Armchair Anonymous: Dental Disaster

22:59Yeah, she won a Best Boy Award today. She won lots of awards. Well, nice meeting both of you. Thank you so much. We love the show so much. Oh, thank you. All right, take care. Bye-bye. Fun. She really is immediately funny. I guess email us, Warner Brothers. Yeah, we'll connect you. All right, Amy, let's ask her if it's short for Amanda.

23:22You never know. that's weird that there's an amy right now that's sim simmy hello i'm dying to know why it's weird that there's another amy okay we were gonna tell you anyways because we interviewed an amanda and monica thought that perhaps amy was a shortened version of amanda i didn't think so but you're amy so this is wonderful you can clear this up i don't think so maybe there's one though So I shouldn't say that. There's got to be one. I think a better question is like, is there even a long form of Amy? I don't think so. Is there? No. And I used to feel very ripped off that I only got three letters.

24:00I just felt like that was not enough. I guess, Dax, you can relate. I'm opposite of you because I couldn't spell shit. I'm lazy. I don't want to write for a long time. So I was like, God bless. If I could get it down to two letters, that would be ideal. What's cool about Amy is it's three letters, but two syllables. You do get that little bonus. It's true. And top of the alphabet. Amy, where are you? I'm in Ontario in Canada. In London? I am in London. Yeah. Where we would throw our McDonald's bag out the window. You've probably heard me say that before. Yes, I have. Home of Rachel McAdams. Any other famous alumni?

24:31We have some Olympians. I guess I would consider them famous. Hockey players? Maggie McNeil's from London. Maybe hockey players. Clearly, I'm not up on the sports. I was going to reference that my husband is from Windsor, so big Detroit sports fans. But then I was scared that you'd ask me to talk about Detroit sports. I would never. But we had a great Armchair Anonymous story from London about the guy on the skateboard beating up the person and she had to go testify. And then it was a meet cute. As we're listening to that episode, I was texting my friend Lauren, who got me into Armchair. And we were like, we know exactly what bar that happened at.

25:05We've all done that walk home. And I'm like, yeah, it is the most believable story I've ever heard. Right. Least shocking story you could hear to come out of London. OK, so you have a dental disaster story. This happened last year. So actually, I just recently had the memories of some pictures that I'd sent and some texts that had popped up a year ago. But I think I'm very common in saying this, but I have a big fear of the dentist. Severe dental anxiety. My hands are like a bit sweaty right now thinking about, oh my God, I have to think about being at the dentist. From when I was a kid, I feel like I was kind of gaslit into thinking that my mouth was frozen.

25:36It was not during a tooth extraction. So since then, I'm like, I don't trust you. I'm going to go for cleaning and that is it. fortunately I do have a new dentist in London. So things have been going pretty good with them. I go to the office. They have TVs on the ceiling. So I can watch like a nature documentary. I've watched a Taylor Swift documentary. And what about getting the gas? A lot of places will give you the gas just for a cleaning. Oh yeah. We get the gas. Okay. Great. Yeah. Yeah. If you have a lot of anxiety about the dentist. That is definitely part of the story is the gas for an appointment.

26:03So I put my AirPods in, I have noise canceling on. I'm basically like, I'm going to lay here, wish for this to be over. And you just push me a little bit when I'm done. You're going to disassociate. You're like, I'm going to go to another place. I'm not here. So my dentist does offer laughing gas. So if anyone has not had laughing gas, it basically is like a mass thing that goes over your nose, kind of is uncomfortable. You're breathing in a continuous mix of laughing gas and oxygen for most of your appointment. And I get it for a cleaning because I also hate cleanings. I want to feel like I just drank a bottle of wine or I smoked a joint.

26:35You kind of like melt into the chair. It's lovely. Why aren't we allowed to just like have that? Oh, I used to do it recreationally. Really? Yeah, you could go to this after hours bar in Detroit and they had laughing gas balloons. This appointment that I was talking about last year was not a cleaning, though. It was actually an appointment to get a crown. So I was eating one of those hard suckers that have the gum in the middle and I cracked my tooth. Right when it happened, I was like, I don't actually care about the tooth. I care about the dentist visits that are going to happen because of this stupid sucker.

