Football Hooligan, Who Taxed Drug Dealers For a Living

45:07And you're going to help me. Here, start filming when I say. Seems like a lot when you could just depop all those boots. Ugh, resale sucks. They take such a big cut. There's no selling fees on Depop And it's easy to list Really? Huh Easy Make money on Depop with no selling fees Download Depop and start selling today And we're back Streaming on Peacock May I present to you the award winning staff Of the Toledo Truth Teller Slap me, let's draw something loose I like that The Certified Fresh Series returns Your boss, you always like this Or is this just an I, oh no, this is Ned oysters everybody there's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone maybe we could be a family you sadistic pig this show gives me a reason to laugh I couldn't see for a week because I had to take one eye out and fucking repair the damage and put it back in so I couldn't see so that there wasn't really the problem the nose where fucking that got ripped off it was more in me eyes I thought I was on them fucking tablets again.

46:22And this time, I was hearing, I could hear what was going on, but I just couldn't fucking see. That was the first day out of prison, James. My mom, they say all football lads is mummy's boys. And I was like a mummy's boy. And sending letters home from prison, promising I'll never do it again. I've sincerely meant them promises. First fucking day out of prison to go home like that to my mom. And I see that. Do you know what I said to her? Because we believe our own bullshit, you'll love this one. I said, no, man, nobody's attacked me. Nobody's attacked me. Where are you? And I said, I've gone into a fucking nightclub in the cloakroom.

47:04I've tucked me jacket up, tripped on the carpet. The little pegs and your thing caught me on the nose and two of them stuck in me fucking eyes. It's ripped me nose out. She's gone, no way. but I found out years later, she didn't fucking believe it. It's like a bit of a fucking, you know, like the little round ones, and then you've got the other ones that you put your coats on in your bags. It's the only thing that I could think of, but yeah. It's the shite you talk when you're battling addiction, and you think everybody's dumb. Yeah, and you believe it. How did you end up in prison for the first time?

47:42The first time I was about, I must have been about 18 years old, uh pervert in the course of justice threatening uh witnesses and um they they reminded me straight away and uh even now i thought yes i'm the fucking first person from my area to get prison fucking what a badge of honor like that ain't right is it fucking and um when i was in that It was funny because when I was in DC in that back end, and it was at a point where it was just turning into a young offenders institution. So I'm at Exeter, I'm the man. Boss, gov, like calling him out. When I got sentenced to it, they've tucked me to Eastwood Park, and two coppers, they drove me up to Gloucester in a car.

48:36They've tucked me in, and I didn't really know much about it, but I remember walking in and I've gone, hello boss, you all right? He's gone wallop, smashed me full pelt, like punched me right in the face, my nose was bleeding, split my lip. And I'm looking at these two coasters thinking, what the fuck's out all about? I never, first time in prison, I never experienced that at Exeter, gone to Eastwood Park, that was just turning over from a DC into a YY, and that happened. Yeah, it was a fucking wake-up call. Obviously, it didn't stop me from going back time and time again. Were you taking gear and the Jew?

49:18Not then. That was just coming out of the football days in the late 80s, early 90s. When I go in the prison, when I was on the air, that would be fucking brutal. they're being in the police cells, on the gear, you start turkeying, and then you go to the magistrates, and they remand in custody, and you think, fuck. Like, I'm gonna have to... Because they never used to give you scripting that, like, back in them days, so you knew you had to just do your rattle, and just having that to look forward to was enough, but I remember being in the prisons. As soon as you're in there, it's like, I'm scouting.

50:03I remember one time my mate Adder, God bless him, he's died, a good friend of mine. We was twoed up, and the Scousers landed on the landing, and he was an heroin dealer and blah, blah, blah. So I said, wait, watch this when these fucking doors are open. I'm going in there. He's getting it unless he fucking starts sorting us out. So the doors are open and slop out and all that back in them days. I've gone into his fucking cell, jumped on his bed, started slightly, you fucking want to do your gear up here you fucking sort of sad so the next day we're getting little parcels of gear under the door me and me mate Adder's like fucking yes get on fucking this is all right isn't it he must it must have went dry or something or something happened with his visits me and Adder starts turkeying I'm sat there thinking this fucker's got us an habit on purpose ads, now he's pulled the gear away to teach us a lesson.

51:00When this fucking door is open, he's getting it double what he had before. Because I thought he'd stitched us up. So out I went again. Whether he sorted his visits out or what, it started coming back under the door. But mate, in prison back then when you're an addict, I used to take everybody's visits. I'd cut the pocket out me trackies, grease me ass up, go out, I'd be fucking bringing logs, like fucking, like a baby's arm back through, but I'd be taxing half of it and then wrapping it back up after I'd shit it out and then taking it back to whoever it was. So a lot of the times when I was in prison, I probably had more fucking drugs in there for free than I'd ever got on the outside.

51:48How many times have you been in prison? six only six and they want massive 14 months and and like nine months they want massive sentences yeah but you say only six six is a lot yeah yeah six is a lot six months add up those 14 months and 18 months and two years it comes it combines to a lot you know yeah and at the fucking time it's like it seems a lot longer than than than what those sentences were so but what's the worst thing you seen in prison? Um, I've seen people get stabbed, jugged with the boiling water. Um, yeah, just them, them things. Not, not like, like, I watch your podcast all the time and, and like fucking, I watch them on like, the ones that's been to the security prisons and they see people getting butchered and all that.

52:46I've never seen nothing like that. down our way in the prisons I've been in. But it's stabbing, getting jibbed up with fucking the boiling water with the sugar in and all that. I think the worst thing, apart from chaining people to get drugs in prison, the worst thing I did was, I used to look forward to one meal a week, James, right? Macaroni cheese. But I liked the crispy bits on top of the macaroni cheese. So it was this immigrant Somalian, Bobby I think he was called, I said, Bobby, macaroni cheese, make sure you give me the fucking crispy bits, all them crispy bits. He's a garlic guy, a slot with all the fucking runny shit.

53:36I said, he's got no. So I just smashed him in the face. He is fucking covered in macaroni cheese. He had a yellow face and he had these big fucking bits of macaroni running down his face. I got carted off. that was only one of two times that I went down the block so let's say I'm not on that level of like fucking 10 years, 15 years high security prisons it was looking back we had some fucking good laughs in there really funny Were you seeing you all getting to jail and coming back out were you still doing the hooligan stuff? Or did that kind of go to the side when you were on the brown? That went to the side when I was on the brown it's like everything goes when you're on that like you said you may have thought you was an odd man at one time and then when you get on that it's like you're far from the person you was but your mindset still tells you that you are that person yeah but keep it to the place where you're at today so did anybody ever tell you listen you're a fucking mess now get your head out your ass or were you just so far gone that you wouldn't have listened anyway?

54:50No, a lot of people did. I used to do, like, bits of... Before I ended up on the gear, I used to do, like, bits of enforcing. Like, this was at, like, 20, 21 years old, going, stopping people from dealing, like, the ease, the speed, and all that. It was back then, not so much a sniff. And, like, I had some, like, good pals from the football and all that, and I'd bump into them, and they would always say fuck you know look at you they sort yourself out and and um obviously people close to me family would plead with me but it was uh yeah just you can't you can't sort your addiction out until you want to sort it out it's like you could have the whole world telling you stop stop sort your shit out it ain't gonna to work until like you at that place where you want to do it so it's fucking it was an horrendous eight years on on the gear and um we all used to say to each other listen we tried the doctors i was seeing psychiatrists from a kid to adulthood counselors and all that me and me mates used to say if you ever go into a treatment center a rehab make sure it's the last thing you try because if you fail in there, there's fuck all else out there that can help you.

56:15And 97. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. Your boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh, no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! Has it happened? There is a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh. The most memorable gifts aren't found, they're made. Zazzle is a custom marketplace where you pick any product.

56:54A mug, a card, a tote, a phone case, and make it personal. A photo, a name, an inside joke. The kind of gift that actually fits the person. That's what 30 million customers have been coming back to Zazzle for over 20 years to find. Right now, save 25 % on your first order at Zazzle.com. That's Zazzle.com. Make it Z-amazing. They said, can you get in here November the 17th? I said, no, I can't get in there that day. That's my fucking birthday. I said, I'm out on the piss that day. I said, but I promise I'll get in November the 18th the next morning. And I was at a point in my life where I just didn't want to live that life of heroin addiction.

