In short
Bad customers across service jobs, focusing on extreme misconduct and how staff handled it.
Guests and backgrounds
- Amy (UK, London theatre usher, 2014): Worked in a West End theatre (about 1,100 seats) during busy summer holidays and hen-party matinees.
- Alex (San Jose, flooring contractor): Mom-and-pop flooring showroom contractor; first month of his career about 10 years prior.
- Jamie (The Dalles, Oregon, esthetician): Managed a salon; trained to perform male Brazilian waxing.
Key claims
- Alcohol-fueled hen parties create predictable “trouble customer” conditions.
- Some customers exploit staff boundaries (religious, sexual, or coercive behavior).
- Staff policies often prevent immediate removal mid-show, escalating problems until interval or police threats.
Notable examples
- Theatre: a hen party sneaks in an inflatable penis, violates “no singing/dancing,” argues at interval, then one woman squats and poops in the foyer; police don’t arrive in time.
- Flooring: a religious, flirtatious older woman and a very large man hug, flirt, and “pray” by groping and speaking in tongues; Alex escapes and later doubles the price to deter them.
- Waxing: a client demands male Brazilian service, becomes increasingly sexual, ejaculates during sessions; later he stalks a coworker and tries to force entry until she threatens to call cops.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOWelcoming International Guest
0:42 to 2:12
Introduction of a guest from Manchester living in Singapore.
“The stuff in my closet, I actually wear.”
Welcoming International Guest
2:51 to 3:51
Introduction of a guest from Manchester living in Singapore.
“And it actually works differently than what you're probably used to.”
Welcoming International Guest
4:14 to 6:16
Introduction of a guest from Manchester living in Singapore.
“Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester, and he loves it.”
The Bad Customer Story
6:29 to 14:00
A recount of a wild customer incident during a theater show in London.
“I was living and working in London at the time and I was working in a West End theatre, one that showed Mamma Mia.”
The Unexpected Theater Incident
14:00 to 18:09
A humorous account of a woman’s shocking behavior in a theater and its aftermath.
“First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry.”
YouTube Premium Experience
18:10 to 19:31
Discussion on the benefits of YouTube Premium and its features.
“I just got YouTube Premium this year, and it's completely enhanced how I use YouTube.”
YouTube Premium Experience
21:34 to 22:46
Discussion on the benefits of YouTube Premium and its features.
“Fondeo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines.”
A Flooring Contractor's Bad Customer Story
22:52 to 28:00
A flooring contractor shares a bizarre experience with a peculiar customer.
“We don't want to start off with an uh-oh.”
A Contractor's Unusual Encounter
28:00 to 35:28
Hear a bizarre story from a contractor involving a strange couple and unexpected situations during a job.
“I can't do anything about a lot of subtext.”
The Fine Line Between Religion and Creepiness
35:28 to 36:35
Exploring the unsettling connection between deep religious beliefs and bizarre behavior.
“say i have always felt this way there becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshipers.”
Show all 22 chapters
Reflections on Life as a Contractor
36:35 to 37:36
Discuss the pros and cons of being a contractor and the unpredictability of client interactions.
“you think you get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house no one told us you go there there's 13 dead cats oh baby no one tells you you just show up and you get a surprise.”
Navigating Male Brazilian Waxing
42:00 to 43:28
Learn the complexities and challenges of performing male Brazilian waxing.
“I was managing a salon and one day one of my employees called me that a man had actually booked a male Brazilian and she did not offer this service.”
Uncomfortable Client Experiences
43:28 to 45:42
Discover how professional boundaries can be tested in intimate services.
“So I'm immediately like, oh, thank God this isn't intimidating.”
A Disturbing Encounter
45:42 to 47:45
Hear about a shocking incident that escalated during a waxing session.
“on and i wax this guy for maybe two three four times and each time that i wax him the reaction to what i'm doing gets like more and more severe so his groans are louder he has some leakage Oh, no.”
The Aftermath of Inappropriate Clients
47:45 to 50:39
Understand the lasting impacts of having inappropriate clients in a service profession.
“this next part is actually for my co-worker.”
Final Thoughts on Male Waxing Services
50:39 to 51:44
Learn why the speaker decided to stop offering male waxing services altogether.
“I hate to stereotype, but if I were you, I'd only do small gay men.”
Transition to Listener Stories
51:44 to 54:05
The hosts pivot to listener stories, providing a new perspective.
“I've been waiting and waiting and it just never happens.”
The Bartender's Tale
54:05 to 56:01
Listen to a bartender recount a chaotic night involving a disruptive customer.
“And they used to let residents take amphetamines, no?”
A Hatchet Incident at Work
56:01 to 59:39
A wild story unfolds about a shocking altercation at a bar involving a hatchet.
“He takes his drink and he slams it on the computer.”
Reflecting on the Incident's Impact
59:40 to 1:02:11
The aftermath of the attack leads to life changes and personal growth.
“And I'm assuming he hit you with the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it.”
Family Connections and Support
1:02:12 to 1:04:04
The conversation shifts to the support from family and loved ones post-incident.
“I know, Monica, you're a fan of The Pit.”
Lighthearted Moments and Conclusion
1:04:05 to 1:05:16
The hosts reflect on the story with humor and curiosity about a childhood book.
“back have you ever read the book hatchet no i think it's a book from like when you're a kid and it's a boy.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi there. Today we have lots of stories, foreign facts, of bad, bad customers. Ooh. Naughty customers. Bad customer. I regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad. Well, because in fact, one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say. So naughty. We could have done deviant customers. So naughty. Okay. Oh, creepy. People have really dealt with a lot of stuff. It's hard to be in customer service. It's a beat down. It's a beat down. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right?
0:38Yeah. Okay, please enjoy Naughty Bad Customers. We get support from Quince. You know what I think about a lot? The stuff in my closet, I actually wear. Like not the trendy pieces, the sweater that goes with everything, or the pants that fit perfectly, the tee you kind of just throw on without even thinking. That's what Quince does. They make those pieces. That's right. They have 100 % Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at$60. Organic cotton, merino wool, quality you'd expect from a luxury brand. Luxury without the luxury price tag. We love that. They skip the middlemen, go direct to ethical factories, and pass those savings to you.
1:15We're talking 50 % to 80 % less than similar brands. I'm so excited for fall simply because I love my cashmere sweaters from Quince. And I also got to add that right before I left Nashville, I was assigned the task of putting all the bedding back on my children's bed. And I got to fold first the quince sheets and comforter, then unfold them and put them. And the entire time I was spreading it all out, I was like, by God, they really are so soft. It's crazy. They are. I also have a pair of sheets from quince that are really, really good. And honestly, what sets quince apart is that everything feels intentional.
