Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Buck Rogers. Hello. Today we have crazy bar stories. Bars are very fertile ground. I mean, nothing, well, I shouldn't say nothing good happens. People find their soulmates at bars. Me cute. Yes. But alas, that's not these types of stories. You know, we have every version of depravity happening. So please enjoy crazy bar stories. Thank you to our presenting sponsor, Grubhub. Gold Days is here, which feels like a dangerous time to be ordering food because suddenly everyone in your life is very interested in what you're eating.

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1:55good times take them slow my life i had a boat but one thing you gotta know i'm gonna keep on shining you guys see me oh we can see you we can hear you what is this sound dampening you've put up are those trifold mattresses what are those no it's a nugget i don't know if you guys know what those are for kids you can basically make little shapes for them to climb on each one is about 18 inches thick oh and they're big cubes kind of that's fine yeah oh wow where are you justin i'm in central wisconsin right now when did you move there i moved here about three years ago i'd say from where minneapolis where the story takes place oh okay so you have a bar story please walk us through it all right so to set the stage this was back in december of 2018 i was working in downtown Minneapolis as a head of security and was head of security for about six months at the time at a bar.

2:54At that time, it was more of like a college place where kids would come from the U of M and go parties. So it was pretty busy. I broke up a lot of fights, literally almost daily. One time I had to go to the hospital due to another injury. Can I ask really quick two questions? How common is it to have to have a head of security? Is that just because it was a college town, do you think? Or is that common in Minneapolis? It's pretty common. Oh, okay. And then second, how do you qualify for the job? Like, what's the interview like? How are they determining whether or not you can handle your business?

3:21They've seen me before. I've broken up in quite a lot of fights. Okay, great, great. So one night at about 2.30 in the morning after the bars close, me and one of my security guards, we take one of the barricades and we're going to go around the building to put it into the garage where we put all the barricades and heat lamps. When we go around the corner, I see two men punching one woman. Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I hesitated for a second because I remember my boss constantly told us, do not break up fights that are outside because liability issues. Only do it inside. But I'm not going to let two men beat up a woman.

3:53So I dropped the barricade and I ran over there and tried to pull off one of the guys. He tried to punch me, but I was sober and he definitely was not. So I kind of just stepped back. He missed. I kicked him in the stomach and I punched him in the face and I pushed him over. My other security guard went over there and held him there for a minute. And then I turned to the other guy. He has a handful of her shirt just holding it. And he's about to punch. And he kind of looks my way and he sees me. And he starts going towards me to punch. And I saw that coming. So I put my head down and he hit right on the top.

4:22So I don't know if you know that would hurt him a lot. Yeah, his hand's broken for sure. Definitely, yeah. After that, he kind of let go of her. I punched him two more times. I used my left hand. I had him in the temple. And then I had him right below the nose. I also heard something crack. Oh, okay. He goes down and he has blood everywhere. He's looking at me and I see that he's missing a tooth. So that was the crack. So I turned to the girl and I say, we should go. And I'll never forget the way she looked at me. She turns to me and she has two swollen eyes. She's looking at me and she goes, I want to stay here with my boyfriend.

4:57That makes me so sad. Yeah, I didn't quite know what to say to that. I felt really bad. But then I look over and I see my boss. He's outside the door and he's like, get back in here, Justin, right now. I told her I was going to go call the police. So I ran in there and I get my phone. I called 911 and I talked to them and they said they were going to come away. When I got off the phone, I looked out there and all three of them were gone. So I had quite an adrenaline rush. So I couldn't really feel my body at the time. So one of my coworkers said, hey, you're dripping blood off your hand. I looked down and I have about a half inch cut on my knuckle.

5:30And I'm like, oh, great. So I go find the first aid kit, which is empty. And so I was like, okay, I'm just going to put some cold water in this. Another co-worker said, you should probably go to the hospital because getting saliva or something like that. Yeah, you could go rancid. You could get that cat disease. So I ended up going to HCMC, which is a Hennepin County Medical Center. I got there. It was pretty busy. And after about, let's say, an hour or so, I got to see a doctor. They washed it out for me a little bit. And then they gave me two different antibiotics because I'm allergic to amoxicillin.

5:59Then they sent me home, but they drew a circle on my hand. And they said, if it gets past this, you need to come back. I go home and go to sleep and I wake up at about 11 o 'clock in the morning. I can feel my hand is throbbing and it feels like I could feel my heartbeat in it. It was pretty bad to say, look at it. And the circle was down low, but the infection was higher. It had gone up past your wrist? Yeah, only about eight hours after all that happened. Oh my God, what was he carrying? Rabies. I wish he was drinking more alcohol. It might have disinfected him. Yeah, yeah. I decided to go back to the hospital.

