My Life in the Triads - Gang Leader Johnny Chang Tells His Story

38:18You just have to handle your own. And I learned that at a very young age too, 16, 17, I was able to grasp that concept. What's your mom saying at that point? Did you totally block off your feelings and emotions with family? Yeah. So it wouldn't affect you, but again, it's your mother, same as myself when I was doing shit back in the days. It's the pain and the misery and the trauma that you caused them. Sure. And for what? Right, right. You know, my mom was we never really spoke believe it or not she was always siding with my dad so always had a very big um heart of resentment she's scared of your dad she was very terrified of him yeah and um yeah so she she just we didn't really speak um she would tell me things like you know i'm sorry you know that dad hit you and i'm like mom like i would not allow her to like get into the core of my heart because I knew that that was a sign of weakness you can't be crying in prison you know people are going to see that and there's a lot of predators in there so I would just like it would be points where I wouldn't even visit my mom and this is wrong but I would you know she would drive about two two and a half hours to get to where I was at and there's times where like I wouldn't want to hear her speaking about you know the past and like how wrong she did me and this because I would I would then get emotional so there's times where I would reject her visits and stuff like that you know it was very hard now that I think about it um to do that to my own mom you know but um she tried she tried to you know she was Buddhist so she would give me like little chants and stuff like that you know we're traditionally we're raised Buddhist um most Chinese households but um yeah she she just really like try to lead me correctly um in there spiritually, you know, giving me these Buddhist chants, prayers and stuff like that.

40:11And, um, yeah. Yeah. What was it like in the adult prison? How did you get through it? Again, was it, did you have gang members in with you? Yes. Yes. Yes. Every yard that I went to, thankfully, I think was a blessing. We had homies, people from my neighborhood, um, different sides, different factions, but same umbrella, same gang, you know? So, uh, it was, it was good, actually. they welcomed me in. And I started to, believe it or not, really meet a lot of good people in prison. I thought it was going to be all crazy, which it is, but there were actually a lot of people who were mature. There were people who were very disciplined, believe it or not.

40:50And California prisons are very respectful. They're ran almost very militant, where if you step behind somebody, you say, excuse me, you know, things like that. So I was actually taught to clean my cell i had a lot of like physical endurance because you're doing calisthenics burpees you got to be very innovative about the way you work because they're not giving prisoners barbells and you know dumbbells will kill each other so you have to like find out ways to do burpees and you know upside down push-ups and so so you my workout routine my regimen was really good i mean but i think mentally i was just there was nothing feeding my mental you know um uh everything was more physical working out you know running um reading i mean was was accessible but i mean i didn't even have a ged education at that time i got my ged in prison i did anger management in prison i did counseling in prison they had these programs but i couldn't get rid of this emptiness that i felt inside of my heart and i thought that emptiness was just something that was a result of being in prison but what really was crazy was when i got out i still had that emptiness and that void inside of my heart.

42:01How many gangs are in the adult prison? Oh, there's countless. There's so many different gangs. I mean, there's people from different areas, Bay Area, Northern California, CAR. I mean, there's people from San Diego, which is really Southern on the border of Tijuana, Mexico, basically. I mean, to number them, there's too many. yeah what sort of stuff were you seeing in the adult prison obviously the youth yeah it's a different ball game everybody's trying to make a name for themselves yeah but the adult prison like you say it's more regimented but there's still a lot of bad stuff because in in the American jails what sort of stuff were you seeing um same thing except for everything except for the rapes you know and and and that was not allowed actually in California prisons it caused a lot of problems so thankfully yeah that's some gay shit that though isn't it bro you know what I mean fucking gay bastards who the fuck does that do you know what I mean so called gang bangers gangsters and they're fucking raping kids like that's sick do you know what I mean obviously that's why their heads are fucked their sexualities must be all over the place but to do that to any human being is sick man yeah yeah yeah they're taking their manhood and their soul stripping their soul that's the worst thing you can do listen people kill people we get it but to rape another young kids yeah why you always raping young boys that affects and scars them for life.

43:28For sure. Do you know what I mean? So we've seen a lot of violence in the adult prison. For sure, for sure. There was now race riots. I think death was more prominent in prison than it was in YA because you can control kids. But I saw the calculated meticulousness of murder and planned out things and organization. It was pretty crazy. You know, seeing how people would literally go to war. This is not like a joke. It's like Spartacus, you know, it's like they're all going to war. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?

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45:43And they're really fighting, you know, for their lives in there. So, yeah, it was pretty crazy. When was the first time someone gave you advice? Because you know in that life, you try and be a little soldier and do the wrong things to make out as if you ask somebody, when really you're losing yourself more. But there's never any guidance. When was the first time someone says to you, look, what you're doing is fucking wrong. It's stupid. What are you doing it for? When was that advice ever come? Yeah, it did. It came about two years into it. I had a cellmate, older Asian gentleman, and you know he was um actually a lot older he was like in his 50s almost 60 and he's he just was really smart you know he was from san francisco he was from my neighborhood too but like an older generation and he told me he's like you know johnny you you have a lot of anger and i noticed that you you overthink a lot like you're an overthinker you know so uh what helped me bro And he's like kind of explaining, you know, is to to get in the books, bro.

46:45You got to read a little bit and you can kind of release a lot of that mental tension from reading. You know, your mind can go anywhere, bro. So if you read, it kind of lets you focus a little bit and you get some reps in mentally, you know. So that was the first time. And I'm glad I took his advice because I was I used to think reading was like stupid. it like who would want to sit there and look at a book and like you know read but I noticed that reading allowed me to utilize my imagination it allowed me to kind of take my mind off of all of these intrusive thoughts that were flooding me every day and just laser focus on the storyline you know what's going on in this book and so I started to kind of find a way of like reading and I noticed that my vocabulary comprehension everything was improving as well he's the same guy that told me that i should take anger management he's like bro it's free you know he's the same guy who was like go and do the ged stuff i mean it's all free in here dental work you know i mean i mean sadly the taxpayers are paying for that so they're like free dental free everything so take advantage of that and i was for the first time able to see like this guy's a lifer meaning he's never going to get out of prison but he's found a way to thrive even in that prison ecosystem them you know so yeah yeah but yeah this is a vessel so even though it can be boxed in they can't box this in you can be anywhere you want listen you don't want to be in a cell but he's obviously found a route of education he can think where he wants to be in life no matter if he's caged out you can only use what you've got in those circumstances and he's used them to his potential like why did you listen to him um i think just because the asian culture in general.

48:30We're very, we respect our elders, right? So it was just kind of ingrained in us. And he had a genuine heart. Like I could feel it, you know? He wasn't sitting there trying to take advantage of me. Like I didn't feel like there was any benefit for him telling me to go and get my GED, for him telling me to better my life. Didn't really have any added benefit, you know? So he kind of taught me like uh what a uh og should be like how how someone cares about other people he showed me how to have compassion on others and think for others just a little bit and yeah like you said you know i saw that although he was in prison and he had a worse um you know situation than i was he's gonna die in there um he was happier than i was he was more peaceful than i was and so i was able to see that there's something different and i was able to notice that his heart his mind can go anywhere it wasn't boxed in yes physically he was you know but emotionally mentally he was free and that was crazy to me what was he in for oh he was in there for murder yeah double murder so he killed two people it was a botched robbery basically um it's mad doing it yeah shit so how you when did you start working within when you and what sorry First of all, what's a GED for people who don't know?