1:48These are timeless, versatile pieces designed to be the dependable stuff you reach for day after day. You're not buying something just for right now. You're buying something that's going to be in your rotation for years. They've also got hotel quality bedding and bath, kitchen essentials, even furniture. So if you're doing any kind of refresh at home too, same quality, same prices across the board. Quince just gets it. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash dax. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too.
2:23That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Dax. We are supported by Arm & Hammer toothpaste, Monica. Oh, I know we are. Okay, real talk. When did toothpaste get so complicated? Every time I'm in that aisle, there's a new formula, a new promise, some ingredient I can't pronounce. Seriously, luckily Arm & Hammer baking soda toothpaste keeps it simple powered by baking soda. a time-tested ingredient you already know and trust. And it actually works differently than what you're probably used to. You can feel the baking soda break down plaque and stains for a whiter smile. Yeah, people think baking soda is too intense for your teeth, but myth busted because Arm & Hammer is actually a less abrasive toothpaste that protects enamel.
3:10It's gentler than a lot of what's on the shelf. You've been a long time devotee of Arm & Hammer. We've talked on here. It's your religion, Arm & Hammer. I have never stood so firmly by a product in perhaps my entire life. Well, look, if it's removing stains while keeping enamel intact, let's go. They also have different kinds. They have the Advanced White. They have PeroxyCare, which is my personal favorite. They have Complete Care, and they have TheraBreath. So you'll find the one that's right for you. It's also the number one dentist recommended baking soda toothpaste. So it's not just us saying this.
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4:13Hello! Hello! Oh, already a fun accent on the table. I'm from the UK. Oh, wonderful. Whereabouts? Manchester. Oh, wow. You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester, and he loves it. It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester, for sure. There's a bit of a competition between the Northerners and the Southerners in the UK, and I'm team Northern. I'm glad to hear that's standard with North and South, because Northern Californians hate Southern Californians, but we love them. And generally, Northerners hate Southerners in the United States. Yes, there's obviously a very historic North-South issue in the U.S.
4:58So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left? Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time, so I live in Singapore. Oh my goodness! Holy smokes, what are you doing in Singapore? I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting year. Congratulations. That's a big deal. Will you be a spectator at the Formula One race that's coming in a few weeks? Oh, yes. We go every year. There's one in Singapore. Yeah, not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race.
5:39It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it. And have you stayed at that place? What's it called? Like the Marina Bay or something? Marina Bay Sands. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit. And they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing. Wow, that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore. Oh, yeah. It's been on her list as long as I can. I went in 99, but I think it's changed quite a bit. I've lived there for eight years now.
6:16And even in those eight years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit. Okay, so you have a bad customer story. I do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014. I was living and working in London at the time and I was working in a West End theatre, one that showed Mamma Mia. So just to set the scene a little bit, three things that you should know about the story coming up. First of all is it takes place in the summer holidays. So the theatre that I worked in had a deal for one month of the summer holidays where one child goes free per one paying adult.
7:03So that month is always crazy. There's loads of kids in the matinee shows. It's a very family friendly show, Mamma Mia. The second thing to note is that it is also very popular, the matinee show with hen parties, bachelorette parties. Oh, I love that. I've never heard that. Yeah, I like hen parties. Me too. Particularly Mamma Mia, you know, it's a fun show and it sets the day up nicely. And the third thing is that this theatre is about 1 ,100 seat capacity. So it's not huge, but it's not tiny. And most of those 1 ,100 people turn up to the theatre 15 minutes before the show starts. The last 15 minutes before the show starts is mayhem.
7:49You're having to make some quick assessments on people. You're looking out for trouble customers. You're looking out for nice customers and seeing what's going to be happening throughout the next two hour show. And what are some of the red flags when you're looking for a bad customer? Inebriation. Is that on the table? It's high on the list. Inebriation is probably the number one that we're looking for at this stage. Come on, guys. Well, sometimes like your wife drags you to this play. You're on vacation and you're like get drunk at the pool and you keep thinking you're not going to have to go to this show.
8:21But then there you are and you're pretty hammered. Exactly. And in the UK, we love a bottomless brunch. And the matinee starts at 3 p.m. So you have your bottomless brunch. You take your way to the theater. What a day. It's dicey. Let's just say that. I mean, yeah, it's an amazing day if you're having the day. I just imagine 20 % of the audience out cold snoring. Yeah, exactly. Because they're drunk. It's happened. This particular day, I am working as an usher in the dress circle. So that's the first layer. You've got the stalls, you've got the dress circle. So I'm an usher. I'm inside the theatre and I have already got a radio call to say I've got a hen party coming to my circle.
9:05And they have been put on a watch list already. Oh my God. So they come in, they're having a lovely time. They're okay so far, but they've each got a couple of glasses of wine with them as well that they've been allowed to bring into the theatre. That was maybe the first bad choice of the day for the staff at the theatre, but we'll look past that. And we get them settled in their seats and they're having a lovely time. So I'm seating other patrons and I look over and they have managed to sneak in an inflatable penis, which they have now blown up. Oh boy. I mean, it's not huge, but it's noticeable.
9:42And they're now waving it around. There's a lot of kids around. It's a matinee show in the summer holidays. It's very funny. I'm laughing as well. You know, I'm trying to hold it together. And I ask them very politely, can you please pass me the penis? Sure. They start to pass it down the row and they drop it accidentally. That was in quotes for the listener. The penis proceeds to bounce down the rows. Oh, boy. And it bounces all the way down to the stalls, the level below. So we've got a penis falling from the sky. so that's caused a little bit of a stir but that's okay at least now the penis isn't my problem that's downstairs's problem the show begins the ladies start to have a little bit of fun you know they're singing along to the music they are waving and dancing which you'd think would be okay at but we had a policy of people pay good money to see a west end show they pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party singing the songs.
10:46I would hate that. So I very politely ask them, please, can you not sing anymore? That's part of the policy. You know, we don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So they quieten down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine. They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security. It's getting a little bit too much and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theatre. So the bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look a little bit menacing and they can see that they're being monitored and now they should be behaving.
11:26It doesn't stop. So the decision is made that at the interval they're going to be told they're not allowed to re-enter of the show, they will be asked to leave the theatre. The interval happens. They come out of the seats. They go to the bar where they are refused service. The front of house manager says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies. And now you will not be allowed to re-enter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting. They're swearing. There's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval.
12:02And so the big dog is called in. The theatre manager comes down from her office. Now, my theatre manager is amazing. She's very calm. She's very stoic. She doesn't take shit from anybody. I would listen to her. She scares me. So she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them and she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed. But there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theatre. The ladies are very upset, obviously. They want to be allowed back in or a minimum they would like a refund, which is never going to happen.
