Gang Wars - Steven Gerrard - Playboy - Actress Jennifer Ellison Tells Her Story

40:44I don't know like it was this weird like I was just in too deep like and just couldn't see a way out and was basically trying my best to stay afloat and to protect everything and doing absolutely terribly at it were you ever suicidal? probably yeah like I think there was times when

41:14I just thought like I couldn't cope anymore like I don't think you can you realise how terrified I was like I didn't come into Liverpool City Centre for about five years of my life didn't walk down the high street like and then when I got when I finished with them I was like walking down on the high street like shopping every day like oh my god because I didn't feel like I was going to be or short or I know it sounds really dramatic but like it was just crazy what I went through yeah that's a crazy life but I do understand it as well to know that people are too scared to leave because you're also scared for the person who's made that life happen you don't want anything to happen to them because if you're a good person you're scared to leave them because anything does happen you'd blame yourself but then again you don't really look after yourself so you're never really winning because if you leave you're still worrying if you stay there you're still worrying so it's a difficult situation to be in a lot of listen a lot of girls will relate to this as well a lot of people go through mental torture mental abuse physical abuse um and they can't leave because they're just so caught up with being programmed for five ten years told that I'm not good enough you'll never find anybody else you can't leave me they're just living in fear I was terrified for my family as well like he's always say like I'm gonna like do stuff to your mom and stuff like that if like and then you'd have a zed a zed down your face if you're ever left and like I was I was scared for that like I thought and it's like his mates his family I just thought they'll go and get my mum or they'll do something to my mum's house or did anything ever happen to your mum at that house no well I honestly believe if I'd left him then it would have like if it would have been me who was pictured with someone else or me who so I basically just had to live my life until thank god the news of the world were on him and they literally followed him for three days sat outside the hotel room had recordings of him and it was black and white who was he cheating with?

43:31a girl called Shalimar Wimble what name? what a fucking name who'd been with like John Terry and just one of those ones she used to come out to the embassy nightclub and like show-a-thon and stuff yeah one of those ones no offence to Shalimar yeah of course but she's been your saving grace she's my like hero out like literally how do you get help and come over that how do you go over that because your career did kind of have a standstill didn't it was that because of everything you went through this episode is brought to you by palm olive family time isn't just the big moments it's weeknight dinners sitting around the table everyone talking all at once so when the plates are empty and the sink is full use palm olive ultra palm olive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean.

44:22And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish to athletic-ish stuff like a half mile stroll. Get those steps in! Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Oh, the PTSD, oh, the what is it? because PTSD wasn't really spoken about, mental health wasn't spoken about then. No. What are you talking, 15 years ago? Over 15 years ago? I literally just had to take time.

45:01And I just didn't know who I was. I had to do a lot of building of myself back up because I was this mess, like, mess and like, terrified and didn't know who I was, didn't know what I wanted to do. and I had to rebuild myself and like take time for that and I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know if I wanted to do anything anymore. Not it made sense. How do you go from being a confident, strong, independent from a very young age to in an abusive relationship? When did it kind of take its toll? When was there telltale signs from it? Was it straight away? It was like six months, a year.

45:44Usually people can put the mask on for three months, six months. You think life is amazing. then the mask slips but you're already too invested because then you give people chance after chance after chance but when did it sink in okay this ain't normal I think it was when we actually we did split up like I think it still affects me now like like I really do think it still affects me now like people can't understand like why I'm so under confidence and even like auditions now I get an audition through and I'd rather like literally stab myself in the eyeball and go for it I'm so I've I used to be so confident like I could walk into any room sing for you dance for you do whatever you wanted and like now I'm just like I can't I can't I can't I really do think it's from that because I just stopped going into audition rooms completely stopped wanting to be put up for anything didn't answer the phone to me agent like so then getting back into it was almost too traumatic plus when you've lost your confidence yeah it's always going to affect you always going to affect you and it's but you learn to deal with it and it will make you stronger I believe this podcast will kick you on i believe you'll understand how great you are and the talent you have got to do something special you've done many special things this is just part of your story as crazy as it is it's still a fucking beautiful story it's still fucking madness because have you ever written a book no nothing so this is what i'm saying there are opportunities that arise you could fucking make a show about your life why not make money from it i love i want to do a really gritty like northern drama and muslims like jen you've got everything there to write it yourself like Saran Jones has written loads and he's like why don't you write like because I love bands of girls do you ever remember bands of girls like something like that and he's like just write it yourself you've got enough experiences that's what it is that's what it is listen you're fucking doing a podcast you've got plenty bottle plenty bottle you've came this far you're still here babe you're a fucking mother like I say this is why these long formats are important because people get a better understanding and the support that you'll get and then it's a case of you kicking on because we can't keep living in the past.

48:04No. It just drains us. It's constantly sad. My mum's lost two brothers to murder. I've fucking lost many people. Madness. And you do think about that because there's certain times you wish how far could I have went if I never went through all the trauma and pain that I would. But then I wouldn't be able to connect to people at a deeper level as well. So we can, it makes, it comes, it swings in both ways life. Good, bad, fucking whatever it is. And you've came through that much. Make money from your pain. make it success from it and fucking and laugh about it because it's fucking torture that is psychotic behaviour and you've got to laugh and think how fucking naive was I to be accepting AK-47s and chased with machetes because in that life because Liverpool's tough I always say I fucking love the Scousers there's something about the Scousers I can relate with the Glaswegians yeah definitely we're kinders we're not right in the head we're not we're tats like I said the misery and pain my family's been through and listen my family and friends have caused a lot of misery as well.

