Having a Child to My RAPIST Dad - Stace Don Tells Her Heart-Breaking Story

44:34Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season. Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on, just like people count on you. Firestone, always dependable since 1900. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network.

45:16Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? I had to put a washing because I had to do the cleaning, and I put like a dark washing, and it was like a white T-shirt, but standing at the kitchen door. the kitchen door's here and you had a breakfast table here and the washer was behind that um and he'd walk around the breakfast table because i put the wrong washing and boot me to the floor so i'd try getting back up and he'd just boot you back down but every time he tried getting up he'd let you go up a little bit further do you know and he'd just constantly do it but he'd drive off you begging him to let him home he'd be like if you want to get up beg to get up and I'd started like literally even I ended up all three in the kitchen and he would just constantly just booting me down, booting me down and then he'd like run a bath and I'd get in the bath and next minute he'd be in the bath with me you know and then I wouldn't have a bath and he'd be like your hair's greasy let me wash your hair so obviously then I had to go over to the kitchen sink letting him wash my hair and he'd boil the kettle and he'd just walk out water off of my head like it even affects me today's day like I struggled to push my know and so on but it's like and some days i just i think i can't do it you know and no one sees that side of things behind closed doors like the aftermath of it yeah the trauma that's i've never heard anything like it you know like as a father you need your job is to protect your job is to be the best person you can be for your kids and you've had the total opposite of that you've been living with the devil again there's not even any words for this I don't realise how fucking angry I am listening to this and I think any mother as well listening to this will understand there's no words to put into what you went through you know and yeah listen I'm sorry you had to go through all that but it's Yeah, it's heartbreaking to hear if I'm honest.

47:37So you're then, how long was this going on for? So the life was going on, so the sexual abuse was the night before May 18th and then the morning after my sibling was done so I had to just go out and I was still, but just, but the interview was normal, one because they were still, I wanted to protect them, to I was scared that was that was the hardest thing um and I um I ended up going to I ended up feeling really really poorly but obviously they worked out of the house and I said I'm gonna go to connections like I want to get a job or I'm gonna do get try and get back into college and so I said I was going connections I didn't I went to the doctors and the doctors asking me all these questions like can you be pregnant I was like no it didn't it didn't see in my head that that's what's happened you know because I just I'd not done anything with anyone so I was I'm just gonna understand it um and they kept asking me and they gave me a pregnancy test to take away because I was adamant that I and I was like I ain't got a boyfriend because but in my childhood I was thinking you have to have a boyfriend you plan to have a baby you know and I hadn't done on here that's what just couldn't see in my head that I could be pregnant and as I'm going walking as I'm going back home I popped into connections I don't know why I did to do the pregnancy test and it come back positive and I'm walking down the street and I'm like nah nah and it's literally like something just clicked in my head like it just the penny just dropped and that I was and And I walked in the house and I had it in my head and I'm thinking it's not just me anymore, you know.

49:21When I went in the living room he was angry at me because I won't go to be out and he used to do it all the time anyway. He used to grip me by my throat and slam me against the, it was his bedroom door, it was like, because we lived above a carpet shop, his bedroom door was there. The front room was even, the kitchen was there. And he'd slam me against the kitchen, against his bedroom door. He looked like he was going to punch me in the stomach, that's what he usually did anyway. And then she went, I'm pregnant. And he just dropped me to the floor and put him in my face.

49:56What did he say after you found out you were pregnant? I started saying that the baby's going to be disabled. I need to top myself. He's going to kill me and tell everyone. I travelled back towards him and I didn't make it though. and I need to get rid of it honestly all sorts Was he in his mind having a relationship with you? I think so yeah because he tried for training that he'd take me to Kent and go out and show home so that we're going to start this business up together this juice business and we're going to have our own family together and no one knows us so it's alright and stuff and what happened then once you realised that you were pregnant and I kind of got so a fight about me and I was like because he kept telling me to get rid of it and I was like I don't believe in it I always got rid of you know I physically wouldn't be able to do that to her child because of what happened to me and I said I'm not getting rid of it and that and he was like just talk to yourself then it's going to be disabled anyway you're gonna end up and they were calling it all these different things different names so that really scared me and i just said no and then i kind of because back in 2008 apparently some dna thing come out that the babies have to start having dna when they're born and he was like right well you can go back to all them but when the baby's born you come back here and you don't let anyone take dna and i kind of ended up being in that game plan with him just so i can escape and get out and he rung my mum but I'd already so day when he slammed me up against the door bedroom door when the day that I found out I was pregnant I had finger marks from my neck and he went out in the morning and I knew he had a phone in his bedroom so I went and used that phone and I called the police and I didn't tell her about anything I just said that he tried strangling me and I went and met a police a police man um he said meet him at Frankie Benny's but I ended up at Zainsbury's in Essex I don't know because I just went the wrong way um and I got in the car and I was talking to him and he took pictures of my fingerprints and that and he said we'll come to the house and stuff but because of how many signs like people didn't believe me when I was a kid I thought if they go in there and asking questions and they walk out of there without me I ain't getting out of that house alive and I told that to the police officer I said please just bring my mum so he so he did he said he would and I think he did because when when the man rung my mum and said right Stacey Stacey's pregnant she met a guy at an urshaw because this was the story that he gave me he concocted it before I rung before he rung my mum um Stacey's met a guy at the urshaw he had a motorbike so she disappeared with him for the night and now she's pregnant because she come back to live with you until the baby's born that's what he said to my mum and I'm thinking please don't say like the police has rung her do you know about him grabbing me by my neck luckily she didn't and then for the two week build-ups and me leaving that I was literally just trying to keep my head down as much as I could when did you tell someone that you were actually pregnant by your dad?