27:03The appointment for the crown is a three hour appointment. So a lot of dentists' offices will have two appointments. The first appointment, they kind of like shave your tooth down. They measure the crown, then you go on your way. And then you come back and get the crown fitted. My dentist, we're doing it all at once. We're going to shave your tooth down, measure it, basically 3D print it while you're in the office. That's probably not the technical term, but that is how it was kind of described to me. So I knew that I was going into three-hour appointments. So my AirPods charge, wake up. I have my kind of work from home breakfast, which is ramen noodles, like three cups of coffee.

27:36Very healthy breakfast. Start my day. Empty carbs and three cups of coffee. Yes, perfect. And like 2000 milligrams of sodium. It is important to note that my hair is naturally very curly, like ringlet tight curls. I have it down that day because, you know, laying down ponytail. Super annoying. I get dropped off because I knew I might not be feeling great after. So I want to get a ride after. So I get to my dentist appointment and I feel like it's starting off pretty normal. What was a little weird is I had to remind them that I wanted laughing gas. They can accommodate me. So that's all good. So I get down and I'm laying on the chair.

28:09They kind of fit that nose thing over. I'm immediately inhaling it as if I'm like, I'm like, how quick can I relax? Then they fit me for a dental dam, which I need to immediately pause about how unfortunate the name dental dam is because it also just shares the name with an STI prevention for oral sex. It was not that. And why are they calling it? I don't know why they also have the same name because when I tell that story, they're like, why is your dentist fitting you for oral? sex prevention. This is like a blue sheet goes over your face. Your tooth is isolated. So imagine I'm laying down. My nose is covered from the laughing gas.

28:45My face is fully covered from the dental dam. Close my eyes, headphones on, getting through it. Still trying to take as deep a breath as possible. And then the next thing I know, I pass out just in the chair. No notice. I've never fainted in my life. I didn't know what that feeling was. And I wake up and I am projectile vomiting everywhere all over and if you can imagine i have a dental dam on no you cannot come forward it is flying out of the sides of my mouth i'm laying down it's in my ears it's in my ears it's down my back noodles and coffee oh no yes visible noodles why aren't they getting you up so they're trying to tell me up and it's one of those chairs that they're like yeah it's never as fast as you want it to be.

29:30They're taking things out of my mouth and they're like, did you know you were going to pass out? Did you eat today? And I'm like, I clearly ate today. It is all over you. I can see a noodle on your shoulder. I can see a noodle over there. You know those suction tools at the dentist that suck up like blood and spit? They are actually not made for noodles. No, it's not going to work. You're going to clog that in a second. So I clogged it in a second, exactly as predicted. And I didn't just clog it for my treatment room, but the machine clogged for the whole office. Yeah, it's got a central vacuum attached to it.

30:16So the reason I know it clogged for the whole office is because what I did not mention is my dentist office is open concept. Oh, no. Wait, first of all, no. You walk in, there's a reception desk, and then imagine like a central island, almost like a room divider, but with separate alcoves coming off of that divider. No doors. It's fully open. Why? That's a bad idea. So if like a kid is crying, someone's screaming, you hear it. If someone is throwing up. No wonder you have anxiety there. It's like getting dental surgery in the middle of the mall. Yes. Everyone is immediately like their suction has stopped.

30:51You know, thinking what is going on. They're smelling puke. I'm still covered in the puke. So that machine is like getting dealt with while my dentist is talking to me about, you know, you're not supposed to eat before laughing gas. But because I had forgot to mention that I wanted it, they did not call me the day before to say, don't eat. Comedy of errors. I get up like you're kind of stumbly after laughing gas. I have to do a mini walk of shame to the bathroom past all these open rooms. Go in the bathroom. I have my shirt off. I wore a white T-shirt that day, which is so lovely. Washing it in the sink.

31:23I'm like washing my noodle hair in the sink, which is literally the same texture as the ramen noodles that I'm trying to wash out. Ringlets and ringlets. I am furiously texting my fiance being like, you need to bring me a t-shirt. I cannot sit in this. But I'm just being like, I just have to rinse off, go out there, get my shit and go home. So I go out there and my dentist reminds me that you can't leave because we have to finish your crown appointment. The crown has started curing. It's not like a go home and come back later. It's sit for an hour and a half rest of your appointment. No. Well, he had a lot of stick to it.