57:39anymore and i went in there the next day and i meant business and um i'm in this fucking rehab full of fucking junkies and people that i want to mix with and they said you need you've got to write your life story and read it out to like the rest of the people in in that room and i thought i'm fucking telling these my life story they'll be all fucking relapsing and telling every kind when they get out so I made up this fucking story that I was in the Falklands War and I seen me fucking comrades blown up to me in the trenches in goose green I think I remembered bearing in mind when the Falklands War kicked off I was 10 years old in 1981 and I've read that they've given me a medal for doing it and I said nice one I said I'll put that with me Victoria Cross and And a couple of days after that, I'm not sleeping.

58:36I've gone to the nurse's station, try to get some more sleepers. She went there, so I thought, fuck it. I threw myself on the floor, pretended to have a fit. She's ran out of the nurse's station, but the whole fucking cabinet, she's left all done. So I've waited for her to run out, jumped up, swooped all the fucking pills and that, gone by. They obviously knew it was me. I thought, you can't prove it. I was the only fucker in there. And the next day, they've had to kick me out. And that's when I was crying like a baby to the counselor. But he told me to go somewhere, and that's all he could do for me.

59:12Phone this man, go to this place where this man's going. And that's what I did. And then I never looked back for 22 years then. Did you ever relapse? Not in them 22 years, no. No, not in them 22 years. And then, at the end of them 22 years, um i had a problem with a crushed nerve in my spine and uh it was fucking painful like like i mean like chronic sciatica and um it's left me with a paralyzed foot permanently and um when they sent me on with like these tablets of tramadog pre-gabbling and all they went out 22 years before so i never knew what they were so i'll start taking them and after like taking after about three four weeks i thought i'm fucked here like i knew i was over medicating and i knew like i wouldn't even i couldn't stop at that time they had me then and then like that was probably 10 years ago just keeping it to that and then at the end at the end the last five years, I've been battling again because of prescription pain meds, to literally, because it led to everything.

1:00:38The sniff, the smoking it. Again? After 22 years? Not heroin. The sniff, obviously rocking it up. And, uh... Ammonia? Yeah. I'm fucked here James Because my family Some of my family don't know about that But they know what I'm doing today So it don't matter what's happened Like what I've done back then So you were off it for 22 years 22 years solid And then you fucked it Fucked it Like I can blame the doctors and all that for giving me So you ended that addicted to the trammies Trammies They're fucking hardcore And it's self I know people would take them 10 a day, 15 a day And they still function But it can't be good for your liver on your kidneys and that.

1:01:25Mate, I don't know how the fuck I'm still here. I was saying to you, I used to go on Marbella and most people do fag runs. I had a whole list of pharmacies along the cost of del sol. And when they said, what strength do you want? I thought it was only one strength, 50, 50 mil capsules. And they went up to 200. So I was getting fucking boxes of these 200 milligram. So that's like four 50 mil capsules. I was on 10 200 mil tablets tablets a day so 10 times 4 that's the equivalent of 40 fucking tramadol capsules a day and i was doing that for years because i i'd lost it then i wasn't on the sniff i wasn't doing any class a's or illegal drugs but i was doing copious amounts of like prescription pencures and then pleaded with me doctor get me off these and he put me on so he's took me off them and put me on to fucking pre-gabbling which was even worse than that and then i started doing the same with them as i did with the trauma doll the doctors don't give a fuck they're just filling you up with they're just filling their bank account by giving you every prescription under the radar see when you started making the changes at the start how difficult was it to start looking at yourself in the mirror and realized how the fuck did end up on the brown yeah i think it's i think recovery is easy if you start fighting against it and you reach a point in your life where you're willing to do whatever it takes whatever people's telling you to do don't question it just do it I think it's easier obviously looking at myself um through like work I've had to do going through a program like all the resentments of like growing up and whatever and also like I was having to make lists like of people that I've done arm to serious arm or I thieved off or battered like the pain that I put my family my loved ones through looking at that that was odd that was odd bringing up like how did I ever like be be like that it's like what the fuck happened you know what I mean and but it's like I try to think like it's not about what's happened then it's like what am I going to do about not allowing that to happen moving forward and what was your daily routine like when you were on it man I wake up sick I wake up five six o 'clock in the morning withdrawing because I was taking so much withdrawing, puking up.

1:04:07And, um, fucking, sometimes it'd be fucking severe diarrhea. Other times, you couldn't shit for a year. And, um, and then I'd have to, as soon as I had that powder, that would be taken away. The sickness would go, the belly, the air, all your aching bones, where it gets in your bones, and you're just, like, climbing the walls. It'd be like that every single morning on wake up. but you know that's why it's so dangerous at that drug because when you you're craving like that and you're going through pain like that you know just that little bit of powder takes all that away were you ever suicidal no i've not to the point where i thought about it i've i've never had the balls i would never i went on hunger strike once in prison why just because of the length of bang that he was giving us.

1:05:06But at the end of the month of being on hunger strike, I think I put on half a stone. So that fucking never worked, did it? And it's like, so I thought, it's like, I would, uh, I never had the balls to end it, like, forever. But I just thought, if I've been dealt this card in life, addiction, I'll just keep doing stupid amounts of drugs until I die. and like you don't want to live anyway but you don't want to die and you just know something happens that pulls you out of it and um i shouldn't be here today james it's like from from back then all like the different subcultures i've been through to the problems i've had in recovery with the prescription pain meds then i got drawn into some crazy shit at like 15 years in recovery, and I ended up getting fucking petrol bombed, attacked with amours, fucking.

1:06:08And it was like fucking giving Osmo mornings and fucking, it's like, I'm trying to live a spiritual fucking path. And that was probably a big part of my downfall and probably why I was taking even more prescription meds to cope with what was going on in my head. So it's fucked up time coming at the last bit of my recovery. Yeah. and you ended up back becoming a hooligan after how many years

1:06:40probably 15-20 years was that when you were back on the trammies yeah but I won't drink in I won't do in sniff I'll go along there I'll be fucking thirsty I'll fucking love it again I had that buzz back all the lads would be on the gear uh drink him imagine this fucker if he drank and took drugs and uh he fucking nuts sober and um i enjoyed it it was good because i knew what because i was sober i knew what i could do and get away with and i knew what i couldn't do and not get away with but they ended up because I knew that Devon and Cornwall police ended up building up a fucking file fighting at Mansfield and fucking um all over the place and they brought a civil case against me in the courts and then they I ended up getting banned for five years then the ban was over then there was a game against Wigan where something went off at another part of the stand all the old bills gone over I'm like is this fucking no old bell over there let's go ran over into the uh wigging away and i ended up with another three year ban for that so that was eight years out of probably 10 15 years i had banning orders and um yeah decent but it's like you can't get away with nothing up there like now all over the country so all the cameras but you either don't give a fuck and you're willing to do the prison or you won't do nothing because of this and if it if you ain't going to do nothing because of all that there's no point going pretending you're a fuckwooligan if you're never going to have a fight and um but i got more to lose today i got married in recovery i had two fucking lovely beautiful girls in recovery built up businesses um fucking earned a fortune in the dog breeding world that started off 20 years ago.

1:08:51What dogs? Like rare colour DNA French Bulldogs. Frenchies? Yeah. Much did they sell for about 6 grand? I was getting 50, 60 grand a putt. 50, 60? Yeah. But today... Selling them to America. America, people in this country. There's other people selling them 100. Now... Yeah, people might think you're full of shit, but my friend used to do that. He had a dog, what was his name, like Griller or something, but because it was so rare in the colour and it's bold, it was a lot stockier. He was selling them for 40, 50 bags as well. I thought it was for a shot. I thought, no chance. Because you see like Boxers and I've got Rottweilers, but you get them for a couple of grand.

1:09:34So when you see people saying that you sell dogs for 50 grand, 100 grand, because the one in America, the breed that it was, I think it was worth like 200 grand, but his pups were going for 75 grand as well. Like, unbelievable. Yeah, mate, I started that off 20 years ago, breeding the first black and tan French Bulldogs, and it was blue and tans. It's gone on. And when I got into this, this is in recovery. I set up a breeding company paying tax and all that. Because I had people coming down, James, like from like Manchester, London, Birmingham, literally all over. They're coming into my house to buy a pot.

