Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear. Today is children's birthday parties run amok. Well, you know, these children, they're wild. They're terrible. And you just don't know what's going to happen. Although a lot of these stories, the parents are terrible. You know, it bounces back and forth nicely. Please enjoy Crazy Birthday Party Stories.

0:47Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yeah. I don't know if anyone's ever sounded better. I like the setup. It looks profesh. This is one of those huge blankets. Remember those ads on Instagram a couple of years ago? I didn't get targeted, but I'm surprised. Me either. Like, how big are we talking? Would it cover the whole floor of a bedroom? Huge. I got it from my husband for Valentine's Day. It's like four blankets in one. Oh, wonderful. Like 20 by 20 maybe or something. Yeah. And where are you? I'm in West Orange, New Jersey. It's like right outside New York City. That's my first time hearing West Orange.

1:19Me too. You'll be happy to know, Monica, I can't say anything about the geography of it. I'm just learning of it. You can do whatever you want with your geography. Okay, Justin, you have a crazy children's birthday party story. I do. But first, because if I forget, she'll kill me. My best friend, Gia, turned me on to you guys. Shout out, Gia. She's a day one arm cherry, obsessed. Then during quarantine lockdown, I got into it. And I fell in love, obviously, too. And then Monica, I started listening when you were doing your egg retrieval. My husband and I were going through the process as well to have our daughter, which we had her.

1:51She's here. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. But it was so helpful just to hear your experience with the egg retrieval. Because not just women who are doing it, but families like ours who kind of could naturally just to hear every detail of what you went through was really, really helpful. Thank you. Then looking you up, I was like, she looks really familiar to me and I couldn't figure it out. And I lived in L.A. for 10 years. Oh. Soul cycle. I used to bartend at the Abbey for four years and I was like, did I maybe make her a drink at some point? I think I've been to the Abbey once. So maybe you'd have a great memory.

2:23You must have been fucking slain bartending at the Abbey. were you just living your greatest life yes it was good that i got out but this story this was 2003 i had just graduated from mason gross which is the acting conservatory at rector's so i was 23 i just moved to new york city i was living in astoria queens in this little closet that was a bedroom and i was waiting tables at hard rock cafe oh yes great non-shows i got a job there i thought it would be cool. And they were like, you need New York experience to work here. So I lied. And so it was a Saturday night, super crazy busy. A lot of tourists come through.

3:05So the tips kind of suck. You're working with a constant feeling of rage. And I get sat with a birthday party. So it's the mom, the dad, and about eight 10-year-old girls. Oh, wow. So I approached the table and I'm like, let me get this drink order. And via the drink order, I learned a few things. First is that this is a family of privilege. I mean, Hard Rock Cafe birthday. Yeah, that's a pricey. Yeah, you're spending six, seven hundred dollars for those little girls to have dinner. Nachos. They brought these kids into the city for a night and they want to impress the parents of these other little girls.

3:38The birthday girls got like full beat hair done. So I'm taking their drink orders. They're all like milkshake. They're talking down to me. The mom's like, these are the only Chardonnays you have. And I'm like, well, Ken Bell Jackson's our top. And she's like, I guess that'll do. The dad's like, beer, keep it coming. I'm like, he'll be on my side tonight. I come back and I'm like, let's get the appetizers. Now, in our pre-shift meeting, every shift, they sit us down and they're like, you must upsell. You must sell souvenir glasses. They threaten us to get good shifts and good sections. So I'm offering the Jumbo Combo, which is like the biggest appetizer.

4:14It's this big thing in the middle of spring rolls, all the things around it, you know, something like that. and the nachos. I'm pushing all the best shit. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Order comes up and I'm in the back getting it ready and it's busy. The waiters are all running around and I'm like, I only have two hands. We're supposed to put on a separate plate the guacamole and the salsa with a little maco underneath. But I'm like, fuck it. I'm not doing that. I put the salsa on the side, guacamole on the other side, got the jumbo combo and the nachos and I come out to the table, put down the jumbo combo and then I'm going to put down the nachos and I clear more space for them and I'm like, I swear I put the salsa there with the guacamole.