49:53Yeah. So it's kind of the high school equivalent. It's the equivalent to a high school diploma. Yeah. Of course, you're not crossing the stage and going to high school. It's like a packet. You take a test, but it's basically the equivalent to a high school diploma. So did you start wanting to change while in the adult prison doing it in? Yeah. I would say I was searching. He piqued my interest, but I still had that 50-50 heart, if you will. half of my heart was like nah I can't look weak I can't really like be all goody too sure I had to walk that fine line both sides of the fence if you will um because I knew that people would take advantage of me um you know if I was to show any type of weakness but um also inside deep inside I didn't want to live that way anymore I was like man I'm not an animal you know like yeah I live like an animal, but I'm still a human being.

50:47Like I don't want to be angry. I don't, it's funny. Like I don't want to be angry, but I'm angry all the time. You know, I don't want to have these murderous thoughts. I hate having these murderous thoughts, but like I kept having these murderous, violent thoughts, you know? And I was just like really stuck in this loop of like living happy and sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, until I just felt this like emptiness and this void inside of my heart it is it's as if like i had i was walking around with like a hole in my heart i still remember it very vividly today just nothing made me happy nothing you lost your friend to murder yeah you died in your arms yeah when was that uh that was when i got out of prison yeah so i got out and you know we had planned uh to rob a drug dealer very well-known drug dealer in our area and um i was supposed to go to the right he was supposed to go to the left of this car um as i go to the right he steps in front of me so i go to the left and he gets gunned down and yeah right there he dies in my arms car speeds off you know and um yeah that was very very traumatic for me you know to think about that and um you know have i dealt with that survivor's guilt for such a long time and i just felt like i didn't i didn't deserve to live you know what i i mean so do you believe me yourself i do i do at that point um i i 100 took full responsibility and you know i apologize to his family like i'm sorry to say but who am i you know what i mean to go and tell somebody hey my bad your son is dead because of me like you know what i mean i'm not god i'm not anybody so i it was such a hard thing to deal with honestly and i drowned myself you know in alcohol and medicated you know doing drugs meth whatever i could get my hands on to like not think about it because i would see him in my dreams i would get tormented you know i would have him grabbing me by the ankles you know like johnny why you know like it was just a lot of crazy stuff bro and you know thankfully i'm free from that today but for a very long time i was struggling with that so see when you're making the changes in there doing anger management getting diplomas what was the mindset like before you were coming out were you deciding like you say it's 50 50 but you know yourself if you're still 50 50 you're more likely to go back to old habits was that the plan as soon as you came out or were you contemplating walking away from it because you're two strikes one more your life would off yeah and what was the mindset like going coming out it was more of like okay i'm gonna give this a shot i'm gonna try and find a job.

53:29I'm going to, I'm not going to go straight. Cause I know as soon as I get out, I have all the avenues. I have the respect I have, you know, I can make money the day that I get out of prison, basically, you know, um, being plugged in, having these different links, you know, but, um, I was like, Nope, I'm going to try, you know, and fly straight for a little bit. I'm going to go to my PO. I'm going to, you know, pee in a cup. I'm going to do everything, you know? Um, and I did, I did for a little bit you know a couple months um but again as I was applying to FedEx you know UPS Home Depot McDonald's I mean shoot I there's a lot of places that I applied to and um you know that little box that says you know did you commit a crime or whatever I was honest put the crime told them everything I did two counts sold with deadly weapon um yeah no call back no nothing I was very vengeful at that time you know I said you know I remember like looking up to the to to the sky you know if there's God or Buddha whatever why won't you let me like live I guess you want me to die so I was like F it you know I'm just gonna go and go back to what I know so right then and there call the homies plug me in boom they plug me in um you know maybe a month month and half after i'm starting to get my my money up you know making 30 40 000 a month now and and yeah it was pretty crazy you know what were you doing drugs selling drugs um white brown yeah whatever i could get my hands on honestly uh mostly white i'm stepping on bricks a lot and then um some greens you know marijuana was kind of at that time was the green rush as they say but pills, I mean, whatever, I could push.

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55:54Don't use if you are allergic to EBCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBCLIS. Before starting EBCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epclus And visit epclus.com Or call 1-800-LILLY-RX Or 1-800-545-5979 Yeah if you're putting an application Listen I always like to give everybody a chance But if you're putting an application into me With fucking kidnappings and shootings I ain't gonna fucking near you bro For fuck's sake I would have lied on that I would have had to lie on that bro Part of me is thinking You put that there Because you didn't want to fucking get a job for fuck's sake shootings fucking highway shootings and kidnaps yeah yeah there's always a yeah come in Johnny boy come manager fuck that mate I'm ripping that up and burning it mate I don't want to see your name on an application again fucking shootings and kidnaps part of me is thinking nah you knew you were never getting a job but again that method of madness you're thinking why can't I get a break why can't I get a chance yeah life doesn't just give you a chance because johnny decides i'm what to change yeah life doesn't work that way you know this yourself it's a it's a long steady process so you've ended up active again yeah you've lost your best friend Is that then, do you then just become a loose cannon?

57:24Want to kill? Want to shoot? Want to stab? Yeah, it was just very, I had that victimized mindset, you know, that, yeah, I did these things, but no one cares about me. So I just, I'm not going to care about anybody else, you know, and that's why we planned that robbery stuff. That's why I wanted to just, it was weird. Like I couldn't live, but I couldn't die. Like I had that feeling of like, I was too afraid to die because like, you know, I kind of feared like hell, you know, and I understood the concept of hell, even though I wasn't Christian at the time or even Buddhist at the time, you know, but, and then I couldn't keep living because I had this depression and like emptiness.

58:07so I was in a state where I couldn't live I couldn't die and I felt like that was true misery like I didn't taste that until after I got out of prison so I thought getting out of prison I was going to feel better at least but actually it was feeling worse and even though I was making all of that money that was when I attempted to like take my life the most on three separate occasions was during that time. And that's because I recognized that having money, it doesn't matter. There was something inside of me that I couldn't get rid of. I couldn't make money the right way like other people. It was always like I was chasing after something and I would reach it and then it would level up.

58:55I'd have to get more and more and more. And it was crazy. It was a never-ending cycle and I just felt like there was no point in living and so many things happen you know in my life after that so my friend died you know within a span of like a week and a half to two weeks two other people who I really cared about in my life also passed away so I started to feel this this feeling of death you know and I'm like okay I'm definitely my time is coming like you just know you know people are dying left and right in front of you felt like it was a sign and at that point you know my mom actually was the one that saved my life you know she she found christianity um back in you know maybe four years before i got released from prison and she was always the same thing she went from you know buddhist chanting to like here's some bible scriptures hear some prayers and i was like what the hell is wrong with this girl you know she's she was buddhist and now she's telling me that she's just going all over the place like you know i can't listen to this person so but she was the one that actually changed my life i would say were you suicidal was i suicidal uh yes i was did you try and take your life three times yes yes yes how you so uh the first time was basically like it was a mixture it was it was um like trying to overdose basically force induced like a overdose death right death by overdose different drugs hot you know cocktails whatever and then um i tried like you know maybe the day after that so i woke up and then i did like a pill i don't know how many pills it was like a whole big bottle full of like Tylenol.