6:34And when I walked into the door, to the left was the emergency room. To the right was urgent care. So I was like, I'm going to go to urgent care because the emergency room is packed right now. I walked in there and I talked to a nurse and she's getting all my information. And I told her I was there earlier today, technically. She looks at my hand and she goes, oh, and she drops everything and she brings me into the emergency room and then I get to the top of the list. So I go in right away. When I see a doctor, he looks at me and he goes, okay, you're probably going to need surgery. What? Whoa.

7:04So they got me hooked up on IV antibiotics. And a little bit later, I had a surgeon come in and talk to me. And he looks at it, he goes, okay, so this is what we're going to do. And we're going to put you under. You're probably going to stay here for a night or two. About an hour later, they bring me down to get surgery. I think the surgery is about an hour and a half. When I woke up, the surgeon was there and he was talking to me. He goes, you're very lucky that you came in when he did, because you could have had a finger or your hand amputated from how bad it was infected. I sent pictures. So wait, they went in there and they actually had to like cut out the infection.

7:37I thought you were about to tell me they extracted the tooth from your hand. Oh, gosh. I was like, oh my God, the tooth lodged in his hand. Oh, that would have been horrible. He probably swallowed it. Wait, yeah, so they cut out. You can see the pictures. Yeah, let's go. They kind of cut it. It looks like an S sort of. Oh, yeah, it looks real gross. Like it's going to pop with infection. Ew. Yeah. So the first one, then you have, right if I got the circle in my hand. And then the other two were after the surgery. Oh, wow. Did they tell you, did they like send tissue samples away and then tell you what the, I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm so curious.

8:13What was it? I'm not sure. I didn't even ask that. It was very painful. As you can see in one of the pictures, it looks like they kind of forgot some of the gauze and they kept it in there. But that was kind of like a wick to get rid of. Oh, keep sucking up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hanging. Look, Monica, it's hanging out of the. I saw. Yeah, you don't like stare at it. I don't need to keep looking. The most painful part was when they removed that. I thought it was just going to be like, you know, half an inch. There was probably an inch and a half or something. And he pulled it out quick. He goes, this is going to hurt you.

8:39Oh! And did you examine it when it came out? I would really want to see what was happening. Oh, yeah. It was very bloody. Yeah. I called my boss after that. And I told him, you know, I'm probably going to be here for a few days. He asked me if it was going to be workers' comp. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, that'll be workers' comp. So he was pretty upset about that. So I returned to work about a week later. I was told to do a safety briefing for all the security guards. This is how you break up a fight. And this is where you break up a fight, not outside. What were you going to do? Not as your job, like as just a person.

9:14Yeah, they were actually going to fire me. But a few of my co-workers, female ones, said that they were going to quit if they did that. Okay, now this willingness and appetite to get involved in chaos. I want to know how much the red hair plays into it. I don't know if you've ever heard my theories on redheads. We have a temper. I have a few rules you don't fight. You don't fight a guy at a stoplight who, when he gets out, he casually takes his shirt off. Not to show off, but just he's ruined so many shirts that he's learned. Just move on. Get back in your car. In general, a married guy at the bar, just don't mess with it.

9:47He's been holding a lot in. And then I don't care what size the redhead is. Just keep it moving. I've seen a lot of little, little redheads in junior high and high school get the best of somebody. My friends, they'd say I ginger-stamped. I also have martial arts experience. I got my black belt and karate and some stuff in the military, too. The entire thing from when I saw them to him going down, covering his mouth, was about 10 seconds. Sure. It happened very fast. I wonder what was in his mouth. He had been eating someone that had flesh-eating bacteria. Oh, he's a cannibal. Oh, I took down a zombie.

10:25How much longer did you have that job? Probably for another five or six months. The month before that happened, I also had to go into the hospital due to a slight fracture in my elbow. I was trying to harass some of the waiters and waitresses and stuff like that, and I tried to escort him out. He tried to punch me, so I put him in a rear naked choke, and right then I kind of fell forward. and his weight and my weight landed on the tip of my elbow. You'd think I would have learned. Well, again, I don't know what you're supposed to do when you walk upon that. No, you got it. It's time to get down.

10:58Of course, I'm having a lot of envy listening. I know you are. As a job, I would have loved to have had. I know you are. I loved it. Yeah, yeah. Aaron ran a bar for 10 years and he didn't have security. He was the security of the owner and the bartender. Yeah, and he got to see a lot of action. I was always quite jealous. Well, Justin, I'm glad that there are people wired like you and I that would intervene in a situation like that. And then, of course, I'm heartbroken by the girl who wants to stay with the guy. It's so upsetting. But also, you know, there's a lot of stats around that. Like, she would have been killed, probably, if she did not say that or do that.

