Armchair Anonymous: Bad Roommate II

0:01Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Today we have Bad Roommates Part 2. Tell us a crazy story about a bad roommate. They're everywhere, these bad roommates. You gotta be careful. You gotta be careful. What I applaud and what we loved was one of our armcherries was the bad roommate. Oh, I know. Yeah, that was great. That was. I really like that. When we have these prompts, people, you know, we do a lot of foreign objects and body, and I'd like to do way more of them. Sure. But I really want to hear from someone who had the foreign object in their body.

0:39I would, too. I know that's high risk, but I feel like this is a safe place. It's high risk, low reward. Sure. But we want it. We still want it. No reward, maybe. Please enjoy Bad Roommate. This message is brought to you by Apple Pay. Checking out online? Apple Pay makes it simple. Apple Pay is accepted on millions of websites and apps and counting. Just look for the Apple Pay button almost anywhere you do your online shopping. When you tap the Apple Pay button to check out, you don't have to worry about filling out any forms with your shipping address or payment method or, for me, my billing address.

1:16Instead, use your pre-saved information and check out in seconds. What a joy. Need to make a change? you can easily review and change your card information and shipping details right in the payment sheet. Once you are ready, just double click the side button, authenticate your purchase with Face ID, and you're done. Whether you're shopping online for everyday needs or treating yourself, skip the hassle. Shop with Apple Pay. Terms apply. We are supported by Quince. Monica, we love Quince. We do. We do love Quince. We genuinely do. I've become obsessed with how they do things. They make these European linen shorts and shirts, 100 % European linen, and they feel incredible.

1:55Lightweight, breathable, but still look polished. And it's perfect for this time of year. Spring loves linen. I feel like everything they make is super luxe, but it doesn't break the bank. Yeah. And the way they keep prices low is they work directly with ethical factories. No middlemen, no retail markup. So you're getting premium materials at 50 to 80 % less than comparable brands. Like those linen shorts start at$34. I know. I hate to keep talking about the linen shorts, but guys, the linen shorts are really, really cute. They look classic. They look timeless. They look really expensive and they're so comfortable.

2:32I was honestly surprised by how good they feel. Yeah. Very breathable. Linen is a nice, nice material. It's a good material. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash Dax for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Dax.

3:12You gotta know, I'm gonna keep on shining. Hello. Oh, there she be. Hi. Is this Alyssa? This is Alyssa. Okay, your hair looks phenomenal. It really does. I just got really self-conscious. Oh, you did because it looks so good? Yeah. Your hair looks great too. No, it's like not good today. No, it's good. Don't look at it. You both look great. Alyssa, where are you? I'm in Sandpoint, Idaho. Ooh. Sandpoint, Idaho. What's the biggest city close? Spokane, Washington is 30 minutes. The upper panhandle, I'm like an hour from Canada. Wow, you're close to a lot of things. Close to Bountiful. Yes, I'm close to Montana, Washington, Canada.

4:01I don't know if you're familiar with Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho. Sure, yeah. I'm a member of many white nationalist groups that meet up there. Yeah, yeah. We have a couple of annual rides that I attend. Maybe that's your bad roommate story. Could be. Are you from there or did you move there? I'm from here. Yeah, I've lived in various other places, but I recently, three years ago, moved back home and I met my now partner, father of my child, soon to be husband. Wonderful. Okay, so where does your bad roommate story take place? In Spokane, actually. So there is kind of a series of stories about this person leading up to this one story that was kind of like the final straw for me.

4:46So this takes place in 2016. I was 23 at the time. I had just moved home from Portland, Oregon. I was living with my parents and I was desperate to not be living with my parents anymore. To give some context, this was a phase in my life. I had a whole head of dreadlocks. I was vegan. vegan oh fun were you like a portland street kid were you like rolling around in the dirt with the dreads if this gives any context the people that i hung out with were the type of people that played the didgeridoo and did hula hoop dancing and fire staff dancing the didgeridoo this is like a hybrid you know it's the weird goofy i honestly don't know it's like a big thing that you blow into And it's like tribal.

5:31Oh, this sounds like some weird hybrid of like Rensen folks and carnival people and Grateful Dead all mashed into a very politically charged city, Portland. It was a very interesting season in my life. And I was in like my whole wellness journey. So I was taking shots of apple cider vinegar every morning and that will come into play later on. Right. Very health conscious, very natural, very crunchy. so I had moved back to my parents house which is in Idaho but I had a whole friend group in Spokane only like 30 minutes away started dating this guy and obviously we had like a mutual friend group and there was a girl who was moving out of her house she was going to go travel and she was looking for someone to take over her lease and her room and I was going to inherit her roommate so we seemed like we had enough in common this is going to be great you know she seemed like a cool girl.