1:00:41So that didn't do anything. They just pumped out, you know, pumped me out in the ER. And then, um, then second time was, you know, basically trying to shoot myself. Um, and then the third time was also trying to shoot myself. My brother actually saved my life on the, on the third time without him realizing it, you know, he called, uh, right when I was about to do it, you know, and it was weird. Like he w he was getting into like some problems because he was running up some kind of debt in prison, which is not a good thing. And then, you know, so it was weird. When he called me, it was perfect timing.

1:01:17Like, I had all my issues and I was going to take my life. But then he comes and he's like, I had Joe, Johnny, I need your help, bro. Move some money around, green dot, this, that. And then I'm like, I just shifted my focus onto him. And then I kind of, that little bit, little shift snapped me out of everything. But yeah, three separate occasions. Is that because the death of your best friend? Mixture. Mixture. Death of my best friend. Had my GED, had my anger management counseling, still felt empty. I would say a large majority would be, yeah, the death of my friend, but also emptiness. Like I couldn't get rid of my sadness.

1:01:55I'd wake up empty, bro. It's crazy. You know? Why do you think you're still alive? I think, honestly, God had a higher purpose. I never thought I would make it this far, honestly. So yeah, every time I think about that, I'm actually thankful. I think I'm alive because God wanted to utilize my story and reach people who are also going through this. Because that's what I went viral for, was essentially just sharing my story of emptiness. Living that up and down lifestyle, that happy, sad, happy, sad lifestyle. And I think that you don't have to be a gang member to experience depression. You don't have to be a gang member to experience, you know, trauma and things like that.

1:02:39And we're all interconnected through that. And I think that most people can relate to me because I'm vulnerable, whereas a lot of people are still in that stage. And I went through that stage of not showing their vulnerability. So I think, yeah, my life is just to, at least now, is to dedicate to helping people overcome this hopelessness and emptiness and void that they feel. Like, I really want to help them because the people in my life helped me overcome. And I do feel like paying it forward is, like, the best thing. And I'm super happy now, you know. It's weird. I'm more tired. I'm traveling.

1:03:18We're doing this crazy. you know what I'm saying I'm sitting with a fucking crazy Scotsman you've just travelled 15 hours from LA can't understand a word I'm saying you're doing better off in prison bro you're fucking better off inside mate you must be thinking what the fuck am I with that mad bastard

1:03:40so funny bro but yeah so your mum clearly searching Buddhism to Christianity it's night and day does that not go against the beliefs Buddhism they don't really have a God or you're allowed to study or read about other religions you know? Yes, yes. Did you not read the Quran front to back and the Bible front to back? I did, I did. I read the Bible front to back two times in prison and I read the Quran front to back three times. I actually converted to Sunni Islam, Sunni Muslim, when I was in prison, you know. so i did stick with the religion just for a little bit because i had a cellmate who also after that old guy moved out um you know or got transferred out his points dropped and went to another prison i i kind of clicked up with this this guy um you know and he was really really cool he taught me about you know um prayer he taught me about the more the spiritual stuff you know in my life and And yeah, we read it front to back, bro.

1:04:45He showed me the hadith, you know, which is like the cliff notes. You know, he showed me all these different things that you have to read it with, you know, that he had his imams and all that. But anyways, yeah, still, even though I did all of that, no, no cure for the emptiness, bro. It was weird. It was like, man, okay, I'm doing all I'm doing this. Okay, this is going to be better. And then it's kind of like a soccer game. You know, it's like when the side is getting close to scoring and it's like, oh, it's almost there. And then they missed the goal, you know. So I felt like my heart was getting pulled this back and forth, like almost like the ocean, you know, high tide, low tide, happy, sad, happy, sad.

1:05:22So it was just crazy. As Buddhas, do they have a God? They believe almost like you're your own God. I mean, they worship Buddha, even though Buddha doesn't really like want to be worshipped. but it's more of like psychological stuff. They believe that heaven and hell is in your mind and they don't call it heaven. They call it nirvana. So they believe in reincarnation. They believe in karma, karmic debt. The more good you put out into this world, the more you'll receive. And then the more evil you put out, the more you'll receive back as well. But it didn't really make sense to my mom. And that's why my mom changed because my mom submitted to my dad.

1:06:05My mom did everything, you know, was good to us, honestly, never really hit us. But she had not just one kid, two kids in prison. She had an alcoholic husband. So it didn't really kind of like, you know, she didn't really do evil things. I mean, she had one person, my father, her whole life. She met him, you know, had kids with him, never cheated, never drank, never done nothing crazy. So, I mean, you know, it just didn't really add up to her. And she also felt that void that I was talking about, that emptiness too. Because she's like, I did everything by the book. And what's going on here? You know, so yeah, it really tore her up inside too.

1:06:45Do you see a lot of yourself in your mom? Oh yeah, for sure. 100%. When we argue, if me and my mom argue, it's my brother and my dad will go in the room. Like they just, they can't stop us. You know, we're the same, bro. We're both very strong, very egotistical, very stubborn people. Absolutely. So when you talk about this emptiness, when did you start feeling something was making sense? What was the moment? When I met my pastor. So I had by chance taken my mom to church and met this pastor. And I didn't want to meet him at first. It happened organically because they made food and this thing called black bean noodles.

1:07:27And that's my favorite dish. You know, so when I got there to the church and smelled the noodles and the pastor was cool. He wasn't like preachy or pushy. A lot of, you know, there's prison chaplains in prison. There's Catholics in prison. You know, there's apostolics that come in and they were honestly pretty like preachy, very pushy as well. Like they acted nice at first, but they're like, you know, kind of trying to push their religion onto you, saying that you need to repent. saying that if you don't, you'll go to hell, you know, just stuff like that. And I didn't want to hear stuff like that, you know?

1:08:03And then they would say, they would always finish it with, oh, because we love you, we're telling you what's going to happen to you, you know? And I'm like, so you're telling me I'm going to burn in hell because you love me? That's crazy, you know? But he didn't do that. He was more like, oh, you know, we got some noodles. Do you want to, you know, take it home? And being Asian, we don't do that. Like, if you're going to prepare something for us. We have to at least come to your house, sit down, enjoy it with you, compliment you, whatever. So yeah, I went in, sat down with him and he started to essentially show me like my heart in front of me.

1:08:38Like, and what I mean by that is he was able to dissect my heart and show me a man who I didn't know lived a completely opposite life than I did. He was a pastor's kid, right? He grew up in the church. He was saved at 19 years old, basically and he just lived his whole life as a as preaching the gospel from korea doesn't know anything about the la gang culture politics none of that but yet he was telling me for the first time why i was feeling empty he was essentially peeling back the layers of the onion for me and getting to the root issue and that was crazy like and i noticed that he was just wise like he He spoke in a way where I understood everything that he was saying.