1:10:19They've literally got fucking carrier bags full of coin. And like I've ended up having to get a fucking money counting machine. And I remember saying to my wife, I said, these fuckers don't work in a fucking factory nine to five. You know what's going on. escalate they'll end up bringing this fucking game right on top and that was like probably 10 15 years ago and um but mate today that i pulled away from it because i got fucked by the authorities under proceeds of crime fucking thing for breeding dogs without a license that they admitted losing the license but the fucking corrupt asses they come for come for me who'd applied for it filled it all out made follow-up phone calls chasing up an inspector um i had a breeding business paying taxes you've got probably 90 of all dog breeders a lot of them are on benefits breeding out of fucking council houses not even attempting to they get away with it because what's the authority's going to take off them fucking a gyro and fucking half ounce of backy or something they ain't going after them but they targeted me it was literally jump through fucking everything to do it right because they know i have five houses at the time and fucking and uh all for breeding dogs without a license that they admitted lose it proper fuck stitch me right up and um going through that uh that fucking that that was like a dark time because like the message had a fucking breakdown over it.

1:11:59And then they brought the fucking confiscation order under approval. Even the Crown Court judge said, proceeds of crime were brought out for a man breeding a fucking dog. He didn't swear. He was brought out for top-level fucking drug dealers and gangsters. What has he really done? Because that judge read my probation report, James. I was off-erowing for 20-odd years at that time. I have gone back into prisons to help prisoners. I've gone back out there, saved like fucking shit loads of my friends' lives, you're still in recovery today. He told me that he never heard a story like it, nothing short of...

1:12:35It seemed like he was on my side. He said, what has he done wrong? You admitted that you lost his license. Proceeds of crime were brought out for a man breeding a dog, it's brought out for drug deals, blah, blah, blah. He's gone, actually, my neighbours just had a letter of red setters. Does this mean they're liable for proceeds of crime? I thought, oh, fuck me, I'm going to do all right here. but they ended up hitting me wanted like quarter of a million quid on money that I've already paid tax on he's thought he was doing me a favor giving me the biggest discount he could I thought it's your court mate you fucking you've already said like basically let it be known that this isn't right fucking chuck it out he's giving me a discount where it got it down to 110 grand but under the proceeds of crime you got to pay that within three months or I would I went to prison for two years where it had gained 8 % interest a year.

1:13:26In that time, they would have come in, auctioned all my fucking houses off to get that 110 for peanuts, and then I'd have lost everything. So I've ended up paying it by the skin of my teeth. I thought, fuck you. I went out and bought a G-Wagon under investigation from Proceeds of Crime only for that reason, to go fuck you. bought this fucking new g-wagon and um i paid all the money up to the last day and there was 10 pence remaining i thought you fucking wait for that paid the 10 pence on the last day they've then gone into my bank how the fuck's he paid this money back he's gone through they they saw everything tallied up and like fucking where the money was from but then the bank is for fuck we've got a fucking top level criminal not a fucking dog breeder they closed all my bank accounts down without even telling me my fucking credit limit was through the roof after all this it fucking ruined me ruined me ruined my family i was looking at two years in prison still have to for what fucking breeding a dog a lot of top fucking level drug dealers jay you got mexican cartels involved in this game now you've got Colombian cartels you've got fucking gangbangers down in LA fucking gangbangers mafia people in fucking into this game involved in this game now and yeah it's fucking crazy what what they did to this little Mikey down in fucking Plymouth who's tried doing it alright it's fucking mad did you end up going to fight for England as well yeah Yeah, we went to a few games.

1:15:14Went to a few games. That was more like when I come back into it in the 2000s. And again, by then, it's so much fucking CCTV. It didn't seem to be much happening these days, to be honest with us. It's all changed, isn't it? Yeah. We definitely had the best days. Yeah. Fucking bang off back then. No cameras. Fucking. Everybody's a grass now, but even it's the fucking normal people who have their phones out as well. everybody's got ring doorbells everybody's a fucking snitch yeah and people get filled in for fucking fucking serious damage done when just being accused of that and they're forgetting that there's fucking cameras on every fucking lamppost cars it don't take much to get figured out today if you're up to something wrong you're going to get caught by a fucking doorbell you're going to get caught by a fucking lamppost but then like they'll start blaming fucking other people that probably hadn't even fucking said nothing you know what I mean where do you think you'd be in life if you never took gear but then again see when I think about it because I used to do all the gambling see if I never fucking took drugs and that as well gambling, it's all kind of saved my life as well because if I wasn't doing that shit and I had the mindset that I've got now I would have gradually went through the ranks of doing gear and where that just takes which is just a fucking disaster.

1:16:44You know, I couldn't level up because when I was getting graft, I would just fucking punt it to get the money to go and put a punt on in the bookies. Do you know what I'm saying? So everybody was getting bumped, but eventually if you build up that clientele, if you build up that trust, you'd have fucking, I'd have fucking smashed the ass out of it. But like I say, I've got to thank all the shit that I've done because it never made us get to those levels until I started sorting my own head out. And then I can move through the gears, obviously something more productive. But how far do you think you would have went if you never ended up on all the gear?

1:17:15It's like, um, it's hard to say. I probably became a fucking gambler. You probably come and add it. And, you know, we were probably, it's like, I would have probably still had to find something that fixed the way I was feeling. And, like, I can't see that coming by fucking getting a job. um but my experience is it's like people like with any addiction are fucking clever people always try like thinking 10 steps ahead of finding ways and means to like get the next bet on uh get the next drug um fucking hiding it lying devious blah blah blah like when when all that went and obviously what i was just saying all that like business acronym with with the with the french bulldogs i at one point i think they were saying that i had 114 frenchies obviously they're not in my fucking house i'll come up with a thing that they all use today breeding terms so i thought who wants a free dog everybody wanted one of these designer dogs have it for free but i want two letters from it they would have to do all the work so i thought it's a bit like the drugs you lay people on and they earn your money fuck i'll do it with the dogs so i started laying people on dogs and before i knew that i'd fucking 30 40 people all over the city that's got my dogs having six seven letters a fucking month sometimes so that business like when you deal with all that shit of experience of like when i'm thinking straight how well i can do and like like you said when you come off and now you're doing fucking amazing doing this doing like constructive stuff i've had it i've lived like a millionaire my family is and like it's all regretted i says to the wife today hey listen fucking at least we've experienced that fucking life maybe for five ten years a lot of people don't even experience it.

1:19:25So, all right, yeah, I fucked up. You know what I mean? I've had to fight to stay alive for the last probably five years. But now I'm 13 months back. What I did then, if God willing, I can do again, moving on with a clear head once again. And that's why I've written that book, From Chaos to Clarity. Fuck me, I haven't even plugged that on here, James, have I? No. I fucking written the book, From Chaos to Clarity. um i've started the whole point of the book in my social media was to fucking help people i'm getting three four messages a day from addicts fucking mums of addicts kids of addicts fucking screaming for me to help them and and i'm getting hold of everyone i'm fucking getting out there it says careful what you wish for because you can fucking drive you nuts at times but i'm getting out there, I'm meeting people, I'm taking them to my groups, I'm fucking, um, like, mentoring them, and, um, that was the all-purpose of, of my buck, that was the all-purpose of me continuously posting on social media, it's fucking working, you know what I mean, and, like, with recovery, I only keep what I've got today, but I'm fucking giving it away, and helping others, Like, that keeps me proper on the straight and narrow, so it's been good, like, the response I've been getting.

1:20:50How was it fucking it again? Oh, fucking horrendous. Man, I used to, in the fucking Greece, I was fucking international speaker, mate. 15 years I was getting fucking taken to Denmark. I'm sharing at the fucking international Danish convention in Copenhagen just before lockdown, I'll get invited to be flown out to Australia. I would have had to have paid for the wife seven nights in the hotel in Adelaide. That was just before I fucking relapsed proper. So I fucked that up. But I had all this knowledge and all this wisdom and all this time. I used to hear people in the groups out of Goody, whatever you do, don't lose a lot of clean time or sobriety time five years ten years because it's fucking so hard to get it back once you've got all that like that time and i don't know why it is but i thought yeah yeah yeah i lost fucking 22 years it's unheard of probably in this country a lot most people don't even get to 22 years james let alone fucking get there and then fuck it right up so trying to pull that back it was fucking And I'd hear him, yeah, whatever you do, don't lose a lot of clean time or sobriety time.

