Fighting Talk - Undefeated Bouncer V Bareknuckle Fighter Danny Christie

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1:28of podcasts and over a half a million viewers between you you know what I mean this is what it's all about but for the two years to be here to be a fighting man's table not just in a ring but also outside because I know you've had your battles your struggles but two men who I respect very highly from where you came from and what you're doing now man it's unbelievable Danny you've just won your first pro fight bare knuckles is that correct? Yeah and Paul world champion kickboxer you battled with addiction and stuff you had a wee delapse which we'll touch on but it's good to have yous two on and I think this again will be another powerful discussion how are you brother?

2:03Mate I'm brilliant listen first of all you know very privileged proud to be coming back you know you don't have don't see too many people doing part twos and that so you know I'm honoured and I'm brilliant you know I've never been better obviously last time we met it was the start of the journey for me you know I think I was 10 days clean or something a few bumps in the road since then but I'm doing well some good clean time behind us loving the fellowship, loving the programme and just loving life at the minute, never better How about yourself Paul? Aye, doing alright James busy, a lot of things going on but like I said appreciate you having us on, I appreciate having us back James

2:46a couple of hiccups a couple of things that didn't go quite my way and relapsed and went out I'm back, I've got clean time under my belt and life goes on, don't I? We live and learn. Exactly, all you can do is flip the chapter, same as yourself, when you probably first came on, unknown name, obviously you've had a wee bit of social media presence with the shit that you've done but now it's a clean living, it's a positive living, you're making changes, you're becoming a better individual, a lot of people would have probably sat here watching when you first came on you'd probably think he's never fucking changing nearly a year later, you've won a fight at we fight at wembley yeah but you're still clean you're bang on it and you're still everything you're doing is hitting you heights like how is it to have stayed on that path um ultimately rewarding but you know not always easy uh changed everything you know changed absolutely everything people i knock around with places i go slowly you know tried my best to get mindset over to a positive place which isn't always easy is it but you know right now as it stands definitely the best version of myself ever and during the longest into clean time i've ever had since i was about 11 year old so that feels good obviously still relatively early on in you know in the journey of self-discovery but a lot of new things you know a lot of new feelings, new like, frequencies we'll call them, you know positive and happy 85, 90 % of the time, you know, and I'll check them numbers Yeah, because we're human, we're always going to happiness isn't a 24-7 thing, it's not something that we can all skip down the road and feel life is amazing we all struggle, we all battle we've all had that life where that's a nasty old fucking struggle and everything's going great from the outside but it's up here, there's a shouting and screaming never stop of course it doesn't but i do things to try and quieting those noises quieting those screams like how was it for you when you started to make those changes from running out of prison fighting all the time that even you look at your old videos it was all anger it was all frustration but the only person you're really angry with is yourself like what was that moment for you to go right i need to change here and you've stuck to it you know first of all it started wanting to get into recovery recovery desperately at uh the last day of the year last year that was you know I'd had enough I needed to surrender and you know and I did but it was ultimately for me that the do or die was my last relapse just over seven months ago my pals funeral you know a good pal of mine who will be sadly missed and I went down all the old faces were there and I went down just for one as you do and I come around five days later but no deep reflective state really thinking of you know my funeral you know I couldn't get it out my head mate you know my funeral having my loved ones sat where I was sat you know I really uh really hit home you know and I'm rolling the dice every time I go on it mate you know the sort of amounts and what I put myself through so that was it for me you know and that was it you know I was in recovery but up until after that relapse I wasn't uh taking the action that I'm taking now you know um attending as many meetings as I can doing the step work and you know giving it me everything which beforehand I wasn't you know it was something I was very attracted to but still kind of felt I had one foot you know going in the other direction so I give it everything I had and now as it stands I'll go to any lengths to stay clean you know and like you said that voice that voice is still there to to fuck on my voice you know because it's my voice it's actually my tone and pitch it's me speaking inside my own head you know sometimes a voice which I've got no control over but now and lately I'm just like aye thanks for that I'll take it from here but yourself Paul I know you relapsed how long were you off it before it was seven years seven years clear and sober and that was the first yeah yeah but I've been in fellowship for 15 years you know like in and out but when I finally got it it was like Danny said there wanting to live you know not wanting to listen to that voice in my head that was telling me that was a piece of shit do you know I didn't deserve to live and I believed it because most days I didn't want to be here.

7:29Do you know what I mean? And last time I was on here, I shared about my experience of trying to take my own life. And that was one of the first times, apart from speaking to my sponsor, was the first time that I'd shared that with anyone. My mum and dad didn't know no one. I didn't want anyone to know, but it was the time and the place and I felt it was right. And I shared it. But it's like Danny said there, what's on offer for being clean and living clean? What the programme offers is the rewards are worth more than any type of money or any material things. It's just, you know, waking up and wanting to live, waking up and having a choice, whether you want to use or you don't.

8:05You're like, hold on a minute, I don't want to use here. Do you know what? You don't have to. And that's because of the tools you take from recovery, from Nycox Anonymous, you know? And it's the only thing that will ever work for addicts because you're either going to use till you die or you're going to do something drastic where you're removed from society or you're dead. And I knew the path that I was going down was life in jail, I'm going to die. And it was one of the two. But the moment I got into recovery and started to learn what was on offer, what you can take from here, and it's free. It's a no-brainer.