4:50So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salsa. Meanwhile, I have like four other tables. And I look at them and they're all just wide-eyed, mouths dropped open. So I follow their eyeline to the birthday girl who's seated right beneath me. Uh-oh. And the ramekin of salsa is on top of her head. Oh, it's actually on her hat. Like a hat. Like a hat. Oh, boy. So I drop the nachos. I grab the ramekin with one hand. I scoop the salsa with my other hand. And I bolt. Oh, wow. Okay. And so I ran up to my friend in the back and I said, I just dropped the sauce on the fucking birthday girl's head.

5:25So I grabbed the little beverage naps that I was supposed to put on the plate. I run out there. The mom is standing up picking onion chunks. Oh, boy. And I come up, I'm scared to death, this mother. And I approach and I say, here's some napkins. And she slowly turns to me and says, could you bring a clean, wet towel? Yeah, that feels fair. In her defense, that probably was what was needed. Yeah, because he's tiny now. They're not going to do anything. I'm 23. I'm panicked. I run to the back. I see my manager. I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head. Can you get a clean, wet towel?

5:58He gets it. I ring in the dinner. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch. The birthday girl has stopped crying. They're laughing. Beautiful sight. The mom's drunk. The dad's drunk, looking at the rock and roll memorabilia. Now I'm feeling the spirit. I'm like, this is a great party. I'm going to make this up the road. So at the Hard Rock, we're supposed to do a big birthday announcement. Like they want us to scream, get everyone's attention, make it rock and roll. I hated doing these things. I'd always pay the kid with the Mohawk five bucks to do it for me. Which is ironic because you're in pursuit of performing.

6:29These are these weird contradictions we have, right? But it felt below you. Yeah. I went to Mason Grove School of the Arts. Exactly. But this birthday I was doing it. So I went to the back and I told the dessert woman, I was like, make this good. extra whipped cream. And so this was in a large margarita glass, plastic. What a restaurant. I want to go so bad. I want all this. I don't care how bad I feel the next day. So it's a big brownie on the bottom, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, whipped cream, cherry on top. I put the candle on top. I take it. I march out there.

7:01All their eyes light up. I'm like, get up. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, get out of your seat. I pull her up myself. Oh, wow. Okay. I pull her chair up. I'm like, get up on your chair. She's like, oh my God, no. I'm like, get up on the chair. She gets up on the chair. Your tone changes. Get the fuck on the chair, birthday girl. This is what they made us do. So I light the candle. I hand her the sundae and I turn around. I face the restaurant and I yell, attention, Hard Rock Cafe. They want us to do like, how's everyone doing tonight? Oh, God. Show you crowd participation. Don't forget to check out the merch.

7:35We got to get rid of some of these hats. Double dip. Yeah. attention horror cafe this is whatever her name is birthday tonight i want everyone on the count of three to say happy birthday and there's a collective gasp again and i was like oh my god no so i slowly turn around and she's on her back the chair is tipped backwards the sunday's on her chest it looks like it exploded everywhere she's screaming crying all the girls are jumping up the mother's looking at me like you're fucking dead. Yeah, you're literally the worst server ever. I look at the dad and he's trying so hard not to laugh. Okay, good.

8:18He's blasted enough. He's seeing the humor in it. I again, run away. I hope to get a wet towel this time. I go in the back, I find my manager and I say, can you please bring a clean wet towel? So I go out there trying to avoid eye contact, hoping they're cleaned up and someone's taking care of the chick. And I feel a Tap, tap, tap. And I turn around. It's the dad. And he slips me 220. Oh. And he gives me a little nod. And so I said, well, I ruined her birthday, but I guess I made his night. Wow. He's surrounded by all these little girls and this woman. And then he saw another man enter and have the same terrible luck he has.

8:53He's like, I know, brother. I know what it's like to disappoint these gals. I do it daily. Here's 40 bucks. That was really nice of him. And it's not like I was doing these things on purpose, right? Right. It's not your fault she's got terrible balance. It is your fault that you made her stand up on that chair, though. I don't think the chair was the issue as much as do not hand her something that weighs a third of much as her body mass and put her in a precarious. It's one or the other. Either have her hold the dessert or get her up on the chair, but not both. These are the lessons we learn in life.