49:02So it's not a case I'm the victim, but it's the same kind of connections. We're all fucking wired wrong. We kind of just get through life and we seem to work better in chaos. When my life's gone too good, I think that ain't normal. If I've got chaos, it makes me work harder because I try and overcome it. We're never victims. Scousers, Glasswegians, we'll never be victims. But we are tapped on a whole different level. We're not right. We're not mentally. I don't know if the fucking poison of water down here or up there but there's something missing but we've also got hearts of gold, we've also got fucking loyalty and love as well and it's sad but even his life as well, how fucked up he must be to be normalising that life because I have friends the exact same whose girlfriend's cars have been blew up their shops have been blew up and all that and it's kind of normalised but it's school boy stuff, you shouldn't be harming anybody's fucking girlfriend or kids or mums or dad but we're living in a generation where it's all fucking pussies and everybody they talks like gangsters they ain't gangsters the gangsters don't be cutting about doing that schoolboy stuff but we we can glamorize that life as well because no matter who it is as well gen that's a turn on for some weird reason like all the girls who i grew up with loved the bad boys but before you know it they're getting beat their fucking husbands are in prison their boyfriends are in prison they become damaged because they've got all this easy stuff but it comes at a cost because they lose it all but then they try and chase it again before you know they've kind of been round the the fucking block and they could come damaged they've got kids to multiple men and it's sad that we we look into that life as a great life and a get out but it's not it's nothing but misery you've tested it first hand 100 % did you what was your friends in that scene?

50:46a lot of my friends became his friends girlfriends actually so it was just normalised it was normalised you couldn't talk to anybody it made sense no and I do think at first, like he was always deaf, funny, the life and soul and it was like that little bit of a, I've never like, I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking, but yeah, I must be a bit tapped. Scouser, Dave, you're all fucking loonies. That's why I love you, Cunce, you're fucking mad. But you're hard. It's the same as the traveller community. Who stays. Yeah. but it's because of your love and affection also though it's because of your loyalty you probably blamed yourself for some things you probably concerned yourself of his well-being everybody you're trying to save everybody and I wasn't an angel do you know what I mean I'm not going to sit here and say I was like I have a good go do you know what I mean so like I do feel like what is it I was worried about what was happening after I think that's what made me and then actually leaving how was it leaving were you still concerned obviously you had that kind of pass to go okay you cheated but you had many times to go but were you still concerned or do you feel it was done it's over it's time to change I pined for him like because I've been with him for seven years and he was like almost as much as he was like he was like a security blank as well because he was there like and he was the one person who I could talk to and because I was lying to so many people.

52:25So he was actually probably the only person that I was ever normal and myself with because I was lying to my mum, I was lying to my best friends, I was lying. What was your dad saying? No one actually knew what had happened until afterwards and then I think they all just felt like the biggest, not the biggest fools, but why have I not done something? by having a protective head but I was lying to everyone no one knew we're great pretenders and plus you're the actress as well so you could lie if I can wait for anything that's my concern of my daughter I'm too overprotective and I'm scared that she hides it so well because she knows the damage I'm doing I ain't no gangster but I know I would kill for her I would happily do 30 years in a jail if I know I'm protecting my family that's not going to be tough the same as your dad your dad would probably do more damage to him than he would do your dad if you know the damage it was doing to you because that's a real father that's a real man you know so that's how it's the heartbreaking thing because we don't want to be shooting and fucking stabbing and chasing people but to protect the people they love we're the cunts who would do it and that's how fucking that's how deep and rooted love should be and that's as men should provide and protect to that way and listen I've had toxic relationships very toxic but as a man's role it's provide and protect and a woman's role for me is to nurture and love, but when there's totally opposites of full control, you can never go on your feminine because then you end up on your masculine because you need to be tough for a life that should, it's not normal.

54:05No. Was there any backlash when you left or was it a case of a clean cut leave? No, it was actually a clean cut leave because I think that he tried to tell me that he wasn't cheating and like he was getting these girls into the news bar which was the place to go at the time and he was just seeing them to get them into the news bar my mum was like one of them was Joanne Beckham and she was like why does she need Tony to get it in the news bar and I was like but mum and then my agent just spoke to the reporter and he just sent all the files over he went if she doesn't believe it there was like no tonight From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic stuff like a half mile stroll.

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56:01Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Because being in that height and being who you were, all your relationships were in the papers. Was it difficult to have a steady relationship, even though, listen, you gave the fucking papers ammunition? Because that's madness. You know what I mean? That is madness, but no fault of your own.

56:35It's not your fault. it's no nothing you could have done you're just in that relationship where it's kind of took you that's the cards you've been dealt but how hard is it to have a relationship in that kind of limelight back then hard yeah really difficult and like people just don't people think that they own you like it's fine now because I'm not like the height I was then but at one time I literally couldn't like go places like on a Saturday or or like if it was bank holiday and there was like something on, like the last thing I'd want to do is go because I'd just be stood there taking pictures all day.

57:13And some people don't have like respect. Like when I very first went on holiday with my husband, he was sat having a meal with me. And next thing you know, my chair gets pulled out. A baby gets sat on my knee and someone just puts an arm around and goes, smile girl. And he was just like, wow. And he struggled, like really struggled at first to like understand it. but since I've had opened the school like the kids that's all calmed down and it's absolutely fine now What about the Stevie Gerrard thing? Can I talk about that? Yeah Because he's a massive name in Liverpool you're a massive name Yeah How was that relationship?

