Armchair Anonymous: Family Secret

0:00Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Family secrets. Juicy, juicy. Family secrets are dangerous. One was so juicy they didn't even show up. So juicy they pulled a no-show on us. That's right. But the others, yeah. Yeah, family secrets are fun. There's a really fun one in here I've retold. Yes, there's a really repeat-worthy one in this one. Please enjoy because your own are hard to enjoy. So enjoy other people's family secrets. We get support from Quince. Have you been wearing the Quince linen shirts? Yeah, I've been wearing them a suspicious amount.

0:43Yeah, European linen ones. They're 34 bucks, which is genuinely insane for how nice they are. It doesn't even make sense. Well, here's the deal. They work directly with the factories, cut out all the middlemen. So you're paying for the actual quality and not some brand's marketing budget. Everything's 50 to 80 percent less than comparable stuff. I love it because it's all very classic and traditional. And I know I'm going to be able to keep it for a very long time and the quality is off the charts. That's true. The style is very consistent. Whatever you get there, you walk down the street, you're going to look good.

1:15They have these lightweight cotton sweaters, which I love for when it cools down at night. It's a nice drape around your shoulders in the summer and then throw it on when it gets a little cool. And it's not just clothes. They do home stuff. Ding, ding, ding. Travel stuff. Everyday essentials. It's all the same model quality without the markup. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash dax for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's quince.com slash dax for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash dax. This episode is sponsored by FX's The Bear.

1:54The Emmy award-winning series returns for its final season. With no money, the threat of a sale, and a torrential storm in their way, the team bands together to achieve one last service. Can they finally earn that coveted Michelin star? FX's The Bear, the final season, all episodes now streaming on Hulu.

2:18Take them slow. My life, I had them old. But one thing you gotta know, I'm gonna keep on shining. Hello. You seem to be at work. Are you at work? I am at work. Today is, of course, of all times, it's like an annual huge celebration where I work. And so it would be noticed if I were missed. So we're making at work. An annual celebration. That sounds like a fun place to work. It is a great place to work. I'm keeping it kind of vague there. But yeah, it's a big annual celebration, kind of celebrating how well we did like the previous year. And yes, they treat us very well. As long as it's not to honor the founder, that kind of yearly celebration might be dicey.

3:06The founder's birthday. Yeah, yeah. Like everyone has to celebrate the founder. It's about the people that work here and nothing but good things. That sounds beautiful. Lovely. And are you allowed to tell us what part of the country you're in? Absolutely. I am in Arizona. Was just in Sedona, thought of you guys and your love for that space as well. I have a lot of affinity for Tucson as well. We used to have a lot of car shows out there and we would always stay at the same hotel. It was very desert landscape in the back patio. It felt like a movie set. And there's mountains in the background. It's lovely there.

3:34Most things I can agree with you on. That one, I'm not going to. If you're a native to Arizona, which both my husband and I are, you're not usually a fan of Tucson. Unless you want to go away, then you have to get like indoctrinated into saying good things about Tucson. Right, right, right. Okay. So you have a family secret story. I sure do. So first I have to give credit to my niece, Jossie, way back when she used to do my lashes of like non-consensually sitting there listening to you guys. So anyone that sat in her chair is an arm cherry. But over the years, hearing all of the prompts and the stories, I'm like, oh God, I hope one pops up for this.

4:07Because it's such a, I think, bizarre story. at least it's felt bizarre for me because it's like an onion and I've peeled back the layers starting at like age 12 to even like as of a year ago. Oh, exciting. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Late 1900s or really 1997, 1998. I'm in middle school biology class and we're learning about dominant recessive traits. Big R, little R, you're doing your punnett square and the assignment is to go home and find out what your mom's blood type is, your dad's blood type, put yours in there. It should all make sense. The math didn't math on that for me, which probably teachers hadn't thought about that in this age of like what happens when my kind of case comes up.