1:09:23He was explaining to me just why I was the way I was. And it was actually normal. Whereas everyone, even myself, was telling me, no, you're crazy. There's something wrong with you. You're not the same as other people. You're violent. You're this, you're that. And that's why you should just continue living the way that you live. Because you're going to die anyways. You know, he was showing me that my thoughts, my own thoughts, were deceiving me. And he said, all thoughts are not our thoughts. That's what he said. And I'm like, whoa, I never thought about that. Because I used to think if I'm thinking my own thoughts, they're from me, but not necessarily.

1:09:57So he was able to show me all of this. And yeah, I was able to really trust this person right off bat. Yeah, because when you're taking advice, even for your elders in prison, that guy's in for a double murder. He's a fucking psychopath. So even though you're taking advice, he's still not that smart. First of all, he's got caught as well. Also, it's the method of thinking that we think, oh, he's a good guy. Listen, people make mistakes. And I believe people who have been an addict, it's then easier to help people who are struggling. For people who was an addict, maybe changed their life. Instead of the people who've learned from books and they try and guide people, they've never really lived it.

1:10:34They've not got that key ingredient to then show people. So if the guy's done murders, I get it. He's made changes. But you're still speaking with psychopaths. Then you've got a clean living man. when it kind of is that when it made all it made sense yeah what you were searching for you kind of got some answers yes yes how old were you uh at that time i had gotten out of prison i probably was out for like maybe eight months so almost a year so what 20 25 25 years old star kid how hard is that to get out these gangs though oh it's hard it's hard you know but but again i i you know you it goes back to the question of when you said, you know, why do you think you're alive?

1:11:13You know, I'm in a very special, uh, point in my life and a very special position. Um, I never had to drop out of my gang, which is a beautiful thing. You know, um, you know, my family's in it. My brother's still in it. Um, a lot of my, my family members are in it. So I never had to really like denounce them because even if I denounce them, I can't stop being my brother's younger brother. uncles, you know, nephew, this and that. So when I thought about it, like God has, at least I credit this to God, is that he allowed me to be in this position where they support me. My friends, my gang member friends, they actually support me.

1:11:55You know, they see my interviews, they're probably going to see this one, and they cheer me on. It's crazy, you know, and I think it's because they know that I'm not here to glorify anything, that I'm truly changed. And even my older homies, you know, they teach me too, like, yeah, the younger generation that's coming in, guide them correctly. You know, like, I mean, we're all in a gang because we're all broken people. You know, you don't join a gang just because, you know, I don't think normal people join gangs. Like, as you say, there's, there's, there's has to be that level of like psychopath, right?

1:12:28But But at the same time, it's really just broken human beings coming together and finding some kind of solace being in the midst of chaos together. You know, so they never really denounced you or rejected me and they support everything that I do. And that's something that a lot of people can't say. There's a lot of people who are ex-gang members who are like casted out or exiled out, who are still to this day looking over their shoulders because, you know, I've seen people get put in the dirt, you know. murdered for speaking on camera and things like that you know but they i found a sweet spot where they they accept me and they allow me to do that and they know that i'm just telling my story and my message um and what helped me and they see people i'll be out with my friends sometimes to go eat and stuff and people will walk up yo you're johnny chang bro let me get a photo and you know the the big homies they all see they're like man that's what it's about bro that's what's So they're very supportive.

1:13:28It's crazy. But I feel as if you probably earned your stripes anyway by being in prison from the ages of 12 and nearly 15 years without snitching. So they probably knew you were clean cut, good guy, loyal, or else you would be fucking dead. Sitting on camera and you know what yourself, people think that's snitching. And there's some people speak too much out of school for me. Of course. And obviously, look at the guy who, the two-pack murder. He's fucking sitting on a podcast saying he was there that night. Doesn't matter if it was 25 years ago, 100 years ago. The books are still open for you to get a case.

1:14:05And it's just how it comes back and bites you in the ass. But I feel as if, with podcasts now, I feel as if everybody thinks that you're eliminated for some old court case. It doesn't work that way. A lot of people speak theirself into an indictment. For sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah. And there's no statute of limitation for things like that, murder and things like that. Yeah. So crazy. So your mom changed. She'd found what she was searching for. You then meet the pastor. But one of the most defining moments in your life was when the pastor told you to speak to your dad. Yeah. So after everything, you know, my pastor was basically explaining to me that you're normal, that, you know, he used a lot of analogies, essentially, um you know that like a house for example he said when you look at a house and it gets vandalized you know do you blame the house you know for being bad it's having its windows broken having it graffitied on no of course not uh you blame the vandal likewise you know he showed me a bible verse in romans chapter 7 basically telling us that we hate doing the things that we do so my father hates drinking but he keeps on doing it because there's something inside of him that's leading him to do it, this vandal, right?

1:15:19Which is sin. So I really resonated with that because I also, when I would rob people or do evil things, like outwardly it looked like I was doing it, but inside I would question, now why did I do that? What the hell is wrong with me? Do I have no remorse whatsoever for people to just go up to them and stick them up, pistol whip them, bust their head open, you know, like crazy stuff. And then just for this paper, basically, you know, that I have to keep, you know, chasing after. And I just really had a lot of regret too. So it's weird when I, when pastor put it in that perspective, I was able to humanize my father.

1:15:59And he said, your father is like a house and he's getting vandalized every day, but you're blaming outwardly him, the house, you have to blame the vandal. And he said, you too, Johnny, you've been vandalized all your life by these intrusive thoughts, by this evil, destructive voice. And it really put in perspective for me to humanize my own father, who I thought if he died, I would be happy. And I don't know, it was weird. Pity, compassion started to flow inside of my heart. And I started to feel bad for my dad for the first time in my life. Whereas before that, It was all rage and anger. I hated him.

1:16:38And that's when he said, now that you understand, I want you to apologize to your father. And I thought that was crazy. Victim apologizing to the aggressor, doesn't matter if it's in Scotland, America, you don't do that. The person who's at fault has to apologize. But he made it very clear that because I was right, I was also miserable. And he was right. Again, he was pulling my card. He was calling my bluff. He was basically seeing what was inside of my heart that everywhere I went, I carried this burden of victim, like I'm a victim. And I carried this burden of I'm lonely and depressed because I didn't have a good father.

1:17:21and really bro I would go on the streets see people who had like their own fathers hugging on them buying them food and I felt like this rage inside of my heart but also sadness and just this roller coaster of emotion and just being angry immediately because somebody had a loving father and I didn't and I don't know why I didn't deserve that you know I didn't ask to be born but why didn't I have a father why wasn't I born to a father who could take care of me and um so he was again, able to show my heart like a mirror. This is what you feel. And I know, and I want to free you from that. I have the antidote to free you from this.