57:52To be honest with you we were both kids like I was what 16 and he's only just like I was at the first game that he scored his first goal he'd like literally just broke into the side and like he just catapulted and got all this attention from everywhere and was just a typical young lad and like was just every time I'd go out he was with another girl and I was supposed to be his girlfriend and you can't blame him he's been playing footy all his life and then gets this mega stardom and he was just filling his boots fucking superstar he became one of the greatest of all time absolutely phenomenal what he's done and obviously he's loyal with Flavapool as well I know how much the Scousers loved him did you know how good he was going to be did you have an incline of how good the talent was or was it just a case of just a young boy just footballer I think when a very first like started went going out with him everyone around me was just going oh he's the new big sign he's the new big thing and he was just Stephen to me do you know what I mean I didn't I'd never follow football and he actually supported Everton so yeah but he just made me laugh um and yes he's dead funny and like has done amazingly well like and probably one of the best footballers ever yeah because his family are proper down here you know they're not they're not well respected a lot of people know them his family but so yeah so how was that when you see his career if you're with him kind of dating you're young but then you end up in the relationship you're in and you keep seeing him thriving do you ever think fuck what if I never did no I actually because he'd like broke my heart like a little bit at the time I think that's what made me rebound into this relationship bastard and put more efforts into like try and to make it work.

59:59Blame him, innit? Dirty bastard, innit? Cheating bastard. He was just doing his thing. Yeah, he's a young boy. Because were you not friends with Alex, his wife? Yeah. Or is that how I just hear you? She used to go up with Tony. So he's reversed? She must be rubbing her hands. I hate talking about things like this because we've all got families and lives. Yeah, of course. But yeah, so I'm probably a hero. She's probably got a poster of you up in her world the girl who saved my life no bulletproof windows in here tonight we can laugh about it man because it is fucked up laughter is the key but again you're a young girl you've got talent, you've got the world at your feet how is it then trying to come over that, how is it coming out and trying to get your career back in because when did you do Hell's Kitchen was it 2004 was that in the midst of the relationship erm in the mix with Tony yeah yeah and you won that erm how was Gordon Ramsay brilliant like one of the best people I've ever met like just apps just sound in every way like we he just wanted us to do well but so passionate at what he did and I'll never ever forget he used to run because he's a proper really good runner he used to run to work and erm the first day we got all the covers out like so everyone got fed because we kept on people were all complaining because like about 20 people 20 covers 20 tables wouldn't get served every night because we were so slow at first first night we saved everyone he ran home got his kids out of bed sat with us he was having a glass of wine and all that i'm just you could tell that he's just sounds he's just a boss person scottish ain't he yeah they're all fucking sound bastards up there so you've won that why did you go on that because obviously you've got Hollywood you're doing Chicago you're doing a lot of big things because people usually go on those shows like your Hell's Kitchen was massive anyway but he was just kind of starting his career very first one of the very first reality shows to be honest yeah but all his swearing and his antics kind of just catapulted him yeah he couldn't do that shit now he never did another one after that he just went straight to America who was all on that so it was Matt Goss from Bross me Belinda Carlisle Al Murray James Jaffers who was in Gimme Gimme Gimme who else?

1:02:33Abbey Titmuss oh it was a boss little cast so like on my I had my 21st birthday and there I had Belinda Carlisle singing James Jaffers playing the guitar and rapping Matt Goss singing like it was just like it was just boss so what happened after you won that again you've got you've you've won a great show you've won a big show what happens then were you still kind of battling of not knowing what to do with your life yeah after that i went to la and i got an agent over there and they wanted me to stay and do like pilot season and i just couldn't because of him yeah was he not letting you or did you feel as if you needed to be there with him I needed to be there and also he just yeah he just wouldn't have moved with me and just wouldn't have let me do it really obviously hindsight's a wonderful thing we can look back wish I'd have done things different but is that a big regret but then if you've never done everything you wouldn't have your sons now you wouldn't have your man now I don't have a single regret in my life you know yeah like and I think that's why I'm happy like what you said do you ever look at it and go that was it now like because I wasn't happy then and what I've got now like I'm the happiest like person ever like and I don't think I'd appreciate the man of God the husband of God if I wouldn't have been through all that shit so what happens after it then did your everything kind of take a standstill after the relationship shit what happened where did you do anything well i just stopped like a year tour and everything wasn't an option because i was in a mess and i just stopped auditioning and just doing little jobs I am And then it was kind of a mad time because you're talking when I was what, in my early 20s?

1:04:37I was doing a few things, but I think, to be honest with you, the press had just damaged it a little bit, to be honest. But usually your directors and that don't really give a fuck either. no I think it's like brands like they didn't want to take a chance be associated with that kind of press anyone who's looking at me for like a show or anything would be going oh god now she's got all that shit to deal with and him and that's understandable as well because it's not a case of you've had an argument or a disagreement you know you're talking people's life at risk we don't have ever went that far if you're in that life you kind of know who's been targeted and why they're being targeted but it's just for other people's well-being.

1:05:24It is a risk. You are a risk. Did you then stop going to auditions because you couldn't be arsed with what the media would say? I just, I don't know, I think I was embarrassed, deeply embarrassed. I just didn't want to put myself out there to fail for the more rejection and the more knockback. So I just shut off completely. How do you learn how to trust again then? How do you then get married and have three sons? Three sons you have? Yeah. Three beautiful sons. How do you then learn to trust? How do you overcome that and think, what if the next one becomes even worse? Because of you who I've met, I think, and I've, like,

1:06:11I don't know, I've just never, ever had any doubts at all. I don't know, it's like, I've just met the perfect person in my eyes like who just treats me like a princess is the best father I could possibly ask for the best husband I could possibly ask for like makes me feel like I'm the most gorgeous girl on the planet so I don't ever doubt him how did you meet? um it was really weird actually because i did a show called a little help from my friends um and it was where itv and they go to like a celebrity and they get all the friends from school who turn up random people from the past and um they do like a big community project so i was filming that and like loads of my friends god i sound terrible yeah but those my friends turned up and then we had a wrap party and I was with Tony and Rob was with Claire and we just bumped into each other and he went oh hiya and I was like hiya and then someone else popped in front and went where's Claire and then that was it but it was it was mad because Rob had walked in and me mate Lee he was gay he was like who the fuck is he because he was boxing at the time and we were We were both like, oh god he's gorgeous isn't he?