53:19When my daughter was three. So you've had to go through your pregnancy and all those years dealing with what you've went through? Yeah, because the fritters were real, I honestly, because he told me if I'd sell anyone he'd find me and kill me and my baby and the fritters were real, so yeah, I felt like I had no choice. It was only when I was scrolling through Facebook and my daughter was three I found out he'd had another little girl with another woman and I can't leave him myself so that gave you the strength to expose him eventually yeah was he raping your other young sister I don't know I don't know

54:08how was it going through your pregnancy at such a young age knowing what you went through it was hard it was so hard like getting out getting out of ASICS and being put on that coach and I felt a bit of relief you know but literally then when got when I got off the coach about to walk over to my mum it felt like film credits were rolling behind me because I'd gone from coming out of all that what I'd just gone through not being able to speak about it but now I'm my mum do you know what I mean I left her at college having a job and and everything had just completely changed um and then the pregnancy because no one knew about it and i've honestly thought like she was gonna be disabled because he planted that in my head every single day um and that there were gonna be something wrong with her and i thought with the dna like could there be you know so i was like i felt really dirty as well so i've been baffing all the time i'd be having like three four baths a day i'd be hiding in my bedroom like I never went out hardly or anything through my pregnancy I couldn't enjoy like the natural pregnancy the scans or anything because it was just like there's something wrong with her there's something wrong with her you know

55:23was I never thinking about getting rid of the baby because of never I just don't I don't believe in it for myself you know Yeah, fair play. But it's just obviously what you've went through at such a young age. Did you go to any hospitals, any doctors to get your scan? I know you never said you got scans but did you go and get checkups to make sure the baby was safe? Did you understand like obviously incest that the things that can go wrong? Yeah, I knew that because he was telling me that but when I went through the scans I was trying to act as normal as possible but every time like they said something I'm like because I remember a couple of times especially later on in my pregnancy there was like she's really big and I'm like is she disabled is she disabled and the middle of us like must have thought I had some obsession with her being disabled or something being wrong with her but they didn't understand why and I couldn't articulate why you know so I kind of just went through my whole pregnancy with that were known.

56:28Were you doing all this alone? Yeah. Nobody ever asked questions who the man was. A lot of people asked who the dad was. I just looked through the story that I'd been told that he'd just worked from olden when I met him and it was just a one night thing. And what was it like going into labour? Hard. Hard. I just, I weren't prepped for what was coming, do you know? and I just, it was difficult, it was always a lab was painful and everything like that but I just felt like I was such a child and I just wanted a mum you know now I'm bringing my own daughter into the world it was difficult to know anymore How was it seeing your daughter for the first time?

57:17Yeah

57:22Like she was perfect, she got handed to me and she was literally perfect and as much as when I look back now I think yeah like she was perfect, look she come out and she looked like she was smiling. but at the time I remember thinking like there's something wrong with her but no one can see it because she looks perfect and every day I just felt that she's going to get taken away from me and people have some people have said that I'm selfish for keeping her but I didn't know what was coming to draw me and I just wanted to love someone like I wanted to give my daughter a life that I longed and craved for.

58:02people saying yourself it's your daughter who's saved your life yeah she literally did say I'm not you know and nobody's in that position to make those calls and you made that call for a reason because if you never went through with the pregnancy there's a good chance he would have ended up killing you yeah I don't think I would have got out yeah it's a brave decision to make though especially with who it's from you know so people don't listen to what people say everything happens for a reason and it's as sad as it is and a heartbreaking thing as it is I don't even think that's the right term to use especially what you've went through but having your daughter I believe is the thing that's probably gave you strength to keep going telling your story for people to understand what you went through the darkness the pain the misery the pure hate and the rage I've got like fuck me I've 600 podcasts and I've never felt so angry at what you've been through it has been hard it has been hard especially like the early years as well when I didn't know anything and then no one else knew anything and I was trying to just take a nursery always looking over my shoulder because I felt like the longest time that I left it and didn't go back like he's gonna start coming looking for me you know because I didn't stick to my promise then you know so every every time I ended up so hypervigilant and then when I went to the police and I told the police and then the DNA come back inconclusive at first and I thought I'm not lying about this I wouldn't lie about this and I'm trying to find out why and they said if it's too much of a match that's what it comes back about there was no one supporting me through any of it so I didn't understand what was going on what was going to come, nothing and then they had to send it off for more tests because it was too much of a match and that's when it came back conclusive and it was sentenced in April 2011 11.

59:55So you've had your baby, did he ever find out, did he reach out after the birth? No, no. He moved to another area and got with another woman and had another baby with that woman. How many kids does he have? A lot. Has anyone ever came forward? No, just me. yes I don't want to just start making assumptions but it looks like you're not the only one who's been no I'm not the only one I know that for a fact he used to brag when I was in Essex I'd just be sat there eating my tea and he'd be bragging that no one's ever got him sent to prison and stuff and he knows the system and he's really clever and stuff what was it like the first couple of years being a mum?

1:00:48or trying to be a mum and trying to understand that? I was very protective of her but I couldn't like do normal parenting so like baffing my daughter I physically couldn't do because he used to get in the baff of me so I didn't know where the line was even though I wasn't abusing her just naturally baffing her and that is okay for a parent to pass your child. In my head, I felt like I was abusing her because of the situations that he put me in, so mum will have to do it. You think you are becoming an abuser because of what he'd done with you? You couldn't actually be a normal mother? It's so heartbreaking because I interviewed the girl.

1:01:35I mean, she was getting raped at six and seven years old. When she wasn't getting raped, she actually thought there was something wrong with her and that she wasn't being loved because she was so used to it. It just played on my head that I was hurting my child and I was going to be like him and stuff, you know, so I just couldn't back for her. I just had to let my mum do it and it kind of tainted how I was parenting then and then because the only normality that I had was going back to how my foster parents treated me, I wanted to give my daughter that, but not having the mental capacity to be able to do that because all these things had happened as soon as that and my head was a mess.

