the future not just for myself it's the community that i'm building the movement as I said I'm building so that we can all go forward because I don't think it's just a one person thing so bringing other people forward and we're not all on the same time timelines you know you said to me you're not quite there yet I found myself when I was 50 you know so my timeline would have never happened when I was 20 but eventually we'll all catch up with each other and we'll be that light that people need as they say or whatever it is you however you want to describe it but I just know I've got so much more to do it's little things like one of my clients he's um um owen roddy you might have heard of him he's conor mcgregor's strike coach he does his affirmations he said he didn't have time now he does his affirmation he didn't have time to see his girls either he's such a great dad now he does them in the car dropping them to school with the girls and what a great gift that is they're now taking it forward so those girls that he's got in the car saying the same affirmations they're going to take it forward and forward and start that process of change that's that domino effect exactly so for me for me little things are happening all the time and i know they're all coming together but i do see myself as leading a huge movement of change yeah go on yeah i see that as well what about your book like what's that about so i wrote a self-help book last year called master your life live the life of your dreams just because of all the mistakes i had made with money relationships family um i did a bit about covid just to question things you know actually ask yourself a question health and fitness because the healthier i am the better i feel the better I can do things more I can do so it was really all of my life skills put into one the common questions I get from men a lot of them and I put it all into one just as a self-help book It's a bestseller.

2:01:01So you can get it from Amazon. All my websites take you to Amazon. Listen, Nina, for coming on today and telling your story, listen, it's been unbelievable. Very proud of you, how far you've come. You're a beautiful woman who's doing yourself justice from the pain that you've learnt from and keep growing from and try to do whatever in the world. And that's all we can do is just try and be better than the fucking who we were yesterday. But again, there's so much distractions all there we can be. Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu.

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2:02:49Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Distracted with so many things, but it's about staying in the path, staying true to you. We're going to figure it all out, maybe not, but all we can do is try. For anybody that's maybe caught in a rut or too scared to speak out, male or female, what advice would you have for them? I would say speaking is a huge thing. It's a release. If you can't tell somebody as you are, then be anonymous about it. but I would also say if you know somebody who's struggling go to them because often through helping someone else we heal and that's a great way of doing it also but you've got to speak about you have to create a change to have a different reaction to what you know you've got to create something so I say to people do something today don't wait till tomorrow because we know it doesn't really it's just going to prolong the pain and I just want everyone out there to know that they do deserve love that they are doing the best that they can be doing with what they have and that if they feel that they're inadequate or they're not doing enough, just to give themselves a bit of a break.

2:03:51Nina, wish you all the best for the future. Thank you again. God bless you and take care. Thank you so much. Thank you.