1:07:33So we were both eyeing him up. Anyway we had this like instant meeting and then that was it because obviously I went home to Tony, he went home to Claire. and it was about a year later after it had all been in the papers with Tony about six months after that he just popped up on Facebook and added me and we just started talking and we were talking for about three months and then he was like he used to box and he was like do you fancy going to a hikyat and fight with me and I was like I don't even know you my best mate's going to me just go, just go. And I was like, no, because we're in Vegas. And I was like, no, and then he went, okay, then we'll kind of take it out for a date.

1:08:19And then that was it. The rest of this. Easy bastards talking to the DMs on Facebook. Fucking love rap. I think I got poked. Yeah, he's a fucking nice fella, man, big guy as well. Did you feel more protected that he was doing boxing and kind of, did you feel safe? Do you know what? He's like, he's not soft, but he's not a dickhead either and I think anyone who knows him knows he's just a sad fella and he's like he's not soft because he's like worked on the doors when he was a kid and he's boxed all his life and he can have he can have a bash like and so I feel protected in that way erm but yeah I just know he's got a boss family boss mum and dad like he's just that's what it's all about isn't it yeah yeah It must be difficult for men as well, though, to come into your life or come into anybody's life who's in the limelight, because sometimes as men, we do feel inadequate.

1:09:17We don't ever feel truly good enough, no matter how much confidence we have or what we drive or what we wear. We never truly feel, we always feel as if maybe somebody's better. It must be hard to come into somebody who had your status to then accept it as well without being fucking controlling nutcase. It must be difficult as well, because all the attention you get, and then people stop you. You know what I mean? People made it off for him as well, I think because of what had happened previous. Like, my best mate was like, my mum was a bit, everyone was like hard work to him. Poor bastard getting interrogated.

1:09:53There was the wrong guy you picked. There was the wrong guy you're interrogating. My best mate, on my birthday, he got like a chef round and like, I'm telling this, my best mate, who's the fucking thing he is? Get him having a chef here. God love him, he was only like having a nice birthday for me. how did he accept it was there any worries for the previous ex that there could be repercussions because he was with you or was that already done that was all done yeah have you ever spoke to him prior yeah never ever seen him ever again never no is he still kicking about I know he went to jail for 8 years I think but it's good you came out other then did it take you a while to trust though to understand okay not every man's the same yeah like I was on my own for a while and I kind of just thought I'm happy on my own.

1:10:41I don't want to be with a man again. And that's when you meet the person you're meant to meet. I think when you go out searching for it, I think I've seen some of my mates who break up and they stay away at the house. I just gone, do you know what? I'm done. I've had enough. It's here or that, I've become lesbian. I've had enough of men, yeah. Literally, I just kind of was happy to be on my own. And then that happened. When did you fall pregnant? It was a bit of a whirlwind to be honest. Like, this is how you know it's right because I've been with someone for seven years and the thought of having a child like sent shockwaves through my body like terrorred me like because of the life it would live.

1:11:29like at that time like I'm not saying that now but like but as soon as I met Rob I just knew I wanted him to be yeah he's got twin girls you see Rob and he's the best dad and I just you know someone's like so we got engaged after six months and I was pregnant after six months I think got married after a year yeah so we've been married like 16 years now that's class like I say it's a you can always judge a man by how he acts with his kids no matter if he's in a relationship or not it tells you a lot about a man it tells you a lot about a person as he's still in their lives because anybody can walk away but if you really want to get your kids you can still get them also women can be hard work when it comes to kids I've been through it myself when people use a kid as a pawn but as a father I've always pushed to make sure I still get them whether that's through courts or whatever it is but But it's good when you can really judge a character on how they treat other people, especially the relationship it has with his mum or his dad or his kids.

1:12:35You can really get a good understanding that people who don't have any relationship with their mum, dads or other family members, you kind of question, maybe it's not everybody, maybe it's fucking you. So you had, what was it like having the son for the first time? Oh, it was amazing. Was it? Yeah. Were you in a good place then? Yeah, yeah. Really good place. I had a terrible labour though, like a really bad labour. like six days um and i actually got told that i should never i would never have been able to give birth naturally um so i've been induced about four or five times and the baby still wasn't coming um so in the end they had to take his oxygen they were like his oxygen levels have dropped too low he's been in labor too long we need to get him out urgently so i had an emergency section but because I'd been induced and my pelvic bone was too small for the baby's head to come off basically so it was like wedged so they couldn't get him out my stomach How big were they?

1:13:36Nine pounds so they literally had to put forceps into my stomach and it was like I think it was about ten minutes it was like suctioning them out Fucking scooping them out like a bit of ice cream Yeah And he came out and he had this cone there two black eyes I was like oh he's gorgeous Just everyone around me is going, Jesus, tonight is he okay? So you end up having three. Yeah. You seem like a right family person. You seem like a good soul as well. So was it just all about family life then? Did you think about, okay, I'm going to get back into things or were you just so caught up in being a best mother you could be?

