London Gangster on Fighting Terrorists & Paedophiles in Prison

28:11And that's not to say I worship the devil or anything like that. Some people always say out on my post, you talk about God, but look at that tattoo. I've got 666 on my back as well. But I have the heaven and Jesus on this side as well. And it's to represent that we're good and bad. You know, we are never defined by one thing. If you go out and feed thousands of homeless today, you did a really good deed, a really good deed, but then I made you a good man. Just as the same as you go and punch 10 gizzes in the face today, for no reason, don't make you a bad man. It makes you did a bad thing, a bad deed.

28:38So my mother did loads of bad, but she also said it was good. It was good enough, but she was, she was damaged. When you look at her story, she were left at 11 years old. All her brothers and sisters were adults, by the way, they were all adults and they all turned their back. None of them would let her live with them. So she had to go to care. She was abused in care. She ended up getting hundreds of thousands of pounds compensation through Dr. Bernardo, through all the abuse. Who is that? Dr. Bernardo. You mentioned him at the start, but it doesn't want to turn to... No, it's a charity organization.

29:05It's the biggest children's care home in England. They're called Dr. Barnardo's. So there's loads of them, and you'll get charities that support Dr. Barnardo's children's homes up and down. So there was a guy that was convicted, I think, about 15, 16 girls, and one of them was my mother. At 16, my mother, she's a stunner. She was become a prostitute. She was high class at the start. There was no drugs or drink with her. She was at Mayfair. We lived in the East. Then my mother worked at Mayfair. And then she ended up at King's Cross. which is like one extreme to the other on the street become become addicted to crack cocaine and it just took everything everything good for me just destroyed and if she weren't bitter enough from the life she'd already had she definitely was then and she just hurt everybody in her path she hurt everybody in her path and but i still love my mom i still love my mom and i forgive her i forgive her i really do forgive her i understand the addiction more than anyone else now and they understand how trauma can set in and make us fucking do some fucked up shit.

30:10But back then, you know, my mother was born in the 60s. There weren't no awareness and stuff like, let's get you some cans then. I've just come back from a retreat where I just did San Pedro, which is the cactus medicine, which literally, what a beautiful experience. It's taught me to places and really helped me look at them from different angles and came back with answers for me and the self. There was none of that. It was just, you're crazy or you're a bad person. That's it. End of. So there was no help there. What about your dad? So my dad, we've had an on and off relationship pretty much all my life, really.

30:45He's a good man. He's a good man. He's a straight goer. He now, you know, he's run his own print business. I worked there for him about four times. Got sacked, you know, every single time. Whether it was offering out his partners when I was a kid, being mouthy. I drove the fortle through the wall, you know, all sorts. He sacked me. I think I left the warehouse over one night I got paranoid I went my girlfriend's answering the fire I was doing a night shift I just left the whole fucking warehouse open everything hundreds of grams of machines in there and fucked off and then never even rang him so I look back Jesus he should never give me the fifth chance but I love my that shows you that he does care to give you chance after chance because when you're going through addiction when you're lost in life everybody's to blame you'd have blamed your dad he would have been the prick this and that but yeah he was the one who was standing by you the most.

31:33Yeah, definitely. Like, there's only one person that visited me during my time in prison. It was my father. You know, my father. My father was a person, other than the birds that you'd bring when you were in the jail, because that's what we tend. The only person I'd bring was my dad. I realised all the friends I had, you know, when we were wearing the Gucci and going to the prize and driving the nice cars, they were all fucking gone, James. Not one of them visited me, and I was away a hell of a long time, and not one of them. I think the letters, they ended within the first three, four months.

32:00They wouldn't be in touch with you when you first go to jail. Because they can go around the manor and say, have you heard this? You know, I spoke to him the other day. When it comes to Bush and Scharf, they're not sending you a£20 post-order. They're not going to visit your mum, your kid. No, they don't give a fuck. But staying with my dad, so right now we don't talk anymore. So this... I've been holding off with the addiction, obviously, for years. But of the last few years, it got bad, it got terrible. I split up with the wife. She talked to the boy. And then my dad's like, well, he's short your shit out.

32:30sort your shit out and I'm like I know I know and believe me you want to and only an addict will understand there is a choice there is a choice but it's a fucking it's not as simple as do I just want to drink that water it's like the water is just drawn it just come into walls but it's what you do when you come off the bender rather than once you're on once you're finished and I had to absolutely hit rock bottom. I have this one of them people. I'm extreme. This episode is brought to you by chat GPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about chat GPT work?

33:09It's the new way to use chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give chat GPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. An all new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in mom talk. You act like you're better than everyone.

33:44You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

34:21years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EbGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EbGliss. Before starting EbGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection.

34:49Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epclus and visit epclus.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. I know that about me. There's no one ever describes me as all right. It's all, it's either Brad's a cunt or I love Brad. There's no in-between with me. And then there was never going to be in-between with me when it comes to drinking drugs. So it really caught me. So then my dad, after a while, just went, I can't deal with it. See you later. Ta-da. And that's it. I understand it. I get it. I still love him. But I needed him more than ever at that time. My wife had just left.

35:31My son left with her. And my son's my world, you know. And I struggled by my ass off. I was on my own. A lot of my friends left. I had, you know, I just met a new woman, but I'm just being a prick there, really ruining that. I needed my dad. And my dad said to me once, my biggest regret in life was leaving you as a boy with the woman I knew I was leaving you with which is my mum so he kind of knew it was going to be chaos for me and he should for me out of everybody in the world he knows why I have these problems and I didn't fix it in his time frame for me it was easier for him to walk away and that's what he did so for me now I'll always love him but I think now I'm on the mend possibly people will think well six months time your dad will probably want to be tired I kind of feel like right now, if you weren't there for me in my hour of need, then I don't really have anything to say to you.

36:24It was fake, didn't it? But that's easy to then close that off because your dad was there many times in your hour of need. He gave you the jobs. You fucked it up. He gave you the jobs. You probably stole. You probably lied. Addiction, showing up late, not showing up at all. Like there's sometimes when somebody's got an addict, you can only help someone so much and then you need to work on your own sanity because you can lose yourself as well. So you need to step back. And how many times you'd have said, I'm going to change, I'm going to change, I'm going to change. And then people just, it's the boy who cried wolf.

36:56People go, yeah, no worries. People go to start listening. I'm proud of you. Go for it. But then once you do it five times, 10 times, they just start going, yeah, okay, whatever. Until you completely do that one eight and go the other direction, that's when the energy will match your dad's. I understand the frustration. I understand. But it's easy to think he's just walked away in your hour of need, but he hasn't because I'm only listening to what you're saying he's been there many times he's sorry for what he left you with with your mum as well but he never had a choice your mum would have been hard work as well and I'm not a fucking therapist but I believe you you will amend it because you you've clearly got that feeling for him there but it's just easy to block it out and go well he wasn't there but he's always kind of been there I think Paul showed him because I take control of the situation so nah I don't want to talk to me but I'm like I don't want to talk to you Mm-hmm.

37:44Stop them. This is how I control the pain. This is how I stop it being a rejection issue. You're not rejecting me. I'm rejecting them. It is rejection. And I struggle with rejection all my life, because I think when your mother, I think the main person in your life is your mother, as a boy. And when you grow up and your mother rejects you, it just creates mega, mega issues of rejection, you know? I've lost so many relationships with women over the years, and most of them are all good women. and I've just pushed them and pushed them just to create them to eventually reject me. And then I go, I knew you would reject me.

38:18And I mean, some of them put up with shit for three, four years of just pushing, just pushing them away, just not being able to accept love. And that is something I've, you know, I'm not cured, no cure here. It's something I've been working on, you know, at the retreat. I've sat on my own for 30 days, you know, in and out of going on hikes and some beautiful experiences, but I sat a lot of time on my own and went through these things. and I feel like I'm starting to get there. When you're going through that sort of up and down, you know you shouldn't be doing it. So when you start making the changes, you become a better friend, better husband, better boyfriend, better father, you just become better in all aspects of life.

38:54But when you're going through that sort of fucking transition, it's horrible because deep inside, you're a good person. I knew what I was always doing was fucking wrong, but there was something else internally that was controlling the decision-making just for that quick fix, quick escape. And it never got me anywhere. I just brought more pain more misery more fucking devastation and that's the thing about the love scenario like I always say but the woman how the woman's energy is in the morning controls the house how she wakes up in the morning is exactly how the house will be whether it's happy sad whatever it is like they're the centre of the universe like men need to be loved we just don't know how to accept it we're the protectors we're the fighters but if you ever fucking try and take a kid away from a mother the mother would do more damage than the guy the father as well so everybody's got protection instincts the man should lead by example but when you're not leading by example we kind of crumble because we know we should be doing that so when the the woman is trying to take control and try to fix everything you don't you feel less of a man for some reason because you've not got your shit together but when you've not got that mother mother mother of love when she doesn't know how to give it because she's never accepted that you know she never had that nobody fucking put their arm around her or a cuddle and say you know what what you're doing is wrong everything's going in your book here.

40:06She never had that. So how the fuck can she say to you the exact same thing? So it's difficult because when you look at the bigger picture, you'll tend to see it just, it gets passed down from generation to generation. Definitely. Definitely. I really want to break that cycle because I look at it and I go, you're the cycle, you know, you are now the addict, the prick, you know, you're the abuser. My mouth is terrible. You know, it's terrible. And I'm ashamed of it, but I'm honest and I'll admit it. I've said things to me with that fucking heart breaking and I've not meant to them but it doesn't matter if I come to you and go I didn't mean that to me I grew up in a household where my mum and dad would do that have a physical fight and have a cup of tea to give it for 10 minutes later no problem so for me when I'm like I didn't mean that babe I'm sorry it don't cut it does it you scarred them and I don't but I grew up like that and it's something I'm really working on now still fucking up you know but that's chaos when you're used to chaos that's all you know so when you've not got chaos you think your life's boring you think something's missing because you've not got that fucking cortisol kick you don't know what's happening so once you start being in peace you go no this ain't right so you're great cause yeah yeah yeah I feel comfortable I definitely feel more so I've come into money in my life in and out of money and when I've got money I fucking honestly I hate it people are like what like right now I'm pretty much flat at the minute really flat I've not even got a car at the minute last year I was driving a 90 grand Porsche.