31:58Send me home with the crown and I'll figure out how to do it myself. Please. I'm begging you to get out of here. And they're probably now nervous to give you the gas again. I rejected the gas. I'm kind of like looking around for my AirPods being like, oh, my God, I just have to like white knuckle get through this. Can't find them. Of course, while laying back, the AirPods covered in puke fell out onto the ground in the puke. They got scooped in the garbage. So now I'm digging through my own puke. fishing out my AirPods so I can listen to my emo playlist. This is the grossest trip to the dentist ever.

32:29It is horrible. AirPods are wiped off. I'm like, I don't care about my clothes today. They're getting wiped off. My fiance has texted me saying, I can't leave work until I'm ready to pick you up. So, so sorry. See you when I see you. I'll bring a towel. The theme of this story should have been suck it up. The dentist is like, suck it up. Also the sucking of the thing. The sucking out, yeah. The fiance is like, suck it up. So it's, I can't get off work. So, yes, I basically just sat through the rest of my appointment, paid and got in the car and then, yeah, had to drive with the windows down the whole time for the rest of the drive.

32:58And then I have not had laughing gas since. Wow. This is also a good cautionary tale, though. Do not eat before laughing gas. I didn't know that. Have you never had it, Monica? So at my Botox person, it's called something, but whatever. An esthetician? They have it there. You like suck on it with your mouth. And I'm not good at it. I keep trying to do it and I'm not really inhaling it right or doing it right. really suck on it. Like your life depends on it. I'm not doing a good job. So no, I've never had it. And then when you're super high and they ask if you can feel it, you say no. I'm good.

33:29I didn't even know you turned it on yet, to be honest. Oh my God. Okay, that's not good advice. I don't want anyone to assume you don't ever. Yeah, don't do that. Always be honest. If they say, do you feel it? You say yes. I did not feel it. So I guess it would have been fine. We're so opposite. I mean, isn't that the most quintessential example of how different we are? Like you're not even feeling it, but you're not asking for more. I'm feeling it. I'm like, guys, where is it? Yeah, exactly. I think it's also like maybe someone doesn't need three hours of laughing gas. Yeah, that's too much. Like my previous appointments were like 30 minutes.

33:56This was like an hour and a half of like nitrous. Yeah, I kind of feel like they fucked up a little bit. They should have been monitoring a little bit, like how much laughing gas is being consumed. I don't want to blame them because I want people to have easy access. I blame myself. I probably could have had a better breakfast. Could have gone somewhere that had doors also. I mean, you might as well just eat like a notebook of paper. I have been back to the dentist. They obviously very respectful, did not say anything. But, you know, the second I left, they're like, what the fuck? To deal with that suction device, can they reverse the direction of the air and like blow out all this shit that got sucked in?

34:35I hate this. And then just shooting noodles everywhere. Ew. Cautionary tale, near-death experience, all of it. That was delightful, Amy. I really like that. Because most people we talk to are getting their teeth knocked out and I hate that. That's what I thought. And I did truthfully read the prompt as dentist disasters. So a friend was like, I don't know if dentist is the same as dental. And then I was like, I read this wrong. No, listen, everyone needs to play it fast and loose. If you've got a good story that's even adjacent to the prompt, fucking submit it. Also, you wouldn't have been picked if it wasn't good.

35:10That's a great way to look at it. We are two for two for Londonites telling us great stories. Yeah. Keep them coming, Londoners. It's been a while since I've thrown the trash out the window there. I got to make a mental note to do that. Head on back. Yeah, it's been too long. Perfect. We can't wait. I'll keep an eye out for it. Thanks for chatting with us. Yeah, lovely meeting you. Thanks so much. Lovely meeting you both. Have a good day. Take care. Bye. Bye. Let's talk to your friend. Yeah, Elizabeth is joining us. Elizabeth. Elizabeth lame. Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Hi, guys. I forgot that this was happening until I saw your name on the sheet today.

35:50I was going to text you. I'll see you. But I didn't know if that was going through back channels that weren't allowed. You're a good rule follower. I would have been like, well, that violated how this works, Monica. We can no longer do it ethically. The only thing that's sex about this, Elizabeth, is normally I'd ask where you're at. I know where you're at. You're like three miles down the road. Yeah. I go, oh, Elizabeth, you go by Betsy. I know you don't go by Betsy. No. I was thinking because Monica's obviously listened to the podcast. She might have heard some dental stuff. I've shared a story.