1:14:12Just I knew that I wanted to be present and I wanted to be there and I didn't want to be going off on tour. I didn't want to be going off to do anything else. So I was like, where am I going to earn me money? And that's when I had Bobby. I was like, I can't leave. I want to be at his nativity. I want to be at his fussy games. I can't do what I've done all these years to earn money. So I thought, what else can I do? And that was when I set the school up. Yeah, your school's massive. Let's talk about the dance school. Why is it so popular?

1:14:50I don't know. I think the success of it, like the students have gone out and just multiple world champions in every single genre, working all over the world. We've got a college now, so we do BTEC, HNC, HND, and now a degree in performing arts. So I instill what was instilled in me when I was young. And when I was younger, there was no mental health and everything like that. And it was like, and I do really think that we've moved for the better, but I think sometimes the students can play on that as well. Like I know students who just can't be asked to get out of bed. Yeah. And they're like, I'm having a bad mental health day.

1:15:34So it's weird you draw. Mm-hmm. You can't even say anything. You can't. Yeah. And it abuses it for the people who really are suffering as well, which is what I don't like. but I train them to the best I can like all the funding from the government goes into the faculty like people look at me and go why are they having this many classes they're only funded for half of this amount or a third of this amount and I'm like because I want them to be the best I want them to go out and to work and to tour and to and they are How many students you got? I've got about 200 Yeah, because I've always seen your Instagram it's always on the road I think your van broke down a couple of weeks ago did it not?

1:16:18coming home from moving yeah yeah is that your passion then? do you think do you think that's your true purpose is to be surrounded by kids because you're a winner anyway you've always been a winner you've always won no matter what it was you've always succeeded and it's good to see because then you can teach people because I don't know if you're born with a winning mentality I think you could be ingrained in it as well just by consistency you can really learn but I feel as if people aren't born with something special I think so they've just got that I can see it in my three sons my eldest couldn't care less like is happy to come last or my youngest is like wants to win like sobs when he comes off from fussy and he hasn't really and that's like it's the same ingredients like it's me and Rob who've made them but they're completely different and you can see that mentality and I don't think you can't teach that I can't teach it as a teacher you can't create it it's got to be in you yeah i think you're born with that kind of mentality of like i love that fact like when you're a kid obviously crying when you lose because it makes you want to win yeah you know they just want to win and they'll do anything to win that's the best feeling ever because that's the ones who do succeed but to be successful comes at a cost there is a lot of sacrifice a lot of sacrifice comes with success a lot of sacrifice comes with it like you'd have sacrificed a lot like you say your mum and dad would have sacrificed a lot to give you the opportunities do you feel as if you let them down as well even though you achieved everything when you were going through all that shit because you never really opened up to them I just wish I never lied to them but I was protecting them I think yeah people can understand that because if I would have told my mum she'd have gone around and absolutely killed them yeah and then you know as a mum like I know when Bobby comes home and says someone said this instinct is to to protect isn't it so I just was trying to protect them as much as I could.

1:18:10What was the idea to go on SAS, Who Does Wins? God knows. I don't know. I think SAS done so much for me, though, because I'd given up on myself. Like, I was a mum. Like, just literally everything was either for work, for the school, to provide for the boys, or just them. I didn't even look in the mirror before, like, I went. Like I'd just given up on myself, didn't buy myself new clothes, didn't spend money on myself. Went into SAS and I don't know, just really kickstarted something in me again. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's what you need. I thought I was going to be the first out. And like when I looked around the room, I was like Dwayne Chambers, professional athlete, Ashley, like, ex-professional footballer, like, all 20s, all either Olympians, Fatima Whitbread, who's the oldest, but she's a machine.

1:19:11Yeah, she's fat. So I'm like looking around, I'm going, I am the first person out here, I am the weak link, I knew that. But I ended up doing really, really well. And like, when I got, like, I knew I'd really injured myself. I didn't realise to what extent I'd injured myself. but to keep going it made me realise that I'm well stronger than I thought like well stronger because I we all had these water bottles and like one day I'd messed up and I hadn't filled it up so he made me pour it over my head in the middle of the night so I was like obsessed then about filling this water bottle up so we had to jump out the helicopter and I was first out and as as I hit the water, I was like, I thought, oh my God, I'm dead.

1:19:58Like, that's the first thing I thought. Came up and I was like, oh my God, what have I done? Anyway, me and Jonathan got Jonathan swimming and he's not the strongest swimmer. So I was like, I can't run, but I can swim. So I was like, because my mum took me to all them swimmer lessons, getting me into brookie. So I was swimming, got on the side and got absolutely beasted. but the whole time I couldn't breathe, like literally couldn't breathe. Got home, was really, really ill. Went to the hospital and they were like, how have you continued? I had basically three broken ribs, my lung was full of blood, badly, badly infected, and I had a bleeding spleen.

1:20:38So they were going to have to operate on me. And I was like, all for a TV show. But they were just amazed that I kept going. Do you think you're hard on yourself and forget what you've actually achieved through life and how strong you actually are. Yeah, yeah. Where does that come from? I don't know, you know. Just wanting to please and wanting to do well and probably sometimes thinking, have I messed things up? like than I am but as long as you're a good mother you're winning exactly in my eyes everything else comes second nature doesn't really mean fuck all like myself I chase fame because I thought that would fill all the gaps that's really missing in my life and eh I'm not even at the level I'm going to go to but I understand now and I'm glad because when I was doing the podcast it's always little small steps I've took it's never been overnight success so I don't really feel fuck all nah but interview enough people to realise okay I'm chasing the wrong things because I used to listen I love nice things I still have nice watches nice cars I love it and I enjoy it but sometimes in a minute I realise it doesn't really it doesn't fuel my fire to then I wake up every day excited do you know what I mean there's always an element of always something missing and the more I speak to people the more I realise it's merely an female who we all struggle because we're living in a very fast paced world we just want to do right and we sometimes feel confused by it but like I say all the stuff that you've done is amazing and as long as you're a good mother, your kids are healthy.