11:29Like, it's a really horrible situation. I don't have any answers, but it's, yeah. Yeah. Can I do a shout out? Yes! Of course! My significant other, Sarah. She was supposed to be here to watch her son while I was doing this, but I got the times wrong. I forgot it was Pacific time. Oh, sure. Central time. She's the one that told me to submit it. She's the one that got me to start listening years ago. And I think Monica would really like her because you guys have a very similar personality, but she's also a physical therapist. Oh, I love her. I just add her to my PT collection. PT club. The two other people would be our friends, Amber and Ethan.

12:03They're the ones that got us to start listening to your podcast. Oh, thank you, Amber and Ethan. Yes, we appreciate all of them. Keep converting people, Amber and Ethan. I have a lot of people who are going to start listening because I was like, I'm going to be on there. Oh, fun. Well, it's great meeting you, Justin. It's good meeting you too. Yeah, congrats on your family. I'm happy for you. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. Are you so happy we have such a tough listener? Yeah, but also so sweet. Could you hear his sweetness? That's what I love. I doubt he's starting a lot of fights, but he's finishing them when they need finishing.

12:35Hello. Hi, is this Casey? Yes, Casey. Nice to meet you. Casey, where are you? Dax, I know you like to guess, so maybe you want to take a guess from my accent. Here's what's going to happen. And I already know what I'm down to. It's just down to two. And I know if I get it wrong, both parties would be very offended. But I'm going New Zealand on this one. Me too. I'm in South Africa. Oh! Triple wrong. Who's offended now? I don't know. It's pretty close. It gets mistaken now and then anyways. What city are you in down there? Johannesburg. Okay. What's the vibe in Johannesburg? I've never been. Jo 'burg's got the friendliest people, I would say.

13:11Have you been to Cape Town? No. No, I've only been to Tanzania and Kenya and Uganda. Cape Town's beautiful as well, but Johannesburg is way friendlier. Okay. And so you've got a bar story. Yeah. So let me set the scene. I was in my early 20s, like 1920 thereabouts. What's the drinking age down there? 18. By the time we're 21, we're veterans. I'd moved up to Johannesburg probably like a year before that from my hometown in George, very small coastal town. So small city to a big city, getting used to the vibe in Johannesburg. By this time, I've got a nice group of friends and we're starting to go out and meet people and whatnot.

13:51The story starts off at a braai. It's basically a barbecue. I love starting something off with a barbecue. Yeah, that's really fun. I went there with my cousin and I ended up meeting this couple there. Thought nothing of it. And a couple of weeks later or a couple of months later, I don't know exactly the time, I saw that the girl from this couple ended up being single and I decided to slide into the DM. Okay, lovely. After some time, we ended up dating. So that's kind of like the precursor to the story. So after a few months of dating, we decided to go out one night. We went to Hooters. So we also have Hooters here.

14:25I'm very happy here that you have Hooters. Hooters is very international. Best fried chicken sandwich. I maintain that. I enjoy their wings. Anyway, so leading up to this, the ex of hers was messaging me now and then on social media and not being very nice, let's say threatening me, but I thought nothing of it, blocked him, carried on with my life. We ended up at this bar and as I walk in, I turn a corner and I walk straight into this guy, like physically bump into him. And I kind of taken it back and I moved to the side and carry on walking to my table and we sit down, you know, think nothing of it.

15:02I forgot to mention this dude is super big compared to me. When you bumped into each other, were there any words? Bump in, no words, part ways. So thought nothing of it, right? So anyway, sit down at our table and we're having a good night, having a couple of beers, ordering food. And I see this guy starts moving closer to us and sits at a table adjacent from us. Oh boy. And he's like staring me down the entire time. Is your girlfriend with you? Yeah, my girlfriend's with me. I've got a lifelong friend with me as well. and then another guy friend of mine that's a pilot that was visiting he flies for doctors without borders in afghanistan but he's a british guy so it's the four of us sitting at the table minding our own business and every time i glance over to him he's mouthing or making as if he's swearing at me i can't tell what he's saying but you know you can see something not good

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17:27so we notice this as a group and we decide maybe we need to get out of here it's starting to get a little sketchy so as we stand up to leave him and his friends stand up to leave as well we walk outside and he starts to try confront me now i'm more of a lover than a fighter but i stand my ground my girlfriend at the time comes in between us and kind of like pushes him back and tries to calm him down a bit. And he's getting more and more aggressive. The bouncers decided to step in at this point. The bouncers at Hooters in Johannesburg are massive. So they kind of defused the situation. The bouncer then put his arm around me and started to walk me to my car.

18:06And the other bouncer was arguing with the guy behind me and just trying to handle the situation. Every time I glanced back, another one of this dude's friends arrived. So like it's turning from two people into like four and then six. And then at some point there was like eight of them. Now the bouncer behind me is starting to get obviously a little overwhelmed. And the one that's walking me to my car is like, okay, you need to leave now. Get in the car and go. Get in the car. The one female friend of mine, she got in the driver's seat and I was like, I don't think you should drive. Let me drive rather.