41:34I owned a three, 400 grand gym, four bedroom house in Winston-Lyves, a nice area in Wigan. You know, the house is still there. The car's gone, it got petrol bombed. I still don't know which fucker did that. Someone petrol bombed that. The day I was fighting for the bare knuckle title, the British bare knuckle title against Grant Malloy got bombed. So I've lost all these things. And I was saying to Candy yesterday, we were walking along and I said, you know, none of them bothers me. I'm not bothered. I used to buy track suits. even with her three, four hundred quid tracksuits. And now I'll go to the market, I'll buy a Snide for 20 quid.

42:07I'm buzzing up all the Snide. Things have changed, like all that material. It wasn't even that I was a material guy, it was I was distracting myself by, if I build this much money, I can buy this, this, that. And also I grew up very poor, so I wanted to tell the world, I'm not poor anymore, you can't take the piss out of me anymore. But what you end up doing is attracting the wrong people. But it's a good smoke screen. Yeah, I'm a shot of shit. It's a good shit, like... People think you've got your shit together. Yeah. And then, you know, I convinced the world to be James, you know, I'd pull up in a lovely car, lovely house, got my business, got this, had the marriage, the boy there, all that.

42:39I was fucked up. I hadn't done a day's work on the internal self. And my dad would always say that to me. I just took on bare knuckle. Out of blue, I'm going to be a bare knuckle fire. But that's like, my dad's pulling his hair out and he ain't got much of that fucking left. you're like so you won't work on yourself you won't do like I'd go yeah I'll go counseling then I'd do one maybe two sessions and I'd fuck it off what did I go and start so I'm like bare knuckle it's all a distraction bare knuckle for me it's also there's a part of it that I'm not a violent man and it sounds crazy I said the candy I think she she was bad to say but she's on period or whatever and I said I don't like blood right she's like everyone's like can you not like blood I don't like bare knuckle I went to prison for jobbing someone up.

43:24But I'm not a violent person. I'm not a bloodthirsty man. I do bare knuckle. There's a few reasons. One's a distraction. It's a sense of self-harm in his way. Self-harm, yeah. I know a lot of the boys, man, they're ruthless. Some of them are the best. I've liked Danny Christie. I've always respected Danny. I've always loved him. I had him on the podcast maybe five, six years ago when he was going through. He's sort of madness. He used to do videos and just scream at the camera and drink his tea. I think he used to call it a brew I used to think he's off his nut But you could see there was a pureness there With his honesty People try and throw stuff in Danny's face The only reason they can throw stuff Is because it's Danny exposed himself For his madness in the past And for me that's a warrior For me that's someone who can make changes Someone who's not ashamed Because when we say not ashamed We're always ashamed of the mistakes we've done But it's someone who can overcome them So if anyone deserves it Who I've sat across with and had a conversation with as Danny Christie because the changes that he made and you could see him getting stronger you could see him getting fitter you could see him being clear in his words when he was speaking like he's a great fucking speaker Danny and when he started doing the bare knuckle because he can scrap anyway he just never had that sort of and then obviously the problems he had with the fucking the other cunt from Carlyle and then it just kind of exploded and he got a chance he realised there was a chance and he grabbed it oh is he he's running with yeah and now he's smashing it he's rubbing shoulders there's with Conor McGregor and he's one of the best fighters in the world he really is you know that's how good he is yeah 20 days unbelievable guy yeah and I would always support him and I always have and it's funny because I've interviewed so many people but there's always people you have a soft spot for and Danny Christie is one of them always supporting from afar it's not as if we speak every day but when we do this episode is brought to you by ChatGPT hey it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast have you guys heard about ChatGPT work It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects.

45:22And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. An all new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. four years ago we were just making tiktoks but it feels like there are no friendships left in mom talk you act like you're better than everyone you're not i can't trust anyone in this group she's just dead to me there's so much the public doesn't know watch the new season of the hulu original series the secret lives of mormon wives now streaming on hulu and hulu on disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply Hey, it's Kelly Rowland.

46:12You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about ebglis? Ebglis, lebrichizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids.

46:45Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EPCLIS and visit EPCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979 It's meaningful. It means something and I think do you know what? Good on you. Yeah. I think with a bare knuckle as well it catches your eye. So Danny caught my eye watching bare knuckle but I never reached out to him I never messaged him I just thought you were a tough lad.

47:21I've seen plenty of them where I come from and plenty of them in the jowls but with Danny it was seeing watching his honesty his rawness and watching his recovery journey and as you said watching the grads when I reached out to Danny and I talk to Danny every week now and we're going away on the 25th for 10 days in the retreat fight camp it's already sold out we only put it on 2 days ago that's with poor OD and I can't wait for that so Jack will make so much content with Dan because I think we're both honest there's one thing about me is I'm honest you know as honest as we can be you know and sometimes I'm really lying if a bird catches you you're fucking dick where it shouldn't and we're all guilty of that Not anymore though, can't we, right?

48:03Well, that's the truth. But that's, you know, you get people that, I've seen people on podcasts, when I went on Liam, I said, please, just don't make me look like some of these. You know, and I know some of them, we have knocked out six keys in one punch, it was amazing, but I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to, there's more, we know we have to tell the grit of the story, we do, but I don't want to come across that guy, because I'm not a tough guy. If I'm honest, and it fucking sounds mental, I don't like blood, I suck me thumb, didn't I, Gand? I suck my thumb, I have a tickle me head at night.

48:31I got a big heart, like you said in the past, with emotions and not being able to accept love and all that. I can take, people think I just took offense and being aggressive, it's hurt, I'm actually hurt. Yeah, well like babies. But like babies, but when the baby comes, we go, oh, but 43 year old bald man, 6 '4", we scream and shout, and then it's like, I wasn't even trying to intimidate you, but I understand it has, but it's more that scream from pain, and it's just trying to learn how to stop that behavior. How was it first night after getting a 10 stretch? What are you thinking? So I'd only done 18 months by the time I got it.

49:02Were you on remand? I was on remand in Belmarsh. And this is where I end up having a massive do, which made my sentence so much fucking harder, James. Nothing's easy for me. So we ended up having a problem with the 7-7 bombers. So the Muslims, they run our prisons now. Especially in the maximum security. And England anyway. Scotland, not so much. Yes. No, Scotland, not so much. But I never had a problem with them. I mean, I got up from the East. Then in my class, there was 25 Muslims in my class, five blacks, five white, because there was no tension. But there is now, and there definitely is in the system.

49:34So there was a two-minute silence for the soldiers. And I'm not even queen and country, but my Padme at the time, Danny Phillips, all right, Dan, he is, and he's kicked off with them. And he's gone off. And in the end, they've burned Danny's face. They put a glass jar in the sock, smashed it all over his head and that. I ran over. I couldn't do much. All the Mufti are there. they'd have stopped here, but I did shout some insults to them all. So it's on that. So the one thing about the story is all the white boys that said they were racist. These lot, I wasn't. My sister's mixed race. You know, my manager right now is a Muslim.

50:09You know, my manager at the gym I work at is a Muslim. I have no problem. But they were racist. And these white boys said, don't worry, we got you. Fuck them and all that. And I was like, cool, all right, cool. And we're walking down the corridor, and every step I talk, James, every time I got a little bit closer to these guys that weren't moving, weren't budging, given their duty of a staunch, one of my lot stopped back, and I end up there on me own. And we had a carousel, and it went off, and it went off with the system for a while. And this is how I got to meet Kevin Lane and Andy Shaq. And they pretty much put a stop to it when I end up in Franklin, which is one of the ACATs, one of the dispersal system prisons.

50:45Yeah, did they not put a hit out on you? Yeah, they put a hit out on me. Which, when they put a hit out on you, it means any Muslim on site must attack you. So you can imagine, you're not just looking for like what you would think a typical Muslim guy looks like. Danny G was a Muslim, you know, and I've got to give a shout out to Danny G. I know a lot of people don't like Danny. And I had one meeting with Danny in the system, it was in full-sum prison. And after I've had my fight with the Muslims, it made the papers, because they burned my mate's face and it was a 7-7 bomber. So it wasn't about Brad, it was about Deb, but it made me go in the ring, right?

51:16So Danny walked up to my cell and he put the Daily Mirror under my door, Danny G. and he had a Muslim hat on Danny. Now, I've heard of Danny. Everyone knew who Danny was. Massive gaffe. I'm fucking dead here against this kid. He's old, about 14-star. And he put this paper under it. He went, read that. Whatever you do, do not locate the F-Wing. And he walked off. And I've opened the paper. And it's them saying, if you go on Google Daily Mirror, it'll come up. Lag scolded. Prison splinter gang. Seven-seven bombers. And he said, they're waiting for you. They know who you are. Because if he's in the system now, James, if you are probably don't just leave the jail and it goes away they ring on the mobile and say james is coming to four sutton today make sure you catch him so you ain't getting away from it so i didn't locate the screws come to me and said you're going over to that one i said it fucking ain't and i'm not being funny james i'll have a fight you know i fight for a five for a living at the minute so i'm not scared of fighting but it ain't a fight people need to stop watching these prison movies where you just walk in bash the big guy and everyone leaves you alone it's a load of bollocks it's a fairy tale yeah if i'd have gone over there this is what would have happened they would have come out of a big pot of fat, they would have found a way, I would have seen it coming, it would have gone over my head, it would have destroyed my whole face.