1:17:59And he said, the antidote is apologizing and being wrong. And I'm like, what the hell? That's crazy. And he used one analogy that really made sense and pushed me forward was he said, if you think about the war, right? People who go to war, for example, it's because both sides believe that they're right and they're fighting for something they believe that they're right. They're even willing to die for it. So when that happens, telephone lines, communication, water, everything is broken down. The society breaks down. There's chaos everywhere because they're bombing each other. Buildings are collapsing.

1:18:34But when one side gives up, one side loses and says they're sorry, essentially, then that's when the roads are rebuilt, you know, peace is, it starts to flow into this, these countries. Likewise, Johnny, you're right. And your father's also right. So two right people, they're clashing right now. If you learn to say that you're sorry, then peace, I believe by faith, he said, peace will flow into your guys' relationship. And it was weird. It kind of oddly made sense at that time. So I was like, okay, I'll do it. I made the determination in my heart. I'm going to do that. So I apologized to my father.

1:19:13And when I apologized to him, you know, told him that, Hey, dad, I'm sorry for being a bad son. I'm sorry for being in a gang. I'm sorry that I ruined your dreams of coming to America and living the American dream. And he started just crying. And he's like, I'm sorry, son. It wasn't even you. It was me. I was a bad father. I was abusive. I couldn't carry, you know, handle my drinking and we just hugged it out after that 20 years of pain was gone i mean we have a great relationship now and all that was due to a short korean pastor telling me um go and say sorry to your father and see what happens by faith and after that i just really my life started to upgrade after that you know when are you happiest when i unlock that trauma for people so sharing my stories like this, having people come up to me and tell me, Hey, Johnny, you don't even know, listening to your story, I did exactly what you did to my mom or my father.

1:20:17And then them rekindling, like, it really brings me joy inside of my heart, you know, and it's so peaceful. So I'm most happy when I see other people just being unlocked from that, that prison of like, that emotional and mental prison of like, you know, just, just emptiness and void, you know, when they're free from that, it's such a beautiful thing. It like, it makes me just be thankful for everything, you know? So did you turn to Christ then? Yeah. The Bible? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. And what was that feeling when you, a gangbanger, shooting people, stabbing people to then turn to Christ and then talking about religion?

1:20:58How were you treated by the people you did grow up? did a lot of people turn their back on you as well? At first they did. At first they couldn't understand. They're like, yo, this guy is saying that he's righteous. They looked at me like I was a psychopath. Johnny, if you're righteous, then we're all righteous because you were the worst of the worst. They would make jokes. None of us went to prison at 12 years old. So you're bad. How can you say? And they would laugh at me at first. But it's funny because the more I grew and my peace grew, I feel like God led by example through my life. Now the homies come to me for everything.

1:21:36Hey, Johnny, I'm fighting with my girl. Can you give me a Bible verse or something that, can you give me advice? And I'm kind of like the anchor and the pillar when people feel this emptiness and they don't have that emotional maturity or spiritual maturity or self-awareness. they'll come and ask me and then i'll unlock it for them you know so it went from like yeah this guy this is a phase this guy's believing in god and they all do this they come out of prison and they think they find god but um i'm actually able to help them a lot of them come to my church i mean it's a beautiful thing yeah how do you feel now happy all the time bro it's crazy it's like very peaceful you know um whereas everything i remember was chaotic um up and down you know life's a roller coaster.

1:22:24I feel very base now, very just calm, peaceful. I don't trip anymore. Like people, you know, if anything, I'm getting more flack nowadays because people know me from the past. Oh, don't listen to him. He's a little fake church boy because he shot at my family and, you know, these things resurface. But for me, I'm still peaceful about these things. Like I've made peace with the fact that I've done those things. Yes. But it wasn't, I feel like it wasn't me. I feel like, you know, I really trusted in myself and therefore those thoughts that came in allowed me to live very evil. I don't feel like that defines who I am now.

1:23:03You know, who I am now is completely different than the Johnny just 10 years ago. You know, so I'm very thankful for that. Yeah. And people don't forget and forget them. You've done evil things. People will never forget no matter how well you do, no matter how many lives you save, no matter how much you change. how do you deal with that when you're on a good path you're on a righteous path to do the right things in life people are calling you a psychopath when you're reading the bible they were fucking thinking you were normal when you were shooting at people that's how fucking deluded people are like back in the day when I was doing my shit I was fucking off my head and coke and booze and then I done like a Reiki course which is like healing energy I grew a fucking top knot and I stand in this little living room with six different women with my little fucking certificate to say I was a Reiki master and the comments are thinking he's lost his fucking head look at the state of him he's this and that people thought I was more fucking crazy then when I was when I was fucking crazy back then it's crazy how I've just said crazy like five fucking times people's method of thinking everything's levels spirituality, vibrations you were at the bottom the lowest vibration, the darkest the seediest, the most chaotic.

1:24:21Like you say, it's a rollercoaster. So how do you deal with it now? Because everybody, no matter how much you change, you've still got that element of crazy stuff. Of course. But people always like to poke the bear. But how do you deal with that now? You're in a better place, headspace, you don't need to react. What's your advice? I don't take it personally. I feel like everyone's going to have an opinion, and those opinions aren't even their opinions. Because opinions change too. the beautiful thing about the heart and feelings where the heart come where the feelings come from the heart it changes you know like one day you could be mad like for example i was a gang member i thought i was gonna die from my gang i don't feel like that anymore you know and i remember no one could talk me out of that no one could talk me out of you know not snitching you know i knew people who were like just snitch bro like i mean you don't even have to do time just just point these people out and i was like no i won't do it so you know i i really changed a lot because the heart changes you know so yes there's people who come in some people in my bible study who who when they first saw my video they they tell me straight up oh you're you have you know tattoos you have these types of tattoos that symbolize murder and your gang and everything and yeah you're talking about christianity your cycle but the funny thing is they say the more that they listen to me, they start to recognize like, dang, like this guy actually has a point, you know, and they start to change as well.

1:25:49So I look at it as like any type of ridicule that comes is just an opportunity for people to, to kind of like get used to you and experience you and really kind of open their mind. You know, it's, it's a chance for them to open their mind. I don't take it as combative. Even if it's a mean comment, I take it more as like, damn, that's sad. Because what they're doing is they're on here and they're missing the whole message because they can't get out of that mindset of judging people. And it's almost like I've accepted that you're either damned if you do or damned if you don't. If I'm reading the Bible, like you say, they're going to think I'm crazy.

1:26:31If I'm shooting people, they're going to think I'm crazy. So I don't live for people. And I feel like people's opinions only matter to people. It doesn't matter to me. And I've gotten to that point where I've acknowledged who I am. Yeah, if I trust Johnny again, tomorrow I can go and pick up a gun and start shooting people. I know that, that there's a difference. Whereas people try to push that away. I know that if I believe in myself again and I trust those intrusive thoughts, you know, then I can go back to it. And I use the analogy of like a trash, a garbage, you know, trash can. Trash inside of the garbage is not an issue, right?