1:22:20That's what I'm saying. There's people out there who just do their thing to be a good mother. They, for me, are the most successful people on the planet. That's like my everything now. It's just being the best mum that I can be for the boys, giving the best I possibly can for them. How was it fighting Pete Wicks? I got chinned. See, if you put it on him, you'd have battled him, though. You're stronger than him. I'm blind and everything. he's proper Andy Pete you know like I don't know I just I've never had like I don't know it was just like he was crying weren't he yeah and then he knocked himself open and there he killed himself God he's a proper Sam fella yeah I like everybody who's on that show because Ashley Ken who I know well love to bits what he's been through he's a fucking animal how he's fuelled that pain and used it all against him to push on because you don't know what he's battling every day that kid like he's just an animal he's just fucking unbelievable and it gives people inspiration because a lot of people go the other side he's used that as a positive yeah massively and it makes you question well my life ain't that bad do you know what I'm saying so who else Big Callum yeah yeah it was a proper boss little group yeah yeah he was crying Pete wasn't he because Rudy Rudy I know they're one of the instructors yeah they're animals these guys they're fucking animals it's mad where the human mind can take you the respect that i had like when i left like the things that like even like just before i had my arm band together we were walking up this mountain and fucks he was like fucking stop crying and he was like i was i had to put we had like each other on our backs walking up this mountain in the heat and he went i fucking did this in afghanistan and i was getting fucking shot at by the moon like i thought god I think that you know I've got a Bazzi walking up this hill and he was getting shot at so were you

1:24:23fuck's sake you said they've got a housing fire no one do you love that show you had fucking so much to connect with everybody fuck's sake he's no turnt round and says who's not you fucking pussy is er how is that show off camera though is it obviously it's still strict is it no bullshit or is it fake it is the most real thing he will ever, ever, like, doesn't stop. But, because it's only, like, 45 minutes an episode, they don't shout. Like, you don't sleep. They have you on an hour call, so every hour, Callum bests like that with a red light at you, going, come on, you're on your turn. You're like, oh, get out of your sleeping bag.

1:25:01You have to put all your wet clothes on, get out. Everything is 100 % real. Like, real. Like, they don't stop at all or let up on you. And why has that gave you the kick up the arse to really get back in the zone again? why that show? It took me to places mentally that, you know you were strong enough yeah like, I'm scared of heights and like made me realise that your body can like, go to places that you just because I just always quit on myself, always but because I didn't want to be the weakest link like and I was like you can still do this and it gave me respect for myself after it, that made me think right, come on, you're going to sort yourself out Do you think that's the first time since everything you've been through you've really, you've believed in yourself again?

1:25:46Yeah, and it's the first time I ever spoke about it in there. And I don't know why because I wasn't going in there to speak about it. But literally just went... That's where you heal. You've bottled all that up for years. The more you speak about it, the more you laugh about it. Because you think, what the fuck was I thinking? But there's so many people that can relate. Because once you speak about it, it doesn't have the power from you anymore. No. Even though we think we're in control, we've got kids, we're married, we've moved on, it's still there. And you'll still think about it. Next editions that come up will always pop up, but you can't.

1:26:18That's your story. You're not the only fucking mad bastard who's got a mad story to back it up. Do you know what I mean? You've got to use it as fire. So when you hear everybody else speaking, you think, well, wait a minute. Because the thing about the Glaswegians and Liverpool, we'll say that, Liverpool really fucking love to do podcasts, man. There's not many Glaswegians, but we always feel wary of speaking as if you're speaking out of school still as if you're maybe still in that life but all we're trying to do is educate people don't make the same mistakes, don't fucking do that there's telltale signs, there's red flags here speak to your mum or dad or speak to your best friend get some information of how other people would react and see the story so sometimes we can suffocate alone instead of I need to speak to somebody here and then you speak about it and then you see people relating to it, like I say these longer formats, people can relate and then the love you get and then you go wait a minute life is okay then the confidence grows again then you're back to the person you were at fucking 16 17, 18 then the opportunities rise then you're going to auditions and you're going with confidence yes it was my story it was fucked up but you laugh about it then you write a book and then you fucking put up possibly get a docuseries of certain things that happen that because the only person who fails is you, me people say oh do you not worry about getting cancelled the shit that you do, if I was to get all my platforms took away my life would be better because it's fucking damaging I'll figure out something again how to be successful nothing else the people who cancel the only person who gets cancelled is themselves no matter what anybody says no matter what people do no matter your backstory I interview about murderers and people come in their pants and go it's amazing they love these guys these people have killed people but people give them fucking second third fourth fifth chances because they respect the honesty so when you're broken and admit you're broken and then speak about it people can relate to it because everybody I believe has got a little bit of brokenness in them but when they see strength from it and that's when you and get the confidence to realise I can speak about all this stuff.

1:28:09It literally did. I think that's what gave me this lease of life because it was almost like this shame of talking about it and I felt like everyone would disown me if I spoke about it. It was like a dirty secret and I could never ever speak about it. But I don't even know, and I tortured myself when I was in there. I was thinking, why have I spoke about that? But it's been the best thing. Yeah. It's not a secret and it's my life and it happens and it's how I've, you know, got to where I am now. It's my story. Yeah, it's nearly 20 years ago. But people are always still intrigued by it. But the more you talk about it, people go, eh, it's kind of done now.