4:40So as an only child to older parents, my first thought was like, maybe I'm adopted. I go to my mom and I ask her, Hey mom, curious. Am I adopted? Can I ask a quick question? Yeah. When you asked dad for his blood type was like, Oh yeah. Oh, positive. And when you asked mom, mom was like, um, did you detect any hesitation on mom's part with cooperating with this? Great question. So I think she was the first one to be like, oh, neg. And then my dad came around and he just didn't really think much of it, just said it really quick. So when I asked my mom that question, she like paused and then she started to cry, which really freaked me out.

5:15And she goes, why would you ask me that? And I was like, well, it's either that or you cheated on dad. So I was just going with the best of two. She starts crying and tells me your dad and I had fertility issues and we ended up going to a sperm donor. And she was like, your dad just was never very interested in sex and he was done with doctors touching him. So we went the sperm donor route, but we were assured that it was a credible donor. They were a medical resident, all of this stuff. Spoiler alert, that wasn't the truth either because it was the 80s and it was the wild, wild west with fertility, which I'll get to that too as another part of it.

5:49So I was happy with that answer, I actually never approached my dad ever and ever told him I knew. And it just stayed between my mom and I, because as far as I was concerned, like that's my dad. Fortunately, I look almost identical to my mom. There's pictures to come later. But then I start noticing other things as I'm getting older, like you're going to sleepovers. And I can remember a group of girls complaining, oh my God, I totally heard my parents doing it the other night, like gross. And my first response was, oh my gosh, are you getting a little brother or sister? because in my mind, I had never seen like affection between my parents.

6:20I just associated sex with it's when you have a baby. Still dealing with unraveling some of those pieces too, but kind of just noticed some different things about my dad, one of his best friends. And then flash to I'm now like 19 and moving out. And I'd come over for dinner, like after moving out. And my mom pulls me aside and was like, Hey, I came around the corner to your dad's den, like his little office area the other day. And he was looking at gay porn. And his response was, I was just trying to access a link that was in men's health magazine to like take a quiz. That's a pretty good excuse.

6:51It's not bad. Especially when you say men's health magazine. You're like, yeah, I could see it. Which then she's like, kind of makes sense. You know, I always wondered if something had happened to him growing up or when he was in the army. Like, it just makes sense. A lot of these things. So it's like, I'll do some digging. I'll look in the computer for you. I'll let you know what I find. And just pause for half a second. It's crazy to me. But of course, I've never been in this situation. I'm in no position to judge, but it's wild to me that it took your mother minimally 19 years that she needed something that concrete.

7:20To start questioning. Right. Or is she fibbing to you? Either or. Those are interesting. I think that there's other pieces to that. Probably deep down, she knew, definitely had some self-esteem issues. And, you know, at that point, they had been married so long. It was almost just like this mutual understanding or agreement, like they're just good partners. He had retired before her. She was still working at that point. It was just kind of fine how it was. And they were just also the mind, it was just better to have two parents in the home than not. And so like that kind of drove a lot of them making their own sacrifices to come to find out.

7:51Like as I've gotten older, really the sacrifices each one of them made. Not having true love, not being their authentic self. But when I got on there, definitely wasn't him trying to get on to men's health. Definitely had a type. Big Heath Ledger fan. Oh, like the rest of us. Not judging. He's in the 99th percentile. So I put everything on a desk, gave it to my mom and just kind of said, do with this what you want. Ultimately, she decided never to bring it up. She was really afraid he might harm himself or he was just from that era. It wasn't going to happen. He ended up passing away in 2017 and still never said anything.

8:27I hope he came to peace with it and just shift from like sad to funny again. We had him cremated and in between like moves and we had my mom move in with us. We lost dad for a few years, lost his ashes. Oh, okay. A little mix up. Turns out when we were trying to look for a very obscure object in the guest room closet, it was in there. So even in death, my dad is still in a closet. Oh, it is sad. It is sad that he didn't get to live his life. But then it was just maybe a year ago that his only sibling, his brother, was in hospice. And I was visiting with my aunt and telling her, it was the first time I talked to anybody about the sperm donor, about losing dad's ashes and finding them.

9:09and like the stuff about my dad being gay. And she was like, honey, I knew your dad was gay. I thought he was with, I don't want to say this person's name. We'll just say Sam. I thought they were partners. It was my dad's college roommate, friends till the end until he brought your mom over for dinner. And I was like, oh, but I'm like, then if you knew, how come my mom didn't know? So like, there's other things to confront me. I'm like, how did you not know? And so I also went on to Ancestry after my dad passed. I was like, what if there's other people in the world that look like me also would love to know like about health concerns.