1:02:18Did your mum not tell-tale signs? My mum says now she knew something but she didn't know what but because of my situation growing up and we weren't really close and I did used to blame my mum for a lot of things. It's only the last few years I'm doing my book where I've actually heard my mum's side of the story and if I kept punishing her, I'd just be doing what them other people would want me to do you know and have a broken and my mum didn't deserve it Was that one of the hardest thoughts though to think that you could have ended up like him? Yeah, I'm scared to death Even though there was no way you would have No But again, I've interviewed men who were abused and they questioned their sexuality Are they gay because they're being abused by grown ass men and it's a death sentence it's a life sentence for the people who are being abused and I think people getting community service and fines for abusing kids like it's wrong the whole system around the world needs to change and some of these laws in Iran or whatever it is you can get married at 8 or 9 years old that's paedophilia the kid's brain isn't even fully grown at 16 and as a daughter who's 15 I would change the laws to fucking 21 before anybody can have sex I didn't have the mental capacity to choose where I wanted to live at obviously people think that's a bit strict but I'm a protective father I just think 16 the kids they aren't fully grown and the damage that it's doing now with OnlyFans and porn it's so damaging towards all these people and it's all I see now is abuse and craziness and paedophiles the normal lives in a sexualised community as well which is just not right and I think there's just so many stories churning out on x and my job is to try and find stories and try and get people to tell their stories as well but it's it's tiresome because there's a lot of goodness out there as well we just obviously hearing these stories people might not think that's true but when you were going through that then for the first couple of years how were you trying to deal with it how were you navigating towards it did you feel ever feel safe no with your mum there like what would have happened if he showed up to your mum's house i would have come old i would have come old um i always thought because i used to obviously i used to think every little bang at night like i have severe cptsd now because of it i have visuals sometimes now i see him in my house and after it's like i have to walk through the ghost of him like it's that real to me but i know it's not real at the same time but it was it was just it was hard and i used to always think if he turned up now i just curled a ball in the corner because i genuinely just felt like i couldn't protect myself for him because no matter what I tried when I lived in Essex to protect myself he was stronger than me in every way was that a thought though that he would have came to the door and took your daughter yeah yeah yeah I was scared every day and then when he was sentenced I didn't know at the time he got a plea bargain but he was sentenced to seven years and I thought right I've got seven years to get strong i'll go and do like self-defense classes i'll go and do this i'll do that like i'll get myself mentally strong and physically strong for when he comes out and then found out he actually only does 3.5 but he got sentenced in the april 2011 and i got a phone call in the august 2011 saying that i were getting derelict to go and see my one-year-old sibling and have access to my one-year-old sibling that i originally went to court to protect and that messed my head up bad so you're going through that whole process you've had your daughter you're worried that he's going to come to the door you've not said anything for three years what was the what was the inner strength moment then what was the moments he decided to fight back and I mean the police yeah was because I was scrolling through Facebook and I said that he had another daughter with another woman and when I seen the little girl I just thought nah and I literally I just picked up the phone and just said I need to report sexual assault and rev and that started the process for it these people shouldn't even be having once you're a paedophile you should not be allowed to have kids ever you know what I mean chemically castrated as simple as that because if you're 18 months old and you've got broken bones and bruises and bite marks it's such a dark question but as a potential that you were being raped then?

1:06:54Do you know? Did you ever get your paper book? No, I just know that... Sorry for asking that. No, I just know that when I was in foster care he used to write me letters and I found a letter when I was going through stuff that he'd sent me and on one of the letters it says you probably won't even remember but it's always going to be our little secret but he wrote that when I was in foster care so I would have been like about six, seven when he wrote them letters to me. So the last time he's seen me I was 18 months or what's our little secret. Do you know what I mean? It does pose questions in my head, but I'm never going to know the truth.

1:07:34So you decided you seen that you had another kid. You've then obviously, again, that's why having your own daughters made you realize you needed to everything, not just to protect her, but protect those other kids in his life. And how hard was it to then tell the police? yeah it was hard I was scared I was scared um and then I got to like it would be going to court and stuff and I literally I didn't have no support for the whole thing like I didn't have no support from my anyone victim liaisen was supposed to be involved by us in them once after we were sentenced um so it's just a constant unknown and because I had to travel back down to Essex because that's where it happened.

1:08:21I didn't get to meet my barrister or anyone until that day so I was literally just walking in and not knowing anything. Walking in cold, blind. How was the police with you when you told them the story? Yeah, to be fair, it was alright. Was it women you were dealing with? Yeah. And how long did the process take? About, I'm going to say just over a year. So you gave the statements and then he got charged within that year. How did he end up getting charged? Obviously the evidence of knowing that your daughter's his. So how did you then get the DNA and stuff? The police come out and took DNA from me and then so I told the police and then the police come out took DNA from me and my daughter and then they told me that they needed to take DNA from my mum so it was the police that actually told my mum what happened and then the evidence come back and then he was still denying it and it was gonna go to trial and it was supposed to be a four-day trial but the first day that it was the court was at 11 o 'clock and at 4 o 'clock my varicester come in and said he'd pleaded guilty because he didn't want to put me through it anymore as if he gives a fuck he just wanted to see if I'd turn up you know he's obviously he was going to get 7 years the evidence is there does that fuck with your mind as well that he's trying to do something nice for you or do you understand he's manipulating you now I understand it now but on the day of the court I thought like Like, obviously, I didn't know he'd got a plea bargain as well, you know, from the thing.

1:09:58So I didn't understand anything, what had gone on. I just thought he'd got seven years and he'd be sent down for seven years and that he didn't want to put me through it. He finally told the truth. But now I know that that's all unraveled and it wasn't nothing like what I thought. How was the feeling when he got chanced? Were you more scared, though, that he might have done something more because he was chanced? No, I felt a bit of relief Because I felt like he wouldn't be able to come anywhere near me For seven years, that's what I thought And my daughter was free at the time Or when he got charged, when the police says he's been charged Hello Look what TJ Maxx dragged in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu We are digital, we are downloadable, we are streamable The fashion event of the year is certified fresh Pull yourself together.

1:10:48We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability.

1:11:27Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Did they get bail? Oh, yeah, they get bail. Yeah, I was scared then.

1:12:06Yeah, I expected him to just turn up or something. And in the court process, what made you go? what actually did made you go and fight through it because that's the terrifying part I wanted to protect my sibling and because I spoke out and like I wanted to make sure that me and my daughter were going to be safe long term as well and what did your mum say when she found out it was him? nothing

1:12:37can I ask you something though? why do you protect her then? because I know she's been through the same I don't know how it feels my mum never got support I don't know how that feels but look what you've went through you're not the same you would do her to protect her if that was your daughter look the mountains you would move so a question and I'm not meaning to be bad here by the way but a question why you're still loyal to your mum if she knows it was him who'd done that but yet she'd never done anything is it because her mind's so damaged as well I'm just trying to bust that my mum has been through so much and where I've got my fight my mum hasn't my mum just hasn't got that fight so she's so broken by it yeah