52:26Or they would have stabbed the fuck out of me, in my face, my neck and everything. Because these guys are doing 40, 50 years, they don't give a fuck. You're doing three years, just on that basis alone, you want to go home. You're still smelling, you're going to get some pussy one day, you're going to live. They're not. So you're playing against people that are not giving a fuck. Plus, then bring the religion into it, where a lot of these guys who do or die for their religion, you're in trouble. even though I didn't insult her. I just had a fight over them attacking me, mate. So I refused to go.

52:55Now the Scrooge said to me, well, let's take down protection, which we all know what that means. Take me down the P-Dot ring. Yeah, by vulnerable prisoners, which I weren't doing that, especially in dispersal. Ian Hunt is on there, all these absolute beasts. So I just refused and they left me on that wing for six weeks and then I got to Franklin. Franklin's still dispersal, but it's where Kevin Lane was around his shack. Kevin's good stuff. Kevin's amazing. I did a little podcast With Kevin the other day I love Fucking nutcase though Fucking very good Kevin's a lunatic Very serious He's fucking lunatic In his mind I think he thinks he's sane But He's fucking crazy Oh yes He's lovely though Yeah Listen he's loyal As a fucking As anybody can be But There's something about Kevin You just know Nah I ain't fucking with you He's got that something In his eye Where you just Like I interview everyone Obviously some people Come on and blag Whatever I love these ass But He was known as handsome Kev.

53:50So when I've got to... He is a good looking cunt, Andy can handle himself. Yeah. He can scrap as well. 100%. I don't think there's anyone that could fuck about him when he was in the system. He was known as the guy, you know. So when I got there to Franklin, I said, what do I do here? There's probably still following me. Like, I'll fight. You know, I'm not going to fight me battle. I'll in case there's a way I could have a straighter with one of them. And everyone's like, not really, bruh. The only thing you can do is go and speak to Andy and Kev. So I went over, I spoke to Andy, and I spoke to Kev down the gym.

54:16and Kev just said no one's touching you here that's it that's the end of it and I thought Kev's handsome as fuck and this was like 15 years ago and I just thought he's not big Kev's not big people hear about Kev laying and they're like he must be some fucking 7 foot giant he's not and but he was right to his word no one touched me and they all wanted to they all wanted to kill me and I ended up leaving the system three, four years later with no marks on me no attack so that's why I went straight down to do Kev's broadcast with him and wish him all the best on the Lane's liquor and that he's doing really well and I'm proud of him I'm very happy to call my friend and I owe him a lot he's doing his hutch and that yeah we got pissed on it before I got clean that hutch it was in Berlin in Glasgow but the cunt across from the cell we call it a Peter in Glasgow but the guy who was across he used to make the hutch yes I ain't never felt right since and you're talking 20 years ago it was fucking wild that's ridiculous he probably laced mine with fucking smack or something but I ain't never felt right I ain't never felt right it was wild we used to make it put it behind we used to put it behind the toilet you could open up the the sort of thing with the toilet blanket and there wait a few days and then try and tan it on Saturday or Sunday night and yeah it was fucking nuts man oh god and I would still drink it though I was there was nothing else to drink it's very similar to it it's got different flavors but it really reminded me of the old school hoot what was the plans then when you were coming out of prison did you have were taking gear in there how was the addiction and stuff as well so i was totally clean in prison because in prison the drugs are spice heroin medication a bit of weed it's not a cocaine place is it you know you know you want to have a chat with the boys and you're banged up it's over you know so it wasn't a drug for me in prison so i did the whole sentence five and a half years clean i came out i started talking about with good people so i went to wigan i moved to wigan i met lovely lady started building a gym and friends and there was no drugs the woman I was with at time didn't touch drugs at all and life was just flying so I ended up doing 10 years completely clean not sober I got drunk a few times but drinks never been my by kryptonite it's never been powerful over my life although it goes around and now I'm with a charlie once that starts so I don't drink at all now not as it I used to have a couple of pints in my meal but then I don't do none of that anymore because it just opens the window it just makes me, well you're not sober so you might as well not be clean and let's just fucking start again Monday so, and I just realised I don't want to do that anymore so, yeah, I come out I did 10 years clean got up a new woman in the end and then COVID happened and COVID took away my reason why I had a gym by the really good big strong gym in Wigan Hey, it's Kelly Rowland.

57:04You may not know this, but I have eczema, so I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about ebglis? Ebglis, Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids.

57:36Don't use if you are allergic to EbGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EbGliss. Before starting EbGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EbGliss and visit EPCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. And when COVID struck, it shut my gym down. And when it shut my gym down, I had no light in my mind. I was like, well, I don't do drugs because I have to get up every day for that gym.

58:10That was my baby. It was my... So I was so older than me. So if I do drugs now, I'd also lived in my house. It was a house I bought then. I didn't live with a gal. I didn't live with a friend. All them people were anti-drugs. so you don't do that shit in their house. My house, my rules. And that's where the drugs crept in. Changed the circle of friends, not talking about with drug dealers. Fucking idiots. And then before you know it, gets one of them, gets one of them, and then chaos erupted. It took a few years for it to really come to the surface. And I'd say all in all, it's about five years to finally turn it around.

58:45And it's not that I've not used for a couple of months. I've done that before. I've done that before. This is the first time I've said I'm in recovery. I used my social media platform to spread that positivity of recovery because not using drugs don't mean you're in recovery I did 10 years not using drugs 5 in the out 5 in jail and that wasn't recovery I wasn't recovered I didn't work to myself and I was just distracting myself from other shit the only thing is yeah but the only thing is now because you're putting it out there if you ever if you ever fuck it again it's harder to come back it's exactly what I've done it but James it's so hard because that's why I've always kind of kept on the straight and narrow I have my moments And I think fuck this I'll rip the whole ceiling down And when I do There's no going back I don't have another recovery in me Because I've done so well Over the last 8 to 9 years To build something Build a brand Work hard This has become an addiction But If it was to go tits up I ain't going back I ain't changing again Because I've done so well And everybody would have ammunition Who had already been waiting On the sidelines for 9 years Is he going to do it now Is he going to do it now Waiting to applaud your downfall Of course And that's what kind of keeps me straight because if I was to go fucking nuts I would be the cunt I would be on fucking Instagram lives and Facebook just causing mayhem I would be out in every cunt and that's a scary place to be do you know what I'm saying because you bottled all this shit up and you think who have you taught all that dickhead like fucking hell because you do interviews people see the soft side but you still got that madness you still got that hate I just need 50 ,000 followers you're massive for me the amount of trolls I got offered out about four times last week of the leftist saying, I'll punch you already.

1:00:23And because I'm portraying, I put posts on about God, recovery. I know I even put one on the other day, you know, it was like, no child, a little picture of me, no child ever dreamt when they grew up there being addicts. I'm putting a lot of stuff. I'm getting people talking to me like an arsehole. And you think, because I've given that platform of gentleness, you'll always get them nobbers out when I take advantage of that. But real men, I've never had a real fire come on, or any man of any sort slag me off in any way. because real men don't do that to other men, do we? So, they're people in their assholes.

1:00:53But, um... Be on the gear every day? Was on the gear every day. So I would do... I would do... Nah, not daily. So I would do like a gram or two a day. Nah, nah. I was the guy that would go and do an ounce over four days. You know, five days on my own. And I ended up doing 11 days once. I did 11. The last year, it just got terrible. Terrible. Then I'd go and do two weeks clean. But when I was clean, I was just fucking recovering or trying to find my head and get back out there. in the end it was just complete chaos all i wanted to do was go back get back out of my head again because the more you go on the bender the more chaos you cause the more shame you carry the more you look at people like look at the lady i'm aware look at where my son's not with me and i just you want to bury your head you know what you should do you should get the fuck up and go and sort it out but if it was that simple like some people think we wouldn't have rehabs we wouldn't have all these fucking counselors and gurus trying to help even the government recognize that addiction real some people think it's just a simple choice um And I don't agree in that.

1:01:55Because there's no way anybody in the same mind would choose to do what the fuck I was doing. There was no party. I always say this, like, Bender, where you been on the party? Fucking, I don't know what party you've been invited to, but my party's sitting in a dark room with a dick that don't work, yeah? Talking to myself, pure fucked up psychosis, seeing things. What party's that? Because I don't want to go, but somehow I always end up going. But taking it yourself is a different ballgame. because if you've not got I think 70-80 % of childhood trauma leads to addiction anyway so everybody who's an addict are struggling they've been through some shit as a kid they just don't know how to rewire the brain to overcome it I just love the party I love the brotherhood like your missus used to phone and think you fucking shag it's a fucking room full of guys you gay shit out man everybody sitting with their tops off there's always a fat guy sitting in some corner somewhere like everybody's but it was the connection which is it's losers attract losers it's not to bring them down but he's never had anything the only thing he's had is each other so what he's used to say at the party for 3-4 days would last a week for jokes and then it'd be new jokes so he could connect he's would phone each other how are you feeling, let's go for food and then we'll go again Thursday night and that'll be us till Monday and we'll kind of recover Tuesday Wednesday but it was the brotherhood for me it was the deep conversations like I never laughed I laughed so much in my 20s I don't have that character anymore everything's become serious everything becomes business and I forget man why is everything so serious you can't fucking laugh everything becomes serious when you make changes because you feel as if you've got to be walking a different way but laughter man it gets you through fucking anything and I miss that that's one thing I do miss is once you've got that fuck it hat on no fucks given life is beautiful but it's just when you've got when you've got responsibilities when you're not as selfish anymore You can't do it Because when you do that stuff You're only thinking about yourself You're not thinking about the consequences Not showing up for your kids Being a shitty boyfriend Your mum's worried sick about you My mum's fucking lost two brothers to murder I lost my dad to leukemia Her son was in prison He was struggling with addiction But she's already had enough So when I'm coming out Instead of changing my life I'm not that fucking stupid to realise Yeah, I'm the problem But I just needed to escape I didn't have the inspiration I didn't have anyone to guide me Because it was normalised so it was okay to sit there until you start educating yourself a bit more surrounding yourself with people who do change and then you can understand okay I can do that and that's all you need is that little bit of self belief to make yeah yeah it's game time so when I went to the retreat last month I went to a place called the healing house and I met a guy there that's come off heroin for 10 years he was an added heroin addict which as you know that's it's a physical port as well as the mental and he said to me when he got back when he went sorry before he got back To know he was clean, he went and sat around the dealer's house.