8:41I say it's a no-brainer, but it's still fucking hard, isn't it, like you said there? Because my disease of addiction and my mental health is disguised in my voice. It's hard not to listen to your own voice sometimes because, you know, we think we're right all the time, don't we? Well, I do anyway. And most of the time it was my way or the I way. So when my voice, when my addiction is speaking to me, my voice, again, I'm like, yeah, yeah. But then I slowly learned that, you know, that first idea, that first voice, that first thought, it's not a fucking good idea. You know, but then as I got further in recovery and started to surround myself with, you know, things change, don't it, Dan?

9:17Like you taste the music, you know. and I know it sounds so cliche but even the birds sing do you know what right I used to have this tree on my front you know when I when I lived in in this street I was in Pim Street and I never ever noticed it until I got clean I'd been living in this street for about 10 years and when I walked out I was seeing this tree it was you know it was pink and there was blossom on it and I was like wow shout out to my lassie look at this tree and she's like it's been there for ages but it was just the appreciation of this tree was just was there and it was it felt nice just because it was normal and I'd never felt normal ever in my life but that's what recovery gave me a bridge to a normal living So a big strong man like yourself kickboxing world champion, respected when you've got demons in your head telling you to kill yourself how hard is that Paul from somebody who's alpha male people who probably look up to you for inspiration and think nothing would break him but yet you're thinking inside I don't want to be here how is that as a man?

10:19it's demoralising it makes me feel weak it makes me feel ashamed, it makes me feel embarrassed and it makes me feel afraid that's how it made me feel today it doesn't, because I know deep down I was born different, that I was I was always not wired up right so for me, now when it enters my head I'm able to live with that, I'm able to not feel weak or ashamed of me thinking this way because recovery has given me the tools to be proud of the way I am you know you know be grateful for being an addict and that was something that I'd never ever thought I would say because I want to die because I'm an addict do you no no be grateful for it you know and now when I notice that you know I'm having a bad day you know only takes an argument with my missus over the pots or something like to the point where I go it used to be I want to use I want to go out and get fucked up and get seshed when now it's just like just go just go kill yourself you know and it goes straight to there because I think well the drugs are going to kill me so I skip all that fucking turmoil and all that destruction and just go straight to the point where I think I'm gonna die I'm gonna die and it's gonna be your fault you bitch you know and that never leaves but I learned to live with that now do you know what I mean when I don't have to act on that you know I always remember someone saying Paul you aren't your thinking you know I was thinking because I remember stressing out thinking fucking I still feel like chilling people I still feel like strangling my lass or you know I feel like telling the kids to fuck off and he's like don't worry about it I said yeah but I'm working hard to be a good lad to be a good person he goes you are have you done any of them things i go no he goes well you aren't your thinking thank god for that i thought i really am as well and you know why i know you are because i'm still here still alive because yesterday i didn't want to be here but today i am do you know yeah so having to deal with with the way i am and the way my head is it's easy now it's easy because i know where i am no there's no denial going on there's no shame there's no you know there's there's nothing i know where i am and i'm and i'm and i'm happy that i know where i am because i i can i can live each day as it comes yeah know where I am.

12:11What about yourself, Danny? Have you ever thought about ending it? It's crossed my mind a few times, you know, but just usually in the darkest hours when, you know, I'm usually set up, end up sitting on my own in some kitchen or some bedroom or some hotel or something, you know, when I was that person who just never went home, you know, always ended up on my own, going from venue to venue, trying to keep the party going, eventually you end up, you know, very lonely, don't you, and very sad, and thought about them things. I've never took action with any of them, but definitely crossed my mind a few times you know and it's not nice usually I end up just crying myself into a stupor you know for the life that you're living now to the life that you used to live do you look back and think fuck me because we've all got potential that's for anybody watching or listening everybody's got potential potential to be something potential to have fucking belief in your life potential to raise the bar to whatever level you want to live it like I say a lot of people who knew you from the past to then seeing you now they would think fuck me I never ever thought that that would happen what do you think when you look back and think fuck me because you've got potential to be anything you're clearly proving it love clean life better father better person to yourself better person to whatever this life has offered you how do you think when you look back at all proud you know proud of myself I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people you know especially the programme and God of my understanding you know I'm in good hands you know I'm really in good hands but I watched the video maybe five weeks ago or something someone had put it on it was an old video on me turning about in the flat ripping my top off and throwing punches into midair and I just lost it mate I ended up crying I was crying on that video I wasn't speaking to my mum at that point and I knew my mum was watching them videos so I kind of you know begged bit for forgiveness really in that video to my mom you know i wanted to speak to us and i ended up in prison just you know a couple of days after that but looking back at that first of all i'd you know i really recognized that person you know it was like almost like it was still there but not no no any of the surface you know and i just looked at this lunatic that was person about this flat throwing punches in mid-air and that and there i was just like wow you know because the changes they come little by little don't they come step by step you know an inch at a time if you like and to look back on that you know it was like it was it was like wow you know but i still felt i still really identified with that person who was me you know i still really identified with with the pain and the suffering and the negativity that i was going through and all the doubts and the fear and everything really you know I identified with it because it's me isn't it you know and it was my that's my story and that was me you know a bit of a bad day at the office but um what do you think triggered that that day oh it was a concoction of things you know everything mainly me you know mainly me and my failure to deal with things you know appropriately um anger been the first go-to emotion for everything you know I could get praised or I could get applauded or someone could say something nice and you know I might still fathom a way to be angry over that but um you know today's very different I keep saying I'm the best version of myself and I say that every week Mondays are big for me you know really like Mondays Monday morning's where it's at for me you know I get up and you know I pray I meditate you know and I'm very grateful you know I probably spend the first 10 minutes of every morning just saying thank you you know thank you thank you for everything that i've got you know thank you for the person i am thank you for being guided protected for the strength i've been given you know for the clean time and you know everything else that goes with it got some nice shiny material things as well which have a certain value for here and now but you know i realize you can't take none of this stuff with you um relationships i've got at the In comparison to how I was then, you know, the planets apart, it's like night and day, you know, proper deep, meaningful, you know, loving relationships.