1:13:25she's always started speaking out about it all since I've done my book and it's hard for her sorry for asking no no it's alright I can understand that but I understand that remember you saying that at the start but my hands i'm usually on point interviews but my minds are a bit scrambled so if i'm repeating myself it's because it's it's hard to digest it's um yeah so he's pleaded to it he's got seven years of it he'll do three and a half what are you thinking then oh i thought i thought i was safe like i actually thought right i'll be here for a bit but then as I was trying to process it all and I didn't know about CPTSD back then back then I didn't know about anxiety like there weren't much information around it unless you knew what you were looking for like you wouldn't know anything about it right back back then and then when I got a phone call saying that they were getting day release to get access to my one-year-old sister I um that's I would obviously I expected him to turn and put the door because I couldn't understand how you're getting day release when you've just been done for that you know I couldn't understand it at all so and then a bailiff come to my house for my partner at the time it was an unhealthy relationship but it weren't my it weren't for my debt you know and the bailiff come and um I was cooking in the kitchen I was went to the door with a knife because this I heard this guy talking to my daughter through the door and because I've been told he'd been day release like it messed with my head and I honestly thought he sent this barely and I went out and threatened the guy with the knife and ended up getting a conviction myself I'm laughing because of the madness I'm sorry but that's the way I deal with pain you know but so you've got a conviction because you're trying to protect your daughter yeah that's okay you know no disaster about that and that's understandable who you are like anybody's through that they'd be sleeping with fucking machine guns under their pillow you know to try and feel a bit some sort of protection so somebody the bailiff was looking through the letterbox yeah i was speaking to my daughter through the door and then they opened the door and i could hear my daughter opened the door i could hear a man speaking to her you know she was only like three at the time and obviously i just i lost it because he's like daughter's stuff going on the house he didn't mention anything else and he was just like daughter stuff so I honestly thought it was like a threat from him you know and why would they charge you did they not know your backstory yeah I told him I told him in the police hell and that um I even had a psychological report that come back with that he had six personalities but obviously trauma trauma enforced um and yeah just still went uncharged me look I hate it because it's embarrassing because when everything because of the line of work that I want to do I want to work with kids and try and be that difference for children that I never had but needed and wanted and when every time I go to do a job or something now I have to declare it and then they come back like I'm a high risk and I'm honestly not yeah that's it I've had I've got a shoplifting charge and as they're on my charge sheet so don't worry about it and especially with your story people can understand it and for anybody watching reach out to you give you a job give you opportunities you know speak in school speak in children's homes you've lived it first hand you're utilizing your pain for advantage which is a fucking beautiful thing it shows so much strength um but yeah the conviction will always come back and bite you but hopefully this podcast opens doors for you so you've got that you've got that conviction yeah how do you then will you then diagnose other things as well because of what you're through yes so i i was having dreams and I was I have visuals I even get them now um but I kind of understand it now I understand cbtsd and that but I'd have visuals and I could physically every time I closed my eyes I could physically see him watching me sleep so I'd have I'd end up having not being able to sleep or when I eventually went to sleep I'd end up having bad dreams and stuff right where I'd have like chances to get away and then I never got away in my dream do you know what I mean so So it was like really, really like playing on my head all the time.

1:17:38And then I never got help with anything. And even when I told the school that, because I had a meeting at school, I ended up crumbling at the school saying like, oh, I got my daughter and that. Just after he got sentenced and I got my conviction and stuff, I completely broke. And the school was lovely with me, but I was asking social services for help to do life story work with my daughter. I thought she weren't just so confused growing up and just like different help and that. And I literally just weren't getting anything. So everything was just challenging at the time, like everything. Do you see yourself in your daughter?

1:18:18Yeah. I don't actually know where I'm going with this question, but obviously you both get the same dad. Your dad was a rapist, raped you. You had a daughter to him. Do you feel you're living your daughter's life the way your life should have been so it's like a second chance yeah i do overcompensate in certain aspects like that yeah yeah well i want her to like when she was doing any exams and stuff i'm like i just want to push her to her potential so i i like overgo about it you know so she feels a lot of pressure and stuff but that's just because i want her to go and do what i couldn't so yeah what protection did you have when he but so again so he's raped his daughter he's had a kid by his daughter but yet he can still visit his other daughter yeah and as got told when he gets out of prison expect a letter through my door because he can apply for access for my daughter and because it will go through manchester police and not essex or roldon that i was known to he would be granted access so when was this case the court case what were he was sentenced yeah 2011 in April so he's out now yeah he got out in 2014 so he's raped you he's raped his own daughter who you've had a daughter to him but yet he's in prison but yet he can still apply to see his daughter his daughter yeah like that's sick like it's sick behaviour like the people who must be running the show and these social workers, man, they've got to be so panicked themselves there's just no strict enough laws for protection, for women especially, you know, for these sort of crimes like, we see it now how frequent it is, and it's just the courts are so packed with it, they just can't be jailing everyone yeah literally I felt like I'd put myself at risk for nothing you know, because you still might be able to see her, now he can apply access to my daughter so I just don't get it And what was the sort of protection for you when his sentence was coming up?

1:20:32So I got there was a seclusion zone from like from Saddleworth to Falesworth in order and then not to contact me arcade and my daughter indefinitely but then I was getting told that he couldn't apply for access to her so So I didn't stand for anything in my eyes. And when did you find out he was getting out of prison? Well, he was only doing 3.5, so I knew he was getting out in 2014 in October. And how was that for you? Hard. What age were you then? 22, 23? I went to the police when I was 21, so I was like 24, 25. And did you never feel safe? No. Ever? No. Even to this day? No, not. And my social worker ended up in contact with him.

1:21:24And he told my social worker, because I kept getting told that he was around my house. Like, he was at the garages across my house and stuff. And my social worker ended up contacting him. And he turned around to my social worker and said, if you had a kid but couldn't see it, wouldn't you want to know what they're doing? She went, yeah, but I haven't done what you've done. And he went, if she wants me to stay out of olden, then she's got to look after her brother's grave. go down on birthdays and Christmases and it was coming up to my brother's birthday. So I went to the grave the day after, luckily, because he was there on the day that he wanted me to go down.