12:39Things very quickly start to escalate again. Oh boy. And they become even more irate. It's notching up, you know, to maybe an eight out of 10 on the beauty scale at this point. And so a decision is made to call the police because at this time, It's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them we will be calling the police to remove them from the theatre, it's a group of five women. Three of them leave. They decide, we're not getting mixed up with the police. We're going to leave calmly. However, the last two women, they want to make a point. They're not leaving. One of the women decides to pull down her trousers, squat and do a poo in the middle of the foyer of the theatre.
13:26Oh, I thought a pee was coming our way. Me too. But she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka. Full number two. Oh, my gosh. Your theater manager, who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe. Like, it gets scarier the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theater? She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, Madam, please. I think I know what's going to happen now. Now, if you could please pull your trousers back up. If you do need to use the toilet. We do have a toilet. We can facilitate that. First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry.
14:09I think that was just sim. She got herself excited about the cops. But can you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm going to fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually. So much wine. Okay. So she maybe has been holding it in. She's been drinking all day. Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people. Loose. Yeah, exactly, Monica. And so in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping. Ew! I haven't even think about that. She took her sock off. Ew! That's the best move.
14:45And walks out of the theater with her friend. Like, nothing ever happened. And that was that. The cops never... They didn't arrive in time. We're in a theater. The people won't leave. We're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left. Whose job was it to then handle that? Cleanup duty. The theater manager. She was a believer of, I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself. Oh, God. Did you stick around and watch? She got her rubber gloves on.
15:21We were all watching. Yeah, because I'm like, I would ask for two paper plates from the concession stand, and I would have tried to move. Because you're kind of imagining it as like dog poop. That's right. This is human wine poop. Was it real loose? Not to get too. Did she need a mop or a paper plate? It wasn't loose loose, but no. Oh, this theater full of children and a grown ass woman is pooping on the floor. First of all, I'm very sorry for you and the staff there. No one should have to deal with that. But I do wonder if this story came up during the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person, as vile as she is, is likely a legend now in her circle.
16:06Oh, God. Do you remember the time Betty dumped at the West End Theater? And she never broke eye contact with the scary manager. Like, she's most certainly a legend in her circle for this. But she wasn't the bride, right? Do we know? The bride had a sash saying bride, and then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police, she hot-footed it out there. Oh, my God. What is a bachelor party called a rooster party? Cock party? A stag do. Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented, and I don't forgive them.
16:45But I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say I have observed the intoxication level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day. Do you guys agree? Yes, because it's an all-day affair into the evening and then the next day, hopefully, if you're there for the weekend. They can get pretty wild. I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well, I think. It's comforting that all people behave like animals. Different kinds of animals, but yeah. Yeah, animals just the same. Wow, Amy, what a great punchline. I thought maybe a fight was going to be the punchline, but the fact that she just pulled her slack and not even addressed slacks, like that takes a minute to get down.
17:30Wow. And I got to imagine you were just immediately excited to tell your five best friends when you got off work. Oh, everybody was called. WhatsApp groups were messaged and it went down in history in the theater. We saw a lot of stuff in the theater, but I think that was probably one of the worst things that we've seen. That's great. That's great. I'm so glad you witnessed that and were able to tell us about it. Me too. Me too. It's a good story. Amy, it's so nice meeting you. Thank you guys too. I really appreciate the time and lovely to meet you both. All right. Well, enjoy your trip home. Thank you.
18:08Have a great day. Bye-bye.
18:16We get support from YouTube Premium. Okay, I got to tell you something. I just got YouTube Premium this year, and it's completely enhanced how I use YouTube. I already liked YouTube for obvious reasons. Yes. Watching all my car stuff on there. Everything. Everything's on there. And thought, how could YouTube get any better? Well, Premium has awesome features like offline downloads. Just use it on a plane ride. So I can download my favorite automotive shows and videos to watch when I'm on the go. And that means I don't have to wait when I don't have Wi-Fi, which is especially great when I'm traveling and don't have guaranteed Wi-Fi on airplanes.
18:51Speaking of not waiting, and this is my favorite part, YouTube Premium is ad-free, so I can watch uninterrupted whenever, wherever. Background play also comes in clutch because I can lock my screen and keep the audio going. This comes in handy when I go out for a walk or when I'm in the middle of a great podcast. Plus, it has a ton of other features I didn't even know about. Like, did you know Premium automatically downloads videos from channels you subscribe to? So even when I forget, my content is still right there for me. So if you're like me and you already like YouTube, you're going to love YouTube Premium.
19:26Try it now for two months free. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel anytime. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Award-winning banking, investing, borrowing, and more, all in one app. No more juggling five apps or losing track of your money, because money that's just sitting there isn't getting you anywhere. Start with SoFi checking and savings, earn a competitive APY, pay no account fees, no minimum deposit to open, and get a direct deposit bonus. Terms apply? SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. When you're ready to invest or finally deal with debt, it's all right there.
20:04SoFi members can talk to actual SoFi Wealth's world-class financial planners, which is useful when you have no idea what the next move is. One app, every dollar working. Get started today, SoFi.com slash armchair. SoFi, get your money right. This is a paid advertisement by SoFi Technologies and is not intended to be financial advice. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've talked before about Rob building our website on Squarespace, and I bring it up again because it's a perfect example of what they do well. Rob had all the pieces, the content, the vision, the ideas, but he needed something to actually take all that and make it public-facing.
20:42And Squarespace was that bridge. Maybe you're in the same spot. You've been developing something, a business, a skill set, a body of work, and it's been private. It's been yours. But at some point, you're ready to put it out there, and that transition from private to public can feel like a huge leap. Squarespace makes it feel like a step. Beautiful templates, built-in SEO, email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, everything you need to go from I've been working on this to here it is, come find me. All in one place, no code, no stitching together a bunch of different tools. So if you've been sitting on something and waiting for the right moment, this might be it.
21:19Head to squarespace.com slash DAX for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundeo or Fraglipron. Foundeo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
21:56Fondeo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Fondeo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Fondeo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia.
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23:01Alex? Uh-oh. We don't want to start off with an uh-oh. We're in a matching fabric chair. I'm in my daughter's room. Yeah, it's kind of a fake lamb wool sitch. They call that like bukake? No, I forget what it's called. We call it Target. Yeah, also great. Target. Where are you at, Alex? I'm in San Jose, California. Good old Silicon Valley. Close to the shark tank? 10 minutes from there. I had a famous poop there. You know, there's a little park. Just, well, our last caller involved the poop. There's a little park immediately to the right of the shark tank. And it has a little public bathroom, which is great.