16:32I love and I'm loved, you know, and that's what it's all about for me, you know. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema, so I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about ebglyss? EbGliss, Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies, EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids.

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17:53Season after season. Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on. Just like people, count on you. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900. How are you dealing with the praise? People saying, well done, proud of you. I know you met a fan in Edinburgh or somewhere. and somebody wanted to meet you, again, usually if somebody wants to meet you back in the day when you're active, it's for a fucking scrap or to get money that you owe them. How are you dealing with the positive side of things? You know, quite well. It's new. You know, it's definitely new. So, you know, with it being new, I'm trying to, you know, somehow adapt or find a way to be.

18:38You know, with that, it's, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't flattering. You know, at least it is flattering. but it's not what I set out for. Not that I dislike it in any way because I don't but I started documenting my journey on YouTube to portray me generally in recovery and self-discovery and I met some really nice people along the way and it is nice, it is flattering but I don't often know how to deal with it. It's nice to get praised I suppose but you know one it's not what I set out for you know and by saying this I am very grateful for it and I would and I would never take it away but you know I don't need pats on the back for what I say and do you know but if I can get the messages where the messages and comments and inboxes and that that I do get when people say I've inspired them to to get in a gym or to get into recovery or to get clean time and that you know them messages you know really make the whole thing worthwhile you know they really do even though it's not what i set out for it's like wow you know i'm making a difference here even if it's on a small level or an individual level or you know it's very nice powerful isn't it you know why it's because the years them old videos still going about with him this fucking mad erratic danny who even i commented didn't i you know didn't you just we'd never met but even I even I didn't like that person do you know what I mean even I looked at that and thought wow I mean we spoke about it before but then I mean I even I was saying to you I know what's destined here for you Dan recovery social media because you know why people look at that old Danny and then see him now and think fuck this works you know and that's what it's all about isn't it the attraction rather than promotion and the only way because You try and find people on YouTube or on social media who talk about NA or A or whatever, or fellowship or recovery.

20:39There's hardly any. There's hardly any. But then when you see this lunatic going, vibrations of the mind, God bless. You know, and the people are like, whoa, what's he talking about? And he's, you know, people can relate to that. People need to see that. That's why your message will always be powerful. Because you type your name in, you've got all these videos where he's a lunatic. and then he's got this video where he's sat there going love and light to your own. You know, people go, whoa, what's the secret here? You know, it's hard to famine sometimes. People look at it and go, nah, but it's, you can't hide from it.

21:13It's there in it, do you know what I mean? That's where the change is. That's where the growth is. It's fucking powerful. That's where, like you say, making changes, it's millimetres you're moving forward. You don't feel as if you realise the change. People come up six months later, a year later, you're different. There's something about you, your eyes are clearer, you've got a different energy. we don't feel the changes until you see the misery that you were in the back, the pain that you were in the devil, like a different person it's like, people possessed because we think at that moment it's what it's all about we think at that moment, if you're fucking bang on the gear or whatever it is, we think that's normal we're possessed or something else I believe that takes over that and then once you become clean, once you step out of that very small box you realise the world's a big place you realise you're in full control of whatever you want to achieve in your life when you relapsed there Paul what was the steps to make that happen what was the fucking the catalyst to go I'm going to slip back there's a number of things see I got complacent around recovery I got complacent around a lot of stuff in my life where you know I start forgetting where I've come from forgetting how bad things were you know and ego pride all that shit comes in you know and it was just like you take your eye off the ball for one second on recovery for one day you have a bad day you take it off for a week you're fucking having a bad week you know if it came any longer than that you're destined to use you're destined for the relapse and that's exactly what happened you know a couple of things were happening you know around social media around my personal life and stuff like that shit was happening and it was just a way of fucking trying to escape it but we know my head my disease will tell me you'll be alright go on you'll get away with it you know just for a day or two you'll be alright it just makes everything tenfold makes everything worse you know and that's how cunning and baffling this disease is because how it can this disease has took me to a point where I don't want to be here I'm on the fucking streets I've got a fucking rap my kids and my family don't want to see me then I get into fellowship and get clean and then 15 years down the line how the fuck it convinced me that it's a good idea to get a fucking eight ball and a bottle of air you and go hide in a hotel room and then go live as well wow you went live on Instagram went live yeah yeah what was that a scream out for help do you think probably feeling sorry for myself want a bit of a tension i don't know yeah again look i i am an addict you know and when i'm in active addiction who knows what's going to happen you know i even i'm like i remember doing that and a couple of days later thinking oh my fucking god like what sober paul wouldn't do that normal paul wouldn't do that but unfortunately paul who's off his tits would do it over and over again, I'd imagine.