1:22:00So he actually tried setting me up through my own social worker. What happened to your brother? My brother passed away at birth to the woman that I went to live with. He wasn't killed, was he? No, no, he passed away. He was still born. He was born, still born. Again I could probably be stress From that woman Yeah I'm going to put all his photos all over social media He wants to be famous I'll make him famous I'll put every single photo of him on all platforms And share it for people to understand Because people need to stay away from this man Yeah he's dangerous Fuck him You know fuck him And it's easy for me to say Obviously being a man but yeah I'm going to put him all over social media because he's a sick individual because if dogs can be put down for harming kids then so should humans so he's got out and how's life been with your daughter and how have you adapted how have you tried to get a bit of normality in your life so I'm all the way up until about 4 or 5 years ago all the time before that I'd observe other people and trying to adapt to be a parent that I want to be and should be, you know, and trying to learn normalities in life.

1:23:22And I just observed people because I just felt so alienated in society because when I asked social services for help with my daughter, they said my case is so rare, like it's not heard of. So my daughter would have to be used as a guinea pig to be able to help her. And I was like, no. So that literally put me at rock bottom, you know. I ended up having to tell my daughter the truth after myself when she was 13 after living her life for so long so I felt I was repeating history because my foster parents like they they kept some truth from me do you know what I mean and then it ripped my whole life apart and now I've had to keep some truth of her to protect her but in my head it was like I was just repeating it and I was ruining her life you know and I really really struggled with it and I was just trying to adapt and just try and be a person that I'd want to be you know be a good person and be a good mum but it come it was hard I remember I struggled that much I had social services to section me I just couldn't cope anymore literally it was at the bottom I always in life I've always wanted to achieve but at that point in my life I literally couldn't see any way up because every time I tried to get up I'll do something something bad happened and I just didn't feel worthy of anything good in life like I just didn't feel like I deserved anything and I just obviously struggled through with my daughter I weren't able to work because I won't leave the house or anything like that and it was just really really difficult and then when I told my daughter the truth she started displaying more challenging behaviour you know and that reminded of my younger self as were so everything was just so hard like really hard what was it like being sectioned i didn't they wouldn't section me they said the woman before she left my house she turned around and said you know you're history and i know you won't do anything because you'll put your daughter first that was that was my cry out for help i didn't want to take it off me i didn't want to be sectioned but I had nowhere to turn.

1:25:29Was that no help at all? Literally no help. I even went up every couple of years, every couple of months, even to this day now, I moved over to Northern Ireland and I went, design, there's no help for a situation. So you're just a kid on her own. That hurts. Were you ever suicidal? Yeah, I've been. Yeah. Not because I didn't want to be here anymore, because I didn't want to leave my daughter behind, you know, but I just felt I was just failing. And in my head, it was like, when was the line when it's okay to actually say enough is enough, you know?

1:26:14So when was the first time you actually released it all and spoke about it and not just the police, but when you fully just told everything and opened up honesty with your story to try and I don't want to be negative but I don't think there is 100 % healing from what you went through you know I think it's just living with the pain yeah it was in 2019 so I was at rock bottom I just lost my nan and granddad as well I was struggling with my daughter I just managed to get rid of the unhealthy relationship finally um and i went to my mum's friend and i had a massive argument with my mum i literally threw everything in her face and every hurtful comment obviously i take it back now you know knowing what i know but everything just got on top of me everything was weighing me down i was struggling with my daughter i felt like my daughter hated me do you know like she was resenting against me just like i did my foster parents and i didn't want that um and it was my mum's friend that night he turned around and said why don't you start blogging I said what do you mean he said just write snippets of your story and I'd literally just done the freedom program and I'd done a little bit of CBT obviously the waiting list but mental health is just horrific anyway but I'd done them a couple of bits and I'd done a bit of EMDR but my body just it made me poorly and then I turned around and said what do I do and he said send me the article they said once you've wrote it and I'll do a blogging site for you anyway I got home and I was thinking about it and literally it was just like something like it was just like a turnover leaf because I started writing this article and I'd suppressed that much that I didn't even have to think about what we're writing and I wrote a bit about me and I wrote like a brief of my story and I posted it and I started getting messages through straight away and then over the next couple of weeks I posted a couple more articles and people was like saying how can they can relate to my articles so in one of them I said no one ever asked me if I was okay and someone someone messaged my daughter actually and said like tell your mum that that article's really helped me I was like what do you mean she went I feel that because no one's ever asking me if I'm okay and it was just something as little as that and people was relating and all of a sudden people are telling me like those stories and I didn't feel alone do you know and I felt like my blog gave me purpose and from that and I started opening up and just doing chapter after chapter and then next minute papers were picking up and printing it like magazines were printing it and then I was like what the heck and it was it went global somewhat it over 50 countries in the space of two years and I think it's only like over 40 ,000 views in over 50 countries now do you know it's been going like five years and from that it literally was like i had purpose in life give you some more strength yeah i could literally finally see like light at the end of the tunnel i didn't feel alone i didn't feel rock bottom and i felt like i was managing i was coping and then in 2022 i moved over here to safeguard my daughter and my partner lived over over in northern ireland so i moved over to Northern Ireland with my daughter and she started having some normality in life because all them years beforehand she couldn't really play out she'd literally be allowed in the back garden or in the house and she even even in teenage years she's like mum you're just trying to prison me you're just trying to prison me obviously then that triggered like I was trapped you know I didn't want to do it but I didn't want him to get hold of her so she had literally no normality she weren't allowed to bang in the house because it triggered me she weren't allowed to play upstairs with her friends because if floorboards bang it would trigger me um and just little things like that and then if I hear a bang or something in the middle of the night my daughter like adopted that protective role and she'd be the one that's going checking out she'd she'd only be like seven eight and then like eleven twelve and she'd be going checking these bangs out instead of me and it's easy to say like yeah you should have been the protector but I can't stop my mental health from thinking and I just always like shadowed behind her then and she adopted that like adult role in a way like that protective role you know so I've had to months since we've been over here and like I've got married and stuff and she's got a bit of a normal family foundation like she I've slowly been able to become her protector now which is what she deserves to know.