23:42And I had been working there all day long when I worked for GM. All of a sudden I was like, oh, I got to go. And I ran across that park and I got there and they had closed that bathroom for the night. But I had already told my body we are seconds away from deploying. Oh my God. And then I had to bounce into the woods right next to the park. And when I saw next to me, remember the story? The Sim provided me a huge bag of cotton balls someone left out there. And that's how I cleaned up. Great to meet you, Alex. You too. And that's not uncommon in San Jose, by the way. I saw many other deposits while I was in that car.
24:16Oh, I hope you left a bag of cotton balls too. It's like you take one, you leave one. I didn't use them all. There's plenty. Next, you just go back later, you know? So Alex, you have a bad customer story. Yeah. The saying we have is you remember the good ones, but you never forget the bad ones. Well, I'm a flooring contractor. So if you're remodeling your house, need hardwood or selling, need carpet, you come to our showroom. We want an indignia, measure, get installers there. So we're mom and pop shop. I just started. This is my first month, pretty much. How long ago was this? Almost 10 years ago.
24:51Okay, okay. Fresh out of college, just starting. Trying to make dad proud. Show him I got the juice like pops does. Sure, sure. So a customer comes in, nice Asian lady, probably 65, five foot tall. I noticed she's very religious, very touchy, kind of flirtatious. Wait, why did you think she was religious? Was she wearing like a cross or something? Cross and right away. Today's a blessed day. Oh, got it. Okay. Don't you think God's blessed us all? Oh, wow. That's all fun, but that's not really, you know, me. As Sedaris says, when they say have a blessed day, he feels like he's sprayed by God juice.
Read the full transcript
25:24Oh. Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, right? Yeah. In sails, you kind of go with the flow. I'm helping her through the showroom, looking at stuff. And I noticed she's kind of very flirtatious and I'll razzle dazzle. I'll shake and bake to get a sale and entertain it. Yeah. It was kind of the point she's starting to touch your arm. Do you work out? You're so stern and young. Oh, so far. I like this. Yeah, this is fun. When you first start off in sales too, at least in this industry, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what's right from wrong. You're just trying to people please. So the biggest thing I noticed too, is when she leaves, she gives me a big hug, which is not really common.
26:00And she says, I cannot wait to see you. Like when I come to her house. Oh, wow. A week later, I'm about to go. She shoots me a text the night before saying, I cannot wait to see you with a heart emoji. Oh, wow. Can I ask, did she order carpet or hardwood? What was she in the market for? She didn't pick yet, but she did end up picking. It's called an LVP. If you've heard of it, kind of a synthetic plastic. It's a little cheaper. Looks like wood. I'm on my way there. Super nervous. You have no idea what to expect. I don't know the answers to their questions. Right when you pull up, you're like, this place is fucked up.
26:34There's shit everywhere in the front. Oh, no. They have multiple crosses and Jesus statues. She opens the door and right away, a few things are off. Right away, you smell, right? You smell horde smell from the house. Ooh, ooh, okay. She's wearing a revealing tank top, red lipstick matching her tank top with pigtails, kind of like Britney Spears. Oh, she's got like a character. And then she does her hi, like welcome in and gives me a huge hug. I was prepared to do the ass out hug. She doesn't. She goes like full in grasping. And then I look behind her. There's a ginormous man. I'm talking like six, eight, 300 plus pounds.
27:16And he's just smiling. What's his age? Probably about 40. Wow. So are you quickly trying to figure out is this son or young lover? What's the dynamic? What the hell is going on here? What is this relationship? Have you seen Mindhunter at all? No. Serial killer profiler. Looks like him. The worst sounds like him. He's very monotone. So he goes, Alex, it's so good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Oh. Everything's red flags, right? Shakes my hand. I've never felt something so feminine yet masculine. So he almost shook it as if he was a queen and I'm supposed to kind of kiss his hand, but then turn it into the hardest shake of my life.
27:58So as a guy, I was like, I think he's telling me he thinks I'm cute, but also letting me know he's so big. I can't do anything about a lot of subtext. Before I could comprehend this dynamic, I turn and I realized this house is full on hoarders. There's going to need a crew in there for a week before you're talking about flooring. They need a hazmat crew for us to just do the job. Again, first time trying to get a sale, you kind of push this all out of the way. I'm gonna make dad proud today. You know, then I knew it was immediately off when they started holding hands. I don't know if you've ever had a plumber or someone over your house.
28:35You're not going to call your wife, kind of hit on the guy and hold hands two feet away and walk the house. So I'm measuring small talk. Hey, how long have you been here? All these things. Within minutes, the big guy goes, how much is this going to cost? I'm here to figure that out for you, brother. Figure 10, 15 grand, you know, but we'll see. He goes, okay, we're going to go discuss this privately. That's awkward, right? So the kickers, they walk about three feet away as if it's private. I could still clearly see you and hear you. And a lot of little giggling kind of goes on. This is so crazy.
29:12This is a good chance for me to get going on the measurement. I could get this house done without talking to them. So I keep hearing him flirt. And the picture is, remember, this guy's almost seven foot and she's five foot. Oh, wow. And there's about a 30 to 40 year gap. So I thought it might be her son who's goofy. But I'm starting to realize, nope, I'm thinking they're lovers. Okay. The hand holding. Who's goofy. I get back to where they're standing. He has his finger on her chin like he's about to kiss her, like in a romantic movie. Yeah. And then they're just like whispering. And he gives her like a little two finger kind of slap.
29:47oh oh i'm kind of loving it i'm like this is awesome this is a good story and then he winds up and gives her a nice like oh like actual slap okay oh my goodness she's like looking into his eyes and love and i kid you not as i walk by you here you like that don't you bitch oh my goodness i think i need to get out of here maybe so i continue my measurement these people by the way would appear and disappear so i'm walking out of nowhere you're kind of like oh shit they're right there by your shoulder and they start asking me questions you just don't ask a contractor like hey are you single what's your partner like do you guys like to go out and have fun and drink are you hitting on me right now so i'm at this point rushing i'm like kind of sweating yeah let's get the hell out of here last room's the master as i'm about to open it the little lady jumps in front of me and says oh we're not gonna go in there right now oh right now this was the creepiest part.
30:44The guy's smiling at me and goes, at least not yet.
30:50Yeah, you're like, yo, this is out of a movie. You're like, this is the weirdest scenario I've been in. How'd they find each other? What a match made in heaven. They met at church. And then they would ask me if I could go to church. They even asked me if I would go to one of their church events and that a group of people hang out after so my mind's like i'm not trying to judge a book by a cover but i think we got a weird swinger yes swinger thing going on here just the basics right a little shake and bake i wonder what was in that bedroom a dead plumber maybe a dead probably a swing set and stuff like that sure and then mind you there's jesus stuff everywhere a shrine of jesus candles just everything poor Jesus.