23:49Yeah. You know, but it's one of them things, you know, I'm just grateful that I survived it. You know, I'm grateful that I learned from it. Life goes on. Any relapse that I survive is just a learning curve. See, that's the thing myself. It always scares me. If I relapse, I don't think I've got the strength to come out again. I'm over four years now, and it's been a battle the last eight years. I don't think I've got another recovery in me because it's the shame, the guilt, the lying to everybody. like you going on that and doing that for me I'd have kept going on it until I was caught until somebody says my mum usually says there's something different and you get angry and you're like fucking nothing and it's a gambling and it's a weed and it's a valium and it's everything just everything changes like because we get we keep doing it because we want to hide away the how fucked anybody that's got addiction anybody even just sitting in a gaff once a month for three days you've got a problem you're hiding from something you ain't happy I put a post out about alcohol I believe is the biggest drug on the planet there's more people die from it but yeah it's more glorified people saying but i'm allowed two drinks three drinks because it's legal yeah and people saying i only have two beers a night it's great listen you do that for 10 years 20 years unless i'm just saying everybody's got potential this darkens your vibration it lowers your vibration for me there's just more to giving life the only thing i struggle with now is sugar that's a killer man bastard yeah yeah see when you came off that and after how long did it take to realize I know who I was before to get back on it straight away because some people end up going spiralling for three years, five years.

25:19Some people never get out again. Well, for a week, I was, again, back to square one, suicidal, fucking, didn't want to show me face, didn't want to turn social media on, didn't want to turn my phone on, didn't want to lift me in off the city. Do you know what I mean? I just hid away. But, you know, from past experience, you know, I know where that leads to. You know, and I've got enough recovery and enough of God in my life to know that pick yourself up stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it you know and that's exactly what i did you know i'm grateful for the fellowship and for what i've got from fellowship and what and having a higher power my god of my understanding because you know that week all i want to do was go back out all i wanted to do was die you know everything about me was negative dark ill do you know it was horrible but because of my god and because of fellowship and because of the people I have around me and that you know what I mean I was able to go do you know what that's not where I want to go do you know there's two paths which one do you want and I want that path where I want to live I want to be in fellowship I want to be a good what's on offer a good dad a good husband a good brother a good son a good friend and I know that's on offer so that's the path I want and I just picked myself up and got on with it How was it to see Paul when you seen them slipping?

26:36It wasn't nice you know you rang me didn't you but I couldn't remember and you told me about it we had like a good yeah

26:45I I I won't say what was said because it's distasteful but I couldn't help but fucking laugh like not at the time but looking back it wasn't nice at all you know seeing someone you know I love him like a brother and we've come very close you know we're always alright but especially since that last November you know it become really tight we speak what three four times a week or something easy yeah and um just wasn't nice because i remember that card journey down there in november i reflected on a lot of that stuff in my early recovery and still do to this day you know um some of the stuff that he said to us seemed like so much of it coming to fruition you know um always drew you know inspiration from him so you know you can imagine for me you know it wasn't very nice but you can imagine for other people you know that was it's entertainment for a lot of people watching something like that people who don't know him people with no feelings for him you know they're just watching something you know like watching something unfold it's like drama i suppose you know it's uh i think i'd uh maybe a certain sort of satisfaction from it in some way but for me it wasn't very nice at all and you know i was just happy when he threw the towel in and I went back home.

28:02Very pleased. How have you been dealing with the kind of attention for the social media? I know World Podcast, I put the title, Britain's Toughest Bouncer. I did say it, it was clickbait, but again, that title was, that was a title that you were given. Yeah. Yeah. But how did you deal with the attention that comes with the comments, positive, negative? The first week I took it, I was struggling. You know, I felt I needed to explain and, you know, people going, Britain's having there's Dom and there and a load of Dom will fill him in and I think so what but I felt the need to try and explain to everyone oh look this is and I just thought wow what are you doing you know again like after that happened you know my Instagram blew up and you know people were messaging us and similar to what Danny was going through and people stopped me and talking to me and it was overwhelming to say the least you know and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a feel good thing you know it made me feel decent made me feel good but it's gratification for knowing what I was doing you know i did the right thing you know because even though five percent of 95 percent of the comments were all positive and brilliant the five percent was just shit you know not the artist you're a fan of you're a big chin or whatever whatever people choose to shot at you which was all that by the way which was pissing me right off but after the week went by i started to realize you know what like you've done the right thing paul because you know if a thousand people hate what you've said but then that one person comes along and goes listen now I'm joining Fellowship I'm going the way now you know I loved your podcast that's job done that's job done yeah you had more positives than negatives oh I had hundreds yeah same as yourself Danny brilliant you've had waves and waves of negativity but like that that goes to anybody you have turned it you've turned that wave I said to you after the podcast a wave will come you'll get attention how you're going to write that and you're fucking with it you've got your surfboard man you've took it to heights like only you could never only you could ever dream of especially three four years ago where you were that's what it's all about it's all down to the individual everybody can get a little push start a little kick but it's down to them how they want to fucking go it's not easy positive comments negative comments you can get above your station as well you need something to ground you because we all want to be liked I don't give a fuck who you are we all want to be loved and liked same as men men struggle most today how do you see it when men struggle and you've come through it you've fucking fucked it again you've come back on it again when somebody can see I'm really struggling because I feel people's pain I've been there I've been there and I still act that I'm fine I still act that everything's okay it's not I'm always working I'm always on the go to keep busy because up here man is a fucking minefield I don't know what day I'm going to get when I wake up I can do affirmations I can go over goals I can look back and be grateful and show gratitude but up here's just fucking just little ticking time bombs I'll hear dickhead you're soon should it be happy today bang something will explode and then I'm thinking about shit from 10 years ago but it's difficult when you see somebody struggling how do you feel?