6:24We had hung out a couple of times. Very quickly, I noticed this person was kind of lacking social cues, the ability to kind of understand etiquette, especially when it comes to roommates. The first thing that kind of was a red flag for me, I had just moved in and my friends were helping me and we were going to go get some lunch. So we invited her, my new roommate, to come with us. She had asked to borrow a cardigan. I told her, go ahead, grab one from my closet. And she ended up grabbing my favorite vintage thrifted cashmere cardigan. Oh, my God. That's fine. I'm happy to share. I want to confirm the red flag, which is you just met the person.

6:59You're like, hey, I need to borrow. You already live there. Like if a dude moved into my house, I was like, hey, I need to borrow a leather jacket. That's strange. Girls do borrow clothes. I mean, one thing if she was visiting your house and got chilly, but she's next to her own closet. I know, but like girls do that. I want your clothes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have your clothes. Can I have them? so she grabbed a cardigan we're walking and she actually worked at this pub restaurant that we were walking to and as we're walking there it's june in spokane it's kind of chilly kind of warm it's warming up throughout the day we're walking and she goes oh it's getting hot and she takes my cardigan off and she looks at me as she says this and wipes her armpits with my cardigan no oh wow she's savage and me and my friends looked at each other we were like what who does that you know like maybe in private right like if i wasn't looking like maybe a quick but looks me in my eyes and wipes her sweaty armpits with my what color was it i'm so sorry i know that doesn't matter i just really want to know it was like a creamy tan cute flush no yellow yeah and white with hopefully deodorant paste i don't think she already yeah well we were crunchy Oh, yeah.

8:12It's not healthy. Yeah, it's not healthy. It's very dangerous. We then get to the restaurant. She works there. So she gets a discount. And her manager was our server. And she ended up ordering garlic bread, you know, just a side. And our tabs come and she asks if anybody has any change. And my friend Chelsea gives her her wallet. And she proceeds to take out every piece of change besides the pennies and pays for her entire tab with Chelsea's change. What? Doesn't leave a tip. Wow. So again, we're like, okay, these two things have happened in a span of two hours. These are red flags. I should have known, but I stayed in the house.

8:52I gave it my best shot. There was another time I came home, had been drinking and partying all night, came home early around like seven or eight, and my mattress had been pulled out of my room and onto the living room floor. And she was having like a sleepover on my mattress. Oh, I didn't have like a mattress to go sleep on. What the fuck? With one of her pals or her and a pal? Like a bunch of friends. Some girlfriends, some guy friends. She would eat my leftovers. You know, like I would bring home leftovers from a restaurant. She would eat it, which I think is just kind of odd. This gives some context as to what I'm dealing with.

9:24And the straw that broke the camel's back was when I came home one day after working. We had been living together maybe like three months at this point. We both had cats. My cat was mostly an indoor cat. He only really went outside with me. And when I had gotten home, I had noticed that the screen door was open and my cat was gone. And so I go to find my roommate and she's sitting on the couch. And I asked her, you know, like, where's Jasper? Have you seen him? And she's like, oh yeah, he got ran up a tree by the neighbor's dogs. He's totally fine. I'm sure at this point. And I neglect to notice that she has her hands down her pants.

10:04Oh my goodness. When I noticed this after I've kind of like, okay, whatever, my cat will come back. I go, what's wrong? And it's then that I see my bottle of apple cider vinegar sitting on the floor open. And she looks at me and she has this kind of look on her face, like her eyebrows are scrunched and she goes and takes her hands out of her pants has a rag on her hand puts said rag on the rim of my apple cider vinegar flips the bottle upside down then proceeds to put the rag back down her pants as she says i think i have hemorrhoids oh even worse i thought she was on her vagina for something but she's on her rectum yeah oh i thought she was masturbating oh my god Well, sure.

10:49First stop is like, and she's using both hands. Good for her. On her butthole. She was applying from the lip of the container. Ew. I'm surprised she didn't just put the container up to her anus. Also, how many times has she done that? Right. And you know, that's funny because I was just telling my partner the story yesterday. And he goes, well, hemorrhoids don't just like pop up. Has she been treating her hemorrhoids this way with your bottle of apple cider vinegar like previously? Exactly. And you've been drinking. it. Yeah, so there's a chance that I have consumed her.