31:34I'm sad he had to witness this. I told him during our discussion how I pulled my back the first day. I don't know if you guys have ever pulled your back. You can't walk. It hurts. So as I'm leaving, they go, please, can we pray for your back before you leave? No, thank you. Like, I appreciate it. And they're being very persistent. Maybe later if you want, I'm not too religious, but thank you. But in the end, obviously I give in. So I say, what do I do? She says, bow your head and close your eyes. And mind you, when they talk to you, have you seen Obsession yet? Yes. That girl does a great job and smiles with her eyes wide open.
32:12That's what they both did the whole time. So when they go, can we pray? It's more of like, can we pray for you? Sure. Normal prayer. After like 30 seconds, I realized they started creeping closer and closer to me. So they went from three feet, two feet, one feet. okay I'm feeling their breath on me at this point and I'm not even kidding I got frozen I was like I don't know what to do right now I look and their heads are right here at my shoulders and I feel like their body's touching my body oh their prayers started to get weird it had nothing to really god it was like give this man the testosterone and strength to prevail you know like what the fuck does that have to do with anything and then they start rubbing my back Ew.
32:57Like sensually. This guy has a huge hand. So it's getting real weird. The lady's doing most of the prayer. And the guy would just like kind of compliment her. So if she was like, give this man the blessings he needs to perform. She would just be like, to perform. Oh. And then she starts groping me like on my love handles. Like kind of squeezing. Sure, she loves them. Pulls herself up to my shoulder because she's short and starts whispering. I can't understand it and then I find out she's speaking tongue if you ever heard of it oh no her lips touch my ear as if she's kind of kissing and then the hairs on my neck go up I wake up out of this frozen whatever suspended out of it and right away I got back to human and went hey guys I'm getting the fuck out of here yeah yeah I'm not in this yet I'm rushing out the front door Big guy's kind of chasing me.
33:54They have like a little front gate that's half open. I kicked it open broken. Don't care. I'm getting out of here. Get into my truck. Hey, I'll contact you. Just leave in. And then they sit there on the sidewalk, hand over shoulder, both smiling, waving like happy family as if nothing just happened. So I go back to my showroom and all my older employees or 50, 60, done it for decades, having a ball making fun of me. This is not normal. You should have left. But the strategy in our job is you could technically fire a customer. So you pretty much just double the price. They're not going to go for it.
34:34You say, no problem. Everyone's happy. Go both ways. So I did that. And ironically, the big kickers, they signed up. So I was like, that's not fun i don't want to do it yeah and so about a month later we go i forewarn all my installers don't take shit don't let them touch you all these things and there's a lock box and he gets in and he says the house is practically empty no one's there no one's living there no jesus statues no nothing and the odd part is the master bedroom was still locked this is so weird i believe someone tried to pull me in a religious sexual three-way and it was my first real measurement of my career so it's kind of like can't get much from here right yeah it's a good first one to have and you really can navigate everything going forward yeah i gotta say i have always felt this way there becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshipers.
35:37Once you're speaking in tongues and you're involved in orgies, aren't we satanists? And culty. Licking people's ears. Oh, boy. Wow. So they didn't pay. No one installed anything, I presume? We installed and she sent a check. Oh, my gosh. I never saw her again and I refused to meet her because she wanted to meet up for coffee so she could give me a deposit. I said, put that bitch in the mail. Yeah. I kept it to like texting calls. I didn't show up. The guy said nothing was there, but we did the job. And about a year later, they called me. I convinced them to do just materials, like purchase the materials and we won't install.
36:17So they purchased the materials and came to the show and picked it up. And it was kind of like the last we ever saw. And thank God. Wow, Alex, what an experience. I'm kind of jealous. when you do sales and meet thousands of people the pros is you meet a lot of people and see how they live the cons you meet a lot of people and see how they live and not everyone's what you think you get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house no one told us you go there there's 13 dead cats oh baby no one tells you you just show up and you get a surprise. I live for this. I think it's awesome as long as you don't get kidnapped or hurt.
36:58Nothing you can't tell over a drink with the guys. Oh, Alex, what a lovely story. Thank you so much for telling us. Yeah, of course, man. Thanks for having us. My wife and I are big fans. Is she there? Can we say hi to her? Oh, yes, please. She's 38. Look at that. She opens the door right away. I was waiting. Hello. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Another girl. second girls exciting congratulations the way to go for sure lovely meeting you guys congratulations thank you thanks guys we appreciate it fun experience alright take care bye
37:43this episode is supported by Helix okay so summer's officially over sad and I'm trying to get back into a real routine And honestly, the first thing I fix is my sleep because everything else falls apart when that's off. It's so true. And what I love about Helix is they have over 20 models. So you're not just guessing and hoping for the best. You take a quick quiz. They match you to the right mattress for how you actually sleep. I have the cooling one and it is a game changer. Sleeping hot has become a non-starter. If I'm not on the Helix, like we were in hotels, I can only sleep with the sheet on.
38:19That's how hot I run. And Kristen just the other day was like, are you only sleeping on the sheet? I'm like, yeah. And it's off me half the night because I'm so hot. I have to have the Helix cooling. I agree. And if you spent all summer sleeping on random mattresses like Dax that weren't yours and you're ready to actually feel rested again in your own bed, this is it. Go to helixsleep.com slash armchair for 27 % off site-wide, which is exclusive for armcherries right now. That's helixsleep.com slash armchair for 27 % off sitewide. helixsleep.com slash armchair. We are supported by AutoTrader. All right, if you've been putting off car shopping because it sounds like a whole thing, buying your car online on AutoTrader makes it way easier.
39:04Really. You can shop tons of cars online, compare prices, check financing and trade-in options, all from wherever you are. And if you want to start online and go to the dealership for a test drive, you can do that too. Really. What I like is the flexibility. Start online, finish at the dealer. Or the other way around. Your info stays with you, so you're not starting the process from scratch. Plus, you're working with local dealer listings, so you've got real people helping behind the scenes. And when you're ready, you can pick up your car or have it delivered. Really. Buy your car online on Autotrader.
39:36Really. We get support from Skims. Monica's been in her Skims era, and I don't think she's coming out of it. Never. I'm never coming out of it. The Skims Lightweight Cotton Collection has been my go-to all summer. And even now that we're transitioning into the new season, I'm still reaching for it every single day. The cotton is so lightweight. It's breathable. It holds its shape wash after wash. Nothing has stretched out or faded. I don't know how they're doing this, but it still fits perfectly. That's pretty impressive for cotton, honestly. I know it is. And the cotton jersey t-shirt has basically become my uniform at this point.