9:24You came out really unscathed, I gotta say. Did mom sign the tip on the master bill? Did you get a pretty shit tip aside from the 40? What I do remember is that parties of six or more, they would include the tip. And that one, my manager was like, we're not including the tip. I'm surprised the meal wasn't free. He probably comped the jumbo combo. Maybe that dessert that almost gave her a concussion. Thank God the fucking thing was in a plastic. I know. Yeah, if you would have looked down, there was blood everywhere. You could be telling a much different story. Exactly. Time that you murdered a 10-year-old at her birthday party.

10:03Different prompt. Exactly. Thank you for that story. Yes, thank you, Justin. Thank you for having me. Can I go yell at my husband, bring him in here? Yes, of course. Hi, what's your name? Mark. Are you from the UK? I'm British. Oh. Who is this cutie pie? He also has a bit of a weird accent because she's raised by the two of us. Yes. She's half Josie, half British. This is Lars and Jean. Hi. Hey, Monica. Hey, Monica. Oh, hi, Monka. Hi. Hi. Well, you guys, congrats on this beautiful family. Thank you. All right. Be well. Take care. Thanks for having me. Bye. All right. Bye. Nothing cuter than hearing your name from a little baby.

10:52Noah said it the other day and it was so cute. He said Monka? Yeah. Does he say Monica or does he say Monka? No, no, no. It takes him a long, long time to get that middle syllable. That's a hard one. Because my kids did Monka a bit. Monka and Mamama. Mamama. That was Delta. Mamama. I wish this was a fact check so I could tell you Delta's most recent story. I was saying in a nutshell. The errands are in town. She's not been around the three of us. She's just meeting Tyrell for the first time. I'm going to put her in bed last night. And she goes, Dad, do you think Tyrell ever feels left out? And I said, oh, that's such a beautiful instinct to worry about that.

11:28But I don't think so. We've been all really great friends for 35 years. And I think he's maybe a little shyer. And she goes, OK, did you ask him that? Are you assuming that? And I go, fuck, I'm assuming it. Do you want to go ask him? And she goes, yeah, let's go talk to him. So we went downstairs and the errands were downstairs watching TV. And we said, Tyrell, can we ask you a question? And then we got this question out. And he was like, oh, my God, thanks for worrying about that. I have a relationship with each of them individually. And then when they're together, this new person emerges. And I just enjoy watching.

11:59And I'm glad I don't have to talk. So he just like walked through the whole thing. I was like, oh, thank God I assumed correctly. But she was right. I never asked him, but I assumed that was the case. Oh, she's always looking out. She's so empathetic. She is. You know, I take her for her birthday. Yeah, to the reckless unicorn. And Target. The year before that, we had lumped in Christmas and her birthday. And so Lincoln, we all went. This year, we didn't do that. And so I took her. And then on the way home, she said, do you take Lincoln on a shopping spree for her birthday? And I was like, well, no, I don't.

12:33Something that we just started for me and you, but maybe I should start doing that. And she was like, yeah. Instead of just being like, I get this special thing. Like I would do. She's very rare. I know. But it makes me think, then I need to give you a shopping spree every day. Like, you deserve so many shopping sprees. Right, right.

13:10Hello. Oh, wonderful. You're in a vehicle. Monica, I am so sorry I'm not in the closet. No, you sound great. I work from my car and I tried so hard to find a street that was extra quiet. And for whatever reason today, it's like the Audubon. No, you're fine. What job are you running out of your vehicle? I'm so interested. I am in wine sales. Ooh. There we go. So I have a trunk full of wine. I work for a distributor and I travel from account to account and sample them online and then bring home whatever doesn't get tasted. Oh my. Monica's backup dream job, right? I missed out. Wow. You thought you had your dream job, but you don't.

13:50I guess I don't. It's a wonderful gig. I will not lie. What state are you in? Actually, hold on. I'm going to guess space nothing more than there are two buildings behind you that are clapboard and they look like they're from the 1800s. So I'm going New England. I'm starting in New England. I'm going London. Old England? Yeah, original England. That's you are correct. I am actually in Rhode Island. In Rhode Island. Wow, I don't think we get many Rhode Islanders. This is exciting. Did you appreciate that one? That was fun because that's just a building in the background. Because that blue door felt very London to me.

14:25It's the yellow and red house in the deep BG that's a giveaway. Wow. I'm actually right now pretty much on the Brown University campus because Brown takes up most of Providence. So I'm on a really beautiful street that is just all old houses that a lot of students live in. If you run into any hot professors, send them my way. I will send them your way. I was going to tell you I had a bone thick with you about Rhode Island having little brother energy. Oh, there you go. It's about time. Let it rip. I've been really working on this for a while. wondering if I ever had the opportunity to say it. Let's hear it.