9:37I think between 23 and me and Ancestry, there's like 18 Habsies, no regulation. And to boot, this donor was not a vetted donor. He was just a friend of the doctor who was getting like 20 bucks a Dixie cup. Sure. This is common from back then. It's so interesting. You're lucky it wasn't the doctor. I mean, that's very common. Yeah, it's common. And this guy didn't tell his family either. So like, I guess some of the early folks that had gone on to Ancestry reached out because you can message people on Ancestry. I guess they got like a nasty grin back. Like you're making this up. This is a conspiracy.

10:14So that's his family's secret. I won't expose that for them, but like he did not tell his family. I'm even a few months older than like his oldest biological son. So you were out there shooting into Dixie cups before. That's a young man's game for sure. I had to look up and say like, what would 20 bucks be? And today it's like 61 bucks. Like that's a great gig. Yeah. I tried it at UCLA. Well, I feel blessed that I didn't have a good sperm count. I know. Because I would now. Although, I'd be fine with that if I had to meet a bunch of people. Would you really? Although I feel. Well, I think I'd have to support all those people.

10:46There'd be that. I'm not looking to go to anybody's Christmases or be written into the will. Just wanted to know some hell stuff. So the pictures that you have there, there's going to be one. I don't know what order they're going to be. There's one of my mom and dad like way back when. Well, your mother's so cute. She was a hottie. She still is. Now, as I've taken my rose colored glasses off, I'm like, he was an immaculate dresser. I was just going to say. He's very stylish. Once I married my husband, the in-laws all were like, yeah, he's got Lord Farquhar hair. I think I saw my dad's ears once in my entire life when we were on a boat and the wind blew his hair back.

11:15But like he blow dried that every morning. And I did include a picture of the donor in there too, just to prove like I do not look like him. But there's just pictures of my dad over the years. He maintained that look, man. Yeah. But it was like writing on the wall, everyone but me. And even more so like, I get it. I was a kid. I didn't know any of it, but my mom, I'm like, what the hell, mom? Well, she was probably just in denial or even maybe sadder. Like I'll take whoever loves me. I just want to be loved. Yeah. Is this gentleman with your father in this photo? Is that the presumed? Yes. That's the college roommate.

11:47They would go to dinner and be gone for like five, six hours. And I hope they were. And did that man have a family? He did. He also had a wife and one child, one daughter. It was like a mirror. Wow. Wow. How ironic your father loved Heath Ledger because he was living Brokeback Mountain. Oh, maybe that's part of why. I never thought about that. Okay. Now here's your biological father. He looks so different than your dad. Woo. I just like continue to find things. Like that was a new one. Just even last year talking to my aunt and being like, what do you mean you knew? And you just assumed like how we never talked about this.

12:21Like I'm 41 years old. Like we're just talking about it. I'm delighted that you had that moment with her because that makes me less sad for your dad. It makes me feel like he did have some kind of outlet. Yeah. And one or two people that really saw him. Wow. Family secrets. It's a juicy one. Thankful for the donor in the end. Thankful for my dad. All the things. Yeah. It makes a great story. I get to come meet you guys. Well, Ashley, we're so grateful that you were willing to take a little time out of the celebration to join us. Absolutely. I'll get back to those free food trucks downstairs. Oh, wow.

12:51This is a good party. They got food trucks. Yeah. Not like a little hot bar with fucking catering. Microwaved nuggets. There's a couple of tents. One of them is like an 80s tent with some skeeball down there. Oh, my God. Well, thanks for chatting. Well, thanks for chatting. You guys take care. Bye. Bye-bye. These genetic ones. They're a dime a dozen these days. Well, the lesson that should be learned for anyone who donated sperm, don't ever take a 23andMe or genealogy. Or at least minimally don't check that box. Definitely. Right. Or they're coming. They're coming for you. Yeah. It's a really interesting thought experiment, whether I'd want to know.