40:12It's so flattering. It simplifies everything. I just grab it. I'm out the door and I feel good. I do love Skims so much. And I just shipped a ton of Skims to my parents' house. So you always have it there? So I always have it because I'm trying to not pack all of this stuff. And I decided, I was like, Skims is the brand. They're your essentials. They really are. I sent my parents a ton of bras and they all fit so incredibly. I sent a bunch of the lightweight cotton thong. Lots of colors. I just shipped a ton over there. So I'm always going to be happy. Yeah, you're sitting pretty over there in Atlanta.
40:48Shop Skims cotton and all of my favorite pieces at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select armchair expert in the drop down menu that follows.
41:07J.B. could be either a girl's name or a boy's name. We know that from my list. I think it's a girl. I think it's a girl. I think it's a boy. Oh, hi. I won the bet. There was a bet here whether you would be a boy or a girl. I also won. You said a girl? Yeah, Rob said a boy. Oh, I thought you said a boy, too. No, I just said it could go either way because I just read a list of girl names that are also boy names. And Daxton, let me read the whole list. There might also spell the boy way. Okay. That's fair to Rob. Further compounding. Where are you, Jamie? I'm actually in the Dalles, Oregon, which is right next to Hood River, where all your family's from.
41:46I know the Dalles well. We had to go there for Home Depot runs anytime we needed something in Hood River. Yeah. So I'm actually an esthetician. esthetician. I just listened to your guys's waxing story. That's what I do for a living. I was managing a salon and one day one of my employees called me that a man had actually booked a male Brazilian and she did not offer this service. I also did not offer this service, but I had just went to Vegas and learned at like a class on how to perform this service. So I was like, you know what? It's my time to grow up and be a good boss and I can do this. Tell me what is a male Brazilian?
42:31Tell us what the distinction is. It's the traditional like Brazilian wax, except for most estheticians don't offer it for men. So that's the only difference. I don't even know what a Brazilian is. All hair gone, including your butthole. Yes. Full genitalia, everything, every hair there, gone. I'm already imagining why it's challenging on a man because they have so much butt hair. We're going to stop at the butt cheeks. That's going to be a little weird. You see hair on the legs, like their pants. Yeah. I wouldn't know where to stop if I was applying it around the anus. I'm like, how far out do I take this?
43:04But anyways, that's my confusion. That's for you to think about. Yeah. Also, it was my confusion. But it's also like, I'm familiar with my anatomy. I've been trained on how to handle female anatomy. I have not been trained to handle male anatomy outside of how I'm already familiar with male anatomy. So I really didn't want to be doing this. Oh, yeah. The guy shows up and I'm tall. I'm 5 '8". This guy is like maybe 5 '2", 5 '3". So I'm immediately like, oh, thank God this isn't intimidating. Okay, I want to interrupt really quickly. Dax is normally the one to do this, but I'm going to do it. You're very pretty.
43:47Thank you. You are. I'll go further. You're hot. Okay. Well, I wanted to, I just was trying to, you know. Yeah. Okay. Yes. You're hot. She's trying to be polite. Yeah. I'm trying to say it. But I just think in this context, hot's relevant. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yes. And you're going to be touching a man's penis and pulling on it. Because part of waxing, for people who don't know, is like making the skin taut. Thank God he's little. Monica is exactly right. It is like a dangerous thing to be doing. I immediately like my guard kind of went down because I was like, you know what? The way that he looks and not to be rude, he might not have ever had his penis touched before.
44:24Oh, even worse. Yeah. This is worse, not better. I wasn't nervous anymore. Okay. Okay, great. So we go back there. I start doing my best. I'm trying to run through like everything that I have learned from the class that I had taken on it. everything is so much different it's a challenge i will say i wax women all the time they sometimes make noises but not a ton of noises and if it is it's like very an obvious like oh my god that hurts type of noise this guy is either dead silent or he is groaning oh boy i already knew that it would not be uncommon for them to have an erection during the service and i was fully prepared for that i was not prepared though for him to be like pushing himself into my hand every single time he was staring here the entire time your motion yeah okay monica's gonna handle he'd be like rolling his eyes in the back of his head and i was like this is just feeling not professional i finished the service i'm like that doesn't feel normal i call my boss and i'm like here's everything that happened it felt very sexual to me and she's like no you're being sexist you wouldn't treat him in this way so i go on and i wax this guy for maybe two three four times and each time that i wax him the reaction to what i'm doing gets like more and more severe so his groans are louder he has some leakage Oh, no.
46:07Oh. Okay, goodness. Like, we can say it pre-cum? Yes, I just didn't want to say it. I know, I'm sorry. I'm going to go ahead and say everything that needs to be said today. Yeah. So I might be tugging her shoulder at some point if I really need something said. But yeah, we'll call that PC. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Every time I wax him, I'm again talking to my boss like, okay, he's being so overly sexual each appointment. then one day i'm doing the service and he completely and fully ejaculates i miss most of it i dodged it very quickly some of it gets on me most of it goes all over him it wasn't quiet it was all very obvious that that's what happened mind you i'm 21 and i am I'm like, I do not know how to handle this.
47:00So I pretend it doesn't even happen. I literally just carried on. Then again, I go to my boss and I'm like, he literally ejaculated on me. And she's again like, you need to just man up. Wait, is this a woman boss? Yes. This is insane. This is a terrible boss. This could be a terrible boss story. It could. I mean, she needs to be fired. Does she want to be operating a jack-off booth? Exactly. Does she want this type of client? Also, then she can do it herself. Yeah, get her in there. A fun fact, this boss was also my stepmother. Which I think makes this even crazier. Oh my gosh. Bad boss, bad stepmom.
47:45Yeah, stepmom story. Okay, wow. I'm sorry. That's horrible. It gets crazier. Not for me. this next part is actually for my co-worker. So I ended up telling her after that, I was like, I'm officially done, though. I cannot handle this. He had also said to me, does it arouse you to cause me pain like this? And I was like, I've got you. I knew this whole time what your intentions were here. So fast forward, I don't see him anymore. And he ends up booking with one of my co-workers and she again reaches out to him to tell him she doesn't offer the service. He doesn't answer. He shows up. He starts demanding that she do the service.
48:31She says, nope, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. There was like five or ten minutes worth of arguing about it. He finally leaves. This co-worker took the like evening shift so it was pretty common. She would be there from 5 p.m until dark and she would be alone in the salon so this day she's closing up it's like 9 30 at night she shuts all the lights off she had to go like up this flight of stairs and then there's the back door like right at the top of the stairs that we would exit out of and as soon as she opens the back door he's right there he pushes her into the building No.