1:27:09Inside of your mind as well. Those thoughts staying inside is okay. It's when the trash comes out, it's over the couch, over the bed, on the floor. That's when it becomes an issue, right? And likewise, my thoughts, if I'm not reacting off of that and it's not coming out as action, it's not a problem. These are just fleeting thoughts. They'll come, they'll go. They'll come, they'll go. And so, yeah, maybe I might get mad sometimes reading a comment and they're putting all my information out there. I saw a comment last time, you know, recently where they're like, look at Johnny, you know, he's acting all calm and, you know, he's all famous now.

1:27:44But, you know, he he shot, you know, his gang and him, you know, hit me multiple times, you know, hit my family hurt, put us through a lot, you know, and this is all his like they're putting my information, court case information, everything. And the first thought was rage. You know, I was like, man, what the fuck? Like this guy, why are they doing this? You know, why are they putting all this information out there? You know, don't they see that we're doing a positive thing? But I just kind of sat on it and I was like, oh, yeah, those are my impulsive initial thoughts. I'm not going to trust those thoughts.

1:28:16It's okay. You know, they have a right as much as I do to say and speak, you know, and that's what they want to put out there. I mean, it's not like they're lying. It's true what they were writing in that comment, you know, and then I had noticed that it had gotten removed, you know, but I was like, okay, cool. You know, so I just kind of leave everything like, you know, up to the hands of God, if you will. Yeah, because you still need to accept the bad shit that you've done. It doesn't disappear because Johnny's changed. Of course. what's the hardest part about change Johnny what's the hardest thing about change for me it was always the conscience tearing you and remembering you like when you say when you do change you realise the world is a good place there's good things happen but there was a conscience that says just because you've changed the pain is still there so here's a little reminder of it because when you block everything out it's easy not to feel it's easy to be selfish it's easy to cut everything off but that's a lonely journey That's where the loneliness comes in from me, because you've blocked everything off, because you don't want to feel the pain that you're causing, because you know deep inside it's wrong, but you're too afraid to admit it.

1:29:20Every gangbanger, every gangster, every drug lord, everybody who I've interviewed who think they're serious, it's because they're broken, it's because they're scared. And now it also takes you many, many years to realize that. But for you, what was the main thing, the hardest thing about change? um i think was yeah coming to the conclusion and acknowledging yourself for who who you really were like that was who we were you know i mean and and that can still be who you are depending on if you trust and believe yourself so i i feel like when i trust my thoughts when i follow myself like just like i followed myself to join a gang just like i followed myself to sell drugs like Like, you know, I didn't, I had different options.

1:30:05I didn't have to join a gang, you know, but I thought that that was what was good in my eyes at that point. I've learned that that's the biggest struggle even now is making my own decisions and like not surrendering fully to God. So I would say that's a, that's a struggle, you know, but every time that I do surrender, you know, and, and, you know, people say, if you, okay, Johnny, if you don't trust yourself, who do you, who can you trust? And that's why I read the Bible is because I start to get a lot of wisdom from that, you know, and it's weird. The more I've trusted other people instead of myself, like my pastor or like the Bible, my life has upgraded.

1:30:44My peace has grown. Whereas before, if I trusted myself, you know, I was just miserable all the time living destructively. So I think, honestly, the biggest struggle even now is just like that consciousness of like, I'm right and I know what's right. And I have to kind of struggle with that every day. It's a daily battle where it's like, this makes sense to me. But then I have to check myself and be like, but also selling drugs made sense to me. Robbing a drug dealer and coming up off of$100 ,000 at once also made sense to me. Cost my friend his life, though. So I have to also find that intricate balance of, am I going to trust myself today or am I going to trust the Word of God?

1:31:30And that's kind of been the struggle with the change that I've dealt with. Is your dad still drinking? No, he's done completely. He comes to church too. It's crazy. He comes to church. He's done drinking. Doesn't beat my mom anymore. It's crazy. It's kind of weird. They go on dates. i'm just like yo this is not they they like you know kiss each other and hold hands and i'm like what the heck is going on right now you know but same thing he was also saved uh through the same pastor that helped me because he noticed a change in me he's like okay johnny's not throwing parties anymore he's not carrying a gun anymore like what the hell what's wrong with my son he noticed a peace as well he noticed that i wasn't arguing with him or anything crazy not getting physical with him.

1:32:18So he went to my church. He asked the pastor straight up, what did you do to my son? You know, what made him so calm, you know? And then he preached the gospel, pastor preached the gospel to my dad and he received salvation too. You know, my dad was drinking a lot because he, in his, you know, teens, like late teens, he actually ran over somebody, he killed somebody and he also had survivor's guilt, you know, and I didn't know that, you know? So he was trying to drown himself out as well he drowned out all that emotion block it all out and he used a medium of of a soju bottle you know alcohol and um yeah now that i think about it how sad you know i was judging this man outwardly not understanding that he was also struggling with inner demons he was broken completely and he didn't share that with anybody he never shared that with me i don't think he even shared that with my mom honestly or maybe he did but my mom didn't share it with us you know so yeah it was crazy yeah but shaming guilt are powerful like you talk about buddhism the circle of life yeah i read a book called many lives many masters it talks about if you don't fix your problems this life you come back again with the same problems and they add another one on like all my dad's uncles were murdered yeah all my uncles were murdered my mom's lost two brothers to murder and it kind of seemed as if it was the same spiral same sort of same as you and your dad your dad seen somebody die he's living with that pain he intoxicated himself and all the external negatives you've done the same you've seen your best friend get killed yeah you've hid from the pain people who drink and take drugs as a weakness they're weak yeah they're not big men people drink and take drugs for fake confidence fake high suppressed feelings suppressed emotions is bullshit.

1:34:04So it's like the full circle where, and then you've healed it, you've broke whatever connection has been in your family. Some people say it's curse. Some people say it's reincarnation, come back to relive and fix the problems. Do you see that connection of being like your dad also as much as being like your mom? For sure. 100%. That's what the pastor told me was you're exactly the same as your dad. And that kind of put a sour taste in my mouth. I'm like, no, I don't beat women. I don't drink like him, but my heart was like his. We were both hurt and struggling inside. And he just went the medium of alcohol and I went the route of violence and gangbanging.

1:34:46But it's still the same trauma. It's still the same hurt. We were still interconnected. And again, that's how I was able to humanize him and realize that, damn, I'm actually very similar to my father in that way then, if you put it in that way. I just never seen it from that perspective ever. So I was very thankful towards him. And yeah, I agree with that. You know, we're so similar. And to hate him would mean that I have to hate myself. Honestly, you know. It's like mirror image. Exactly. Yeah. So see when you started speaking out and stuff, how was that feeling? Were you nervous or did you just believe it was your calling?

1:35:21I was nervous at first. Just like we had touched up on, I didn't want to share this stuff. This is stuff that I'm putting myself out there for millions of people to see. Like, I mean, the software at Underbelly got like almost 7 million views. On top of that, there's all these other platforms that I went viral on, Flat TV and, you know, all these other places. But I learned that, you know, just sharing your story, it really gives hope to a lot of people. Yeah, there's going to be people, the naysayers, the judgmental people. Sure, sure. But I'm not living for those people. You know, I know so many people now who are like, bro, your testimony, you know, changed my life.