30:57Do you feel that pain? Yeah yeah but the reason why I do it is because I can relate to that pain so I put myself back right there do you know what I'm saying I know when I say to you I know exactly what you're going through I fucking mean it you're like I know what you're going through and do you know what as well I feel like I've developed this radar for spotting from a mile off you know I only need to to lay eyes on someone and meet someone on the rope in the mouth for five minutes I'm thinking he struggles him with addiction or mental health or once with something he's struggling you know nine times out of ten I'm right you know because I'll always mention it I'll always talk about it and I'll always you know if I feel God's put it on my heart to go he's struggling him Paul and if I have a feeling that he is I'll pull him aside and I'll mention him there has been times where he goes no no I'm fine me mate don't talk about you know the other has happened but nine times out of ten I'm usually you know I get it spot on do you know and it kills me because these people don't know how to live with it you know this mental health or addiction they don't know anything do you know what I mean like they're just they're just all numb by the grip of their fingers do you know just day by day and I think there's stuff on offer there that can help you you know and they're like as men they don't want to sometimes they don't want to listen or they don't want to eat it because you know they convince themselves I'm alright me I'm alright how many men do you say are you alright you yeah I'm sound you know well you know they're not but they'll just go, yeah, sound.

32:20I don't want to talk about it. No, because that's, it's in, it's in grandos, not to, not to show emotion, not to show weakness, not to, you know, when truthfully, the strongest words I've ever heard was surrender to win. And the reason why it stuck with me because I always looked at surrender as a weakness. You know, how can you, how can you give in? So that's what surrender was to me, giving up, giving in, you know, to, to win. You're always going to be a loser. But when I started to realise, you know what? it's surrendering this and when you surrender it means stop being fucking denial you know get rid of your self-pity know what you are you know all this stuff that what comes with that that saying it's fucking bang on you know and when i mention this to these guys you know like listen you've got to let go you've stopped like get rid of that denial know what you are you know do something different instead of doing the same things and expecting different results it's just insane like get rid of all that start looking at i don't know meditation higher power change the way you think you know all this stuff works yoga meditation you know works you know but you know you touched on something you know like monday's your favorite day i absolutely love your videos where you talk about monday but you know why because i always remember being in a sesh you know and it's like early hours monday morning you're peeping up the curtains people are getting ready to go to work and you're like look at them fucking lunatics wouldn't dare you're going to work on a monday why you're sat in the kitchen melting, you know.

33:45And that was my mentality, you know, seeing someone on a Sunday morning washing his car at eight o 'clock, I think lunatic. He's probably looking at me and he's probably looking at me thinking lunatic. But how can I look at him, someone who's going to work on him? My moral of the story is, their Monday videos, they're fucking brilliant because I'm there now, you know, I'm actually enjoying my Mondays, you know, I'm not sitting there dreading Mondays, watching people go to work thinking lunatic I'm one of them now you know I'm getting up I'm doing stuff you know I'm ready to start my week on a munda you know and it's a good feeling you know and it's to be able to come from sat in that kitchen looking out popping out the windows looking at lunatics going to work with his fucking picnic in his bag ready for lunch and I'm sat there fucking having that for the week you know wasting away yet now I'm a million miles away from that you know I'm that lunatic with my little bag going to work and you know thinking yeah you know and it's mad it's good in it it's i never ever pictured that life for me you know what was normal you know when i first went at the fellowship and i go build a bridge to a normal living you know it's it's slow building it'll happen i think i don't want to be fucking normal i don't want to be working i don't want to be you know i'm here because i don't want to stop sniffing and smoking crack that's it that's it then all of a sudden i'm listening to fucking all different types of music i'm here in the bed singing i'm thinking this is weird turned into a bit of a weirdo but I love it you know I absolutely love it I'm finally at a place now of you know on a sense I feel normal you know after my 5 or 10 minute morning my prayer and you know connection and all that I'm off and I'm normal and it's a fucking good feeling that there was what was on offer for me when they said you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams you know when I first went to the fellowship and they were going look this is you'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams I thought they're all going to do a whip round in a minute and give me a load of money or something you know that's what I was thinking in my head but that bridge to a normal living was built you know and I was getting up I was going to work I remember like it was yesterday because I was at Tesco Warehouse on minimum wage alls in my trainers but fuck me I was happy you know there was no stress bills were paid you know I was normal I was living a normal life and it was fucking brilliant what was your go to drug?