49:11And he is like, you're going to do my wax now. Thankfully, she is very strong. And she was like, absolutely, I'm not fucking doing this. Get the fuck out of here. And I'm going to call the cops. And that finally was enough to make him leave. And we never saw or heard from him ever again. But he's just prowling around the Dalles. Probably. And Dax, are you familiar with like Bingen? Yeah, yeah. He worked for that company in situ. Oh. Oh, sure. That makes the drones. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's all around. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, Jamie. I'm so sorry. This is horrible. Yeah, this is beyond bad customer. This is criminal customer.
49:54Okay, we got bad stepmom prompt. We got bad boss prompt. We got sexual assault prompt essay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. This is wild. And, of course, wax. Tell us about a short guy. Um, we're probably not going to do that prompt. was that your only dust up doing that stuff did you just go like i'm not doing dudes ever again no that's not the only dust up do women ever act inappropriate no never yeah i like that answer yeah it was a dumb question i officially no longer offer male brazilians because every single one that i have done has ended up either kind of stalking me or doing something inappropriate at some point.
50:37So it's a no for me. Yeah. I hate to stereotype, but if I were you, I'd only do small gay men. I'd have to go like, well, are you small and are you gay? If so, I'll do it. And otherwise, absolutely not. I know. But even still, I feel like just stay away from these men's penises, you know, men should have to do the, although there's not enough. I I imagine when you go to these Vegas conventions for anestheticians, very few are men, I'm guessing. I've never met actual male anestheticians. Yeah. I've never seen one either. But also because, yeah, because women aren't going to a male anesthetician.
51:15Right, right. You can only do dudes. Yeah. And then not very many dudes want it. And then the dudes want the women because they're gross. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is tricky. Maybe barbers could start offering it. That's right. Okay. Well, I'm so glad you made it out of there. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. You tried. Is that woman still your stepmom? No. Yeah. Good. Yes. Well, it's a delight to meet you. I could have bumped into you in the Dales back when my mom was in Hood River. I've been waiting and waiting and it just never happens. Do you ever eat at Solstice pizza? Yes, all the time. What a place, huh?
51:52I want pizza. It is a great place. That might be the number one thing I miss about my mother having left Hood River. What kind of pizza did they have? Oh, it's like organic, premium ingredients, tons of fun options. Oh, yum. Very organic-y, healthy pizza place. What are you giggling about? You just keep saying organic over and over again. I do. I don't know any other. Not giving any other description of what this is. But it sounds great. It's delicious. Really quick, I did want to say, I feel like I hear you, Dax, say all the time about how nobody ever knows who you are outside of Kristen Bell.
52:27and I wanted to say that I knew you way before I ever even knew who Kristen Bell was because Without a Paddle is one of my all-time favorite movies. Well, that delights me to no end. And maybe you should try out for the Savannah Bananas because that's the other folks who seem to have watched Without a Paddle. I was just talking about this today. Jamie, it's so nice meeting you. Yes, thank you. Take care. Oh my gosh!
53:00Hello. Is this Kyle? Let us take in your environment. You're a teacher. Came for the podcast, staying for the therapy. Oh my God. Listener, not only is that written behind him on some white background. Dry race. There's also two cute little cherries above. You're so meticulous and borderline OCD. Even the stems go outward. I noticed that. That's very pleasing. Cannot take full credit for that one. I may have some other Arm Cherry fans in here who helped out. Kyle, where are you? I'm actually at Rush Medical University here in Chicago, Illinois. I'm in the respiratory care program here, so loving it.
53:40We love doctors and nurses. I'm so honored that all these smart people are listening to us. And with that being said, you know, we got to throw on the, you know. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, wow. This is great. So you're teaching? I'm not teaching. I'm a student. I just started my clinical rotation. So in the final year of it all. Congratulations. How are you holding up? It's a beat down, yeah? Sleep is a rare thing to get. We battle through. And they used to let residents take amphetamines, no? That's what my understanding is. Something like that. Okay. But hey, pleasure meeting you guys. I'm excited to tell you my story.
54:22Let's go back to the year of 2020, the infamous year of 2020. I like to say mine got a little bit more interesting. So this is around October. I was not in school. I was just working as a bartender at this martini and wine bar. Pretty high-end place, you know, typical place you bring your first date. What city? Bloomington Normal, central Illinois, right smack in the middle. Okay. Rob, have you ever passed through? Yeah, it's like three and a half hours south of Chicago, right? Okay, great. Yeah, small little city. Pretty cool. But anyways, I'm at this restaurant. My manager had just left. So I was kind of like the manager on duty.
54:58We had a new bartender and I was like, you know what? Yeah, I'll stick around. I'll help them close up. So we've got all our regulars at the bar, you know, this time of night. We got this one guy who's like a professional poker player online. So he's always at the bar with his martini, sipping on that, playing. And he's got a good buddy who we call Big John. He's like 6 '7", 280. 80. He's like bouncer at all the different bars around town. So everybody knows him. So we're all just hanging out. And then this guy walks in. And immediately, you're just like, okay, doesn't seem like the type that would come in here, but whatever, sure.
55:33So he walks up to the bar, ends up ordering his drink. And I see him bickering with the bartender over the price, I think it was, because he ordered it on the rocks. And typically, we pour extra of it to rocks, and it comes with a little surcharge. Nothing crazy. I think the total cost of the drink was like$12. Well, he starts arguing about it. So the poker player is sitting right there and he's like, hey man, I'll buy your drink. Just get away. I got my computer here. So what does the guy do? He takes his drink and he slams it on the computer. Computer just, you know, shatters. The poker player just throws his hands up like, dude, what the heck just happened?
56:12And then Big John picks this guy up and it's carrying him out and I'm just like, oh, come on. The manager just left and I got to deal with this. And I'm like, John, you don't work here. Can't really be touching other customers. So I run outside. They're arguing, yelling at each other. John, I tell him to go inside. He goes inside and this guy just won't stop screaming. And I'm like, dude, calm down. And he's like, dude, I'm not paying for it. I'm like, I'm comping your thing. Just leave. And he's got his handy on his back. Like he's ready to sucker punch somebody. And, you know, at this point, everybody's outside with their phones recording.
56:48It's like, you know, oh, what's going on, you know? And all of a sudden, it comes to the side, and I'm like, what the hell is he holding? Is that an axe? What? And I'm just like, boom. Whoa. He had a hatchet tucked in his waistband? Sure enough, I found out later it was a hatchet, but he had a hatchet on it. So immediately, panic settles in. First of all, this is all over like a$12 drink. So I turn around. I'm like, everybody get inside, get inside. So I close and lock this door. So when I had my back turned, all of a sudden, I just feel something hit me right in the back. No. And my first instinct's like, tell me he did not just hit me with that thing.