1:22:13And trying to get that fucking back, mate, I thought I was going to die. Two people in the space of a year that was with me on a mad one, a year apart, both of them, phone calls in at Mike. Matt died last night. Mike. Mike died last night. Two people. And I thought I was going to be the next on that list. one person alright it happens two people that's two people dead that is in my company and I don't want people thinking I'm fucking Harold Shipman or something it's like but I fucking I realise the third person Jim Reaper yeah fuck you don't come on a mad one with mighty fuck you and you'll end up dead I still would fuck you I fucking miss it I say this all the time I don't know what that is because of the shit that I'm going through Right now and stuff Like I feel Like you miss it You miss the escape from it I don't do it I don't act on it But I do think Fuck me man I could go a mad one Because there's no better feeling It's a fucking weird feeling If there's fucking six Your friends in a gaff Sniffing Booze Tunes on Waffling shite You know Because when you're in that moment That's the only moment you're in You don't go Past or present You're there You're just in that fucking moment and then when the music goes down the lights come on you think what the fuck have I done you know what have I done and I think I do I miss when I say I don't want people to go oh fuck it I'm end up going on a mad one but I just miss the the fuck it I miss the not having the worries yeah just for that different sense of reality yeah it takes you to a different place where you think it's okay life's only okay obviously it's not when your fucking shit hits the fan and then you kind of continue you the misery chasing the buzz but i think fuck me i miss it yeah but that's the thing it's like me and you it's like mostly well obviously not at the end but you would fucking have a room full of people here and you'd be all on it they'll go on wake up monday morning go do their jobs fucking not affect them me and you are still fucking there a week two weeks fucking later kicking the ass out of it, can't stop, ruining everything, fucking pushing the people that we love the most away from us, but all our pals, they're fucking getting on with it, fucking, but people like, when you got this illness, we can't, and like, that's what I'll remind myself of, yeah, fucking miss it, I had some great fucking times, the rave days, fucking, um, on the sniff, uh later on like the second part in recovery still had some good times even but fuck me those bad times that that waking up is that mental fucking turmoil that like how the fuck did i get here again how can i stop and um the consequences um yeah I've got to remind myself of that and like fuck I'll work hard at my recovery today I'm fucking working with other people all the time that I've got a program out of works in my life I've got to fucking stay on guard with this fair play for getting back on it because I always say this I don't think I haven't got another recovery in me now my story is just the same as every other every other fucking kid who has a few beers at the weekend and is on the sniff you know like it's not Thankfully I was never on the heroin or that But when you're on that sniff And then the valiums kick in And then the weed Kind of during the weed process And you're going through that cycle It is tiresome But if I was to hit the booze man Then I would think Fuck it, it's done now I'll just stay on it I don't think I would get back Because I just think I've came so far And it becomes tiresome as well See having a normal life It's fucking hard See when you've got nothing You have nothing to worry about Obviously when I say that I had my kids And I tried to do I became a better dad for them But When you're on it And you've not got anything Sometimes you think Sometimes you're oblivious To the real world And what Because it takes a lot For people to just get up and work You know And take the pressures And pay their bills on time And make sure everybody's okay That's a lot for people That's a lot of stress So see when you're sitting With fuck all It's easy You know You've got fucking nothing To worry about You're selfish as fuck anyway and you just don't care but so you've changed your life you've met your missus you've had kids and you fucked it yeah fucked it right me dad I'm laughing because it's what happens I know people who's been to GA meetings 42 years and they fucking started again fucking 42 years never had a bet since the fucking 80s fucking lost it all changed his life had like 5 kids he's got grandkids 42 years and fucked it fucked it he was on it for like 3 years lost everything again 42 years you're never you're never you're never immune to it you're never it's always that it's it's it's one it's follow up it's following up in one negative thought towards it can change your whole fucking life yeah and and like that's that's why every day i'll try and keep in fit spiritual condition because you hear that thing it's like when i'm a fucking sleep my addiction is at the bottom of the fucking bed fucking bench pressing fucking weights doing push-ups and star jumps waiting for me to wake up to fucking jump right on me and if i don't start my day off right and and end it right it's like fucking get me any any any time it's like this is an illness that will fucking it convinces you that we ain't got it it's the only illness that you can have that will tell you you ain't fucking got this illness and um it's a fucking illness that unlike cancer you somebody's got cancer everybody's sorry from everybody's running around from rightly so everybody's fucking absolutely are broken and can't do enough to help them when you got this fucking illness james every fucker hates you every fucking despises you they resent you, and you're left alone, like, fucking in bewilderment, in despair, thinking, like, like, fucking, how the fuck is this?

1:28:54And you're trying to rationalize it, thinking, I don't want to be like this, I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm not doing this because, like, I've got a choice, I've got, I'm doing this because I've got a fucking illness that convinces me, no matter how bad it gets the next one's going to be different i'll control it this time that prison center i'll learn from that yeah good idea and then you'll be try it again and fucking boom it may go well for a while maybe i'll keep it but sooner or later we'll always fucking overstep that line where we're like fucking how the fuck is this happened again and then we start another battle like i say i fucking had to start after 22 years i didn't think i was going to get back literally it was 10 times harder than when i come into recovery in 97 why i don't know because i've got more to lose today james i've got the wife i've got a couple houses i've i've i've got more to lose today than i had when i come in 97 and yet i couldn't i'd never had to stop for nobody but me in 97 this time you think it'd be easier because i'm on the verge of losing me fucking beautiful wife my beautiful girls everything that i and yet i couldn't and like i don't know why the fuck that is it was probably what's the fucking point anyway i'm 54 years old You had a good run And Oh mate I fucking found it so hard To fucking grab that And pull that back And I was And then It's the self-sabotage though When life is going good And you just rip the whole Fucking ceiling down Fuck it I've already done it So fuck it Those two words alone Have destroyed Fucking half the world That Fuck it Like people want to go home I've got work in the morning I say fuck it Yeah, for the people, yeah, you're right You know, the amount of people I've had the sacked And relationships broken down Because I've tried to get them to stay out that extra day or two People could sleep gouch I'm fucking buzzing I need to control the music, the gear I'm fucking like an orchestrator I feel as if I'm fucking Taking hostages Yeah, just fuck what, fuck this And people, yeah I would get in their fucking heads What are you worried about?

1:31:22You live fucking once And there's people in the jail Doing 30 years There's people dying in the hospital but you're worried about a hangover? Fucking like it. Yeah, fuck it. And they go, yeah, you're right. Before you know what, they're buzzing around for another two days. Lost their job, lost their missus. But yeah, we had good laughs. Mate, I'm fucking... Literally exactly the same. I'll be at a pub. Somebody will come in that I fucking knew at school. Got a good job. Never been in trouble in their life. Fuck me, mate. He's gone. Fucking stories I've heard about you since leaving school. You're fucking mental.

1:31:56Yeah, well, sit down, tell me another story about me. Yeah, I'll get a drink. Come the end of the night, I've got him in Union Street, getting filled in, getting arrested by the fucking police. Because I've took an hostage and literally, no, you're coming with me. No, just one more. Come down this fucking park and take, and then I'll always end up, and then the poor fucker's necked. And the poor fucker, like you say, the missus has then left him. the kids look at him in disgust all because he's fucking bumped into me or you it's like fuck you what's the worst it's that Dr Peppers isn't it come out with it what's the worst that could happen fucking probably be on a murder charge you know what I mean it's like that could have happened a few times you know what I mean whacking people and how they've gone down why do you think you're still alive?

1:32:52mate like our things about that that often. Like, I believe that there's something out there. I brought me fucking neck. I went down there the other night. I brought my neck two summers ago. I thought it was a good idea to jump off a 15... dive headfirst off a 15-foot pier into three foot of water. I didn't think it was three foot. I thought it was fucking six foot. But when I caved all the top of me head in, brought me head. I was watching the Olympics at the time I mean, Tom Daley was fucking, I thought, I'll have a bit of that. Three people said, mate, don't go off there. That's fucking way too shallow.

1:33:29I thought, fuck off, mate. Watch this. You know what I mean? Big man. Watch this, mate. I'll fucking show you. Fuck me. Gone in, smashed, caved all my head in. Jumped up out the water, looked down. The water was up to me knees. And when I went to the hospital, they've gone, we've had people fall off a chair in a fucking quadriplegic from the neck down. you've dived out first into a fucking puddle, and you fucking walk back to the car, you drove to fucking... And I thought, fuck me, I should have been dead. That was a month after getting out of hospital. We went Bristol City away, this fucking dickhead from Plymouth come bouncing down the road, pinned me in the fucking nose, split me nose open.