35:57coke coke or crack it was either one of them you know if I started on crack I was sniffing coke and I was smoking crack if I started on crack I was sniffing coke I just bought from them. You know, it didn't matter to me. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about EBCLIS? EBCLIS, Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema.

36:32Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EPCLIS and visit EPCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979.

37:09Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season. Firestone all-season tires. For durability you can count on just like people count on you firestone always dependable since 1900 we smoking coke no no no i would just sniff the continent smoke crack but it was for me the only drug i never took was heroin and that was only a yet you're ever close to it yeah yeah very very close a few times i used to look at people on heroin i think what the fucking state to them made me feel as if I wasn't as bad.

37:58Yeah, well, that was the same for me. But I had a lot of trauma around heroin because, you know, when I was, I think it was about 14, 15, you know, my mum's sister, the younger sister, died of heroin overdose and I found her. It was me who had to go get the kids and, you know, it was terrible. It was a terrible time, you know. My mum worked at a hotel. See, my mum's in recovery. She's 27, 28 years clean and sober. You know, she's missed NA. She's fucking brilliant. She carried the message to me. You know, and it's, it's, you know, it's a family on this. It's a family on this. And anyway, she was, she'd been clean a few years and she was working.

38:38And I thought she was at work this morning and the phone was ringing. When she was at work at a hotel, I used to get my little sister up, get her ready for school and take her to school. This phone was ringing, the house phone was ringing when I answered it. It was my little cousin, Tony. And he was like, I can't wake mum up. I can't wake mum up. And I was like, where are you? I'm at home. He went, I've took someone naughty off her. So I was like, whoa, what's going on here? And I was like, well, fucking, do you know what I mean? So I was like, says to my little sister, listen, stay there. I'll be two minutes.

39:03You only lived around the corner from us. So I'm running around. And as I went in, my two cousins, Tony and Amy, they were only dead young. They were sat in the city. They were a couple of years younger than me. And they were crying. And when I looked, I just knew. I knew instantly that she was dead. You know, she'd overdosed. I said, what if you took out of her hand? It was a needle. and I got undressed and I was you know trying to how I don't just playing she's asleep we'll be alright get him out the house and as I walk round back home my mum was on the step she was like what's going on where are you and for me to have to go I think Annette's dead you know fucking horrendous absolutely horrendous but it was a lot it never left me that stuff do you know what I mean like seeing my mum crying over and having to get the kids out I don't act normal I was a 14 year old you know it was it was fucking horrendous but I dealt with it on that day but it took me a long time to speak about it took me a long time to deal with it you know I didn't deal with it until I got into fellowship you know I just lived with it buried in the back of my brain which would resurface every now and again when I put my head on a pillow you know and it it's something that no kid should ever have to deal with you know and the trauma that comes with that was fucking horrendous because I loved my auntie Annette you know I did love her you know I was always sleeping at her house I was dead close with her and then to see her that way you know to see my mum it was fucking honourable but again every time I'd made the decision to take anyone which I was very close to that was in my head fresh in my head as well and I knew there would be no turning back for me if I took that so basically her death probably saved you a life on many occasions without wondering probably probably what about yourself Danny what was your go to drug weed all day every day sniff on a night and value him to get to sleep used to call it the holy trinity for some unknown fucking strange reasons seeing me come off the weed how how how hard is that i've done it for 12 years man and out of out of gambling and all the other shit that the weed was tough because i'd felt as if i would always relapse with that more because i always surround i used to surround myself with people who smoked all the time i used to think they still function to try convince myself where it's okay but for me it's a mind fuck for me it's another depressant you can say what you want about it's a herb it's whatever but the people I know still smoking it their heads are fried how did you manage to come off the weed I know a lot of people now who still struggle to come off it with great difficulty you know I've done 30 days 3, 4 times this year you know and the 30 days for me is the hardest because when there's something in my bloodstream something in my you know like in my body you know that's how my neurochemistry works for the next 30 days it's just screaming feed me you know as long as there's something in my bloodstream i want more of it it doesn't matter if it's two days three days four days i don't get any relief until 30 days and i've noticed that 30 days it's a it's a fucker and every time i've relapsed like it was mentioned before like you mentioned every time i've relapsed it's come back stronger it's been harder to get back into fellowship you know it comes back stronger every time it's like thrush it's it just comes back stronger every time and you can't you know check it off but i always knew there was light at the end of the tunnel and we'd gone 59 days the first time you know when we met I went 59 days which is my longest longest time recovery at that point and I was getting you know sort of glimmers of normality you know and like Paul mentioned before as I say in the fellowship you can get a life beyond your wildest dreams well now already after seven months clean I have got a life and I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams you know I never thought it'd be possible to live this way normality that words used a lot you know normality is an individual thing isn't it you know what's normal for one isn't normal for another but you know I get a sense of that more so I get a sense of you know I'm the person a person me that's always been there you know what I mean that's this this person this person who's rather polite and sometimes you know friendly most of the time and all this stuff that I am and all this stuff that I live by and all these new things that's come into my life you know it's been it's been there underneath the whole time just been shrouded and masked with so much problems negativity substance abuse and all the other stuff that goes with that life you know and you can't see the wood for the trees you know you can't see like at the end of the tunnel when you're living that life but now you know I feel like I'm very much in that light I walk in that light I feel it every day you know you know I'm very grateful very very grateful you know that word gratitude's overused you know and you can say you're grateful for this and grateful for that but you know I literally drop to my knees every morning and thank you know God of my understanding for everything that I have you know what I mean not just this material body this vessel that I you know inhabit and live in you know every every other thing that goes with it absolutely everything I'm grateful for and I was never grateful for anything i was just self-centered addict who couldn't see any further than the end of my nose you know very narrow-minded very greedy very obnoxious ignorant aggressive all them things that make up a twat you know that's what i was how's the relationship with your loved ones now that you're on a stable path and seeing the world definitely never better never better you know my kids my kids come now and they don't want to go home you know and i've got fortunate enough to have a few a few quid kicking about you know I can treat them you know no ends you know it's sometimes a little bit of a double-edged sword you know trying to give your kids everything that you didn't have because you know problems come along with that don't they and I mean it is what it is it's nice to be able to give them the things that I never had and though they are grateful and they definitely recognize the difference in me you know and my behaviour and the way I am with them you know and that loves you know it's mutual it's you know it's uh it's unconditional and it's magnified and amplified a lot more since I've got clean you know everything's we've mentioned before about the birds the trees you know when I'm running or even when I'm walking down the river and I can hear the sound of the water I love it you know all them little things that come with it and so many things that you know just having your kids smile at you you know all them little things and that's what i'm very grateful for today the little things when i say everything i mean everything you know being here right now you know i'm right in this moment i'm thinking of nothing else i'm living in this moment right here right now talking about whatever i'm talking about you know and yeah i don't uh i am not my past you know i'm not defined by my past i'm me i'm me right now you know that's who i am today i'm me now and i don't think anyone should be defined by you know the past or the things that they've done because you know anyone can change and by change i don't mean you know morph into a different creature you know i just mean probably unveil the person that's been there all along but you've just failed to recognize it you know so that's the thing there's a lot of goodness in this world there is a genuine a lot of goodness but seeing you start doing well for yourself there also becomes a lot of envy with that and see when you started making the changes when you were on the podcast the first time when you were 59 days clean and making waves people saying oh you're an inspiration it's amazing that see when you realize because there's many people waiting on the sidelines waiting for you to fuck up, that becomes an even added more pressure because when you're on it, you feel as a fuck man, they're going to laugh and that fuels you with a wee bit of rage and it shouldn't.