13:28So that was in 2000 or 99 in 2000. Yeah. So my child would be 26 years old. Yeah. Do you think you would think of it as yours? If you thought of it as yours, I think that'd be hard for you. Well, I know me. Yeah, I would have to get super involved. Right, exactly. And like you can't. So for me, it would be a bummer because I'd be like, I wouldn't have picked to have 10 kids because I know I have limited bandwidth. And yeah, I would be like, if they're struggling, are you kidding me? And they're struggling with addiction, I gave them those fucking genetics. Well, that's not, you can't do that. I would feel like I need to help them because I gave it to them.

14:01Well, no, you jerked off and then someone else picked out of a binder. I remember filling out that questionnaire, you know, vaguely. You just want to make money, man. I'm going to be honest with you. Oh, you lied? Then that is bad. I'm glad you didn't. I think I lied to the extent of like. I've never done drugs. No, I don't even know if it asked that, but maybe some health stuff. You know, like I had cancer pretty close to my family. I think I left out some health things because I was like, I need this hundred bucks. Well, it worked out. You didn't get it. By the way, so they told me. Right? Because I gave them a sample and they're like, yeah, you don't have a high enough sperm count.

14:40That was that. But what if I do get a knock knock? Now I've got at least a juicy lawsuit against the sperm bank that's probably already out of business. But wasn't it UCLA? The ad was in the Bruin. That was our newspaper. Sure. And then the medical office was in the UCLA medical campus. But I don't really know if they were officially affiliated with the school or not. I guess you can rent space. should I sue UCLA which is suing basically the state of California which is suing the taxpayer wow yeah wait till the news gets out that I had the taxpayer give me 10 million dollars I'm sure America's gonna love that story it'd be for those fucked up kids I created oh you'd give them to all those addicts it would be the fun to support all these kids I have that are addicts

15:35Let's talk about a condition many people haven't heard of, and it turns out it's more common than you'd think. Peyronie's disease, or PD for short. PD can happen when scar tissue builds up under the skin of the penis. This can cause a curve or the bump during an erection, and for some men, lead to pain during intimacy and may impact mental health. It may also lead to anger and frustration, depression, lowered self-esteem, and even withdrawal from sexual activity and physical intimacy. Because of this, some men could feel embarrassed or reluctant to talk about PD. The actual cause of PD isn't always known.

16:10In some cases, it may be linked to a minor injury or repeated injuries during sex or other physical activity. The good news is, PD is treatable. If you notice a curve with a bump, a trusted urology specialist can help diagnose it and walk you through your options, including non-surgical treatment. To learn more about Peyronie's disease, visit TalkAboutPD.com. We get support from Skims. Monica has been on a whole kick lately. I really have. When I get new Skims, it is like Christmas. I get so excited. I love Skims, and they have Skims cotton, which I literally reach for every single day. The fabric is really soft, but it also holds its shape.

16:55There's nothing worse than... Sagsville? Exactly. It's really bad. Skims never does that. Every single piece I've gotten from them still looks brand new. After a lot of washes, there's no stretching. They lay perfectly and they support in all the right places. You're pretty particular about that stuff too, which is saying something. It is. And I'll just say it. The lightweight cotton thong is the best one I've ever tried. I also have their cotton jersey t-shirt. I have it in black and I really love it. It is a tight fit, but it is very flattering. Sometimes I don't love a tight fit shirt, but Skims just does everything right.

17:31I really don't know what they're doing over there. The t-shirt is perfect for summer. It's a great summer shirt. Go get yours. Shop Skims cotton and all of my favorite pieces at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select armchair expert in the dropdown menu that follows. Confidence. It's listening to your gut. It's moving forward, even when the path ahead is unclear. For nearly 160 years, Pacific Life has helped people keep their promises, building confidence for generations. Whether you're confident in your financial future or just beginning to envision it, we're here to help.

18:09Ask a financial professional how. Pacific Life, the power of a promise. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska, and in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona.