57:28Because at first, you know, the adrenaline, it didn't hurt. Like, it just felt like he punched me. I reach back, feeling around, and all of a sudden, I feel some wet. I turn up and feel like maybe a little shoulder bone. Oh, my hand just completely red. Oh, my God. This is a fucking psycho. Yeah. You got to be so deranged to hit someone with an axe. That's a step beyond shooting someone. Who the hell carries a hatchet? So I immediately just fall to the ground. Big John is like freaking out because he thinks it's his fault. And I'm like, it kind of is, dude. But anyway, up to the point, put some pressure on my back, dude.
58:02Does the guy run? Oh, he was gone like in a split second. Well, I'll get to that. So everybody's drunk. Remind you that. I'm like the sober one there because I'm the only one who was working out the time. So everybody's drunk. I've got a girl screaming, just breathe. Just stay with me. I'm like, get away and call 911. What are we doing? So he's like, what can I get for you? What can I get for you? I'm like, give me a pillow. Like, give me something for my head. Sure enough, the ambulance picks me up. We get to the hospital in like record time. And I have like an aisle of people, you know, ready to take care of me.
58:32The police officer walks in, try to get some information real quick. And I'm expecting an answer and, you know, fill out a statement. But he goes, hey, we got them. I'm like, you got them. I was like, how did you get them so fast? So apparently somebody had gotten stabbed five minutes before I did. So they had police out looking for somebody already. And they found this guy running across. They're like, huh, let's go talk to him. Oh, my God. He was on a spree. Yeah, it was that one with also a hatchet. So I'm not sure. He ended up ditching the hatchet, but he still had the holster attached to his belt.
59:08So that's how they knew it was him. But it gets a little lighter. So the doctor there, as he's, you know, looking at the wound, they had to clean it like three times. Did not feel good. That will wake you up. But where he hit me was kind of funny because I have a couple of tattoos on my back and one of which is a mom tattoo. And he nailed me right on the mom tattoo. So my surgeon's stitching me up. He's like, this is kind of easy. I can line it up. He goes, hey, looks like mom had your back that night. Six inches to the right. Could have hit me in the back of the head or the spine half inch deeper.
59:42Could have hit an artery. So I got super, super lucky. And I'm assuming he hit you with the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it. Yeah, I sent a picture of Rob. It was a tactical hatchet. Oh, that's a terrifying hatchet. And okay, now I'm looking at the open wound. No, this is not. When I heard hatchet, I imagined like wood and like, you know, like old timey. Yeah, like lumberjack axe. Exactly. But this is like a straight up weapon. It's just a crazy weapon. Yeah, it looks like something you would see in a kung fu movie or something a warlock would carry or one of these crazy militia people.
1:00:24But look at the size of this fucking thing. Oh, fuck. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, it looks good, doesn't it? Ten stitches. Oh, it is a deep. And for the listener, it's the full width of your scapula, like your whole shoulder blade. Oh, my God. That's about the same size, right? Oh, yeah. Very, very lucky. Mom definitely had my back. Yeah. Well, Kyle, though, I can relate to you because I got hit in the back with a crowbar by a cab driver. And same. It doesn't hurt at all when it happens. You're just like, you register that something has hit your back and you continue running if you were in my situation.
1:01:02Yeah, and then back at the house, you're like, oh my God, there's a fucking huge egg on my back. Yeah. Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a train. The adrenaline was off and the morphine, it was rough. Did you follow the prosecution of this gentleman? I shouldn't say gentleman, this motherfucker. Piece of shit. He ended up only getting five years. I came to peace with it. It was like he didn't kill me. He had a lot of mental issues going on. So he did his time. But get this. As soon as he gets out, I was like, you know, for craps and giggles, I ended up looking him up. He ended up molesting a minor.
1:01:37He was like 14 or younger. So now he's at a halfway house in Chicago. And it's just like, are you kidding me? He's not back in jail for that? Dude, it's such a problem. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, we have these strays in our society. Yeah. For it being like the worst thing that could have ever happened in my life, it honestly ended up turning out to be one of the best things in the sense. I mean, I ended up deciding to go to school full time when it was over because I had nothing else but to think about my life and my life choices. Got into the medical field. Here I am with a white coat now. I ended up just getting on this reality game show called The Shift.
1:02:14I know, Monica, you're a fan of The Pit. Love it. So this show called The Shift, it's the same concept. It's like 12 hours and every hour is a different competition. So my season comes out October 20th. So definitely check it out on YouTube. I will definitely be watching the shift. This is exciting. You'd be like, that's the hatchet guy. Last follow-up question. Your manager had already left, which put you in charge in your 20s. And then you get hatcheted and they take you away. So I'm assuming the bartender was left behind to run the show. Who was at the restaurant? On the video, you just see him.
1:02:54He just puts his hands like this, and he's just shaking his head. The entire time it's happening, he's got his hands on his head. I ended up talking to him. He quit like a couple weeks afterwards. He was like, that was too much, man. It was too much. I never thought it would happen somewhere like that. I'm like, yeah, I guess. Not for everyone. Wow. That is really wild. It worked out. Exactly. Yeah, I got great supporters. If you don't mind, I've got two who would love to say hi. Yes, bring them in. Hi. Hi. I'm his girlfriend. He told me this hatchet story on our first date. Like it was going to be an impressive story to like attract me.
1:03:30Well, it worked. Clearly it worked. It kind of worked. We've been together. It's been four years. I didn't know him back then. Oh, I love it. Wow. And how about our second friend here? What's your name? My name's Bridget. I'm his sister. Something he failed to mention was my name is also tattooed on his back. Oh my goodness. But I did not have his back that night. wow real family man yeah i like this little triumph friend here well it's lovely meeting you guys chatting thank you so much it was great to meet you guys yes all right take care bye whoo hatchet to the back that's tough that's a shitty customer if they drive a hatchet in your back have you ever read the book hatchet no i think it's a book from like when you're a kid and it's a boy.
1:04:17And I know the cover and I also read it. Let's see. Yeah, this. Does this ring a bell? No, but it's a pretty cover. It's got the old-timey hatchet you were thinking of, not the assault hatchet. That's why his plane crashes and then he has to live, you know? And he's just got his trusty hatchet. Yeah, that's right. Grateful they let him bring a hatchet on the airplane. Yeah. I don't think you can do that anymore. All right. Well, that was wild. Yeah, that was wild. twisty and turvy. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
1:05:01We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, rindish. On the flyer, rindish. Enjoy. Thank you.
From the publisher
Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an experience with a bad customer.
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