36:18I had this dentist who pressed his dick against my arm every time I went in. Oh, my. Was he wearing scrubs? No, he was wearing slacks. Oh, trousers. Thin slacks. And I continued to go to him for years because he did great work. And it was just the price of entry. Sometimes you have to make hard choices. Did you determine it was accidental or intentional? because my hunch is if it was intentional, it would get hard. Well, that's interesting. And now I'm feeling a little self-conscious. Don't do that to Elizabeth. She's going to feel not cute. No, no, no. But if your kink is like, oh, I love rubbing my dick on people's arms, clearly he would become aroused.

36:57Now I'm acting as his lawyer in the defense case. I'm like, well, my client's penis never became a wreck. So how can you claim this is his kink? How do we know it didn't though? It might've. I'd like to think it did. And he just was dealing with some blood pressure issues. Yeah, of course. Wait, you guys, I'm so sorry, but my audio recording for QuickTime. You're supposed to be a professional. I know, you are a professional. But luckily it's sounding so good on our end that it'll be fine. It's probably Andy's fault. Yeah, let's blame Andy. Why aren't you in the studio? Because Andy's in there working hard on Best.

37:27Oh, shit. Couldn't take the time. Hold on, that was all orchestrated and it was done seamlessly. Why aren't you in the studio? Oh, because Andy's, why is he using it? Because Best Dead, which comes out on October 30th. Okay, dental. It's going to top the guy rubbing his dick on your arm? This is much, much more sinister. Oh, okay, okay. No, I'm just kidding. So I was about seven or eight years old. I lived at the time in East Bay, San Francisco. I moved pretty soon after this to St. Louis. So that plays a part in the mystery that surrounds this lore. I was at a slumber party. And it was the first one with a lot of girls who I didn't know.

38:08That's pretty young for a slumber party. You have kids, I have kids. We don't actually do them because in part of this and some other stuff that happens. We don't need to get into that. But they're called something now, right? What is that thing? Where you go and you come home? Asleep under. I had a vibe there. First of all, I was like, oh, these people are rich because they had two stories in their house. And I didn't even know that was a possibility. We were in the downstairs area and it was a bunch of girls I didn't know. And I was feeling very insecure and it was time to go to sleep. And we all lined up our sleeping bags around a pool table.

38:43Oh, this is the rec room. They are obviously. Yeah, they have enough square footage for a rec room. I was like, are we in Clue right now with the billiard room? Was it wood panel? I'm sure there was wood paneling. It was definitely that vibe. I'm out of my element. I go to sleep and there was also some sort of mean girl stuff going on. And I was just like, I just want to get home, but I'm going to tough it out. And I wake up in the middle of the night with warm goo on my face and a mom screaming at me, but I can't hear her. Then the lights go on and I realize the goo on my face is blood. And I start trying to talk and I'm like crunching something.

39:25And I realized in my mind, I had bit a pool ball, but it was actually my four front teeth were shattered because a pool ball in the middle of the night had jumped the lip of the pool table somehow and landed on my nose and mouth. Because some kids were playing with the pool balls? That's the mystery. Or there's a poulter, guys. own theory about this. I am welcoming all theories because I never found out what happened. By the way, my parents had me in orthodontia. I have a picture of me in a headgear at Disneyland when I was six. They had worked really hard on these puppies. You have great teeth.

40:07Thank you. You do. They didn't fix the nose, but the teeth I got fixed and I remembered my dentist was a classmate's dad. So that's kind of one line I could have if I really ever decided to look into this. But no one knows what happened. Why in the middle of the night, a pool ball landed squarely on the middle of my little face. Now it could be a ghost. No, wait, hold on. I got to add something. This is my issue with the story. Why is the mom waking you up and aware that this all happened? You're not screaming. I think I was. In pain without knowing. Okay. So I'm like, she just happened to be looking at you when this happened.

