Armchair Anonymous: First Day of School

0:00Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Jean Lightyear. We're back. What a fitting time to be back because today's episode is tell us about a crazy first day of school experience. Oh, it's so nostalgic. We got both fearful of first day of school and nostalgic and envious. Yeah, it's a wispy time. So scary, so much excitement and possibility. So much on the horizon.

0:39Enjoy First Day of School.

1:02Hello. Hi. We're going with a fake name today. All you, whatever you want to come up with. Monica, are you feeling anything strong? I'm going to go with Megan. Love it. I was just watching Queer Ultimatum. There was a Megan on that. I didn't hate her, so it works well. I didn't hate her as better than I hated her. Also, Megan's really safe. No one's going to identify you by Megan. No. Megan, where are you? I am going to paint with a broad stroke. I'm going to say I'm in Canada. Okay. Hey, we would have figured that out as you said a boot at some point. A boot, throw in the odd A. I knew you would have gotten to the bottom of it.

1:40Okay, so you have a first day of school story. Do I ever? Oh, I'm so excited. Also, Megan, you're experiencing something very unique in Armchair Anonymous, which is we're all in different locations. Well, no, Rob and I are in the same location. But you two aren't together. That's right. I'm never in a room somewhere in the South when we do these. Oh, that is really special. I think so. I just wanted you to be aware of the context. Okay, so first day of school. Okay, it's a chilly day in September. It's the first day of my teaching career. So I'm so excited. Wake up, it's like out of a movie scene.

2:14This is amazing. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarten. How it works, why I am in Canada, a lot of people supply for a few years before they get a contract job. But I was really lucky. It must have been some sort of personality hire because I graduated in May and then I got a contract for that September. and where the school is from my house is like 600 meters but that morning I had to drop my dog off at my friends because they were going to watch my dog for me which is also like 400 meters from the school but this particular morning you know I got put behind I was taking some pics on a front-facing selfie cam because I was so excited this monumental moment in history so I ended up driving because I got a little bit behind so I probably leave my house around 8 a.m school bell rings around 8 55 That's when the kids start rolling in.

2:58So I drive to my friend's house, literally a 30-second drive, drop off my dog. She's like, oh, my God, let's get a picture. You look so cute. I, like, get in the car. We'll put a hype-up song because, you know, it's literally less than one song drive to my school. So I go with After Midnight by Chapel Rowan. Monica, is that ringing a bell for you? Great song. Also, I'm just putting two and two together. Like, this story is recent. You were dating it by the song, Monica. I was. Really clever. I was doing Clues. It's a recent story for sure. So I'm in my car. I'm like still so excited. I'm jamming out.

3:29And where my school is, it's on a hill. And there's a traffic light at the bottom of the hill. So traffic often will get backed up on the hill. I go to turn left into the school. Traffic is backed up, but there's a gap. And so I get waved in. So I'm like slowly pulling in. My tires are on the front of the school property. I'm fully on the sidewalk so that cars can still get by me when all of a sudden, literally something flies over my car. My windshield is shattered. I just see this body off of a bike fly over and it's just on the ground. You've struck one of the students pulling in. I went from Chapel Rowan to Adele.

4:07I went from after midnight to chasing pavement. Literally, it went so dark so fast. What was the age of those cyclists? It was a high school student wearing a helmet. Not that I'm like an avid bike hitter. And not that I think anyone deserves to get hit by a car. But it wasn't like, oh, that little scrimy high school student. It was like a precious peanut, long sleeve collared shirt, helmet on, cute little shirt tucked in. Doing all the right stuff. You hit from the front? Not to play the victim, but the bike did hit me. Okay. They have come over the side of my wheel well. So handlebars into the front hood, bike smash my windshield.

4:42The well-mannered, well-dressed, behaved boy was riding on the sidewalk at a full clip, and she pulled into the lot, stopping halfway, blocking the sidewalk. He T-boned her and TJ hookered over the windshield. Correct. So I put my car in park. I'm like immediately freaking out. Like I go from posing for a picture of what grade I'm teaching to like, oh my God, are you okay? To the point where he starts consoling me. Thank God he was wearing a helmet. Best case scenario, he maybe sprained his ankle. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Luckily at this time, a coworker was also walking to work, jealous of them.