1:04:52He said, to know that I'd really made a change, I had to do it. So when I got back last week, was it last week? Yeah. First thing I did was obviously shag the ass off her. And then I said, I went and sat around my local drug dealers. I went straight around there. And they were on it when I got there. They were on it. A guy sat on the couch, sniffing his back down. Another guy, you know, with my friend. And I sat there for 20 minutes. And I got up and I said, I need to go shop now. I want to go and buy some sweets. Because I've been eating fucking healthy for 30 days on this camp. And he come with me to the shop.

1:05:29And he actually bought me sweets. I forgot my wallet. And he bought my sweets for very chocolate. And he told me how well I was doing. And I thought, is that true? Because I'm probably fucking losing you a grand a week. You know, but it empowered me. I now know that that really helped me. Because we just sit around the dealers with cocaine on the side. We're gone, and I don't do a gram like everybody else. It's not fun. You talk about a brotherhood, and I've got mates that do that. I've got mates that have a great time. Do a couple of grams on a Friday. They're at work, buddy, no problem. They can shag the life out of the business, and they have fun.

1:05:59I don't have any fun. There is no fun. That's right. I could be in a proper way with all my mates. You know, even my stag do for my marriage, right? I, 20 lads, we all went paintballing, and we're going to have a big night out in Manchester. We booked all the hotel rooms. Went paintballing, someone put a line under me nose, bang, got shot in the arse, had a line up the nose. And when we got back to the hotel, we're getting ready, having another two, three lines, I fucking won't come out of the room and lock the room. I locked the room on my own stag do, and they all went out and I stayed. That's what cocaine does to me.

1:06:30So when I say, like, oh, you didn't, didn't you? There is a choice, of course, but no one would choose to do that. Who the fuck in the right mind? In the right mind. There's a mental illness when it comes down to some form of addiction. I really believe there's a mental side, like, I look and think I was clearly ill. I was ill to do what I was doing. Selfish and fucking all of other things as well. I don't try and push this. Oh, it's not my fault. It's a mental illness. None of that shit. It was my fault because it was a hundred choices choices before I become an addict. I made all the fucking wrong ones.

1:07:03Yeah, playing with fire though, going and sitting in that house. That is fucking gay. That is dangerous. I've never gone back to you, but I had to. Otherwise I felt like, am I? Have I really accomplished something? or am I just doing what I did for 10 years, which was build a gym, build this, get married, do all these things on my tick list rather than fucking face the fire. We're very good at self-sabotage. When life is going too good, we think, nah, this is going too good, let's destroy it. Yeah, I get that, and I've done that all my life. I have done that all my life. And this is the most positive I've ever felt.

1:07:38I used to have bad days, man, and I know it ain't over. I ain't here going, I've recovered. there's a difference between being in recovery and recovered I ain't recovered but I am for the first time in my life in recovery how did you get into bare knuckle fighting? Dan McGrathen, you know Dan Dan, I love Dan as hell he's fucking sitting in my podcast doing the gay porn and I thought that's fucking mad in itself and Addy's a great guy Dan can fight man he's fucking world champion isn't he he beat me up, we had a fight about six pounds to go So anyway, we're good friends, me and Dan. We were, he come to the gym, come join my gym in Wigan.

1:08:21And I'm talking to him and that, he's a dead charismatic guy, you know. So we're having a chat, he's like, I'm a better knuckle fight, I'm like, fuck it. Everyone's fascinated by a better knuckle fight, right? I grew up like Lenny McLean and Roy Shaw were idols. So I get to talking to him and we become friends. And I said, could you get me a shot at it? And he went, yeah. And he did, he opened the door for me and I went down to the arena to watch him beat Dan Lurwell. for the title. And I was there when Dan won. And I watched these guys' eyes get fucked up. And I was on the Charlie with the boys, right?

1:08:50When I'm on the Charlie, I know for some people it gives them big bollocks and makes them, you know, 10 men. For me, it makes me, oh my god, I'm scared of everything. I was like, Dan, I can't do that. I can't do that, mate. And I run Andy Bakewell. Big shout out to Andy Bakewell as well, Guerrilla Promotions. I'll be fighting for you next month. And I run Andy Bakewell. I said, I can't do it, man. I'm so sorry. I'm scared. The Charlie, huh? Two days later, Dan said to me, don't message him. Just wait. This dude had come down. And he was right. Two days later, I'm like, fuck it. Andy, I'll do the fight.

1:09:21Of course I'll do the fight. Too late. Bad fight's gone. So the end of the bare knuckle, two years it topped me then. You know, two years. And then Dan McGrath and again, we fell out, me and Dan. We was always fucking falling out. We were like a fucking couple. And we fell out. And we become friends again. I said, can you make it happen one more time for me? And he went, yeah, he topped with a guy called Stefan Hanks. Bad to the bone. My first fight, and I got the most viral knockout in bare-knuckle history. The first fight. I'd been ill for five days. I'd been on a five-day bender as well. And I stepped in the ring.

1:09:52Never boxed before in my life. I did the charity fight ones with big gloves and big helmet. You can't count that. And I'm in there with this Polish hooligan. And you know what the Polish football hooligans like? I don't like it a lot. They're psychopaths. And I remember even my friends were ringing me. And half of my friends probably wanted me to get battered to the way I was living my life at the time. And they were ringing and saying, don't get in that ring. Don't fuck, what are you getting in that ring for? And I got in the ring and yeah, I knocked him out. He's become my brother now, you know, big shit.

1:10:20I had to use World Channel. So I'm like, done. And then anyways, yeah, that's where it started. And because the shot was so viral, I then get put against guys. They're like, oh yeah, because of this viral look. It's like, no, I'm a fucking beginner. I've never fought before. But I'm fighting Aaron Ashton. I'm fighting Grant Maloy's for the championship title. Off my box, you know, with Grant. I just come off an 11-day bender. Can't just go sit on fire. But because of that viralness, people are like, they start talking about my technique. His technique's not that good, though. It's like, he said, well, fight.

1:10:53But people wouldn't understand. And that's why I always say, I'm not a tough guy. I have imposter syndrome to even say I'm a professional Ben Ogle fighter, but I am. You know, I fought forever. I go on Monday, I fly to Poland to go and fight. I don't even know I'm fighting. I'm getting on a plane and I know I'm fighting someone at Gromda. And if anyone doesn't know what Gromda is, Gromda is the most brutal bare-nuckle platform in the world. And the reason it is is because they don't have judges. There is no judges. It cannot go down to points. It goes down to somebody has to quit. Last man standing.

1:11:22Last man standing. So the fifth round is low round. And also Gromda, there's no soft fighters there. So you don't know who you're fighting, but you know you're fighting one animal or another. and I was the first, I was the third man in the UK to get a victory out there for England and I'm back out Monday and if I win that fight on Monday I become the first man, the first man in history to win at Gromda back to back twice and it's like, I still get imposter syndrome though, I'm like the fuck, how? Because I don't like blood, I'm scared I'm scared of the dark, you know if I watch a horror film James, I have kept me I'm like, would you go toilet?

1:11:58Like I fucking, I'm that guy but I suppose that's why I was talking about earlier we have good and bad and that's something you know both mine are extreme I'm extremely loving or I'm an extremely mean bastard as well and they conflict because yeah but you've got a what's three positives about yourself that you enjoy I like to think I'm honest yeah I do like I am honest as honest as you can be you know I don't shy away from my flaws if I'm wrong I have no problem in saying sorry um you know i was with candy yesterday in the gym and i walked up this guy was doing a like a videoing himself and he looked amazing i walked straight over to him you know cans there now i walked out and most guys are like fucking make your bird not look over there i walked over to him and just went you look amazing you pal and he's just like the fuck he's not used to that even though he probably knows he does so i'm not shy but i'll also be the guy that'll give you a truth What about what weight?

1:12:52So heavyweight? Yeah, I've got that there is no weight. So if you're 88 kilos, you can find 140 kilos. It's just, it's a brawl out there. But yeah, I fought Aaron Ashton, who's my brother. Big shout out to you, Aaron. I fought Aaron Ashton at 102 kilograms, which was not cruiser... I fucking know, still one in between. I fought a cruiserweight, which is 95k. Yeah, I've done it. I like heavyweight. What I've got James, I've got no real technical ability, but I do possess two things that you do need. I've got heart. I get in there with anybody. As I said, I get a plane on Monday, I don't know who they're fucking fighting.

1:13:30So therefore, you know, I had a fight with the Italian. They called it David versus Goliath because he was that much bigger than me, about three or four stars. But bare knuckle to me, is it because I like violence or when I smash people's faces? No, no, not at all. It's more, I like the brotherhood James. the brotherhood in bare knuckle is unbelievable even boxers that now do bare knuckle they'll say it's not the same the brotherhood in boxing is not the same as bare knuckle it's just something about that guy across that ring you know he's broken as well there's even something missing in us or something extra in us they are lunatics bare knuckle fighters there's something definitely missing the brutality of that sport is unbelievable but you still watch it, but you kind of watch it through your fingers as well, because you think, what the fuck?