1:34:20so I've ended up cracking a mat, oh I've detached two tendons off me shoulder, I was fucking fuming, he's fucking gone to sleep, I've gone, fuck, a few days later mate I was in agony, absolute agony, and so I ends up getting sepsis, I'm in hospital for three weeks linked up to intravenous things, and a lot of people when you get that sepsis they don't come out of fucking hospital where they lose limbs and all that that was in the space of 12 months I've had fucking sepsis no it's a couple of months after I got out from that I've then dived headfirst into a puddle and fucking broke my neck and caved my head in and that's in one fucking month But these things have happened throughout my fucking life in close situations where I thought, how the fuck are you still here?

1:35:21How have you got away with all that? Whether it's belief in like this, like a fucking, something looking over me. It's like, I shouldn't be here today. And I think the only reason why I'm here today is something's looking after me because, like, I've helped a lot of people. in them 22 years and i guess fuck me two people died with me in in that 12 months like it wasn't me though it's like why have i been saved it's like ah so like that's what's reinforcing what i'm doing more today because i know all right i relapsed after 22 years if i relapse again now james that's going to be even harder again because like fuck me i don't I think I would die, like you said.

1:36:13I know I've got another relapse in me, 100%. But I know also that I probably ain't got a fucking another recovery in me. You know what I mean? I'm lucky to have this one 13 months down the line. And it's fucking frightening to live with that as well, James. Every day, people don't realize when we wake up, we're fucking battling to stay alive every fucking single day of the week. you know what I mean normal people ain't got that battle and like I know how quick this fucking addiction can take you destroy you and kill you and um I know what I need to be doing like every fucking day now whatever I've done yesterday works so if I do what I've done yesterday today I just try and keep it as simple as that I don't try to morbidly fucking worry and stress out about it.

1:37:07Like, I take it a day at a time. I'm working with others to make me, like, fucking grateful for where I'm at today by helping these people. And I don't want my fucking book to be called from fucking chaos to calamity. I want it to stay from chaos to clarity. You know what I mean? Because imagine that. I don't want another chapter to that fucking book. It's like, oh, fuck you. I can't put the end. At the end of the book, I can't put the end. I don't fucking know if it will be the end, with my track record. But I'm hoping it is the fucking end. And I can just, like, fucking stay on this, because this is a fucking serious illness.

1:37:52You know what I mean? A serious fucking illness. The amount of coffins I've carried at funerals, the amount of funerals I've been to. This is in Little Plymouth. You know what I mean? which you were it's like I've lost count it's like fucking it kills people it's scary man living with that every day it's scary like Charlotte a good girl fucking had on a few months ago crack addict she used to call them snowballs thankfully that was never around snowballs crack heroin she was in Thailand just a few weeks ago and she was struggling she was saying listen I'm fucking close to a relapse but her phone doesn't say listen get your fucking head out your ass you've came that far sometimes sometimes it's the phone calls when people are just giving you it straight sometimes we can people can tiptoe around you and try and be nice but sometimes people say listen fucking head out your ass listen stop feeling sorry for yourself it's game time and such a great woman and fucking she's what she's overcoming yeah she was struggling and yeah i gave her a phone call i think she's in cyprus now other few kids who have changed their life and it's great to see sometimes we just get that in our minds and i was never fucking heroin and all the other mad stuff.

1:38:56I was just the gambling and the Charlie. But I just know life is better without it, but it doesn't make it easier. But bro, I tell you what, I've got one of my best oldest mates, Erwin, I had it fucking psychopathic, I got nicked with on that West Ham thing. He's a gambler as well. And he said the one addiction he's got that fucks him up more than heroin, more than crack, more than anything, is the gambling. I can't relate because I'm not a gambling addict, but I've seen Paul Merson talk about it, and then I heard my mate talk about it. So it's like, and when my mate, this fucking nutcase, is telling me the addiction that fucks him up the most, more than all that, is gambling, And then that made me open my eyes and thought, I could imagine, I can imagine how it feels.

1:39:57Because if I spend all my money on drugs and I'd have all the bail money, all the family's money and all that, I can imagine how it'd feel. But fucking gambling is a bastard, mate. It's a hidden addiction. Yeah. So gambling, you can hide. You can still do your shit. You take care of when people know you're on it. You're drinking, people know. Yeah. People would still, you'd probably still take fucking heroin if people didn't know. You just can't hide that gambling. You can hide to a certain extent before the anger kicks in, the frustration. Obviously, the money runs dry. But people are battling at all different levels, all different sort of addictions.

1:40:36It's the way of the world, you know? It's hard for people not to be doing something. You know, even coffee. I know people are fucking rattling seven and eight coffees a day. I see a class, that is an addiction. A class, that is a problem. I'm fucked in. When did you take? I never had a hot drink in my life up until the age of 50. And then I thought, I'll try a coffee. I fucking wakes up. I put four heaped teaspoons of coffee in this big fucking mug when I wake up. And then, like, I'll do whatever I've got. And then in the afternoon, round about tea time, if I'm flagging a bit I'll have another coffee with another four heaped teaspoons of coffee in so that's like the equivalent of eight fucking coffees a day but I'm telling myself I'm only having two coffees a day one in the morning one in the evening but it was only when you just said that I don't know people that has fucking eight coffees a day yeah I'll fucking do in two cups yeah that's another problem I was doing the ayahuasca in Costa Rica I was off it People are saying Listen you shouldn't be doing that It's a drug But I've got the documentary idea So I'm thinking three pass I'm thinking I don't give a fuck What anybody says So I went and done ayahuasca There was people drinking a little cup A quarter Half Just to get into the field I took one 20 minutes later I think This is fucking shite This is just pure shite We're up and took another one And then another one So I had three cups Bear in mind People's only had that half They feel like I've got three They had to carry my mattress Outside I was sitting out in a fucking garden I woke up in the morning with two dogs So bear in mind there's 50-60 people in this room All dressed in white, shamans Fucking the lot I woke up in the morning with two dogs next to me Everybody just fucked They must have lifted my mattress up Pooking outside Because I kept laughing And they said it was Like it was destroying Not destroying but Taking away everybody else's process And they called me the laughing Scotsman So I kept laughing but it was infectious because other cunts would laugh.

1:42:44I'm laughing because I'm nervous and I'm tripping balls. So I woke up outside, but again, that was that mindset. Fucking greedy. Three cups, three cups more. It worked better. Yeah. I want to feel something and yeah, I couldn't even do that right. Mate, I can get like it on Red Bull. There's one time if they're on offer over the shop, eight pack for, I'll buy two packs because you've got to get them while they're on offer. Eight pack, two eight packs, 16, the next day I've got six cans left. I've had 10 fucking Red Bulls in a day. And it's like, I've had to like, wait a minute. Yeah, that's bad, mate.

1:43:23Yeah, that's fucking a lot of Red Bull. And, but I don't, I don't think, I don't know if it affects me. I can have Red Bull. Literally, I'll have a can of Red Bull 10 minutes before I go bed fucking sleep like a baby and and uh coffee's different like if i have a coffee too close that's why i'll have it at tea time there's four fucking heaps teaspoons in there but i don't even know if that effect affects me or whether it's a placebo effect of thinking it's got to do something yeah it'll definitely do something to your internal but you've obviously been through that much with all the shit that you've took the body will be solid to a lot of stuff that you take so because you've been taking that much drugs caffeine and that it's not going to hit you the same you know what I mean because of the fucking brain and all the receptors that you fucking damaged so I don't know do you vape or do you smoke?

1:44:22fuck me mate I sleeps with it I fucking I goes running with it I goes running with it I won't I won't vape when I'm running but my head said what if you feel like a vape when you're running take it in your pocket like a comfort blanket so i'll never vape but i've got to have it on me i'll go bed mate i'll put that in between my missus and me i'll be cuddling that more than i cuddle my missus right i'll wake up three and o 'clock in the morning for a piss i'm fucking like that i'm fucking searching madly in the dark for where's me vape where's me vape i've done a post the other day my healthier but unhealthy relationship with my vape fucked up and i stopped smoking 14 years ago i brought a friend into recovery still with us today 10 13 years and um he turned up at a meeting with a vape i had a fag for like 10 14 years when when my youngest daughter was born oh well then vapes like jock from um kirkoldy lives down our way one of me best mates well then vape sleep mark yeah yeah they're all right pal i said yeah let's have a go on it oh yeah fuck me tastes nice that does don't it from that day onwards i'm fucking here now with a fatter vape and like i'll get addicted to fucking anything like my missus It's like, if aspirin, paracetamol, it's like, I don't know why.