11:27It doesn't matter, but I definitely need somewhat of a visual. Yeah, you want to know if she's cute or not. Like, is she normal looking or does she look insane? Totally normal looking. Definitely a stereotype. Like you would look at her and go, okay, like I can kind of guess maybe what she does in her free time. I think at this phase in her life she is a part of a circus if that gives any an actual circus or that's a term for like a sex cult okay it's not like that's not a euphemism okay and what was her talent hemorrhoids she had these like fans that had fire balls you know she would like dance okay so hold on that it's possible if i can make my best case for her she might have like an extremely high arousal setting like she's just dead if she doesn't juggle fire or fucking push these social boundaries like she's dying inside if she doesn't rattle herself with all this absurdity it just seemed like she was so comfortable in her own skin that she wasn't fazed by anything she had this glass dildo we would have house parties and her dildo was just always next to her bed with like a bottle of coconut oil and she wouldn't like put it away you know she just didn't care yeah and props to her for that i need some space right oh how did you end this well first of all Did your cat get retrieved?

12:46Was it in a tree? To be honest with you, I don't even remember what happened after this. I just blacked out. I have no memory of what happened with my cat. Obviously, he was fine because nothing happened to him that day. It didn't end well because I moved in with her because I wanted to not live with my parents. I went back to my parents' house to get out of this living situation. Do you remember telling her like, I just need to save more money? What was your excuse? I'm not good with confrontation. I was very polite, but I did send a very, very long I think maybe Facebook message or text message to her just explaining next time you have a roommate maybe these are things to think about yeah constructive criticism did she respond she did and I don't think she was fazed by it again she was kind of like this is normal stuff like what are you talking about yeah I feel bad for you and I'm envious of her I'm not me too yeah right just why you're well because I'm riddled with thinking about what other people think about me and clearly this well there's a reason because that that person just repels every single person that's around you know what i was doing most of your story i was very paying attention and dialed in but also i was making a lot of room for envisioning you with the dreadlocks my conclusion was you looked very cute with dreadlocks and i'm sure you were a really fun hang probably coming home hammered with the dreadlocks it was a good run you know i don't think they would suit my personality now, but at the time they were great.

14:10No one likes them anymore for white folks. And that's fine. I accept it. But I had them myself. Tell me, isn't it the greatest hairdo? Because there's nothing to be done. That part of thinking is done. It is great. And they always look good. They're not for me. I bet you'd look pretty cool if you had dreads and then shaved the side. Yeah, you've added that. And then packed a lipper. No, I'm good. I think you could rock it. I do. Well, thank you. Tiger side. well i'm sorry that happened that lady's nuts yeah i want to meet her i have to give a quick shout out i promised her i would my friend sarah she's my childhood best friend she got me into armchair expert armchair anonymous shout out to sarah we love sarah thank you sarah sarah proselytizing keep it up you're in an mlm and you have whatever they're called below you I don't know.

15:00Oh, yeah. She's top of the period. All right. Well, congratulations on the baby and the marriage. And I'm so happy for you. And it's lovely to meet you. Thank you. Lovely to meet you guys. All right. Take care. Are you a Max Verstappen fan, David? I'm actually a Sergio fan. I don't like rooting for the front runner. Oh, sure. Yeah. I always was rooting for Sergio. And I think he was never given the best opportunity. I agree. And I think history showed that he was faster than we thought. We just didn't realize how fucking fast Max was. Exactly. So, David, where are you? You have a beautiful background, but that's not to say that's representative of where you live.

15:40It actually is. It's not too far away from where I live. I'm in upstate New York, right outside Albany. But that was a fall hike in Lake George. Oh, wow. It's absolutely stunning. Oh, so you took this picture? Yes. Wow. Yeah, for the listener behind David is just a gorgeous thousand acres of forest followed by a beautiful lake that seems very natural shoreline. I had moved back here, I expectedly after not living in this area for 20 years, and I realized how much I missed being up in the mountains. Yeah, you get reminded. Okay, so you have a crazy roommate story. And where did it take place? It took place in Astoria, Queens in New York City.

16:22So it was February 2006 when Craigslist was at its peak. And what were you doing in Queens? Had you taken a job there or were you just loitering? I was working in Manhattan at a luxury hotel as a bell captain. Which one? The Westin in Times Square. Oh, wonderful. What was the biggest tip you ever received as a bell captain? Probably like$100. It was never anything too crazy. Fun job? That feels fun. Oh, it was so much fun. We had a lot of baseball teams that would stay with us. basketball teams, got to know a lot of players, have a lot of good stories that way as well. Anyone check in with like a large cage and an animal?