1:14:21Like two human beings doing that to you. And it's the blood that sells it as well. Of course it does. You know, like the skin to skin is, you're going to do damage, but after a few days, the majority of people are brand new, but it's such brutal. It is brutal, but at the minute I'm doing, I'm reffing, I reff for a company called Levels of Violence and they do the all-ins. So like King of the Streets. So I did the reffing there last month. I'm like, I'm gouging, you know. I riffed the fight with Jay Mills, and before Jay Mills got in, I said, what are you looking to do, Jay? He went, I'm looking, he bit three people already.

1:14:53He won his last three fights and he went, I'm going to bite his cock off, Brad. I went, you know, but if you'll say that, and you're like, oh, he's just chatting shit. Jay Mills meant it. It's crazy. It's crazy to know rules. It makes bare knuckle look like a tiggling fight. I've been asked to do it when I do no rules fighting, and I say no. James if you're in the street and you you got to protect your child you gotta you know you'll do whatever you gotta do right but to do that for money to know that I might have to bite your nose or you bite mine for money no I can't do that in bare knuckle everyone I've ever thought we cuddle afterwards we you know when I was sober when I was not sober we'd have a beer afterwards we're all friends now you cannot be friends with a man I've just ripped your fucking nose off your face and you've got to go home and see your wife and kids like that.

1:15:41So I can't do that. I don't knock anyone that does. Listen, and no one else should because it's two men that agree on it and that's what it is. It ain't one man bullying one man in the pub. Two men, they both want to do it. Yeah, Rico, did you ever come across Rico? Franco Rico. Yeah, I went to Italy to watch Rico fight Sweeney. Sweeney's a nose on that ledge and Jimmy's a great guy but the story of Franco is unbelievable with the back and stuff and struggling and coming back stronger and then Sweeney battering him and then coming back and I think he got Well he's fighting my mate Conor Tini now Yeah Conor Tini's absolutely Yeah he came back and won Yes I don't know if he fought three times Oh yeah I was there it was in Florence Yeah Do you know what he meant that professional boxer Yeah I think he won the first fight I think Sweeney won the second and then I think they won the third Yeah they did it was five rounds and then they went it was a draw they went go on do another round did a sudden death round them two it was amazing I was there looking down on it in Italy with the boys it was what an experience that was at BKFC which brings me on to Andy Bakewell literally just rung me guerrilla promotions are about to do bare knuckle guerrilla promotions with Darren Till he's about to go bare knuckle and I've been asked and I'll be fighting July second week of July or guerrilla promotions on the first ever bare knuckle show I don't know who I'm fighting I don't really care James and I'm one of the only bare knuckle fighters that's what I've won I've double the amount that I've lost.

1:17:03But I have no problem in losing. And it's not because I'm getting to try, but I have no problem in losing. I think it's because I've come from my never boxed. Could you handle a loss, though? I've had two. I lost a lot in Ashton. Can you handle it, though? Yeah. How are you at in life? So, this is, yeah, it's a good question, James, because me and Candy were talking about it. I've trained hard this time. I haven't drank. I've not ate shit. Relatively done really well on that. been to a health camp with poor OD so now to lose is I'm the best of me I'm the best I can be at 43 anyway right but I have to accept that what I've done for the last couple of months these guys have been doing for 20 years so I still I've got by it's hard so when I lost to Aaron I'm kind and all of them I fucking deserve to lose to all of them that's the truth subconsciously James I'm like subconsciously I beat myself I've watched Dave Allen as well, who does the boxing, and he's always got excuses.

1:18:05I just wasn't good enough, or I never really trained that. It's like he's setting himself up for when the shit hits the fans. 100%. He's got the excuse, and I think if you actually dedicated yourself a lot more, I think that's the fear factor of giving everything and then losing and knowing that you weren't good enough. Of course, exactly that. So the difference between me and him is I never say that publicly. I never say I lost because, listen, I lost no matter what the fuck it means. if I win our bender, that's my fucking fault. So I still lost. There's none of that is any excuse for me. Aaron Ashton beats me all day long, and Grant Malloy will be a champion for a long time running.

1:18:3927 years old, 28 years old, that man. And absolutely going to be a legend. So I have no shame. Fucking hell, I was a fan of Aaron's, and now I'm fighting him at the O2 Arena. To me, I'm like walking around, black eyes out of here, and I'm buzzing, and people are like, so I'm commenting on me post, I went, unlucky, bud. I went, unlucky? I've just fought at the O2 Arena against Aaron Ashton. I'm buzzing, and I genuinely mean that. Could I have done better? Aaron knows I could have done better if I trained. If I fucking didn't go on benders, Aaron would ring me. And he'd be like, you're missing, ain't you?

1:19:08I'd be like, yep. And I got in the ring and fought him, and he knew that. He knew that. Same for Grant. I was outside before I fought Grant, having a pint with his coach, Andy Davison. I was like, I smoked a cig, and they're like, are you fucking real? You're about to fight for the Bear Knuckle time? I'm like, yeah, I'll be there. I've always turned up. I've always kept my word like that since I fucked up the very first one. Even my partner now, I can't be like, you can't go. You cannot go. You fucking can't. And I always go, I will though. And I've always been there. And that is why doors are opening still for me.

1:19:38Andy Bagel has just been on the phone then. Gromdera like, yo, come over. I'm going to fly out Monday. Because whether I'm a good fighter or whether I'm not, I will be there. You know? Yeah, Dan Till, he's saying, Bernuccio now. You what? Dan Till's waiting, Bernuccio. I know he is. I know he is I'm looking forward to I would be watching that if I wasn't at Gronda so I think Darren T will be amazing I think he'll be amazing I'd love to see Conor McGregor in it though I think someone said to me the other day it's very hard to get up and train from sat in sheets but you see a lot of crossovers the UFC guys seem to do better on boxers boxers are terrible yeah it's the stance when the UFC guys stance is dimming in the box yeah I get that I watched the DeGale fight and Matty Matty's a good friend of mine the Australian guy he was the biker man he used to beat up all the pedophiles he used to get them to dig their grave and say you're going in there you're going in there you fucking cunt but he didn't kill them because obviously he's going to get a life sentence but he used to give them so much fear to think it was killing them digging their own grave pick them in the grave and then just drive away mental torture because what do they do to kids they deserve it that's only that's not even a small percentage of what these cunts should get but good guy and I think he's fighting misfits now as well Matty good guy well that's where guerrilla promotions Andy said to me Brad come and do the first one on Gorilla for Bear Knuckle.

1:20:54Couple of fights, we'll get you on Misfits. Where's your wedding money? He's at, you know. I've never been to Bad Money, you know. Talk about Dan McGrath. Dan, you say to me, like, you need to demand money, you're getting punched in the fucking face. He's Bear Knuckle. I was like, I just want to do the fight. Oh, Dan. And he'd be like, yeah, you're not fucking listening. But me and Dan in a fight a while ago, I can't remember even when it was over. But Dan, he's not just a Bear Knuckle champion. Dan knows how to fight on the floor. Dan knows how to kick. All I've got, and Dan will tell yourself, Dan sent to me once, you've probably got, me and Richie Leek, in Dan's opinion, got the hardest right-handed bare knuckle.

1:21:28So that's all I had against Dan, is my right hand. If it lands, I don't give a fuck who you are, you're gone. But Dan took me straight down on me arse, fucking choking me out, he was on me back. We went for breakfast after, James. We went for breakfast. We fell out again, we fall out all the time. We like two old women, but I wish him all the best, I really do. But yeah, he's a good guy. I was not with him, but that day he was messing with me. I'm on the way to James English. I'm on the way to James English. I'm scrolling. He was buzzing. And it was a great podcast. It really was. Yeah, I like Dan.

1:21:54I've got so much respect. He's a bit like me. Like I said to you, I'm up and down. I'm listening to you. You would fall out of any cunt. Definitely. So would Dan know. Honestly. So would Dan know. I don't think Dan's as bad as you, bro. Fucking in game. But, mate, I think you would get on your high horse and then feels, you're the kind of guy who would make somebody probably shit themselves and then feel bad for it. Definitely. Definitely. But by your story, it's like, you enjoy the chaos so you would cause a fucking, that's why you'd probably sit yourself but even then, you were probably arguing with yourself so no matter who you sit with, you're fighting with.

1:22:33Yeah. Yeah, I could cause drama in a church. Definitely. I'm trying to, I'm trying to work on that bar. That's the last part of my recovery. What do you think that is? So when I was little, I was very soft. I was born soft. Very soft. Extra soft. You know, I'd give a kid in my school, didn't have nice clothes. I'd have a kid, blizzard having me. It wouldn't even like loo me. I didn't take a piss, but I'd cry. It was that soft. And it would beat out of me. I grew up in the East End. My mother would come home and say, Mum, I've got bruised on. A kid spat on my hair. My mother would just encourage violence.

1:23:04And I would hear my mother talking at night. And she would talk to her friend while having a glass of wine. And she was very attracted to her. I was always the man of the area. There was always a geezer, a fighter. and I'm sitting there, I pissed the bed till I was 14, I was soft. But something was obviously subconsciously took on. And then obviously there was abuse in my life, a lot of abuse, a lot of people took liberties when I was a child, and then in prison, and in the end, you're wearing this mask, it's bullshit. I'm going to fucking look hard, people leave me alone, put this mask on. Before you know it, it becomes you, it becomes a part of you at the minimum.

1:23:37So I know deep down that's not me, I'm a cuddler, I'm a lover, I wanna be nice But I've worn that mask so fucking long That he is there And he'll always be there But if I could get him deeper and deeper I'll bury him deeper and deeper So he doesn't at least hurt the innocent You know I'll be happy with that James Who do you prefer to be? That guy But in the right circumstance With the right person So if I was with my son I wanna be that guy If I'm with my partner I wanna be that guy But You put me in a bare knuckle match I don't wanna be that guy He's gonna get fucked up real quick Yeah but in life I think you've got to have all these attributes.