14:57I deserve to be taken down a peg. I'm going to go about it in a very nice way. Rhode Island is an incredible state. Born here, raised here. I moved away. I most recently moved back from Austin, Texas. Rhode Island is very, very special. There's more coastline here. It's sunny. So give it a chance. I will. From what I'm seeing, it looks beautiful. I mean, little brothers are beautiful. Okay, you have a crazy birthday party story. I do. My story takes place in 2005. It was my 12th birthday party. Fun fact, my birthday is on Halloween, which means that every year I get to have cake candy and I get to dress up and I get to do something Halloween related.

15:36And it's really wonderful. This year in 2005, my family was actually in the middle of a move. So my stepdad had built my family a house that was gorgeous. And it looks like a big old red barn from the outside. So when you walk in, the ceiling shot up 27 feet and the second floor started in the middle of the house. So if you were on the second floor, you could yell down to the first floor and have a conversation. So the acoustics were crazy in the house. However, around this time, my mom decided she wanted to move. She wanted to live on a real farm. We had found a farm. We moved out of our old house, but we hadn't closed the deal yet.

16:12So we still own the house. There was no furniture in it. So I decided for my birthday this year that I wanted to take all of my friends, a group of nine, 11 year olds, up to Salem, Mass. Salem, Massachusetts is known particularly around Halloween time because it's where the Salem witch trials took place. During Halloween, there's haunted houses and mock witch trials and wax museums and ghost tours and all of this fun stuff. Something that I loved at 11, probably not my group of friends idea of fun at the time. especially when they were about two hours away from home and not with their parents anywhere.

16:47I was very lucky. My friends agreed. They all came. But then we had a sleepover afterwards back at my old house, which was entirely empty with the exception of a television. All of my friends brought sleeping bags with them. It's a little creepy. There were some really funky features in the house that my stepdad had built in. He put an old confessional from a church in the house that was used as a coat closet. Oh, cool. Interesting. My mom had a giant wrought iron gate that was the entrance to her office area. So just something really funky. When you get back from a haunted night of things and you're 11 years old in a vacant pitchfack house, it's things that can freak you out a little.

17:25So it's about 10 o 'clock at night. All the girls are starting to go to sleep. I fall asleep very quickly. I have a tendency to do that. My mom decided to go sleep in a back bedroom in a sleeping bag while all the girls slept in a sleeping bag in the front area of the house. Everyone's falling asleep. About two girls were left awake. So now it's like three o 'clock in the morning and they're just having fun. And all of a sudden they hear thunder, which was really weird because there was no rain or nothing happening in the forecast that would call for thunder. So they didn't think anything of it.

17:55Then the thunder starts to get a little bit louder. Then they start to hear creaking floorboards. And they're like, that's really strange because there's nobody in the house other than us. And nobody's upstairs because the creaking floorboards were coming from upstairs. Then they start to hear very loud footsteps. at this point in time they start to lose their minds they run to get my mom who is six months pregnant at the time oh jesus so they run to my mom they wake her up and they're like dina dina there's something happening we're hearing these noise and my mom's like you know what go back to sleep you guys got freaked out we went and did all this haunted stuff so they go back and a few minutes goes by and they're hearing more then it evolves and they start hearing chains rattle then they start hearing little kids singing so at this point both of them are absolutely in hysterics so they go back and they get my mom and they shake her as my mom sits up she kind of starts to hear what's going on so she comes into the main area of the house the other girls start to wake up the sounds are continuing now they're hearing wolves then they're hearing a woman singing children.

18:57What the fuck? Oh my God. My mom is hearing all of this as well. My mom is in a panic. All the girls are crying. My friend Jenna's down on her knees saying her, our father. One girl pees her pants. It's just utter chaos. So this goes on for about 15 minutes. I'm sleeping through this entire thing. My mom grabs her Nokia phone and calls my stepdad and is rushing to tell and what's going on. And he can't breathe. He's laughing so hard. Okay. So she's like, what is going on? Do you know what's happening? Do you not hear me? By the time he can finally breathe again, he tells her that he rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at 3.30 in the morning.