46:47But when you relapsed, how was that feeling for you after being on such a positive journey? Well, you know, first of all, above and beyond anything else, you know, I felt like I'd let myself and my loved ones down. All that stuff, that superficial stuff on YouTube and that, yeah, it's nice to be liked, you know, and of course it is, you know, it's human nature. you know that stuff's nice but you know none of them people know me you know and anybody you know that knows me and loves me you know knows who i am and the path i'm on at the end of the day you know how many of those people really truly care you know it's nice to inspire and it's nice to be you know loved and liked but you know how many of them people are going to be at my funeral you know a lot of people they're going to be waiting for everyone's demise you know that's a fact of life and admittedly early on especially when i was in active addiction when i was sort of making these mental videos and that someone would make a negative comment and i'd want to know where they live you know i'd be commenting i'd be like i'll meet you in the morning you know that's one comment could do that to me you know and it took time it hasn't happened overnight but no stuff like that doesn't bother me anymore i still get negative comments all the time but i deal with them they are what they are you know more and more so i'll look at these negative comments and just think without replying or without saying anything that you know it can't be very nice for them you know to be in that to be in that place the place where i was in probably you know maybe not as bad as the place i was in but that's exactly what i done i channeled all the shit that was going on in my life all the negativity all the hate all the all the everything regrets remorse mountains of pain misery and regret i channeled all that out of the people you know and it wasn't their fault maybe they said something i didn't like and i just let them have it with both barrels you know so now I look at things like that and that's how I feel that's how I think you know these times don't get us wrong sometimes I just feel like you know slapping someone about but I don't let that happen because that's just a voice in my head you know like it was with the traffic warden the other day a little bit of an incident but you know I'll rein myself in and it's that voice in it you know still there that's me that's my disease you know as Paul said before you know my disease is very manipulative it's very cunning you know and it's very patient it'll wait until like you said before I'm riding this crest of the wave and everything's so good and then you know that's when the voice seems sometimes at its strongest you know and kind of probably more power over us than sometimes it does when I'm sat in someone's kitchen it's just it's a fucker you know how many times did you used to get triggered back in the day oh I don't know every what for using drugs or losing head just losing your shit could have happened I don't know a couple of dozen times a day what what I'd use is from the moment I opened my eyes you know that was my first trigger opening my eyes on the morning that was trigger one where's the tray where's the volume trigger one and then what absolutely anything at all you know if somebody wasn't if someone was driving within the speed limit when I was driving to work I'd want to get out with a red light and smash them to bits you know that's where my head was with it I had this thing and I've mentioned it to Paul, it's like it's getting easier and easier.

50:03But anybody who's speaking to me at any time, you know, hasn't happened for a while, but you could be speaking to me now and for some strange reason, my voice is just going, just headbutt him. Yeah. You know? And you're still talking. Yeah. And now I'm thinking now, right, is it a good headbutt? Do you catch him clean? You know, does he get up? Does he go down? What if he gets stuck back into you? You know, and then I'm, all these various scenarios are unfolding while you're still talking. And I'm either kicking you around the room or you've got me by the throat or something's happening and it's just, my thoughts just completely run away with us.