5:16So they start walking up the hill. Honestly, Guardian Angel was so calm, was so composed, was like, it's going to be okay. I've been hitting one once a week for a decade. That's why I walk. You might want to try it. So she starts like asking the kid, are you hurt? Is everything okay? They're visibly shaken up. So we call the cops. The mom comes, puts her frigging four ways on, parks basically in the middle of the road, sprints to her kid. Oh my God. Were you like, I'm going to get fired? Absolutely. I was. I'm like, I'm losing my job. I can never listen to Chapel Rowan again. I don't even want this car anymore.

5:45You're also 22, right? So when mom arrives, mom's like, there's a 22-year-old kid teaching here that just blasted my son. It was all dressed. My new co-workers are starting to roll in. I'm like, what an effing first impression. They're going to be like, who is this teenager that just hit a biker? How old do we think he is? Do we think he's a freshman or a senior? I think he's in the middle, but the kindest little soul, such a little nerdy angel. He's like probably so nervous for his first day, just in his head, bombing her down the hill. So the cops show up, one of which is one of my good friends, but has to be professional.

6:20So it's kind of one of those like, they're there, it's going to be okay. I'm crying at this point. This was supposed to be the first day of my career that I've dreamed about. And now I've hit a kid on a bike and my new boss comes out, is like, okay, it's going to be okay, but like move to the side because in 10 minutes, students are going to start showing up. A new cop ends up coming and it's a cop in training. So like FML. Yeah, but you can't throw stones. Everyone here is new. No one present is over 24, it sounds like, because she knows the cop. Thank you for checking me on that, Monica. I actually do quite appreciate that.

6:50Everybody's trying their best. So I go out. I start talking to the cops. Oh, do you want to give a statement? My dumb ass. I'm like, of course. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I hit this child. They're like, are you wearing your corrective lenses? I'm like, I'm wearing contacts, but I probably cried them all out by now. So I guess my partner had called my good friend. And the friend's house that I dropped my dog off happens to be a criminal defense lawyer, happens to be out for a walk with her dog. So she, out of the corner of my eye, I just see her roll up, sweats on sweats, walking her little standard poodle.

7:18She's like, I will deal with the cops. It's going to be okay. What did you say? I said, well, obviously I told them it was all my fault. And she's like, why did you do that? But also like not wanting to make me feel stressed out. So she's just like so calm, cool. She's like, let me talk to the cops. It's not your fault. The biker was on the sidewalk. I wasn't even really thinking about getting a ticket at this time. I was really just thinking if the kid was okay and then my job. Then I'm like, I could get a ticket now. I just got out of school. I'm a brand new teacher. You're also very Canadian because you haven't once said sue, which is what I would be worried about.

7:49Actually, so later I find out that the mom said, why'd you call the cops? So I guess at the time when my friend had gone out to speak to the cops, my new boss had come out and been like, kind of wrap this up. She has 26 six-year-olds to greet. And thankfully the cop threw me a bone at this point and was like, it's going to be a little bit longer. You might want to get someone to cover for her. Let alone, I'm like crying in the front seat of my smashed in windshield car. Then the union president shows up. She takes me into the office. My friend's like, leave it with me. Leave your car with me. At this point, it's pulled onto the sidewalk.

8:20Kids are showing up. I'm like just kind of cowering, walking next to the union president into the office. I'm like, am I going to get fired? What's going to happen? She's like, I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. Let me just make a couple of calls. She makes a call. She's like, you're not going to get fired. It's okay. We're all good. And then at this point it was first nutrition break. So it kind of time for me to go back. I'm just going to compartmentalize this and shove it right down. And I'm just going to bring the hype and just go greet all those sweet, precious six-year-olds and fake that I have seasonal allergies and hope they don't recognize I was just bawling my eyes out for an hour and get on with my day.