1:30:54Was that your biggest fear that because you've seen him manipulate everything through your life that he could have potentially showed up at a school, showed up at a park and tried to do the same? Yeah I thought we were going to do the same to my daughter. So when do you have that conversation with your daughter about who he is? When she was 13. Because obviously you had that conversation at seven and it's mapped out your whole life. Yeah but he was following her, he was following her when she was 13 so I know people, I have you told her the truth you're selfish and stuff but i needed to protect my daughter and for her to understand what i'm protecting her from i had to tell her so she was followed by um a man in a van so i sent her to the shop i hardly ever sent her out but people was like stay she can't keep up so you're gonna have to let her start doing little things because she started rebelling at 13 so i said go to the will you go to the shop so she's gone to the shop and i've seen a white van outside my house and i've gone to like the kitchen window like looking trying to look closer to see who it is and they drove off like sped off and thought it's probably a delivery driver anyway my daughter was ages and then so I've gone to the front door after a while and next minute she's turned up at my door she's white as a ghost and she's crying her eyes out I'm like Katie what's wrong with you and she went mum I've just been followed by a man in a white van and I thought a white van's just been outside my house I said where she went at the shop they followed me to the shop she said and then as I've turned around they've drove up our street and I saw then in my head I'm thinking they've linked my daughter to this house here do you know that's not coincidental um and I said Kate like what did they look like she went mum his eyes his eyes no he has evil eyes he's got them eyes where you just look and you don't do nothing and I know that so I got a couple of pictures of just a couple of people from my phone and then one of them him and I said is it any of these as soon as I showed her him she went mum it's him mum it's him I could see the fear in her eyes it reminded me of me what was it like telling her who he was?

1:33:00that was really hard I was asking social services throughout telling her I was asking people throughout telling her but it was like no one had the answers and I had to have the answers but I didn't and I think being emotionally attached and being emotionally involved in that situation just my little hoe I had to did you always know that day would come though that you eventually had to tell her yeah and again you're not just living with lies your whole life you're you're trying to protect your daughter but then you're living with that knowing that you're going to have to eventually tell her yeah you know because you would have probably known that this day would have come that it would have been following you when you were trying to manipulate anything about kids man they're so innocent yeah how was your daughter's reaction to find out who he was.

1:33:50I think it was hard. It was like, there was nothing. I was like, she didn't say anything. And I think that's worse to be heard. You know, if someone's shouting at you, you kind of gauge what they're saying on your finger, but there was nothing. And I remember going upstairs, and I was in the bathroom, and she'd come in, and she went, does that mean I'm your sister? And that brought me, that completely brought me, because you weren't. But all them years, I felt like I weren't worthy to be a mum, you know, because I've got this amazing daughter and I've just got all this trauma, you know, and I just felt I couldn't be a mum that she deserved and then she's going, oh, am I your sister, you know, that hurts.

1:34:37And what sort of protection did you have if his van's floating about? No, I think the police said they'd log 8. I ended up, because the police said they'd just log 8 and I really didn't feel safe, I moved. I moved to my friends for a week and stayed in my friends back bedroom but my friends lived like two hours away from my house. I literally just went and hid in the back bedroom with my daughter. What made you go Northern Ireland? To safeguard my partner. How did you meet your partner? Through friends and online. online and this and sexuality doesn't matter but I just want to ask you obviously because you've been through with him, you've got a wife is it okay if I say that?

1:35:18Yeah, so you've got a wife but was that anything to do with your past, the way you went through, did you feel safer? Again I don't even know where I'm going with that question but it's just to understand You know what, I've been asked that before and I'm just not sure because when I was younger they'd used to question my sexuality and like when he was saying like i fancy you and stuff on the computer i did tell him like i like girls you know like and i think it was always there in me but i do think some sort of me just wouldn't feel safe being in a relationship maybe because of that yeah safety thing yeah it's like um yeah i think it is a safety thing because different things that he's done like affects me in different ways so I remember he took me to Debenhams and it sounds stupid but it's honestly not because it affects me now and he said that we were setting up this juice business and stuff and he got do you know what is it where you have your own like personal shopper and he got one of these workers and he's like he had no money or anything and he's like we're setting up our business and my girlfriend needs a suit and he had this woman putting all these suits on me and he'd be parading me up and down in Debenhams in all these different suits and stuff and then I'd go on and I'd just wear trackies all the time and then sometimes if like right we're going to the pub you have to dress like my girlfriend so you need to put a skirt on and that this day now I can only wear track suits because I can't feel like someone's looking at me.

1:37:04How long did that period go on for with him? I went there in December, the 22nd of December 2007 and I got out on the 22nd of June 2008. I got out when I was 12 weeks pregnant. Was he rating me every day? No, there was physical abuse and then the sexual abuse it was often but it was every day. So you've then went, met your partner, you've told your daughter, like when was the last time you'd felt loved, proper loved? You are worthy, that you are good enough, that you are a good person? I don't, I don't. to these days one of my biggest struggles I know my partner owes me and stuff but sometimes I just get it in my head and I start thinking that she can do better at my things you know because I just don't feel good enough for anything I like that he's one of my biggest struggles I just want to say that yeah I know it might not mean fuck all but people listening to this will understand Jaren and you don't realise the strength that you've got.

1:38:15And I've interviewed so many people and you're probably the strongest person that I've interviewed. And I've interviewed some heavy stories and there's a lot of strength there, but for you to keep going, because it would have been easy to switch the lights off, it would have been easy to quit, it would have been easy to go off your nut. You know, and you've tried to stay as calm as you can in the storm and that's all you can do, especially going through what you've went through. And the warrior in you, there's going to be bigger things happening. i have just built a website and i've created programs to try and implement um helping society that just isn't out there but needs to be out there that i wish i would have had you know so i've got a program at the minute um grieving for the living so it's about grieving for people that stems from my foster parents and the abandonment the void that's left within you the struggles and stuff and I've created a program parenting through traumas like I said like I come back my daughter you know I needed reassurance with certain things and stuff so I've created that program and I've created a program to try and empower children like it's aimed at like year 11 children you know the older side of things because I speak a little bit about my story in aid appropriate way and try and empower them to acknowledge healthy and unhealthy boundaries is if you go home and your parents are at work don't just jump online and speak like you don't know who you're speaking to if you see these signs in a friend then it might be a sign that there's something more going on you know tell someone so i have put them together um i'm just hoping that i can try and get some funding like and just see where i can go with that uh but yeah that's kind of where i'm up to with myself how can people help you for people watching or listening how can they come forward and help you and lend the helping hand because I guarantee a lot of people will want to help you after listening to your story how can they contact your social media links?