50:34It hasn't happened for a little while. I'm getting more and more control over it. But that used to happen so much and at the end, my boss or my bird or anyone would be like, you know what I mean? And I'd be like, I hadn't heard a word. You know, I hadn't heard one word. I just was not there. And that was, I often used to think there was something really wrong with this. But I think that was darn it. I remember we had this conversation. The reason why I laugh is because I relate to everything you fucking say. And it's mad because I've been there where you and they just do this and you go yeah but you're going through this scenario of hitting someone because my first thought will always be even if I like the guy him crack him go on but you can't and I'm thinking oh sick you know what it is it's because we've come from this fucking fantasy world of everything just being an illusion and fantasy you know I always remember the first time I'd come on your podcast and when I'd done it I'm driving home and I'm thinking is that true you know But because I was that far gone in my disease of addiction, I didn't know what was right and what was wrong and what was true and what was not.

51:35Do you know what I mean? And I'll tell you one what was proper confused me. Remember when I shared about the bloke that knock fuck out was when I was a kid on the bridge? All of a sudden, I just got this wave of anxiety. I thought, oh my God, have you just lied about that? So when I come home, I got in the car. I'm driving up. I'm sitting here. So I rang our dad and says, remember when I told you about that? He went, yeah. He said, this is something I want to talk about. We said, no, but I need to know, like, what I've just said, I've just said this. Is it true? he went yeah fucking right it is he says of course it's true son you were in the bath you told me I dragged you out we were walking down the bath I went right that's all I need to know because sometimes you know like if I tell a story I'm thinking wow what was that real you know because because I was that far gone if I was either being awake for three or four or five or six days sometimes you lose you lose the ability to know what was true and what wasn't do you know what I mean so I've always done podcast I've always done stuff like that and thought shit was that true and then I'm ringing on the phone thinking fucking hell yeah that was true Do you know what I mean?

52:29So now we're living in the real world and we're doing this fellowship that's what's making us being able to be around normal people and not address ourselves well and carry ourselves well. Sometimes me will be going, what did you just say that there for? Even if someone just walks in, who goes, sorry Paul? I'm like, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? Are you all right? That's what's just going through my head. In the end I end up going, yeah, yeah, of course I am, mate. Are you all right? But before I say that, my head's going, why is he asking me if you're all right? You know, I've fucking known this guy for 10 years, but yeah, I'm worried about why he's asking me if I'm all right.

53:07Oh, it's fucking strange. It's strange. And that's how I was thinking, thinking, innit? That's the way we're programmed, the way we've been brought. You're talking about anger as well. You know, if I got sad, I got angry. If I got happy, I got angry. You know, because my anger was the go-to emotion to be able to disguise everything else. You know, if I was afraid, I got angry. If I was upset, I got angry. you know so flipping off the lid was it was you know a couple of times a day for me you know whether it be at my missus whether it be at a friend whether it be a stranger whether it be you know in a car it was always going to happen and then the reason why it was always going to happen was because i had nothing i had no structure no balance no nothing i had nothing in my life it was just me and this like living with this and everything i thought was a good idea from hitting someone or chasing someone or telling someone to fuck off or whatever it was it was always a good idea now looking back at thinking you were a fucking clown you mate you know when i look back at how i was in that you know you talked about that and how many times i did you flip off the lid oh a lot like a hell of a lot you know yeah but that's it isn't it it's like that was the only way i knew how to channel it all the shit that was going on all the frustration and because I got a you know sick sickly and crazily I got a release for it I got a real release for it once I'd flipped my lid and I was I thought I was like oh yeah because I'm alright now how you're looking back at it now as well and you see you see what it was you know you were the one who was in the wrong you were the one who was out of order you see that but at that time you're the only same person on earth yeah it's like no no I definitely needed to do that there do you know what I mean and that's since i'm a mug yeah fucking insane that's insane absolutely and you know what if if again you talk when you asked about what was the slow what was the the build up to my relapse all that you know losing patience you know my tolerance my you know my balance my structure everything in my life was like crumbling around me because of me because i wasn't doing the things that i suggested you know to give me that life beyond my wildest dreams which i've had a taste i know exactly what it is what's on offer but then all of a sudden Paul wants to take charge you know and he either wants more money or he wants a new watch or you know anything you know anything that changes the way I feel I want to grip and kick the ass out of and I think I'm alright because it's not drugs you know I have fucking problems with everything me gym, trainers, food sugar everything and it has the potential to fucking ruin me you know even with buying trainers or you know obsessing around certain things it has the potential to take me to the same place as drugs did you know cause issues in my house you know I'll start following out with people over shit you know and it's no different it's absolutely no different take away the drugs I'm left with me drugs aren't the problem you are Paul you know the solution to to you is fellowship higher power and it's the only thing that only it's the only thing for me for my opinion it's the only thing that works for addicts I'm mental health sufferers when's our team you can't hey it's Kelly Rowland you may not know this but I have eczema.

56:18So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about eczema? Eczema, LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe.

56:52Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EBCLIS and visit EBCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season.

57:30Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on. Just like people count on you. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900.