19:40That was all Halloween sounds because he wanted to play a prank on all of the girls. Oh, he did. Oh my God. He did this on purpose. He's a rascal. This house he built is so weird. And now this. And where he placed it was in the hall upstairs. So the acoustics of the house were in a way that because it was in the hall closet, the whole house echoed with the noise. Oh, scary. So needless to say, I had a lot of friends that were not allowed to hang out with me for a very long time. Oh, no. My stepdad had to come and pick up one girl to bring her home at four o 'clock in the morning because she was inconsolable.

20:20Yeah. How are they going to go back to sleep after this? Even if it's explained to me at that age, I then go, well, this family is crazy. I don't want to be here. Ghosts are no ghosts. These folks are nuts. It was absolute mayhem. And the kicker is that his original plan was there are big glass windows in the house. He was going to have our neighbor come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and bang on the window. Oh, my God. He thought it was your 16th birthday party, not your. He got a little confused on your age. Yeah, he got overly excited. Oh, I hate to say little brother energy, but that reeks a little.

20:57Oh, no. You think it reeks a little. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, how fun. That's definitely big brother energy. No, it's very. It's over the top. Oh, it's too. It's over the top. Monica doesn't know it. She has a very fluid definition of big brother energy. Okay. We'll take whatever comes our way. No, he sounds fun. Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate the opportunity. Allie, you're delightful. Yes, so nice to meet you. And I'm so jealous of where you're at. I want a trip to Rhode Island. I do too. I want to be proven wrong. Come check it out. And Monica, I just want to tell you, I listened to Race to 35 all during my pregnancy.

21:32The episodes were coming out every week. And it actually inspired me to re-download 23andMe. And I had not checked it in years. Within a 48-hour period of time, my family found out that my mom had a brother. And he lives in Rhode Island. He has daughters my age. We are now incredibly close with them. spend holidays with them. Wow. It wouldn't have been without Race for 35 for downloading it again and checking into it. Oh my gosh, thank you. I'm so glad. Thank you very much. All right, nice meeting you. Bye. Hi, Taylor, how are you? Hello, I'm good. How are you? Dax signed your shirt. In BFAW. What grocery store were you at?

22:15I was at Sprouts in Nashville. Oh, okay, our last stop. Yes, and you met my little baby. Yes, we met so many babies on that trip. I know, I saw. A little baby tour. The only thing you were robbed of, not that you would have given a shit, but that was the only stop we made that we weren't driving the bus. I drove around the parking lot to see if the bus was there and was a little sad, but you know, it's fine. Yeah, that's fair. I had parked it in the barn and I didn't want to deal with trying to find parking for it. Were you someone who got a picture that Lincoln took? No, but I got to meet Ruthie.

22:48We love Ruthie, shout out. Shout out Ruthie. Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story? I do. It was March 1st, 2003. It's in Nashville, where I currently am at. Can I stop you? We've heard three stories and they've all been 20 years ago or 22 years ago. It's very interesting. I was seven. I was going to my very first ice skating rink birthday party. Super nervous, super excited. And it was towards the end of Open Skate, right before we were about to get off the ice for cake and presents. I was going to show my mom how good I had gotten at ice skating. I had picked one of my friend's moms.

23:24Her name's Betsy. And we were skating around the rink. And it felt like we were going lightning speed. And all of a sudden, I fall. And we were holding hands at the time. Fall kind of in front of her. And because we're going lightning speed, she can't stop. So she runs over my fingers. With her ice skates. Stop! Also, I'm going to add seven years old is pretty young for skating. Tell that to Michelle Kwan. Well, I won't because she's so good. But imagine Khaleesi skating right now. It's not like anyone's super agile yet. You have to start young if you want to be good. I will say most of us were gymnasts.

24:00So there's a little more agility there. Sure. Standard deviation above. I didn't know this had happened because I am high on life. I'm the best ice skater that there is at this point. You didn't feel it because you were in shock, probably. Yeah, we go to the bathroom and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to kind of see the cut. That's when I noticed, obviously, the blood. And I was like, let's not do this anymore because it's just pouring more blood out of my hand. She's like, OK. So she grabs my hand again really tight, lifts it up above the heart and takes it to the counter with a bunch of teenagers asking for the first aid kit.