1:40:12So I'm on thelifeofstaystone at wordpress, thelifeofstaystone at webidore I also have an email which is thelifeofstaystone at I think it's yahoo.com but you will find them on my social medias. And you're okay putting that out then in case creepy boys is snuffing about? Yeah, yeah no because I've got my wife and stuff and I know that where I live I am very safe, which has obviously helped me adapt to a more normal life, and now I just want to go out there. Hopefully I can try and get funding. I'm not sure how to go about it yet. The programmes are all there though. Hopefully I can try and get about getting funding or setting something up so I can implement this supporting society, which will be me helping other people.

1:40:57It uplifts me, do you know what I mean? That's the thing I get back from it, you know because once i've helped someone i feel more worthy and stuff you know so that's kind of what i get from it but being able to help people and be different and not have someone feeling so alone like i felt in life like even if i just helped one person i would have i would have done something good you know and that's all i'll do i'll help i'll get people to help you and i'll help you whatever you can and listen you're in northern ireland you don't ever have to feel afraid there's not a lot of people there and one phone call away and there's some mad bastards there to back you up, help you up anytime you ever felt unsafe and I genuinely mean that.

1:41:37It's not something I say lightly, it's not something I use lightly but I would with you and anytime you ever feel unsafe anytime you ever need somebody there to protect you and one phone call away and I guarantee there'll be people there at your door, people there to protect you anytime and I fucking mean that you don't have to feel unsafe over there and it's easy for me to say because it's just natural instincts now, it's ingrained in you but with the connections that I have and the people that I know, again it seems I would never do that you know, and try to fucking make out as if I'm the big man but I don't know a lot of people and a lot of people would back you, especially after hearing what you've went through today.

1:42:16What's your daily routine actually like now? It's just obviously focus on my partner and my stick kids and my daughter my daughter is absolutely amazing like she actually supports what I do and she wants to like be part of the programs and stuff and she wants to help kids that like her which I think will help her because obviously she's alone do you know like you have young young carers like because Katie used to be a young carer she could go to a group for that but there's nothing for children like that are conceived the way that she is and the struggles and the different things that she's gone through but she wants to be part of that as well do you know so and then I've just got a job as a support worker only doing part-time at the minute because I want to try and do my programmes on the side because that's my passion and I just want to be a difference to people and children and I just keep pushing forward just trying to achieve and try and reach something because I want to help people but I want to be financially stable and give my daughter and my family a life that they deserved, you know and obviously I'm not in a position to do that at the minute and hopefully I can just go up from there but you're going the right way about it and this is the perfect thing to do so even speaking about it listen, no doubt you'll be zapped I'm zapped, you know but it's going to be worth it it's going to help and this is why I love what I do because it does open doors and a lot of people might scrutinise some of my guests and why you're interviewing this and that listen, I do what I do because I fucking love it and there's meaning behind every podcast I do no matter the guest there's always inspiration there's always motivation if you listen and watch truly you truly understand that there's messages there for help because your story will help others a lot of people might go through life and think I hate my life and I feel sorry for myself and in reality you're blessed because when you hear this story you realise that your life ain't that fucking bad and I don't mean to use you as a kind yeah no that's just facts you know what the fuck you moaning that because you've got a shitty date worker you're not feeling a little motivated nothing's going to change the trauma that I've been through the only thing I can do now is try and doctor more normal life and not let my trauma define me and hopefully I can help other people push forward how's your sleeping patterns?

1:44:35rubbish rubbish I'm sorry for laughing but I'm trying to deal with what I've just fucking heard I'm trying to absorb you know and I've always I laugh at inappropriate times I think it's facetious but I'm not meaning anything by it I'm just trying to adapt to it I'm trying to understand the levels of what you went through which I'll never truly understand no one will how often does this actually happen because when you talk about your daughter going to clubs or meetings how often does it actually happen is it rare it's a lot more popular than what I thought it was with the way that the services was um like approaching it but did it's like they just hide us behind closed doors with no help it's like oh they've been sentenced now you they've been sentenced you're all right you go home and then when once obviously i walked through my door with my daughter that night that he was sentenced that was my reality to know what i just my daughter's 18 she's literally just turned 18 so 18 years and I'm still getting visuals 18 years later I'm still struggling to just have a full normal routine for the week you know like it's sporadic because of my sleep patterns because of my nightmares because of my visuals like it's still it's still real you know everything's still there and I don't think the system actually understands the aftermaths and the ripple effects of what trauma and abuse can do to somebody.

1:46:06And I think they need to know because without knowing, it's like they're not taking any care serious. All right, he's done that, so he's locked up 3.5 years and yeah, you just get on with your life. It's impossible. It's frustrating as well how these monsters can still get to see their son. I went through the family courts, never had any social works involved in my kids' life. 42 years on this planet, not one domestic ever. doing this stuff eight years you'll never get an ex come forward and say like never had none of that and yet the process that i had to go through yeah was mind-boggling to me like i don't understand that i don't but maybe i've been dealt those cards myself to um to maybe shed more light on it because it's um it's sickening how some people can get away with things but yet the others you just get completely punished like i went to when i threatened that berlith the judge said there's nothing stopping me sending you down for eight months I'm thinking eight months I literally just pointed him to move away from my house he's only got 3.5 years and you're like it's a little bit different but like where is the justice at all like there is none and how can like with him have you ever heard from him or any signs of him sneaking about yeah he started seeing a woman well he said he's he's always said to me and i do believe this because he's always said it he always knows where i am and what i'm doing and it's almost social worker that as well but a couple of years ago he got with a woman and he had this woman's daughter's ringing my phone threatening me giving me so much abuse down the phone and i rung the police and told them because i could hear him laughing in the background like Like, was he on the phone?

1:47:54I said, no, the woman was on my phone and her children. And it was all threatening me. Right, so we were on the phone then. I said, but I could hear him laughing in the background. Like, there's nothing we can do. And it's just like, it's indirect contact. And it's toying with people's minds. Because obviously then, it brings all that in the back of my head to the front of it. Because he's gone out of his way to get people to do this to me. So he's still trying to affect me. What about medication or that? Do they give you anything? No, they try putting me on antidepressants, I'll never take them.