1:24:11Because if not, people are going to walk over the top of you. It's just the extremeness of me though, James, you know? I'm either extremely nice, but I'll take offence that you weren't extremely nice back, so now I'm going to be extremely a prick. That's what happens with me. People don't see it. They'll just see this six-foot fucking borgies with tattoos shouting. But really, I see the boy in me crying, but they don't see that unless they... You've got to say that. Even if you're going to have to give me a year to really get through that with me. and then if you're still standing we've got a chance.

1:24:39Did you get diagnosed with anything? ADHD definitely, I definitely got ADHD. I've been in mental hospitals and I remember at one point saying to me you're not mad you're just bad. I mean that's not, I was 23 years old, that weren't ever going to help me was it? What were you in a mental hospital for? So then it was like a suicide I've been with all the suicides. Stardium? Yeah so when my mum had done that and then I did it again, drug psychosis when I was about 22, 23 And I remember the coppers were coming to try and save me. And I remember them climbing up the window. And I'm in psychosis and I've hit these wardrobes.

1:25:13I don't know if you get double the strength or whatever in psychosis, but these wardrobes literally, I remember just collapsing. And the coppers went, fuck that, and just went back down the stairs. And then they, my mum was at the door and that, and they were like, look, we'd rather let him go to a mental hospital than arrest him. So that's what I did. So I kind of took a voluntary section under, if I didn't, I would go to go PlayStation and probably go to jail for a little bit. Yeah, and it didn't help. It didn't help one fucking bit. When I was in the mental hospital, I remember seeing guys and girls like drooling and just look so chilled, yeah, a dribble.

1:25:44And I would go up to them and say, how did you get that? Because I wanted to escape. I wanted that. And they said, well, you've got to play out this far. If they think we're going to fuck up, it'll be dangerous. So I went up to two nurses. And when I say nurses, they weren't females. They were big African nurses, geezers. And I slapped one. I just slapped him. I'm very sorry for that now. And they grabbed me, obviously pinned me straight down, and they give me a thing called, they call it the liquid kosh. So, obviously, in jail, we got the kosh. And they give me one in the ass, and I remember screaming, looking up, saying, you better give me another one.

1:26:14And I don't know whether they did or not, but what I do know is I was fucking... So I'm drooling now. And I can't speak, but you are very, very active here. So I didn't escape. It's a muscle relaxer. So now I'm sat there, drooling, and I'm going through the pain and I can't even get up for a piss. So that was a bad day in my life. That was really bad, yeah. That's the mental health. And I would definitely like to probably look at medication for ADHD. Because I don't know what your thoughts are, but ADHD and cocaine addiction, they're a totally different thing when you combine them. So with ADHD, this is what Liam Tuss was talking to me about before the interview and throughout the week we were speaking.

1:26:54when you've got ADHD and you take cocaine and you want to quieten the noise whereas a lot of people take the drugs and do what you did, the brotherhood let's chat, let's talk shit for fucking four days I take it and want the noise to stop because with my ADHD it's constant it's like fucking radio Brad FM it's just constant I'm constant so when I take cocaine it shuts off and I'll just either focus on some porn or some stupid shit and I'm just not with it and that's what I, in my mind It was the escape of that. Whereas other people take drugs to go to the disco, the rave, to chat shit, to be louder, more confident.

1:27:31I took it to silence. I wanted silence. The pain stopped for a bit. You have to pay for that, not just financially. You have to pay for that when you come back. When are you at your happiest? My happiest moments in my life is literally one of them, my happiest moments. I was still in Canada the other days, just being with my little boy and stroking his head. That don't cost no money. because nothing is probably my happiest memory of my life. It's just that him lying across me, sure I've got his back. And, uh, yeah, that's... Yeah. Do you blame yourself for that? Yeah. Ain't it mad though that we know what's wrong?

1:28:10Like, I've got three kids, three different women. And yeah, I didn't care if I had 50 kids to 50 women at that time, so I never thought I'd make it past 30. And obviously, it's the damage it does when you're older. Like, I didn't care then. but it's the consequences when you're older being raised by different people and coming in out of life it's it's just not healthy you know and it took me fucking till my kids were about eight and nine to become a dad to understand what it was to be a dad and not just get my kids give them to my mom but i'm out all weekend but yeah i'll get a photo and post it and i think yeah i'm the fucking dad of the year it wasn't until i realized you've got to be responsible you can't be selfish because there's people outside of you now you need to care for and then when you start understanding that because it's all frustration everybody else is to blame you know it was always my exes they were always fucking psychos yeah i think addiction and selfishness go hand in hand so a complete selfishness once i'm on when i'm on that cycle i like to think so i looked at it like oh i always left 500 quid on the side and it was always access to money you had a nice house a nice car you know you're fine but I now see that I abandoned everybody in the house I abandoned my son I abandoned my wife I left them you know so although there was money and they lived in a nice house fucking had it to me I'm a selfish cunt you know it's horrible when you think about it someone said to me the other day he didn't steal I didn't have to steal from my addiction but I did I stole time I stole time for my son stole the time I should have been giving him as a father stole the time that I should have been giving him as a husband when's the last time you cried

1:29:48um it would have been about my son it would have been about my son within the last couple of weeks i would i was in the mountains crowd over danny yeah like i try not post him i struggle to even see his photo i think about him all the time yeah what's the worst thing you've seen in life the worst thing um one of the worst things i've seen in life i was always in franklin prison and the Muslim prisoner went into another Muslim prisoner and he cut his face. It must have been a watch stick, so I was here. I was on J-wing, the brand new wing, and he was there. And I could see into the pad and he slashed him so many times that the guy had to hold his face on as he was coming out with a towel and his face.

1:30:27It was just awful. But it wasn't just that, the violence. It was like the other guy just walked out, calm as fuck. And it freaked me out. And he got on his knees, He's like, what? And he just put his hands on his head, and he just waited to be fucking jumped on by the screws. And just that coldness of violence. Like, I've done violence, but it's been from passion. Like, ah, you fuckers, you know what I mean? But this guy just went in with an agenda. I don't know whether it was a contract, I don't know what it was, but he didn't seem to have any passion. Like a psychopath, not in between his eyes.

1:30:58That was horrific. Yeah, that was horrific. But I've seen a lot of shit. I've seen people get burnt. and I did the hot water with the sugar and shit when I was in prison. You know, I'm not proud of that, but I did do it to the pedos. And before people say, how did you know they were pedos? Because it was really simple. We would ring our girlfriends or our friends and say, what's bloody Stephen fucking Smith in for? And he would come up on Google, you know, and then we would go that way. Which, looking back, though, is dangerous as well, because it's innocent, isn't it? There are people that I know are innocent.

1:31:30so would I go back and do it like that yeah if I fucking 100 % know that you are well there is no way Google doesn't tell you if they are tells you they're accused of it doesn't it but fuck it we were young and dumb what's your daily routine like now daily routine so a fight obviously I'm just about to take over a fight unit at D1 gym in Worcester so they've just set up another section I've been asked to run that for them doing classes like box fit you know pad work stuff like that I'm working out retreat i'll be going there like every six to eight weeks doing 10 maybe 20 day camps with danny christie's involved there with me and poor od i'm gonna be a part of guerrilla promotions i'm working with another guy to try to set up my own platform my own fight platform you know there's a lot of things going on there's a lot and social media for me right now it's growing you know i mean i think it was kind of almost ago i had 4 000 followers i've got 51 now and it's growing every day which is I'm monetised on there now which is not fortunes and that and I'll probably get deactivated because I won't hold back from what I want to say so if I want to speak about being a affiliate I will if I want to say the elite but just be careful because you've got to treat it as a business you know so don't go all out because if you build a good platform you can make good dough from Facebook it's the best platform to make money so if you're doing it's good to speak your mind speak about whatever legal immigration right wing whatever the fuck you want to but when you go extreme people deserve to be de-platformed because not everybody's got the answers you know and I think when I look at people there's so much divide what we should really be doing is all sitting together and exposing evil because people want to gravitate towards something and being a patriot it's good because everybody jumps on it but you're choosing a side for me it's to question everything work together but we don't because everybody's right you're wrong you're the extremist you're bad but wait a minute I'm kind of similar to you and human beings are kind of the same if you actually sat down some people are so far away from each other on the spectrum but when you actually sit down do you love your family, do you bleed the same you kind of think to see the world the same and there's extremists all walks of life but with the Facebook thing, keep at it you know, you can make money from it, do motivational videos, have your opinion, you can speak normally and have an opinion but once you go fully fucking full metal jacket then it just went out, yeah, it came off.

1:33:51I'm not going to go full male jacket, but like, I will use the platform to also say what I see, you know. If I see 2 million immigrants coming over, unvetted, whatnot, we'll ask the question that why do I have to have the passport? Why do I have to get vet checked? Why do I not get all these? You know, I will say it, I will speak my mind on it. You know, where's the women and children? The very simple questions that, if I ask them questions, I'm a racist, I'm far right, you know, it's a lot of bollocks, I'm not racist. I fucking work for two Muslims. That's both my jobs, both of them. My international manager's Muslim.

1:34:23My gym manager's Muslim. I have no problem with anybody. To speak truth, or to at least be allowed to ask the question. It's common sense. You should not enter a country without direct documentation. That's not because you're racist. That's not because you have an agenda. It's just simple facts. If women and children are getting harmed, they need more protection, especially in the UK. So I travel the world. I've always got my passport. I'm spending money. I'm not causing any damage. it should be the same for everyone else and if people want to come from war stricken places and try and have a better life you've got to integrate with the people you've got to then go with their beliefs and core values work hard provide for your family but if you're coming there a group of lads carrying knives fucking raping their women raping their children you've got to go I'm all for refugees if you all get the wrong idea I'm all for refugees to me what a refugee was is someone coming from a war zone so when you come from a war zone what's the first thing you know you would do you'd grab the women and children So when I just see men upon men, no old, no disabled, no vulnerable, no women, no babies, no children, I ask the fucking question.