16:59Not that I remember. Okay. Okay. So you're working at the hotel. Sorry. Sorry. So met these two guys on Craigslist that were looking for a third roommate. We're in our 20s. We don't have many cares. We get along, things like that. But their friends that they grew up with live upstairs and they've converted the dining room into a fourth bedroom. So in Queens, You have a lot of railroad style apartments. In our 20s, we had no need for a dining room. So we decided we'd put up a wall like they did and convert that into a fourth bedroom, which gave us more drinking money at the end of the day at 26 years old.

17:43Thank you to our presenting sponsor, Grubhub. Gold Days is here, which feels like a dangerous time to be ordering food because suddenly everyone in your life is very interested in what you're eating. Grubhub Plus members are getting nonstop savings all month long. And if you're not a member yet, you can join for just 99 cents a month for six months. That's a 90 % discount off of the usual price. Grubhub Plus membership auto renews and terms apply. Sign up now in the app or at grubhub.com slash plus slash gold. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. So here's something I've been thinking about.

18:23There are people out there who want to make real change, not just talk about it, but actually do it. Maybe it's advancing in their career. Maybe it's making a difference in their community. And they're working full time, juggling life, wondering if going back to school is even possible. That's where Walden University comes in. And for over 50 years, they've been helping working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills, the confidence to build the future they actually want. Here's what makes it work. Walden's tempo learning means you're in control. No rigid weekly deadlines. No set schedules.

18:53You move through your degree at your own pace on your terms, and you're learning from faculty who've actually been there. Scholars and practitioners with real-world experience, 94 % of whom hold doctoral degrees. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu.edu and take that first step. Walden University, set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chev.

19:25So we agreed to put up a listing on Craigslist for the fourth roommate. My two other roommates, they were in constant communication with me, picked a day that they were going to be interviewing for this fourth roommate. I'm working that night that they're starting the interviews for the fourth roommate, but I get onto the subway and get there as quick after work as possible. And we end up meeting in what's going to be our apartment. And they said, we found the perfect roommate. It's this college student, senior. The only thing is, is he has a circumstance that he has to get into this room like next week.

19:59And our landlord had given us the keys to the apartment, but we weren't moving in until March 1st. Don't think much of it. Just, okay, cool. He's given us the first month's last month's insecurity deposit. We have that in our pocket and let him move in. Fast forward to move-in day, he's already moved in. My two other roommates and I agreed to rent a U-Haul. We'll move all our stuff that day, return the U-Haul. We picked up a 12-pack of beer and some pizza and unpacked the apartment full of boxes. The student roommate joined us for a slice and a beer, but really was introverted, didn't really have much to say, and went back to his room.

20:38Just thought, oh, he's not as social as we thought he was. About a week later, we haven't seen our student roommate for a few days. My one roommate calls and texts him with no answer from him. We're not like crazy worried at this point. probably should have been a little bit more worried. It's New York City. It's safe. We've never been in any trouble. One day, my roommate, Ryan, he gets home from work, who's been texting this newer roommate, and he gets a call from his friend who lives upstairs. And this is when DVR is brand new on cable in 2006 as well. He goes, I paused the TV. You have to come up and watch this right now.

21:16I'm at work in the middle of my shift, and Ryan texts me, I need to talk to you ASAP. It was early on and cell phones always on you at all times. So we had a work policy of no cell phones at the time. We had this enormous luggage room. We had a corner there that we could sneak away and always take a phone call or a text. So get into the luggage storage room. Ryan, the first thing comes out of his mouth is, are you sitting down? And my reply is, was our roommate found dead? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, no, worse. Oh, I know. the only other worst thing two other words oh i wonder who's right do we want to say it on three okay one two three murder or pedophilia yeah yeah okay yeah there's two worse than being dead exactly so the fbi has actually arrested him on crossing lines for child pedophilia oh and the reason we even said that is we just had an expert on and they were saying yeah the only thing Americans hold in worse regard than a murderer is a pedophile.

22:23It's the lowest. And it made the news. It was one of the top stories on the news that night. So we were in New York City and he had crossed state lines to Connecticut. Oh, my God. Yeah. So my reaction was the same way. I was like, what the fuck? So I went to my manager. I asked to leave early for a family emergency, quote unquote, and she gave me the OK. I changed out of my uniform and got on the subway as quickly as possible. I get home. My roommate, Ryan, who called me, looked like he had seen a ghost and showed me the clip. And he was the one who reached out to the FBI. Oh, he turned him in.

23:00Well, no, the FBI caught him. But because he was our fourth roommate, he wanted to find out, like, what's the next thing? The FBI told him, do not touch anything in his room because everything is evidence. My next thought was our landlord lives in our building. She was going to find out when the FBI shows up and we're going to get kicked out. We're not even a month into this lease yet. Luckily, the FBI came in pretty discreetly to pick up the evidence as well as interview Ryan. He gave the details about how he was rushing to move in. We didn't know anything else about him. Ryan stayed in contact with the lead agent for a while.