1:48:30I take propanolol because I have severe anxiety, so I take propanolol, but I'll never take antidepressants. Because I've always thought if I take them, what if I don't know the reality of the situation? One day I take my eye off the ball and my daughter gets tucked, you know what I mean? So I would never take them. How old is your daughter now? 18. Is that still a concern? Yeah. but it's good that she's on side with you yeah honestly she's brilliant was it a concern like she might have rebelled because yeah i did think for a few years that she was going to resent me and she was going to hate me and she was she when she was when she first got found out she did say that like she did what i see you know she wanted to know my identity and stuff um i think now she's older and she understands the dangers of you and the risks that it does pose like she's got no interest there at all but obviously it is a bit of a struggle because in a normal situation a child would be able to do you know what I mean and that's been stripped from her and like she does have identity struggles and she does have other struggles and but she's like she does seem to be a bit like me at the minute because she's in college she's doing well she's working like I couldn't be more proud of her do you know what I mean and I remember when my book first come out and the papers were sharing my book online which is good because obviously it's sharing my book but then I started getting trolls calling her all different names like incest and stuff and saying I'm selfish and I asked for it and I shouldn't have brought her into the world and stuff and it crumbled me absolutely crumbled me for days but then when I look at her like she's the most amazing human being you know so people just aren't like why does she not deserve have the life and the best of everything you do get trolls out there but with this story i don't think you'll have many so the trolls will be coming from that fucking nonce you know that would be him making fake accounts because once people understand your story that you can even if you're a horrible bastard not to his degree you'll still feel sympathy for you i believe like you've got to have some empathy not sympathy but empathy like for what you've went through in your struggles to the people who are talking shit it's probably become from that monster i you know so you're going to have so much support now doors will open and i'll speak to people as well about funding for you thank you i genuinely mean that you i'm not just a man who waffles shit even though i've been doing it for eight years but i'm a man of my word and when i say something i genuinely mean it and i can't promote everybody to the way i'm going to promote you and try and help you because I'm too fucking busy but I think you need a helping hand I think you're amazing I think what you've come through and what you're overcoming and still try to promote a positive message that's magical that and a lot of people can learn from you not to quit, not to give up because I like to moan and complain but listening to you is just actually I'm actually sorry to say this but I'm actually going to be using you to actually make myself feel better because of the darkness again I don't mean that No, no.

1:51:38Because of what you've been through, I think, why do I need to complain? What am I moaning about? You know, what the fuck am I moaning about? Relax a bit. Enjoy life. But when are you at your happiest? When I feel like I've achieved something and I've helped other people and at the end of the night and I've got my wife and my kids and my daughter there and I passed my driving test last year as well. Congratulations. Thank you. It's just like little things like that. The little things for other people, but every achievement I make or have in my life, my daughter and stuff like that, I actually really hold on to it.

1:52:20I'm really sentimental with it because I've just caught with that much abandonment or losing things. I actually get scared of doing things wrong now because of the risks that it poses. So at the end of the day, if I've done good, I feel good. but that's an amazing thing and you're clearly achieving now like your story will help other people and you will help other people save their life so you're already winning and you've got a best-selling book and you're sitting on this podcast and us and life ain't that fucking bad how for anybody watching that's maybe struggling they can't, they feel as if there's no out there's no end they just feel as if taking their life as the end like what advice would you have for them?

1:53:03The resolve help them and set goals because you can achieve them and everyone's worthy no one deserves to be alone you know and everyone's worthy and there's something out there for everyone there is help out there as well don't just sit being a prisoner of your own mind because silence is a false sense of security and i found that out there had we how you feeling amigo yeah i'm all right right smashed it fuck's sake but listen um yeah i'm not a man who's usually stuck for words it's my job to speak but my head was a bit frazzled there like I've never been so thrown off because I just wanted to get out of my seat and give you a cuddle because you deserve a great life you've got you're having a great life you like you say you're making those steps to passing your test and raising a great daughter to understand you and it's amazing like it's mad and it's heartbreaking obviously with your story but big things are going to happen doors will open and you'll be the voice for the voiceless and that's beautiful yeah and also like i would i'm like proud of myself for my butt you know what obviously i just want to keep pushing forever and hope for the life's on my side for a little bit now yeah as big things will happen like i say i'm a phone call away and i hand them a hat that anybody who knows me knows i'm a genuine i don't even though i'm a bit of a show off sometimes i'm not out there saying oh i'll do this and do that i'll do things in the background and I guarantee I'll try and help you get funding and push things to help you and go after your dreams because you're already living the life that you never thought you would get.

1:54:39Five years ago if you said I would have been married my daughter would be settled and doing well I'd be driving like I would have never thought never mind having programs on my book you know so like I am just hopefully keep pushing forward and just keep going. Just before we finish up but the other question why you yeah yeah i used to always think because i know people say it's not my fault but you know i if one person did something wrong 10 people like was doing something to that person you'd kind of think right there's something wrong with that person you know so everyone who was who's supposed to love me i was getting hurt by you know so i thought i actually believed that i was unlovable for years and years and years you know sometimes i do still something does creeping and I do just think that I'm loved but because how can so many people just hurt me do you know and I do question that I thought I deserved all like other people and when I had it why was it taken away because because I had it I knew what I had you know so I knew what I was missing out on where if I would have never had it I would never actually known that but because I had everything I crave to be that child again but obviously I'm an adult now do you know and yeah but you've clearly got purpose now you're clearly finding your stride and your purpose is to help others your purpose is to keep going and keep being the light for everybody else's darkness because what you've went through like I was trying to keep like I say I'm a bit desensitised to stories but I was trying to I was nearly going a cut of times with tears and I was trying to, because I don't want to stop start either I just want to get your story out there and do it, I want to do you justice is you know I want to help you I want to get your story out there and I think you've done that you've already got your story out there so I'm just hoping this then elevates you again and help push you and like I say get the things that you crave and dream and everything that you deserve because you're a great person and I'm proud of you absolute fucking warrior don't forget how far you've come and like I say I'm a phone call away hello look what TJ Maxx dragged in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus We are digital.

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1:58:05Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Stace, would you like to finish up on anything else, my love? I don't know listen you've said enough believe me man thank you for the like I say the strength and it gives other people realisation that okay life's not might not be great but you can push through and you can still achieve great things again where can people buy your book for people listening or watching listen go and buy this book supports this and her journey and everything that she wants so how can people buy it again? it's on Amazon and Waterstones again listen thank you for coming on today you're nothing but a warrior and again I wish you nothing but the best for the future take care and God bless thank you