18:26Hello. Hello. Hi. Is this Shane in quotes? This is Shane. Shane, where are you? So I'm located in Vancouver, Canada. Oh, our second Vancouverian today. What do we call people from Vancouver? Vancouverites. I hope that's right. Oh, Camboo. Oh. Cambooverites. And have you been in Vancouver your whole life? I have. I have moved around to a few different cities when I was younger. So Australia and out east, eastern Canada. So yeah, I've been a few places, but Vancouver has always been my home. Was it parents' job taking you to Australia and eastern Canada? No, I did a university exchange. So I did a semester out that way.

19:07In Australia? Yeah. Did you have so much fun? I had a great time. Not so much studying, but lots of time on the beach. Did you have an Australian lover while you were there? I did not. No, I was in a relationship. Oh, okay. Okay, so you have a family secret. I have a family secret. That's still a secret to this day. This story takes place way back in 2008. I was just 22 years old and I just graduated college. I was also recently single. And so before, you know, entering the working world, I wanted to like just have some fun. So I thought, okay, I'm going to go do a solo backpacking trip through Europe.

19:52I thought that would be a great idea. It just so happened that a cousin of mine was getting married in London, England. So I thought, okay, normally I wouldn't go to this wedding, but I thought the timing aligned. I'll go for a week with my family and then I'll go off. So leading up to the trip, I was seeing someone casually and did see this person a few days before the trip. Didn't think anything of it, but it does become a little relevant later in the story. So it's the day of the trip. I'm on the plane. I'm in the middle seat. It's my mom to my left on the window, and there's a stranger to the right.

20:35And about halfway through, I just start to feel this itch down there. Okay, great. Okay. Itchy, itchy. Scratchy, scratchy. Just in the general area there. Great way to start your trip. Yeah. And I'm just like, worst place because there's no privacy. It's my mom and a stranger, and I'm right in between these people. And so I realize if I put my hands in my pocket, I can briefly, you know, just subtly relieve myself. If I put the tray table down, pull it out, that gives me a little cover. And I just figure it's like dry, irritated skin. Wishful thinking. Oh, no. After a very difficult flight, we make it.

21:24I'm okay. I survived. I'm just relieved to be off this plane. And just for context, I'm of Indian heritage. I'm pretty Western, but my mom's side of the family, which this wedding is, is a lot more traditional. We're staying at the bride's house. So there's a week long of things going on every day. Yeah, these Indian weddings, for people don't know, are the most spectacular events on planet Earth, right? A buddy of mine went to one in Chicago, and there's like elephants and stuff. They go hard for weddings, no? It is a big, big life event. It's a little much for me, but I was doing my family obligation and, you know, going to this wedding.

22:03And it's a typical London home, pretty small. There's going to be 15 people in this house. So mattresses on the floor, one bathroom. There's just no privacy, right? And so the next few days go fine. And we're about two days before the wedding. This itch is getting worse to the point now where I'm realizing I won't be able to survive the wedding day in this state. I decide I'm going to go have a look. So I go to the bathroom. I lock the door. And that's when I discover it's crabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. You bet your ass it is. Okay. So crabs are actual. Lice. Yeah, bugs. Mites. Is it an STD?

22:46Well, yeah, it jumps from the pubic hair of your sexual partner onto yours. And then you lie in a very communal bed. But you could get it even if someone's sleeping on the bed. Let's find out. That's my hunch. That's my hope, not my hunch. Oh, no. We don't want that for anyone else there. Okay. But do you realize it is crabs? I mean, do you know enough to realize that's what's happening once you look? As soon as I saw that, it just clicked. Yeah, this is crabs. Knowing who I was with, it all kind of happened. Oh, wow. Sure, sure. I was panicked and I never had this happen before. And in my mind, I'm not the type of person to be in this position.

23:28Like I don't contract crabs. I'm just in complete shock at this point. I'm really inexperienced with these sorts of things. I don't know what to do. And there's just a few problems that I'm faced with. I, one, cannot confide in anyone. My cousins are all just younger, innocent teenagers, and I don't really know them that well. And then everyone else older, there's no way I'm going to be telling them. There's no smartphones. There's no car. Where we are is not super walkable. And probably the biggest issue is no one can leave the house without it just becoming a field trip. So I couldn't just say, hey, guys, I'm going for a walk to go find a doctor.