1:46:07I won't get addicted to that. You can't get a buzz off it. But anything that fucking slightly changes you, I've got a problem with. It's fucking hard because another one was food. Like fucking fat kid fucking fixed me feelings from like what was happening at home with fucking food. Battled my weight all my life. I've lost seven stone in the last 12 months. You've got on the Minjaro or anything, have you? At the start, when I was coming off the pre-gabs and all that, I was 21 stone, fucking no energy. I heard about them, and I thought, I'll start having a few of them to get me in good habits early.

1:46:49You're still injecting. Yeah. It would say, take 0.25. fuck it he ain't got a fucking clue it's like more tolerance so i'll start fucking injecting a 0.5 double the amount because i can't fucking take anything as prescribed but that that gave me a kickstart into like getting a healthy like getting into like better habits and good habits and and and lose a bit of weight and then like i started thinking fuck me i'm feeling a bit lighter I got paralyzed foot. Never thought, I always box, play football. Never thought I'd run again after that. And I tried a little jog and then I started getting out.

1:47:37That's where I do all my posts, like when I get out. And in the 12 months, the Munchara and that got me in the good habits, enabled me to lose enough weight to be able to go do that. And then 12 months later, I've lost seven stone. and I'm like a marathon man now James, I'm out there, Usain Bolt, Mo Farah, got nothing on Nike mate. But that's the, even because of the Red Bull and the Minjaro and the vaping, there's no stopping you. But then again, it's not as bad as heroin. So we've got that G pass. I'm okay. I'm still functioning. But everything is a form of an addiction anyway, whether that's overthinking, overeating.

1:48:21I struggle with my eating. I eat my emotions if I'm going through shit because I don't want to drink if I drink people are in trouble if I drink I will fucking go nuts I've bottled up so much shit over the last 10 years I will go fucking nuts and that's not the act of I just know I would fucking blow you know what I'm saying I would be on fucking Instagram lives I would be going to cunts doors I would be fucking causing that because I'm already holding it together by not doing it once you do it it's fucking game well I'll just go nuts man but the eating comfort food I'm eating at fucking 10 11 at night I'm not even hungry I just it's the the word to brain in it it's to feel good but I'm the same as you I can't I wouldn't take steroids or all the other shit of the Manjaro because I wouldn't do what the doses are I would go tenfold you know I would think fuck this that's why Mandy Margaret was an alcoholic god rest her soul but she quit booze but she ended up fucking on diet coke drinking 20-30 cans a day mate that was another one with me diet coke and Red Bull I'll get a crate of Diet Coke and they're probably gone within 24, within 2 days it's like I don't know I don't know if it's the fizz or if it's the caffeine and that but even Diet Coke fucking that was way before like Red Bull, obviously you can't drink Red Bull all day and all night, so but Diet Coke you can, I'll finish one that's in the bin, I've got to have another one open and i'll finish that one i gotta have another one open even with diet coke and all these fucking peptides out now i'm fucking getting the clove i'm getting the fucking melanotan i'm getting the fucking uh retta i'm getting the fucking trisepatoid i'm getting the um the tessamoralin and i like like thinking what the fuck are you doing you're banging fucking 10 different fucking peptides into you it's like fucking slow it the fuck down so like fucking literally gotta watch everything whether it's fucking diet coke whether it's coffee whether it's red whether it's fucking tanning jabs whether it whether it's fucking um slimming jabs or fucking anti-aging fucking peptides or or whatever it is because i can't fucking stop and like fucking it's like that buzz fuck me yeah I'm looking good yeah but you could look even better if you take more so you're banging more into here because you're thinking fucking you want to look even better than and it's like fuck's sake that's tiresome in itself yeah you know the things that you think aren't as bad as heroin trying to control that but with you it seems as if nothing's in control oh man no it seems as if you're all you're just fucking all it's not all or nothing you're just all out man yeah but you're feeling good now oh mate I'm top of the world and even the running the last eat wave if I miss a day I'll do my own head in oh you fucked it now mate yeah this always happens you start off well but then yeah you start missing one so I thought well I've got to get out this fucking my head's like ruining me I've got out I does this ill quote that I've named Bastard Hill and um in the middle of the heat wave in the middle of the afternoon because my head's telling me if i don't do it you fucked it up like like fucking i need to do get out every day to feel better i'll fucking held onto a wall at the top literally like i was gonna pass out some lovely woman across the roads i had to send her daughter out worried that i was gonna die and um bring me a two liter bottle of water i'm trying to get that down me puking it up i don't know if it was fucking heat exhausting or just fucking plain stupidity of going out in fucking 100 degree heat but um again it's like i've got no nothing no sensible thinking when it comes around like getting a balance around things like just fucking like take it easy a bit like fucking don't drink as much fucking coke or have too many coffees or red bull don't have to go running in the fucking when it's like a desert it's like you do but my head will tell me all different stuff to normally make me do things that are fucking bad for me but sometimes it'll tell me not to do stuff like going out for the run in the heat wave but where i'm so used to my head tricking me i don't know what's fucking telling the truth and what i'm telling the truth it's like wait yeah don't go out yeah you should go out because if you don't this is how it all starts you'll miss the next day you miss the next day put all your weight on you get fat as fuck you're going back on air and you'll be dead Huh What side So I don't know What's fucking telling me The right And I guess we just Fucking learn the more Like Pain's a good fucking Persuader isn't it Normally That's tiresome though And you're not I thought my nut Was fucking bad Yeah You know Yeah mine's fucked You know With the coffee And the Red Bull Like that ain't good bro No But then again From where your life And what you've done Is it as bad As what you used to do Of course not You know If it's keeping everything sort of tamed Then it's obviously working for you You know That's how I'll fucking justify it Yeah Fuck it Ain't that bad You know what I'm saying A few coffees, a few Red Bull A few Diet Codes A couple of peptides A bit of Manjaro A bit of fucking fake tan Fucking easy Running in fucking 100 degree heat Fuck it That's nothing You're a fucking machine You're invincible Nothing's going to kill you Fuck it What's your biggest regret?

1:54:30biggest regret heroin heroin fucking took me to places that yeah taking heroin for the first time gotta be my biggest regret took me to places that like you see films and shit like on it and documentary but in that fuck it, it's the darkest place I've ever been. And unless you've been there and like being around them people and people dying and fucking battling every day is fucking terrible. Are you sharing needles? Yeah. Yeah. Sharing needles. When I went into recovery, 97, I heard that 70 % of heroin addicts that inject got hepatitis, hep C. So I thought, fuck it. My mate I just met in recovery, he's come to the hospital with me to have the blood test and they've done it.

1:55:40And then you've got to wait like a week or two through the results. And when I heard like 70%, I thought, fuck me, I've got that. God, I've got at least hep C and fucking hopefully I ain't got HIV. and I've gone back to get the results, the nurse that took the thing, I've said, you know what I'm doing? She's gone like that and walked off. I thought, for fuck's sake, I've got AIDS! Fuck! She couldn't look at me! She couldn't fucking look at me! Goes into the room, said, you're clear. Fucking didn't have nothing. And so, yeah, use needles, share needles. yeah not in prison or never not in prison or never fuck that but bits of fucking rope tied to the plunges and fucking the end of the fucking needle looked like an hammer and it's like fucking you know what fucking but people do James in prison that that needle they fucking they they they charge to use that needle and like fucking never in prison but out here i have what's the difference really in it would you ever take crack yeah i have done yeah i have done and that became the same problem as i got with red bull fucking couldn't stop or coffee or any other drug that any other but it's funny that you say that anything that gives you a slight slight sort of buzzer takes you away or gives you a high you're just automatically going autopilot and just fucking smash it fucking slightest little better feeling i'm fucking wrong and it's fucking it is hard work like no like thinking what you what you are saying but i'll just try like anything from the chemist now as long as it's like over the counter stuff but you've got to be careful with that because like you can get painkillers over the counter that's got 12 milligrams of coding in 30 box of 36 i'll come off everything and then the over counter stuff i'm taking 36 fucking urofen plus a day so i can't even have over the counter stuff in the chemist now because i'll kick the ass out of that so and it's like the red bull like fucking that's all right the coffee that's all right diet coke that's all right but like above that like over the counter stuff in in in the them things in all right yeah i think for you i think like coffee and that yes it's a bit over the top but for your tolerance I think it's okay because it keeps you away from the other stuff I think pharmaceutical drugs it's just as fucking bad as heroin and coke you know they just put labels on it did you ever take fentanyl?