1:35:58So at first, yes, it was hard. At first, I was like, you know, why am I going to these prisons? My pastor's like, Johnny, you should go to these prisons. You should become an international chaplain, ordained minister to share. And I'm like, hell no. You know, my thoughts were like telling me, don't do that. It's embarrassing. You're weak. You know, you go in there and people, you may see some of the people, very people you hurt. imagine you're teaching a class, you know, and you hurt that person that's in your class. Like how stupid, how hypocritical are you? But the funny thing is my pastor, that's why he's a wise man.

1:36:33He said, Johnny, it's crazy that Satan is planting these thoughts in you. And I'm like, Satan's planting thoughts inside of me. How do you know? You know, he said, you know, when you're doing lines of Coke and you're drinking, he was never like, oh, you need to stop doing this. He was like, wow, this is amazing. This is life. You got to continue. But now that you're going to actually go and help people he gives you nervousness he gives you this anxiety he gives you this oh if you go in there you know they may kidnap you and stab you because that also happens in these prisons you know um and he's it's like wow satan all of a sudden wants to really protect your life you know have you thought about that and with that i was able to deny my thoughts and move forward and the crazy thing is i still remember first time i went to prison it was in lancaster State Prison, my original stomping grounds, my alma mater, as they say.

1:37:24And I went in there, and there was a group of 37 people, inmates. And this was back, you know, like 2017, something like that. And I started to preach. I just gave my testimony, taught the courses. And at first, I was like, dang, these guys, you know, they're going to think I'm stupid. You know, I walk in there i stick out like a sore thumb you know they're looking at me they're like what the hell is this guy doing here you know he's he looks like he needs to be in one of our uniforms you know but um so they see me once i finish my my um you know my class they walk up to me and they start like shaking my hand they start to open up oh you know i'm in here for double murder and that's people never talk about that if you're in prison you don't talk about your murders you don't talk about your cases basically they're opening up and they're like hey bro that emptiness that you felt i feel that right now so like they start to kind of like you know it was a beautiful thing i was able to help them and now i'm doing this full-time prison ministry full-time um and i just i realized like man what if i followed those thoughts what if i was like no i'm not i'm not gonna do that i'm okay no i'm a gangster i don't talk on camera let's say you know how many people i would i be able to really help i i don't think as much as i could so i was i was pastor was teaching me to deny my thoughts you know and move forward boldly and that's what i do nowadays you know so so life is good thing life is great honestly it's great and i'm undeserving of it and i know that you know but i'm also very thankful you know that i'm i'm able to help and however long i'm i'm living this is just what I want to do, you know, and otherwise I wouldn't jump on a plane, you know, and come.

1:39:11And speak to me. You're probably thinking, I don't even know what that cunt's doing.

1:39:19Fuck's sake, mate. Maybe you are losing your fucking head, mate. Maybe you're still fucking psychotic, mate. Who jumps on a plane from LA to come and speak to a Scotsman? Right. I don't think you've changed, Johnny. Your friends are right, mate. You're still off your fucking head. How important How important is belief Because I believe in a higher power I don't know what the creator is There's so many gods and so many religions I understand it and I'm not here to Discredit anyone because I'm not educated enough To know so I love Buddhism beliefs I've dipped my toe into Christianity I was raised a Catholic I believe there's a higher power The creator, whoever's created us The mind and how it functions It blows my mind but how important is it For you and belief to have something to believe in?

1:40:07I think it's very important. I think there's this peace when you can kind of place the responsibility on understanding that there is a higher power. I believe all religions teach you to do well. There's no religion that blatantly just tells you, hey, go out and just do evil things. For me personally, Christianity was the religion that lifted me out and taught me that you can't do it without a savior. We call him our savior because because he has to save us from something. You know, I liken it to like somebody who's drowning, for example. If I'm in the middle of the ocean and I'm drowning, it doesn't matter how much I try to swim, I'm going to die.

1:40:48I don't know how to swim, right? I'm drowning. So I need a lifeguard to come and save me and put me back on land. Likewise, I was drowning in my depression, drowning in my misery, drowning in my just loneliness and emptiness. and I feel like God was the only one. You know, Jesus was able to save me when he told me that, hey, you're righteous, you're holy. Your thoughts are all evil. Don't trust those thoughts. All other religions, even, you know, within, you know, Quran, within Muslim, with Buddhism, it's all your kind of your own master almost. You write the faith. You know, you are the author almost.

1:41:27You know, you make a decision and your deeds outweigh, you know your good deeds outweigh the bad deeds you know and that's kind of the system of like working you know but uh for christianity true christianity it's all about grace yeah you don't deserve it johnny but somebody came and lifted you out of it and that type of love is a it's a different type of love you know so i was able to experience true love through that and that's why i never push it on to people i'm never like oh you guys need to do this it's like you have to come to that conclusion and realize that, you know, if it's based off of humans who are imperfect, I don't think we can ever reach a level of perfection, you know, because we're already flawed from birth.

1:42:11So we need something that's perfect to kind of save us. And that's just how I explain it to people, you know, and they're always shocked, like, why at all the religions, you know, Hindu, thousands of gods, you know, this and that. I'm like, I mean, because the ones that I did study, I didn't study all the religions, but for the most part, you can see that it's really based off of you. It's at least a 50-50 work. It's like, okay, God did what he did, you know, but you also have to put in your work. But it's like, how do I put in the work of God on his level? Like, I can't do it. And when I recognize I couldn't do it, that's when he did everything for me.

1:42:48When I recognize that I was nothing and I had no other way, that's when he became everything and he was the way, right? So it was kind of like really crazy how that all came together, but I had to get to that position. Otherwise I was continuously trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing. Some of the biggest religions in the world, you've got Muslim, Christianity, Buddhism. What's the one verse that sticks out? What's the one thing that sticks out in your mind that makes sense the most? Um, for me, I would say Hebrews 10, 14, uh, the verse that says, For by one offering, he has perfected forever them that are sanctified.

1:43:26So why that stuck out and why that saved my life is because it says one offering, which is Jesus Christ, died for our sins. We know that. And then it says perfected, which is in past tense, which I always thought was weird. You know, perfected, meaning already completed, already perfect. Forever means eternally because there's nothing forever in this world. We know that, too. And then it says them that are sanctified, which is made holy, are sanctified, made holy. My thoughts, though, told me, no, I'm not holy. I'm not perfect. I'm evil. So I need to, you know, I'm flawed, right? I need to like continuously live this cycle of sin, repent, happy, sad.

1:44:08But when I threw away my thoughts and I leaned on to this word, it changed my life. Like now when my thoughts come in, because there's always cravings, you know, this is a drug, you know, I need a drink today. Oh, I want to do a line of Coke like that'll just level me out today, you know. But when those thoughts come, I lean on that word. No, no, no. I'm not that old person anymore. I'm perfected. I'm a new creature. I'm somebody who's, you know, sanctified, holy already. I think that's where a lot of people can't get out of that hole that they're stuck in. As soon as that thought comes up, they have to then manage that thought.