40:47But then I'm like, then the mom did it. Right. Munchausen? Yes, psycho. She was like this little bitch. Yeah, she was mean to my daughter. Can you imagine, though, having a sleepover and waking up and some kid has their face smashed from your billiards table? No, I'm like, OK, we just lost the house. For sure. This family is suing and they're going to win. But you know, my theory is that there was likely a pet in that house, most likely a cat. Oh my God. This is the worst theory. You could spend the rest of your life trying to train a cat to pick up a pool ball and you would fail. Not pick up.

41:28They just were scurrying across the pool table. They knocked it over. Yeah, they knocked it. It fell over the lip. Did they have a lot of cats, Elizabeth? I don't recall any felines there, but that's not crazier than like a ghost. Oh, what? It's adjacent, though. I know you're very pro-cats, and this is a hard conversation to have. Well, that's what I think is funny is you just map on whatever thing you're afraid of. You're like, well, it was definitely a dog or a cat. Or a ghost. It was a cat, but it was a lion. That's what I'm afraid of. And I'm like, the mom didn't like my look or something.

42:00Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But it probably was a little sociopath kid who, in the middle of the night, and I'd like to think that she didn't really realize the damage that would happen and thought a pool ball was softer. Yeah. And just dropped it on your face to see what happened. Or threw it or something. I think they might have been horsing around. You know when you're a kid and you're playing pool with your hand, you're just trying to get it in the, you're pushing too hard, and then they pop off the table. That's the most generous explanation is it was a game injury. Girls being girls. Girls being girls.

42:34Girls being girls. Cats being cats. It's really haunted me because I can't whiten my teeth because those four teeth just stay the stained color that they are unless I want to redo all of them. So it's been such a burden. Wait, why? Okay, so you wake up, you're covered in blood, and then how do we treat this? They put, it's not veneers, but it's a crown type thing on these four teeth. bonding kind of? I think it is bonding. Oh, bonding is not very sturdy. I've had it twice and it falls off. Yeah. It's like patching a hole in a wall with the plaster repair. So you go in there and they just kind of shape willy nilly with that stuff.

43:14Yes. Honestly, Benji's dad did a great job because they lasted a very long time. And then it's just every 10 years or so, I got to go in and have them popped back on. If you had incidents where you bite into something and half your front teeth crack off. Yes. And so now you know why I was willing to put up with what I'm going to call a semi-hard dick pressing up against my arm. Oh, yeah. A chub, we would call it. I'm fully committed. I need a specialty dental experience. But your teeth are very, very white. We were just talking about white teeth earlier today. And actually, I thought in my head, Elizabeth has white teeth.

43:50I notice it a lot. That is so nice. No, yeah, you have beautiful teeth. You'd have no idea that you were assaulted with a pool ball. I had a sleepover. But because you're so game and I like this rivulet of conversation. So you felt that Dennis's penis on your arm a bunch of times. Do you ever feel in a massage someone's groin on your elbow? I have never. And I'm like, you're like, where is it? Yeah, I feel like that's the place. What happened? Well, you've been for real assaulted. I have.

44:24Sorry. Sorry. You've been on one really extreme end. So maybe the dentist felt like, oh, I just wanted you to remember that. Thanks, Monica. Oh, wow. We are sorry that that happened to you with the pool ball. Well, Elizabeth, this has been delightful. This is a little taste of the beautiful chemistry you'll hear on Beth's Dead if you're not already consuming it. That's right. I have a friend who I sent the preview link to. She's in. You got her. The feedback has been so awesome. Hopefully everyone checks it out. Have you begun yacht shopping yet? I might get a second story. A rec room. Oh, a rec room.

45:03The dream. People smoke cigars in rec rooms. There are always stories coming out of rec rooms. Maybe we could do a whole prompt. Rec rooms. Rec room stories. I feel like that gal that was humping her teddy bear to the movie was in a rec room. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Most first sexual experiences in the Midwest take place in a rec room. Or a wood panel basement as well. In the South too. That's where all the good times go. All right. We could do this all day. We love you. Love you guys. Thank you so much. This was so fun. Bye. What a delight. She should go into podcasting. She should have met podcasting.

45:39She should go into podcasting for 10 years. 20. No. Not 20, but totally lame was when I moved 15 years. fitting years that was fun I'm going to go out with a saying that my father said to every child he ever met be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you do you want to sing a tune or something? we don't have a theme song oh okay great we don't have a theme song for this new show so here I go, go, go we're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondery plus in the wondery app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.