1:35:24You're either all horrible motherfuckers left them behind to die in the war zone, or you're not leaving a war zone, or something's going on. So listen, I mean, they're entitled to their opinion, they're entitled to mine. And I know if I want to really be successful on social media, the best thing to do is shut the fuck up. But I'm not, money will never dictate that to me. You know, I've got 150 quid in the bank right now, as we speak here. My ass is going through to be sold. I don't give a fuck. I feel the happiest I've ever felt. And last year I was driving a 90 fucking grand Porsche and I don't give a fuck.

1:35:56So I will never be the guy that goes, I think saying that's right, I've got a platform, I would like to use my voice, but you know what? I might lose a few quid on monetization or social media might ban me. Stick it up your ass. I was doing all right before social media. Yeah, but you think about the message you can do with addiction, mental health, prison, overcoming stuff there. knuckle stuff, training, keeping tricks, so you can still do a positive stuff, so it's like, sometimes we get, we think, nah, fuck it, I'm not lying down to the government before, you know, you've got a platform, you've had a bend, you're in a fucking honour, sitting on a bend, what I'd lose was, I'd lose monetisation, so I could have sat up bread on him again, the followers come over again and we then take it off, we then stop, I know what you said, I told you, I've got my mate Nick Savage, I don't know if you know Nick, he's got four million followers, Nick, big shout out to Nick, he does the viral, He's like, oh, my God.

1:36:47He's just knocked into all that shit. But Nick helps me with social media. He rings me out. He's like, what are you doing? You're fucking it up. Shut up. Like, do that on another platform. He's like, you know, Facebook is not the platform to do that. And I'm like, my bad. And then before you know it, ADHD fucking's gone. And I'm running. But it's from a good place. And it ain't ever talking about people. I'm never like people. I'm like actions. This behavior. I'm never like that. I don't believe in that. because if it was the person, I'm fucked. If we go off what I've done as a person, then we're fucked.

1:37:22I don't believe in that. But I do believe in being able to speak. Yeah, but you've got to have a voice. As a man, you've still got to speak from the heart. But it's just sometimes we don't know how to communicate properly. Of course. Because communication is key. If you actually just sat down with people and had the communication, but again, it's all left and right and it's all black and white, Muslim, Christian, female, gay, straight, fucking, everybody's just at each other. We should be on fact checkers, James. Who's a fact checker? Who is the fact checker? There's no kind. We're all waffle shite.

1:37:51Exactly. The bottom line is... Put your facts on social media and they can't get fact checked by me. Yeah, we all waffle shite. It's just people's opinion. People can read the Quran, they can read the Bible, but it's still a book. The book is creating their voices. For me, you can read the Harry Potter book and people believe in that. The mind is where you gravitate towards. It's no different from having an imaginary friend, but if you're not doing bad from it, then for me, be who you want to be, but it's when you become extreme and then force your opinions on your agenda and other people i think now fuck off because we don't always get it right definitely i always put on my post as well like disagree me or you like that i believe in freedom of speech you you don't believe in god come on and quote on my post i don't believe in god brand i don't and i'm not bothered but you don't have to come on and say god can go suck a dick because i don't walk up to atheists and go you can go suck a dick i respect you're an atheist i just like you know i just think but everyone should have freedom of opinion whether it fucking offends.

1:38:43What is offence? What is offence? I took offence. So fucking what? That's how I believe anyway. But I think that generation is dying. How's your training going then? Is your looking sharp? Everything's going well. How do you train for a bare knuckle fight? So I'm probably one of the only ones that barely ever does any sparring. I'm shitting sparring, right? Because sparring is about 50%, 60%. But I'm like, well, what's 50 %? What's 60 %? I don't fucking know. So they always say to me, don't hit him with the right hand, don't go too hard with that right hand. So I'm like, I'm holding it back. I didn't have to stand in there like a divvy, getting punched.

1:39:14So I go, fuck's barring. So I just try to build on my fitness, build on my strength, work the bags, work the pads. We poured and that when I was out there. And the best thing I've done, mate, is not drink, not take no drugs, because my mind... Chopper. My mind's good. So like, I want to be in the ring next week. I want to... I can't imagine what you like on the gear of the booze. Because you can't sit peace. Oh, I'm complete still. Yeah, but that's mad to see like that. It's crazy. So people would think, oh, I know people that go and they sniff and then they think they can fight, they think they can fuck, they probably can.

1:39:48I'm the opposite. I can fight and fuck. And then when I take that shit, I can't do either. I would be like, please don't hit me. Bird would be like, do you want some of this? I'm like, fucking dicks like that. So why, that's why I'm talking about insanity of the drugs. Why would a guy that can do them things know if he touches that powder, they go out the window for him? like I don't have fun I can't talk to you like I can't be your mate I can't have a laugh with you I can't have a giggle I can't shag a bird I can't you know I can't fight I have no confidence I just end up going into a horrible place and then I'm like I'm not going to get any more high but I don't want to come down fucking I'm four days in here to come down is scary I'm looking for Mount Everest like fuck give me some more I have dudes I ain't giving you no more I'm saying you fucking are you know you don't start with your moral police now We're four days in now.

1:40:38It's too late for that now. So, but I'm so glad that I really believe that life's gone, you know. I'm sure people watch this and think, yeah, it won't be. Well, it doesn't really fucking matter, you know. How do you manage to stay on the path, though, especially being so up and down and quite unpredictable? How do you manage to go draw work? I'm busy. I've got loads of things going on, you know. The worst thing I did, I sold my gym. So when I sold that gym, I was like, I couldn't deal with the shame anymore. I was coaching people. I've just come out of a four-day bender, and I'm telling you, telling you not to be fucking KFC.

1:41:07You know, when I first started, I was from the heart. I was genuine. I was respecting for that shit. And then it's like, Brad, you just come off a four-day bender. The fuck are you telling me about KFC? And now I need to do 25 burpees. Get to fuck. So I couldn't do it. So I sold the gym. Worst thing. I don't miss the gym in any way. That chapter's gone. But now I ain't even got any fucking reason to get up in the morning. So now it's gone worse. It's gone worse. So I moved to Worcester. Fuck me. I was walking down the street. I thought, I don't know any dealer, it's great, I don't want to know anyone.

1:41:37I walked through the shop, I'll shoot you not, James. I walked through the shop and I had my bad to the bone hoodie on, which is a bare knuckle platform. A guy shouted from the window, yo Brad, you're bare knuckle, yeah, I want you. Got to talk to him, he's only a local dealer. So next time I have a row of candy, straight to that little fucker, ain't I? Straight there, bump. And the chaos continued in Worcester. So, I'm just so glad I feel like, listen, but I just, I feel, I feel strong, I feel great, and it's not from not taking drugs, it's from working on the root problems, and I ain't fixed them.

1:42:11What about the, do you want to speak about that? You messaged me, you wanted to talk about the fucking riots. Nah, just say, there's things I haven't said. Nah, fuck that, just leave that out, because you don't want to be getting, just things I haven't fucking said, or if you say that one, you repeat that, repeat, I mean, nah, there's different, there's different audiences in that anyway, so a lot of people would have heard that as well, so, it's just to kind of take it on a journey, You've spoken about the addiction, which is important. That's a big part of your life, just for people to understand it.

1:42:39You know, you're not alone, no matter who it is, no matter who's watching or listening, you ain't alone. If you're sitting there feeling the same the way things that you've said, then you can make changes, but fuck me, it's difficult, so you better put your big boy pants on. But for me, I had to get rock bottom. And then what, something happens to me, I go, now I've got to build it all back, and there's something that comes alive in me, building it back. I enjoy the build. Don't give me all the money. I don't want a fucking million pound. You don't help me You give me a million pound It's like saying You don't have to go out and hunt First of all you're like Fucking don't have to go out and hunt Buzzing Or land my ass for a bit I've been hunting For fucking 20 years And then all of a sudden You just fucking Devil makes work for idle farms Yeah it's more because You say it Because once you get it all You realise you're still broken Exactly You've got It's only fun for so much You know when you're a kid You think I wish I worked at Mackey's I wish I worked at McDonald's And if you worked at McDonald's And that fucking 250 chicken nuggets, you wouldn't want another chicken nugget.

1:43:35That's just how I describe it for me. And then what I do, I smash it all apart and I rebuild it. So I'm in that part a minute, and I've got so much things about to happen, and it's just, there's no way I'm going to go on a bender. There's no way. Like you said massively, I said, no, I said to Candid the other day, when I was in Spain, if I go on another bender, I ain't coming back. It's over. It's done. Don't just go. Do your thing. And I don't know whether that's, I'm not coming back from addiction, I'm going to fucking end it or my heart's going to go because it's extreme I'm not saying I'll do more than you I'm more than you it's fucking shameful don't boast in here it takes its toll but just make sure when this goes out that you enjoy it embrace it and go do you know what I've came a long way yeah yeah definitely which is important but now you know social media now you know about trolling and people talking shit it happens no matter what you do I was doing a homeless documentary and people were still talking shit one of the cunts in the comments was saying but what about the dogs in China and I'm thinking I've just slept in the streets for fucking seven days and somebody's just come to a negative what about the dogs in China why don't you do something about the dogs in China and I think I've just slept for seven days on the street it's insane I get so much of it now I'll put a post on about recovery and you know this and the other and someone just goes turkey teeth and I'm just like fucking bad how is that a bad thing that somebody's got nice teeth like we're living in a society what you want my teeth to be yellow you cunt what is it you want I did a bunch of bad days.