18:39Just in case we need to like get away or something like that. I feel like I'm a more evasive driver you know this parking lot that hooters is in it's like parking lots with parkades on either side but there's one entry and exit as we reverse out and we start going down this exit path him and his entire group of friends block the road oh god so now i'm like okay now what so he's standing in front of the car and he's swearing at me and trying to intimidate me. The friend of mine in the back, the one that was visiting from Afghanistan, had his window rolled down and one of this dude's friends punched him through the window and ended up chipping his tooth.

19:21His famous quote from that is, he spends his career in a war zone, but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets punched. This guy starts like pushing on the bonnet of the car, trying to stop the car. At this point, I've had enough. So I started to edge forwards. And as I moved forwards, he jumped onto the bonnet of the car and like smashed a massive hole in the windshield. Oh my God. Hammer fisted it. He's lost it. Yeah, he was pretty cray cray. So at this point, I just floored it and he kind of rolled off the car and we got home after that. That's not where the story ends though. Were police called?

19:59That's what I'm getting to. So So we got home and the friend whose car it was went to go lay charges at the police station. The next day, this guy contacted us and they were trying to negotiate so that she would drop the charges and he would pay for the damages. But it turns out he was contacting us because he tried to charge me as well. So he also went to the police station and he tried to charge me with attempted murder. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. When he was charged with malicious damage to property. So we ended up getting contacted by a detective. And now I'm super nervous. Like my first run in with the law.

20:38I'm like, what's going on? Am I going to get arrested for this? I go to the police station, make my statement. The detectives taken both of our statements. And he says, even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth. You know, so I shouldn't worry about it. So I was like, okay. And he said, he'll let me know if I need to come in for anything again. And that was the end of that. Then about a week later, he phones me. He's like, I need you to come to the police station today. I'm like, oof, okay. So I get my friend to go with me in case they can arrest me or something, that they take my car home.

21:09But yeah, it turns out that wasn't the case. He just wanted to tell me that they'd actually arrested the other guy, and he wanted to confirm some of my statements. So that's kind of where it ended. I ended up being a witness. For his trial. Yeah. I have no idea if he was convicted or not. I wasn't there for the sentencing or whether he was guilty or anything like that. So it was just stand as a witness. And that was kind of the end of that. And did he ever reach out to your then girlfriend about it? I don't think so. I ended up moving back to my hometown and then back to Johannesburg again. So a few years later, I bumped into him at the gym.

21:46Oh, you did? He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. So I think he'd learned his lesson, whether or not he got charged or not. Like he was super young, so I don't know if he would have gotten a criminal record or anything from that. I'm sure the judge would have been lenient if it was like a first-time offense. People cannot control their temper. No, young men are wound up a little hot. Yeah, especially when the legal drinking age is 18. Oh, true, yeah. Yeah, alcohol, jealousy, massive size, maybe he was juicing. Who knows what's in the mix? Yeah, a lot's going on. Well, I'm glad you made it out of there.

22:20And I hope that didn't taint your feelings about Hooters. No, not at all. I still regularly go to Hooters for their all you can eat chicken wing special. Oh, they've got an all you can eat wing special. Yeah. Oh, it's pretty good. And you'd love the exchange rates for it as well. I'm surprised they don't do some sort of like chicken breast special. You're more perverted than us. All you can eat breast special. Oh, my God, mom. You're so perverted. I will say I hated this about Hooters. They were very ethical about serving people because my friend Scotty and I used to go and watch basketball in the Santa Monica Hooters location, eat wings.

22:58They would only sell you two pitchers of beer. Yeah, because it's dangerous. But we would always be a little frustrated with what they wanted us to consume. But again, very ethical of them. So I guess I am applauding them, even though I was frustrated. How about down there? Is it willy-nilly? Will they over-serve you or are they pretty tight? The portion sizes are pretty big. I have been to the U.S. before, and South African portion sizes don't really compare. Like, U.S. portion sizes are insanely huge. Yeah. I know. We're so gluttonous. It's crazy. I'm guessing you don't have 64-ounce drinks at the gas station either.

23:32No. None of that. Well, Casey, it's lovely meeting you, and we're so flattered you're down in South Africa listening. I think I might be a first for South Africa. I think so. I think so. Please spread the word. All right. Well, lovely meeting you, Casey. You too. Have a good one. Take care. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Yes. Is it Leah or Lee? Lee. You just never know what these spellings. That's tough. I was excited for you guys to guess. I get Leah a lot. I get lay a lot. Lay is inappropriate, but Leah and Lee, that's tricky. How do you spell Leah? Leah, Leah, Leah. Leah? Leah. No, Leah. How do you spell Leah?