1:58:45oh mate fuck we went to Turkey we were fucking for me daughter my back went and I've never old deed I'm starting to think you jump off these cliffs and fall off ladders and fuck your back so you can get those pharmaceutical drugs I'm starting to think that's one of your wicked plans It was pretty It was shallow waters but you thought, fuck it I'm going to get a dose of morphine in here Yeah, yeah, probably right That probably was the case in Turkey My back went and had to get a doctor in Went to the chemist Didn't know what the prescription was It was all in Turkish Turned out it was fentanyl patches so my missus is staying with me daughter up the hospital i'm in the hotel room thought fuck me i've heard of these fentanyl if i put two fentanyl patch not one two put two fentanyl patches in a cup of soup that will release all the fentanyl in one go i should get a nice buzz off that fuck me i've drank this cup of soup with two fentanyl patches in for 10 minutes i started feeling fucking nice and then bang fucking lights out they found me this was at eight o 'clock at night they found me one o 'clock the next afternoon unconscious on the in my hotel room on the floor i must have tried getting out i must have flew across the in the corner of a fucking cabinet, it's stuck right in the cheek of my ass, ripped all the muscle.

2:00:25I couldn't stand because of that. They've had to rush me to hospital, where they give me a Narcan fucking jab, to try and bring me around. And I look back, and I think, my missus's fucking birthday it was as well. She still don't let me fucking get away with that. Yeah. And... How the fuck did I survive that? to be lights out after 10 minutes and still like that the next afternoon. It's like, how the fuck didn't my heart stop in that hotel room? Fucking, that was frightening. What made you fucking put it in hot water? Is it jail that's done that? No, we used to do it with like the drugs back in the day.

2:01:11You'd like put things like patches in it. the boiling water will, instead of being time released, it releases it all. So I don't know how fucking much fentanyl I had, but it fucking wiped me right out, nearly killed me, fucking destroyed me arse cheek, nearly ruined me fucking marriage. Do you know what I said, though? I said I jumped in the shower. I only had one patch on, on me arse cheek. I jumped in the shower. It must have been the hot water from the shower that like seeped through and released it into me. And then like fucking, I don't know whether they believed it, but like I ended up telling me, it slipped out talking to her mates.

2:01:55Yeah, I put two of them in a fucking cuppa suit. And she's, I thought, oh no, she's gone. You said it was from the shower. I thought, fuck. And I just got honest with her. But again, why didn't I put one in and, or cut one in half and put half of one in just to test the water. Why didn't I walk out in the sea to see how deep it was when I had that great idea of fucking diving off that pier? Like, why don't I fucking think, like, what's going to be good for me and what's going to be bad for me? It's like... They say if you can learn to laugh at yourself, you'll be amused for the fucking rest of your life.

2:02:43And I'm fucking certainly laughing today anyway. And I probably will laugh for the rest of me life. And it's like fucking. It's been fucking madness. Sometimes that's all you can do is laugh. Fucking yeah. Obviously with your story and obviously what you've overcome and what you've been through with your dad and just chasing that constant buzz. do you think you'll ever be clean of everything or do you think you just came that far where you kind of got to have a balance somewhere with taking something i've got to be clean from all mood and mind altering drugs whether it's alcohol prescription or illegal it's like i've got to be clean clean from from all that um but the other stuff is like i'll try and like keep it moderate on on the red bull and um all that sort of stuff but i ain't gonna beat myself up for that but it's like anything like like i say anything like uh like when i was on the heroin you end up getting a needle fixation i'm injecting vodka i'm injecting fucking horse tranquilizers dog tranquilizers anything that you you think like can change the way you feel and like obviously what we've talked about today, all the way through fentanyl patches, putting two in a fucking cuppa suit, fucking nearly killed me.

2:04:05Error in, fucking ecstasy. Any fucking drug that is put in front of me, if I take it, I'm going to be in serious trouble. So as long as I can just stay away from that, then like I'm in with fucking half a chance. As soon as I pick up anything like that, I'm fucking gone. I don't think I'll get back the next time. that's scary though isn't it yeah yeah to what you've already overcome man years and years and then back and then like you say the coffee and the red bull that's fuck all nah do you know what I'm saying eight coffees it's bad for people who don't drink that's why I don't drink coffee because that would be ten coffees eight coffees I'd be chasing something that fucking buzz creatine I can't take fuck all nah I can't take fuck all sugar's the biggest that's the only one I can't master that's the only one I can't take control of and that annoys me because I've mastered everything else I took control of everything else the food I was fucking eating I even come down the train last night it was food food food the guy's like you want any more yeah give me that because first class now we're big time not a man it's pasta the kid must have known I'm going that fat bastard says we've got cheese plates and that left I said he's giving me two fucking eating crackers eating cheese and I'm not even hungry I don't know if it's boredom or what it is it just it makes me feel good for those two or three minutes and I eat fast You know People can be still On their starter man I can rattle free courses You know People need to start I think Fucking hurry up And eat your soup man So I can get my main People The little spoon I pick the bowl up The rest of you And fucking drink Do you know what I mean I have like a Fucking Bits of bread Gives a another portion of bread I just don't know Where it is I believe I will master it But I struggle with it I fucking enjoy it And people say Stop being so hard on yourself But I'm always hard on myself I always feel as if can be doing more can be doing better can be a better person because we're all fucking liars I don't give a fuck how much we try and be honest that's a form of manipulation us talking about addiction and that and change it's all bollocks as well but yeah it's the one thing I fucking struggle with and like you I'm the same as you where like I'll give that fucking like you give that girl the fucking brutal honest truth you know what I mean it's like people like us I don't want fucking people like there there there don't be too hard on yourself it's all right fucking sympathy kills people like me it's like I need to be fucking told the truth you know whether it's going to hurt my feelings or not you know I mean I need somebody strong behind me it's like normally if I know it's a problem it is a fucking problem and I don't really want people whether I'm looking for justification and to keep doing what I'm doing but it's fucking no good for me it's like I think a lot of it is like getting honest with yourself and like if something isn't feeling right within then it probably is a fucking problem that we've got to think right I know I've got to be wanting to slow down, moderate, or stop, but when we get to that point that we want to 100 % and we want to put it right before anything else, that's the only time we can start to fucking gain a victory over it.

2:07:32Yeah. So what's happening with the book then? I've been waiting on these publishers and fucking, I've been offered three contracts. of these i didn't know there's different types of publishing i've been offering free contracts on these hybrid ones where you got to donate to contribute to the making and marketing of the book i thought fuck that i fucking donated enough in fucking blood sweat fucking nearly death into writing writing a story so then i've sent it to these traditional and wait i've been waiting six months i don't even know if they may have just chucked it in the bin or so i don't know it takes but you can self-publish as well.

2:08:12And that's what? Because the publishers only give you like 10%, 15%. You don't really make fuck all. That's what I was talking about. You can get publishers that are maybe not as big as the biggest publishers out there, but you've got people who can maybe give you 30%. A little way on their upfront, you get a percentage of the book. But a lot of these publishers take the rights of the book and give you 10%, 15%. And if you turn the book into a movie or a documentary, they also get to keep that yeah there's so much small print there's so much fuckery with these big publishers but just to have a book out and telling your story i think it could benefit a lot as well yeah and um but you can sell publish ai put your stuff through ai get everything spot on and yeah you can put it on amazon yourself i'm sure people have spoke about it before but um i'd not 100 but i think they can i've got all the files the book's been done through uh chat GPT and all that.

2:09:09And, uh, over the last couple of months, people that's had stories published, um, self-published, um, somebody at my group who's a professor in AI and all that, he has, he's had poetry published, and they, four people in the last month, self-published, self-published, so I think that's a sign. I'm, I may eat the professors away on holiday. Soon as he gets back, I'm fucking jumping on it, getting it done on the Amazon or whatever. I'm getting hundreds and hundreds of people constantly messaging me like, when's your buck, when's your buck? And so it's been frustrating as fuck waiting, really. Yeah, but you'll get there.

2:09:50Look how far you've already overcome. So you've just got to keep fucking keep sane in this mental world. But sometimes I question are we the fucking problem, brother, you know? Oh, definitely. We are the problem, yeah. The problem isn't the drink, the drugs, the fucking gambling, the sex or the food or whatever. The problem fucking centers up here. I'll know that for sure today. It's like I've done something to change this thinking, my attitude, outlook upon life. Again, after fucking 22 years, it worked. So I've not changed that. I've just thrown myself in because I know it can work for another 22 years or more.