1:45:00It's madness how that seems to be a thing. Yeah, I get turkey teeth. Or because I train and that, I get, it's definitely on steroids, fucking steroids. When you say turkey teeth, it means I got nice teeth. When you say I'm on steroids, it means you think I look well. You know, I haven't really got much to say about me voice. I go, what the fuck's wrong with my voice? It's just been like this for years. I think my balls dropped twice when I was a kid, I don't know. Yeah, what is that? Are you smoking? Dunno, I don't know. I smoked all my life. and it's, I listened to her in video of me speaking about eight years ago in me gym and it weren't strong then, was it?

1:45:33But she didn't like it. She loves the deep voice, so I'm fucking winning there anyway. And I do get inboxed on fucking women back in the day. They love it, so I'm not really bothered. Back in the day. Do you know what? Covered your tracks there, you haven't counted me. When I did Liam Tufts, I mean, I couldn't have given him any more red flags. I went, I'm an addict. I just fucking got a broken marriage. been a shit dad been to prison who are fuck up my fucking inbox went ring and I just thought you women that complain about red flags I literally listed 27 for you and you still fucking messaged me but you've got the serial killers in America and they're fucking they're mail thousands of letters per week crazy like people are fucking wired wrong you know like people are wired wrong women complain that are looking for the nice man the good man when they get him they fuck him off or they're fucking cheating behind the cunts back because he's just too soft, he's just too nice.

1:46:28It's like you can't fucking win. Absolutely. For anybody who watches or listening, just promote your red flags, you'll get a bird no problem. Definitely. How are you feeling today, brother? I feel great, mate. I'm going to have a moose around London, which is obviously where I'm from, born and raised. And it's been another mate coming down here. My final note would just be that, you know, I'm coming from my mum's clean now and I just want to get back to my son now. I knew I had to prove to the ex-wife you know and it's going to take maybe a little bit longer however long she needs whatever she thinks but yeah this is what it's about the main goal of my life ain't riches money being a fucking champ being all far it's all bollocks it's all distractions it's all glitter and shiny shit I just want to continue my relationship with Khan and be back in my boy's life because he's everything to me and it's people you know when you go for addiction it looks like I gave you a child and everything to you, you selfish cunt, and I get that.

1:47:27That's addiction. That really is. Until you conquer that, you will not be a good dad. You will not be a good friend. I had one of my mates, Tommy. Tommy Guildford, good bare knuckle fighter. I messaged him the other day, and he blocked me. I said, Kenny, you fucking blocked me? It's me pal. So now I messaged him on my normal message. I went, Tommy, you're a bare knuckle fighter, and you've just blocked me like a bitch. Like, what are you doing? What was your problem? And then he rung me up. He went, I fucking rang you twice, yeah, to check on you after you've finished. You've never bothered with me in the last six months.

1:47:57You've never checked on me kid, you've never checked on this, that I had babies. And I sat there, James, and I realised that in addiction we are just fucking selfish, man. Like, that's just Tommy, one person. How many other friends, family, have I just... it's all about me. It's all about me. That's even when it comes down to your children and, you know, you're not doing that consciously. Subconsciously, though, you're a fucking shambles and you let everybody down. and that's the hard thing about being in recovery now so there's one thing not using drinking drugs but now you so where's my escape because now i've got a face i've only got to face all the trauma that already made me want to use drinking drugs i'm now using facing the trauma of what i've done on the drinking drugs which is be a piece of shit you know selfish piece of shit let everybody down so i'm very thankful to the couple of people that are still there yeah but that takes time and like is say hopefully one day you'll have your son back you'll have your dad back everything will be sweet because the only time you got emotional speaking about your son so that's the one thing that you want back more than anything the only person who can change that is you so it depends on how much you want it you know no oh i've got an excuse oh i lost my fight oh i stubbed my toe fuck all that shit yeah i mean so this is the this is your time now you know you're sitting in podcasts in front of fucking millions of people on all platforms so you can't then go back and what you say you've got to fucking own it you've got to lead by example not just for yourself but for your son that is one thing to is why i've been putting on social media it's not it's not to go look at me i'm doing well i'm team i was gonna have fucking nothing to do with that it's i know when i go on a bender they're not here for me for five days so i know the whole world's gonna be like and all about you fucking you fucked and i need that that's a good thing for me believe it or not because it's another reason not to go as an adage you need multiple reasons not to go on that bender it's not just one so for me it's like and I know publicly I've made it public so there's fucking thousands of people watching just be careful with it as well because sometimes we think yeah we're too honest and do you know what I fucked it and I'm sorry but then people eventually just go do you know what he's always sorry you know because sometimes being too honest is a form of manipulation as if you're telling everybody you're honest but really you're still a fucking psycho do you know what I'm saying like everything yeah I'm honest I've got this addiction this all these red flags there's a lot of shit we don't speak about as well other shit I'll go to the grave with, you know, and even though, yeah, you're honest and this and that, and I think, you don't know nothing, you cunt.

1:50:18Yeah, it's like saying, I'm an addict, I'm an addict, I'm an addict, it's being honest, right, but you're also saying, just accept me for who I am. Yeah, let me accept you for my fucker. Just don't accept what I'm going to fuck about. Yeah. Let you down, I'm going to destroy lives. That's my mum's sense, man. So we need to be careful with that as well, you know. Definitely. Because you'll feel more pressure on your shoulders as well if people are in boxing you saying, you know what, I'm off at one week, all to you, thanks, inspiration. That then becomes pressure. in itself so and that's what we look for we look for the little loopholes because I was 8 years clean I done ayahuasca 5 years ago and my sponsors were saying you can't be doing that you can't but in my mind I'm making a documentary I can do that so I went to fucking Costa Rica and got on it for 7 days that was madness yeah well we're going to do that one next Sam Bedro which is the cactus he's Alaska is that 6 hours or something like that that's 12 hours mine was A Yeah this is I think it was 8 hours 8 hours 8 hours Last night was 12 hours But people were I wasn't So I'd done everything I was vegetarian Never done all the mad shit I wasn't drinking Taking gear I was going in a good place But People are going up And drinking half a cup I'm taking a full cup And then I'm thinking This is shit 20 minutes later Another full cup I was taking 3 cups So by that time I was just I woke up And they had to carry my mattress And I was outside I woke up outside No curbs there You're in this temple with 60 people because they kept calling me the laughing Scotsman I would laugh so if I go after a no I would laugh because I'll think of something funny and people go he's a right cunt him I'm just nervous I don't know how to handle it so the the shaman says laughing Scotsman silly boy silly boy and I'm thinking what's this cunt talking about why is she singling me out because when I was laughing it would become infectious everybody would laugh in the room so it was like I was irritating everyone I was I was taken away for their journey because when everything in trauma because I was saying to the shaman what the fuck is she saying silly boy laughing boy she says because every time you're feeling vulnerable you laugh like she says seen small child so all she would see is the young me laughing through the pain so I would laugh through all the bad experiences so because I was scared it was laughing so instead of me thinking I'm enjoying myself and this is great it was just a scary experience because it kept telling me to surrender and I wasn't surrendering because the roof was on fire Like it was fucking crazy And it was like hell But It's when you come back You can process it all But I think the placebo effect Comes into play Where you convince yourself It's going to help But I was going in a great place Life is still good Struggle with my eating a lot Like fucking just Eat my emotions Eat, eat, eat, eat Like that's Everything I've replaced everything with food But What can we do brother We're a work and process Absolutely For anybody watching brother That's maybe in a life of struggle Sitting Listening Thinking Yep that's me what advice would you have for them like i don't want to put myself out there like i i've got the answer because i haven't i'm very early on in my own journey and i think no matter what anyone says to you all of my mates yesterday and he were broken he's a strong guy very good boxer and i didn't walk up to him and go yeah here's the advice because it's just patronizing to someone struggling with addiction i had every reason to stop taking drugs my son my wife at the time my new partner all these reasons and they were enough you will only stop you will only stop when you are fucking ready where it all has to be something the end of the road or you know if you don't maybe you the end of the road will be different for you you'll fucking go you'll be dead there is there's no advice you just say go ca think of your family you know i did all these things and you have to be ready you have to want it more than anything else and you have to accept it's fucking hard.

1:54:06You have to let, you know, and then you have to work on yourself and face yourself, and you've got to face all the shit you did, and that's the hardest part. I don't sit here clocking drugs. I'm begging a bender, but what happens for me now is I've got to look at that guy sober and fucking think of all the shit he's done. And then the other stuff that you didn't do that was done to you, you've got to face that with no escape. You've got to try and maybe find another escape. I ain't quite found that yet. You know, get busy with building this and building that but i would like a way of leaving it behind and even i don't know how to do that yet i just say to anybody step by step day by day you know don't keep punishing yourself for what you did as that guy and the addiction everybody out here james other than jesus the only man ever walked the earth and sinned we all sinned we all up and people always compare well you did worse than me because you were on crack and heroin i was only on cocaine and while you was on cocaine i was on heroin or you know it's all bollocks you know you know we all up and uh if there's a god or an all-seeing eye or the universe whatever he sees it all and that you see it most of all you see it but at least you're on the path now brah which are social media links how can people get in contact with you yeah bradley donovan on facebook and brad donovan 523 on instagram there is a tiktok ad and my sister runs i don't rerun it but you'll find it there'll be a picture of my I've got it somewhere.

1:55:28Yeah, give us a follow. Give us a message if you want to chat. I get a lot of messages that I do get through to people in the end. It does take a while, though, sometimes. But it's never out of ignorance or, oh, I think I'm too good to message you back. But just be patient if you do want to send a message. But James has been amazing. My brother. I absolutely loved it. I wish you nothing but the best for the future. Good luck with your fight and keep going, brother. Thank you very much. God bless you. Appreciate you.