8:55What I'm now realizing is where the elementary is, is I guess really close to the high school. Cause you're teaching that elementary yet you hit a high schooler. It would have been great if you're teaching high school and he was in your class first row. That would have been a crazy turn of events. Six years old. That's kindergarten. It was grade one, six to like seven. I taught a split grade. Yeah. They don't know what the hell's going on. No, but everyone else did. Because as I'm like bawling my eyes out next to my car that shattered first, the staff's rolling in and then the parents are rolling in of this new school.

9:27And they're like, why is this person bawling next to a smashed in car? What made it worse is that the bike was chained up to the side of the school. They didn't clean up the bike for a while. So every day when I would walk to school, I'd look to my left and just see that nightmare reminding me of what happened. But you hit the ground running. And are you still teaching at the same school? I'm still teaching at the same school. And my lawyer friend dropped me of all charges. So I just had to pay for the damage to the car because he was on the sidewalk. So it all worked out OK. Oh, lovely. He was wearing a helmet.

9:57He wasn't hurt. The mom wasn't mad. I didn't lose my job. I pulled my socks up and finished the day of work. I can listen to Chapel Rowan again. It's been a bit, but she's back on my playlist. I'm having flashbacks of pulling out a 7-Eleven in Santa Monica and an old woman rode her bike on the sidewalk into the side of a car I was driving. And I panicked because she was so old. I was really afraid when she crashed. And then I drove her home and I gave her$100. Oh, no. And then I stole a front wheel from another bike and put it on her bike in the middle of the night. Wasn't that a weird decision?

10:31I didn't have any money to give her other than that. That probably meant a lot to her. Well, Megan, I'm so glad you made it through that harrowing start and that you're still at it. It was crazy. So good to meet you. Bye. Dax, do you think the woman that ran into you is alive still? No, that was 27 years ago and she was probably 70. And I stole, which is not good, but I did. I know. Throwing bad money after good, whatever the scene is. Why did you give her$100? That's what I had. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad. Then you're kind of assuming culpability, but you didn't do anything. She was old and ran into you.

11:12When you see an old woman crush her bike and you're involved, you're just scared you're going to get sued. And also, she's old. I'd way rather clobber a teenage boy on a bike. No, oh my God. Even if he was in a collared shirt. Moral dilemma because that guy has so much more life to live. Boy shouldn't wear collared shirts at school. Yes, he should. No, the mom should protect the boy and say, honey, why don't you wear a t-shirt? No, Dax, we don't know. Maybe he was a stud. Maybe he had a lot of girlfriends. Maybe all the girls loved his collared shirt and a sweet personality. And smashing his bike into things.

11:50I would. I'd be like, oh, my God, my boyfriend got hit by a car. I got to skip first period and help. Don't let your sweet boys wear tucked in collared shirts to high school. It's too hard. No, if they want to, you got to let them. They owe their whole life to wear collared shirts. Just don't do it at high school. They got to express themselves. Hi, Katie. Are you laying down on a blanket? I am not. I'm in a closet in like a blanket fort. In a blanket cocoon? It looks cozy. It really is. Okay, so Katie, where are you? I am in the Upper Peninsula, actually. No, in Marquette? Yeah, Marquette area.

12:28Okay, so you have a first day of school story. Yes, I'm from near Traverse City. So this is where that takes place. Small school. This takes place my first day of freshman year. So just a preface for this, my best friend Mallory, she's involved in this story and she lives in Lansing. She happened to be up this weekend. So I got to fact check the story. So we make it through basically the whole day. It's last hour. We're in art class. Class was about to start. And I look at her and I'm like, you know what, man? I'm not feeling great. Something's going on. And I was like, you know what? I need to go to the bathroom.

13:07So you and Mallory are close because you're telling her, hey, I've got to shit myself. We're very close. My boyfriend actually just said last week, you talk about Mallory like she's your knight in shining armor. Because she is. Yeah. Sorry, boyfriend. Yeah. And this story is just a prime example of that. So we take off. The bathroom's like not far away. And because it's between classes, for whatever reason, our entire high school choir is standing directly outside of the women's bathroom. and Mallory's a pretty aggressive woman. And so she just kind of starts football, like roughing her way in through the crowd.