1:28:48You know what I mean? But when you're living with that shame, because I've had comedians on who've apologised for jokes and it's ruined them. What the fuck are you apologising for? You're a comedian, won't it? People say mad shit all the time. I feel as if when you shy away from it, people see weakness, fucking jump on it and it just breaks them down, breaks them down. But once you've got that power back, all the shackles come off and then nobody can touch me. Say what you want, write what you want. Who fucking cares? I've got a story. But the thing about the media is not just get four channels anymore, but you need them to be successful.

1:29:19People can set up a TikTok today and be fucking successful next week by doing daft shit. So there's so many opportunities to do what you want in life. Make what you want, do what you want. As long as you're not harming anybody, be you. But do you feel now you're ready to go again? Do you feel as if it's time your kids are getting older everything's happy you've got a man who supports you that he feels like okay I'm going to give this another crack because you'll probably be better now than you were because now you've got that extra experience in your locker and appreciate it more yeah definitely yeah I do feel like this is the time now that I would like to start going back into it yeah what about like EastEnders or do you want to go to movies would you want to do I'd love to do a drama like a proper gritty drama and so like what Claire Sweeney's doing and stuff like that I'd love to do something like that yeah she seems nice Claire oh she's sound she's awesome have you had any opportunities since SES?

1:30:15I did a small tour to take that musical which I loved absolutely loved it and it was great the kids came to see it the kids were like oh my god mum never seen you do anything so seeing them react to it made me think do you know what I could could get back into it and do it do your passion because you can see your eyes light up when you speak about it. There was talk about me going back into Chicago but I don't think it's going to happen. Why? You never know, Lauren. You've just got to go for it. Do you feel as if you've, because like I say, you've got the experience now. You'll fucking handle it out of breeze.

1:30:50Everything will come easier because you've already overcome all that madness. All that pain and misery makes us who we are today. That's the beautiful thing about it. But the sad thing is as well, we still do think about it. I think about my friends and my dad and I wish he was here because he would love to be meeting all the people that I'm doing. So even when I'm driving home, it kind of gets lonely. You think, ah, bastard. But then I think, listen, stop feeling sorry for yourself. We're very good at feeling sorry for ourselves, humans. Very good at it. But life is a beautiful journey, man. It really is.

1:31:20If you really can understand the patterns and you don't need to accept the life that you're in, you can be better, you can have better. It's a beautiful thing if you can realise it. The sad thing is not other people will realise their true potential. you could have been in that relationship still now any damage you could have done a couple of kids you feel as if because you're kind of a person who probably would have been there for the kids so we've got to count our blessings as well God yeah so tell me plans for the future

1:31:49I don't want any more kids is that you're done? yeah I'm done for it done my eldest has got a GCSE in the next two years so we've got to get that out of the way but I would I think this would be like now I've changed from one casting bracket to now I'm getting put up for like the mum roles and stuff like that so I think it could be like a new little kind of I don't know like going back into like that acting side and the old kind of career that I had What's your dream role? Just a real gritty Liverpool drama there could be fucking plenty of them why don't you like you say have you ever wrote a script no you could sit down with someone and put something together you could put it real life drama of your own story everybody loves it my biggest hitters is true crime doesn't matter what people say about the guest they'll still watch the biggest thing on Netflix is true crime people love negativity people love gangsters people love shootings people love cocaine people love fucking madness because everybody every man thinks they're against that I've interviewed some fucking divvies as well like but I would never embarrass them but in their mind they feel as if they're a proper I know do you know what I mean I know a lot of people who can give me information what I need to know before something and I go okay but I would never embarrass them because the thing about the people in the UK we ain't daft there's not much that's by us we're very in tune with who's full of shite and who's not who's real and who's not so the thing about the UK public if you're going to be talking shit then it's down to you but people just love those stories still they fucking love them so you've definitely got something there to then work on it find that fire and go do you know what this is a fucking beautiful part of my life your kids are healthy you're raised you've got a stable household which is which is important for anybody especially a man men don't want drama we want peace we want to come home that's peaceful and if you've got peace at home the man would do anything for his missus so they would from my opinion that's the way it should be men are providers and protectors I'm old school I think there's a lot of confusion now with like masculine energy and feminine energy but a woman's true source is when she becomes a mum that's her true purpose because nothing else should matter that's when she truly knows this is what it's about because no matter what TV show you're in or movie you're in it doesn't, it's irrelevant to what means nothing yeah it means fuck all you know what I'm saying so who's the best person you've worked with?

1:34:25probably Gordon Ramsay he's a mad bastard but what he's achieved from a chef I know it's unbelievable and was absolutely devastated because his football career was like lost like he wants to be a footballer yeah Rangers he played with in that back in the day I think he had like was it a spleen injury or something and then yeah so he's been the best you've worked with like the most genuine and down to earth and like I never forget I went on holiday to Dubai and the hotel concierge came and he went we've got a booking for you for tonight and I was like a friend has booked it and I was like he went there's a car waiting for you at six o 'clock so I went down to white Rolls Royce go to this Hilton in Dubai sitting there and then the next thing all right just fucking runs out picks me up it's all like proper really posh but swings me and I was like oh my god literally like and Gordon had done it all like just invited me to his home met the kids met Tanya like literally just gorgeous human that's mad isn't it I love people who don't change off camera on camera they're still the same that's the people you go okay man you've got something about you people change you'd have seen it get through that life what's the hardest thing about being in the limelight?