1:44:47We don't manage our thoughts. I learned to forsake my thoughts. No, I'm not going to trust this thought. I'm going to lean on the word. And of course, if you don't know the Bible and you're not well-versed, then it's like a person, a street fighter trying to fight Mike Tyson or like Floyd Mayweather. You're going to lose every single time, right? Satan is very cunning. He's very smart. if you don't know how to fight that spiritually with the verses you're gonna lose every time so that's why i read the bible front to back 21 times it's not because i want to read and i'm crazy it's because i know if i don't have this weaponry if i don't have this arsenal of verses to counteract my thoughts i'm not even gonna make it this far you know i would fall into my misery you know so yeah where do you go forward for the future journey honestly i let god just lay it all out, right?

1:45:39Like, I don't know if it's going to be more podcasts, you know? I don't know if it's going to be more public speaking, keynote speaking. I don't really care. Honestly, I just want to help people. And I think that's what's good about, you know, what I'm doing now is I'm trying to just help people. So whatever way it is, I do Bible studies, private Bible studies, one-on-one counseling. I counsel a lot of influencers, ex-strippers, current strippers, OnlyFans people, porn stars whoever and I help everybody so for me I'm just like whatever God you know whatever it is you know if he wants to again fly me out to out here you know I'm like let's do it you know I'm game for everything so I just go wherever I feel like God allows yeah why do you think so many people are broken why do you think so many people are lost because obviously we've got drink we've We've got drugs.

1:46:34We've got porn. We've got so many things from the day we're born. Everything's labels and religions. You're given a name. And I've been speaking about this. We're going to cut the umbilical cord too soon. And a lot of mothers don't breastfeed, which is bad for abandonment issues. And we're kind of lost and flawed from a very young age. But what do you think it is for now that you've spoke to so many broken souls? What do you think? I'll be honest. It starts with just not understanding the core nature of who they are, who people are. I mean, it goes back to the Bible. I mean, it tells us that we're born evil, right?

1:47:11We're born flawed because of sin. So me, for example, I'm Chinese. You know, I didn't choose to be Chinese, right? I was born this way. Why? Because my father, his father, so on and so forth. Likewise, if you believe in Christianity, Adam was a sinner. So when he birthed Cain, also another sinner. Sin, sin, sin, sin passed down all the way to us. So we're born evil. That's why you have to teach kids to do good. You know, you'd have to teach them to not cry. You have to teach them to not be selfish because naturally it's part of us. And yet if you notice this world, what does it teach you? It teaches you trust yourself, believe in yourself, follow your heart.

1:47:52But the thing is when you trust yourself, who's imperfect and flawed, then broken things start to happen. You know, so what I feel like people need to learn is not to trust yourself. You have to actually learn to trust in something that's higher than you. That is perfect. That is better than you. But so much of social media, so much of this world in general is teaching just like individualism. No, you're the master. You do what you want to do. And sure, people do what they want to do. But a lot of people, because they did what they wanted to do, they're miserable. Did everything you thought and every thought that came to you, did it come to fruition?

1:48:33Was it perfectly as you thought it would be? Of course not. We had to bend a lot. We had to change our mindset. We had to do all that. And it's because our thought, it's proof that our thoughts are not always correct. But the issue is we're all deceived into thinking that if I just follow what I want and follow my heart, then I'll be happy. And every person that I see that's broken, it's all because they had that mindset of like, I'm going to be the master and I'm going to do what I want to do. Just like me. I wanted to join a gang. I'm not doing no homework. That didn't make me happy. I'm going to join a gang and I'll make money.

1:49:11That's what I'm going to do. And it led me to misery and it led me, and everyone around me was miserable because I made that decision. Just like my dad's like, I'm going to drink. And it made everyone around him miserable too. I'm sure he wasn't planning Like I'm going to have a wife and I want to beat the crap out of her and, you know, you know, beat my kids and who I brought into this world. Like he never contemplated that. It just started with, oh, this is how I'm going to self-medicate. This will make me feel better. It's a way for me to block out what I did. And it started with that little thought and it just escalated to him being a monster.

1:49:46Likewise, that little thought entered me and I became a monster after that, you know, so, yeah. For anybody watching, Johnny, that's in that life of struggle, maybe feeling broken and lost, what advice would you have for them? I would say that, number one, you're not alone. I don't think that it's a problem to be broken. We're naturally flawed as human beings. And just to bring it all full circle, if we learn to maybe think about our thoughts, I know that sounds crazy, but think about all the decisions you made and what led you to where you're at. You'll recognize that 90 % of it was because you trusted this mindset of, I'm going to do what I want to do, and no one else is going to tell me otherwise.

1:50:32But when you have that type of mindset, you can't learn from people. If you think you're right all the time, you can't learn from anybody. So we have to come to this position of, I'm not right all the time. And let's hear what other people have to say. That's why we have mentors. That's why people who are right all the time, if you notice, they're very isolated. Nobody wants to be around somebody who's right all the time. They don't take advice. They're very stubborn, push everybody away. We have to learn to kind of like hear people out. And so I would tell them that if you're living in that life where everyone is saying you're wrong and everyone is like kind of distancing themselves from you, we do have to do a lot of self-reflection and recognize that, hey, maybe it's because I always thought I was right and I don't listen to anybody.

1:51:19And as hard as that sounds, if you recognize that and just acknowledge that today, you can actually start to heal. And I think relationships will be rebuilt. I think happiness will start to flow into your heart and peace is the byproduct of that. What's your greatest life lesson, Johnny, since being on this planet? The greatest life lesson was not following everything that arises inside of my heart. So what I mean by that is not reacting to my everything that I feel because feelings come and go. So like if I feel angry, it doesn't it's not going to be forever. No one stays angry all the time and no one stays happy all the time.

1:52:05This is part of life. whereas a lot of people try to shift it where they just be happy all the time and it's like this la la land it's okay to feel emotions i think that's the biggest thing and and people don't want to feel that there's times where you have to feel empty there are times where you have to feel pain because it's just like working out you know no pain no gain right we don't learn anything from success meaning just being happy all the time if anything success breeds complacency right it's when we fail that's when we learn everything you know we learn not to move this way not to make this business decision so failure is really a beautiful thing right it's necessary for growth yes failure brings pain but to say that i don't want to feel pain anymore i don't want to fail anymore is the same thing as saying i don't want to grow anymore and that's something that nobody would want to say everyone wants to grow and hit these new highs and different levels So the greatest lesson for me would be embracing the pain of failure.

1:53:09Because when you embrace it, it no longer has dominion over you. It actually you can weaponize it. You can use it to actually grow. And that's how I see it. Yeah. Listen, Johnny, for coming all the way from LA to tell your story. Nothing but a legend, bro. I'm proud of you for every positive you've made in your life. Turning it from the negative to the positive. It's unbelievable. You're doing God's work, however God is trying to help people, trying to help people from not making the same mistakes you did. And even if they have made those mistakes, they're changing. Your dad's prime example, your prime example.

1:53:39He's clearly here for a reason. Would you like to finish up on anything, brother? No, I think that's good, bro. We touched up on everything. I'm proud of you. Look forward to seeing you again. And I wish you nothing but the best for the future, bro. Likewise. God bless you, brother. God bless.