23:37Again, this is before even Google search became a thing. So I Yahoo searched that roommate that got arrested and saw that our address was on the sexual offenders website. Oh, geez. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And we're all in our early professional careers. So I had Ryan reach out to the FBI agent to get that all settled. But we did end up finding a fourth roommate a few months later who was amazing. She wanted to be Broadway singer. Good for her. She moved in with three dudes. At a sex offenders on the registry. Oh, my God. Yeah, she's ballsy. You know, that's New York real estate. It's hard. It's hard.

24:17That is insane. Yeah. Did you guys find out any of the details of what he was up to? Was he even a college student? He was actually a computer science major. Oh, no. It was with a minor. It was pretty crazy. Do you think the minor was ever in your apartment? No. Our understanding is that part of how he got caught was he commuted to Connecticut. to meet up with said person. Ah, that is a nightmare. Yeah, I know. I didn't think I would say this, but we've had two of these and I'd much prefer someone put my apple cider vinegar up their asshole than this as a roommate. If you have to pick. Yeah, yeah.

24:58Yeah. Am I able to give a shout out? Yeah. Of course. Awesome. I'm listening to you guys all the time. I even have a cherry personalized license plate. Oh my goodness. Me too. That is so sweet. Mine says arm cherry. Oh, nice. Yeah, mine says A-E cherry. Oh, we can start a car club. There we go. Start selling them. But I had to give a shout out to the person who got me into this podcast. His name is Scotty Johnson. I think you have a friend, Scotty Johnson. I have a best friend. I just got chills when you said that. I thought it was maybe the same person. Could it be the same Scotty Johnson? But it's not.

25:35And kind of Sim, he was the gym owner of the gym I went to in Miami. and he's now relocated to Detroit, Michigan. Oh, that is really weird. I hope Scotty Johnson and Scotty Johnson run into each other. Well, shout out Scotty Johnson. And I want to be on record. Yeah, if I've ever stolen anyone's personality, it was Scott Johnson. Yeah, he has a great personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and then Dax, I just want to thank you for all the father advice you give. I'm a single father to a four and a half year old daughter. Oh, congrats. That's awesome. Four-year-old little girl. Are you having so much fun?

26:12The best time ever. The full-on conversations are the best. Yes. I'm trying to get her into armchair expert, but it's more listening to Blippi than it is armchair expert. Sure, sure, sure. For now, give it a couple of years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get her anonymous, I think, is the gateway. Yeah, exactly. Well, David, it's lovely meeting you. I'm so happy for you. Yeah, thank you so much. All right, take care. Is it Bitney, Britch? Oh, my God. Yes. Hello. How are you guys? I'm great. What does your sweatshirt say, Brittany? It says I need a diet coat. Yeah, girl. Good sweatshirt. I figured you would appreciate that.

26:49I always have one handy. What do they call them? Fridge cigs? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Truer words have never been spoken. It's true. Brittany, where are you at? I'm in San Diego, so not too far from you guys. Okay. And you have an exciting, you're in an office. There's a cocktail cart. There's a weird head mask. Oh, is there a Star Wars fan in the house? Is that what's going on? It's Avatar The Last Airbender. It's an Appa. We have a dog that's named Appa. Okay, so you guys love Airbender. Yes, the original, the cartoon. Oh, okay. You had a bad roommate. Please tell us about it. Absolutely.

27:23I don't love the term bad roommate. It was just a wild roommate story. Love that. I will clarify later. Maybe that will make sense why I want to make that distinction. But let's go back to early May 2020. So this is peak pandemic. This is that phase where we're home 24-7. People are watching Tiger King. Oh yeah. We are making banana bread, drinking a lot. But it's also a time where your home life becomes more important than usual because you're home 24-7. So I was 30 at the time, working full-time, navigating remote work and what that looks like. I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend of two years, but we did not live together at this time.

28:03We had had conversations about it. I wasn't quite ready. So ultimately, I was living with random roommates by the beach. So on a Thursday night, early May, about 1.30 in the morning, I get a call from an unknown number. So I answer and on the other end of the line is a police officer. I'm a little alarmed, but he says like, I'm outside of your house. And he asked if I was safe. Oh, yes, I am safe. I'm confused. I thought I was safe until you called. Exactly. So then I walked my front door and open and slowly the scene starts to come into focus. And I realized that my house is surrounded by police officers with guns and spotlights pointing at my house.