1:35:47The fakers, the hangers on. Like there's people who, I think you're surrounded. I think this is why people get fucked up when they go into this industry because there's so many yes people who are being paid to a job and no one will actually tell you straight. Like so when they're staying up and they're doing this and they're doing that, there's no one actually to go sort your shit out. And I think that's because they're getting paid so they don't want to upset you and I've seen so many people surrounded by fake phonies and just can be lonely What's the biggest life lesson you've learnt? That like you can look at someone and think that because they've got material things they're like they're flying high and they're happy like and it means absolutely nothing there's nothing that you can buy now that you'll give a shit about in ten years or like you your happiness and it's just invaluable like when I was driving my Bentley and dripping in diamonds and everything I was fucking miserable miserable like honestly like you look at someone and people people they look at successes what house you've got, what car you drive that's not success yeah success for me is happiness and how happy you are you can have all the money in the world and not be happy because people say oh I would rather greet my Bentley I'd rather cry in a Bentley than I would like a Fiesta or whatever but the real flex is not crying that's the real flex because I know people and I've been saying it lately but people who've got a camper van drive around themselves seeing nature, just living day by day to fill up their petrol, maybe have a loaf of bread, they're happier than the billionaires that I've interviewed.

1:37:44A hundred percent. And people can't, and I wish people, Jim Carrey says it, I wish people could taste, everybody could taste fortune and fame to realise that's not it. But when you're looking, if you are struggling and some people are not doing anything with their life, all they do is moaning, complain, they'll see other people moaning, but it's okay for you to say you've got money. Possibly they're right, but you can be happy anywhere you are. Happiness is a mindset and it's how you can tap into that mindset to see the great things in life but we don't because we're kind of greedy as well I talk about all this shit but it's like a mental contradiction, I moan about this and that but yeah I'm still fucking wearing a Rolex, I'm still driving a Range Rover, I'm still doing all that shit but I just know it's not where my true potential is or my true kind of purpose is but I still fucking like it I would rather have that than the shitty Rover that I first had but I was happier when I had that, I remember getting it with my mum, it was like three grand I was fucking buzzing had all my CDs I had a little CD case all my fucking my rap albums then I had little chat albums and I was just buzzing I used to put it in put my music on and drive around for fucking hours and hours and I was so happy and now I've got a fucking nice big car I've got a fucking few cars but I think I'm not as happy as I was when I tasted the first and that's the way it is but that's fucking life so how are you feeling today you feel good yeah were you nervous or anything I was really nervous as I say it's like I've never done a podcast and then it's talking about things that aren't nice to talk about yeah but it grows strength and now you're going to have your inbox will be flooded because people have been through the same shit you've been through maybe not exactly that extent but it's that emotional control a lot of women go through it, a lot of men go through it women are bastards as well, do you know what I mean?

1:39:39you kind of get things twisted, it works both ways but you become the strength for other people to overcome it to kick on, because it can ruin people suicide, addiction, everything else creeps in when you're in a low vibration and when you're going through that stuff nobody really knows how to handle it, because we've all got too much pride don't want to ask anybody for help sometimes people want to try and get help when it's too late you know? what about the singing? what was your album your first song did it not go top 10 or number 5 number 6 yeah yeah yeah how was it and you know what it was because if I had released the week after it was that effervescence bringing me back to life was number 1 if I had released it the week after I had gone to number 1 bastard how was it when you done because obviously when you listen to music from the 90s now or early 2000s it's totally different you've got that cheesy pot like Westlife and all the other kind of boys zone yeah, atomic kit and girls are loud you kind of had that with the dresses, the fake tan but do you look at your own music and think fucking cringy bastard because I'll probably watch interviews when I hear my own voice I think man, you talk some shite but I know I'll probably have more knowledge in 10 years and I'll think, the shite you were talking but it feels good now, I feel as if I'm on it I know what I'm doing but is it the same for yourself?

1:40:59If the kids in the school or anyone will put it on I go turn it off turn it off literally can't listen to it but yeah it was again living a dream yeah for anybody watching it's maybe struggling in life you've come through your struggles yourself what advice would you have for them don't give up on yourself

1:41:24and that just because there's I just just keep going because there's times when, as I say, the easiest thing for me would have been to just call it a day. But I've kept going and almost I'm the happiest I've been now and got what? And I'd never have envisioned this at the time. Like you just ploughed under with negativity and darkness and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep cracking on, honestly, and things will get better. It will lift. because I'd never have thought it was up for me. You used to be addicted to sunbeds. I wasn't addicted. I watched a video and it was like, I was like swimming.

1:42:12You said you were getting tan injections in your sunbeds all the time. I was on the sunbeds all the time. I still fucking used them. We were all aware of that time. I still used them from time to time. Not as much as I used to. But if I'm feeling like shit and I look in the mirror and I think, you look fucking grey. I'll go and I'll get her 12 minutes but I'll go fucking, I'll go pure dark. Yeah. I used to go on for like we used to go on for 16 minutes yeah I was 15 I think we used to get 15 but then the next the weekend Thursday Friday 15, 15 then I had the big white patch at the top of my sink all the sweat goes down people say you use sunbeds I think I don't use sunbeds I used to deny it back then because it wasn't a manly thing so it was fucking sunbeds man yeah I watched a video and it says you were addicted to sunbeds I don't know if they fucking just put that title there maybe I've never had a tan injection in my life like yeah no fuck no that's too much man but you're feeling good today you're looking good man you've got a great vibe about you I can't fucking wait to see what you do for the future I believe listen you don't need the extra springboard to then leap you in but you seem ready you seem as if it's a good time for your life right now it is good on you babe would you like to finish up on anything else just to say thanks for having me thank you it's been honestly it's been lovely talking to you saying things out of the air and thank you for the opportunity anytime I wish you and your family nothing but the best.

1:43:30And you. God bless you. Thank you.

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