13:47Like she's pushing people out of the way. In the meantime, though, I put my hands over my mouth and I just start spewing. Like I just start throwing up everywhere. Interesting. So this wasn't pootie related. This was throw up. Okay. But still probably cafeteria related. I always eat cold lunch. So I have no idea. We don't know what happened. I was fine all day until this moment. Where? So I just start spraying all over everyone. It gets all over the choir. It gets all over the floor. And at this moment, Mallory reaches back to grab me. She's made a hole and she doesn't realize that I've thrown up all over her back already.

14:25Oh, Mallory. So as she turns to grab me, I throw up again directly on her arm, in her hair, all over her sweater. and she's like, whatever, still charging through. Now, Katie, I don't want to get critical, but are you making any effort to aim it at the floor? It sounds like you're almost intentionally projectiling it forward as opposed to just covering your shoes. I was just projectiling forward. You just weren't in the right mind. You were sick. Yeah, and I think I was just so focused on get to the toilet and it just was already too late. Okay. We do make it in there. I've been told I'm a very violent vomiter.

15:06And so I continue to just exorcist style projectile all over the bathroom. I don't think I made any in the toilet. Oh, boy. You just painted the place. And the choir. Don't forget.

15:35My mom asked me, she's like, did Mallory throw up? She's a ride or die. She didn't. She was wearing a dress. She took her sweater off and just threw it away. The only thing she was mad about is I had borrowed a scarf from her that morning to wear for the first day of school. And she did not want me to have it. She was like, do not borrow this. I did anyways. And then we threw it away because it was so covered. This is the second story that involves really nice people taking it on the chin. Of course, there's the choir that got covered in vomit. Of all the kids, you know, they're huddled together.

16:10They were huddled together for safety. And I just attacked them violently, really. You guys are saying choir as if it's like church choir. It's the chorus. Chorus kids are cool. So we're both from Michigan. I don't know what was happening in Georgia, but rest assured the choir kids were not the cool kids in Michigan. They deserve to be because they were talented and emotional and we love them. But they were huddled together for safety. Yes. And I feel like at our school, if anything, the band was the cooler thing to do. Oh, wow. Interesting. Which should tell you where the choir ranks if the band is cooler.

16:44Now, I wonder if one of our callers later will be, I was in choir. I was huddled for my safety and someone violently threw up on me. We could hear the other side of this story. Yeah, but then it's like Katy Perry. So it's fine. Could be Katy Perry. It worked out. If they do know that it's me, shout out to you guys. I'm so sorry that happened. I didn't mean to ruin your day. It also sounds like it happened to the perfect person because you don't seem easily embarrassed. You rolled with this just fine. It did not affect me long term. I ended up being class clown. And when I asked why, everyone was like, well, you're just kind of weird and awkward and it's funny.

17:23And you're puking. I would have had to move schools. I would not have been able to handle that. So I really commend you. Remember, I mean, there was always someone in like the lunchroom who would throw up and then they would throw up girl for like the whole K through 12. I'm being brought back to that high school party where the gal threw up and then had diarrhea. Everyone's like, what happened? I was at a party where this happened to a young lady. Oh. And the whole house smelled. Oh. Oh, it was crazy. It was like the whole party shut down. I was like, what is going? And then it was like so-and-so just booted and then fucking honessed all over the floor.

18:01And her boyfriend's in there cleaning. And this is in 12th grade. That's rough. Oh, that's so sad. Were you mean about it? No, my heart went out to her. I was extra nice to her forever. Yeah, she had eaten a ton of rice, I remember. Ew! Don't say that. That's the facts of the situation. Stop it. Rice is very, like, I've seen it. And it's full absorption of having been in the stomach for a while. Well, it's a delight to meet you. You took this episode in stride. Yes, I did. Thank you, guys. It was so great to see you. Yeah, right back at you. Have a good rest of your day. Okay, you too. Take care.