2:10:28And all the dealers, all the fucking offies, or all the betting shots is out there today but i don't go to them because that's changed james it's like i had to change that because the drink and the drugs into the problem and the problem centers in my mind that'll fucking constantly fucking trick me and like i'll get up in the morning i'll pray i'll read my books i'll do all my prayers i write gratitude lists normal people don't have to do their it's naturally ingrained in normal people they've got all these things anyway i've got to work fucking hard i've phoned people up i work with newcomers i go to groups i fucking to stay alive to fucking stay alive that's that's why i do these things i ain't doing like podcasts i ain't rent this book i ain't doing all the posting that i'm doing on like the facebook tiktok you know all that because i'm some fucking gandhi or something i may have the tan and the bald head but that's as far as it goes it's like i'm doing this to fucking keep my self alive you know what i mean and like hopefully work with others and uh it's spiraled a bit in a good way and it's done done me well and like i'll continue doing it and uh hopefully people can think fuck me if he's done it because that's how i've done it like in the first 22 years they all know me in plymouth and uh that's how i got so many people in and out saved their fucking lives I know I can do that again But you can't transmit something That you ain't got yourself And today I know I've got it back I'll keep working at it I'll keep trying I'll keep trying to help others And like the rest of it It's out of my hands Yeah that's it And the thing about being an addict It doesn't just have to be a bad day It doesn't have to be Something's happened Where we create that excuse You could be feeling fucking amazing Yeah And you'll tend to go Do you know what Fuck it I'm going to do it Because the brain will trick you You can do it now you're feeling good you're in control before you know a year passes by two years passes by three years passes by and you're back to square one where you just can't get out the brain is such a fucking weird little instrument organ muscle whatever the fuck it is it plays tricks and like you say you wake up every morning and you're battled for a full hour to try and keep sane to try and just go on with one day yeah fucking yeah and like you said just now it's uh you can be fucking doing well you can be feeling on top of the world not a cloud on the horizon and then yeah but you know what will make you feel fucking even better and 10 times better put a drug on top of how well you've done today and you'll be fucking transported into fucking heaven automatically you think yeah fuck me good idea do it and then fucking like you say a year later or whatever quicker than that you've lost a fucking lot you're on death's door and like you're thinking how the fuck did that happen again i was doing so well it was like and now i fucked it up again my dad used to say i was like frank spencer like fucking everything that i've done or he called me king midas except everything that i'll touch turn to shit and not go and they i still hear his voice today god bless him michael you're nothing but a schmack head and i remember going florida once with a detox right down off the methadone to like half a mil like literally nothing soon as i got to america fuck me and i was off that methadone the craving was fucking horrendous and I'm in this parking lot with my family fucking from UK so like no signs I wasn't drunk I wasn't off me head I was fucking craving like it was the cleanest I've been for a long time and this person's walking uh around the car park collecting me dad's gone what what you collecting for there son he's gone uh addicts like your son i thought the fuck you fucking cheeky yank bastard you fucking me dad's gone he's fucking right michael ain't he he says you're nothing but a fucking schmacky yeah i thought how the fuck's like say we think like we can hide it and nobody else knows like like what we're going through or like what what problems like we got with substances gambling and all that but fuck this prick on the other side of the world they didn't even know me knew me and could look at me and to have the confidence to say addicts like your son like i thought fuck me so what's your plans for the future brother um like now like i've come out the other side of mental health the addiction they over come the disabilities that i've got i've i they are trying to be like a plumber and gas engineer and all that in and recovery the first time so i've still got that i've i've tried build on that also i'd like to like build on like the social media side um follow me page from chaos to clarity because i'm maxed out on the the personal one mikey dawson um i'd like to concentrate on that because if i if i can do that and not have to work and spend my time like trying to help people that would be a dream job for me um i've got other things planned like i'm like really good friends with my wife's lifelong friend from childhood i married a lord she's a lady got this fuck off great estate down in umst germans poor elliott they do mental festivals down there got faithless jesse j um uh razor light and all that and about months of salt so she's got like a huge estate down there 360 i like that maybe like try and work out do something down there with her like even if it's retreats or something like that there's opportunities there but i don't know i'll take things as it comes they say if you want to give God a laugh, tell him your plans for the next 12 months.

2:16:51And, um, that has been my experience. Like the dog thing come out of nowhere and like, then all of a sudden I'm fucking earning like millions of pounds is going through me hands. It's like, I don't know, um, what's going to like, like, happen. But all I know is like, if I keep doing what I'm doing, it's only going to be good, James. So take it as it comes, innit? That's it brother. For anybody watching that's in a life of struggle that can't get out, doesn't have any answers, what advice would you have for them? Um, listen, reach out and try and reach out to an addict, a gambler, um, an alcoholic who has found a solution to these problems, people with mental health, reach out to them.

2:17:42My experience is only an addict can help an addict an addict that's recovered can help an addict that is bang in in addiction it's like i can't open up to doctors yeah it may work for some people but not for a fucking addict the mob description it's like reach out um reach out to me it don't matter james this is a fucking universal illness like no matter where you are in the world I could speak to somebody in America, and I have been recently, and tell them what I've done, because these recovery groups, for whatever it is, is all over the world, and I can only tell people what's worked for me.

2:18:2722 years, I'm still 29 years off heroin, 29 years in recovery, all right, the last five has been fucking horrendous, but like i'm back today to the thing that worked all them years ago so reach out talk to people find out like fucking where you can go and um doctors for me they couldn't give me pills or medication to change how i thought up there like i had to fucking start believing in something bigger than me it don't have to be a religious thing it can be anything that i want it'd be as as it ain't fucking me because my best thinking will kill me it's like my best plans ideas will fucking destroy me and anybody that's close to me as well so let's fucking just take it as it comes how you feeling today brother fucking on top of the world fucking on top of the world let's get a big bag of fucking coke fuck off down so long they will fucking show up the cat how it's Hey mate you don't want to be using with me You know what happened to fucking the last two You don't want to be using with me brother Scottish can go Listen obviously I'm kidding on people Fuck's sake Or are we Listen I'm glad you're back on it brother You've clearly got a lot to give With your stories and what you've overcome Everybody has their battles and struggles You've went dark to dark places To try and find that light You've been back in those dark places found a light all we can do is keep trying and if we get back into darkness then listen all we can do is try and find that light and i'm sure there's plenty of people out there struggling who want to find some sort of answers or some sort of guidance you've lived a life first hand and you're still here to tell the tale which is a beautiful thing but i wish you nothing but the best for the future mikey boy and if you ever need me i'm only a phone call away brother yeah i appreciate that and same like what I was making you doing the great work that you're doing getting all these like transformational inspirational people on your stories to let people know there's a way out and keep doing it yourself because obviously I know you like you've had your struggles and and um yeah that's fucking all we can do that's the thing as well like I've not got a laptop here of reading motivational quotes because I repeat myself a lot and it's not because of the listener who's maybe watched a few and think he says that before.

2:20:56I'm only connecting with the guest. Hey, first time. Love those sneakers. Thanks. Depop. Got them cheap. Oh yeah? Okay. Downloading. There's loads on there. Wow. Wish I'd had this last week. I just paid full price for mine. Oh, right. And you can't get these ones anywhere. Find what you want for less on Depop. Oh, sneakers worn once. Excellent condition. This is U.S. Bank's Cozy Cash Formations with your chief financial playmaker, Fernando Mendoza. You are worthy of financial security. Budgeting is not restriction. It's freedom. You are smart. You are capable. You are giving your money a purpose.

2:21:48You are learning the language of saving. of growing, now streaming. Member FDIC Copyright 2026, U.S. Bank. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans. Because we're sharing stories.

2:22:30It's not about the audience watching. It says he says that a hundred times. I'm only interviewing. I'm only speaking with the person in front of me to understand and to make everything a more relaxed environment when you actually share your little wall stories together. So I know a lot of people may say, oh, he's fucking saying it again, but I can only talk my story. You know, and I connect more with the person when you just kind of share something. Do you know what I'm saying? it's not for the audience who's maybe listened a hundred times, it's just for the person I've only met for the first time.

2:22:57Yeah, mate, and in these groups, I repeat what I say three times a fucking week, because it ain't for people that's in the group, it's for that new man or woman that's probably just walked in there that first night, it's for them, it ain't for them other fuckers. It's important that I keep repeating myself, believe it or not, it's like whether they've heard it a hundred times a thousand times before yeah for you it's for that new man or woman that's walked in off the street that's fucking dying from addiction it's for them and them only so Mikey boy thanks for coming on a date I wish you nothing but the best for the future good luck and god bless brother yeah thank you James