18:44Thanks. Bye. Do you think anyone will throw up in their car after hearing that story? No, because she didn't describe any of the stuff that was in the throw up, which is helpful. Yeah, but you did. She stopped just short of just looking up at the sky and throwing up all over her own face. I mean, the fact that it was so outward. I would have been screaming like, fuck it, puke on the ground. See, you act like you're so nice to these pukers, but you'd be screaming. In the postmortem, I'd be really kind. But while it's happening, I would want them to handle their shit the best way possible, which would be stop spraying everyone's back.

19:19But you have to be careful because you don't want to open your mouth to talk because you could get puking. I'd be on the side shouting from the locker. Leave the choir kids alone. They're fucking already getting picked on. Why are they getting picked on? They have voices of angels. They don't. You're picturing glee. No, my chorus was really good. But Monica, you would agree that in some small towns, the football team isn't great, right? Like some guys are not college bound athletes. They need something to do after school. Yeah, I just don't know. I'd have to hear them. Okay. Hello. I see baby clothes.

19:55Do you have a little baby in the house? Twins. Oh, fine. Identical or fraternal? They're fraternal. A boy and a girl. And how old are the twins? They are two and a half. You're going to enjoy an upcoming episode. We have a twins episode coming. Oh, great. I probably could have submitted a story for that. You want a fake name, which is encouraging. What fake name would you like? I would love you all to choose my fake name. Okay, you ready for this, Fiona? I like it. That's a big name, Fiona, to take on. Yeah, but it's accurate. Yeah, you've got a vibe. Okay, Fiona, please tell us your first day of school story.

20:29Okay, so I had just started a new job. So a little bit of background information. This story takes place as a teacher. So this story took place two years ago, and I had previously taught band for about eight years. So I was going into my ninth year of teaching, but I had only had my twins about six months ago. I'm a new parent. So this new job was only five minutes away from my house. It was going to be a lot more family friendly. The district is very well regarded. Dax, you'd love to hear that I'm from Northwest Ohio. Wonderful. Let me picture that in my head, Northwest Ohio. Okay, by Pennsylvania?

21:05No, no, no, by Toledo? Yeah, very close to Michigan. So I was going to no longer be teaching band, but I was going to be teaching choir and drama. And I had never taught these subjects before. Okay, Fiona, you just wandered perfectly into a sim moment. which was the previous call was about a young gal who threw up all over the choir kids that were huddled out in front of the bathroom. And I said, couldn't you have picked a different group of kids? The choir kids were already, they had their hands full. They were probably huddled together for safety. And so Monica thinks choir kids are super cool, and maybe they were in Georgia, but I'm trying to tell her you're on a rough path if you're in choir in Michigan.

21:44We just need you to tell us what's the strategy at your school. Band is the cool thing. Choir is kind of the nerdy thing. This is wild to me, Rob. Yeah, it's the same. Band wasn't really that cool either, though. No offense, but band was really not cool at my school. Choir was, excuse me, chorus was cool and theater was cool because I was in it. None of those three things were really that popular pursuits in Michigan and I'm guessing in northern Ohio. All to say these are the sweetest people. Did you have orchestra? We do not have an orchestra program in my district. We're not rich like you, Monica.

22:22We're like normal people. You guys aren't 7A. That's why. No, no, we're not. We're not. Okay, so I was just curious. Yes, I always wanted to protect the band kids and the choir kids. They seemed like they needed some looking out for. I'm going into this new position. I don't know my coworkers. I don't know my students. I really don't feel like I know my content area. I've actually gotten hired over the phone over the summer about a month before school started. So I was just feeling very nervous about the balance of work and home. So I go into my first teacher workday. Everything goes well. I'm starting to get over my nerves.

22:57The first day of school rolls around. Everything's going fine for first, second, third period. And fourth period comes around. And to give you a little bit of information, my classroom is the performing arts room. So that includes, I have to share it with band, choir, and drama. So there are constantly students in this room. And because we are using instruments for the band side, it's double doors and the doors swing open and shut. You don't manually close them. They close by themselves. At the bottom of the door is what is called the boot security system. This is in place in case there is an active threat.